Torn between

I was supposed to go back to Paya Lebar tonight, but I'm just so damn sick and tired of transferring from here to there, getting tossed around like a soccer ball so I stood up for myself and demanded that I'd like to stay at Pasir Ris for another week.

It's tough getting torn between two houses. I'm being forced to choose which one to call "home", and choosing both is not an option. I honestly would rather be alone altogether, than having to stay here for one week and then there for another. I feel so damn fucking unwanted.

I've been getting along with my parents, which is an awesome thing, but I still can't help feeling that "I don't belong here" feeling. One year without them feels like a decade, like I'm not supposed to come back ever. Up to this day, three weeks after I'd decided to return, I still feel like a distant relative who's staying just for a while. After all I was the one who decided on this; nobody from this family asked me to come back.

I feel awkward when my brother's getting scolded by my parents, like how you'd feel when your friend is getting scolded by theirs. My parents have been way too nice, and their hospitality is through the roof. It feels weird, knowing how they were towards me the entire year before they kicked me out. It doesn't feel right. Like I'm not part of the family anymore.

Nothing feels right. Everyday I ask, what the hell am I doing with my life? I feel way better being on my own, out of any houses, and just being on my roads. My roads are my true home; being on the expressway is better than anywhere else, because it feels like home and freedom at the same time. Where else can I feel that way? Nowhere. Maybe your arms, but fuck you.

And speaking of you, yeah fuck you. I was having a peaceful time listening to music at midnight last night, when you came along and gave me a DM. He gave his bullshit stories, and we exchanged a few "courtesies" before he finally said, "I was about to give you a chance but you just had to write that blogpost."

Fuck you bro. If you had really wanted to give me a chance, you would have given it a long time ago. Where the fuck was that chance when I was crying in front of you on the day you left? Where the fuck was that chance when I went one week without drinking, expecting some miracle to happen? Where the fuck was that chance when I told you I'd found a piece of hope? Where the fuck was that chance when I wrote like 5 other blogposts being nice and asking you directly would you like to give me a chance?

One blog post was enough to ruin your pride huh? Yeah, and a year's worth of memories and effort from both of us weren't enough to make you stay. And what about my other blog posts that were asking you nicely to try again like this and this and this and fucking this? Big fat FUCK YOU to you.

Don't say I didn't give you a chance. I gave you plenty. You were the one who didn't take them and ended up pissing the fuck out of me in the end. Fuck you. You broke my heart; I broke your pride. I'd say "I guess we're even now" but I won't because we're not because you. fucking. shattered me. more than you think.