My own battles

Everyone is battling their own wars, I'm pretty sure. Just that, not everyone shows it to the world. Not saying I'm one of those people, because I obviously have a blog and Twitter which I regularly update about my woes and shit.

The DAELN battle
At the start, it was all okay, I understood every little shit the lecturer was going through. As time passed, I started to lose concentration, and was basically going to class only for attendance. It didn't help when I got dumped, and when I was regularly drinking in morning classes.

Tutorials didn't help. I was in a class full of people who have known each other before, and who were always crowding around the teacher with their own questions. My social anxiety refrained me from picking up courage to ask questions myself, and it didn't help that I was seated right at the back.

I was lucky enough that my advisor, who is also my tutorial teacher for the module, bothered to reach out to me when he saw how I was struggling. He asked me about my personal problems, some of which I told, and he understood my lack of focus. He wanted to help me.

He spent an entire day going through the basics of DAELN with me, not once but twice, the first time with my other classmate and the second just me alone. The latter was on the day of my retest for the subject, as I'd failed the real common test.

Alas, I screwed up the retest as well. In fact, I got way lower marks for it than the original common test. I was so ashamed with myself when he threw the paper at me, asking me to sign it. He asked me why had I done worst, but I couldn't answer.

That was it. Ever since I screwed the retest, I was too afraid to ask him for help already. Shamelessly, I've been falling asleep in his classes, and not turning up for the lectures at all.

That's why the past few days, I'd been trying my damndest to learn this module from scratch all by myself. Its exam is around the corner, but I believed I could do it. I didn't have any friends from the same module to teach me, I know a few guys but this voice in my head just tells me, "Don't ask them. You don't have the rights to ask them, because you are nothing to them and they will think you're crazy to ask them for help when you've never talked to them before."

But it looks like the war is over already, and that I've lost. I've given up, and shall accept my fate of having to repeat this module next semester.

The alcohol battle
I dropped this habit already, once back in 2013 thanks to the asshole whose name we all know now. It was that easy then, so why is it extra difficult now?

Perhaps it's the fact that I'm already legal and now I can buy that shit literally anytime I want, not like back then when only my regular 7-11s would allow me to pass. But maybe it's also the fact that now, I'm a lot more broken than then, since this breakup was such a shock that it caused me to blow into pieces.

Quitting is harder than you think. Without it, I thirst in a way you can't imagine. I drink it for breakfast, for lunch, for dinner if I could afford that. I was treating it more precious than water, more thirst-quenching and more important than water.

Not saying that drinking makes me forget him, it just makes me so sad that I'm happy. Does that make sense? When I say I remember everything when I'm tipsy, I really meant it. It makes me happy to be miserable, to be walking in zigzags, just because. Like how The Script motivated me, "If he sees how much I'm hurting, he'd take me back for sure."

How wrong I was. Not only did he not come back, but I also chased away so many good friends because of this habit. So many people I've not talked to for so long, the last time I hung out with them being when they had to take care of me in that miserable state.

I also can't remember the last time I held someone's hand sober. This whole time, every guy who had held my hand after that asshole who dumped me was just trying to stabilise me. I was falling, so their instinctive reaction was to hold my hand. Not because they wanted to but because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. God, I may never know what love is anymore.

I've not drank for a week, ever since the incident with my new SP friend. I'm just hoping he gives our friendship a chance, if not, the longer I go without him the faster I'm gonna return to this bad habit. Again.

The home battle
I don't know where 'home' is anymore. Home is where you are supposed to feel safe, secured, and happy. Home isn't the place you are being forced to choose to be called that name. Home isn't somewhere you have to stay in two weeks, before moving to another place that's also supposed to be 'home'.

Finding out where home is shouldn't be this hard. Sure, every kid my age has their own problems within their households, but at least, at the end of the day you have somewhere that you know you have to return to. At least you know, that this is your permanent place, with your parents, or your grandmother. At least there is only one.

It's not easy to be living two weeks here, two weeks there, back and forth like that. Why can't there be somewhere I can stay forever? Must I really choose one? It's either where I was raised, or where I was given a chance to start anew. It ain't that easy to decide on one, because. I need both.

I'm not saying these two houses I'm torn between are perfect, because I have problems in both. In the case of Pasir Ris, I feel I do not belong. It was only one year but it was enough to make me feel dislocated from my own parents and blood brothers. It doesn't help that my elder brother still doesn't acknowledge my presence after a long time of not seeing me.

In the case of Paya Lebar, I don't get what I need. My grandmother pampers me too much, ensuing my disability in growing up and being independent. The longer I stay with her, the more I'll grow to need her; and then when she has to go, what will happen to me? I won't be able to survive, so I have to start living without her, starting now.

Why can't all of us live under one roof together? Won't that solve it for me? Or is everyone too busy with their own problems to consider me? Does my family not realise how much this is taking its toll on me?

The social battle
It's not easy to make friends. It's not easy to keep friends, especially those who's seen the ugly side of you. Losing a friend by being unfollowed on Twitter because you were tweeting too much is nothing; but losing a good friend because they saw the side of you which they didn't like, even after those late night conversations to know how much in pain you are, is worse.

Maybe it was still his hypocrisy or the bloody bro code, but after getting dumped, I was also rejected by his best friend, whom I had painstakingly built my friendship with. Maybe he's painfully oblivious to my love for him, in that best friend way, because I really cared for him, more than I expected. From the day we met, I took an oath to take care of him.

And what about the other friendships I had made via my relationship with the asshole, the tertiary friends I so dearly loved? I'm never gonna have lunch with them or meet them or hang out with them anymore because the first link we had together has cut off all bridges with me. Getting too close with any of them would bring a "trying to steal ex's friends" drama shit.

Making friends with my classmates is out of the question; having repeated most of my modules, I'm put in classes who are already in their own group. Everyone in the class knows everyone except me, so of course, put the new girl aside!

I have my very good friend who's been in the same boat with me since semester 1, and I'm really appreciative of her support in helping me socially and academically, but even she has better social skills than I do. She makes other friends so easily, and most of my friends from this sem were with her help. When we part ways next semester, what's gonna happen to me?

What about in terms of relationships? Guys are assholes, am learning that the terribly hard way, yet here I am still wanting to try again, to try lending my heart to someone again and see how they'd treat it. Such a high possibility that it'll get crushed, yet I'm so willing to place it in anyone's palm. What the fuck is wrong with me?

The religion battle
I can't. I just can't. It's so hard to believe in my own God, because I keep telling myself about how He's let me down, He's let me down. I have always believed in His existence, but never in His power. I keep getting angry at Him for letting me down and hurting me all the damn time.

It ain't helping that I've been watching videos about this History and Science shit that has led me to believe that actually yeah, there might be no such thing as God at all. Put together these scientific+historical shit, and my being disappointed again and again by this 'God', and I might just find myself to be an atheist in the future.

You want me to pray? What if I told you I have, but my life still turned out like shit? All those quotes about how God won't put you through something you can't handle, that's unbelievable. I clearly can't handle this shit, so please get me the fuck out of it!

But nope, I'm still deep in the waters, where in the world are You? Nowhere. His existence is so damn questionable that it's invalid.

And that's why I'm in constant battle with my religion. I just don't know if I should believe it or not.

The mental battle
The hardest war of all is my mentality. I'm turning 19 this year, but I doubt I've been acting my age. I can't stop blaming the 'demons' in my head, when really this voice is none other than my own. Once I'm left alone, this 'voice' is the only one that talks to me. And it's gaining more and more control of me than I can help.

Not gonna touch on that much. But yeah, these are my battles, everyday ones if you could say that. I know it ain't much compared to other people who are suffering more, but everyone has their own different battles. These are mine, and it may be nothing to you, but they are each taking their own tolls on me.

I'm really tired. I wish I can go through this alone, really I do, but I think it's obvious that I depend too heavily on a special someone. Girl best friends can't do shit like that, family won't believe the pain I'm going through, religion is a battle in itself, and even writing isn't doing me much.

With a special someone, I'd discover my own strength that I never thought I'd have. Pretty unbelievable, I know. But with each relationship I've been in, I discover how willing I am to go through the bullshits of life, how strong I am to take on every obstacle that comes my fucking way.

Am I the only one who feels this?