That 'kind of guy', I had found. Someone who understood me, found time for me, always gave in to me, made silly faces with me, wiped away the dirt from my face, wiped away my tears, listened to me, a best friend to me. He found me, to be more specific. I had that 'kind of guy'.
On the other hand, there's also that other 'kind of guy', that also makes people go "Wow this kind of guy still exists?"
That 'kind of guy', is the jerk. The desperate one that sweet talks girls into wanting him, only to get tired of them and dumping them one by one. The kind that sees a potential prey, and paces around it til he captures it. I also had that 'kind of guy'.
These two guys from my life are the same.
If you've been a consistent reader of this blog of mine, you'd know how much I cherished this guy. You'd know how grateful I'd been for his presence, how happy I'd been in the relationship, how hard I'd fought to keep it going. Thinking it over, I was probably just paying it back.
He never gave up on me at the beginning of the year. I was already a mess before he met me, and I remained so even after we got together. He tried so hard to get my attention, and when he did, he continued trying to make me happy. The walls I built up around me went crashing down at a mere touch of his finger. He melted my heart so easily, after the entire year I spent trying to protect it.
Even after we got together, I was still a little shaky over the past, but he was always there for me. Eventually I dropped all the bad addictions, with the support and encouragement from him. Yes, I just dropped them; it was that easy with his help. I was blinded by my feelings for him.
He kept telling me how he'd never liked any girl like he liked me. He always told me he sayang me so much, which I thought was a stronger word than 'loved'. He once told me about how he always prayed for me on his last sujud, that I would go back to the way I once were.
The first time he abandoned me was in the mid of April. I made a big mistake, and I let my anger get the best of me. He had been neglecting me since he started school a week before I did, and I was still angry about it. I got too close with a new guy friend from my Sem 1 class, and I even allowed him to hold my hand and kiss me on the cheek.
I did think about him; but only the fact that he had been ignoring me and neglecting me and I just wanted to get his attention.
When he found out, he left me stranded on his turf, somewhere in Woodlands. I was too upset to find my own way back, and at that time I wasn't very good at getting around to places on my own. I just cried and cried til I eventually got up and cabbed back to my aunt's place. That was the first mistake I did, and the first time he abandoned me.
It was only half a year later that he told me; he only came back for me because he was afraid that if I left, he wouldn't have anyone else that wanted him.
This time, I had to fight harder for him to come back. Alright, it wasn't really fight, but I went drinking and that's when all the honesty came out from me. His close friend from tertiary was there, and she listened, and I told her everything, and she as well as my own secondary best friend helped us get back together again.
Was it so bad that I so badly craved the attention of my own boyfriend? Was it so hard to give a portion to me, knowing that I didn't have parents or brothers or friends to talk to like he did?
My 18th birthday came, and I received a phone call from Malaysia, his voice on the other end cheering "Happy birthday!" how I hated those words. How I longed for him to be right beside me instead, spending the time instead of muttering a pair of useless words.
I blogged about why I hated birthdays, and all he could say was "You just had to make me feel more like shit huh.", and he started to hate on me. It drove me mad that when I was upset, he wouldn't bother finding out why, and instead decide to turn the tables and get angry at me instead, and in the end I'm the one who has to comfort him. I guess that's just how much I put aside my ego for him.
One day in late September or early October, I can't remember, I just finished work when he texted me; "Can I not talk to you? You're too, ehrm, over attached." I remember these exact words.
I didn't understand why he would say that. I was just being a girlfriend, texting him whenever I could, asking him what he was doing and shit. The word was so sharp, I started trying not to be too 'over-attached'. I didn't know how to, and in the end, I just ended up crying because I felt like I was neglecting him instead.
The day I decided to talk to him about it, he'd made me wait for three hours, sitting in the library while he went for gym. By the time he came I was in tears, and then I started hitting him, because I was so angry that I didn't know what he wanted. Attention or space, either way, I thought I'd given my best to give a fair share of both.
It's hard to be perfect. It's hard to give the best of both worlds, not too much of this or too little of that. But I gave my best, like how he had done for me at the beginning of the relationship.
That very night that I cried and spilled my heart to him, we kissed. He whispered to me, "I think I love you." I asked him what he meant by that; he told me, that all along, he never loved me like that. He only liked me, which of course felt like a huge difference from loved. He also mentioned: "This is the first time I kissed you without wanting to have sex with you."
The first time we did it was in late February, or late March, I don't quite remember. It was probably my fault; like his best friend had mentioned to me in September; "A girl becomes desirable once she's had sex with a guy before." As innocent as he had been before me, once he knew my past, he was already getting ideas.
So I'm not sure whose fault it was. I've been asked Who started it?, but as you can see, it was both of us. I don't mind taking the blame for him though.
Our first time, I was still buried in the darkness of the past, and that's why I just let it happen. As time passed and I fell for him harder, I wanted so badly to get him out of the mess. I knew I couldn't return him his precious virginity, but it was all I could do to bring him back nearer to God instead of further, like I'd done.
It was hard, yes. We did it a few more times, the last being in mid July, was it? Two days before the fasting month, that I remember. I was having so much troubles in school, being a social outcast and with my grades, and I let my wanting sex slip out. He was just trying to make me happy, he skipped school to meet me and brought me to East Coast Park, where he said there was a good place.
I remember this one text he sent me, before he came to Jurong East Library to fetch me, every exact word; "Promise me this is the last time we have sex before marriage."
I promised. And I kept that promise, no matter how much he begged, no matter how much I myself wanted it, because I didn't want us to live on that. And because I didn't want to ruin him any further. I knew it was impossible to get him back to the innocent person he was before, so the least I could have done was not to bring him further. I wasn't perfect, but of course, I did my best. What's more, our dates were enjoyable enough with his little antics and my being stupid, little shit like that that bound us together.
Speaking of promises, he promised he would never leave me. He even made me promise never to leave him. I kept it. How many times had I been so angry at him, how many times had I wanted him to disappear forever and never come back, how many times had I myself wanted to leave, but I couldn't, because I kept my word.
I also learnt from one of my storybooks that if you ever felt like leaving, you gotta think of why you held on. Think about the things you've done for him, or what he's done for you. At these points of times, he definitely did so much for me, sacrifices and time, and I didn't want his efforts to be for nothing. Likewise, I'd done quite my share for him.
What's more, it pained me to imagine him being alone. It hurt me to imagine him coping with his stresses alone, not having anyone to check on him asking how was he. As silly as it sounds, I was worried that one day he'd be alone. I didn't want to be responsible for his loneliness anytime, so I fought hard to make sure he would never go through anything without me.
I figured he would keep his end of the promise as well. I remembered how he always wanted a girl who would stay with him no matter what; that's what we were: we stayed, no matter what. For a whole year. He knew how I was like, he knew my favourite things and food, he knew my hopes and dreams.
As poor as the both of us were, we made it through. Do you know how much I was willing to give up just to make him happy? How many times have I given up my last few dollars to pay for his meal? How many times did I part with twenty bucks to buy him his Garena cards just to make him happy?
I wasn't that rich, I worked but I wasn't getting allowance from any adult, since my parents were still on hiatus from their roles, and he knew that. As bad as he felt, he said one day he'd pay back; and I didn't mind if he meant paying me back when we were married and he was the breadwinner of the family. We were kids dreaming up silly fantasies, but I had the ounce of faith that he meant it.
Was I just being silly? His best friend had talked to me, back in May, about how he was; "He's that kind of guy who is so damn popular, he'd find a girl in no time, sweet talk her, use her, get bored of her, leave her, feel guilty, use her again, then, the day after, he just finds another prey to repeat the cycle." [exact words, thanks to the useful Search function in Whatsapp]
I chose not to believe it, but I suppose he was right. I was so stupid to overlook his own best friend's words. The one person who knew him more than I did.
The reason he gave me for leaving me was his losing interest in me. Honestly, I've already felt that since mid October, around there, because I have a diary entry talking about my feelings regarding that. I know I'd been trying hard since then, trying so hard to make him happy, and not to forget, trying so hard to make sure he didn't go any further from God.
When our holidays in December started, we were meeting much lesser. The last time we went on a proper date was to watch Frozen, on his last day of school in early December. The whole time after that, I never got to see him once because he was never able to go out. His promises of going exploring and cycling with me were put on hold, but I didn't mind and just did my own travelling.
Even texting was hard, because he was almost always gaming. I tried to let it go, I was feeling neglected as fuck, but I tried not to get too bothered by it. I didn't want to repeat the two mistakes I did when he was neglecting me back then. As long as he was happy, I kept quiet.
His tertiary friends were planning a surprise for his 17th birthday, 26th of December, which I hadn't wanted to be part of because of my grudge against birthdays. I decided to forget this anger and went ahead with it, because I knew how he hadn't had any special birthdays before. I just wanted to help make his day special.
I never forget how I suffered for my 17th birthday, and how he had upset me on my 18th, but I let it go, just so I could go ahead with his tertiary friends' plan and make him happy.
I was sad that he hadn't managed to make it on his own day even after confirming that he would be able to go out, and that was when I decided that yup, I hate birthdays. But then two days later, I tried again, as a belated birthday surprise, and this time it worked. How happy I was on that day that the surprise was a success.
I hadn't managed to get him any birthday presents, but the last thing I got him was a maroon sweater from H&M, which he had been looking for for so long. He picked out a navy blue one for me, but I paid for both.
During my first week of school, there was this point of time that I couldn't take it anymore. He had taken 12 hours to reply my text, and that was at 1am, so I didn't bother replying. However morning came and I was about to reply him when I forgot or something, so he thought I ignored him. He grew increasingly upset as the day passed, so in the end I decided to say sorry to him.
He blocked me on Whatsapp and Viber, and I absolutely had no idea why or what to do. He came to eventually, and we had a talk but I knew something was still wrong. I tried to be nicer to him since that incident, because I really didn't want to lose him.
He dumped me two days after our first anniversary. With the reason "I just don't love you anymore."
Wasn't that unfair? It took him a few seconds to like me,
ten months to love me,
two months to lose that bit of interest,
and three weeks to hate me.
All that effort of mine... For nothing.
It's a shock, really. I never thought he'd be this cruel.
____
2 comments:
Learn to let go.
LET IT GO! LET IT GO! CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE! LET IT GO! LET IT GO! TURN YOUR BACK AND SLAM DAT DOOR!!!
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