Sleeping problems.

i've been sleeping at 4 to 5 am in the morning these days. it's not that my body clock got twisted. i do get sleepy at night, like i am now. but i don't go to bed and sleep. instead, i force myself to stay awake by being on the comp.

if i sleep early, i'd always wake up for no apparent reason around 3 am. i dont like the feeling of that. that's why i'm more comfortable sleeping only when the sun is about to come up. i don't know what kind of silly logic that is.

and then another problem is my waking up a few hours later. i don't even have 8 hours of sleep or so. yet the whole day when i am awake, i don't feel so sleepy.

another problem that comes with this sleeping shit is the fact that i tend to overthink as i lay in bed. nights are when i cry the most about the younger twin. i know i should have gotten over this a very long time ago. but i can't help it.

i am undergoing my own personal training :3 am currently playing songs which remind me of the younger twin [we shall call him Red, yes], the catch being that i am not allowed to cry. not one teardrop!

i've been doing this paper chain thingy, made out of paper rings. for every night that i cry for the younger twin, i add a red paper ring to the chain. for everyday that i do not, it is black.

why am i doing this personal training shit for myself, eh? well... it is because i believe i have a crush x_x but it feels like these feelings can't develop further because of the memories with Red acting as a barrier. that's why i've got to demolish these walls.

it's difficult, isn't it. after all, it's what i've been trying to do for nearly the past year.

i have to be strong, for myself first, before i can think about lifting anyone else up. right after i stand up on my own two feet, the first direction i wish to walk forward to is towards the moon.

i want to hold the moon in an embrace no matter how high the tsunamis and seas rise. because that can be conquered as well, with the moon's bravery, and the strength that i'd have then.

that said, i am still having difficulty putting myself to sleep for tonight.

p.s. FireRed updates tomorrow.