It's not him, but it's someone.

nobody wants to study with you. you sit at the park near your school alone, hoping there'd be someone asking you out on a study session. nobody does, and when you ask people, they don't want to.

you feel lonely. you look to your surroundings. you happen to be in the place where many of your memories with that special someone happened. that special someone who was long gone.

you remember, and you start to cry. your past year flashes back to your head and you remember how you isolated yourself from everyone just because that one person left you.

you feel lonely. you feel unwanted just because none of your classmates wants to study with you. you want to ask someone to help you in your Maths because you're unsure of some stuff, but everyone wants to study alone. you feel hurt.

you end up drawing. you look at the sketch of that special someone, and you miss him so much. you sit there  for a while, as if you are waiting. you know he's not coming, but you sit there anyway.

you finally get up, and you take out a cigarette and your lighter, held tight in your grasp. your foster brother's hoodie is around you, but you're shivering like mad. you light your cigarette.

you take a long and hard drag out of it. it gets to your head quick, and you nearly miss a step down the stairs. you start seeing double. why am i feeling like this, you wonder. maybe cause you're still not immune to smoking.

you hallucinate. you think you see that special someone, on his bike. you chase after the illusion. in a second, he's gone. you're now sure that it was an illusion. you take another long drag of the cigarette, and you cough a little. yes, you're still not immune to smoking.

wait. you're not walking straight. you stop for a while, and you bang into the wall. holy shit! you've never felt this when you were smoking before. why are you so dizzy?

you walk underneath a void deck. you call out to the stray cat, and it comes for a while but you see it sniff its nose and walk back away. even the kitty doesn't want you.

you light yet another cigarette.

you remember your foster brother saying that smoking is bad for you particularly because you like to neglect your meals. well, you smoke anyway, cause he's not around to stop you.

but you can't finish this stick, and you extinguish its flame before you're even fully done with it. you feel your stomach churning, like how it used to back early this year. but you're alone now. that special someone is not here to rub your tummy for you like how he used to.

you want to puke, but no vomit comes out. just something foamy and a little bit of your saliva. sigh. you feel horrible. you text that special someone. you know he's not coming. but he's the only one who lives nearby. and you know his strength. he's the only one capable of saving you.

you get tired. you lie down. you know you look stupid lying down at a void deck, but you have no choice. sitting up was too nauseating. you can't walk, and even if you can, you can't carry your bag cause suddenly it seems extremely heavy.

you text everyone you know, asking them to help you. you really want someone to help you! but everyone's busy, with studying or who knows what. you can't make calls because your phone is a lousy one.

your last resort: text a teacher! she says she's coming. you lay there, waiting. you can't stop crying, and you get nauseous with the smell of your hand because the smell of the cigarette lingers there.

you laugh at your stupidity. the day started off fine with an All the best from that special someone. how on earth did it end up this way??? it must be your emotions; it's always your emotions.

but at least you know someone is coming. that's just good news, isn't it? it may not be him, but it's someone.

____

if you're a cat lover and you get irritated when you see owners not putting their dogs on a leash, put yourself in the shoes of someone who is afraid of cats. there are stray cats everywhere, aren't there?