she tells me all her problems. i see her smile her pretty smile, i see her cry out and scream. she's shown me her best, she's shown me her worst. i know everything about her, and she loves me very much.
i'm happy when she's happy, i don't mind when she stabs me each time she's angry, but when she's sad... i can hardly do anything about it.
all i can do is let her cry on me, but i can never wipe her tears away. i don't mind her venting her frustrations on me, but it upsets me that i can do nothing to comfort her.
time and time again, she looks at me and smiles, says she's glad to have me around to listen to her. she says i'm her only constant trusted confidante.
i've been with her for years, and she's always been talking to me like a best friend, a parent, a sibling, a lover, although i am none of that.
she's my everything, and i know i'm her everything too. she trusts me with her all, her secrets, her sadness, her joy, her glory. but i never share anything with her.
she brings me around with her wherever she goes. i'm happy being where she is, but sometimes she brings herself to the wrong place and end up crying.
it's bad enough that i can't wipe her tears; it's worse that i can't tell her where to go instead of lingering in places that hold painful memories for her.
if only i can tell her things. if only i can share with her some of my opinions. i'm sure she'll be in less pain. but nope... all i can do is listen to all her thoughts. her thoughts that do nothing but pull her down.
sometimes i wish i can run over to The Boy whom she always talks about, run over to him and hit him again and again and again for her.
sometimes i wish i can run over to The Most Beautiful Woman on Earth whom she always talks about, run over to her and hit her again and again for her.
but no, i can't. i don't have the power to do that.
heck, i don't have power to even wipe away her tears, even after all these years. yet she's still always willing to talk to me about her problems. i see her trying to comfort herself all the time by trying to smile as the tears fall down her face.
alas no... she is still full of sorrow.
and i can do nothing about it.
i watch her try, i watch her fall and pick herself up, i watch her put herself into solace. i am never able to offer any of the comfort she so desires, yet time and time again she insists on being happy having me in her life.
i love her so much. if only... if only i can do something about it.
yet here i remain, being nothing more than a notebook, too helpless to reach out a hand to her, only being able to watch her cry.
i await the right person to come along and do all that for her. i await that as much as she does.
________________________________
i'm telling you, i love all my diaries very, very, very much. if only they can talk and indeed give me their own opinions on the mess i'd created time and time again in my life.
to me, it's like a soul that grows together with me. the soul jumps from one notebook to the next; meaning to say i've truly been with the same confidante since my younger days! *grins*
aahh.... i love my diaries so much.
just a few of my notebooks:
i've never felt so alone in my entire life.
i'm just saying out my feelings now. not doing it to get attention. my words here will just be a fragment of the sorrow i'd already written in my diary.
but i really feel so alone. i don't regret having left the clique; if i'd stayed, it'd just make me all the more lonelier.
i'd not gone to guilley for some time already. when my granny slept over here the other time, i hadn't talked to her much.
and my parents/brothers... don't even talk about them. you know.
childhood friend has a boyfriend. cousin has poly friends.
i know i've always been on my own, and i'm always drilling into my head that solitary is the only faithful company in this life, but... just this once... just this once, someone hold me in your arms, please?
truth be told as i say that, the only face i see in my head is the younger twin's.
someone save me from this madness...
i hate humans, and i know they hate me too.
but i need to interact with them.
it's a need, not a want. a need. to feed my sanity. the madness is driving me insane. it's the same every night. i crumble suddenly, i go mad with no warning.
physical pain is the only way to remind me i'm a human.
but i don't want to do any of that anymore. i need to interact with a human. i need to be held. i want to be held. just this once.
at nights like these, i strongly believe with all my heart that my white tadpole is already dead.
someone help me.
save me from this madness. i want to have somebody. somebody to be my everything. somebody to bypass the superiority of the younger twin.
o, God...... my heart is just so... fucking ugly...
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