Why do you look back?

consider this a stupid metaphor, but if you remember how our Pewdie always plays Slenderman, and even with his millions of fans telling him not to "look back": he does. and then Slenderman seizes him and that is when Pewdie groans in regret as he restarts the game.

why do you like to look back? 

i know what i did was wrong. that all happened more than a month ago. the time in between, i'd tried my best to mask that horrible mistake of mine by making you  happy instead, to help you forget. 

i thought our happy times in between would have made you forget that one horrible time. i've never been so wrong. who would have thought that even if i made you laugh you still had the anger in the memory. 

why would you walk forward yet face behind you? why do you keep bringing up the negative parts of the past when we've gone through a lot more other happy moments? i don't get you. 

and you too know that i've done so much for and with you, i've no idea why you still must think about what i did to you. that one incident.

you say a glass which breaks can never be the same again. i was about to counter something to that but you didnt want to listen, you pulled me up and shoved me onto my train last night. i didnt have a chance to speak.

i don't get you really i don't. you bring up the past, and then you start getting angry at me for that. and then you accuse me of being the one who still reminisce my mistake in bliss, blablabla, what the hell.

i'm so tired. you know that. you know my problems with money and my studies, so why do you keep adding more problems? why cant you just be the darling you are and forget the past, forgive me, and move on and just be here for me for my existing problems? 

I'm sorry we can't see Pewdiepie.

She was a girl with long dark hair and maroon eyes, a little bow hanging on the chest of her white blouse, and a musical box chimes in the background.

That was the first thing i saw after clicking on the link which someone on Twitter had sent me. And then i noticed the little window at the corner of the screen. The blonde guy whose face sat there laughed;

"Ha-ha-how's it going bros? My name is Peeeeewdiepie!"

That was the very first Pewdiepie video i ever watched: Ib gameplay part 1.

It was August of 2012, and as always i was sitting in my bedroom in solitude. At that time i didnt have anyone to call 'friend' and all 4 of my family members were too busy with their own things like they always were.

My laptop was my only friend. I listened to sad songs, I blogged, i shared my stories online knowing nobody would be reading. I was sad, i was angry, and even emotionless. But i was not happy at all.

This gameplay of this game 'Ib' by this Youtuber named Pewdiepie; for as long as i could remember... it was the first time i laughed so heartily.

Watching his videos became an addiction overnight. School already didnt have any point; but now i was looking forward to meeting my laptop and giggling til i was tearing.

I didnt know what was it about him that was so funny. But Pewdiepie really did save my life back then. He returned me my smile.

The day my father kicked me out of my previous house, i had difficulty standing up after he lashed out his anger at me. But i remembered how Pewdie always yelled "NO BUENO!" whenever he didnt want something that determined his gameplay's fate to happen.

Im not sure why but that line rang in my head at that very moment and i sucked in my tears and gathered what strength i had. I managed to stand up and found myself a pair of shoes to replace my taken Nikes, and walked out of the house with my father yelling at me never to come back.

Came 2013 and i met an adorable boy named 'Aamir. He liked Pewdiepie too, and we talked aimlessly, questions on and on because he wanted to keep the conversation going.

Well that was what pulled this stranger and i closer together; the love for the same Youtuber. And this stranger has been my boyfriend ever since.

Pewdiepie saved my life, he was there for me when i really had no one. And he was the one who held that bridge which led 'Aamir to find me, another saviour.

I made a vow to leave behind everything of 2012, and i've been doing my best: everything but Pewdiepie. Because without Pewdiepie, my 2013 would have been just as empty.

Here i lie, shivering and tearing because i couldnt afford to bring 'Aamir and i to see Pewdiepie. He was there for me when i was all neglected back at my parents' house, but i cant even do a single shit to go see him.

Am i not fated to at least meet him, give him a hug, and thank him for having saved my life?

Man... I know it's a silly thing to get emotional about. But you dont know what i went through and what he was there for me for.

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Words and mistakes.

my blog is way below my expectations. like many of you might know; writing is all i have. my words, my sentences, they mean a lot to me. i would be of no pride if my blog posts are not enjoyed by many.

if i were to have an assholic mindset, i would tell myself that it's my English that's too cheem; that's why these faggots of society have difficulty understanding my sentence structures.

but nah. i'm just gonna get judged, right back at me.

i'm just not sure what to blog about sometimes. my days are too calm to share with you. my stories are too complicated to believe. whatever it is, i still wish people who read my blog dare admit they do. i dont mind criticisms. at least tell me if my words are regarded.

nevermind, i have no idea what i am crapping.

it was wrong of me to show my feelings. it was wrong of me to smile when i'm happy, to cry when i'm sad, or to frown when i'm angry. these are all my mistakes.  i admit my mistakes, okay.  now what?

I hope this explains.

i wish i can really blog out everything.

i want to let it out, but i don't want to tell you. yet i can't blog about it because people will do this thing called 'judge' and you will get upset because of that. because you dont like the way people look at you.

but i can't hold it in anymore. i want to talk about this now. here.

right back on the day we first met. back at the airport. my second home; i got donuts and hot chocolate there regularly. that day was special because for the first time i was not alone. there was... you.

you got yourself a sandwich, and right after, your wallet was completely empty. you didnt know how you were going back home without money, and you laughed it off. with my persistence, i managed to get you to accept the ten bucks i dropped in your wallet.

back then we were still on the student fares, and that ten bucks was enough to top up your ez-link card and buy a meal from Maccy D.

i was working everyday, and i only managed to meet you on my off days or when i asked for half days from my lady boss. i was asking for that too frequently and was also decreasing my salary that way; but there was still nothing that made me happier than spending the time with you.

about a month before school started, you got desperate for a job. i tried all means to help you find one; even got you a job at my place before you got sick on your first day and my boss decided he didnt want you.

your job at MBS was not as 'stable' as mine; and sometimes you even backed out of it simply because you were tired. i didnt mind. i didn't mind paying for our meals, and topping up your ez-link so you would have a smooth trip home.

i was deeply saddened when you told me about how your friends said "just because a woman gives you money doesnt mean she loves you".

you needed to eat? i paid for the food which you wanted to try.
you needed to go home? i topped up your ez-link.
you were wearing the same clothes over and over again? i bought you new clothes which made you look dashing.
you lost your wallet along with all the salary which you had just earned? nevermind, i got you a new one which really suited you.

then school started. one of my fears which i'd been thinking about was the school fees. there was the laptop i needed to get, along with all the books. and then Granny told me to go shopping for new clothes, which i couldnt deny that i really needed.

just two weeks after school started, my finances were already steep in decline. i told you about it, because you were my second half. you were against the idea of my skipping meals at school, but still, you always ended up making me spend my money on food, even if it was just a little.

you still get school allowance from your mother, which you deposited right into your account upon receive. but you had bills to pay, and you had meals to eat too, til eventually you went completely broke; after all, you hadn't had any savings from before.

yesterday, Wednesday the 15th of May; a month since i first met my classmates. my precious classmates of ECE 1A1. you knew my stories of 2011 and 2012, when i still had my classmates of those years. you should have understood how much i love my new poly classmates.

they accepted me, despite my scars. everyone was different, and nobody was to be shunned in any way. how i love them so.

class started at 12, and half an hour into the first lesson, i received a call from you. it was your lunch, and you were not with your classmates so you called me just to keep you company.

your classmates weren't with you because they were eating. and you? you didn't have any money. none at all.

i hung up on you and scoured our Whatsapp conversation to look for your bank account number. i wrote it on a Post-it which i have pasted somewhere convenient so i can now transfer you money as and when you need it.

despite your protests from over the phone, i transferred twenty bucks over to your account with no hesitation. all i could think of was the fact that my darling was skipping meals and that you needed to eat something.

you hesitantly accepted it before thanking me. I love you so much; how could i allow you to go through a whole school day without eating?

i reached home at 9 last night, or so, and all was fine, til i told you "we're going to celebrate our monthsary tomorrow. we're going to play pool."

just a simple sentence, and you misunderstood. you thought i was referring to the monthsary of our being together. when i corrected you, you straightway lashed out. you thought i was making a fool out of you. you said i was embarrassing you and trying to make you look stupid.

since when was i? once again you had your transition; swiftly, your mood went down just like that. you ignored me, and you vented it on Twitter.

You think just by giving me money makes me happy? What the fuck

that hurt so bad. do you know that? and if you don't know why, i suggest you read this post again and again until it becomes sewn into your bloody brain.

i'm done. yes, i've went round the bush just to tell you that this simple sentence of yours is what upsets me. goodnight.

My ghosts of West EW1.

it feels like years since i last visited this place. it seems so different in so many ways. children have grown up, buildings have sprung up, trees have been cut off.

they once told me to call this place "home". i did. but it was not worthy of the title.

welcome to the west side of Pasir Ris.

i've just finished work; that's in the East side. i've long promised myself never to have anything to do with this town anymore, but my friend got me a job here, so i didnt have much choice. still, i've always been avoiding the West side. that's where i used to live.

i press the traffic light button. it probably doesn't do much; just a placebo, but here i feel a sense of control. i stare at the blocks across the road, stare through my hair which the wind blew all over my face. when i finally shove my messed up locks aside, my eyes start to tear.

there are ghosts of the memories past. when i was a little girl and my parents held either one of my hand; pulled their hands up to swing me because they knew i liked it. when i was 15 and my first love brought me around on his bike; my hands gripping his shoulders as he raced down the slope.

the memories are gone. but the ghosts linger.

like they always do.

as i press the button for the ninth floor, i find myself brought back in time. this feels so normal. like i just went out with my friend and am returning back to my parents and brothers now.

it's been half a year since that could have been labelled as "normal".

the gate to my old house is unlocked. i opened it; "Assalamualaikum", i said.
since i am no longer living here to disrupt that peace. i thought.

my little brother is there, with his soccer ball. it really feels so normal. we don't say a word about our separation; neither do we rejoice about our reunion.

the last time i was here, my clothes were all stuffed into garbage bags. now, they're all neatly folded, some laid on my bed and some squeezed into the cupboard which door i had broken during one of those times i lacked self-control.

the calendar on the shelf is collecting dust; it's a 2012 calendar, still on its December page. that was when i left this house.

my younger brother irritates me like he used to, all the time, and vice versa. he's the only thing from this house which i dare admit i miss. he was the only thing which made it a lot more pleasant.

i used to be the only one who showers in the kitchen bathroom; everyone else did so in the master bedroom's, because they all liked the cold water and didnt need the heater which only the kitchen had.

but now i see the mess of shampoos and soaps in where i thought would have been completely dry. "is someone else showering in the kitchen toilet now?" i ask my brother.

"papa." he answers.

i ask him whether Mama has agreed on contributing to my school fees for me, because i couldnt depend on myself alone for that. they are still discussing, he says.

what is there to discuss? are they really washing their hands off of me just like that? no matter what wrong i did, arent i still their responsibility?

and all those things i did for them, through out all those years before 2012; are they gonna forget those just because of one year?

____

i can live on my own. i have my grandmother, my aunt, my boyfriend, and my new classmates. i dont need to go begging from someone who abandoned me.

Quicksand.

a hat on your head, some rings on your fingers.
eyes behind shades, a weight on your shoulders.

i feel like a burden. i feel like i'm bothering everyone who cares for me. it feels like i'm making them bend over backwards whenever they show me concern.

studies. finances. family. love. i find problems in all of them, and because of these, the people around me get affected too.

i'm a slow learner, and Susan and Shafie have to be bothered with in order to teach me. i refuse to eat just to save money, and Susan and 'Aamir end up paying for my meals just to make me eat. family and love; i force that honour out of my boyfriend all the time.

yupp. i'm a burden to everyone else.

and then sometimes i feel like a burden to even myself. maybe that's why i dont tell myself what're my problems. maybe thats why i cry, and most of the time it's for no reason that i know of.

i'm so heavy, with all this weight on my shoulders. adding with the heavy burden that i already am; i sink quicker into this quicksand.

____

ELTech lecture was so cold and sleep-inducing til Susan and i decided to go out for a walk. we were soaking up the warmth of the balcony at the end of the lane, when appeared a wild Shafie and Qi Hong. so the four of us were slacking and by the time we got back to class, it was time to go.

Shafie and Nicholas both got injured during yesterday's Sports&Wellness, and the whole class was busy fussing over them. Shafie's ankle and wrist were hurt while Nicholas broke a hamstring.

so i decided to remove my cardigan since it was soaked with my perspiration, and i was sitting right at the back anyway, when Shafiq decided to announce "HOMAIGOD E'INDAH WITHOUT LONG SLEEVES!!" ugh no stop!

right after C Programming, Susan, Shafie, Qi Hong, Nicholas, Edwin & i made our way to the atrium to slack for a while before them four of us had to go for our bridging math.

and damn. the way Nicholas struggled to hoist his body weight up the wall. too adorable.

bye.

Classmates of 2013.

hey guys. how's it going? how has school been? Ngee Ann just recently celebrated its 50th Anniversary and we were all forced to go Botanic Gardens to lepak.

at least my classmates and i managed to have a few laughs together. like we always do. the top 2 things which made me laugh:
1. edwin's "you think we all so organised ah, all bring the same mat together?!"
2. edwin's "even if i push him down the drain also you all will still continue walking one!"

XD

we had dinner together afterwards, at a Wendy's at Orchard, laughing at the most random things ever. Susan and i went into H&M for a while to look at clothes which i will never be able to pull off; told her about how 'Aamir always picks clothes out for me when we go shopping, and she agreed that such a boyfriend is so damn rare ^_^

how i treasure my classmates right now. we all took the mrt together and alighted at our respective stations, me being the first to drop off at Bishan to transfer to the circle line. i missed them immediately after i watched the last carriage of the train disappear from my view.

every Monday i have a class which sits at Block 50; near the school of Film &Media Studies. something which i wanted. it broke my heart everytime.

what if back then on the 31st of January, the text i received had stated that i was admitted to the film course indeed, instead of where i am right now. i'd be over the moon wouldnt i?

but then i thought. what if today, when i am walking down the lanes in Ngee Ann, as an FMS student instead of SOE; and i see the people of ECE 1A1 walking past me. i wouldnt recognise them. and this thought alone is enough to make me sad.

it would feel like waking up in a hospital to a family who had been erased from your memories.

this is 2013. how many times have i told myself, yet i still havent gotten this into my head despite it being almost half the year through already.

the reason why i'm not even living with my parents was because i stayed out overnight with my sec 4 and 5 classmates. it was the last straw for my father.

how i loved those classmates so; my classmates of 2011 and 2012. i thought they loved me too. i thought they treasured me as much as i did them. apparently not. i was invisible in the classroom. i thought they could see me already. they did, but i guess they didnt accept it.

i shall cherish my classmates of 2013 like there is no tomorrow.

The power of words.

A musician, producing music with their guitars and pianos and voices.

An artist, creating works of art with their pencils and paintbrushes and spraypaint cans.

An athlete, showing their bits of strength by running and jumping and swimming.

I'm neither of the above, but music forms from my paragraphs, my art comes from my sentences, and my strength shows in my words.

I'm a writer and although i cant sing, or draw, or run even for a bit; i have everything as long as i have the power of words.

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A dozen purple hyacinths, to and fro.

you pulled me to you, buried your face in my hair and you said; "i fucking love you."

you held me til my ribs were about to break, til i wasn't sure if you were ever gonna let me go. even when you released me from your arms, you held my hand every moment you could.

that was just yesterday.

what got into you? you were fine this morning. all you did was go out to have breakfast with your family and you even went to the park. you came home, and started venting it on me.

i dont understand your transitions. sometimes you get angry at me simply because of something from the past. it's not fair, don't you think?

you've made your mistakes too. like the 13th of April this year. i met my mama after four months of not seeing each other but she made me upset and literally left me at the side of the road. a hearty reunion! i texted you, but you ignored me. your last seens showed how you were ignoring me.

and when you did talk to me, what did you say? you said i was exaggerating, and that you didnt believe me.

i couldnt help it, i did what i did in the past. you abandoned me for a moment there, and all i could do was remember the promise i made you of across in abandonment, down in death.

i really needed you. but you werent there. you didnt want to be there.

had my first day of tertiary education two days later, and i had to cover what i did. they were a constant reminder of you not being there. even when i was afraid of my new classmates seeing them and not accepting me for it. do you know how afraid i was...?

still, i forgave you each time i looked at them.

a dozen purple hyacinths, to and fro; just that i am forcing them out of you while i willingly give a thousand to you.

Still developing, still learning.

once upon a time, she who had a good husband went looking for another man outside the household.

she brought her daughter on their dates, and her daughter watched them caress each other as he held she in his arms. the little girl couldn't focus on the movie; she was getting fascinated with the way she and the man enjoyed the other's embrace.

once upon another time, he who had a sweet girlfriend went looking for another girl from the very same classroom.

he wasnt having any problems with his girlfriend but he went to look for solace from the girl. he held her hand and he held her in his arms and he made her fall in love with him.

i dont even know what 'karma' is anymore. it means so many things. not only in the sense that you get treated the way you treat others; but what about in the sense that you are now treating others how you were treated in the past? what about in the sense that you've watched your role models do "bad" things that you are doing right now?

i lost my last baby tooth yesterday; my symbol of immaturity, if you remember from this post.

now that it's gone, i feel like i can finally move on in life. i've been admiring the space between my other adult teeth and staring at the top of my last growing adult tooth sprouting from my gum.

and then i thought; just because the milk tooth is out, it doesnt mean the adult tooth will just as instantly grow in its place. it takes time for the latter as well.

give me time, would you? i'm still growing up. i still dont know what goes on in my head. you're right, i have escaped it, physically, but i sure as hell havent escaped it mentally.

give me more time, would you, baby?

'Aamir and I. [for fifteen minutes]

the boy popped by for a visit yesterday. we had the best sandwiches i've ever tasted, and coke which his stomach was not able to digest.

A metaphor not worth reading.

it just breaks my heart to walk past the places where i'd wanted to go. but have no authorised access to. it just pains me, to imagine myself being able to go there. but in reality, i'm not.

it feels like i'm lost. i know where i'm going, but i'm not even sure what i'm doing here. i know i'm heading north. but what am i gonna do once i'm there? why am i even here in the south?

o well. at least here where i am, i get to gain experience, acquaintances; what i never once expected to obtain. at least i know i am gonna continue walking; because i havent got what i wanted.

i will keep on walking. til i get to where i really want. for now wherever my destination is, i'll get there, complete what i must, and then i'll head towards where i really want to.

i just hope, that by the time i get to the north, i still have the same desire to go where i want to right now.

____

am in class now. just a quick update. smell ya later!

A new semester.

opens new post

remember back in our childhoods when we were kids getting all worked up over Mew's clone because he was so powerful and so cool?

well, there is a rumoured new form of Mewtwo in Pokemon X and Pokemon Y.
and it looks like this.

a tail on the head! so c o o l!! :-)

SURF through seas, FLY through skies, ROCK SMASH and CUT through all obstacles, back to Kanto and hide in Pallet Town

____

Saturday, 6th of April, 2013

had one last date with 'Aamir. he's starting school on the 8th and he was gonna be real busy soon. as would i. so i just thought i'd better spend my off day with the boy.

he had a long journey through the North South and Circle lines before meeting me at Paya Lebar, and we made our way to Lavender to look for a street we've both never been to.

and the shop we were looking for was closed.

Bugis was our next stop, where we went to Cotton On; and he picked out a pair of jeans and a shirt for me {: where the hell can you get a boyfriend who picks out clothes for you?

tried them on and damn girl. for once i liked what i saw in the mirror. 'Aamir did a good job.

so i had a conversation with the salesgirl which i initiated, and i was telling 'Aamir about it when he gave a surprised smile and said; "you started a conversation?" and he gave me applause.

he kept staring at me and exclaiming, "you look so pretty today!" because i wore my hat like how i always did on our first few dates {: to ignite that memory, and spark the passion, you know?

sat at the staircase  snacking on fishballs, chicken wings and cheap apple juice before heading to Tampines to meet an Instashop owner.

'Aamir and i were really pissed at each other at this point of time. it was something i did, but i only got pissed at him because he was rejecting my advances to cheer him up.

in the end i got him a meal from Burger King and specially presented his chocolate sundae to him, before he decided he wanted to talk to me.

made our way to Woodlands, all the way in the green and red lines, to do a little bit more shopping before heading to the gym to meet Luke.

and that was the last time i hung out with 'Aamir before he started school.

____

Sunday,7th of April, 2013.

upon alighting from bus 3, i straightway ran down the street, across the road, and up the escalators, only slowing down to turn corners. and damn girl! i was still late for work! 

still, i did what i always do when i am late on Sunday mornings: slack. Shushan repeatedly came to me and exclaimed, "SLACKER!" i just laughed and practically dragged myself to do my work. 

even when we both had our things to do, i kept going to her and telling her about my date with 'Aamir the day before, and making her admit how adorable the boy really is :3 

the thing about the tuna puffs made me laugh til i was literally kneeling on the floor clutching my stomach!! holy shit that was priceless! 

when we were both done with our tasks, and there were no more customers coming in, i went down to get us bubble tea. the usual; i didnt have to say anything and the bubble tea lady already knew what i wanted, for myself and for Shushan. 

we were slacking back at the bakery, when Shushan received a text from Lady Boss. she read out loud; "lao ban shuo, yo kong, *some tasks that we were supposed to do on our own initiative*" 

and Shushan was like, "scary right? how she know we are free now? she got spy sia." 

so we decided to take a cloth and clean the shit out of every surface we could find. 

and yes! once again i got addicted to cleaning for a while there. Shushan kept stealing my best friend Cif from me, and kept meddling with the space that i was cleaning. we had so much fun that it didnt feel like work at all! 

during the night shift, though, there were so many customers coming and going, and although it was time for me to go, i decided to stay and help Shushan because she looked so stressed. 

we endured the endless waves of annoying customers, til it was 8, and i left when things were getting quiet again. 

and that was the last time i worked a whole day with Shushan. 

____

Monday, 8th of April, 2013.

came the day both 'Aamir and Shushan started at their respective new schools. i dragged myself to work, knowing Shushan wouldnt be there, knowing i would not be able to text 'Aamir. i felt so alone, i felt left behind. 

it felt like they were walking roads which i would never be able to reach. 

thats how alone i felt. 

____

Monday, 15th of April, 2013 - Friday, 19th of April, 2013

had brand new Converse on my feet, and on the Paya Lebar MRT platform, i took the train heading to Joo Koon instead of Pasir Ris; i was on my way to school instead of work, finally!

both 'Aamir and Shushan were texting me too; i was not alone after all. silly me to think i was getting abandoned. they gave me support i needed to feel confident about myself, and damn girl! i was early in reaching school :D 

my classmates were, initially, really quiet. annoyingly quiet in my humble opinion. you couldnt blame me for comparing them to my previous classmates, the chaotic 4/2 2011 and 5/1 2012. 

there is this one particular guy who caught my attention for looking really unamused. and when i say unamused, he really looks unamused. 

so unamused that it began to amuse me. 

the lunch with advisor on Thursday the 18th was awesome. by then most of us were in the class Whatsapp group, and when things got a little awkward, we do what we do when we are awkward... look at our phones. 

we were snickering here and there and occasionally burst into laughter throughout the presentation, til the advisor had to ask, "what are you all laughing about?"

and the unamused guy? his name is Shafie. and during that hour or so, he looked so darn amused. 

i couldnt stop giggling myself! this class is awesome. 1A1, just so you know :3

we chatted til 2 in the morning, the wee hours of Friday the 19th; and we got pizza together before school started. Shafie was looking smokin hot but damn, it started raining and we were all freezing. 

at least the rain stopped when it was time to make our way to school. arrived at the lecture hall early, and we all sat down to Whatsapp for a while, still giggling here and there XD 

when the briefings were over, Susan and i went to the poolside canteen, with Shafie and Qi Hong joining us a while later. the more i talked to Shafie, the more amused i was because he was so darn good at keeping that unamused face! 

the four of us hung out at the Grandstand to charge phone [Shafie] and look at people in their sports ccas [Susan]. talked a bit, getting to know each other, all the way til 8.30.

i'm starting to really love my current classmates. 

in the past, whenever i started in a new class, i would spend the first few days with the new classmates thinking and missing my previous ones. but 1A1 is different. i'm looking forward to school days with this great bunch of people. 

Poem for his first day of school.

Hey there, charming little prince.
Little girl calling you here from the East.
For granted i had taken your embrace.
And then three months passed without my notice.

Someone tomorrow is starting school.
Friends and environment, everything is new.
People and surroundings, probably scaring you.
But dont you worry babyboo.

With the lines above your mouth when you smile,
Underneath the eyes that are indescribable bright,
Head to the sky chin held high.
Yes boy you today are going to shine.

Eyes will look and some will judge.
Some will glance and wont think much.
Girls will turn and start to gush.
Some might even develop a crush ]:

Just look ahead and remember why you're here.
Dont dwell on the past, because those failures are over.
Ahead of you believe me is a bright future.
Advert your eyes to it, pretty as a picture {:

Wallowing in self pity i may be.
Not the perfect example for you to see.
But i'm not stopping here, and neither are you.
Im not giving up my dreams, so you'd better not too.

This is specially for 'Aamir Kamsari and anyone else who's starting in a new school tomorrow/soon.

Don't stop, no matter what you do. Cry and regret and get pissed at the education system all you want. But don't ever, ever stop moving forward.

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The right hand.

as a child, i was taught to always accept things with my right hand. especially money. every time an adult gave me money and i stuck out my left hand, Mommy would snap, "ambik dengan tangan apa tu?"

Granny also tells me all the time; "apa-apa tangan kanan. tangan kiri tangan syaitan."

now as a salesgirl, people pass me money every single hour of the day. those who don't follow this courtesy would still accept their change with the left hand, but i still make the effort to free my right hand to accept the money.

there is this particular customer who left an impression on me long ago in regards to this. he works at the barber's three shops away and he passes by the bakery to and fro regularly. once in a while he comes in and buys mineral water; occasionally a red bean bun.

he was talking on the phone when he paid, that one day, and i was giving him his change when he switched hands just so he could retrieve it with his right hand.

you may think it's nothing much but it left a deep impression on me. i told myself that i would make sure i will always accept money with my right hand, especially to this guy.

so two days ago, i was doing my work as always. it wasnt that crowded, it being a weekday. but i dont know what possessed me to be so hasty; i cut myself by accident, by hitting my hand on the corner of a sharp edge. with full force.

at first i felt the pain of  bruise, til i saw there was a cut, and a few drops of blood were sliding down. i stared, fascinated, until i realised that the blood was not stopping its flow.

plop, plop, plop. like the start of a drizzle, the blood dripped onto the floor. i crouched on the floor watching, not knowing what to do. and then someone called me over the counter.

i stood up. it was the barber guy. "oh, sorry, my bad." i laughed nervously. i hid my right hand behind me as it was bleeding profusely, and proceeded to take his money with my good hand, when i remembered how he had always accepted his change with his right hand.

i switched hands, and nervously stuck out my bleeding hand to him. as he was laying his coins into my hand, i withdrew it behind the ledge and more blood dripped onto the lower end of the counter.

he looked at me suspiciously and asked, "is something wrong?"

another nervous chuckle. "nothing, i'm just bleeding."

i walked over to the cash register afterwards, making more and more blood drip all over the floor. he walked behind the counter and took a look, and he paused for a second, taking in the sight.

"you need a plaster." he declared. he disappeared for a while and came back with tissues and Hansaplasts; cleared and covered the wound for me.

he asked me what happened and i tried to remember too but i couldnt seem to.

he went back to work after seeing that my wound was all wrapped up, and came back later to give me a few more plasters in case i needed them.


if it hadnt been for him, i would be at a loss of what to do. never had an accidental cut for so long, and not in public, so i wasn't very prepared for the massive blood loss.

i have many points for telling this story. not only the kindness of a stranger, but also the emphasise on safety at work, and the fact that if you keep a promise, it would help you more than you can imagine in future. 

i've been relying on my left hand for now, because parts of my right hand still feel numb, especially around the cut. i cant even hold a pen properly, so im forced to suspend my writing til it's fine again. o well.

it's a struggle to push up the shutters, you know! 

Bringing up the past a while.

Where was he when i needed him? Wasnt it his mistakes, wasnt it his trail of gasoline? Wasnt it his mess; wasnt it his responsibility to clean up?

I called. I texted. I waited underneath his void deck. Hoping, just hoping, that he would just look at me and help me. That he would know what is going on with me and understand that i needed him the most.

But no. He never looked at me. He had left, and i pushed everyone away, and he wouldnt even look at me.

Now, 2013. I have you. You always have your eyes on me. But... You still talk to your ex-girlfriend so regularly. Someone from your past. Is she alone? Is she an island isolated from the people she thought she could count on?

I was ignored when i really needed the one who left me. Why should i give someone from YOUR past the privilege of having your eyes on her, when you are mine now? Why should i let you talk to her, why? Tell me why.

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Beyond saving.

I will never forget how you both kept hitting me without listening to me first.

I recall how she always hit me with a hanger, and he with his belt. ...Oh, i was the one who got him that belt for his 45th birthday.

It was unfair. Not only were they never there for me, but they never tried to listen to me when i had problems. Oh he said i could go to him if i had problems. So i told him. All he could do was hit me.

"Patut ah, tak belajar, selama ni kau keluar dengan jantan!" i remember his words, shouted from my bedroom door. As i laid on the bed clutching my stomach.. "Kalau dapat itu jantan aku rembat habis ah."

I didnt want to go to school because it was getting pointless.. He didnt listen to what i had to say. He only presumed that i was losing interest in my studies. What did he know.. He never looked behind the bedroom door.

All he cared was the competition between him and his many siblings. It was obvious from the very start. He kept pressuring me to go Jc. Mommy told me it was because.. If i did, i'd be the first among his brothers and sisters' children to have made it.

I dropped art on purpose so i'd only have 5 subjects. So i wouldnt have enough subjects to go to Jc. It was a rash decision but at that time i really didnt know what else to do..

Do you still remember..? When he thought i was being cocky just because i was taking O levels. "Dia ingat dia O levels je dia dah boleh pijak kepala kita." what did he know.. He didnt know i was way behind my classmates and i was aware of that.. THATS why i wanted to study so bad.. Is that "cocky"..?

And she.. When she carried me in her stomach did we not create any bond? Why does she understand my brothers but never me? I thought she would dote on me the most because i was a girl. She used to call me her "sweetheart darling honey".. And her nickname for me: "Nure'in". When was the last time she called me that in her affectionate tone? Is it just a childhood thing?

Why did she like to hit me? Why did she enjoy insulting me? Why did she give her attention only to her sons and not me? Why did she not notice that i was cutting? Was the blood all over the sleeve of my uniform not enough?

17 years, they raised me.. Was that not enough to notice if there was anything wrong with me?

Why did my elder brother received help and their attention when he already announced wanting to drop out of school? Why was my younger brother immediately sent to the hospital whenever he had a high fever?

Why was i shunned when i made it to Sec 5, an O levels year? Why was i not bothered with when i was sick, presumed to be pretending so i could skip school?

I never understood why they always came searching for me when i ran away in rebellion to their negligence. Like i used to say; "dont bring home an injured cat if you've no idea how to treat it."

They should be happier now. They have one less mouth to feed. A useless girl out of the family. A ghost out of that God-damned house.

I still dont understand why they hated me so much.

But it's okay. They dont own me anymore. I'm just an injured cat. They're sending me away, my aunt's place is like a vet, take care of me and heal me, or put me to sleep for all they care, so they can say "It really was beyond saving already."

I am beyond saving.

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Crappy quotes.

You know writing is all i have.

It's what i've ALWAYS had.

It was my friend in primary school. It was my solace in solitude. It was my pride and joy.

I dont mind getting criticised for everything else in this world; my lack of looks, my lack of intelligence, my lack of musical ability, my lack of athletic ability.

I dont mind being looked down upon for not being good in certain things.

So dont ever hinder me for the ONLY thing in this god-damned universe that i AM good at.

Writing is all that i have.

It's all i fucking have. Get that into your head.

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Not too much cheese or he'll puke.

now that i've a boyfriend, i havent been blogging about intelligent stuff much. all i can talk about here is how wonderful our dates are and how incredible our time spent together is. 

that's so cheesy. 

i still remember what was 'Aamir's Twitter bio when we first met, up to this day. i like cheesy jokes but not too much cheese cause it makes me puke. 

so this boy was supposed to work but he fell sick his first day on the job and the lady boss told me to send him home, one hour after he started. so i did. and he puked a lot!

you know how in Pokemon contests the trainers make their Pokemon combine their attacks to create something new, something for presentation. well 'Aamir combined Waterfall and Mud Sport and let it flow through to the toilet bowl, letting me be the judge of that show. 

ok that was a silly metaphor. 

took 969 from Tampines to the other end, Woodlands, and he was already wrapped up in my hoodie but he was still shivering, the poor boy. 

i felt bad for being unable to send him all the way home; he lives in Johore after all. 

i'd spent another whole day with him again the other day. we met in the North, Marsiling to be exact, at 8 in the morning because he wanted to go for a run. 

got some soya milk thing which we drank while walking to Woodlands Sports complex, and halfway i already wanted to surrender. 

"can i not run?" i kept asking. and each time he answered with a frustrated look which said don't you dare back out on me. 

upon arriving at the sports complex he made me change into his tshirt and shorts and his first reaction was "so cute!!" stuffed our phones and wallets into the locker and walked out to the field, and yes, my Axes. i ran, ok? i really did! without stopping! 

i ran 1/6 of the number of rounds 'Aamir ran. 

and 'Aamir ran 6 rounds. 

he could really run, and i'm surprised at that! really. 

so we separated to our respective changing rooms and i was done with cleaning myself up so i went over to the guys'. the whole lane was deserted so i just stood there by the door, and there he was, checking himself out in the mirror and adjusting his hair. 

i was just staring at him, thinking how cute he was when he turned, saw me, and jerked hard, exclaiming "HO! MAK KAU TERKEJUT!"

i swear i did not mean to scare him at all, but his reaction was priceless!!! you should have seen how he jerked in shock! i should have recorded that shit, damn it! i couldnt help giggling each time i remembered, and up til now it makes me giggle in memory. 

we explored the purple line mostly, first we headed to Hougang where i collected something i bought online; these keychains of Red's and Pikachu's sprites; gave the latter to 'Aamir. 

our last stop was Serangoon where we took a walk through Nex and sat at the library a while. by then it was 6 in the evening and we decided to go one last stop; Cotton On. 

i made him try on some of the "2 for $30" printed tees at the guys section, and when he showed me he had this proud grin on his face as he declared "i like it!" 

and then he exclaimed, "i like this shop! why havent i came in here before!?" with that smile of his and the lines at the corners of his mouth. too adorable.

headed to the Mrt station and took the Circle Line to Bishan, where we took the red line to Choa Chu Kang. and that was when we parted. 

days with 'Aamir are the best. 

when i'm with him i don't need to be anywhere else.

the time spent with him i'll always remember. 

even years down the road; this i assure. 

ok, too cheesy. wouldn't want the boy to combine his Waterfall and Mud Sport again. 

If they could read this now.

Now playing: The Script - If You Could See Me Now

The man called Father. And the woman called Mother. The two most important people who contributed significantly to our existence.

Did that give them a right to take my life as their own? Is it right for them to have expectations of me, to be proud of me or disappointed with me. Did they have the right?

My parents practically tossed me aside during my critical period back in 2012. Why? Because i disappointed them. Because i wasnt making them happy. So they decide; "i dont regard her as mine anymore."

If they could just abandon me during my failures, why should i regard them during my success?

Mommy locked me out of the house when i came back late from a study session. She vented her anger on me in the middle of my exam period.

Yet she had the guts to come over to my aunt's place, where i was living, and demand my O levels results slip.

Daddy was always working and didnt understand modern things. He did not understand that i needed friends and that i could not be alone anymore. He kicked me out when i stayed up overnight with my classmates.

Right. You're gonna say they're still my parents no matter what, and that they gave birth and raised me all my past 17 years. And that yes, i was young and stupid and wrong.

You know how tongues wag; "her parents didnt raise her properly", if eyes see an attitudinal teenager. Yes, it is true. My parents never raised me right. They did went wrong somewhere.

I just dont know where.

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