I'm sorry, I just had to write in again. I have an issue. Well, I do have a lot, but this one is an issue that everyone has....... I don't know what to wear tomorrow.
It's first day of the second semester. And from what I think, it seems like I'm in a class full of new faces. And I'm also one of those new faces. So...... What do I wear as a first impression?
I only have two choices, actually, so my dilemma shouldn't be that bad. Or should it? I have to choose between two: wear something which is 100% me? Or wear something which is just a trial, like a piece that I'm just trying out in my journey to change my fashion sense?
It's more difficult than you think okay!?!?!? I'd love to wear something out of my box, I really do, because it's first impression after all. But what if I'm not comfortable??? I always feel like shit when I'm wearing something for the first time. And what if they look at me and be like, "Ugh, this is just freaking engineering school, what's she dressed up for?" And then time goes on and I start to wear my tshirts again and they'd be like "Okay she's getting more boring."
On the other hand, if I were to wear my tshirt and cardigan tomorrow... Idk. People who know me from the previous semester would be like, "Okay, she's still as boring as ever????" [I know they won't even notice me but damn it, you don't know me okay? It's the freaking anxiety, it's the freaking social anxiety]
Looking at my pile of clothes just intensifies my panic. I HAVE A TON OF TSHIRTS!!!! I ALSO HAVE A TON OF TOPS THAT I HARDLY WEAR!!! WHICH CATEGORY DO I DRAW OUT A PIECE FROM TO WEAR TOMORROW?????? HELP.
.......At least I know I'll be wearing jeans. Yup. That just makes everything soooooooo much easier. :-)
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Upcoming flea markets.
Just a short update. If you had read my previous post, the one about flea marketing with the girls, and are keeping an eye out for flea markets like I'd told you to... I've done abit of Googling and I'll have you know that there are flea parties, very much like the one I'd gone to with Farizah and Shushan, every weekend day of October, and every day of November.
The address? Lucky Plaza, Level 6, opposite Jubilee. Nearest MRT is NS22 Orchard, for all I remember.
More other upcoming flea markets can be found here, so you can check it out for yourself. Even better, you can also rent booths and sell your preloved items hehe (;
If you're really on the hunt for super cheap clothes, I encourage you to make your way to these parties. That's if you don't mind secondhand items, and if you don't mind battling crowds. You also have to have the will to rummage through piles of clothes and the patience to wait til something catches your eye. Okay?
I'm gonna go hunt for thrift stores in the West soon, and I'm gonna be blogging about all these shopping stuff for a while, so bear with me.
The address? Lucky Plaza, Level 6, opposite Jubilee. Nearest MRT is NS22 Orchard, for all I remember.
More other upcoming flea markets can be found here, so you can check it out for yourself. Even better, you can also rent booths and sell your preloved items hehe (;
If you're really on the hunt for super cheap clothes, I encourage you to make your way to these parties. That's if you don't mind secondhand items, and if you don't mind battling crowds. You also have to have the will to rummage through piles of clothes and the patience to wait til something catches your eye. Okay?
I'm gonna go hunt for thrift stores in the West soon, and I'm gonna be blogging about all these shopping stuff for a while, so bear with me.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Flea marketing with the girls!
So I've finally mustered up the courage to blog. I was too engrossed watching Pokemon X/Y gameplays on Youtube! It's the only way to make up for the fact that I can't play the game myself. Ugh. Why did I remind myself of this misery?
Anyway! What am I here for? I am here for you.
I'd spent yesterday hunting down flea markets in town area. Is it town? Idk. I think that's what they call it. I'd like to call it NS22. Though I met Pearl, Farizah and Shushan at NS23... Hmmm I'm not sure, I'm not a town ghost.
I decided to wear some pieces from my makeshift wardrobe that hadn't had opportunity to see the daylight; this tribal top [which I only wanted to wear once the trend has died down] and these wedges boots shit with laces which I bought online for $5. Of course, since I've decided that jeans will be my best friends forever, I paired these with my black skinnies. Walah! An outfit out of my box, yet still in touch with my original taste.
I was still overshadowed though. Pearl came in this white chiffon top with metal-tipped collars, and these burgundy shoes similar to those type that dolls always have on. Overshadowed as always, but it's okay, I still felt like I was glowing in my own shine (':
It was originally supposed to be all 7 of us, and then it went down to 5 because Siying and Sabrina couldn't join us, and then Asleah couldn't make it due to emergency, until it narrowed down to just the 4 of us. Pearl couldn't stay long because she's from La Salle and she has tons of artsy fartsy assignments thrown onto her which had to be completed within tight deadlines.
Our first stop? Scape's flea market. Farizah was looking for phone covers but we also managed to browse around a bit. Damn. Too many stuff that I did want. But of course, they were over my budget. Also, the fact that these pieces are super mainstream. And it also did not help that there were many tops which were perfect, fucking perfect, if it wasn't for the fact that they were fucking cropped.
I was also looking for belts, because I really love the one Shushan lent me, it's so versatile. But she wanted it back so she helped me look for similar pieces. Saw this booth with a few that I considered, but I changed my mind when the China vendor gave this fucking rude treatment to Farizah just because she was trying on the bracelets. She even gave this glare to Farizah and muttered under her breath in Chinese, "I'm watching you ah." I was straightout disgusted [no other word for it] so I didn't go anywhere near there anymore.
Like, dude! Farizah's just a customer. What's so wrong about her trying on your fucking bracelets? Ugh so many things to say but it's okay.
I bought an Ez-link sticker for myself! The cat on it looks so much like my cat best friend, I couldn't resist! Shushan got shoes and Pearl got a top. We walked around once more, but again, I couldn't find anything that was cheap. So we made our way to the next destination.
This guy approached us to do a survey, and I swear I didn't want to. Some months ago I'd been approached by this woman at my school to do a money/savings survey, and she wouldn't stop calling me on my mobile asking to meet up for "further discussions regarding the survey".
Well this guy wouldn't stop tailing us and eventually Pearl gave in. This was when we were planning to take a group photo, and then Farizah suggested asking him to do the honours. Of course, in return, we all had to do the damn survey for him, so I did just that.
Pearl had to go right after, leaving behind me, Farizah, and Shushan. Okay so honestly, all three of us are kind of town noobs... Which way was it to Lucky Plaza? Took us a while to remember. Took us another while to find our way.
Asleah was the one who told us about this flea market, and all my years of knowing Farizah and Shushan, I was actually surprised that they were so enthusiastic! They found so many things they liked, and they were so willing to rummage through the racks and piles, determined to find something they want. It just made me excited about doing that too!
My current fashion hunt is actually for chiffon long-sleeved tops. Found quite a few, branded and for like $3 too, but were too small for me. Most of the booths were super crowded so we didn't bother stopping at those, til I caught sight of a sheer chiffon with long sleeves that had hearts at the cuffs. Aha!
Shushan and Farizah found something they liked from the same booth too, except theirs were for $2 each and mine was for $8. Boohoo. The girl at that booth was friendly though, and she told me that she couldn't find anything to wear with that certain top I bought, and that she hoped I had. I told her I have a tank top that would go with it, and she was so happy to hear!
The hunt continues. Alright so Shushan and Farizah didn't really have anything they were really looking for. They were just browsing, waiting for something to catch their eye. I found this gorgeous leather skirt, and a galaxy skirt both which I actually really liked. But of course, after consideration I didn't get those, and Siying did advise me to get more feminine top pieces instead of bottoms, since I'm dead-set on my skinny jeans.
After more walking and scouring, I finally found another piece that I so needed to get. It's this floral chiffon, with long sleeves and collars. I picked it up immediately and said to the girls, "I want this!" Then I saw a price on its collar, this sticker with $10 written on it. "Aww man, no! It's $10!"
I kept whining about it being $10, until the girl vendors were like, "Oh, everything on this rack is actually $8!" Well... It was still kind of overpriced for me. So I put it back. Shushan and Farizah stayed there to look at other stuff, and I tried to but I couldn't keep my eyes off the floral chiffon!
Well guess what? The girl vendors saw me eyeing it, and one of them spoke up: "Do you want it? I'll give it to you for 6 lah." So I grinned, and I said.................. YES. Tadah! No bargaining required! Just a sad, hopeful look and a cute grin needed!
Shushan and Farizah got more stuff for themselves, and we finally made our way out some time after. We sat by the ledge and compared our loots, and surprisingly they both bought more stuff than I did! A little confession though, if I'd had more money I would definitely have gotten more items. Definitely would have gotten the skirts I mentioned, probably on impulse but hey whatever.
So there you have it. Thrift stores on one day, and flea markets the next. I swear that buying from these are so much more worth than all the stores at the malls. You'd be surprised at what you can find. Some of the pieces are actually still in really good condition; they were probably donated or being sold because they don't fit. Believe the people when they say "One man's trash is another man's treasure".
Of course, I'm not done hunting. As you know, I do love exploring. I really do. I'm gonna try hunting for cheap steals in the West as well, and not to forget the North. For these, I'm not sure who I should ask along, because 'Aamir wouldn't be a good candidate for being, well, a boy. And not all the girls are that willing to travel so far across the country. Probably only Siying is, but she's from Temasek which is not so convenient for her on schooldays. Oh well. I'll see how it goes.
Keep an eye out for flea markets as well. You really would be damn surprised at what you can find, especially if the vendors are girls our age. Those stalls are the best.
I guess I'm done with this post??? Oh damn, I just received a call from yesterday's survey guy, asking to meet too. Well fuck this shit, why am I such an imbecile, leaving my real phone number on that damn piece of paper UGH.
One last day of work tomorrow, and then Hari Raya Haji, and then back to school. Ah, the misery. Well, for now, I'm just gonna continue watching Pokemon X/Y gameplays! Took a break just to write this post. See you tomorrow then, goodbye.
Anyway! What am I here for? I am here for you.
I'd spent yesterday hunting down flea markets in town area. Is it town? Idk. I think that's what they call it. I'd like to call it NS22. Though I met Pearl, Farizah and Shushan at NS23... Hmmm I'm not sure, I'm not a town ghost.
I decided to wear some pieces from my makeshift wardrobe that hadn't had opportunity to see the daylight; this tribal top [which I only wanted to wear once the trend has died down] and these wedges boots shit with laces which I bought online for $5. Of course, since I've decided that jeans will be my best friends forever, I paired these with my black skinnies. Walah! An outfit out of my box, yet still in touch with my original taste.
I was still overshadowed though. Pearl came in this white chiffon top with metal-tipped collars, and these burgundy shoes similar to those type that dolls always have on. Overshadowed as always, but it's okay, I still felt like I was glowing in my own shine (':
It was originally supposed to be all 7 of us, and then it went down to 5 because Siying and Sabrina couldn't join us, and then Asleah couldn't make it due to emergency, until it narrowed down to just the 4 of us. Pearl couldn't stay long because she's from La Salle and she has tons of artsy fartsy assignments thrown onto her which had to be completed within tight deadlines.
Our first stop? Scape's flea market. Farizah was looking for phone covers but we also managed to browse around a bit. Damn. Too many stuff that I did want. But of course, they were over my budget. Also, the fact that these pieces are super mainstream. And it also did not help that there were many tops which were perfect, fucking perfect, if it wasn't for the fact that they were fucking cropped.
I was also looking for belts, because I really love the one Shushan lent me, it's so versatile. But she wanted it back so she helped me look for similar pieces. Saw this booth with a few that I considered, but I changed my mind when the China vendor gave this fucking rude treatment to Farizah just because she was trying on the bracelets. She even gave this glare to Farizah and muttered under her breath in Chinese, "I'm watching you ah." I was straightout disgusted [no other word for it] so I didn't go anywhere near there anymore.
Like, dude! Farizah's just a customer. What's so wrong about her trying on your fucking bracelets? Ugh so many things to say but it's okay.
I bought an Ez-link sticker for myself! The cat on it looks so much like my cat best friend, I couldn't resist! Shushan got shoes and Pearl got a top. We walked around once more, but again, I couldn't find anything that was cheap. So we made our way to the next destination.
This guy approached us to do a survey, and I swear I didn't want to. Some months ago I'd been approached by this woman at my school to do a money/savings survey, and she wouldn't stop calling me on my mobile asking to meet up for "further discussions regarding the survey".
Well this guy wouldn't stop tailing us and eventually Pearl gave in. This was when we were planning to take a group photo, and then Farizah suggested asking him to do the honours. Of course, in return, we all had to do the damn survey for him, so I did just that.
Pearl had to go right after, leaving behind me, Farizah, and Shushan. Okay so honestly, all three of us are kind of town noobs... Which way was it to Lucky Plaza? Took us a while to remember. Took us another while to find our way.
Asleah was the one who told us about this flea market, and all my years of knowing Farizah and Shushan, I was actually surprised that they were so enthusiastic! They found so many things they liked, and they were so willing to rummage through the racks and piles, determined to find something they want. It just made me excited about doing that too!
My current fashion hunt is actually for chiffon long-sleeved tops. Found quite a few, branded and for like $3 too, but were too small for me. Most of the booths were super crowded so we didn't bother stopping at those, til I caught sight of a sheer chiffon with long sleeves that had hearts at the cuffs. Aha!
Shushan and Farizah found something they liked from the same booth too, except theirs were for $2 each and mine was for $8. Boohoo. The girl at that booth was friendly though, and she told me that she couldn't find anything to wear with that certain top I bought, and that she hoped I had. I told her I have a tank top that would go with it, and she was so happy to hear!
The hunt continues. Alright so Shushan and Farizah didn't really have anything they were really looking for. They were just browsing, waiting for something to catch their eye. I found this gorgeous leather skirt, and a galaxy skirt both which I actually really liked. But of course, after consideration I didn't get those, and Siying did advise me to get more feminine top pieces instead of bottoms, since I'm dead-set on my skinny jeans.
After more walking and scouring, I finally found another piece that I so needed to get. It's this floral chiffon, with long sleeves and collars. I picked it up immediately and said to the girls, "I want this!" Then I saw a price on its collar, this sticker with $10 written on it. "Aww man, no! It's $10!"
I kept whining about it being $10, until the girl vendors were like, "Oh, everything on this rack is actually $8!" Well... It was still kind of overpriced for me. So I put it back. Shushan and Farizah stayed there to look at other stuff, and I tried to but I couldn't keep my eyes off the floral chiffon!
Well guess what? The girl vendors saw me eyeing it, and one of them spoke up: "Do you want it? I'll give it to you for 6 lah." So I grinned, and I said.................. YES. Tadah! No bargaining required! Just a sad, hopeful look and a cute grin needed!
Shushan and Farizah got more stuff for themselves, and we finally made our way out some time after. We sat by the ledge and compared our loots, and surprisingly they both bought more stuff than I did! A little confession though, if I'd had more money I would definitely have gotten more items. Definitely would have gotten the skirts I mentioned, probably on impulse but hey whatever.
So there you have it. Thrift stores on one day, and flea markets the next. I swear that buying from these are so much more worth than all the stores at the malls. You'd be surprised at what you can find. Some of the pieces are actually still in really good condition; they were probably donated or being sold because they don't fit. Believe the people when they say "One man's trash is another man's treasure".
Of course, I'm not done hunting. As you know, I do love exploring. I really do. I'm gonna try hunting for cheap steals in the West as well, and not to forget the North. For these, I'm not sure who I should ask along, because 'Aamir wouldn't be a good candidate for being, well, a boy. And not all the girls are that willing to travel so far across the country. Probably only Siying is, but she's from Temasek which is not so convenient for her on schooldays. Oh well. I'll see how it goes.
Keep an eye out for flea markets as well. You really would be damn surprised at what you can find, especially if the vendors are girls our age. Those stalls are the best.
I guess I'm done with this post??? Oh damn, I just received a call from yesterday's survey guy, asking to meet too. Well fuck this shit, why am I such an imbecile, leaving my real phone number on that damn piece of paper UGH.
One last day of work tomorrow, and then Hari Raya Haji, and then back to school. Ah, the misery. Well, for now, I'm just gonna continue watching Pokemon X/Y gameplays! Took a break just to write this post. See you tomorrow then, goodbye.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
109 black Ecstasy.
I have a reason for this comeback. If it hadn't been for these reasons I wouldn't have bothered showing off my blog again.
Some weeks ago, I blogged that I had read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, and was also downloading its film onto my laptop. Since my current job is an office job, I had weekends to myself; I spent this particular Saturday watching Wallflower, and the Sunday after that on The Art Of Getting By, a similar teenage kind of film revolving around this guy named George who saw no point of life since it would all lead to death anyway.
Both these movies taught me the same thing: Declare it if you want something. Announce it if you like someone. You got to speak up for your rights, and not just do something that make others happy.
If you don't like someone, tell her instead of letting her self-declare that she's your girlfriend. If someone kisses you although you don't like that person, push him away. If you want to kiss someone, do it, before she leaves for college tomorrow. If you want to declare someone close to you as yours and yours alone, say it, before that douchebag tries to hit on your girl best friend whom you are in love with.
It's not just with love. It's also ambition. I love writing. I've said this so many times, so why do I hide my blog? If I have the balls to announce my love for it, why do I hide it and not show the world what I have, how proud I am of it? And the more I hide it, the more I won't get discovered; someone else will continue stealing the limelight.
And ta-dah! The story that led you to be here, reading this post.
I have a new name for my blog too: Axesii. It's not just Axes II, but it has its own meaning. Axesii: it sounds just like "Ecstasy", which is the trance-like state of being out of touch with ordinary life. The state where you are focused on one object and lose all senses of anything else around it. The heightened state of consciousness, or overwhelming happiness. The word just describes my feeling for writing and blogging! It's perfect!
There you have it. I hope you find me a little cooler now, heheh. I had another day hunting down cheap steals today, but I'll blog about it tomorrow. Fashion is fun, especially since I've discovered what my style really is. Yes, I'll talk all about it in my next post, goodnight.
P.s. you know... You can leave a comment on this post. Try it! You can do it anonymously too, I don't mind. Just tell me what you think of my post, pretty please with an axe to your throat okay?
Some weeks ago, I blogged that I had read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, and was also downloading its film onto my laptop. Since my current job is an office job, I had weekends to myself; I spent this particular Saturday watching Wallflower, and the Sunday after that on The Art Of Getting By, a similar teenage kind of film revolving around this guy named George who saw no point of life since it would all lead to death anyway.
Both these movies taught me the same thing: Declare it if you want something. Announce it if you like someone. You got to speak up for your rights, and not just do something that make others happy.
If you don't like someone, tell her instead of letting her self-declare that she's your girlfriend. If someone kisses you although you don't like that person, push him away. If you want to kiss someone, do it, before she leaves for college tomorrow. If you want to declare someone close to you as yours and yours alone, say it, before that douchebag tries to hit on your girl best friend whom you are in love with.
It's not just with love. It's also ambition. I love writing. I've said this so many times, so why do I hide my blog? If I have the balls to announce my love for it, why do I hide it and not show the world what I have, how proud I am of it? And the more I hide it, the more I won't get discovered; someone else will continue stealing the limelight.
And ta-dah! The story that led you to be here, reading this post.
I have a new name for my blog too: Axesii. It's not just Axes II, but it has its own meaning. Axesii: it sounds just like "Ecstasy", which is the trance-like state of being out of touch with ordinary life. The state where you are focused on one object and lose all senses of anything else around it. The heightened state of consciousness, or overwhelming happiness. The word just describes my feeling for writing and blogging! It's perfect!
There you have it. I hope you find me a little cooler now, heheh. I had another day hunting down cheap steals today, but I'll blog about it tomorrow. Fashion is fun, especially since I've discovered what my style really is. Yes, I'll talk all about it in my next post, goodnight.
P.s. you know... You can leave a comment on this post. Try it! You can do it anonymously too, I don't mind. Just tell me what you think of my post, pretty please with an axe to your throat okay?
Friday, October 11, 2013
Thrift-shopping with the best friend!
Hey there!!! I got today off, because the staff have got team-building activities today, which I wasn't part of as I'm just a temporary staff. So where did I decide to go??? Thrift-shopping!
Most thrift shops are closed on weekends, or close really early on weekdays. I wanted to go New2U at Waterloo St today, but then I found out they close at 2.30! A long way before 6pm, which I had mistaken their closing time for. What a waste, since there won't be any other opportunities since they are closed on weekends.
So anyway, since Siying couldn't join us for tomorrow, I decided to just bring her out today. What a waste that we only decided on it last minute, if not we could have made it to Waterloo. But it was alright, because there are so many other thrift stores littered around nearby.
First stop? Woodleigh. A Salvation Army outlet, just exit by Exit B and go up the escalators; you'd see the building right away. It supposedly closes at 5, but upon reaching the doorstep, we saw a sign that said: "We are closing at 4pm today, sorry for the inconvenience."
Well the first thing Siying and I did was ask each other; "What time is it now???" It was three! We had an hour to scour through the racks. No time to browse stuff other than the clothes, which we both like to do.
I found a few pieces that were to my liking, but were too pricey for something from a thrift store. What's more, after topping up my ez-link, I only had nine bucks left. I had to use them wisely!
Siying found a hoodie she really liked, from Cotton On, but it was over her budget as well. In the end she found a sort-of midi skirt for just $5, woohoo! I was also considering buying that, since there were two pieces, but I decided to be patient since we had one more stop. What's more, I repeat: I only had 9 bucks on me!!!
So our next stop: Aljunied. Okay, side story: I told my Aunty about going here, Geylang Lorong 23 to be exact, and the whole house went on rage. She, along with my uncles and granny didn't allow me to go there. Die die I'm not supposed to go anywhere near there. Why? Because it's a dirty place. I don't mean spiritually. I mean prostitute-ly.
Well... I've always been stubborn. I still decided to check that place out. Its address was Number 1, so I presumed that it'd be at the front of the lane and I wouldn't have to go pass by the "dirty" spots right? What's more I've already told my girlfriends that I'd bring them there. So I just wanted to find a quicker way to get to the thrift store without passing by those places.
It's actually easy to find! I've read other blog posts about thrift stores, and every single blogger wrote about this particular one being difficult to find. It's easy; it just took long because Siying and I were misled. You just have to exit by the exit on the left when you tap out at Aljunied [can't remember if it's Exit A or B], and then walk that long lane til you get to the road. Turn right and there's a cross junction, cross twice and then walk til you find the sign for Lorong 23. [pretty hidden] Don't go down the alley of shophouses; go opposite, you'll see a building called "Highpoint Community Services". Walk into the gates and go straight and you'll find "Hi-thrift". Hope this helps, hehe.
So this was where I found my stuff. The first thing I spotted was this robot printed collared top, only for three bucks! I immediately put it into the basket the uncle had given me. Browsed through the racks of course; for thrift stores, you really have to be patient. You have to scour through literally each piece on the racks if you really want to find something you like.
Oh, Siying and I reached out for the robot top at the same time! And she was also the one who found the next piece to my liking; this white sheer batwing top. Similar to the one I had tried on at her place a long time ago, the one which she had given her sister, except that was black. Well, white will be white, so I put it into my basket as well. Score!
I couldn't find any books I wanted [which is a fucking RARITY!!!!!! But maybe because this man was blocking me and hogging the entire bookshelf and I just didn't want to bother], but a fact you should know, all books are going at $1. Heheheheh. There were also many cute skirts I wanted!!! But after consideration I didn't add them to my basket. I just couldn't. No. )':
And that was that. The end of our thrift-shopping adventure. I still have deep regrets for mistaking New2U's closing time as 6pm!!! I still regret not meeting Siying earlier so we could make it to Waterloo today!! UGH!!! Oh well. I still had an awesome time with her looking for and through the stores. We also managed to chat for a while at Ananas about the little things in our lives.
I'll go thrift hunting again soon, and I might want to write my own post about this. That's when I get my pay hehe. Monday's my last day of work! I'm gonna miss Kat. She's one of those few people who can laugh and make lame jokes all day no matter how tired she is from working.
There's also no school and work on Tuesday since it's a public holiday. Yay! But also nay, because all the thrift stores are gonna be closed, and New2U has these daily promotions, and it happens to be "half-price for all students" every Tuesday. What a pity. But I'll definitely find a way alright!
My next aim is also Praisehaven, a Salvation Army outlet at Bukit Timah. That's damn near my school, and I've also seen it when I was on a bus to Woodlands. So yea!
Talk to you soon. My apologies for posting zero pictures; if you're new to my blog, I've made a pact never to post photos here because I'm deadset on having my words read, that's all. You can follow me on Instagram @ _109th though, if you already haven't (; Goodnight.
Most thrift shops are closed on weekends, or close really early on weekdays. I wanted to go New2U at Waterloo St today, but then I found out they close at 2.30! A long way before 6pm, which I had mistaken their closing time for. What a waste, since there won't be any other opportunities since they are closed on weekends.
So anyway, since Siying couldn't join us for tomorrow, I decided to just bring her out today. What a waste that we only decided on it last minute, if not we could have made it to Waterloo. But it was alright, because there are so many other thrift stores littered around nearby.
First stop? Woodleigh. A Salvation Army outlet, just exit by Exit B and go up the escalators; you'd see the building right away. It supposedly closes at 5, but upon reaching the doorstep, we saw a sign that said: "We are closing at 4pm today, sorry for the inconvenience."
Well the first thing Siying and I did was ask each other; "What time is it now???" It was three! We had an hour to scour through the racks. No time to browse stuff other than the clothes, which we both like to do.
I found a few pieces that were to my liking, but were too pricey for something from a thrift store. What's more, after topping up my ez-link, I only had nine bucks left. I had to use them wisely!
Siying found a hoodie she really liked, from Cotton On, but it was over her budget as well. In the end she found a sort-of midi skirt for just $5, woohoo! I was also considering buying that, since there were two pieces, but I decided to be patient since we had one more stop. What's more, I repeat: I only had 9 bucks on me!!!
So our next stop: Aljunied. Okay, side story: I told my Aunty about going here, Geylang Lorong 23 to be exact, and the whole house went on rage. She, along with my uncles and granny didn't allow me to go there. Die die I'm not supposed to go anywhere near there. Why? Because it's a dirty place. I don't mean spiritually. I mean prostitute-ly.
Well... I've always been stubborn. I still decided to check that place out. Its address was Number 1, so I presumed that it'd be at the front of the lane and I wouldn't have to go pass by the "dirty" spots right? What's more I've already told my girlfriends that I'd bring them there. So I just wanted to find a quicker way to get to the thrift store without passing by those places.
It's actually easy to find! I've read other blog posts about thrift stores, and every single blogger wrote about this particular one being difficult to find. It's easy; it just took long because Siying and I were misled. You just have to exit by the exit on the left when you tap out at Aljunied [can't remember if it's Exit A or B], and then walk that long lane til you get to the road. Turn right and there's a cross junction, cross twice and then walk til you find the sign for Lorong 23. [pretty hidden] Don't go down the alley of shophouses; go opposite, you'll see a building called "Highpoint Community Services". Walk into the gates and go straight and you'll find "Hi-thrift". Hope this helps, hehe.
So this was where I found my stuff. The first thing I spotted was this robot printed collared top, only for three bucks! I immediately put it into the basket the uncle had given me. Browsed through the racks of course; for thrift stores, you really have to be patient. You have to scour through literally each piece on the racks if you really want to find something you like.
Oh, Siying and I reached out for the robot top at the same time! And she was also the one who found the next piece to my liking; this white sheer batwing top. Similar to the one I had tried on at her place a long time ago, the one which she had given her sister, except that was black. Well, white will be white, so I put it into my basket as well. Score!
I couldn't find any books I wanted [which is a fucking RARITY!!!!!! But maybe because this man was blocking me and hogging the entire bookshelf and I just didn't want to bother], but a fact you should know, all books are going at $1. Heheheheh. There were also many cute skirts I wanted!!! But after consideration I didn't add them to my basket. I just couldn't. No. )':
And that was that. The end of our thrift-shopping adventure. I still have deep regrets for mistaking New2U's closing time as 6pm!!! I still regret not meeting Siying earlier so we could make it to Waterloo today!! UGH!!! Oh well. I still had an awesome time with her looking for and through the stores. We also managed to chat for a while at Ananas about the little things in our lives.
I'll go thrift hunting again soon, and I might want to write my own post about this. That's when I get my pay hehe. Monday's my last day of work! I'm gonna miss Kat. She's one of those few people who can laugh and make lame jokes all day no matter how tired she is from working.
There's also no school and work on Tuesday since it's a public holiday. Yay! But also nay, because all the thrift stores are gonna be closed, and New2U has these daily promotions, and it happens to be "half-price for all students" every Tuesday. What a pity. But I'll definitely find a way alright!
My next aim is also Praisehaven, a Salvation Army outlet at Bukit Timah. That's damn near my school, and I've also seen it when I was on a bus to Woodlands. So yea!
Talk to you soon. My apologies for posting zero pictures; if you're new to my blog, I've made a pact never to post photos here because I'm deadset on having my words read, that's all. You can follow me on Instagram @ _109th though, if you already haven't (; Goodnight.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Lost.
I honestly don't think I deserve a spot in life anymore. What does my existence bring? Show too much and you'll be pushed away. Show too little and you'll be ignored. What does everyone want from me?
I was arrogant. I changed when I met you. You changed me. It's tough for me to even open up to someone. You don't appreciate that I talk to you and not other people? It's so difficult to spill my thoughts to someone. And when I managed to do so with you, you push me away.
Aunty and granny don't seem to love me anymore either. The only thing at home I look forward to is my cat best friend.
Nevermind. I have so much to say to you right now but I know you won't hear me out. You called me over attached when you're the one person in the world I talk to about my every thought. Why did you say that??? It hurts. My throat swells when I think about it, like how it hurts when you're holding in your tears.
I have so much more to write right now but I won't. There's no point. If you don't have time to hear out what I have to say, what makes me think that you'll read my thoughts?
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Tuesday, October 08, 2013
I'm going to be a writer.
I don't envy those girls who are popular on Twitter or Instagram for being pretty. In fact, I dare say I pity them. What are you known for right now? Looks?
What if one day you discover your true talent so you decide to show off to the world, and everyone claps for you but only because they're blinded by the fact that you're pretty. Are they really applauding what you showed for them to applaud to?
It's pretty much like how rich girls have no idea who their true friends are, and who are only sticking with them for the treats.
I'm glad I'm not a "popular" person. I really am. Okay, it's different if people know you by your talent first; if people find me to be actually pretty after reading all I write, fine. It's way better than people reading my blog just because they find me pretty.
I really don't understand today's society, especially in my country. I wish I can change it. People are getting famous because of their tweets? Their selfies? Their sense of fashion? Their attempts at seeking attention? It's all messed up. Where are the teenagers who have got real talent?
Overshadowed by these idiots. Sigh.
I'm gonna keep writing. I've toyed with the idea of posting pictures here, but I've decided to just toss that. It's perfectly fine. I'm still not sure how my blog is gonna get famous in Singapore if it ever will, but I'm gonna keep trying. Doing my best.
This aside, I've discovered a thrift shop a few blocks away. I'm just gonna take a peek and see what I can find. "Since when are you into fashion?", the prince had asked. Truth be told, ever since I was half my current age.
I've also been wanting to make videos again. There're just too many songs to make music videos to! I'll see if I have the resources for that, but until then, I'll keep writing. Writing will always be my priority, my first love. This is what I truly want to be known for, above all else.
What if one day you discover your true talent so you decide to show off to the world, and everyone claps for you but only because they're blinded by the fact that you're pretty. Are they really applauding what you showed for them to applaud to?
It's pretty much like how rich girls have no idea who their true friends are, and who are only sticking with them for the treats.
I'm glad I'm not a "popular" person. I really am. Okay, it's different if people know you by your talent first; if people find me to be actually pretty after reading all I write, fine. It's way better than people reading my blog just because they find me pretty.
I really don't understand today's society, especially in my country. I wish I can change it. People are getting famous because of their tweets? Their selfies? Their sense of fashion? Their attempts at seeking attention? It's all messed up. Where are the teenagers who have got real talent?
Overshadowed by these idiots. Sigh.
I'm gonna keep writing. I've toyed with the idea of posting pictures here, but I've decided to just toss that. It's perfectly fine. I'm still not sure how my blog is gonna get famous in Singapore if it ever will, but I'm gonna keep trying. Doing my best.
This aside, I've discovered a thrift shop a few blocks away. I'm just gonna take a peek and see what I can find. "Since when are you into fashion?", the prince had asked. Truth be told, ever since I was half my current age.
I've also been wanting to make videos again. There're just too many songs to make music videos to! I'll see if I have the resources for that, but until then, I'll keep writing. Writing will always be my priority, my first love. This is what I truly want to be known for, above all else.
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Sunday, October 06, 2013
The wife with a million moodswings.
Hi. My apologies because I rarely do this, but I'm gonna start ranting about the same issue as my previous post. Because apparently there is a part 2 to this annoying story.
Okay, so in the end, I decided to meet the Carousellers on my own. After I wrote yesterday's post, I really felt so much better. So I told the prince, Hey it's fine, I can meet them alone today, no worries. He told me to take care of myself but I was still a bit flamed so I said to him, "No please don't talk to me." and he went last seen on me three minutes after that text. So I presumed he was taking my condition for real.
Very well then. So, I gave him what he wanted didn't I? He wanted to stay home, I let him. Shouldn't he be happy? The entire day yesterday, I was out and about around Serangoon, Bishan, and Woodlands. The whole time, I didn't get any texts from him. So I was like, "Wow he's really taking me seriously." or maybe he was just taking his rest. Or maybe he just wasn't bothered to worry about my whereabouts.
So my phone's battery died, and knowing that he wouldn't text me anyway, I just let it die. By the time I got home I was so tired that I showered and fell asleep, up to this morning when I woke up like an hour ago. What texts did I receive from him overnight? Oh, if you're not gonna reply me I think you might as well not reply me forever blablabla maybe we should just take a break blablabla. Ehrm... Okay...?
So I told him what happened, like, Hey my battery died and I'm charging it now. He was like, Oh, so I asked him "Aren't you gonna ask how my day went yesterday?" cause that's what he always does. His response?: "Pointless."
I'm like, Whaaaaaaat? What's the problem with him now? Didn't I let him do what he want? Didn't I let him stay home and get his rest? What's he so unhappy about right now? And here I am trying to be nice but he's there like answering one words, like fuuuuck. What the hell do you want??? What are you so riled up about right now??? Boyfriends can be absolute bitches sometimes I swear.
Yes, I too am still upset about the fact that I spent my Saturday alone when it should have been with him. But I'm trying to let it go. And you know that I'm the one who should be upset right now because of yesterday, but here I am having to comfort you. That's the problem with you. You twist the whole scenario around and I'm always the one having to cheer you up when I'm the one who was initially upset.
And dude, I fucking asked what's wrong with you now. The least you could do is tell me instead of just giving me shit responses? And now you're telling me to shut up. Oh, "I hate you" you say. Woooooow. I really don't understand you. I really don't. But freaking stop it. Just, stop.
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Saturday, October 05, 2013
A perfect chance to explore. Until you ruined it.
Okay you do know that I like exploring the country. You do know I love going on trains to different stations, especially on the North South Line, for some reason. Well this was actually inspired by the prince. If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't have dared to go so far off from the East West Line.
Because he lives in Johore, it always takes quite a while for him to reach home, even if he was already from Woodlands. That's why I didn't mind us hanging out at his turf; it was usually Jurong East, or Woodlands, because he has buses home from these places. We rarely hung out in the East, and we've never explored the North East line before due to his home location. I didn't mind.
Last two weeks though, he actually mentioned "exploring". How rare it was for him to say that! What's more, he had an appointment somewhere on the Circle Line, far from his usual turfs. It was a great chance to go somewhere we've never been before.
Well, until he changed his mind two seconds later. He said he was afraid of time. That's fine that really was. Okay so I got a little pissed but in the end I decided that it was fine. Yup, there are other times when we could have a whole day to ourselves.
Today happened to be that day. I had no work, and he had no school. We made plans to go cycling at Pasir Ris Park in the morning. He was the one who suggested this by the way!!!! You have no idea how happy I was!!! And i kept thinking of how it'd be like if I bump into anyone from my secondary school so they could see how handsome the prince was. And really, we've never been cycling together before. I've had the thought since February but he never had time to go all the way to Pasir Ris.
I also bought two pairs of shoes online and one dealer was from Woodlands, one from the North East Line area. Omg!!!!!! A great opportunity to drag the prince exploring!!!!! There are direct buses there from Pasir Ris, and Serangoon was two stations away from Bishan [a Red Line station] on the Circle Line. What's more, I was meeting the NE person at 3, and the Woodlands person at 6. We had the time to explore, before heading back to his turf where he could easily go home from there. A perfect arrangement!
Alas, last night he called and said he'd just been to the gym. He said that if he has cramps the next morning, which is today, he couldn't go out with me. My heart shattered. It really did. I almost felt like crying.
Then I got angry. Why did you go to the gym knowing we were going out today then? Or why did you make me look forward to today knowing you were going to the gym and that you might have pains blablabla?
I'm so upset. And it's not like I can just change the plans to meet the Carousellers next week instead right? It's not that simple. I also had difficulties looking for a day where both she and I were free so we could meet. And it's not just one girl, it's two. Two different appointments, two different spots in the MRT map, in one day. It would be nicer if the prince is with me.
I'm trying hard not to tear right now. I'm angry, but I'm also sad. I'm more sad than angry. Must he really keep cheating my feelings like this? Suggesting dates I've been looking forward to, only to back out or change minds, or say that his body is aching because he went to the gym the day before? I honestly think that's a crap excuse.
I really don't feel like talking to him right now. I'd usually write this post in the form of 'you' instead of 'him'. I'm just trying to show how upset I am right now. And disappointed. I just get this feeling that there will never be another day where we could explore somewhere other than the Red Line.
If it isn't for Carousellers, he wouldn't see any reason to go on the North East line. That's why, today was such a perfect arrangement. Until he had to ruin it.
I hope he has a good rest then. But please, don't talk to me.
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Wednesday, October 02, 2013
The girl, the boy, and the airport.
The airport will always be my second home. I'm not sure why, really. There are many stories about my relationship with the airport, but that's not the main topic for now.
I went there two days ago, after a long time. I don't remember the last time I paid a visit. Somewhere in early Syawal I think? I used to go there so frequently in my solitude days.
Since I came from the Tampines-Pasir Ris district, I take bus 53, and upon reaching the security point, I'm not sure which terminal to alight at. I always had this problem. In the end I settle for the first stop; Terminal 3.
Cross the road behind you when you alight, go through the doors and turn right; go on walking until you see Dunkin Donuts. That's where, nine months ago, 'Aamir and I first met.
About 4 hours ago, 'Aamir had texted that he was on the plane and about to take off; having been to Bali before, I know he would be arriving around 7. I'm not even sure if his plane will arrive at T3 though; I just wander around, and go up the lift to the Arrival Hall.
I sit down at a bench in front of TCC, and, although unsure if he would even arrive anytime soon, I wait.
I start having doubts. What if he arrives at 10? Or, what if there's someone else here fetching him? Why did I even come here before considering these questions?, I ask myself.
It wasn't long before I received a call from 'Aamir though! He has landed! He's still on the plane but I'm already bubbling with joy! I ask him what's his flight; what a pleasant surprise that I am just sitting outside his flight's corresponding belt!
I start to fix my hair, and try to find a sitting position both comfortable and not an eyesore. My heart is beating so quickly, just like back on the day we first met. I try not to look too excited, but I can't help stealing glances at belt 41 just to see if the prince is there.
Here he comes. Clad in a maroon hoodie, pushing a trolley with just one suitcase; I think I see him skip like a little boy as he looks at me, but only for a second. But I saw that! Oh how adorable can he get!
His usual "Hey," and we stare at each other, a grin spread across my face. We pull into a hug. The warmth of his arms is a shock compared to the strong air-conditioning at the airport. Bliss.
He tells me how sad he is because all his friends' parents were there, while his weren't. I have found the answer to my question; the reason why I came without thinking twice was because, whatever the circumstances were, I didn't want him to be greeted by emptiness.
Deep down inside I probably knew his parents weren't gonna be there. If I were to return from a week-long school trip only to be greeted by everyone's parents except mine, no doubt I'd let a few tears down my face no matter how hard I try to control it. If I had an other half, I would want that person to be there since my parents can't make it.
You say I don't think about your feelings don't you, prince? I agree. But for that one day, I think I've managed to put myself in your shoes for a second.
You did look happy. And that's just enough to make me happy. I'm sorry we had to part at Paya Lebar because I couldn't go on with you on the North South trip. But I hope I manage to make you happy with my gesture of waiting for you at the airport. Just like back on day 1. ^^
Ever heard the story of the boy and the girl, who were separated for less than a week but felt like it's been years? The story where the boy and the girl blocked the lobby door with his suitcase for privacy so they could hug all they want?
The story where the boy held her firm by the sides of her head and the girl held him firm by the sides of his face, so they could kiss each other's faces off, not caring about anything else as long as they were mouth-to-mouth?
The story where the airport staff barged in suddenly and the boy and the girl tried to act like nothing happened but it was too late, and they could only look at each other and giggle?
And have you heard about the other story where the girl had studied at the airport for too long til she realised that she was past her curfew, and checked her phone to see plenty of vulgar texts from her mother? The story where she rushed back to her house an hour after her curfew, only to realise that her mother had locked her out for the night?
These two stories are a year apart, and I bet you that the presence of the boy is what makes all the difference. Outsiders judge, but they don't know that the boy has so many siblings that sometimes there isn't any of his parents' love left for him, and that the girl hasn't been talking to her parents for over a year now. The boy and the girl love each other like their own family, and that's why they need to rejoice their reunion everytime they've spent too long apart. Because they have lived too many years without someone like each other. And they have had enough.
I went there two days ago, after a long time. I don't remember the last time I paid a visit. Somewhere in early Syawal I think? I used to go there so frequently in my solitude days.
Since I came from the Tampines-Pasir Ris district, I take bus 53, and upon reaching the security point, I'm not sure which terminal to alight at. I always had this problem. In the end I settle for the first stop; Terminal 3.
Cross the road behind you when you alight, go through the doors and turn right; go on walking until you see Dunkin Donuts. That's where, nine months ago, 'Aamir and I first met.
About 4 hours ago, 'Aamir had texted that he was on the plane and about to take off; having been to Bali before, I know he would be arriving around 7. I'm not even sure if his plane will arrive at T3 though; I just wander around, and go up the lift to the Arrival Hall.
I sit down at a bench in front of TCC, and, although unsure if he would even arrive anytime soon, I wait.
I start having doubts. What if he arrives at 10? Or, what if there's someone else here fetching him? Why did I even come here before considering these questions?, I ask myself.
It wasn't long before I received a call from 'Aamir though! He has landed! He's still on the plane but I'm already bubbling with joy! I ask him what's his flight; what a pleasant surprise that I am just sitting outside his flight's corresponding belt!
I start to fix my hair, and try to find a sitting position both comfortable and not an eyesore. My heart is beating so quickly, just like back on the day we first met. I try not to look too excited, but I can't help stealing glances at belt 41 just to see if the prince is there.
Here he comes. Clad in a maroon hoodie, pushing a trolley with just one suitcase; I think I see him skip like a little boy as he looks at me, but only for a second. But I saw that! Oh how adorable can he get!
His usual "Hey," and we stare at each other, a grin spread across my face. We pull into a hug. The warmth of his arms is a shock compared to the strong air-conditioning at the airport. Bliss.
He tells me how sad he is because all his friends' parents were there, while his weren't. I have found the answer to my question; the reason why I came without thinking twice was because, whatever the circumstances were, I didn't want him to be greeted by emptiness.
Deep down inside I probably knew his parents weren't gonna be there. If I were to return from a week-long school trip only to be greeted by everyone's parents except mine, no doubt I'd let a few tears down my face no matter how hard I try to control it. If I had an other half, I would want that person to be there since my parents can't make it.
You say I don't think about your feelings don't you, prince? I agree. But for that one day, I think I've managed to put myself in your shoes for a second.
You did look happy. And that's just enough to make me happy. I'm sorry we had to part at Paya Lebar because I couldn't go on with you on the North South trip. But I hope I manage to make you happy with my gesture of waiting for you at the airport. Just like back on day 1. ^^
____
Ever heard the story of the boy and the girl, who were separated for less than a week but felt like it's been years? The story where the boy and the girl blocked the lobby door with his suitcase for privacy so they could hug all they want?
The story where the boy held her firm by the sides of her head and the girl held him firm by the sides of his face, so they could kiss each other's faces off, not caring about anything else as long as they were mouth-to-mouth?
The story where the airport staff barged in suddenly and the boy and the girl tried to act like nothing happened but it was too late, and they could only look at each other and giggle?
And have you heard about the other story where the girl had studied at the airport for too long til she realised that she was past her curfew, and checked her phone to see plenty of vulgar texts from her mother? The story where she rushed back to her house an hour after her curfew, only to realise that her mother had locked her out for the night?
These two stories are a year apart, and I bet you that the presence of the boy is what makes all the difference. Outsiders judge, but they don't know that the boy has so many siblings that sometimes there isn't any of his parents' love left for him, and that the girl hasn't been talking to her parents for over a year now. The boy and the girl love each other like their own family, and that's why they need to rejoice their reunion everytime they've spent too long apart. Because they have lived too many years without someone like each other. And they have had enough.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Happy birthday, faggot.
Remember when I said that I'm glad to have met 'Aamir, one of the reasons being because my relationship with him brought me other amazing friendships?
There was Merlissa, there was Naqib, there was Yazid; in fact mostly from his current tertiary class. I've never really felt good about his secondary school classmates, because 1. they're all probably judging me, idk 2. his ex is from this group of friends.
But there's one person from his secondary school life that I've always been fond of. Yes, it's none other than Luke. My hypocrite.
So I'm sure you've heard about what happened between him, 'Aamir, and I. It was my friendship with Luke that broke my relationship with 'Aamir for a while back early this month. Afterwards, 'Aamir kept accusing me of having feelings for his best friend. I got tired of denying it so eventually he stopped accusing me of it too, which is a relief. Everything is fine right now.
I've stayed away from Luke though. Honestly, he was a great person to talk to. This I can't deny. This I've told 'Aamir, because it's the truth. Although no, I don't have feelings for him like how I like 'Aamir. In fact right now, I hate him. He was the first to wish me happy birthday, and I fucking hate that. That's why I was so angry. And also, because he is a faggot. A hypocritical faggot.
Just last week I think, I was looking through 'Aamir's phone when I saw his conversation with Luke. It wasn't like this exactly, but it went somewhere along the lines of "At least now I'm free and I don't have to waste my time entertaining that girl." You have no idea how much this one line hurts me. Let me now tell you why.
The first time he and I talked was in February, but that one was insignificant. I was asking him about what 'Aamir likes, shit like that. And then in April, two days before my first day of tertiary, I talked to him again. We talked about 'Aamir, yup. And then we started talking about humans.
Luke has this passion for Science. Never have I met someone who loves Science so much, but yup, if you haven't either, there's Luke. He's always talking to me about the human mind or the human body, or about religion. Anything he so deemed. I always listened, and I guess he got more and more open with me. He said, "I like talking to you. Because you don't judge me when I talk to you about what I like."
I liked to talk to him too. I talked to him when I had problems with 'Aamir. I guess the fact that we didn't judge each other just fed our friendship, and that was how we grew so close. At least, I think we did. Sigh.
I was also guilty about the fact that I had stolen his one best friend from him. 'Aamir once told me that Luke and he were the last boys in their class who hadn't had their first kiss. And when Luke told me about how 'Aamir was the last person he thought would leave him like the rest of their friends did, he was so sad, and lonely. That's why I've always thought the three of us should be a happy family because why not? We got along fine. And I didn't want Luke to be left alone like that just because 'Aamir is with me.
When they had their bitchfight I did all I could to patch them up together, although secretly I was happy because that means I had more time with 'Aamir. But I didn't like Luke being alone. I tried to get them to eat pizza with me, by asking them out individually but I guess it failed. Luke found out 'Aamir was there, or something like that? Whatever.
And then Luke was always telling me how he was so lonely. He has no girlfriend, and there weren't any girls in his classes. I felt bad for him about that too. And then he said he prefers Chinese girls, and then he saw Siying's picture, and then he said she was cute. So, I asked her if she would wanna go on a double date with him. She said sure and I was already excited.
Until I saw what he said to 'Aamir. How sad that makes me. I thought our friendship was real and that he really liked talking to me. He said he was lonely, and because I know what it's like to be, I just wanted to be there for him. Because I can't help feeling that I was the cause of his loneliness. Duh.
I'm a mix of anger and disappointment. I'm angry because he is a bitch, and an asshole, and a hypocrite, and a motherfucking faggot!
I'm disappointed because I really did care for him and I thought he did for me too. Guess I was wrong. Happy 17th birthday, faggot. I fucking hate you. I really do, and I hope you die a virgin.
There was Merlissa, there was Naqib, there was Yazid; in fact mostly from his current tertiary class. I've never really felt good about his secondary school classmates, because 1. they're all probably judging me, idk 2. his ex is from this group of friends.
But there's one person from his secondary school life that I've always been fond of. Yes, it's none other than Luke. My hypocrite.
So I'm sure you've heard about what happened between him, 'Aamir, and I. It was my friendship with Luke that broke my relationship with 'Aamir for a while back early this month. Afterwards, 'Aamir kept accusing me of having feelings for his best friend. I got tired of denying it so eventually he stopped accusing me of it too, which is a relief. Everything is fine right now.
I've stayed away from Luke though. Honestly, he was a great person to talk to. This I can't deny. This I've told 'Aamir, because it's the truth. Although no, I don't have feelings for him like how I like 'Aamir. In fact right now, I hate him. He was the first to wish me happy birthday, and I fucking hate that. That's why I was so angry. And also, because he is a faggot. A hypocritical faggot.
Just last week I think, I was looking through 'Aamir's phone when I saw his conversation with Luke. It wasn't like this exactly, but it went somewhere along the lines of "At least now I'm free and I don't have to waste my time entertaining that girl." You have no idea how much this one line hurts me. Let me now tell you why.
The first time he and I talked was in February, but that one was insignificant. I was asking him about what 'Aamir likes, shit like that. And then in April, two days before my first day of tertiary, I talked to him again. We talked about 'Aamir, yup. And then we started talking about humans.
Luke has this passion for Science. Never have I met someone who loves Science so much, but yup, if you haven't either, there's Luke. He's always talking to me about the human mind or the human body, or about religion. Anything he so deemed. I always listened, and I guess he got more and more open with me. He said, "I like talking to you. Because you don't judge me when I talk to you about what I like."
I liked to talk to him too. I talked to him when I had problems with 'Aamir. I guess the fact that we didn't judge each other just fed our friendship, and that was how we grew so close. At least, I think we did. Sigh.
I was also guilty about the fact that I had stolen his one best friend from him. 'Aamir once told me that Luke and he were the last boys in their class who hadn't had their first kiss. And when Luke told me about how 'Aamir was the last person he thought would leave him like the rest of their friends did, he was so sad, and lonely. That's why I've always thought the three of us should be a happy family because why not? We got along fine. And I didn't want Luke to be left alone like that just because 'Aamir is with me.
When they had their bitchfight I did all I could to patch them up together, although secretly I was happy because that means I had more time with 'Aamir. But I didn't like Luke being alone. I tried to get them to eat pizza with me, by asking them out individually but I guess it failed. Luke found out 'Aamir was there, or something like that? Whatever.
And then Luke was always telling me how he was so lonely. He has no girlfriend, and there weren't any girls in his classes. I felt bad for him about that too. And then he said he prefers Chinese girls, and then he saw Siying's picture, and then he said she was cute. So, I asked her if she would wanna go on a double date with him. She said sure and I was already excited.
Until I saw what he said to 'Aamir. How sad that makes me. I thought our friendship was real and that he really liked talking to me. He said he was lonely, and because I know what it's like to be, I just wanted to be there for him. Because I can't help feeling that I was the cause of his loneliness. Duh.
I'm a mix of anger and disappointment. I'm angry because he is a bitch, and an asshole, and a hypocrite, and a motherfucking faggot!
I'm disappointed because I really did care for him and I thought he did for me too. Guess I was wrong. Happy 17th birthday, faggot. I fucking hate you. I really do, and I hope you die a virgin.
Of men and women.
My cousin lent me this book some time ago; it's called "Princess: The True Story of Life Inside Saudi Arabia's Royal Family", and it's based on a true story. In fact, a note from the author and a letter from the protagonist states that it is a true story. This princess, which can only be named 'Sultana' for fear of being hunted down by certain authorities, befriended the author and told her to write about her story.
This book basically tells about how women are treated in Saudi Arabia, be it common or royal people. The book started with Sultana getting scolded by her mother because she had prayed to her brother instead of to God; it made Sultana wonder her whole life: "If my brother isn't a God, why is he treated like one?"
Sultana's family consists of nine elder sisters and one elder brother, two years older than her. Because he was the only son, he was treated like king by their father. He was spoilt rotten by their father even from a young age; when Sultana was given an apple, her brother demanded to have it. She, being a feisty kid with a mind of her own, put up a fight for her apple; but when their father came and asked what was the ruckus, he demanded that she gave her brother the apple.
In Saudi Arabia, men were considered "higher" than women; in other words, women were treated like slaves. Especially by men. The Qur'an did state that women were secondary to men; but the government liked to twist the words of the holy book, and they just decided that Oh, women are slaves for men.
It's a norm for women to be abused, physically or verbally or sexually especially, by their fathers, brothers, uncles, husbands, etc. A daughter would not be favoured, especially not by her father. If a girl received her first blood, she would automatically be deemed as a woman: she must be veiled by a dark abaaya, and she must hastily be wed off. Most of the time she is forced to marry old men double or triple their age, usually as the third or fourth wife.
The woman has no say in this by the way. Her father decides who she marries, and most of the time it's because of business connections, past or future.
It's so unfair to women; if the woman is found to not be a virgin on her wedding bed, she would immediately be sent back to her father and be punished appropriately. It's normal for her to be punished cruelly, even by death. The woman must be a virgin on her wedding night although it was okay for men to have sex with different women so many times prior to their wedding!
In terms of crime, if a man were to kill his wife, he would not be so quickly put to punishment. He would give a reason for doing what he did, and even though it was not valid, or was a lie to cover up his true guilt [for example saying that his wife had cheated on him although she had gotten raped by another man because her husband didn't take care of her safety properly], the men would applaud him for putting someone so shameless to death.
In another case, when Sultana was in hospital delivering her first baby, she had seen this other girl as young as her walking with chains tied to her legs and with bodyguards all around her. She learnt that this girl was to put to death because of adultery. Her name is Amal.
This was what happened: Amal's parents had gone to the Emirates for some business thing I think? Or some family thing. All that's left in their house were three servants, a driver, and her seventeen-year-old brother. The servants were sleeping and the driver was in his room. Her brother had taken the chance to entertain some of his friends; the music was blasting and because their party was beneath her bedroom, Amal was getting pretty irritated.
She came down, only in her thin nightgown, and knocked on the door, wanting to tell her brother to lower the music or something. She poked her head inside but she could not see her brother so she went inside to look for him. She immediately got pounced on by her brother's friends, and they all took turns to rape her. She passed out by the third boy.
Of course, this was not what the public believed. Her rapists had claimed that she was the one who came and seduced them, asking them for sex and shit. Just because the men had said it, it was immediately deemed to be the true side of the story. Since drugs and alcohol were involved in the party, Amal's brother was too afraid of the consequences of abusing these and he didn't step up to clear his sister's name.
Her father too, believed his son and asked for his daughter to be punished by death.
Well, reading the book made me so fortunate to be where I am, and to have who I have. 'Aamir had mentioned that a wife's responsibility is towards her husband once they are married, even though the husband's responsibility remains towards his mother.
I thought it was cool that one day I would have full responsibility for 'Aamir [hehe] , but after reading this book, hmm, not so cool after all. And the fact that Islam allows the man to have four wives; the prince may love me a lot right now but who knows if I don't wanna give birth and he wants children so he decides to marry another T.T I can't bear the thought of that!
Oh I've talked to him about this I think. Not to worry I guess, though, anything can happen. Why am I even talking about this? We're still young. Let's just have cheap meals at Burger King and laugh about silly things and judge other teenagers first. Because that's what our teenage years are for.
'Aamir wouldn't be abusive by the way. He's a gentle guy who doesn't smoke or drink, and who prays five times a day, so I'm really fortunate to have him instead of some matrep. Imagine if my boyfriend was a matrep. I don't mean to stereotype, but we'd probably be smoking a lot together and drinking and shit. Seems kind of cool but not when I have 'Aamir. Guys, I really am fortunate to have someone like him.
The only times 'Aamir has ever laid a finger on me was when he's holding my hand, or hugging me, or wrapping his arms around my waist when we kiss, or all the other joking couply things, like pinching or pushing me til I knock into a tree [and he would laugh after that], or squeezing my face and laughing at how stupid I'm looking. Yup. The list goes on. He's annoying that way, but he's not abusive.
The one time he hit me, though, was when he slapped me, hard across the cheek. My face flung to the side and I started bawling like a baby and wailing like a banshee. It was out of shock I suppose. I remember how my voice echoed. Of course, he immediately pulled me back into a hug and said "I'm sorry", with sincerity and guilt and love. Idk, I forgave him straightway but I wouldn't stop crying when I thought of the impact.
I'm not gonna tell you how it started, but I'd tell you that his slap was a retaliation. I had slapped him first, because I was so angry at him! I won't tell you why I was angry at him. Yup, this was back in April or May I think? That's also the last time I've ever been hit physically by anyone at all.
Yup. You don't know how lucky you are as a woman in Singapore. None of us do. Girls here be fooling around and kissing and cuddling when they're thirteen. Girls in other countries getting married at thirteen. You wanna have sex at thirteen? Why don't you marry a geezer while you're at it, yeah?
This book basically tells about how women are treated in Saudi Arabia, be it common or royal people. The book started with Sultana getting scolded by her mother because she had prayed to her brother instead of to God; it made Sultana wonder her whole life: "If my brother isn't a God, why is he treated like one?"
Sultana's family consists of nine elder sisters and one elder brother, two years older than her. Because he was the only son, he was treated like king by their father. He was spoilt rotten by their father even from a young age; when Sultana was given an apple, her brother demanded to have it. She, being a feisty kid with a mind of her own, put up a fight for her apple; but when their father came and asked what was the ruckus, he demanded that she gave her brother the apple.
In Saudi Arabia, men were considered "higher" than women; in other words, women were treated like slaves. Especially by men. The Qur'an did state that women were secondary to men; but the government liked to twist the words of the holy book, and they just decided that Oh, women are slaves for men.
It's a norm for women to be abused, physically or verbally or sexually especially, by their fathers, brothers, uncles, husbands, etc. A daughter would not be favoured, especially not by her father. If a girl received her first blood, she would automatically be deemed as a woman: she must be veiled by a dark abaaya, and she must hastily be wed off. Most of the time she is forced to marry old men double or triple their age, usually as the third or fourth wife.
The woman has no say in this by the way. Her father decides who she marries, and most of the time it's because of business connections, past or future.
It's so unfair to women; if the woman is found to not be a virgin on her wedding bed, she would immediately be sent back to her father and be punished appropriately. It's normal for her to be punished cruelly, even by death. The woman must be a virgin on her wedding night although it was okay for men to have sex with different women so many times prior to their wedding!
In terms of crime, if a man were to kill his wife, he would not be so quickly put to punishment. He would give a reason for doing what he did, and even though it was not valid, or was a lie to cover up his true guilt [for example saying that his wife had cheated on him although she had gotten raped by another man because her husband didn't take care of her safety properly], the men would applaud him for putting someone so shameless to death.
In another case, when Sultana was in hospital delivering her first baby, she had seen this other girl as young as her walking with chains tied to her legs and with bodyguards all around her. She learnt that this girl was to put to death because of adultery. Her name is Amal.
This was what happened: Amal's parents had gone to the Emirates for some business thing I think? Or some family thing. All that's left in their house were three servants, a driver, and her seventeen-year-old brother. The servants were sleeping and the driver was in his room. Her brother had taken the chance to entertain some of his friends; the music was blasting and because their party was beneath her bedroom, Amal was getting pretty irritated.
She came down, only in her thin nightgown, and knocked on the door, wanting to tell her brother to lower the music or something. She poked her head inside but she could not see her brother so she went inside to look for him. She immediately got pounced on by her brother's friends, and they all took turns to rape her. She passed out by the third boy.
Of course, this was not what the public believed. Her rapists had claimed that she was the one who came and seduced them, asking them for sex and shit. Just because the men had said it, it was immediately deemed to be the true side of the story. Since drugs and alcohol were involved in the party, Amal's brother was too afraid of the consequences of abusing these and he didn't step up to clear his sister's name.
Her father too, believed his son and asked for his daughter to be punished by death.
Well, reading the book made me so fortunate to be where I am, and to have who I have. 'Aamir had mentioned that a wife's responsibility is towards her husband once they are married, even though the husband's responsibility remains towards his mother.
I thought it was cool that one day I would have full responsibility for 'Aamir [hehe] , but after reading this book, hmm, not so cool after all. And the fact that Islam allows the man to have four wives; the prince may love me a lot right now but who knows if I don't wanna give birth and he wants children so he decides to marry another T.T I can't bear the thought of that!
Oh I've talked to him about this I think. Not to worry I guess, though, anything can happen. Why am I even talking about this? We're still young. Let's just have cheap meals at Burger King and laugh about silly things and judge other teenagers first. Because that's what our teenage years are for.
'Aamir wouldn't be abusive by the way. He's a gentle guy who doesn't smoke or drink, and who prays five times a day, so I'm really fortunate to have him instead of some matrep. Imagine if my boyfriend was a matrep. I don't mean to stereotype, but we'd probably be smoking a lot together and drinking and shit. Seems kind of cool but not when I have 'Aamir. Guys, I really am fortunate to have someone like him.
The only times 'Aamir has ever laid a finger on me was when he's holding my hand, or hugging me, or wrapping his arms around my waist when we kiss, or all the other joking couply things, like pinching or pushing me til I knock into a tree [and he would laugh after that], or squeezing my face and laughing at how stupid I'm looking. Yup. The list goes on. He's annoying that way, but he's not abusive.
The one time he hit me, though, was when he slapped me, hard across the cheek. My face flung to the side and I started bawling like a baby and wailing like a banshee. It was out of shock I suppose. I remember how my voice echoed. Of course, he immediately pulled me back into a hug and said "I'm sorry", with sincerity and guilt and love. Idk, I forgave him straightway but I wouldn't stop crying when I thought of the impact.
I'm not gonna tell you how it started, but I'd tell you that his slap was a retaliation. I had slapped him first, because I was so angry at him! I won't tell you why I was angry at him. Yup, this was back in April or May I think? That's also the last time I've ever been hit physically by anyone at all.
Yup. You don't know how lucky you are as a woman in Singapore. None of us do. Girls here be fooling around and kissing and cuddling when they're thirteen. Girls in other countries getting married at thirteen. You wanna have sex at thirteen? Why don't you marry a geezer while you're at it, yeah?
Saturday, September 28, 2013
What will your boyfriend think? RPG
Hey guys.
I had first day at work on Thursday. I had difficulties deciding what to wear because Shushan mentioned "formal/casual/idk" and her senior who talked to me on the phone mentioned "dress". Yup. I was fucked.
But I'm bold, so I just threw on my usual tshirt and cardigan, at least with black skinnies that are not too casual. I think? [idk what's the difference between casual and formal] And I was late. Hey don't look at me like that! It's my first time going to Giant from my current home okay?
I thought I was doing retail, but actually it's all paperwork!!! Don't get me wrong; the exclamation marks are out of excitement!!! I've never done an office job before. And thus far my tasks have been simple; just photocopying and filing and stapling, you know.
And the big empty desk that I have all to myself... Oh how I wish I could bring along all my books and stationery from home and customise this empty desk to my liking!!! How I miss having my own desk.
I've spent afterwork hours with Shushan for the last two days. I've always loved hotdogs, and I can't get enough of Ikea's. Damn. We tried on heels at Payless, and how I love the wedges with the laces and the collar shit! I want them! ...They're 49.90. *sniff* They really suit me though!
Well anyway, it's been 4 days since 'Aamir left for Bali. He's only been texting me at night, how saddening. It feels like he won't be coming here on this blog [although he has wifi in his hotel room] and I don't think he comes here unless I told him I blogged, so I'm gonna rant a bit right now. I hope the girls read this before he does.
Do me a favour and imagine.
Alright. You have a crush on someone. You like to look at his face because it's so handsome and pleasant and shit. Apparently it's been more than four months; you see the tweet that goes "Studies have proven that a crush can last only up to four months. If it's longer than that, you're in love." You retweet it in a quote, and you add; "This is for you. I hope you see this" because you do think you are in love.
And then you meet someone else. He's not only handsome, but he's also amazing and interesting and just... Different. You have a crush on him too. Oh, you're the kind that have a few crushes and eyecandies at once. Because no harm, right?
But surprise surprise!!!! This crush has a crush on you too. You two get together. You're so happy everyday and you like him more and more everyday, and he opens up to you more and more too.
Are you really over that other crush? Once upon a time you drew his name onto a blackboard with chalk, in beautiful fonts, and the picture you took of it is still your Whatsapp background image. Your new boyfriend sees it and asks you who is that? You say, an old crush, and you immediately remove it.
What do you think your boyfriend will think? The fact that you are already with him, and yet your wallpaper is of some other guy. It may be just a name, but that name will be forever stuck in his head.
You talk to your new guy about this past crush, telling him how you treated him like a prince but he never once wanted you. And then, one day, this past crush of yours suddenly post a picture on Instagram; the picture of his name; the name which you drew. Again, you talk to your new boyfriend about it, and you can't help feeling excited. Why are you even excited??? Are your feelings for him really gone?
What do you think your boyfriend will think? The fact that the picture was from a long time ago, but your previous crush posted it now? Is he like trying to hint on something? It's never a nice feeling to know if your current girlfriend's ex crush is starting to notice her right? You'd think she could go back to him, or spark the flame for him, anytime.
You and your current boyfriend still get along though. Until your ex crush created a Twitter account... He never had one. And you immediately follow him and immediately tweeted to him; "Waaaaah got Twitter already sey!" Additional info: you seldom tweet about other things. You seldom tweet about what's happening, and you are rarely on Twitter.
What do you think your boyfriend will think? The fact that you seldom tweet... And you seldom tweet to your boyfriend as well, but you tweet to other guys? Won't he feel ashamed, because he is always tweeting about what a wonderful person you are, yet you never say the same about him on social websites. Won't he feel sad if people look at this couple and think, hey, the girl doesn't seem really that interested in her own boyfriend.... It's nothing to do with ego. He just doesn't want other guys to think they've got a chance with his girl.
Well, one day, your boyfriend happened to be using your phone, and he's in your Instagram account. He sees that other guy on your timeline, and he goes into his profile and unfollows him. No, he wouldn't want you to be liking other guys' pictures won't he? Especially one whom you always said was handsome and had good looks. And is your old crush.
And then, another one day, he happened to go into your following list on Instagram, and he saw that you were following this old crush again.
What do you fucking think your boyfriend will think? The fact that you realised you weren't following your crush, means you actually went into his profile, maybe because you fucking WANT to look at his photos again! And, this old crush's Instagram account is private; the fact that you wanted him to accept your request, shows how much you really want to!
And you know what? Your old crush is a fucking popular kid on Instagram, always getting tens of likes on his selfies or whatever, and has so little following, but you happen to be on the list of people that he followed. And he fucking likes your selfies too! What do you think your boyfriend will feel???? He will think your fucking ex crush is trying to hit on you now, and if you're not gonna step up and show the world that you are fucking attached and have no intention of breaking up, your ex crush and other fucking idiotic guys are gonna try to hit on you, dammit!
I hope you know where I am going. It's been nearly 9 months since 'Aamir and I got together. It's also been 9 months since I first saw that name. I first saw that fucking name on the day after we got together. I can never get it out of my head. Even about a month into our relationship, he still dared to tell me that he still had feelings for her, even if a little bit BLAHBLAHBULLSHIT.
I also can't help thinking that he probably thinks she is prettier than me. No, actually, I think he does think so. And her face looks kinda like Nora Danish. I get it now. No wonder Nora Danish is his fucking celebrity crush. Yeah, with all these little things, you can gather them into something big and make more sense out of the pieces.
And the reason why I wrote this in a different perspective is just to let you imagine if you were in my fucking place right now.
I don't know her, but I don't like her, and I don't like you looking or talking to her, or mentioning her name, or following her on any website. No. Just no.
Done ranting. Let's now put a smile on my face and welcome the prince with hearts and stars and open arms when he gets back. :-) I love you so much baby :-)
I had first day at work on Thursday. I had difficulties deciding what to wear because Shushan mentioned "formal/casual/idk" and her senior who talked to me on the phone mentioned "dress". Yup. I was fucked.
But I'm bold, so I just threw on my usual tshirt and cardigan, at least with black skinnies that are not too casual. I think? [idk what's the difference between casual and formal] And I was late. Hey don't look at me like that! It's my first time going to Giant from my current home okay?
I thought I was doing retail, but actually it's all paperwork!!! Don't get me wrong; the exclamation marks are out of excitement!!! I've never done an office job before. And thus far my tasks have been simple; just photocopying and filing and stapling, you know.
And the big empty desk that I have all to myself... Oh how I wish I could bring along all my books and stationery from home and customise this empty desk to my liking!!! How I miss having my own desk.
I've spent afterwork hours with Shushan for the last two days. I've always loved hotdogs, and I can't get enough of Ikea's. Damn. We tried on heels at Payless, and how I love the wedges with the laces and the collar shit! I want them! ...They're 49.90. *sniff* They really suit me though!
Well anyway, it's been 4 days since 'Aamir left for Bali. He's only been texting me at night, how saddening. It feels like he won't be coming here on this blog [although he has wifi in his hotel room] and I don't think he comes here unless I told him I blogged, so I'm gonna rant a bit right now. I hope the girls read this before he does.
Do me a favour and imagine.
Alright. You have a crush on someone. You like to look at his face because it's so handsome and pleasant and shit. Apparently it's been more than four months; you see the tweet that goes "Studies have proven that a crush can last only up to four months. If it's longer than that, you're in love." You retweet it in a quote, and you add; "This is for you. I hope you see this" because you do think you are in love.
And then you meet someone else. He's not only handsome, but he's also amazing and interesting and just... Different. You have a crush on him too. Oh, you're the kind that have a few crushes and eyecandies at once. Because no harm, right?
But surprise surprise!!!! This crush has a crush on you too. You two get together. You're so happy everyday and you like him more and more everyday, and he opens up to you more and more too.
Are you really over that other crush? Once upon a time you drew his name onto a blackboard with chalk, in beautiful fonts, and the picture you took of it is still your Whatsapp background image. Your new boyfriend sees it and asks you who is that? You say, an old crush, and you immediately remove it.
What do you think your boyfriend will think? The fact that you are already with him, and yet your wallpaper is of some other guy. It may be just a name, but that name will be forever stuck in his head.
You talk to your new guy about this past crush, telling him how you treated him like a prince but he never once wanted you. And then, one day, this past crush of yours suddenly post a picture on Instagram; the picture of his name; the name which you drew. Again, you talk to your new boyfriend about it, and you can't help feeling excited. Why are you even excited??? Are your feelings for him really gone?
What do you think your boyfriend will think? The fact that the picture was from a long time ago, but your previous crush posted it now? Is he like trying to hint on something? It's never a nice feeling to know if your current girlfriend's ex crush is starting to notice her right? You'd think she could go back to him, or spark the flame for him, anytime.
You and your current boyfriend still get along though. Until your ex crush created a Twitter account... He never had one. And you immediately follow him and immediately tweeted to him; "Waaaaah got Twitter already sey!" Additional info: you seldom tweet about other things. You seldom tweet about what's happening, and you are rarely on Twitter.
What do you think your boyfriend will think? The fact that you seldom tweet... And you seldom tweet to your boyfriend as well, but you tweet to other guys? Won't he feel ashamed, because he is always tweeting about what a wonderful person you are, yet you never say the same about him on social websites. Won't he feel sad if people look at this couple and think, hey, the girl doesn't seem really that interested in her own boyfriend.... It's nothing to do with ego. He just doesn't want other guys to think they've got a chance with his girl.
Well, one day, your boyfriend happened to be using your phone, and he's in your Instagram account. He sees that other guy on your timeline, and he goes into his profile and unfollows him. No, he wouldn't want you to be liking other guys' pictures won't he? Especially one whom you always said was handsome and had good looks. And is your old crush.
And then, another one day, he happened to go into your following list on Instagram, and he saw that you were following this old crush again.
What do you fucking think your boyfriend will think? The fact that you realised you weren't following your crush, means you actually went into his profile, maybe because you fucking WANT to look at his photos again! And, this old crush's Instagram account is private; the fact that you wanted him to accept your request, shows how much you really want to!
And you know what? Your old crush is a fucking popular kid on Instagram, always getting tens of likes on his selfies or whatever, and has so little following, but you happen to be on the list of people that he followed. And he fucking likes your selfies too! What do you think your boyfriend will feel???? He will think your fucking ex crush is trying to hit on you now, and if you're not gonna step up and show the world that you are fucking attached and have no intention of breaking up, your ex crush and other fucking idiotic guys are gonna try to hit on you, dammit!
I hope you know where I am going. It's been nearly 9 months since 'Aamir and I got together. It's also been 9 months since I first saw that name. I first saw that fucking name on the day after we got together. I can never get it out of my head. Even about a month into our relationship, he still dared to tell me that he still had feelings for her, even if a little bit BLAHBLAHBULLSHIT.
I also can't help thinking that he probably thinks she is prettier than me. No, actually, I think he does think so. And her face looks kinda like Nora Danish. I get it now. No wonder Nora Danish is his fucking celebrity crush. Yeah, with all these little things, you can gather them into something big and make more sense out of the pieces.
And the reason why I wrote this in a different perspective is just to let you imagine if you were in my fucking place right now.
I don't know her, but I don't like her, and I don't like you looking or talking to her, or mentioning her name, or following her on any website. No. Just no.
Done ranting. Let's now put a smile on my face and welcome the prince with hearts and stars and open arms when he gets back. :-) I love you so much baby :-)
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Post pictures here??? NO.
I've just read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, and Charlie seems like an absolute cutiepie. Oops! Wouldn't want the prince to get the wrong idea. It hasn't even been 12 hours since he left.
Am currently downloading the film through Express Files [which 'Aamir introduced me] [or more like installed into my laptop when I wasn't looking] It's my first time using it on my own, and it took an hour to download 2%. Is this normal??? And does it continue downloading if my laptop is on standy??? Someone tell me, please.
I've gotten a job. I got a call from Shushan this morning, asking me if I was interested in the vacancy at Guardian. Of course I said yes, bloody hell. And what's more it was just for two weeks, according to her. And... Are you ready for this? It's freaking 8 bucks per hour. 8 motherfucking bucks!!!
I'd better keep track of my finances properly this time. Maybe by the time school starts, I can pamper myself a little bit by getting a few top pieces that are out of my box. If you know what I mean. Maybe a batwing sheer top, like the one I'd tried on at Siying's house. Maybe more chiffon tops, or denim.
And speaking of which, I have a Carousell. I've done my research and I basically know all the latest trends among Singaporean teenaged girls right now. That's the problem. I know, but I don't do. Well I don't have to necessarily follow exactly what everyone's wearing. I could always add my own original touches to it.
So... When I have the money, In Sha Allah, I'm going on a retail escapade. Remember back in 2012 when I was always going on those solitary escapades to clear my loneliness? Well, this shall be the year of retail escapades to clear my low self-esteem.
I know I've said that I'm never going to post any pictures here. But maybe when the time comes, I might want to post some outfits on this blog... I know it's not me. But I have to get out of the box.
Let's face it: my writing isn't going anywhere. When I tweeted that I was gonna stop blogging, nobody said anything. It's nearly been a month; I've not gone this long without exposing my blog posts on people's timelines. It's obvious nobody cares about this blog, apart from Siying, 'Aamir, Nura, Pearl. Maybe because there are too many words? No pretty faces? Or maybe the way I write is boring? Idk.
It doesn't matter.
We'll see how it goes.
Goodnight.
Am currently downloading the film through Express Files [which 'Aamir introduced me] [or more like installed into my laptop when I wasn't looking] It's my first time using it on my own, and it took an hour to download 2%. Is this normal??? And does it continue downloading if my laptop is on standy??? Someone tell me, please.
I've gotten a job. I got a call from Shushan this morning, asking me if I was interested in the vacancy at Guardian. Of course I said yes, bloody hell. And what's more it was just for two weeks, according to her. And... Are you ready for this? It's freaking 8 bucks per hour. 8 motherfucking bucks!!!
I'd better keep track of my finances properly this time. Maybe by the time school starts, I can pamper myself a little bit by getting a few top pieces that are out of my box. If you know what I mean. Maybe a batwing sheer top, like the one I'd tried on at Siying's house. Maybe more chiffon tops, or denim.
And speaking of which, I have a Carousell. I've done my research and I basically know all the latest trends among Singaporean teenaged girls right now. That's the problem. I know, but I don't do. Well I don't have to necessarily follow exactly what everyone's wearing. I could always add my own original touches to it.
So... When I have the money, In Sha Allah, I'm going on a retail escapade. Remember back in 2012 when I was always going on those solitary escapades to clear my loneliness? Well, this shall be the year of retail escapades to clear my low self-esteem.
I know I've said that I'm never going to post any pictures here. But maybe when the time comes, I might want to post some outfits on this blog... I know it's not me. But I have to get out of the box.
Let's face it: my writing isn't going anywhere. When I tweeted that I was gonna stop blogging, nobody said anything. It's nearly been a month; I've not gone this long without exposing my blog posts on people's timelines. It's obvious nobody cares about this blog, apart from Siying, 'Aamir, Nura, Pearl. Maybe because there are too many words? No pretty faces? Or maybe the way I write is boring? Idk.
It doesn't matter.
We'll see how it goes.
Goodnight.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
I was a ninja, cyclist, hero, and a squirrel in just 3 days
Wake up in the morning not giving a single fuck.
No work no school, means no money.
Go look for job just trying out my luck.
But no. So fuck me.
So I headed to EW1 in the morning with the intention of taking my old clothes from the house. Siying introduced this app called Carousell, and I just had the idea of creating my own listings. [I need money anyway and it seems like Charles & Keith doesn't want me]
The last time I visited was somewhere in April or May, for all I remember. At that time my room was the way it was when I left; messy in the way I loved it, but with more dust and an empty wardrobe. Back on that day, when I'd returned from my class chalet, my dad had removed all the clothes from my wardrobe and threw them across my room [according to the sight that greeted me. Not that I saw him doing this].
Yesterday though, my room was a mix of old and new, clean and dirty, full and empty.
I used to leave it in a mess, because mess defines me but yesterday, it was all cleaned up. Even my desk. Everything was organised, furniture was shifted, and the mural on the wall above my bed had been painted over.
However, there were clothes all over my bed and all over the floor next to it. Looking closer I realised they weren't mine, but my parents', and my brothers'. What the hell! You have no idea how shocked I was. I really was. The hell is wrong with them!?
And not only that, but my clothes were not in sight. My closet, the one which I used to put my own clothes before, and the one which was empty I left, were filled with my mother's clothes. I couldn't find mine before I finally thought of the storeroom.
Well I rummaged through the shit in that Santa Claus bag as Siying called it, and took some of the clothes which I thought would sell. I did my research in the Looking For category on Carousell, and through my observation in current trends... So it was kind of easy shit.
Hauled over my finds to Elias Mac, where I sat with Siying and Pearl. We had a chat under the sun whilst sipping on milo and pinching my arm fats [Pearl].
We stopped by Whitesands afterwards, and we split at the station because Pearl had an errand. Siying and I? We headed to Pasir Ris Park for our photoshoot.
This spot is precious for many reasons. It was where we had water wars with the rest of the girls on birthdays, especially in 2010. It was where we did filming in 2011, oh man. Those days.
Alright so I had quite a few changes of clothes from my previous haul, which Siying helped to match and adjusted a bit here and there. And she was the fashion photographer too! I swear I can always trust her to be the photographer. I had so much fun!
Of course, I still stand for what I believe in. I'd love to show you the dozens of pictures she took, but again, this blog is mainly for words.
A hint though, I wore outfits which I would never wear on my own accord. Okay whatever.
When all that was done and I was back in my MOC tee and jeans, Siying and I made our way to her place to lepak a while. We met with Shushan to have a little meal before heading back to Pasir Ris Park... to... cycle!!!
I'm not sure if you know this but I've only learnt cycling early last year, so I'm still a bit afraid when cycling. I swear I was so scared of cycling too near pedestrians or other cyclists, even stopping when I see people in my path. Silly me.
At one point of time the tip of the seat freaking slammed against my v-j-j. That hurt so bad!!! But I'm surprised it didn't force my period to come.
Blood came from somewhere else though... Here's the story.
There I was, cycling slowly while Shushan and Siying were further ahead. I'd disciplined myself to stay on the cycling path, but of course, not everyone was as courteous as me. This couple was walking damn slowly in the middle of the cycling path while I had to stay on the right because they were taking most of the space on the left. Fuck, as if that didn't piss me off enough.
And then I spotted a cyclist ahead of me, cycling towards me on the same side of the path, so I decided to move to the left, since I have a personal rule of "stick to the left". The only space I had was in front of that couple, so that was where I steered towards.
Well, I don't mean to stereotype, but this freaking minah just had to appear out of nowhere with her snapback and mainstream music blasting, and I got so shocked [which doesn't make good reaction with paranoia, if you think chemistry...] so I just slammed on the brakes. And Idk, maybe it was because I was turning when I braked, so I kind of lost balance and just threw myself off the bike.
That damn girl just cycled away without turning back, and the couple just made their way around me even though I had fallen fucking right in front of them. At that moment, at that fucking moment.... I so badly wanted humans to go extinct.
When I threw myself off the bike, it wasn't a very good move because my foot landed on the ground at a very awkward angle. And, not only did my big toe land nail-down on the ground, but it also got dragged across the asphalt.
Okay that was painful, but my reaction was slow. Only after I saw the blood did I throw off my sandal and wince in pain. And boy, that was a lot of blood. I had no tissues, and nobody was stopping to help, so the only thing I could do was to phone either one of the girls.
How could so much blood come from one toe!? Well that's what the girls tried to find out. Was it the nail? It did look broken, but I've always had the habit of plucking my finger and toenails until the tips were gone. Was it the skin? .....Okay. It was. The skin at the top of the nail was, well, torn. And it still looks like it. Ugh.
As always, the best friends took care of me like they always do.
I went to save someone's ass. And since she was going over and over that I saved her life, I take it that her ass is her life. (':
Ok
So I went to Bugis to buy Pearl a ticket for her trip home, because she hadn't brought her wallet to school. [Her mom sent her to school] She kept thanking me, but I swear it was no problem at all because I was going to the bus terminal anyway. And after all she's also helped me out many times, so it really was nothing. But you're welcome.
Right afterwards I walked to the Singapore-Johore bus terminal and waited for 'Aamir. Wow he had new Converse on his feet!
Both of us were a little broke so we just bought this box of croissants and a can of tuna mayo from Cold Storage. Apparently his IC wasn't done yet, so we went to Lavender for nothing... Except to have a quick lunch at the side of the road.
A long time ago, when I was just a little girl.... Ok not really little, probably mid-primary age. My mom brought me to the National Library when it first opened, and I think that was the first and last time I went there. [I remember borrowing a book called True Blue, with a butterfly on its cover]
'Aamir and I went there yesterday, and it wasn't like how I remembered. The main library is at the basement!? Since when!?
We took some Marvel comics [Thor for him and Teen Titans for myself hehe] but he only read halfway before he started sleeping. And he got told off by the librarian twice, I couldn't help but snicker.
Our date wasn't that long, but it kind of pleased me to think of the fact that we had stayed in the East the whole time. Hah! He took his bus from the same bus terminal and I headed to the bus stop by the Muslim cemetery for bus 7 home.
Alright so Bishan is the spot where Northerns and Circliners come together. Which in this case, is 'Aamir and I.
And we sat on a bench at the bus interchange, talking about families and his Bali trip and a hypocrite I know, before heading to the carpark rooftop nearby. Like every carpark rooftop has, a firehose cover was collecting dust, so I traced our names with my finger. That's a classic memory embossment ok? And for it to be so dusty, are there really never any fires at all???
As silly as it sounds, we bumped into several difficulties when we wanted to get water [okay, I wanted to].
1. The one at the minimart was a dollar. It's just water ffs! Come on I've seen cheaper ones at Fairprice.
'Aamir: OKAY SYG
2. The little fridges at Fairprice, you know, the ones usually by the counter... They didn't have many bottles of plain water. There was only Evian, which was like a freaking one dollar fifty cents. Too expensive.
'Aamir: OKAY SYG
3. The shelves. Oh, I see so many cheaper ones. Oh! 2 bottles for 65 cents! But... I'm not going to drink that much. But it's more worth it to buy two...
'Aamir: OKAY SYG I DRINK ONE
4. Fuck, the water is not cold.
'Aamir: OKAY SYG WE PUT THE BOTTLES AT THIS FREEZER WITH THESE BAGS OF ICE FOR A WHILE OK
5. Fuck, still not cold
'Aamir: OKAY SYG WE PUT AT THE FRIDGE BESIDE THE CASHIER
I WILL ALSO JUST ANYHOW PULL DOWN THE COVER OF THE FRIDGE SO IT WILL BE COLDER FASTER
6. FORGET IT LET'S GO BACK AND GET THAT ONE DOLLAR ONE AT THE MINIMART
'Aamir: BITCH NO
I will never know how 'Aamir can put up with me for so long. Lalalalalalaluv the prince.
Tomorrow is the day he goes off for Bali. He'll be back by Sunday, but still, it feels like such a long time. So, we had a long hug, to prepare for that period of time without each other. You know, like how squirrels collect all those nuts to prepare for winter.
Bishan is where the Northerns and Circliners come together.
But it's also the one MRT station in Singapore where 'Aamir and I part at the very moment we tap in the gantries. Him on the North South Line, and me on the Circle Line.
Thank you for taking the time to read this lengthy post of mine, once again!
Take care, prince. Trust me on this one, but I'll be thinking of you the whole time.
And guys, I'm officially broke.
No work no school, means no money.
Go look for job just trying out my luck.
But no. So fuck me.
Sunday, 22nd September, 2013.
Secret Mission #1: EW1
The last time I visited was somewhere in April or May, for all I remember. At that time my room was the way it was when I left; messy in the way I loved it, but with more dust and an empty wardrobe. Back on that day, when I'd returned from my class chalet, my dad had removed all the clothes from my wardrobe and threw them across my room [according to the sight that greeted me. Not that I saw him doing this].
Yesterday though, my room was a mix of old and new, clean and dirty, full and empty.
I used to leave it in a mess, because mess defines me but yesterday, it was all cleaned up. Even my desk. Everything was organised, furniture was shifted, and the mural on the wall above my bed had been painted over.
However, there were clothes all over my bed and all over the floor next to it. Looking closer I realised they weren't mine, but my parents', and my brothers'. What the hell! You have no idea how shocked I was. I really was. The hell is wrong with them!?
And not only that, but my clothes were not in sight. My closet, the one which I used to put my own clothes before, and the one which was empty I left, were filled with my mother's clothes. I couldn't find mine before I finally thought of the storeroom.
Well I rummaged through the shit in that Santa Claus bag as Siying called it, and took some of the clothes which I thought would sell. I did my research in the Looking For category on Carousell, and through my observation in current trends... So it was kind of easy shit.
Hauled over my finds to Elias Mac, where I sat with Siying and Pearl. We had a chat under the sun whilst sipping on milo and pinching my arm fats [Pearl].
We stopped by Whitesands afterwards, and we split at the station because Pearl had an errand. Siying and I? We headed to Pasir Ris Park for our photoshoot.
This spot is precious for many reasons. It was where we had water wars with the rest of the girls on birthdays, especially in 2010. It was where we did filming in 2011, oh man. Those days.
Alright so I had quite a few changes of clothes from my previous haul, which Siying helped to match and adjusted a bit here and there. And she was the fashion photographer too! I swear I can always trust her to be the photographer. I had so much fun!
Of course, I still stand for what I believe in. I'd love to show you the dozens of pictures she took, but again, this blog is mainly for words.
A hint though, I wore outfits which I would never wear on my own accord. Okay whatever.
When all that was done and I was back in my MOC tee and jeans, Siying and I made our way to her place to lepak a while. We met with Shushan to have a little meal before heading back to Pasir Ris Park... to... cycle!!!
I'm not sure if you know this but I've only learnt cycling early last year, so I'm still a bit afraid when cycling. I swear I was so scared of cycling too near pedestrians or other cyclists, even stopping when I see people in my path. Silly me.
At one point of time the tip of the seat freaking slammed against my v-j-j. That hurt so bad!!! But I'm surprised it didn't force my period to come.
Blood came from somewhere else though... Here's the story.
There I was, cycling slowly while Shushan and Siying were further ahead. I'd disciplined myself to stay on the cycling path, but of course, not everyone was as courteous as me. This couple was walking damn slowly in the middle of the cycling path while I had to stay on the right because they were taking most of the space on the left. Fuck, as if that didn't piss me off enough.
And then I spotted a cyclist ahead of me, cycling towards me on the same side of the path, so I decided to move to the left, since I have a personal rule of "stick to the left". The only space I had was in front of that couple, so that was where I steered towards.
Well, I don't mean to stereotype, but this freaking minah just had to appear out of nowhere with her snapback and mainstream music blasting, and I got so shocked [which doesn't make good reaction with paranoia, if you think chemistry...] so I just slammed on the brakes. And Idk, maybe it was because I was turning when I braked, so I kind of lost balance and just threw myself off the bike.
That damn girl just cycled away without turning back, and the couple just made their way around me even though I had fallen fucking right in front of them. At that moment, at that fucking moment.... I so badly wanted humans to go extinct.
When I threw myself off the bike, it wasn't a very good move because my foot landed on the ground at a very awkward angle. And, not only did my big toe land nail-down on the ground, but it also got dragged across the asphalt.
Okay that was painful, but my reaction was slow. Only after I saw the blood did I throw off my sandal and wince in pain. And boy, that was a lot of blood. I had no tissues, and nobody was stopping to help, so the only thing I could do was to phone either one of the girls.
How could so much blood come from one toe!? Well that's what the girls tried to find out. Was it the nail? It did look broken, but I've always had the habit of plucking my finger and toenails until the tips were gone. Was it the skin? .....Okay. It was. The skin at the top of the nail was, well, torn. And it still looks like it. Ugh.
As always, the best friends took care of me like they always do.
Monday, 23rd September, 2013.
Special Mission #2: EW12
I went to save someone's ass. And since she was going over and over that I saved her life, I take it that her ass is her life. (':
Ok
So I went to Bugis to buy Pearl a ticket for her trip home, because she hadn't brought her wallet to school. [Her mom sent her to school] She kept thanking me, but I swear it was no problem at all because I was going to the bus terminal anyway. And after all she's also helped me out many times, so it really was nothing. But you're welcome.
Right afterwards I walked to the Singapore-Johore bus terminal and waited for 'Aamir. Wow he had new Converse on his feet!
Both of us were a little broke so we just bought this box of croissants and a can of tuna mayo from Cold Storage. Apparently his IC wasn't done yet, so we went to Lavender for nothing... Except to have a quick lunch at the side of the road.
A long time ago, when I was just a little girl.... Ok not really little, probably mid-primary age. My mom brought me to the National Library when it first opened, and I think that was the first and last time I went there. [I remember borrowing a book called True Blue, with a butterfly on its cover]
'Aamir and I went there yesterday, and it wasn't like how I remembered. The main library is at the basement!? Since when!?
We took some Marvel comics [Thor for him and Teen Titans for myself hehe] but he only read halfway before he started sleeping. And he got told off by the librarian twice, I couldn't help but snicker.
Our date wasn't that long, but it kind of pleased me to think of the fact that we had stayed in the East the whole time. Hah! He took his bus from the same bus terminal and I headed to the bus stop by the Muslim cemetery for bus 7 home.
Tuesday, 24th of September, 2013.
Secret Mission #3: NS17/CC15
Alright so Bishan is the spot where Northerns and Circliners come together. Which in this case, is 'Aamir and I.
And we sat on a bench at the bus interchange, talking about families and his Bali trip and a hypocrite I know, before heading to the carpark rooftop nearby. Like every carpark rooftop has, a firehose cover was collecting dust, so I traced our names with my finger. That's a classic memory embossment ok? And for it to be so dusty, are there really never any fires at all???
As silly as it sounds, we bumped into several difficulties when we wanted to get water [okay, I wanted to].
1. The one at the minimart was a dollar. It's just water ffs! Come on I've seen cheaper ones at Fairprice.
'Aamir: OKAY SYG
2. The little fridges at Fairprice, you know, the ones usually by the counter... They didn't have many bottles of plain water. There was only Evian, which was like a freaking one dollar fifty cents. Too expensive.
'Aamir: OKAY SYG
3. The shelves. Oh, I see so many cheaper ones. Oh! 2 bottles for 65 cents! But... I'm not going to drink that much. But it's more worth it to buy two...
'Aamir: OKAY SYG I DRINK ONE
4. Fuck, the water is not cold.
'Aamir: OKAY SYG WE PUT THE BOTTLES AT THIS FREEZER WITH THESE BAGS OF ICE FOR A WHILE OK
5. Fuck, still not cold
'Aamir: OKAY SYG WE PUT AT THE FRIDGE BESIDE THE CASHIER
I WILL ALSO JUST ANYHOW PULL DOWN THE COVER OF THE FRIDGE SO IT WILL BE COLDER FASTER
6. FORGET IT LET'S GO BACK AND GET THAT ONE DOLLAR ONE AT THE MINIMART
'Aamir: BITCH NO
I will never know how 'Aamir can put up with me for so long. Lalalalalalaluv the prince.
Tomorrow is the day he goes off for Bali. He'll be back by Sunday, but still, it feels like such a long time. So, we had a long hug, to prepare for that period of time without each other. You know, like how squirrels collect all those nuts to prepare for winter.
Bishan is where the Northerns and Circliners come together.
But it's also the one MRT station in Singapore where 'Aamir and I part at the very moment we tap in the gantries. Him on the North South Line, and me on the Circle Line.
____
Take care, prince. Trust me on this one, but I'll be thinking of you the whole time.
And guys, I'm officially broke.
Friday, September 20, 2013
Reasons to dislike birthdays.
I have something against birthdays. Of course, this negative passion hasn't been always, as those who know me longer know. It was sparked in 2010, only to be confirmed in 2012. These two years contributed to my dislike for birthdays.
I shall now tell you something, a huge part I left out from the story which I had written about in "My last post". Go ahead and judge me, or change your perspective of me. I don't care. I just need to get this out right now.
2010. My 15th birthday. Remember the guy who caught my eye a year before, and who noticed me only to treat me nothing more than a sister? He is Red. By this time, I actually did wanted to tell him my feelings for him.
I only managed to spend it with him the day after my actual birthday, after I got birthday bashed by the Malay girls from my cliuque with water [that was awesome fun shit]. We headed to our carpark rooftop; this shelter where we always climb onto and lie down and just watch trees and skies.
On that particular day Red and I got ourselves cinammon melts which we ate, side by side on the rooftop. This rooftop was our usual haunt back in those days; there's this little shelter where we can both climb onto, difficult to be reached by normal people.
We weren't a couple, nope. But we cuddled right there on the rooftop, yes, in perfect view of the HDB flats all around. Our cuddle wasn't so indecent though, of course. Okay, it was just lying on laps and lying down close to each other, and holding hands. That's it.
We made our way down before it got dark, and that was where he pulled me into a hug. A birthday hug, I suppose. It was long, it was strong, it was passionate in a way.
He let me go, and he said goodbye; put on his headphones and turned his back on me after giving one last smile.
I sat down, took out my phone; saw the note on my homescreen and looked over the railings. He was already walking down the stairs about two storeys down. I called his name but of course, his headphones blocked me out.
At that moment I had all the courage in the world to tell him I like him. I had the courage for that, but... I didn't have the courage to even chase after him.
What does the note say? It says, with a smiley face at the end; "I MUST tell him on my 15th birthday!"
I still remember.
That was probably the first and last chance I had to tell him in person. The next time we met was when the first kiss happened, and right afterwards he got himself another girl as a girlfriend. The entire year afterwards, every once in a while I would think of my 15th birthday, blaming my lack of courage to be the cause of my loss, and that other girl's gain.
My 16th birthday was fine, because I ate pizza with half the girls, and, yeah, nothing messed it up. The year afterwards though...
2012. My 17th birthday. As you may know, 2012 was my lonely year. Nope. No best friends, no special someone, disappointing and unreliable family members.
But there was Black.
Five months before my 17th birthday, I had met up with Black several times already. We hung out, we talked, and we even cried together once. [we were getting emotional about our respective loneliness, but this is another story] And,... We also held hands, and hugged, and kissed. We were never a couple.
Of course eventually he wanted to take it further. And no, not a relationship, but sex. When I didn't give him what he wanted, he stopped talking to me or meeting me. Right to the week before my birthday... I'm sorry. But you couldn't blame me. I was lonely. I texted him, and I remember my exact words, because I read that text over and over before and after I sent it to him; "It's my birthday next Wednesday. Will you spend it with me?"
And I also roughly remember his reply because I read it so many times it just etched itself into my head: "Meet me in the evening. And you better let me birthday bash you.", somewhere along those lines. I remember the phrase 'birthday bash'. I knew exactly what he meant.
My 17th birthday was what caused my loss of innocence. We did it at 5 in the morning at "the usual place", as he would call it.
Afterwards was when things between my parents and I got more heated up and complicated. Every time I ran away, or hid in my room with tears and bruises, the first person I'd text, or call, was Black. He never answered. I was delusional; everyday I would text him without fail, telling him things which I couldn't tell anyone else because, well, there was nobody else. He never replied any of my messages.
The only times he texted me was when he needed his sexual therapy... And because I had gotten 'addicted' to it as well after my 17th birthday, I would always give it to him. He was careful whenever he did it; he was gentle, and he also took care of my feelings afterwards. He would stroke my hair and kiss me tenderly. I'm sorry. I was blinded by his words and his touch, and I didn't think I was doing anything wrong at all. It was the feeling of being wanted and needed that made me keep going back to him.
But he never came to me when I needed him.
I know it's my fault, but this, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why I now dislike birthdays. Are you really going to treat someone special only on this one stupid day? Are you going to reject the person on other days no matter how much they need you? Because that's what Black did, and I'm going to grow old believing that everyone else does that every year to me too, past and future.
Not to mention the parents... Your birthday, they love you. They kiss you. The rest of the year, they shun you, they hit you, they hate you. What's the point of the birthday? Does it exist just to show you that you're only gonna be loved on that one day? I'd rather be treated like shit everyday.
That's why I don't want any presents, or even wishes on my birthday. Don't treat me special. Just treat me like how you would on normal days. Deep inside, I'm wishing that I get a miracle birthday to make me forget this hate I have for my special day. But I know it's not going to happen, with all the girls busy and with the prince unable to come to Singapore.
"Black" is "Red" 's elder brother. They are twins.
And with this post written, yesterday was my 18th birthday.
I hate the feeling of being left behind. I really do. Like there was a chance to have fun, to glow, to laugh, but unable to. Very much like how I didn't go for prom last year, very much like how I didn't get to wear pretty baju kurungs for Hari Raya this year.
I don't blame the girls though. I did tell Siying to make sure they didn't plan anything special for me like they always did, so I can't get angry at them. I'm not even. There's a reason though. Maybe if I straightout told them, then at least I'd know I wouldn't get anything. It beats having expectations which remain unmet. So it's okay.
I'm not going to blame my aunt and grandmother either. They're busy too. And my granny can't go out or celebrate as she likes, if you know what I mean. It did make me sad when she saw me dazing on the couch and said, "Birthday girl never go out today? So sad ah hahahaha poor thing..."
Just another year to add to my Reasons Why I Hate Birthdays. Yet, deep down inside as usual, I wish that my next birthday would be better.
I shall now tell you something, a huge part I left out from the story which I had written about in "My last post". Go ahead and judge me, or change your perspective of me. I don't care. I just need to get this out right now.
2010. My 15th birthday. Remember the guy who caught my eye a year before, and who noticed me only to treat me nothing more than a sister? He is Red. By this time, I actually did wanted to tell him my feelings for him.
I only managed to spend it with him the day after my actual birthday, after I got birthday bashed by the Malay girls from my cliuque with water [that was awesome fun shit]. We headed to our carpark rooftop; this shelter where we always climb onto and lie down and just watch trees and skies.
On that particular day Red and I got ourselves cinammon melts which we ate, side by side on the rooftop. This rooftop was our usual haunt back in those days; there's this little shelter where we can both climb onto, difficult to be reached by normal people.
We weren't a couple, nope. But we cuddled right there on the rooftop, yes, in perfect view of the HDB flats all around. Our cuddle wasn't so indecent though, of course. Okay, it was just lying on laps and lying down close to each other, and holding hands. That's it.
We made our way down before it got dark, and that was where he pulled me into a hug. A birthday hug, I suppose. It was long, it was strong, it was passionate in a way.
He let me go, and he said goodbye; put on his headphones and turned his back on me after giving one last smile.
I sat down, took out my phone; saw the note on my homescreen and looked over the railings. He was already walking down the stairs about two storeys down. I called his name but of course, his headphones blocked me out.
At that moment I had all the courage in the world to tell him I like him. I had the courage for that, but... I didn't have the courage to even chase after him.
What does the note say? It says, with a smiley face at the end; "I MUST tell him on my 15th birthday!"
I still remember.
That was probably the first and last chance I had to tell him in person. The next time we met was when the first kiss happened, and right afterwards he got himself another girl as a girlfriend. The entire year afterwards, every once in a while I would think of my 15th birthday, blaming my lack of courage to be the cause of my loss, and that other girl's gain.
My 16th birthday was fine, because I ate pizza with half the girls, and, yeah, nothing messed it up. The year afterwards though...
2012. My 17th birthday. As you may know, 2012 was my lonely year. Nope. No best friends, no special someone, disappointing and unreliable family members.
But there was Black.
Five months before my 17th birthday, I had met up with Black several times already. We hung out, we talked, and we even cried together once. [we were getting emotional about our respective loneliness, but this is another story] And,... We also held hands, and hugged, and kissed. We were never a couple.
Of course eventually he wanted to take it further. And no, not a relationship, but sex. When I didn't give him what he wanted, he stopped talking to me or meeting me. Right to the week before my birthday... I'm sorry. But you couldn't blame me. I was lonely. I texted him, and I remember my exact words, because I read that text over and over before and after I sent it to him; "It's my birthday next Wednesday. Will you spend it with me?"
And I also roughly remember his reply because I read it so many times it just etched itself into my head: "Meet me in the evening. And you better let me birthday bash you.", somewhere along those lines. I remember the phrase 'birthday bash'. I knew exactly what he meant.
My 17th birthday was what caused my loss of innocence. We did it at 5 in the morning at "the usual place", as he would call it.
Afterwards was when things between my parents and I got more heated up and complicated. Every time I ran away, or hid in my room with tears and bruises, the first person I'd text, or call, was Black. He never answered. I was delusional; everyday I would text him without fail, telling him things which I couldn't tell anyone else because, well, there was nobody else. He never replied any of my messages.
The only times he texted me was when he needed his sexual therapy... And because I had gotten 'addicted' to it as well after my 17th birthday, I would always give it to him. He was careful whenever he did it; he was gentle, and he also took care of my feelings afterwards. He would stroke my hair and kiss me tenderly. I'm sorry. I was blinded by his words and his touch, and I didn't think I was doing anything wrong at all. It was the feeling of being wanted and needed that made me keep going back to him.
But he never came to me when I needed him.
I know it's my fault, but this, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why I now dislike birthdays. Are you really going to treat someone special only on this one stupid day? Are you going to reject the person on other days no matter how much they need you? Because that's what Black did, and I'm going to grow old believing that everyone else does that every year to me too, past and future.
Not to mention the parents... Your birthday, they love you. They kiss you. The rest of the year, they shun you, they hit you, they hate you. What's the point of the birthday? Does it exist just to show you that you're only gonna be loved on that one day? I'd rather be treated like shit everyday.
That's why I don't want any presents, or even wishes on my birthday. Don't treat me special. Just treat me like how you would on normal days. Deep inside, I'm wishing that I get a miracle birthday to make me forget this hate I have for my special day. But I know it's not going to happen, with all the girls busy and with the prince unable to come to Singapore.
"Black" is "Red" 's elder brother. They are twins.
And with this post written, yesterday was my 18th birthday.
I hate the feeling of being left behind. I really do. Like there was a chance to have fun, to glow, to laugh, but unable to. Very much like how I didn't go for prom last year, very much like how I didn't get to wear pretty baju kurungs for Hari Raya this year.
I don't blame the girls though. I did tell Siying to make sure they didn't plan anything special for me like they always did, so I can't get angry at them. I'm not even. There's a reason though. Maybe if I straightout told them, then at least I'd know I wouldn't get anything. It beats having expectations which remain unmet. So it's okay.
I'm not going to blame my aunt and grandmother either. They're busy too. And my granny can't go out or celebrate as she likes, if you know what I mean. It did make me sad when she saw me dazing on the couch and said, "Birthday girl never go out today? So sad ah hahahaha poor thing..."
Just another year to add to my Reasons Why I Hate Birthdays. Yet, deep down inside as usual, I wish that my next birthday would be better.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Of princes and dreams... Yesterday.
I had a date with my prince 'Aamir yesterday, and yes, it went great! Apart from one giant setback but that's okay. I forgive him for that.
We caught the comedy The English Teacher at Causeway Point, and it's the "Pick of the Week" at that cinema and was a great movie, but I'm not sure why there weren't many people who watched it. Oh well, it felt like it was just me and the prince so it doesn't matter. Hehe.
He got his Dip 'N Go thing and we sat at the outskirts of Woodlands station, just sitting and eating, making silly conversation like we always do. We decided to head to Republic Poly to explore a bit, which was just what we did.
Of course, 'Aamir wouldn't allow me to wander off alone yet he didn't want to accompany me explore properly. So the whole experience wasn't up to what I was looking forward to. I'm still glad I managed to spend time with him though.
It still makes me giggle whenever I think about his face when I accidentally threw his shoebag over the ledge! We were tossing it back and forth, and when I wanted to throw it back at him, he didn't catch it and it flew over and down to about one storey down. That was hilarious! [Or maybe I did it on purpose because he had thrown it to my face til it bruised my cheek, and I was just getting back at him. You'll never know]
On purpose or not, I still had to atone for my sin, by being forced to run all the way down and around and all the way back to take the shoebag for the prince.
We parted at Kranji station, and just before he got off the train, I asked him; "Are you glad that I didn't give up on you?"
He gave a slight smile and he said, "Yes."
And that just made my day. ^^
On the other hand, it's another boring Wednesday... I've ran out of space for new theories. I can't find anymore Youtubers who talk about Pokemon too, other than JWittz, TamashiiHiroka, dookieshed, and NintendoFanFTW. I like their style and humour, and other Youtubers just don't have that.
I have also been stuffing myself with gummies and milk tea. Yes, I'm back to those days when I would do nothing all day but stuff my face in front of the computer. Just like back in Pasir Ris. And speaking of which, I had a dream about my old house a few nights ago.
The first thing I remember was being in the stretch between the station and my old house, just walking. Well, I was texting 'Aamir and Luqman [don't get mad at me for dreaming of him please thank you] telling them where I was. From the way I was texting them, it felt normal for me to be living back there so I think I'd been there for quite some time already. Or maybe I never lived at Paya Lebar.
Anyway, as I was pressing the lift for the 12th floor [I live on the 9th floor at Pasir Ris though. Just pointing that out] and thinking to myself, "Damn. The 12th floor has never been so high." Idk, when I was walking earlier, it was daytime but when I got out of the lift, it was dark as night. Alright then.
Who greeted me was my little brother, who seemed to be the master of the house. What do I mean by master??? It seemed like he was the one in charge of everything in the house. I explored the house a little [of course it was familiar to my dream-self but I still had the conscious of my real self, if that makes sense] to find my parents nowhere in sight, and my elder brother sitting in front of the television with this spaced out look.
I came to conclude that that scumbag was... Brain-dead! Of course. No other phrase for it. Maybe mentally retarded but that's what I am too, so *shrugs* I will never forget what he called me on Twitter: "otak cacat". (:
So... I still haven't told my aunt about my academic results. Heh. Don't look at me like that. If you had a GPA less than 1, you'd definitely hide it from your parents wouldn't you?
We caught the comedy The English Teacher at Causeway Point, and it's the "Pick of the Week" at that cinema and was a great movie, but I'm not sure why there weren't many people who watched it. Oh well, it felt like it was just me and the prince so it doesn't matter. Hehe.
He got his Dip 'N Go thing and we sat at the outskirts of Woodlands station, just sitting and eating, making silly conversation like we always do. We decided to head to Republic Poly to explore a bit, which was just what we did.
Of course, 'Aamir wouldn't allow me to wander off alone yet he didn't want to accompany me explore properly. So the whole experience wasn't up to what I was looking forward to. I'm still glad I managed to spend time with him though.
It still makes me giggle whenever I think about his face when I accidentally threw his shoebag over the ledge! We were tossing it back and forth, and when I wanted to throw it back at him, he didn't catch it and it flew over and down to about one storey down. That was hilarious! [Or maybe I did it on purpose because he had thrown it to my face til it bruised my cheek, and I was just getting back at him. You'll never know]
On purpose or not, I still had to atone for my sin, by being forced to run all the way down and around and all the way back to take the shoebag for the prince.
We parted at Kranji station, and just before he got off the train, I asked him; "Are you glad that I didn't give up on you?"
He gave a slight smile and he said, "Yes."
And that just made my day. ^^
____
I have also been stuffing myself with gummies and milk tea. Yes, I'm back to those days when I would do nothing all day but stuff my face in front of the computer. Just like back in Pasir Ris. And speaking of which, I had a dream about my old house a few nights ago.
The first thing I remember was being in the stretch between the station and my old house, just walking. Well, I was texting 'Aamir and Luqman [don't get mad at me for dreaming of him please thank you] telling them where I was. From the way I was texting them, it felt normal for me to be living back there so I think I'd been there for quite some time already. Or maybe I never lived at Paya Lebar.
Anyway, as I was pressing the lift for the 12th floor [I live on the 9th floor at Pasir Ris though. Just pointing that out] and thinking to myself, "Damn. The 12th floor has never been so high." Idk, when I was walking earlier, it was daytime but when I got out of the lift, it was dark as night. Alright then.
Who greeted me was my little brother, who seemed to be the master of the house. What do I mean by master??? It seemed like he was the one in charge of everything in the house. I explored the house a little [of course it was familiar to my dream-self but I still had the conscious of my real self, if that makes sense] to find my parents nowhere in sight, and my elder brother sitting in front of the television with this spaced out look.
I came to conclude that that scumbag was... Brain-dead! Of course. No other phrase for it. Maybe mentally retarded but that's what I am too, so *shrugs* I will never forget what he called me on Twitter: "otak cacat". (:
So... I still haven't told my aunt about my academic results. Heh. Don't look at me like that. If you had a GPA less than 1, you'd definitely hide it from your parents wouldn't you?
Monday, September 16, 2013
Sick but a nonetheless fun trip to Johore.
I'm sick.
Not a nice way to start a post, but it was how my trip to Johore had started too. I was feeling more heated up than usual, and I didn't have appetite or mood to even move.
Okay, I'm not going to write all about my trip now, but I must say, despite being sick, I had lots of fun. My trip was accompanied by my uncles, maternal grandfather, aunty, and none other than my cousin Kak Siti. Granny had already made her way to her kampung, because her elder sister's granddaughter is the bride, so you could say she's an important person who had to be there.
I haven't slept next to her for a day when I got sick, and 'Aamir wasn't texting me too due to his Internet shit. Am I really the only one who falls sick whenever I miss someone??? It also didn't help that I had to leave behind my cat best friend Tilda when I went off to Johore.
You have no idea how heartbroken I was when Tilda was laying on our bedroom floor as I was turning off the lights before leaving. She looked so sad, so lonely. I had to pick her up one more time and hug the shit out of her. Even then, it was not enough. I couldn't stop thinking of how alone she was, or how loud her cries for me would be, or how she was gonna get bullied by the male cats, during my car trip. ):
Well anyway, on that Friday night, I had Ramly burger with Kak Siti. Another awesome thing was, there was Wi-fi! But the not so awesome part? The prince doesn't have Internet so Wi-fi was pretty much useless.
We reached Taman Anggerik nearing 3 in the morning, and about seven hours later we were already on our way to the wedding at kampung Benut. By this time I was really sick, and I felt so nauseous and uncomfortable that all I looked forward to was to lie back down and go to sleep. Which was what I did when we got back home many hours later. It felt good.
Oh, back at kampung Benut, my granny hunted down Panadols the moment she knew I was sick, asking her nieces and nephews and other relatives, and she also fed me prata [yes, prata at a wedding. Woohoo] when I told her I had no appetite to eat. Yes, she spoils me, she really does.
Back to Taman Anggerik. Woke up from my nap with snot continuing to drip from my nose, but I still followed my uncles and Kak Siti back to the eatery with Wi-fi. I had wonderfully delicious naan and tandoori chicken, and 'Aamir's brother bought some Internet roaming thing so he and I were texting after days of not doing so. Bliss!
Lastly, we spent Sunday at Giant Plentong, where Kak Siti and I had foot massages. Damn girl. It was so painful but it felt so damn good. [ahem.] And I'm not sure about you guys, but I think it was cool that the masseuse knew I have frequent and terrible stomach problems just by massaging my feet. Oh, it really tickled.
I ate a lot, I might add. I had Nasi Pattaya, chocolate-banana crepe, chocolate nuggets, and not to forget a Subway sandwich. Which Singaporean Muslim wouldn't be excited to eat Subway when they're in Malaysia? Definitely not me, and definitely not Kak Siti. I had a Teriyaki sandwich with extra cheese and no lettuce [sorry for not eating my vegetables, prince] and damn girl. My life felt complete.
No, of course I didn't do shopping for clothes. Although, I took Siying's advice of trying to dress my top more often, so I tried looking for things she calls 'blouses'. The nice tops were expensive, while the cheap ones weren't to my liking. Yes. Dressing up will always be difficult.
Well the only thing close to fashion which I'd purchased was... A copy of Seventeen Malaysia.
We all headed back to Taman Anggerik to wait for granny to arrive back from the groom's kampung, and we were all finally on the way back to Singapore at 8PM. There was a traffic jam before Tuas Checkpoint, so Kak Siti and I, seated right at the back of the 6-seater or whatever you call it, decided to play a game of Charades through this app on her phone.
Okay, I must admit, we were making a hell load of noise there, and I couldn't stop giggling too! This entire Johore trip is probably one of those rare occasions where I manage to bond with this cousin of mine.
With this post written, I'd post some pictures as well but no. I've already made a pact never to post pictures on my blog anymore; just words. Words, words, words. If any Singaporeans stumble upon this blog, I'd rather they get attracted to me for my writing, instead of "Damn she's so pretty." [if I am] Okay?
Anyway, I have a prince and a best friend and other amazing people who calls me beautiful and enjoys my writing. I'm so blessed for that huhu *cries tears of gratitude*
We all reached home just as 'Aamir called me from his house phone. I ran outside the house just to answer his call, and I was so glad to hear his voice again. I've just received three missed calls from him, but I'm sorry, I can't answer. There aren't anymore spots for my privacy, and I've ran out of excuses to tell my grandma whenever she asked who was that. You have no idea how terrible I feel right now...
Also another apology to Siying because I've used you for quite some times already, telling my granny that it was you on the phone talking about our job interview.
I've spent my day watching videos of Pokemon myths and trivia and fun facts, stuff like that. I have recalled how amazing the world of Pokemon have always been. I'll write again soon, thank you for reading!
Not a nice way to start a post, but it was how my trip to Johore had started too. I was feeling more heated up than usual, and I didn't have appetite or mood to even move.
Okay, I'm not going to write all about my trip now, but I must say, despite being sick, I had lots of fun. My trip was accompanied by my uncles, maternal grandfather, aunty, and none other than my cousin Kak Siti. Granny had already made her way to her kampung, because her elder sister's granddaughter is the bride, so you could say she's an important person who had to be there.
I haven't slept next to her for a day when I got sick, and 'Aamir wasn't texting me too due to his Internet shit. Am I really the only one who falls sick whenever I miss someone??? It also didn't help that I had to leave behind my cat best friend Tilda when I went off to Johore.
You have no idea how heartbroken I was when Tilda was laying on our bedroom floor as I was turning off the lights before leaving. She looked so sad, so lonely. I had to pick her up one more time and hug the shit out of her. Even then, it was not enough. I couldn't stop thinking of how alone she was, or how loud her cries for me would be, or how she was gonna get bullied by the male cats, during my car trip. ):
Well anyway, on that Friday night, I had Ramly burger with Kak Siti. Another awesome thing was, there was Wi-fi! But the not so awesome part? The prince doesn't have Internet so Wi-fi was pretty much useless.
We reached Taman Anggerik nearing 3 in the morning, and about seven hours later we were already on our way to the wedding at kampung Benut. By this time I was really sick, and I felt so nauseous and uncomfortable that all I looked forward to was to lie back down and go to sleep. Which was what I did when we got back home many hours later. It felt good.
Oh, back at kampung Benut, my granny hunted down Panadols the moment she knew I was sick, asking her nieces and nephews and other relatives, and she also fed me prata [yes, prata at a wedding. Woohoo] when I told her I had no appetite to eat. Yes, she spoils me, she really does.
Back to Taman Anggerik. Woke up from my nap with snot continuing to drip from my nose, but I still followed my uncles and Kak Siti back to the eatery with Wi-fi. I had wonderfully delicious naan and tandoori chicken, and 'Aamir's brother bought some Internet roaming thing so he and I were texting after days of not doing so. Bliss!
Lastly, we spent Sunday at Giant Plentong, where Kak Siti and I had foot massages. Damn girl. It was so painful but it felt so damn good. [ahem.] And I'm not sure about you guys, but I think it was cool that the masseuse knew I have frequent and terrible stomach problems just by massaging my feet. Oh, it really tickled.
I ate a lot, I might add. I had Nasi Pattaya, chocolate-banana crepe, chocolate nuggets, and not to forget a Subway sandwich. Which Singaporean Muslim wouldn't be excited to eat Subway when they're in Malaysia? Definitely not me, and definitely not Kak Siti. I had a Teriyaki sandwich with extra cheese and no lettuce [sorry for not eating my vegetables, prince] and damn girl. My life felt complete.
No, of course I didn't do shopping for clothes. Although, I took Siying's advice of trying to dress my top more often, so I tried looking for things she calls 'blouses'. The nice tops were expensive, while the cheap ones weren't to my liking. Yes. Dressing up will always be difficult.
Well the only thing close to fashion which I'd purchased was... A copy of Seventeen Malaysia.
We all headed back to Taman Anggerik to wait for granny to arrive back from the groom's kampung, and we were all finally on the way back to Singapore at 8PM. There was a traffic jam before Tuas Checkpoint, so Kak Siti and I, seated right at the back of the 6-seater or whatever you call it, decided to play a game of Charades through this app on her phone.
Okay, I must admit, we were making a hell load of noise there, and I couldn't stop giggling too! This entire Johore trip is probably one of those rare occasions where I manage to bond with this cousin of mine.
With this post written, I'd post some pictures as well but no. I've already made a pact never to post pictures on my blog anymore; just words. Words, words, words. If any Singaporeans stumble upon this blog, I'd rather they get attracted to me for my writing, instead of "Damn she's so pretty." [if I am] Okay?
Anyway, I have a prince and a best friend and other amazing people who calls me beautiful and enjoys my writing. I'm so blessed for that huhu *cries tears of gratitude*
We all reached home just as 'Aamir called me from his house phone. I ran outside the house just to answer his call, and I was so glad to hear his voice again. I've just received three missed calls from him, but I'm sorry, I can't answer. There aren't anymore spots for my privacy, and I've ran out of excuses to tell my grandma whenever she asked who was that. You have no idea how terrible I feel right now...
Also another apology to Siying because I've used you for quite some times already, telling my granny that it was you on the phone talking about our job interview.
I've spent my day watching videos of Pokemon myths and trivia and fun facts, stuff like that. I have recalled how amazing the world of Pokemon have always been. I'll write again soon, thank you for reading!
Friday, September 13, 2013
A note for the prince.
Hey prince. I've been waiting for your call all day. I've been sitting by my phone when it's charging, and bringing it with me even to the toilet when it's not. I really didn't want to miss such an important thing. But it seems like your call isn't coming anymore.
I've seen a tweet revolving around a mourning girlfriend who texts her other half every morning, every night, without fail, even after he had died. I feel that way now, just that you're not permanently gone. [sisey mengumpat, or whatever that my grandmother says that's supposedly equivalent to "touch wood"]
Still, I feel an equal sense of sadness. The last morning we had a Whatsapp conversation, we were rejoicing the knowledge that we've been together for eight months, longer than any of our previous relationships, respectively. Hooray!
And then you went to game, and I told you alright, as long as you don't forget me. That was the last time we caught the flying kiss from the emoji using our fist emoticon. I love how you called me using your house phone when you found out you were having connection problems, but still, I feel lonely.
Don't you worry, though. I've not been out loitering or exploring without your permission. Even when I had to go out, I told you. I've been updating you everyday, love. You have 83 messages waiting for you, and counting. Right now they're all just accompanied by one tick, and this continues making me sad.
I miss your voice already. It's grown latched onto me, thanks to the memories of your sudden frequent phone calls. I feel so much more blissful than I should, feeling over the moon whenever my phone rings and it's your house phone. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, in some sense? Perhaps.
Well, like I'd told you, I'm heading to Johore tonight. Less than three hours left until I depart. I'm just writing this in case we never got to talk before I cross the borders. I miss you so much. And I'm not being shameless but I know over there you're missing me just as much. I'm sorry I'm not able to call you.
I have just received a call from the prince and his Internet will be down until Monday. Three cheers for five days without Internet. [and probably beyond] I wonder how he's going to survive. Probably about time that he starts reading the book I lent him eight months ago.
I've seen a tweet revolving around a mourning girlfriend who texts her other half every morning, every night, without fail, even after he had died. I feel that way now, just that you're not permanently gone. [sisey mengumpat, or whatever that my grandmother says that's supposedly equivalent to "touch wood"]
Still, I feel an equal sense of sadness. The last morning we had a Whatsapp conversation, we were rejoicing the knowledge that we've been together for eight months, longer than any of our previous relationships, respectively. Hooray!
And then you went to game, and I told you alright, as long as you don't forget me. That was the last time we caught the flying kiss from the emoji using our fist emoticon. I love how you called me using your house phone when you found out you were having connection problems, but still, I feel lonely.
Don't you worry, though. I've not been out loitering or exploring without your permission. Even when I had to go out, I told you. I've been updating you everyday, love. You have 83 messages waiting for you, and counting. Right now they're all just accompanied by one tick, and this continues making me sad.
I miss your voice already. It's grown latched onto me, thanks to the memories of your sudden frequent phone calls. I feel so much more blissful than I should, feeling over the moon whenever my phone rings and it's your house phone. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, in some sense? Perhaps.
Well, like I'd told you, I'm heading to Johore tonight. Less than three hours left until I depart. I'm just writing this in case we never got to talk before I cross the borders. I miss you so much. And I'm not being shameless but I know over there you're missing me just as much. I'm sorry I'm not able to call you.
____
I have just received a call from the prince and his Internet will be down until Monday. Three cheers for five days without Internet. [and probably beyond] I wonder how he's going to survive. Probably about time that he starts reading the book I lent him eight months ago.
I have recalled the dread of school.
I forgot that something called "school" existed. Along with this recollection, I've also remembered that there is such a thing as social life and studies. Well, fuck.
Today's the release of my end-of-semester exams. Alright, let's just rewind time back to those days.
I fooled around during the first few months of lessons, yes, I admitted, and I tried to change. I tried, by going through my notes and doing the tutorials which were due ages before. I went to the school library for my own solitary study sessions during study break.
I thought I tried. I thought I really did. And you know, I felt satisfied with what I had done for Engineering Maths [EG1]. I knew it wasn't the best, but it was my best. To think that I had failed, straightout.
And what am I going to tell my aunt? At times like these I wish it was my parents I am dreading to reveal my results to. Because my parents wouldn't care, so they wouldn't be disappointed. Yes... If you want someone to care for you, you have to be prepared to go through the feeling of disappointing someone.
I just hope Mendaki doesn't take back their financial support... My aunt took the effort to persuade them to support me in my studies because of our money issues. Sigh. I am sorry. I really am.
Next... there is the social life.
Whether or not I was being myself, my classmates don't seem to accept me anymore. Maybe they all prefer my classmate, the first girl I had made friends with back on the first day of school. Yes, I get that she's a friendly and wonderful person, and I'm not... I wish I can be like her too. Yet, I don't. Because I want to be accepted for who I am.
I dread to see the faces which I had thought I loved; my Poly classmates. I went through my first semester believing with all my heart that Ngee Ann people are nothing but stuck-up. I wish I can change this view. But I can't, after what I've been through. How I wish I can live in the fantasy that my classmates are actually the prince and his classmates. I'm so grateful to have known them all, and they regard my presence way better than my own classmates.
Future problems aside, hmmm. It's yet another lazy day. I woke up to my phone vibrating like mad; it was the prince calling to say good morning. How honoured can I get? Part of me wishes this would go on forever; that he wouldn't rely on Whatsapp for communication between us even after he gets his Internet back.
He hasn't called again since that call though. He said he'd probably get his Internet back after Friday prayers. Even if not, I'm sure he would have called me by now. I wish I have a Pidgey to send a message to him.
P.s. I love writing this way. I feel so free, without meeting the expectations of society which probably never existed in the first place. And I've decided whether or not I want to put anymore pictures: the answer is no. Because I am still dead-set on being focused on for my words and not my looks. [if I even had any hahahaha ok]
Today's the release of my end-of-semester exams. Alright, let's just rewind time back to those days.
I fooled around during the first few months of lessons, yes, I admitted, and I tried to change. I tried, by going through my notes and doing the tutorials which were due ages before. I went to the school library for my own solitary study sessions during study break.
I thought I tried. I thought I really did. And you know, I felt satisfied with what I had done for Engineering Maths [EG1]. I knew it wasn't the best, but it was my best. To think that I had failed, straightout.
And what am I going to tell my aunt? At times like these I wish it was my parents I am dreading to reveal my results to. Because my parents wouldn't care, so they wouldn't be disappointed. Yes... If you want someone to care for you, you have to be prepared to go through the feeling of disappointing someone.
I just hope Mendaki doesn't take back their financial support... My aunt took the effort to persuade them to support me in my studies because of our money issues. Sigh. I am sorry. I really am.
Next... there is the social life.
Whether or not I was being myself, my classmates don't seem to accept me anymore. Maybe they all prefer my classmate, the first girl I had made friends with back on the first day of school. Yes, I get that she's a friendly and wonderful person, and I'm not... I wish I can be like her too. Yet, I don't. Because I want to be accepted for who I am.
I dread to see the faces which I had thought I loved; my Poly classmates. I went through my first semester believing with all my heart that Ngee Ann people are nothing but stuck-up. I wish I can change this view. But I can't, after what I've been through. How I wish I can live in the fantasy that my classmates are actually the prince and his classmates. I'm so grateful to have known them all, and they regard my presence way better than my own classmates.
Future problems aside, hmmm. It's yet another lazy day. I woke up to my phone vibrating like mad; it was the prince calling to say good morning. How honoured can I get? Part of me wishes this would go on forever; that he wouldn't rely on Whatsapp for communication between us even after he gets his Internet back.
He hasn't called again since that call though. He said he'd probably get his Internet back after Friday prayers. Even if not, I'm sure he would have called me by now. I wish I have a Pidgey to send a message to him.
P.s. I love writing this way. I feel so free, without meeting the expectations of society which probably never existed in the first place. And I've decided whether or not I want to put anymore pictures: the answer is no. Because I am still dead-set on being focused on for my words and not my looks. [if I even had any hahahaha ok]
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