'Aamir and I. [for fifteen minutes]

the boy popped by for a visit yesterday. we had the best sandwiches i've ever tasted, and coke which his stomach was not able to digest.

A metaphor not worth reading.

it just breaks my heart to walk past the places where i'd wanted to go. but have no authorised access to. it just pains me, to imagine myself being able to go there. but in reality, i'm not.

it feels like i'm lost. i know where i'm going, but i'm not even sure what i'm doing here. i know i'm heading north. but what am i gonna do once i'm there? why am i even here in the south?

o well. at least here where i am, i get to gain experience, acquaintances; what i never once expected to obtain. at least i know i am gonna continue walking; because i havent got what i wanted.

i will keep on walking. til i get to where i really want. for now wherever my destination is, i'll get there, complete what i must, and then i'll head towards where i really want to.

i just hope, that by the time i get to the north, i still have the same desire to go where i want to right now.

____

am in class now. just a quick update. smell ya later!

A new semester.

opens new post

remember back in our childhoods when we were kids getting all worked up over Mew's clone because he was so powerful and so cool?

well, there is a rumoured new form of Mewtwo in Pokemon X and Pokemon Y.
and it looks like this.

a tail on the head! so c o o l!! :-)

SURF through seas, FLY through skies, ROCK SMASH and CUT through all obstacles, back to Kanto and hide in Pallet Town

____

Saturday, 6th of April, 2013

had one last date with 'Aamir. he's starting school on the 8th and he was gonna be real busy soon. as would i. so i just thought i'd better spend my off day with the boy.

he had a long journey through the North South and Circle lines before meeting me at Paya Lebar, and we made our way to Lavender to look for a street we've both never been to.

and the shop we were looking for was closed.

Bugis was our next stop, where we went to Cotton On; and he picked out a pair of jeans and a shirt for me {: where the hell can you get a boyfriend who picks out clothes for you?

tried them on and damn girl. for once i liked what i saw in the mirror. 'Aamir did a good job.

so i had a conversation with the salesgirl which i initiated, and i was telling 'Aamir about it when he gave a surprised smile and said; "you started a conversation?" and he gave me applause.

he kept staring at me and exclaiming, "you look so pretty today!" because i wore my hat like how i always did on our first few dates {: to ignite that memory, and spark the passion, you know?

sat at the staircase  snacking on fishballs, chicken wings and cheap apple juice before heading to Tampines to meet an Instashop owner.

'Aamir and i were really pissed at each other at this point of time. it was something i did, but i only got pissed at him because he was rejecting my advances to cheer him up.

in the end i got him a meal from Burger King and specially presented his chocolate sundae to him, before he decided he wanted to talk to me.

made our way to Woodlands, all the way in the green and red lines, to do a little bit more shopping before heading to the gym to meet Luke.

and that was the last time i hung out with 'Aamir before he started school.

____

Sunday,7th of April, 2013.

upon alighting from bus 3, i straightway ran down the street, across the road, and up the escalators, only slowing down to turn corners. and damn girl! i was still late for work! 

still, i did what i always do when i am late on Sunday mornings: slack. Shushan repeatedly came to me and exclaimed, "SLACKER!" i just laughed and practically dragged myself to do my work. 

even when we both had our things to do, i kept going to her and telling her about my date with 'Aamir the day before, and making her admit how adorable the boy really is :3 

the thing about the tuna puffs made me laugh til i was literally kneeling on the floor clutching my stomach!! holy shit that was priceless! 

when we were both done with our tasks, and there were no more customers coming in, i went down to get us bubble tea. the usual; i didnt have to say anything and the bubble tea lady already knew what i wanted, for myself and for Shushan. 

we were slacking back at the bakery, when Shushan received a text from Lady Boss. she read out loud; "lao ban shuo, yo kong, *some tasks that we were supposed to do on our own initiative*" 

and Shushan was like, "scary right? how she know we are free now? she got spy sia." 

so we decided to take a cloth and clean the shit out of every surface we could find. 

and yes! once again i got addicted to cleaning for a while there. Shushan kept stealing my best friend Cif from me, and kept meddling with the space that i was cleaning. we had so much fun that it didnt feel like work at all! 

during the night shift, though, there were so many customers coming and going, and although it was time for me to go, i decided to stay and help Shushan because she looked so stressed. 

we endured the endless waves of annoying customers, til it was 8, and i left when things were getting quiet again. 

and that was the last time i worked a whole day with Shushan. 

____

Monday, 8th of April, 2013.

came the day both 'Aamir and Shushan started at their respective new schools. i dragged myself to work, knowing Shushan wouldnt be there, knowing i would not be able to text 'Aamir. i felt so alone, i felt left behind. 

it felt like they were walking roads which i would never be able to reach. 

thats how alone i felt. 

____

Monday, 15th of April, 2013 - Friday, 19th of April, 2013

had brand new Converse on my feet, and on the Paya Lebar MRT platform, i took the train heading to Joo Koon instead of Pasir Ris; i was on my way to school instead of work, finally!

both 'Aamir and Shushan were texting me too; i was not alone after all. silly me to think i was getting abandoned. they gave me support i needed to feel confident about myself, and damn girl! i was early in reaching school :D 

my classmates were, initially, really quiet. annoyingly quiet in my humble opinion. you couldnt blame me for comparing them to my previous classmates, the chaotic 4/2 2011 and 5/1 2012. 

there is this one particular guy who caught my attention for looking really unamused. and when i say unamused, he really looks unamused. 

so unamused that it began to amuse me. 

the lunch with advisor on Thursday the 18th was awesome. by then most of us were in the class Whatsapp group, and when things got a little awkward, we do what we do when we are awkward... look at our phones. 

we were snickering here and there and occasionally burst into laughter throughout the presentation, til the advisor had to ask, "what are you all laughing about?"

and the unamused guy? his name is Shafie. and during that hour or so, he looked so darn amused. 

i couldnt stop giggling myself! this class is awesome. 1A1, just so you know :3

we chatted til 2 in the morning, the wee hours of Friday the 19th; and we got pizza together before school started. Shafie was looking smokin hot but damn, it started raining and we were all freezing. 

at least the rain stopped when it was time to make our way to school. arrived at the lecture hall early, and we all sat down to Whatsapp for a while, still giggling here and there XD 

when the briefings were over, Susan and i went to the poolside canteen, with Shafie and Qi Hong joining us a while later. the more i talked to Shafie, the more amused i was because he was so darn good at keeping that unamused face! 

the four of us hung out at the Grandstand to charge phone [Shafie] and look at people in their sports ccas [Susan]. talked a bit, getting to know each other, all the way til 8.30.

i'm starting to really love my current classmates. 

in the past, whenever i started in a new class, i would spend the first few days with the new classmates thinking and missing my previous ones. but 1A1 is different. i'm looking forward to school days with this great bunch of people. 

Poem for his first day of school.

Hey there, charming little prince.
Little girl calling you here from the East.
For granted i had taken your embrace.
And then three months passed without my notice.

Someone tomorrow is starting school.
Friends and environment, everything is new.
People and surroundings, probably scaring you.
But dont you worry babyboo.

With the lines above your mouth when you smile,
Underneath the eyes that are indescribable bright,
Head to the sky chin held high.
Yes boy you today are going to shine.

Eyes will look and some will judge.
Some will glance and wont think much.
Girls will turn and start to gush.
Some might even develop a crush ]:

Just look ahead and remember why you're here.
Dont dwell on the past, because those failures are over.
Ahead of you believe me is a bright future.
Advert your eyes to it, pretty as a picture {:

Wallowing in self pity i may be.
Not the perfect example for you to see.
But i'm not stopping here, and neither are you.
Im not giving up my dreams, so you'd better not too.

This is specially for 'Aamir Kamsari and anyone else who's starting in a new school tomorrow/soon.

Don't stop, no matter what you do. Cry and regret and get pissed at the education system all you want. But don't ever, ever stop moving forward.

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The right hand.

as a child, i was taught to always accept things with my right hand. especially money. every time an adult gave me money and i stuck out my left hand, Mommy would snap, "ambik dengan tangan apa tu?"

Granny also tells me all the time; "apa-apa tangan kanan. tangan kiri tangan syaitan."

now as a salesgirl, people pass me money every single hour of the day. those who don't follow this courtesy would still accept their change with the left hand, but i still make the effort to free my right hand to accept the money.

there is this particular customer who left an impression on me long ago in regards to this. he works at the barber's three shops away and he passes by the bakery to and fro regularly. once in a while he comes in and buys mineral water; occasionally a red bean bun.

he was talking on the phone when he paid, that one day, and i was giving him his change when he switched hands just so he could retrieve it with his right hand.

you may think it's nothing much but it left a deep impression on me. i told myself that i would make sure i will always accept money with my right hand, especially to this guy.

so two days ago, i was doing my work as always. it wasnt that crowded, it being a weekday. but i dont know what possessed me to be so hasty; i cut myself by accident, by hitting my hand on the corner of a sharp edge. with full force.

at first i felt the pain of  bruise, til i saw there was a cut, and a few drops of blood were sliding down. i stared, fascinated, until i realised that the blood was not stopping its flow.

plop, plop, plop. like the start of a drizzle, the blood dripped onto the floor. i crouched on the floor watching, not knowing what to do. and then someone called me over the counter.

i stood up. it was the barber guy. "oh, sorry, my bad." i laughed nervously. i hid my right hand behind me as it was bleeding profusely, and proceeded to take his money with my good hand, when i remembered how he had always accepted his change with his right hand.

i switched hands, and nervously stuck out my bleeding hand to him. as he was laying his coins into my hand, i withdrew it behind the ledge and more blood dripped onto the lower end of the counter.

he looked at me suspiciously and asked, "is something wrong?"

another nervous chuckle. "nothing, i'm just bleeding."

i walked over to the cash register afterwards, making more and more blood drip all over the floor. he walked behind the counter and took a look, and he paused for a second, taking in the sight.

"you need a plaster." he declared. he disappeared for a while and came back with tissues and Hansaplasts; cleared and covered the wound for me.

he asked me what happened and i tried to remember too but i couldnt seem to.

he went back to work after seeing that my wound was all wrapped up, and came back later to give me a few more plasters in case i needed them.


if it hadnt been for him, i would be at a loss of what to do. never had an accidental cut for so long, and not in public, so i wasn't very prepared for the massive blood loss.

i have many points for telling this story. not only the kindness of a stranger, but also the emphasise on safety at work, and the fact that if you keep a promise, it would help you more than you can imagine in future. 

i've been relying on my left hand for now, because parts of my right hand still feel numb, especially around the cut. i cant even hold a pen properly, so im forced to suspend my writing til it's fine again. o well.

it's a struggle to push up the shutters, you know! 

Bringing up the past a while.

Where was he when i needed him? Wasnt it his mistakes, wasnt it his trail of gasoline? Wasnt it his mess; wasnt it his responsibility to clean up?

I called. I texted. I waited underneath his void deck. Hoping, just hoping, that he would just look at me and help me. That he would know what is going on with me and understand that i needed him the most.

But no. He never looked at me. He had left, and i pushed everyone away, and he wouldnt even look at me.

Now, 2013. I have you. You always have your eyes on me. But... You still talk to your ex-girlfriend so regularly. Someone from your past. Is she alone? Is she an island isolated from the people she thought she could count on?

I was ignored when i really needed the one who left me. Why should i give someone from YOUR past the privilege of having your eyes on her, when you are mine now? Why should i let you talk to her, why? Tell me why.

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Beyond saving.

I will never forget how you both kept hitting me without listening to me first.

I recall how she always hit me with a hanger, and he with his belt. ...Oh, i was the one who got him that belt for his 45th birthday.

It was unfair. Not only were they never there for me, but they never tried to listen to me when i had problems. Oh he said i could go to him if i had problems. So i told him. All he could do was hit me.

"Patut ah, tak belajar, selama ni kau keluar dengan jantan!" i remember his words, shouted from my bedroom door. As i laid on the bed clutching my stomach.. "Kalau dapat itu jantan aku rembat habis ah."

I didnt want to go to school because it was getting pointless.. He didnt listen to what i had to say. He only presumed that i was losing interest in my studies. What did he know.. He never looked behind the bedroom door.

All he cared was the competition between him and his many siblings. It was obvious from the very start. He kept pressuring me to go Jc. Mommy told me it was because.. If i did, i'd be the first among his brothers and sisters' children to have made it.

I dropped art on purpose so i'd only have 5 subjects. So i wouldnt have enough subjects to go to Jc. It was a rash decision but at that time i really didnt know what else to do..

Do you still remember..? When he thought i was being cocky just because i was taking O levels. "Dia ingat dia O levels je dia dah boleh pijak kepala kita." what did he know.. He didnt know i was way behind my classmates and i was aware of that.. THATS why i wanted to study so bad.. Is that "cocky"..?

And she.. When she carried me in her stomach did we not create any bond? Why does she understand my brothers but never me? I thought she would dote on me the most because i was a girl. She used to call me her "sweetheart darling honey".. And her nickname for me: "Nure'in". When was the last time she called me that in her affectionate tone? Is it just a childhood thing?

Why did she like to hit me? Why did she enjoy insulting me? Why did she give her attention only to her sons and not me? Why did she not notice that i was cutting? Was the blood all over the sleeve of my uniform not enough?

17 years, they raised me.. Was that not enough to notice if there was anything wrong with me?

Why did my elder brother received help and their attention when he already announced wanting to drop out of school? Why was my younger brother immediately sent to the hospital whenever he had a high fever?

Why was i shunned when i made it to Sec 5, an O levels year? Why was i not bothered with when i was sick, presumed to be pretending so i could skip school?

I never understood why they always came searching for me when i ran away in rebellion to their negligence. Like i used to say; "dont bring home an injured cat if you've no idea how to treat it."

They should be happier now. They have one less mouth to feed. A useless girl out of the family. A ghost out of that God-damned house.

I still dont understand why they hated me so much.

But it's okay. They dont own me anymore. I'm just an injured cat. They're sending me away, my aunt's place is like a vet, take care of me and heal me, or put me to sleep for all they care, so they can say "It really was beyond saving already."

I am beyond saving.

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Crappy quotes.

You know writing is all i have.

It's what i've ALWAYS had.

It was my friend in primary school. It was my solace in solitude. It was my pride and joy.

I dont mind getting criticised for everything else in this world; my lack of looks, my lack of intelligence, my lack of musical ability, my lack of athletic ability.

I dont mind being looked down upon for not being good in certain things.

So dont ever hinder me for the ONLY thing in this god-damned universe that i AM good at.

Writing is all that i have.

It's all i fucking have. Get that into your head.

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Not too much cheese or he'll puke.

now that i've a boyfriend, i havent been blogging about intelligent stuff much. all i can talk about here is how wonderful our dates are and how incredible our time spent together is. 

that's so cheesy. 

i still remember what was 'Aamir's Twitter bio when we first met, up to this day. i like cheesy jokes but not too much cheese cause it makes me puke. 

so this boy was supposed to work but he fell sick his first day on the job and the lady boss told me to send him home, one hour after he started. so i did. and he puked a lot!

you know how in Pokemon contests the trainers make their Pokemon combine their attacks to create something new, something for presentation. well 'Aamir combined Waterfall and Mud Sport and let it flow through to the toilet bowl, letting me be the judge of that show. 

ok that was a silly metaphor. 

took 969 from Tampines to the other end, Woodlands, and he was already wrapped up in my hoodie but he was still shivering, the poor boy. 

i felt bad for being unable to send him all the way home; he lives in Johore after all. 

i'd spent another whole day with him again the other day. we met in the North, Marsiling to be exact, at 8 in the morning because he wanted to go for a run. 

got some soya milk thing which we drank while walking to Woodlands Sports complex, and halfway i already wanted to surrender. 

"can i not run?" i kept asking. and each time he answered with a frustrated look which said don't you dare back out on me. 

upon arriving at the sports complex he made me change into his tshirt and shorts and his first reaction was "so cute!!" stuffed our phones and wallets into the locker and walked out to the field, and yes, my Axes. i ran, ok? i really did! without stopping! 

i ran 1/6 of the number of rounds 'Aamir ran. 

and 'Aamir ran 6 rounds. 

he could really run, and i'm surprised at that! really. 

so we separated to our respective changing rooms and i was done with cleaning myself up so i went over to the guys'. the whole lane was deserted so i just stood there by the door, and there he was, checking himself out in the mirror and adjusting his hair. 

i was just staring at him, thinking how cute he was when he turned, saw me, and jerked hard, exclaiming "HO! MAK KAU TERKEJUT!"

i swear i did not mean to scare him at all, but his reaction was priceless!!! you should have seen how he jerked in shock! i should have recorded that shit, damn it! i couldnt help giggling each time i remembered, and up til now it makes me giggle in memory. 

we explored the purple line mostly, first we headed to Hougang where i collected something i bought online; these keychains of Red's and Pikachu's sprites; gave the latter to 'Aamir. 

our last stop was Serangoon where we took a walk through Nex and sat at the library a while. by then it was 6 in the evening and we decided to go one last stop; Cotton On. 

i made him try on some of the "2 for $30" printed tees at the guys section, and when he showed me he had this proud grin on his face as he declared "i like it!" 

and then he exclaimed, "i like this shop! why havent i came in here before!?" with that smile of his and the lines at the corners of his mouth. too adorable.

headed to the Mrt station and took the Circle Line to Bishan, where we took the red line to Choa Chu Kang. and that was when we parted. 

days with 'Aamir are the best. 

when i'm with him i don't need to be anywhere else.

the time spent with him i'll always remember. 

even years down the road; this i assure. 

ok, too cheesy. wouldn't want the boy to combine his Waterfall and Mud Sport again. 

If they could read this now.

Now playing: The Script - If You Could See Me Now

The man called Father. And the woman called Mother. The two most important people who contributed significantly to our existence.

Did that give them a right to take my life as their own? Is it right for them to have expectations of me, to be proud of me or disappointed with me. Did they have the right?

My parents practically tossed me aside during my critical period back in 2012. Why? Because i disappointed them. Because i wasnt making them happy. So they decide; "i dont regard her as mine anymore."

If they could just abandon me during my failures, why should i regard them during my success?

Mommy locked me out of the house when i came back late from a study session. She vented her anger on me in the middle of my exam period.

Yet she had the guts to come over to my aunt's place, where i was living, and demand my O levels results slip.

Daddy was always working and didnt understand modern things. He did not understand that i needed friends and that i could not be alone anymore. He kicked me out when i stayed up overnight with my classmates.

Right. You're gonna say they're still my parents no matter what, and that they gave birth and raised me all my past 17 years. And that yes, i was young and stupid and wrong.

You know how tongues wag; "her parents didnt raise her properly", if eyes see an attitudinal teenager. Yes, it is true. My parents never raised me right. They did went wrong somewhere.

I just dont know where.

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The ginger cat's lullaby.

Buai laju-laju
Sampai hari petang.
Orang banyak lalu
Ginger tinggal seorang.

A song which my grandma sings to lullaby our ginger cat to sleep. It obviously has another meaning to it. One which describes me and my entire life thus far.

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I made a promise i will not fulfill.

"sit down. I need to talk to you."

I let go of the swing that Halia is lying in and turn to face my aunt. She turns off the radio as i take a seat by the dining table, legs up as usual.

When all is silent apart from the creak from Halia's swing, my aunt says; "do we give you any problems E'indah?" in that gentle-and-threatening-at-the-same-time tone. You know, the tone which makes you unsure of what it is you have to answer.

I shake my head.

"let me ask you then: what time did you work yesterday?"

"8 to 8 something."

It is a lie. But she can't know that. I've promised not to tell.

"why did you lie to us E'indah?" she asks again, expression unchanged. "you were 'sick' yesterday were you? You had yesterday off right?"

"I was supposed to work. But she gave me a day off."

"So why didn't you come home then?", to which i kept quiet.

She tells me how she had gone to talk to my lady boss at my workplace, how she had been told that i had the day off because i was apparently sick.

"Why did you lie to us E'indah? Do you know," her tone increases menacingly, "that the people i hate most are liars?"

She tells me how she used to beat her son up for lying.

I recall the times my own mother beat me for other little reasons. For anything but lying.

Whatever my aunt says after that recollection becomes a blur.

"i didnt want to tell your grandma but i had to. I dont want to keep things from her."

"do you really want to drive us to our graves quicker?"

"i went through all the time and trouble to take care of her health and you want to destroy my effort?"

"why do you like to be alone?"

"this house is not the same as your previous house where nobody cares. This is your home now and everyone here loves you so much."

"do you really want to prove your parents right when they told us about the insolent devil that they think you are?"

She tells me to apologise but my refusal comes in the form of ignorance and silence.

My grandmother comes in and my aunt says; "take her hand and kiss it, and say sorry. Promise you wont do it again. Please."

I still refuse to the point of her increasing her voice. I cant help getting scared... And i do as i was told.

Tears are sliding down my cheeks as much as i am trying not to cry. Strange how tears are a sign of your weakness yet they are always winning over whatever strength you have in you.

"do you ever want to go back to your house E'indah?"

I gather the strength to say: "Never."

Help; not punishment.

What happens when you find the body of a dead child in the playground? What would you do if the one guilty is none other than another child, not much older than the deceased?

What if he had no valid reason for the murder? What if it WAS intentional, and that he really is a violent child? Would you declare him guilty in court?

You do. You declare him guilty of murder. You lock him in juvenile detention, where he wastes his time away as punishment for his crime. Where he is exposed to other dangers, other kinds of pain; for what he had done to another boy.

But halt. This child, this murderer, has gone through more than you think. He has gone through more violence than you can imagine. His mother's boyfriends abused her, after she killed his father ruthlessly in front of his very eyes.

Does this boy deserve to be charged guilty of murder?

When a child commits murder, what he needs is not punishment; but help.

Think about it. And not only in the literal sense.

You dont leave someone because she's not religious. You stay with her and show her what's right and wrong. You know how stubborn she is; like every little boy who's seen more violence than he should.

But if you really want to help her,... If you really love her; would you not stay and hold her hand throughout her repent? 

When a child commits murder, what he needs is help, not punishment.

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Two months together.

i'm really sleepy right now actually, but i shall blog because 'Aamir was just complaining to me about my lack of updates here. i haven't been writing in my diary too, believe it or not, because i've been either too busy working or too tired from working.

i got drunk at work yesterday and i got terrible scoldings from the lady boss about every single thing i did or didn't do. she decided to give me a half day today, seeing how tired i looked.

took a train to Bugis and i sat on its platform, watching the many trains pass to and fro. when the millionth train heading to JooKoon was nearly leaving, a hand grabbed my arm and i was pulled towards the doors, just in time, as they closed behind me.

"hey," he said; a boy named 'Aamir.

he gave me my hat, which i had entrusted upon him a few weeks back because he said he wanted to personally handwash it. in return i gave him the earpiece i had bought for him, a beautiful red and black Sony which he initially refused to accept.

he did eventually, and i watched our reflection as he leaned in to kiss my cheek.

we had lunch at a Wendy's at Orchard, where it was freezing! even his hoodie [mine actually, since i was the one who gave it to him] wasn't enough. what's more he ordered ice-cream for whatever reason, the damn barrel. [although i can't deny that it was delicious]

our initial plan of seeing each other was to head to Bishan, so we did. the first thing we looked for was The Wallet Shop, because 'Aamir had lost his. stood in there for quite some time before picking out one which really described him!

we walked around some more but there were really no bags that caught my eye. he pulled me to Royal Sporting House where there were a few pink ones, which he kept persuading me to get.

i kept wandering off to Artbox and Popular to look at the notebooks and books, but he dragged me to the arcade; the more i resisted, the harder he pulled.

we played Silent Hill first, familiar because i'd watched our Pewds play it. that one was awesome til we got to the point where we both died.

i've never really liked arcades but it was really fun, i have to admit.

and so... he pulled me to RSH once more and tried to coax me into buying the backpack he'd pointed out earlier. knowing i liked pink, he picked it out for me and told me to try it. i told him i do like pink, but it doesn't suit me. and so didn't the other colours.

"what about blue?" he asked, already looking tired. then his face lit up; "it's the colour of your Squirtle!"

and that was enough reason for me to get the blue one.

sat aside to change backpacks, removed all the rubbish and transferred the shit that i still use. 'Aamir hung my Squirtle and Pikachu together, and it pissed me off because 1. now Squirtle doesn't stand out because my bag is blue as well 2. Water-type and Electric-type?? are you kidding me? Pikachu is gonna kill my Squirtle.

he sang for me some One Direction songs, knowing how much it annoys me.

walked to the mosque, where he did his Maghrib prayers with a bunch of others. i sat at the bus stop watching, and i couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes in memory of the fact that i've never done that all my life.

walked to Bishan Mrt station talking about the least important things in our lives, and that was when we realised the date.

"it's our monthsary!!!" he exclaimed.

it's been two months since we got together. and i never realised how that time has passed so quickly.

we parted with our earpieces dangling down our fronts, his new wallet in his pocket and my new backpack hanging from my shoulders. along with a slight grin at the corner of my mouth.

and that, my Axes, was how i had spent my second monthsary with none other than 'Aamir.

[just so you know i rarely give a shit about monthsaries.]

but he's such an adorable boy and i can't help it.

Tertiary education worries.

how long have i not blogged? it's been nearly a month or so; that's long compared to the past where i'd find time to blog every single day.

it's March now; that was quick. i could have sworn it was just December yesterday. 

i've said this many times: this is 2013. i'm happy with the way things are, namely my residence in Guillemard and my relationship with 'Aamir Kamsari. 

i didn't have them in 2011 because i had other people to call my "family" and "boyfriend". i didn't have them in 2012 because i was hell bent on my solitude, believing in my misanthropy. \

i don't want things to ever change, but i know that's not possible. this happiness will only last for a while, and i can't deny that. i have to accept it. 

anyway, it's a month or so away from the start to my tertiary education. i still can't believe it; having gone through my O levels: that still feels like a dream. 

the new school year in a new school stirs worry for three things: the school fees, the mutual trust between 'Aamir and i, and my social awkwardness. 

just a few days ago, my aunt and uncle were talking about heading to this organisation to legalise my aunt as my guardian. my parents are not gonna be responsible for my school fees anymore; and it's impossible to have me pay for them on my own.

my lady boss has talked to me and she told me how many China girls have been waiting to get a job at the bakery. she said she was keeping a spot for me on Sunday mornings and holidays once school starts because she knows how i need the money. 

we all know how my previous boyfriend had left me a little after his first year in ITE started. maybe it was because he didn't have time for me anymore, maybe because it was another girl, maybe because he just wanted to focus on his studies. 

'Aamir and i are going separate ways, two different schools; i know 'Aamir will definitely look at other girls. but i don't want any particular one to get too close to him. 

i know it sounds silly, but i really don't want that to happen, no matter how little time we both have for each other in the future. yes, i'm being a silly girl right now. but you can't blame me. not when you have a really cute and funny guy as your boyfriend. 

ah... my social awkwardness. my good old social awkwardness. who would forget my first job where i didn't talk to anyone unless they talked to me; or my cousin's wedding dinner where i sat alone in the corner watching everyone socialise with each other, ignoring my presence?

first day of tertiary school is not the same as back in secondary 1 where everyone was all friendly faces. now i'm facing a judgmental society where one wrong move leads to a thousand wrong first impressions. 

i don't want to care about it, but i have to. because i don't want my tertiary years to end up like my sec 5 year, where i didn't get to focus on my studies just because i didn't have any friends to confidently interact with during lessons. 

yes, i can't deny that i didn't like being alone in school. i have to do my best to make friends in the poly life; to be myself; but not to the extent that would make people dislike me. 

we all know that my "true" self is a very unpopular person. 

it's a long road ahead of me, and i have to change the way i see things. if not, this ride is gonna be uncomfortably bumpy.

am i aware? yes. am i prepared? yes. but am i ready? no. 

A sage for this relationship.

You've got to admit; he's an adorable boy isn't he?

Had gone to the airport with 'Aamir again today. I used to keep track of the number of times we meet, but i've lost count now; we've been seeing each other so much, and i don't give a shit about the number of meetings anymore.

"Love" is an understatement. After my past: the infinite "I love you"s i'd told my exes, members of the clique i used to be in, my parents; "love" is an insult when it comes to my feelings for 'Aamir.

I've been fond of him since the day we first met at the airport. I liked him more and more with each meeting. It was not love. It was never love. It was... Flowery.

Like how every flower has its meaning attached to it: hazels for reconciliation, daisy for innocence, and the most common of knowledge, red rose for love.

Every meeting of ours, every compliment we give each other, every argument we ignore each other for. There were reasons for all that; the hidden meaning each one holds.

My feelings for him is not "love". My feelings for him are liatris, daphne, pink carnation, chrysanthemum. And plenty of others. Our relationship is not just hearts but flowers as well.

Because every little thing that happens, no matter how small it seems to the ones who aren't part of the passion; holds a meaning behind it. It's not just "i care for you because i love you", or "i fight for you because i love you" anymore.

Instead, it's "i want you to fight for yourself because i know you are strong."

A sage for this relationship; and for me, and for you. Insha Allah.

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This is 2013.

so it's been a month since 'Aamir and i got together; a month since the day we first met at the airport. and about two since he followed me on Twitter and gave me a bad first impression.

i never thought i would ever meet someone like 'Aamir. in the past, when i was with Irshad and still brooding over him, i told myself so many times that i would never find someone like him.

people were telling me it's because i'd meet someone who is better than him. i kept shaking my head in denial, believing with all my heart that there would never be anyone funnier, or cuter, or braver, or stronger, than he was.

but here i am. with a boy named 'Aamir.

we've not known each other for long, but it feels like we've known each other, and only each other, all our lives.

as much as i'm happy with the fact that we're always talking about our future like we have a clue; a part of me tells me that it's not because we love each other that makes me want to spend the rest of my life with him.

just like the dreams i have at night, or the inference questions we used to do in Social Studies; the lesser i know, the more possibilities there are. that's why i keep thinking that 'Aamir and i can be together as long as i want to: because we don't know shit about each other.

i can't deny that this boy was one of the faces i had seen when i was going blind, one of the hands who had grabbed me when i was falling off the cliff of hardships. and as each day passes, he's always saving me from all kinds of abysses which i force myself to drown in.

but i feel like i still have a lot to learn about him. and vice versa. how would he react if he sees how ugly i really am? what would his response be to the stories of my past, of my inhumane thoughts, of the craziness that lay beneath my hat?

was being excited on the North South Line again yesterday [had accidentally referred to the Red line as North East in my previous entries], especially my personal favourite; Yio Chu Kang to Khatib. at one point of time, it did feel like an aeroplane, when one side went a little higher than the other! nevermind.

i'd arrived right on time, two minutes after the designated time that 'Aamir and i were supposed to meet. took a walk through Causeway Point to the other side, observing the people whom i called "Northern".

i felt so foreign there. i'm not sure how to describe it but there was something that distinguished the girls on the North side from the girls back home in the East. forgive this exaggeration, o fuck it.

upon our union, the first thing 'Aamir wanted was a posb machine, which we went to the basement to look for. i got excited when i saw The Icing Room, and he did too, knowing how i'd gotten addicted to its puffs a few days before.

i bought two of the chocolate ones and gave him a try, to get him a little addicted to it as well. bumped into Famous Amos next, and i'd wanted to buy some too but decided not to.

we settled for sushi and black pepper chicken from Cold Storage though, and were looking for beverage stores like Gongcha or Each A Cup [me snapping at him, "how could you not know anything, this is your turf."] when he pointed out a Sweettalk right in front of us.

"you ah, cari dengan hidung.", said he.

'Aamir brought me to this place called Woodlands Town Garden, where there was a huge canal which he had shown me in a video once.

it had a nice view, in the humble opinion of a jakonist. trains were passing to and fro, and there were nothing but sky and trees; in comparison to my past where i mostly looked at only the sea.

 he sat on the brick ledge with me against it, propped between his knees, and we sang to the songs he was playing on his phone. it started to drizzle but we stayed there til it stopped.

the currents of the water flowing in the canal were really strong, and it reminded me of Heavy Rain where the Origami Killer's brother died beneath the bridge. i tried to cross it, the bridge in reality, but i didn't have the courage, though 'Aamir had managed to leapt across the raging current.

we walked some more, til we got to this really dark and deserted lane where i decided to roam ahead while 'Aamir wasn't noticing. by the time he saw that i wasn't by his side anymore, i was already by a corner which i turned after looking at him for a sec when he called out to me from afar.

i heard him running, his footsteps echoing down the hallway, and i decided to pick up speed as well. i knew it would piss him off, but i just hid behind a wall and watched him frantically looking for me.

when i finally went to where he was, he had his back toward me as he withdrew some cash from the posb machine, and i stood there looking as innocent as i could. he saw me and asked, "where did you go???" to which i answered, "i was waiting for you?", pretending that game of hide-and-seek hadn't happened at all.

had a really quick bite at the side of the road, stuff that we bought from 7-11, gulped down with a bottle of caramel latte or whatever the hell that was, before making our way to the mosque.

okay, fine, so i just waited outside while he went and did his Asar prayers. while waiting for Maghrib, i told him a little about my childhood, and, it seemed that this story made things a lot clearer for him.

it did otherwise for me; i started to cry and my vision was blurred.

he did his Maghrib prayers before we took the bus to Marsiling station where we took a train back to Paya Lebar. we watched PewDiePie and i really could not help laughing!

so honestly, as much as i had wanted 'Aamir to meet my cats, i was so doubtful in letting him see the condition of my house.

i watched him look around the living room and i could tell he was already judging, so i shoved the cats under his nose and forced interaction between them.

funnily though, all of them took an immediate dislike towards him [Tilda and Snowball immediately ran to the storeroom while Halia and Tanda wouldn't stop hissing at him] except for none other than Zorro, who kept sniffing and following 'Aamir around.

i can't forget the image of''Aamir dancing in front of the storeroom while the cats were staring at him with this O.O look on their faces! oh 'Aamir. oh cats.

brought him to my room where he looked around again, and told him this was where i slept. he looked stunned for a moment, before saying quietly, "i feel... sad."

i answered; "this is my home."

he snatched my hat off my head, and announced, "okay, come. we solat Isyak together. i teach you how to take wudhu first." and he did.

it looked so beautiful, us standing with the sejadah laid underneath his feet, me with this doubtful look on my face and him looking serious as he taught me the positions and prayers. i mimicked him as he recited the latter, until i was sure i wouldn't forget.

after all that, though, we lied down on my mattress; my makeshift bed, arms tucked by our sides and eyes out the closed and dusty window.

i told him about the night when the line between the parallel worlds were blurred; when i woke up to see that i was back at Pasir Ris, thinking that my residence at Guilley was just a dream... right before i woke up yet again to find myself back at Guilley for real.

sent him off at 11, and when he finally got a cab, he stood by the open door and stared at me with this sorrowful look in his eyes.

i looked away. and he was gone.

i stayed there sitting on the railings, and i don't know how long i sat, as i didn't have my phone or watch to keep track of the time. i watched the world pass, humans on bicycles and cars honking at jaywalkers, the occasional crow sitting near me. tears down my cheeks and arms shivering as they struggle to give my shoulders support.

every morning, there'd be this guy at the petrol station who would cheer at me; "good morniiiing!" and every morning, i would just ignore him. but last night, when he saw me, he announced just as cheerfully like he always did, "good morniiiing!" despite it being almost midnight.

i couldn't help it, i had to look at him and smile, and he laughed. the other guy waved at me and asked for my number and a phone call, to which i refused with a shake of my head and a grin. as i walked towards my home, he stood up and yelled out, "at least tell me your name!"

i didn't. because it's contradictory of what i really am.

____

i need to start anew. all that had happened in the past, yes, all that led me to where i am today. and i'm happy being here.

my aunt has saved me from the abuse and lack of gratitude from my parents.

my granny has saved me from the negligence of my brothers.

'Aamir has saved me from the heartache caused by an ex boyfriend.

and God has saved me from the hover of razorblades above my shoulder.

these are all my saviours, people whom i'd long tried to push away, but still continued to hold on to me. all that's left is for me to save myself.

i still need to let go. my time of hardships, my struggles, the pain i had inflicted upon myself; that was 2012. the happiness of being with seven girl best friends, outings with all five family members together, dates with an amazing boyfriend; that was 2011.

i am a month late in realising this; but this is 2013.

letting go is a task that was long due. i shall do my best, to fulfill this beginning now.

My Lunar New Year Eve.

it feels good not having to wake up at 6 in the morning today! it feels good not having to go work on a Sunday!

here i reside, once again in solitude, but not at that house. instead, i am at my new home, alone here for the first time ever. had just spent one lonely night without my grandma and uncles in the house. at least i had the cats.

this is how my Lunar New Year Eve had gone.

2013 is the year of the snake. or as i'd like to say: the year of the ekans.

i woke up at 4 in the morning and was reading through my old conversations with 'Aamir when all the cats suddenly came into the room. Tilda stood next to me but i didn't see anything amiss because that's what she always does.

i saw that she was pawing at something that looked like a leaf, right by my head, and i started fingering at it when it moved out of my touch. i turned on the light, suspicions arising, and fuck me, just as i thought: it was a cockroach. and it was right at my face.

woke up for work unusually sleepy, and i didn't want to get up til Tilda had to come in and keep slapping her paw on my face before i could. it was a half day because the shop was closing at 1.

i was reaching Pasir Ris when Shushan called asking how to unlock the shop; not only that, but she didn't know how to pull the shutters up too.

whenever i push the shutters up, i don't use that stick thingy to do so, because it is for pussies.

by the time i arrived, Shushan had already managed to open shop, but it was quite a sight to see her washing the trays in the dark. she didn't know how to turn on the lights! it was unusually stuffy too; she hadn't turned on the air-con.

set things right before setting my backpack down and getting to work. Shushan washed all the shit while i cleaned the glass and counters and whatever else that needed the scrub.

i believe, for that few hours, i'd found an obsession in cleaning. and i found a new best friend that i brought with me everywhere: Cif.

honestly, i find my workplace a bit too hazardous for a bakery. i've been cutting and bruising and burning myself by accident a lot at work. i did too, yesterday, despite not doing much and just cleaning here and there.

the glass had lost balance off its hooks and dropped a few inches down, its edge glazing across the skin of my hand. if it hadn't been for my hand, the glass would have chipped, or shattered even. but if the impact had been a bit more, my hand would have been injured as fuck. idk which'd've been worse.

i was cleaning and cleaning, again and again, at whatever surfaces i could find. and while Shushan stood there literally staring at customers, i bent down to clean the drawers and underneath the counter. i was... addicted... to cleaning.

Boss came with nasi lemak for us, which he had passed to Shushan without a word. he went to the toilet afterwards and the two of us were debating whether we should eat it or not.

are you sure he bought this for us? what if not? but what if it is? wouldn't it be stupid if he comes out of the toilet to see that we still haven't touched it? *pokes styrofoam box with one finger*

working with Shushan was really fun. there were a lot of orders which customers were coming in to collect, and the receipts pasted on the plastic bags were to make things easier for us; so we could easily see which belonged to who.

we were supposed to collect back these receipts, not give to the customers; Shushan had forgotten to retrieve the one from the customer she served, and i scolded her to chase after him, which she did, all the way. that was amusing!

came a time when i went and gave another customer his orders, and i happily sent him off his way, when Shushan exclaimed; "receipt!" she yelled at me to chase after him, which i did, all the way, and boy was that quite a work-out!

when i came back Shushan was serving some other customers with this really stupid smile on her face. she was controlling her laughter, and so was i; though i surrendered to it and released it right there in front of them all.

so i was once again wiping my clothes across the countertop when Boss came out with two red packets in his hand and a smile on his face, both of which was passed on to mine.

he told us we could leave already, and i wished him Happy New Year while he went out to the freezer and gave us ICE-CREAM!!!!1

so Boss closed up shop and, eating our corn [me] and red bean ice-cream, Shushan and i made our way to Shengsiong where i met one of the bakery's regular customers. he was always coming to buy bread and always requesting, "ehrm no need plastic bag."

he was already looking at me when i saw him, and we grinned at each other upon recognition. he was at the counter i'd gone to, and was about to put our liquor into a plastic bag when i teased him; "ehrm no need plastic bag.", and he laughed.

headed to Shushan's place where i announced to her family xin nian kuai le or how it's supposed to be spelt. that was when we realised; "we forgot to clock out!"

"yeah lah, you see nasi lemak, see hongbao, see ice-cream, all forget already." said Shushan.

she had opened hers and said she only received ten bucks. we jokingly said that mine would probably be twenty, and when i took a peek into mine, i exclaimed, "twenty!"

she made vulgar sign with her hands to which i responded with a mock shock face. removed the notes from my red packet and showed her, and she got so worked up over it!

followed her to Tampines where she bought two pairs of shoes from Rubi. while i waited for her to pay for her purchases, i sat there watching all the girls around me.

all the girls were dressed with a thought, while there i sat with whatever i found just tossed over my head with a pair of torn jeans.

they had hair which was shiny and combed and coloured, pulled back to show their eyes while there i was with mine tangled and black, all over my face with loose strands down my back.

they had nice pairs of shoes, gleaming and new, and still buying new pairs, while there i stood in my tattered ones, once dusty and forgotten at the back of my cupboard.

these thoughts left me feeling small. those girls would have looked at me, envious of my height, but at that moment, i felt i was the smallest one of them all.

went to the basement of Tampines One where i got myself milk tea and puffs from The Icing Room. they were delicious! i'm in love with them now.

so i was telling Shushan how 'Aamir has always been showing me off to his friends while i hadn't been because i didn't have any, and then i got an idea. since Shushan is one of the only friends i have, why not introduce them both?

made my way home where i caught my granny and uncles just in time before they went off for Taman Anggerik. gran repeated everything she had told me before; turn off the gas, switch fans before sleeping, feed the cats, shower before heading to bed.

and that was that. i had the next three days all to myself.

today was boring, though i managed to finally catch up on PewDiePie. have made plans with 'Aamir for tomorrow, had thought of spending time with him here today but he couldn't make it. can't wait to see him then!

have been watching Pokemon Black and White and boy did i have a lot to complain about.

i'm gonna visit the Tanjong Katong flower market soon. maybe Heath for solitude or the common thistle for mistrust of humankind.

Misfortune and its therapy.

Heidiho my Axes. I'm not even sure if people still read my blog, but what the hey.

Am currently on the train back to Paya Lebar, all the way from Jurong East, which station i thought to be really cool. Just parted with none other than 'Aamir.

He had came and slacked at my workplace with me early in the morning, all the way from Johore. Unfortunately i couldn't get a half day, causing 'Aamir to have to wait about 7 hours.

When i was finally able to get to him he was cranky already; we ran for bus 3 because it was the only bus to the mrt station, and that was when we discovered that he was missing his ez-link card.

"as if the sudden adult fares weren't bad enough," he said. "now i have to lose my ez link card too."

We got to orchard where he'd wanted to collect his pay because otherwise he wouldn't have any money for his transport; it serves inconvenience for him to be living in Johore. We ran in the rain, pushing past measly humans and dashing across the busy roads, only to be told that 'Aamir couldn't collect his pay today.

Disappointed, and refusing to accept the unfairness, we sat in the rain for a while before getting up to make our way to Ion Orchard.

"I wish i could just push everyone aside right now," he growled under his breath as we watched the swarms of people walking around and into us. "Can't they see that i am pissed off?" i couldn't blame him.

I didn't know what to do; i've never been good with cheering people up. I was afraid of doing anything. An arm around his shoulder could lead to a harsh shrug. Whatever i say could be disregarded with a frown.

Eventually we went for his way of therapy; vanilla ice-cream. I was protesting against it at first because i didn't like vanilla. But it seemed to be the only way to make him happy: the poor kid had been waiting for me since 10 in the morning.

The trip from Orchard and on the North East line was amazing though. He was cheered up, and we stood by the window talking about the least important things in our lives; our past like it still mattered and our future like we had a clue.

We were acting like children, looking out over the reservoir between Yio Chu Kang and Khatib, with noses pressed onto the glass, me exclaiming, "because i am from the East that's why i'm jakon!!!" and him: "bestnya Singapore!!!"

Now as i sit here alone, with only strangers around me, rushing to complete this post before i reach Paya Lebar, i realise one thing: I've been blessed with a miracle that is 'Aamir.

I know it sounds cheesy and shit, but really. Our conversations from Orchard to Choa Chu Kang... I'll write another post about this soon; for now, i'm just gonna bask in the presence of this boy, because i'd never thought i would ever feel this radiant again.

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Haunt.

If i were a ghost, i'd haunt my hometown the way its ghosts did me.

I'd haunt my school and see what my previous teachers have to say about me, and see whether they have stories about my wasting of efforts to share to their current O Level classes.

I'd haunt the places where i shared memories with people whom i meant a lot to, and see whether they frequent the spot in remembrance of my friendship with them.

I'd haunt the boy i had clung on to for years to watch how his life goes on without me, and see whether he really does never think about me at all anymore.

I'd haunt the cousin who was there for me for the first 17 years of my life and watch her getting on with her life, with her schoolwork, and see whether she's ever talked to anyone about missing me, or asked anyone of my whereabouts.

I'd haunt the girl whom i promised a friendship forever with but whom i left, and see whether she really does hate me like she seems to.

I'd haunt the boys whose photos i keep in my diary, and see whether they still chuckle while playing the ps3 without me there watching.

I'd haunt the man and the woman who contributed to my birth, and who initiated my longing for death. I'd see whether they can live without their only daughter at home, whether they would realise how beautiful she really is after all these years of calling her ugly.

And i'd see if any of them regret, having not done anything despite my cries for help.

Now as long as i'm alive, all these memories will reside in me, and even my present with the people who loves and cares for me so much is a scar of the past.

If it hadn't been for my ugly past, i wouldnt have had any misery to be saved from, and i wouldn't be here where i am now.

As much as i doubt God, i know He always has reasons for doing whatever He does. I'm happy being where i am now; i just await the time when i wouldnt need to remember anything that i was long saved from.