Crazy cats and an idiot dog.

it's my twelfth night here at Guilley, and i've probably gotten used to everything here, the lifestyle, the routines, everyone here.

i do dream about the house back in Pasir Ris, but i don't miss it. i do wish i can see my younger brother, though, because i miss irritating him.

that said, i have six crazy cats here that i can irritate too, as well as vice versa. you have no idea how i love being in their presence no matter what they do.

especially when they're playing catching, they'll always crash into me i tell you. and even when they're sleeping, they'll always entertain me back when i wake them up.

they're all unique, all strange behaviours, and just weird. they can make you laugh so easily without even trying, just by being themselves!

i'm done babbling happily about them, for now, because i'm actually here to tell you a story which pretty much saddened me. and angered too, actually.

my aunt's workplace has lots of stray cats and she's always been feeding them. there's this one particular cat who is really swift, and she's always managed to escape the hands of the spca. but just recently she got pregnant, and her speed has declined because of that and she could hardly run.

my aunt says this cat, no matter how hungry she was for food, would always beg my aunt for love and attention first. only after my aunt pets or strokes her would she finally eat her food.

so earlier on she saw how a huge dog had escaped from its owner, and had entered the territory of my aunt's workplace. all the cats managed to run from it of course, but that pregnant cat wasn't so lucky.

the dog got to it, and my aunt was yelling from afar, its owner just watching, uselessly calling to its pet. by the time the dog went off, the cat was bleeding at her neck.

she died in my aunt's arms.

the dog's owner saw everything but the only thing he could say was he did train his dog well, he didn't know why it went berserk like that. that's a lousy excuse; if the dog is trained that well why didn't it answer to its owner's calls?

hearing my aunt tell this just made me hate dogs all the more. i had my own traumatic experiences with canines before too, but this story is just... sigh.

that's all i have to say for this, but just saying; as much as i love cats and detest dogs, i'd always preferred canines to felines in the Pokemon world. especially Arcanine.

bye. see you when i see you! blog when i blog.

Erewhile.

greetings. it's my ninth morning here at Guilley, i think? my apologies for not blogging yesterday, if you even noticed. i don't have any plans for today, as always i guess, so i shall now share with you my past few days.

my granny and i went back to the house at PR on Wednesday, to take more of my things which i had left behind, due to the rush when i got kicked out.

Mother was there, and so were my brothers. she and the older didn't give a shit about my reappearance as always, but the little one did. he hugged me when he saw me, and i'd wanted to cry but i shrugged it off.

headed to my bedroom, and saw that all my clothes had been stuffed into garbage bags. do you know how it feels? and you know me, a million possibilities would run through my head because of that.

so granny and i rummaged through to look for clothes to bring over back to Guilley. it was a mess, but i'm glad that none of my books or diaries were touched; if the latter ever were, i won't forgive any of them.

speaking of clothes, i've been blogshopping [or more like window blogshopping since i've never bought anything] on instagram, and damn, there were a dozen apparels which i really liked. these are a few, and if you would notice, most of them are knitted pullovers, because that is what i like.

rah i want more knitted pullovers, or anything long-sleeved!! there is truly #NoLoveForLongSleeves these days (': and also, look at these lace dresses, i find them so totally sweet.

and then yesterday i went shopping with Kak Siti again, this time for shoes. cause we all know that i don't own a single pair of decent heels.

we went to Tamp, and upon arriving she suddenly told me to stop smoking, and i was like, "how did you know?". she wouldn't tell me, but the only way she could have known was by reading my blog, so, hiiii.

anyway, we went to the Payless cause i told her about it, and i was showing her lots of really nice shoes with stick thin heels, til eventually she was like, "i think you'd better get wedges. cause i'm scared you'll fall."

i definitely would! and not a very pretty sight at your cousin's wedding, isn't it, so i began looking at wedges thingys. but the ones i picked out were, to her, either too informal or too "boot-y".

we also walked around the three malls, only to get back at Payless some eons later to go for a few more rounds down and around the aisles. in the end we got three pairs of shoes for only eighty bucks, would you believe it :D

bought kfc and made our way back. had my longing satisfied. 5tr444444

well, that's all i have to say for now i suppose. i don't have anything intelligent to say. as always. but damn, i need a job, because i want to get more clothes for myself. [i still have a bunch of popular vouchers so we can use that for books, and there's also the library, so yeah]

ok, see you when i see you. thanks for taking the time to read this, mua.

who doesn't like Trivium right? o, right: most of the people my age.

Nick of time.

i feel like giving up already, before i've even started. i always make decisions on impulse, it seems. why did i decide to repent without considering whether i really am sincere about it? why did i decide to move on when i know i would still be affected by the past?

call this running away if you must, because it is. i found out that i still havent gotten over the younger twin, and so i decide to run away from this.

i told you i'd be trouble. i understand if you don't trust me anymore because of this, for i myself dont trust me either.

i had this dream where he came back. like i'd always had, i'm clinging on to it with hopes that it would be reality someday. i don't think i'm letting go anytime soon; i may be weak for not moving on, but i think my holding on is a sign of strength.

don't bother fighting for me because it's not gonna be worth it.

p.s. shall blog about my past few days tomorrow.

Grant me this spotlight.

yes, i know i haven't been talking with you much lately. yes, i know i seldom blog or mention you anywhere. but think about it, does that really mean i don't care for you?

i did go up to you and asked what was wrong. isn't that better proof that i do care about you? what do some tweets or a blog post have on that? it's good enough that i want to care about you.

it's not my fault that you don't want to tell me what's wrong. i understand that you don't want to talk about it. you know what pissed me off the most? it's when you said i was more "curious" than "concerned". really, if i don't give a shit, i won't give a single shit.

woke up with a shock because i was supposed to get ready for the trip to the pet clinic. Tilda was really mad at all of us, and even more so when we were feeding her medicine.

so i was camwhoring with myself when Halia just came at me and started kissing me all over. i have no idea what he wanted!! he kept nuzzling himself onto my face, and it got pretty annoying eventually, though i laughed.

i just gave him a jumpscare on purpose, and he got so shocked til he hissed at me. XD you know the more i stare at all the cats here, the more i really think they're all nuts. i can laugh my head off just by standing in the middle of the hall and looking around at all of them.

so currently i've nothing interesting or intelligent to blog about. i'm here staring at this post, wondering whether to publish now or to wait for more stuff to happen so i can blog about my entire day at one shot.

or maybe i shall now post pictures of myself. my schoolmate Alisya [or ex, since i'm already leaving the school already] told me last night that i iz pretty, which made me cringe but so blissful at the same time.

and then she said that she is Solitary Author's #1 fan. ahh.... i love it when people dare admit that they read my blog, really. i get a lot of pageviews in one day but nothing makes me feel happier than having someone tell me that they read it.

Azreenie also reads my blog on a regular basis; it's like her newspaper, apparently. i love it when she quotes some lines from my blog on her Twitter, and i love it more when they get retweets.

i don't know la eh, but it'd be nice if my blog gets more recognition. i'm gonna be honest here, but when i tweeted about the "pretty girls stop writing cause that's all i have" thing, i was referring to naomi neo. it's like, yes, everyone thinks she's pretty, everyone's commending her looks all the time, liking her photos and whatever not.

and me? i'm far from that. writing is really all i have. blogging. so i'd like to have that spotlight, since other people have other things to gain recognition from.

writing out my stories, the things i've been going through, i don't know if they may seem attention-seeking to you or not. but it's all i know; to turn my pain into inspiration. it's what i look at as turning a weakness into a strength.

am i making sense? or am i gonna be deemed silly? either way, this is just what i feel.

p.s. i love my Axes. every single one of you.

Repent.

woke up to two good morning texts from two different people, which really surprised me. how long have i woken up knowing he was no longer mine, knowing my phone would be empty of notifications, a reminder that no one in the distance thought of me upon waking up.

i followed my aunt to Geylang Serai today, to do a little more of grocery shopping. first item on the list was ikan pari for the picky kitties. after we got all the market stuff, we headed to Joo Chiat where there was this little corner bookstore which i had never noticed before.

i checked out the novels first, since i've never seen so many Malay ones before. they had attractive enough summaries but i decided against it because there would surely be a dozen words which i wouldn't have heard of.

went over to where my aunt was, and there were plenty of books about Islam... i remember Syamirul having mentioned this before.

the keyword was "Taubat", but i couldnt find any decent ones. i remember seeing this book called "pintu taubat masih dibuka", something like that, from somewhere. either a movie or a dream, but i couldn't find anything like that too.

in the end, something caught my eye. but i didnt know what it meant so i asked my aunt, and her voice dropped when she answered. it's what comes and gets me in my death, she says. or something like that?

i dont know if the way she explained it had been subsidised on purpose just so a noob like me would understand better, but yeah. i get the hang of it, flipped through, and decided that it was what i'd get.

three bucks only by the way. 

i started texting Blue about it cause i was suddenly excited to change. yes, if you were to remember this post;  the path of Blue is actually the choice of Repent. i've no opposition word for the path of Black though, maybe Regret?

there were plenty of reasons as to why i'd made this choice, but the main reason was definitely my granny.

the second night of S11, she had called me numerous times but i didnt answer til i turned off my phone. the day i left Pasir ris, i heard Father talking to her over the phone while i was packing, telling her he'd had enough of me and blablabla.

"Mak nak sangat jaga dia, mak jaga dia. E'esa dah tak kuasa lagi nak tengok muka dia lah. biar mak jaga dia baru mak tau berapa jahat dia punya perangai." some shit like that, blablabla.

right after, she called me again and again, numerous times. i didnt answer. when my aunt called me, i did answer though, and she told me to go over. so i took the train, and i did.

upon reaching here, i beri salam. there was no answer. again and again, "Assalamualaikum," but there was no response. i called her on her phone just as much, but there was also no answer. i knew she was alone at home, she always was around that time.

i got really scared. i was already so fragile, i started crying non stop, i was so scared something happened to her. and i actually prayed to Allah, something i have not done enough of all my life.

tadah, my granny came out the door and was casually like, o HEY! she was in the toilet, that was all...

the next reason was more simpler, it was cause i overheard her talking on the phone with my aunt, telling her that she wanted to teach me how to solat and ngaji. [i seem to eavesdrop on adults' conversations a lot don't i] so yes, my granny is the main reason.

so, no tattoo for me. no more sinning for me. no more Black.

oh, i got so damn pissed with that damn barrel when i asked Syamirul more questions about the amalan thing. well fuckity fuck, who would have thought! grr.

i'm thankful for Syamirul; i told you already, i treasure the friendship with this guy, though i dont know why he so readily helps me all the time, and believes in me so. i'm glad he did though.

if there was ever one person in my life that i never regretted meeting, it has to be Syamirul.

so yes, my dear Axes, hiiii. i'm ready to change, to walk the path of Repent. because, i am a Muslim. i wouldn't be the most perfect role leader in society or whatever. but the least i wanna be is enough of a role model for my future children and grandchildren, so they would not end up like me.

but seriously though, how can you not like red eyes?

S11 night 2 and beyond.

so right after my previous post [which has been eons ago now] the chaos immediately rose to the height of a tower. [sorry for the cheem metaphor ah] you couldn't imagine.

sorry for low quality and lack of pictures k!!!

first was the thing about the glass, followed by the addictive silly games, skating/cycling, and then the shogunshadshit.

Asleah went off with a bike and i followed with Faiz's skateboard, and i think i actually got the hang of it. i just got so pissed off cos i still didn't know how to change direction. and a couple of times i fell off and the board went flying to some of the parked cars! good thing no alarm went off!

and then there was the music tempo ready go which i played with Shushan, Nabilah, Fazerah and Farhan. not only was it super addictive but the people made it so much funnier! i couldnt breathe at one point of time cause i was laughing so hard.

so when the laughter and chaos died down for a while, i went to the next chalet and called Black. he answered, but oddly i found myself at a loss of words. i asked where was he, and when he said he was at home, all i could say was, "don't hang up." but he did.

i have no idea what the hell was that ten seconds all about. afterwards i got tired and decided to leave the chalet. Faeez gave me a parting gift in the form of a cigarette. and i've no idea why but then i decided not to go back to my house at all.

and so i put on my earpiece and played my playlist titled "I", and yes i went to his fucking void deck. i walked the exact path which we had walked on the very last time we hung out. and you bet i started getting all emotional.

lit up Faeez's cigarette, and when that was done, i decided that heck it, i'm gonna smoke my own now. sorry, but all along i did have my own pack..

one stick after another; one memory after the other. tried not to remember; times that could've been forever.

the memories played out right in front of me, even those from all the way back in 2009. i dont know if it was a hallucination or not, but every time i smoked that much i'd see the younger twin you know.

i dont know what the hell i was doing there. once again, i was waiting, knowing that nobody would ever come. a dozen cigarette butts sat at my feet, ashes blowing in the slight wind. there were cats in the distance but i didnt want them near me, and neither did they.

as crazy as it sounds, i'd wanted to go up to his unit and freaking toss my lighter at the gate. just so he could see the 109 written on it and freak out or some shit. i dont know what put me against it in the end.

so then... i decided to make my way back to the chalet. by then it was around half past 12, about? when i arrived, Chengyong and Nicholas were playing with the chalet cat, and i decided to sit there and watch them.

we all played the game where we had to get 24, whose name i don't really know. i was really slow at first, but eventually there was one turn where i was the only one who got the answer. that made me happy actually :D

some people surrendered to slumber, excluding me of course. staying up with friends was a lot more fun than staying up on my own, definitely. Wanxuan, Chengyong, Cedric, Weiliat, Daniel Mustafa stayed up too, and Nicholas who woke up and couldnt sleep back.

moved from writing in my diary to talking with Nick, and it made me feel better. talked about myself mostly, my apologies for that. i missed him a lot, he was a very good friend of mine til i fucked up back in August or somewhere. heh. he was the one who taught me how to cycle :3

so anyway, watching Cedric and Chengyong so hyper made me smile a lot, and then Zikri came out and tossed Mentos over the wall, which started an entire new game.

i dont know where to begin to describe those minutes of tossing [them] and laughing [me]. o gosh, i really agree that being in the company of people like them is so much better than being alone in the wee hours.

yes, we all stayed up til the sun came out, and as much as i loved it, it was really killing me! it was a good bonding time with them, though.

and i went off for a walk a little before the sun rose high, and i liked what i saw. against the sun rising, there were these two ladies on a motorbike riding through the carpark, and a DOZEN chalet cats following behind them. such a pretty and happy sight!

i actually laughed to myself. and the lady who wasn't driving looked at me and actually smiled back at me. that was such a good start to the day.

but of course, everytime something starts off beautiful, it will end up otherwise.

you get to your house at ten in the morning, and as always, the emptiness is what greets you. you had wanted to take a shower, but the mistake of falling into bed entitles you to immediate slumber.

you wake up to the violent banging of your bedroom door, which you had locked earlier. you hear your father's voice shouting your name, rattling the doorknob non-stop. when you open the door, he immediately lashes out his anger at you.

you fall to the floor, and keep screaming for him to stop hitting you. remember when mommy used to hit you all the time for nothing? the painful childhood memories flash into your head. you badly don't want to suffer the same as a teenager..

your father pulls you up and screams at you to pack your bags. he's kicking you out of the house, and this time it seems a lot more serious. he wants not to see your face or he'll beat you to death, he says.

you really want to intimidate him, see if he dares, but you decide not to.

he sees your Nikes on your bedroom floor and takes them, yelling that you don't deserve to keep whatever he'd ever given to you. you want him to take your life as well, because it is what he's also given you. at that second you so badly want to die in the hands of your parents.

no bueno! your favourite Youtuber's voice rings in your head suddenly. you decide to take it as your power source, and you suck up your tears, grab a few things, shove them into your bag. and you take out a beaten pair of sneakers from your cupboard. one of them was a little tight but they were better than nothing.

you go to the toilet, stare at your cutting object from a distance. and you... you take it.

you shove past your father, who was shouting at your brothers never to have contact with you anymore. he has taken your house keys too. fine, whatever. he slams the door, and you, you play with your lighter again and again, toying with the idea of arson.

you're angry at how your older brother was there all along just watching and doing nothing to save you. but you think of your innocent younger brother, scared and helpless, and walk away instead.

____

okay sorry i'm done for now, i'm super lazy already! but yes, if you are wondering where i am, it is none other than my aunt's place. imma stay away from Pasir Ris for now okay, so... see you when i see you.

shall blog again when i feel like it. and yes, just so you know, Pewdiepie is one of the things in life which keeps me going. you've no idea how much a Youtuber can save your life, until you go through the feeling.

Chaos at S11.

cant go any longer without unleashing my thoughts! and since i aint able to write in my diary [nothing personal]  i shall blog instead. thank goodness i brought my laptop along, cos no matter what, i still [refer typing on this keyboard. and the Blogger app sucks anw.

so yes, am currently at none other than my class chalet. i feel something in my nose! i think it's the coal, since i'm sitting considerably close to the bbq pit. Edmund is fanning at the fire while Fazerah and Nicholas are watching.

maybe i should now blog about yesterday, since it's only evening for today and i wouldn't have a lot to say. okay, i am ranting. i always do when i am in the company of humans. idk. okay, let's cut the crap and get to the bullshit.

it was silent when i came actually, with only three people in the chalet, but eventually more people came back and things got a lot more chaotic. saw many people whom i've not talked to for a really long time, ever since O levels.

so, what funny things happened yesterday? i remember laughing a lot but now i can't remember much of the reasons anymore.

i played this card game whose name i'm not so sure of, and which rules i still don't understand. Jiayao helped me a lot so i still didn't get how to play it, my bad.

we all played another game which i did understand though, and which i really enjoyed, the thumb thingy. k that was rather addictive, i must say. i wonder who could have came up with such games?

so Wanxuan volunteered to break the large pieces of charcoal and as always she was rather unneededly rough about it. i heard Nicholas say, "violent Wanxuan is violent." i dont know why but the way he said it made me burst into laughter XD

i liked that little scene of Wanxuan struggling with the fire and all, while a lot of us just sat there watching her in silence. i thought it was cute!

i love my classmates. that is all i can say right now. watching them from here, watching them all doing their own stupid little things... i don't know, it makes me so happy just being here.

so i smoked yesterday, and went to bed afterwards when suddenly had this urge to vomit. so i ran to the toilet but Jingyu saw me and asked me if i was okay. she and Jiayao were there, and she gave me some plain water to drink. so sweet (':


had a talk with them both later on, about the younger twin's trail of gasoline. [that's what i used to call the after-effects of my break-up with Irshad]

i know what they said is true, and i've known that for very long already. but i just dont know why i hadnt been able to maintain that knowledge, blabla. it's like yes, you understand what the teacher is saying. but you still don't know how to answer the more complicated questions.


entah eh, i feel so comfortable talking with these two you know. but i thought i found myself somewhat stumbling over my words, cos i didnt really know how to explain it by bits.

ugh, flies all over my computer screen. and there were cockroaches around the area where i am sitting at right now yesterday, so... yeah.

i have developed a liking for the chalet cat, but i haven't brought any cat food for it. perhaps soon i might just drop by randomly and give it food {:

o yes, i talked with Faiz tarmizi yesterday too, about our lives, since we really haven't been talking much ever since we split paths after N levels. i'd seen him around, but we never managed to talk and catch up. you know?

aaaah, i love how my fingers just fly over the letters naturally. heh. i'm just typing out whatever comes into my head, you know? though i might sidetrack from the main topic anytime soon.

i love my classmates. i do wish i still record the things that happen and shit. but i erased that role from my play a long time ago, and there is no chance for me to reenact that memory anymore. it's all myself.

o, and i read that someone wrote that she is not coming to this "stupid chalet" because "most of the people here are just stupid". i saw it on my dashboard so i couldnt help reading it, and it pissed me off. but fine, it's her loss.

and i think the craziness and hype and "stupidity" of our classmates are what make class reunions super memorable.

i have a lot more things to say to you actually, but this is not the appropriate post. so, nevermind.

i just switched places and am currently at the pool with Shushan, Sabrina and Farizah, watching Priscilla, Asleah and Ruiyi swimming. i should have brought extra clothes, i would really love to swim!

aaahhh i have a lot of things on my thoughts to say right now, but i really think this is absolutely the most inappropriate post ever. so for now, i shall say once again that i love my classmates a lot. every single one of them, for who they are.

oh my gosh here comes qianying and phyllis. i've not seen them for such a long time!

am feeding the chalet cat! i have no idea what to name her. okay i shall get back to you very soon, it's getting annoying to update this post each time something happens. might as well blog one shot tonight. ok blablabla i shall set off now, mua.

Woe is me.

woe is me, woe is me.
still not talking with mummy.
work has long consumed my daddy.
brothers too busy with PS3.

woe is me, woe is me.
it's been raining heavily.
the cold kills me, slowly but surely.
still shivering beneath my blankie.

woe is me, woe is me.
no new videos from the damn Pewdie.
still can't play FireRed or Ruby.
can't go out due to lack of money.

woe is me, woe is me.
nothing nice to drink or eat.
nothing nice to reblog or retweet.
nobody new to meet or greet.

woe is me, woe is me.
i'm running out of rhyming words.
no more lines to toss and hurl.
nothing intelligent for my readers.

woe is me, woe is me.
nothing but boredom filled my today.
still never an interesting monday.
what about you, how was your day?

yes, today was a really boring day. my brothers have been hogging the PS3 anyway! so i can't play that! yes i did read and write a lot, but nope, it did not cure my boredom.

so tomorrow... is my class chalet! eeek. i'm totally broke, but i really want to buy them some Hello Pandas. i guess i'll have to borrow some moolah from any one of my brothers then, i suppose.

i can't wait to see my classmates.

okay, spill. does anyone know any blogshops that sell a decent collection of long-sleeved tops? i am desperate for this, cause i find it difficult to find such tops these days. maybe cause it's not the style, or maybe cause of Singapore's weather. i dont know. but yes, i am desperate.

i guess that's it for now. woe is me, woe is me.

Why i was awake all night.

good afternoon my Axes. if you ever realised, my posts have always been published at night so it might seem a little odd for me to be blogging at this time of day. am currently at Starbucks T3 with none other than Shushan, just chilling here with our laptops and stuff.

i have a terrible sore throat which pain is unlike any other. you can't imagine how painful it is for me to talk or to sneeze. even swallowing my saliva is such a feat. Shushan got me to buy this kinda special water which supposedly cures such aches magically called Three Leg. or something.

we came to Starbucks because of a promotion thingy, cause this outlet is newly opened. purchase any food item and get a free coffee, the flyer said. so yes, i got a blueberry muffin [been craving that for eons now] and a complimentary coffee, on the house.

the truth is, i've never drank coffee before, and certainly not some posh coffee from some posh little cafe at the airport, no. i just got it because it's free, and if i wanted to get some other drink i'd have to pay more. so yupp, being the E'indah that i am, i just got the coffee because... it is free.

and yes, i needed a whole lot of sugar and sweetener thingy just to have it suit my preference, and even then i still find it a little bitter. woe is me; i really don't like bitter things, i have a sweet tooth i suppose.

anyway, i have a story to share with you guys. a very random story which i hope can teach you all something.

last night, i was on my timeline when i saw this girl's tweet which got retweeted, so i decided to check out her profile, for whatever firetruck reason.

i decided to see the photos on her twitter cause she had plenty of herself, so out of curiousity i just checked them out. you know how some girls like to stalk other girls' pictures, only to have their self-esteem drop or some shit like that. to me it's like some sort of "pleasure from pain" shit. [to me]

so blablabla, i was like randomly looking through all the photos, thinking that she was pretty and all but the way she made herself in the photos were not really flattering her so much, when i saw this picture of a Sadako, or a ghost that looked like the one from The Ring.

it said "RT or this will come get you tonight". i know it was silly, but i got really scared in addition to the jumpscare that the picture itself gave me, but i didn't want to retweet it cause then that girl would know i had been stalking her twitter, and i ain't even following her. you know that feeling of being somewhere you're not, so you really don't want to leave any of your footprints behind?

i decided to shut down and try to go back to sleep. and then i kept thinking about whether i should have retweeted that shit or not.

so guess what, i got so paranoid and i couldn't sleep at all because i kept thinking that Sadako was gonna get me. i had my headphones on eventually cause i kept hearing odd noises which really fueled my paranoia.

back in the past, if i were to get this scared, the first thing i'd do was run to my parents' room and squeeze myself at the edge of the bed. but damn, we weren't on talking terms and i didn't want to surrender my pride, so i could only stay in my room.

and yes, all my brain could think of was freaking Sadako and all the other scary things that would most probably attack you in the middle of the night.

i really didn't sleep much last night/this morning; only did when the sun came out, around 7am.

so, moral of the story? don't stalk people.

you know something strange about me? i think i tend to sleep better upside down, as in my head is at the foot of the bed and my feet by my pillows. that is what i have concluded this morning. [did you know that i can't sleep with my head on pillows? ok.]

that is how my morning has been, i suppose. how about yours?

i just went for a toilet break and the one nearest to this starbucks was on maintenance, and i had to walk a thousand miles just to get to the nearest one.

and when i was taking the lift back down to this level, the man outside kept pressing the lift button from outside when i was closing the door from inside, so the freaking elevator door kept opening and closing, you know? you know how annoying that is?

alrighty, maybe we should watch some Pewdiepie now. i spent yesterday afternoon/evening watching the Silent Hill series up to part 12.

anyway it's December yaaaaaaaayyyy!!!!!!!! no, i don't care. bye.

Migrating.

i've never liked the cold. if things were to get a tad too chilly i would rush for a hoodie just to keep myself warm. maybe it's because i've lived in Singapore for as long as i remember, so i'm too used to the heat.

in the past, you could find me in hoodies even on warm sunny days. there was a time when i got afraid of heatstroke but i still went out in hoodies anyway.

i only had the courage to remove them late 2011; that was a motivation from the younger twin. i felt odd baring my arms to the sun like that, but i got used to it.

my seventeenth birthday was supposed to be my first ever solitary one, since i left my clique and my family shunned me, so i knew that nobody would give a shit about my birthday. i didn't care at all, i thought it was perfect, to spend the day all on my own.

but i got a surprise visit from two of the girls from the clique which i left; i cried. they brought me out, and i really appreciated the thought. i didn't know i really was lonely.

i came to think of this after that day; "as much as you hate the cold, you need it in order to appreciate the warmth." even if you hate being alone, it might be just the trick to get you to appreciate who you have with you right now.

i think i'm actually going too many rounds around the bush right now, my apologies.

what i wanted to say is this, actually. i wanna migrate to somewhere cold in the future. i want to learn to adapt to the cold. haven't you realised how the people who live in colder countries have better fashion sense than the locals? [no offence] [and in my opinion]

or maybe being somewhere cold is a good chance for me to hide myself without raising suspicion. i've read stories about girls who don't wear bikinis during summer because of their scars and immediately got hindered for it.

if i could, i would definitely migrate to somewhere cold in the future, for something new; a new environment, a new life. get away from everything i know, everyone i used to know, to somewhere where nobody would know my past, meet a guy whom i can have a "cute relationship" with, you know?

if i go on with these sins of mine, i have the feeling that Malay/Muslim guys will never go for me. even if they do, their parents wouldn't hear of it.

and i'm still bloody serious about that tattoo, so heck it. i'm not even gonna try to repent. i know that God is all forgiving, but i still don't think i deserve to go back on this path which i'd neglected so much.

okay nevermind, i shall talk about this in some other post. my main point of wanting to blog was to let you know that i would really move somewhere cold in the future just to start a new life.

and really! i love how they dress in winter.

i just love sweaters and stockings. but a country like mine provides little or no reasons to dress up like that on normal outings. o well.

alrighty, when i am old enough and ready, i'll migrate to somewhere cold okay? though for now i've still no idea where that would be...

Jobhunting with GummyNatta!!!1

so i went job hunting with Natalee at the airport today! it's been a while since we last met up. i totally kept her waiting because i was taking my own sweet time as always.

we first had some Maccy D, talking about the least important things in our lives [namely douchebags] before making our way to some shops to ask if they were hiring.

at Cotton On, we saw the little ad on the counter saying they were hiring so i decided to ask about that, but the salesgirl said they weren't hiring anymore. i was literally like, "WHY!?"

and then i bought two long-sleeved striped tops, 2 for 20 bucks. there were only sizes XXS and XS, but when i took one randomly, i realised that it was an M! was that luck or what.

bumped into Faiz Zainal who called out to me numerous times. had a short conversation revolving around our class chalet before saying bye and continueing our ways.

so Natalee and i explored all three terminals before reaching a Times bookshop, where i asked the salesgirl if they were hiring. she called out to her colleague, "hey are we hiring?" and then when he came over, i accidentally repeated; "hi, are we hiring part-timers?"

i was like, "eh! i mean are you hiring." and the salesgirl chuckled at me. that was embarrassing!

we made our way to the office where we stood outside the main door debating whether to make a move or not. a security officer was right there staring at us, probably having her own debate on whether or not she could assist us.

well we finally opened the door, and blablabla, til the interviewer told us to take a seat. that was when Natalee and i decided to be serious.

but yes, it is true; you tend to laugh more when in a serious situation. holy shit, you couldn't imagine how hard it was for me to control my laughter back in that damn office!

Natalee went for her interview first; and honestly, i screwed up mine really quick, when the interviewer asked me to tell her more about myself. you wouldn't want to know what i said.

but the rest of it went well, and i assured her that i am strong enough to carry kilos of books back and forth on a regular basis. not to worry!

Natalee and i had Dunkin Donuts next, and had Christmas donuts and iced chocolate. mmmmm.

we decided to go to CCP next, where we tried on heels at Payless or whatever it's called. damn, i could actually walk properly in those stick-heeled pairs, holy shit. and there was a 50% discount on them too!

so there was this foreigner that appeared out of nowhere and was walking right towards me, so i wanted to get out of his way, when he decided to pick up speed. he literally crashed into me, HARD, and i nearly fell! it shocked the shit out of me, and he didn't even have an ounce of reaction.

i got really pissed but i decided not to say or do anything and just called him a son of a barrel under my breath. dammit! and right afterwards, my ribs and back started to hurt a lot more, but they're all okay now. i'm still a little pissed though.

so yes that was how my day had been spent. there was a moment when i felt horrible back at CCP, cause apparently the memories still kinda affected me. o wells. o barrels.

anyway, it was a good catching up session with Natalee cause we really haven't been hanging out much since eons before our respective national exams. wouldn't it be nice if we get to bond more during a job? muahaha.

alrighty. that should be it for now. i'm not sure what are my plans for tomorrow. hohummie.

#5ThingsIFindAttractive

i spent my morning having breakkie with Azreenie and Syafiq, before going over to the latter's place to watch a few Malaysian films. the first one made me consider going down the path of Blue. but now i'm still not sure.

i've not spoken to Syamirul for a few days already, which is considerably a long time. i don't know, i still feel like letting the blame settle onto him for a while longer, though i know none of this is his fault.

anyway, since i haven't anything intelligent to say right now, i shall now blog out one of the Twitter trends which i see right now: #5ThingsIFindAttractive.

1. imperfect teeth. 

like this little douchebag here. i must admit, i've always found this picture really really, really cute, with us both smiling like that. i don't know why, but i really am attracted to guys with imperfect teeth. so adorable! especially when they grin.

2. readers.

people who read seem somewhat rare nowadays. i just love it when i find someone who also likes to read, just as much as me, or more. it's just so nice to share that love with someone your age, you know?

and when i mean read, i mean strictly actual books and not online books or blogs or magazines or shit like that.

i go to the library a lot, and i always see elderly couples sitting next to each other, just reading on their own. being together despite being in two totally different worlds.

3. solitude. 

in a canteen full of people in their cliques and friends, if i see someone who is always sitting alone in the corner reading a book or something, i'd most probably be more drawn to the latter.

there's something about social outcasts, or quiet people, that just makes me want to make friends with them. i don't know why. though most of the time i wouldn't have the courage to approach them in the end.

it's like, the lower you try to keep your profile, the more i notice you and want to go near to you. and i'm also attracted to people who show this same longing for solitary people.

4. guys who like pokemon. 

as you all know, i can talk endlessly when it comes to Pokemon. it'd be nice to have someone to talk with about it, who would listen and understand what on earth i am rambling on about.

it would be really sweet to share a love with a love, you know? and Pokemon is a passion of mine, it would be boring to have a boyfriend who thinks Pokemon is lame and childish and shit.

5. guys who love to write.

like Pokemon, writing is totally my passion, and i would love to be with someone who appreciates this about me. someone who is able to make time and space to write too, no matter how busy he is.

well i've not met anyone like that yet, but when i do, i'm gonna drag him to a cafe and spend about an hour writing together, not speaking to each other, over cups of hot chocolate. it's like being together despite being in two totally different worlds, much like reading. but this is so much more romantic!

____

be assured if i were to meet a guy who is all of the above,... *silence* i don't even know what to say, i would probably be head over heels in love with him.

there is a song that goes "you're everything i can't be, so you're everything that i need", some shit like that. i totally disagree with it. i think being with someone who shares similar passions is a lot better than going for someone who is the exact opposite. "opposites attract" seems like bullshit to me.

maybe opposite as in personalities would be fine. if you're someone weak who is always crying, you may need someone who doesn't get affected by his own emotions too much, you know? so he can stay strong enough to comfort you when you are upset.

alright, i think i'll stop here. muahahaha. shall blog again tomorrow; am gonna search for jobs with Natalee!

The ocean and the moon.

Blue is one of the kindest boys i've ever met. when i first knew him, i hated him like hell for my very own selfish reasons. eventually i became more attracted to him more each day for those very same reasons.

he's always believed in me, though i don't know why. perhaps he also has some selfish reasons of his own. in any case, he had always been trying to put me back onto the correct path and he never seemed to be on the verge of ever giving up.

once or twice he would get tired of my bullshit and end off the conversation abruptly. but the very next day he'd be back and asking how i am again and shit. and then he'll go back to telling me the reasons why i should go back onto the correct path and stuff.

and then there is Black. he's supposedly a kind hearted and warm person as well, but only if you lit him up. otherwise he's just going to remain cold and aloof.

our relationship is a dark one, in so many ways, be it the past or the present. i'm not so sure about the future, whether or not we would still remain this way or something more. but either way, it wouldn't be hundred percent a "good" relationship.

he knows all the things i've done, too. he contributes to some of these as well in fact, and he never seemed to discourage it. having been friends with him since a few donkey years ago, i care for him a lot and i don't want to lose him.

this is not a choice between two guys, but a decision for my future.

if i choose to listen to Blue, then i will have to prepare myself to go through a dramatic change; something i should have been when i was born, but haven't been, for the whole 17 years of my life.

if i decide to stay with Black, then i'm sure to corrupt myself all the more. and being broken this way doesnt mean he would stay with me in the future too. he could leave anytime.

it feels like Blue is the angel, and Black the devil. even their colours represent their "roles" in this game; blue for the calmness, the patience, the purity. black for the darkness, the evil, the sins. seems like an exaggeration, but really.

i love Black, i'm sure you already know. but choosing to go with Blue would mean a love for myself rather than for the guy. for myself, and for God.

right now, i'm still bathing in the flames of the memories with Red. i'm going to be burnt into a crisp if i don't move away soon.

The Walking Dead with Pewdiepie.

this would be a whole lot more emotional if you had followed up the entire series from the very beginning. or if you are a true Bro.

i cried like hell at this. if you think i'm dumb or stupid or whatever for that, then you're obviously neither of the above.

i know it's just a game, and i'm not even playing it myself; i'm watching someone else play it. yet i can still get so damn emotional about this.

as i'd mentioned before, i liked The Walking Dead because it wasn't like any other games where you just shoot the zombies and stuff. but there were choices in the game too which had to do with humanity and shit. it was not all about the zombies.

making the choices for your characters probably strengthens the bond between you guys. that's how Pewdie must have felt; i've been through it before through Pokemon games. who hasn't grown emotionally attached to your Charizard, or Blastoise, or Venusaur before right?

following Lee through his whole journey, beginning from the police vehicle crash, really makes me feel a certain fondness for him, and for Clementine, seeing how he cares for her so much.

the characters he had met; when Kenny and Ben died, i broke down too. because even the side characters were given parts of the story that were worth getting emotional for as well.

Clementine is a brave, brave little girl isn't she? to have to go through all that at her age, all alone without her parents. and she's so strong.

as for Lee, i don't even know where to begin. he's truly admirable and worth commending; he's more than a hero, not only for Clemmy but for me too.

oh gosh.. i am getting so emotional right now, i am so sorry ;_; but really! and Pewdie cried too. i was going all "o Pewdie you're such a pussy." with tears and snot all over my own chin.

Walking Dead really had a strong story. one of the strongest storylines for a game i had ever witnessed. my goodness. if only i could adapt it into a book!

Going into secondary school.

So as you might have heard, the PSLE students got their results today. I remember the day i got mine. There were no emotions at all, honestly. That was about five years ago, and today was my younger brother's turn getting his.

He's got fairly good, though as usual his English was one grade lesser than mine. He can go into the Exp stream.

The thing which really pisses me off about this thing is the fact that the mother is deciding which stream he goes to. My bro wants to go into a good school but if he does, he'll only get into NA.

Mother insists on him going into Exp just because "aku dah ada dua anak yang Normal Acad. Aku nak feeling feeling je kalau ada anak Express." that's a very stupid thing to say.

My brother obviously doesnt want that, because he really wants to go into his desired school. But no, Mother keeps judging the societies although she obviously knows nothing abt those schools.

And then blahblahblah til eventually he gave up i suppose, and let her win by saying Fine, he'll go to Exp.

I find it really thoughtless and inconsiderate of the Mother. I mean, shouldnt she allow him to decide himself? It's a very critical decision for him. And she has to consider his academic ability before forcing him to go into Exp. Not just because she's alr had two kids in NA.

Haiya. I hope my brother can cope with Exp then. And i hope my parents wouldnt be like pushing him and shit when he gets too stressed. It wasnt his decision to go into Exp, so he shouldnt suffer from it. And i hope my parents dont become absolute arseholes during his critical period like they did to me too.

Well most of all i hope my brother has a bright future ahead of him. May he be spared from douchebags or disciplinary issues or love gone wrong or retains or whatever secondary school crap. Alright, we shall end this prayer knowing that he will anyway.

Am currently at Jiayao's chalet, just slacking in the bedroom alone. I had a proper conversation with my Moon today. What a rarity!

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.9