Cookies, cats, and a conclusion.

i've collected lots of random footage over the past 6 months. i should probably make a music video of some sort. just the random videography, with a story hidden beneath. maybe. we'll see how things go (;

anyway, i'll be making a trip to my Marbles today! my secret place, heheh. aside from that, it's still a pretty boring Sunday afternoon.

i've got something to recommend you guys.

they're Strawberry Marble cookies! at none other than Raja Kuih ((((: i bought these last year, too. i really loved them. i love cookies. who doesn't, right?

____

am currently at Marbles where i've just finished a meal, Alhamdullilah. i love the omelette here! yumyum. and i love the kitties here, too! i'm sure you've guessed where i am already. hehe.

don't you just love his eyes? t'is is Tanda, by the way. aka Dottie. don't ask what's the link between the two names, ok? heh. you can call him Dot!

i can't find the other cats to camwhore with. my Hometown doesn't like to be manhandled, so there's no way i could get him on my lap.

o, and look who i met under the block!

cat in the basket XD

so i have school tomorrow. hohum. am currently texting none other than Syamirul (((: well look, we've got three hours of sleep left. woohoo! uh huh. 

i love that third picture! Dot looks like a ghost sia! 

oh, and announcement, my Axes. i guess i won't give up, after all. i shall give it another shot. my studies, i mean. hehe!

the blue tadpole is my inspiration (':

Trip to Geylang!

so had gone to Geylang today. got a carpet, a kind of wooden one, bamboo is it? mumsie and little bro decided to go on ahead first, so they took a cab home. [the carpet was too long to be put into a cab] me? took bus. with the papa.

missed the last bus by the time we reached interchange, so we had to walk home. i decided to carry the carpet over my shoulder because after all, papa's had enough burdens. a little weight on my shoulder, no matter how injured it already is, wouldn't hurt. in fact it's an obligation.

and it really felt like carrying a supersized bazooka!!

anyway, i'd made a DeviantArt account. now my drawings wouldn't be so scattered anymore! do visit me, would you? at this here ~109BlackAxes ((: !

so Syamirul just had his 18th birthday on the 11th of August. just a few hours ago. i drew this for him *sheepish grin*

i think he sort of fell asleep in the midst of texting me ): o well, least he enjoyed his 18th birthday!

o, see this cute kitty whom i spied at Geylang. i loved its tummy!!!

plus, i've gotten my baju raya. keeping it in greyscale cause i don't want you guys to know my colour for this year yet (((:

so i tried drawing a cat again today. please tell me it at least resembles a kitty.

nyehe. well then. i'm actually pretty upset right now, cause of someone. i got slandered suddenly for no reason that i know of. i really don't need any more of this shit, and you know that. i have too much to think of to turn my thoughts upside down to understand what is it that you're upset at me for.

if there's something i said or did which bothered you, say so. don't give me indirect crap. and don't say shit like that. that was totally unneeded and really, really mean. you don't know the younger twin. you don't know what i went through with him.

you don't have to poke at me about that. don't talk like you really understand everything. heck, you don't know nothing about him. firetruck, the more i think about it, the more pissed i'm getting. okay. hoo. i shall dismiss this.

Topsy-turvy.

i used to be a morning person, waking up at 7 naturally on holidays and weekends and all. and then i would take short naps around noon. ever since he walked out on me, i hadn't been waking up even before my naptime.

yes, it really was after his leaving that i started these sleeping habits. and other strange new habits too, while most of my usual habits faded. i guess everything just really went topsy-turvy when he left. really.

my hair started dropping in huge amounts, too. i would stand in front of the mirror to tie my hair in the morning before school, and by the time i'm done, the floor would be covered with strands and strands of my hair. really. i should prolly take a picture someday and show to you if you want.

and not to forget the gastric discomfort/distension shit. i still have it. but i don't really react that much to it now. when was the last time i went to the doc? i don't remember. he was always the one who had to force me to go.

believe it or not, up to this day, the two moments that would always make me cry was the day he came back, and the day he left again.

i'm still having battles with my feelings for the blue tadpole. i'm scared, confused, unsure...

Butterflies! Shoes! Drawings!

 

did you know that i like butterflies?  well yeah, i do! now you know. [in case you hadnt noticed how i favour wearing that pink butterfly tee] there's a sorta-like butterfly park in T3 at the airport, and the first time i'd gone there, i was so happy like hell! that was back in late 2010, after the Langkawi trip. 

taken with my phone cammie, so ain't that clear or whatnot. i even have a book on the species of butterflies of the world, my favourites being Eastern Scalloped Sailor, and the Zenobia Swallowtail. something like that? 

i remember the Eastern Scalloped Sailor [the one above] could spread its back wings apart from its fore wings, a feat which not many other species can do, when alive. that's what made me like it so much. 

and here's a picture of me reading that book of mine, about two and a half years ago. taken by -- guess who? -- a twin. no, not the younger, the older! haha, gotcha.

yeah, my hair was short then. i remember cutting this one on my own, in my house bathroom. mumsie nearly killed me! cause after all, according to her only crazy people cut their hair on their own, and what's more i'd clogged up the toilet with my hair. [i flushed my locks down the toilet bowl] 

and also, the other thing i remember from that day was that i was listening to Story of the Year songs while cutting my hair. i remember singing "We're Not Gonna Make It" a lot! sweet, sweet memory.

so anyway, now that i mentioned the great mumsie. we're going Geylang over the weekend to get our 'girly' stuff. the men of my family have gotten their baju raya, and that's basically it for them. for us, we needa get shoes and bags, especially mom. 

i caught sight of a beautiful pair of shoes sometime last week, and i'd badly wanted those!!! they were baby pink, and the thingy at its front wasn't a ribbon, but still so cleverly designed. so unique. alas, size 7 was too big for me while 6 was too small. o well.

did my feet shrink or something? i used to wear size 8. 

i remember my shoes from 2010. i was so scared to wear them, believe it or not. i thought they were sooo sweet, too sweet to be put onto my feet.

okay, i feel like drawing some more. hohum. what shall i draw now? 

so the other day i was talking with Syamirul about drawing myself, and then he sez that to draw ourselves is difficult. you know why it's difficult? it's just an illusion, actually. 

cause you're the only one on earth who knows how you're really like, right? that's why you can portray yourself easily. but not everyone else sees you the way you see yourself, that's why they say things like "nah, this doesn't look like you", so you take in their comments and thus; you think it's hard to portray yourself into a drawing. 

that's what i think, anyway.

okay, i shall draw some more now. o, and see this; it's the original drawing of the one which started off this post. i thought her eye was weird, so i changed it. hehe. creepy right!!!

#15GoodSongs

i shall bring forth this Twitter trend now. as you can see from the title. will be putting in some of my favourite lines as well. songs are not just the enjoyment of the tune; it's the understanding of the lyrics.

i'd like to emb the videos from Youtube as well, but i'm sorry, i'm feeling super lazy right now. so make do, okay? you can search for the songs on your own if you want to. wouldnt want to make your comps lag anyway. right? 

01. These Walls - Trapt 

like clockwork, i commit the crime; i pretend to be everything they write.

the way i look at it, i think it's about society.

02. Pages - There For Tomorrow

from the constant changes you have made; you keep inside until you have your say. 

we change as we get older; the days we walked are over. 

actually, i pretty much love this entire song. go listen to it!

03. Stories - There For Tomorrow

he's got no hope for a cure so he's put himself to sleep. 

she's not in the world alone but she wanted to put herself to sleep.

tell me what to tell you when the world won't listen; the start to the finish, come on and let me hear you speak.

this entire song is beautiful, too.

04. Dive Right In - Story of the Year

although my hands are shaking, i lie perfectly still cause i'm determined to let myself sink down. 

i know i'm buried too far down to feel the warmth from the sun again.

05. The Antidote - Story of the Year

with our weapons drawn and all our resources gone, are we facing extinction? 

the only antidote consists of blood, sweat and hope, and a blueprint to save us from all that we know.

listen to this entire song as well. it's amazing too.

06. Home - Three Days Grace

this house is not a home; i think i'm better off alone. 

no matter how hard i tried, you're never satisfied.

by the time you come home, i'm already stone.

07. A Grey So Dark - Trivium 

ripping out the feelings used to hold me into place. 

i'm digging deeper to lay my misery down into the water so that it may drown. 

swallowing the ashes of a newly burnt down dream; tasting only charred remains of a cured and better me.

08. Torn Between Scylla and Charybdis - Trivium

divided by destiny, torn between death and doom. destruction by decision and then blah3 i dont catch that part already.

the meaning of this title is similar to that of the Morton's Fork, if you remember. between a rock and a hard place. hmmm i think i should probably blog more about this soon.

09.Straitjacket Feeling - All American Rejects 

back me down from backing out. 

try this on, straitjacket feeling, so maybe i won't be alone. 

yesterday was hell but today i'm fine without you. i'll run away this time without you. 

i'm holding on by letting go of you. 

whole song is meaningful, too.

10. Story of A Girl - Nine Days

how many days in the year she woke up with hope but she only found tears? 

as long as she stays there waiting, wearing the holes in the soles of her shoes. 

your clothes never wear as well the next day and your hair never falls in quite the same way.

i've always loved this song. in fact among all the songs in this list, i've loved this song the longest! since primary school days.

11. How to Save A Life - The Fray 

yes, yes. the entire song is beautiful, yes. i don't have anything else to say.

12. Space x Time - Dana Harmon ft Maika Maile

actually, the song is originally Maika's. but this Dana Harmon took it and added his stuff, so it's a sort of collaboration. i must admit i don't really like the rap, but listen to Maika's lines, especially at the interlude part or whatever it's called. it means a lot.

13. Calling Out - Lazee ft Apollo Drive

cuts and bruises, the love of her life is so abusive; talks with his hands, that's not a real man but still without him she feels her life is useless. 

see what Daddy do when he gets fed-up.

basically like the kinds of stories behind closed doors. this one is beautiful too, yes.

14. Ugly - 2NE1

it's talking about personality, not looks, right? 

15. Both of Us - B.O.B ft Taylor Swift

i wish i was strong enough to lift not one, but both of us. 
everything is so low that you could drown in a puddle, that's why i gotta hold us up. 
and you feel like you're just another person getting lost in the crowd. 
we'll still stand tall with our shoulders up.

t'is you know already huh (;

so yeah. i just came back from a solitary trip to Ikea and then Tampines. bought myself a clock cause my previous one wouldn't move its hands even though i'd already changed the battery.

i bought red cause it was on discount. only the red! cause it was  National Day promotion. how unfair! so i just bought red even though it's, well, red.

i hear the mumsie talking on the phone. angrily. i hope she's not talking about me.

The younger twin.

so i dreamt of him. if i'm asked whether it was a sad or happy one, i'm stumped as to answer. cause really, if a dream is a happy one, you're just gonna wake up remembering how miserable your life really is. and then you'll be sad.

but if it was a sad one, you'll wake up remembering that you hadn't lost the happiness in reality. like if you dreamt the passing of a loved one but woke up to see that he or she is still as healthy as ever. so is that a happy or a sad dream?

sometimes i wake up smiling only to realise again a few seconds later. like today. while other times, i would feel myself waking up, and my dream-self would protest, "no! don't wake up. no...!" really. it's creepy sometimes, but it's cool.

that dream of him, the younger twin btw, was so clear. i really saw his face. he smiled, and i saw his teeth; the set of teeth that i've never seen anyone else have. really! his teeth are one of his unique features i guess. you could even use that to tell the difference between him and his twin. [cause that's what i did anw]

that shot of his teeth, i remember it was taken upside down, you know. meaning to say he was probably lying down and i just looked at him from above, and then he smiled.

i still see that shot of him from above, you know. his face, his smile when he looked up at me. it's stuck in my mind now. he's really glowing. he's so handsome. sigh...

Both of us.

beautiful videography. i'm getting very inspired by this song, especially Taylor's line "i wish i was strong enough to lift not one, but both of us". she's willing to have enough strength to lift two people. so what excuse do i have for not being strong enough to lift just myself?

and i also like the line from the rap that goes "every day is so low, that you could drown in a puddle", something like that. isn't that beautiful? 

haven't been listening to Trapt or Three Days Grace or Trivium or even Sum 41 much these days. really, it's true: music tends to make you remember more because of the memories we attach to certain songs.
the songs that i've been sharing with you guys as of late never used to be to my liking. even my current blog song is an instrumental version of a 2NE1 song.

it may have been nice to share music interests with someone, but once that person leaves, each time you listen to a song alone you would just remember the time when you both shared earpiece to listen to it.

now that i've nothing much to do, i feel like making another music video of some sort. but that i can't do alone. damn it.

i think i kind of blogged a lot today. not that i wont blog again later though. *grins*

Every 9th of August.

so today... is my country's 47th birthday!

this is just one of the reasons why i love Singapore; all the flags that are put up everywhere, every year! aside from this, all my other reasons are actually pretty weird too, i think.

i like how we're small. i dont know, it makes me feel like this causes us to be more united, more together, closer, you know?

so my national day last year had been spent with the MKI, watching fireworks. while the year before,... i don't really wanna talk about it, though that memory remains in me. and then back in 2009 was the very first Reunion, after the school's national day celebrations.

i must admit, not every 9th of August has a pretty memory attached to it. but the fact that it's my country's birthday makes it enough for me to look out my bedroom window and smile.

Blue tadpole is blue!

heard this one on the radio in my uncle's van earlier. it's so adorable! been awhile since i listened to songs with such cute lyrics. i like the female part a lot, resembles my silly schoolgirl crush feeling (;

engkau punya gaya
walaupun tak kaya
bukan paras rupa yang aku pandang sahaja
mungkin kau lihat ku banyak berbelanja
tapi sebenarnya ku biasa biasa saja
bertemu di muka buku
ku jatuh hati padamu
bukan tak nak mengaku
tapi hati rasa malu
senyuman mu menawan
kau buat hatiku tertawan
ada sesuatu
yang kau perlu tahu
tentang diri aku dengan lelaki itu
meski tidak bisa
begitu apa saja
tapi itu semua tidak boleh
beri bahagia
itu bukan segalanya

yupp, the blue tadpole is blue!

so, seen my new header yet?

i like how the dust from the scanner makes it look like stars on that background! o, and here's the original scanned drawing. i just negativised it (((;

so anyway, i went on an adventure earlier. followed mumsie on her delivery rounds. her cookies business!, in case you've forgotten. i sat at the back of uncle's van, which was pretty fun! although i prefer the back of lorries rather than enclosed vans.

and i am also faithful to my Nikes. aint no getting any Vans or any other shoe brands *grins sheepishly* !

so. is a girl more beautiful the more she calls herself ugly? i don't know, but many boys have been talking to me a lot ever since i give up on myself and all, you know?

except the blue tadpole, o the blue tadpole is blue T.T

ohhhh damn his birthday is in a few days. my present for him is screwed! screwed birthday present is screwed!!!

haiya. one minute i'm upset with my studies, another minute i'm jittery with this silly schoolgirl crush of mine.

i really love drawing the solitary author! hehe.

Back in 2007...

that's the eleven-year-old me, third from the left (; 

so guess what i found from my primary school memories... 

i drew this in primary 6. from L-R, the weapons/powers they have is a sword, a gun, wind, and fire, respectively. i had a comic named FaDe____ back in those days. yeah, with 4 underscores. those were the days.

o! know Qin Han, from sec 4? i forgot his class. yeah, his character was called Sora Tayume. if i'm not wrong. and his power, if memory serves me right, was light? or electricity?

and then Syazana was also part of it, though i can't remember her character's name now. her character hardly showed up in the comics cause she hardly showed up in school then, too. had wanted to write a chapter focusing on her story but the comic didnt manage to reach that far.

know why these two were involved? cos they were my classmates. this Fade comic was situated among the classrooms, if you get what i mean.

come to think of it, i feel like drawing an older version of all the characters now. back then, the outfits i drew wasn't that nice, in the opinion of my 2012 self.

and over the years i must have improved on my drawing skills, right? look how Fumie doesn't have any wrists.

there we go! just thought i'd give it a bit of colour cause i remember them all having all kinds of interesting hair colours (;

and i had to take a pic using phone cammie cause scanner has a problem with coloured drawings, apparently. gah. and nah, didn't end up as "grown-up" versions; rather, cheebee versions of their future, you know?

hmm, i have the feeling i would start to draw Fade a lot from now on. nyehehe.

texting none other than Syamirul now (((:

imma blog again. it's a boring wee hour.

Officially giving up?

had gone to the much dreaded PRP today, and did some soul-searching. and i've decided; i give up.

like, really.

so i sent out texts to everyone telling them all the best for their Ns [Natalee and Haikal dood] and Os [everyone else], and to get a good course; achieve what i'm giving up.

but damn. they all misunderstood the real intention of that text, i guess? everyone ended up cheering me on instead, encouraging me and stuff.

so i fucking cried, and now i'm more confused than ever.

one part of me is sure, very sure, that i really want to give up. the other part of me is determined to try again, til i achieve that dream of going to SP [though this second part of me wasn't very strong today].

i dont know man. this is tough.

i guess i'm sooo heavy that i don't have enough strength to push myself, is that it? *sighs*

I miss 4/2 2011.

never realised how much i miss having Faiz Tarmizi and Farhan around.

they were the ones who brought us together, weren't they? always took the initiative to organise class gatherings and all. always being damn noisy and irritating and inviting the rest of us into the chaos.

i miss their singing in class, too. i miss Farhan's "indahnya Al-Quran...". i loved the way they laughed, and the way they made everyone else laugh.

all in all, i just miss my classmates. the fun times we all had together, even though we weren't so close back in sec 3.

this one makes me cry )': it pains me more to have the fact that i'm already here in the presence of my classmates, but not in their company.

i miss them.

I'm not gonna make it.

i still remember how enthusiastic i was during the pre-sec 5 times. i was so excited at the thought of all those schoolbooks, notebooks, stationery, in preparation for my O levels. you know why? cause i knew he would be there for me throughout. i knew i was gonna soar through the year with him by my side.

i'd wanted to go ite but he convinced me otherwise by assuring me that he would be with me through the year. those words encouraged me like hell.

i had fantasies, as innocent as going down to sit on breakwaters with schoolbooks and him scolding me when he sees me daydreaming instead of doing my work. i imagined the day of my O level results, meeting him afterwards and announcing how i'd fared, with tears of joy and his look of pride.

who was i kidding? at the start of February, he left.

imagine going into the battle zone with all your weapons, along with your confidence and courage and all... only to have yourself stripped of your comrades' company. that's how i've been feeling this year. imagine fighting the enemies on your own, nobody to back you up.

imagine being shot from all directions. who wouldn't crumble from that, right?

so each time i feel unaffected by the memories, i take the chance to study. but halfway through my work, when i get stuck on a question, i threaten my efforts with surrender. i start thinking "i should have gone to class more", and then "i shouldn't have gotten suspended", "i should have gone to school"... all the way back to "he shouldn't have left me."

and so i start blaming him. i recall my teacher's words halfway, "the only one who can really change everything is yourself. only yourself.", which diverts the accusation onto myself. but still, the sentence swiftly changes from "i did all this upon myself" to "HE made me do all this upon myself".

this is insane. i don't even know myself anymore. i don't know if i've given up, or am gonna try again. it's like i'm hanging in mid-air.

can somebody please tell him to be by my side again, to push me through these next few months? just a few months. i can push myself no longer. i want to borrow his strength. i don't know what else to do. just his company. that's all i'd ever asked for, really. even as just a brother or best friend, it's fine. i just really really love to have him pushing me, encouraging me like he always did.

for now, i doubt i could make it. no... i'm really not gonna make it. i confess.

____