Back in 2007...

that's the eleven-year-old me, third from the left (; 

so guess what i found from my primary school memories... 

i drew this in primary 6. from L-R, the weapons/powers they have is a sword, a gun, wind, and fire, respectively. i had a comic named FaDe____ back in those days. yeah, with 4 underscores. those were the days.

o! know Qin Han, from sec 4? i forgot his class. yeah, his character was called Sora Tayume. if i'm not wrong. and his power, if memory serves me right, was light? or electricity?

and then Syazana was also part of it, though i can't remember her character's name now. her character hardly showed up in the comics cause she hardly showed up in school then, too. had wanted to write a chapter focusing on her story but the comic didnt manage to reach that far.

know why these two were involved? cos they were my classmates. this Fade comic was situated among the classrooms, if you get what i mean.

come to think of it, i feel like drawing an older version of all the characters now. back then, the outfits i drew wasn't that nice, in the opinion of my 2012 self.

and over the years i must have improved on my drawing skills, right? look how Fumie doesn't have any wrists.

there we go! just thought i'd give it a bit of colour cause i remember them all having all kinds of interesting hair colours (;

and i had to take a pic using phone cammie cause scanner has a problem with coloured drawings, apparently. gah. and nah, didn't end up as "grown-up" versions; rather, cheebee versions of their future, you know?

hmm, i have the feeling i would start to draw Fade a lot from now on. nyehehe.

texting none other than Syamirul now (((:

imma blog again. it's a boring wee hour.

Officially giving up?

had gone to the much dreaded PRP today, and did some soul-searching. and i've decided; i give up.

like, really.

so i sent out texts to everyone telling them all the best for their Ns [Natalee and Haikal dood] and Os [everyone else], and to get a good course; achieve what i'm giving up.

but damn. they all misunderstood the real intention of that text, i guess? everyone ended up cheering me on instead, encouraging me and stuff.

so i fucking cried, and now i'm more confused than ever.

one part of me is sure, very sure, that i really want to give up. the other part of me is determined to try again, til i achieve that dream of going to SP [though this second part of me wasn't very strong today].

i dont know man. this is tough.

i guess i'm sooo heavy that i don't have enough strength to push myself, is that it? *sighs*

I miss 4/2 2011.

never realised how much i miss having Faiz Tarmizi and Farhan around.

they were the ones who brought us together, weren't they? always took the initiative to organise class gatherings and all. always being damn noisy and irritating and inviting the rest of us into the chaos.

i miss their singing in class, too. i miss Farhan's "indahnya Al-Quran...". i loved the way they laughed, and the way they made everyone else laugh.

all in all, i just miss my classmates. the fun times we all had together, even though we weren't so close back in sec 3.

this one makes me cry )': it pains me more to have the fact that i'm already here in the presence of my classmates, but not in their company.

i miss them.

I'm not gonna make it.

i still remember how enthusiastic i was during the pre-sec 5 times. i was so excited at the thought of all those schoolbooks, notebooks, stationery, in preparation for my O levels. you know why? cause i knew he would be there for me throughout. i knew i was gonna soar through the year with him by my side.

i'd wanted to go ite but he convinced me otherwise by assuring me that he would be with me through the year. those words encouraged me like hell.

i had fantasies, as innocent as going down to sit on breakwaters with schoolbooks and him scolding me when he sees me daydreaming instead of doing my work. i imagined the day of my O level results, meeting him afterwards and announcing how i'd fared, with tears of joy and his look of pride.

who was i kidding? at the start of February, he left.

imagine going into the battle zone with all your weapons, along with your confidence and courage and all... only to have yourself stripped of your comrades' company. that's how i've been feeling this year. imagine fighting the enemies on your own, nobody to back you up.

imagine being shot from all directions. who wouldn't crumble from that, right?

so each time i feel unaffected by the memories, i take the chance to study. but halfway through my work, when i get stuck on a question, i threaten my efforts with surrender. i start thinking "i should have gone to class more", and then "i shouldn't have gotten suspended", "i should have gone to school"... all the way back to "he shouldn't have left me."

and so i start blaming him. i recall my teacher's words halfway, "the only one who can really change everything is yourself. only yourself.", which diverts the accusation onto myself. but still, the sentence swiftly changes from "i did all this upon myself" to "HE made me do all this upon myself".

this is insane. i don't even know myself anymore. i don't know if i've given up, or am gonna try again. it's like i'm hanging in mid-air.

can somebody please tell him to be by my side again, to push me through these next few months? just a few months. i can push myself no longer. i want to borrow his strength. i don't know what else to do. just his company. that's all i'd ever asked for, really. even as just a brother or best friend, it's fine. i just really really love to have him pushing me, encouraging me like he always did.

for now, i doubt i could make it. no... i'm really not gonna make it. i confess.

____

Pink shmink.

i do have a reason for starting to draw again. been drawing out some memories, and not of the younger twin.

better the blue tadpole than the red, right?

blue+red=PURPLE!

go to hell. i'm pink tadpole.

"Tiada Maaf Bagimu"? o really?

this song reminded me of Irshad. i happened to hear it on the radio.

listen to its lyrics. it makes me cry. 

Mengapa harus kita berpisah 

Setelah lama kita bercinta 

Tiada kesalahan yang ku perlakukan 

Yang menyakiti hatimu 

 Mungkinkah ini kerna hasutan 

Menarik diri tanpa alasan 

Tapi tak mengapa 

Ku takkan kecewa 

Kau turut kata hatimu 

Kini kau datang kembali 

Memohon maaf dariku 

Ku tak sudi memandang mu 

Pergi kau dari hidupku 

Tak usah kau menyesali 

Cinta bagi ku sekali 

Kini silakan kau pergi 

Sedikit ku tak kecil hati 

Oh tiada lagi maaf bagimu 

Hati ku takkan terpujuk lagi 

Suatu masa dulu kau tinggalkan daku 

Yang dahagakan cintamu 

i know i've told you guys i have a silly schoolgirl crush on someone else now. but that doesn't mean i would be unaffected by this boy, right?

right?

____

her hand seems short, somehow. o well. anyway, i love my scanner! why did i ever show you guys my drawings via cammies? the scanner makes the drawing looks better as compared to cammies.

...yupp. i've no idea what is it that i want.

i'm so confused...

ugh. T.T

Yet another school day...

who the hell put my photo on the classroom's back noticeboard? couldn't you have at least asked first? i can't stand the thought of having my smile lingering there, facing everyone's backs.

i felt so sleepy the entire morning! had fallen asleep on my way to school, in the bus. i heard, in my dream or in real life, i'm not sure; hey wake her up, in chinese. and then i woke up to the touch of a pat on my shoulder, and to see that we had arrived at school's bus stop.

hadn't managed to say thank you to whoever that was.

even if i hadn't been awakened, i would probably wake up in the nick of time, anyway. you all know how seriously i take my dreams, right? well sadly for me my dreams don't take me seriously, that's why they have a weird relationship with me. they pull me in with such strength only to push me away again suddenly.

they're like girls, you don't know what the hell they want. they invite you in only to kick you out again. o well.

so i had oral practice with Mrs Chew today. she looked so alive suddenly when i greeted her "good morning Mrs Chew may i sit down please?" [basic oral exam etiquette...] and she gasped and exclaimed, "yes, e'indah, that's the way!" hehe. 

i must admit, i seem to have a soft spot for Zharfan. he was on the board when it hit my desk, and to make it worse i'd been sleeping. i jerked my head up with a scowl and unforgiving glare but when i saw it was him i was just like Nvm when he said sorry. if it'd been somebody else i would have really have shown attitude face and ignore the apologies.

so once again Mr Bernard always comes over to check on me even though i never called him. what's more the rest of the class would be like "Mr Low Mr Low!", but he would silently make his way to my desk and ask, "everything ok? can do?"

after school, saw the kitty cat at central bus stop, lazing around in the sun. so adorable!

look. memory of the 15th of May this year, if i'm not wrong.

yeah, i liked Hulk. cause he's, well, Incredible.

i like how The Incredible Hulk can be read over and over and over but still make sense. The Incredible Hulk. Hulk, the Incredible. Hulk the Incredible Hulk the Incredible Hulk the incredible Hulk.

you know those type of sentences? i forgot what they're called. remember back in primary school when those faggots would ask you to say "kefa" repeatedly and laugh when you still didn't realise you were saying "fxker" again and again?

i like how the blue tadpole's hair looks like clouds when i draw him. *sparkle in the eye*

*embarrassed* x_x

come back! tonight, i'll blog again. most prolly. hey, it's gonna rain. need a brolly? [nah the sun is great, just wanted to make it rhyme. hehe]

Jittery.

sup, been busy the whole of today. with pencils and pens and books and thoughts and ideas (;

thank goodness for the many school holidays this week! i have a little extra time to myself, so i can do this little thing for that little somebody. rejection is no boundary! i guess.

i hadn't known what shoes to give her. and when i drew her barefoot, her toes look weird. i guess i can't draw bare feet from the front view. hehe.

anyway, i feel so happy today! cause i've been drawing the blue tadpole a lot. i dont know, just drawing him makes me feel so ticklish all over. who knew having a crush could be such a blissful little thing?

haiya. he's so adorable. hehe!

Four arrows, and boy issues...

a useless guide to knowing my 4 identities. [yes, there are four]

(L-R) the Wrister girl, E'indah E'esa, Re'ine Nadhie, Solitary Author.

E'indah E'esa [2010]

those headphones were Pearl's, oops! 

one that disturbs everything that moves a little, shakes the boat when there are no waves. for all i remember, she was always having fun, always disturbing the hell out of everyone. if she irritates you, she loves you.

she talks to people a lot, thus the reaching out of her hands in this drawing.

the Wrister girl [2011] 

a little withdrawn, apart from her classmates and her best friends. cold all the time, on the outside [thus the constant wearing of hoodies] and on the inside too, it seems. always with that little cammie of hers (;

so far she's the one who's the happiest. 

seldom approaches people, and doesn't look approachable either, but if she's talked to, then she talks. thus the fact that she doesn't ignore when someone talks to her in this drawing.

Re'ine Nadhie [early 2012] 

a failed attempt to move forward. got so full of herself in a desperate bid to change from the E'indah or the Wrister girl that she once were.

left everyone and became cocky, thus the reason she is standing with arms folded, legs wide apart in the drawing, and away from the rest.

Solitary Author [current?] 

spends all her time writing, blogging, writing, blogging. she's probably gone insane from the solitude, but she knows she can't go back to the past.

she's sad when she watches the people who used to be with her happy together, but she can only watch from afar, thus her distance in this drawing.

____

and who on earth was all this for? 

____

and one more thing; Nadhie. Solitary. E'indah. Wrister.

Nadhie: at the front of everyone else in superiority.
E'indah and Wrister: they get along with humans, that's why they can be put next to each other.
Solitary Author: remains behind due to her inferiority.

i just noticed this last part. interesting, isn't it.

RAH! 

o, i just got jilted. boohoo. now i fear i may not be able to move on at all. i never thought it would be this tough.

i got rejected........... T.T
i guess i deserved it cause before this i actually rejected someone else too. coldly friendzoned him, actually. 

i hope this does not make me go back to the DB.

who knew that having boy issues would be so tough?

#10FavouriteCartoons

the title says it all (; quick! i'm so excited to do this.
*had wanted to put in fanarts but then i was like, hmm nah, original it is.

01. Danny Phantom. 

always able to make me laugh to myself.

02. Hey Arnold!

03. Digimon Frontier. 

i must admit that this one was my most favourite Digimon series.

and not to forget this...

04. Pokemon Advanced, Advanced Battle, Advanced Challenge... the ones with Max and May. just the series that took place in the Hoenn region!

05. The Fairly Odd Parents.

06. Teen Titans.

07. Rugrats. 

i still prefer this one to the All Grown Up version.

08. Courage the Cowardly Dog. 

as sadist as it is... it's still one of my favourites. even though that's a dog!

09. Powerpuff Girls.

hehe.

10. Shaun the Sheep. 

he's just so cute. and all the other sheep, too! [dammit, i can't find any pictures with the baby one.]

so there you have it. ten of my favourite cartoons. and NO, spongebob is not one of them. i never really liked spongebob, really. some episodes were scary! [yeah, Courage was fine but not Spongebob.]

all in all, i just loved Nickelodeon a lot. heh.

o, and favour? does anyone know what cartoon is this? it's a blue- or purple-haired boy in a yellow vest with sausage lips, and he's got a talking dog or something. i can't remember its title! but i liked that one too. the title was the names of the boy and dog if i ain't wrong.

he looked somewhat like this, if i ain't wrong. 

uh huh.

webcamwhoring in my Wrister glasses~! it sure is a boring Saturday, isn't it? 

For you.

if we're both scared, where would the courage come from? or is it already here, deprived of evolution? is the courage gonna remain as just the bravery that came from admitting that i like you? are we never going to progress?

i know you're scared. you know i'm scared too. but i'm willing to try.

it's taken me long enough to find someone else. took me longer to admit it. are we gonna wait eons more for something greater to happen? 

____

 it is a boring Saturday morning. 

o! it's already past noon.

Madness. [rewritten]

yesterday, my classmates gathered to be recorded for the national day video. back at my seat in the classroom, i could hear how happy they were as they sang happy birthday to Singapore.

while they all decorated the classroom, i'd wanted to help, too.

but i felt small.

just a year ago i was running around recording them as they did their work.

i miss my classmates. but i can't do anything about it. they have always been there. they hadn't gone anywhere; i was the one who pulled myself away from their company.

____

my Friday was nothing much. hadn't gone to school and stayed in the house to sleep all day til buka time. which was a solitary affair today. as always.

so, me in school... i hadn't gotten suspended from class this whole week apart from the essay punishment on Tuesday. Mrs Sherri had came out from the office, seen me, and asked what i did. she said i'm really making her worried.

and then Mr Bernard said he's very concerned about what is my problem, and he doubts i would be able to even pass. he'd wanted to talk with me today but i decided to absent myself.

Ms Adimah and Mr Syafie knows it's all about the heartbreak. the former is helping me in pushing aside my emotions while the latter has always been trying to settle my disciplinary stuff quickly, both telling me constantly that it's just a few months left.

well. like i'd said yesterday, each time i say i've moved on, i start crying. how many times had this happened the past few weeks? i hear a POP sound and then right after, each time i think about the memories i feel unaffected. so i feel convinced that i'm done.

and yet, the emotions and tears come flooding back a few weeks later.

each time i say i give up, i continue trying. after those moments of depression i'd tell myself okay, i'm done with trying, i'm not gonna study anymore.

but again, in a short moment i pick up my schoolbooks again.

as the Chesire Cat in the mad version of Alice in Wonderland had said; "Madness is not a state of mind. it is a place." not only do we have to escape it, we have to destroy it as well, along with its equally insane residents, be it negativity or the happiness of your past.

____

i shall get rid of my madness and focus on three things:
my studies,
my conduct grade stuff,
and the boy i have a crush on.

i see it. i shall reach it.

Madness.

every time i say i've moved on, i start crying.
every time i say i give up, i continue trying.

what is this madness?

like i loved to say in my diaries,

this is Madness at its Fullest. 

Sleep.

one simple word. one thing that all of us do and love. possibly one of the joys in life. after food, since not everyone has access to food. but everyone has access to slumber, right?

sleep is a source of solace. it is heaven when you've had a hell of a day. it is more than the warmth of hot chocolate on a rainy night, or ice cream on a hot sunny day. even though you can't really physically feel the comfort when you're in a deep sleep.

sleep is an escape. it is when you dream. your dreams, the things that you wish would happen in reality. that short moment in your dream world where you feel the opposite of how you really do. where you get to escape  from reality and not worry about anything.

yeah, sleep sure is a powerful thing, isn't it.

how was your first day of the month? good? good. awesome? awesome!

mine was neutral.

i just came to blog about Sleep. now that that's done, bye. see you in the parallel world of 109.

p.s. this is my 300th post for the year! [shall someday tell ya my total number of posts (;]