my childhood friend.

am snacking on a strawberry roll and slurping on chocolate vitasoy to wash it down my throat. *yumyum*

aside from that, it sure is a boring Sunday night. as always, though, isn't it? i must admit, i sure ain't making use of my holidays wisely. i've been reading though; this is my current book.

 a little segment from it catches my attention, as always. you see, the Ghost, which is a high school cheerleader, keeps flickering in and out of existence when she's a ghost.

the Goth tells her to say genuine nice things, as that is the only way for her to be able to stay in solid form (although invisible to all apart from the Goth), otherwise she would disappear forever.

"Yeah, but it's also a basic scientific principle," I pointed out. "Ask any of the science club kids, they'll tell you. While you're here, you're primarily a form of energy. Being positive allows more energy to flow through you, helping you stay here. Negative energy, like when you say all those clever and nasty things about people, drains you, eating away at your ability to be here. In simple terms, it's like a battery. Being nice helps you recharge."

i like that. 

been watching so many 2NE1 videos these days, i suddenly remembered having made a video for one of the members of the clique i had been in, to an SS501 song. i remember being so damn irritated during the process because i had to keep the song in my head for a really long time.

it's too big to be uploaded real quickly, and it doesn't help that i hadn't uploaded it anywhere else apart from my previous Fb account (i'd deactivated it). it had been made in late 2010, so it pretty much consists mostly of the Wrister girl.

that aside, i kind of miss going on shopping trips with friends. or window shopping since i don't really buy anything. the times with members of the clique i had been in, the twins, or the boy himself.

in fact i miss talking with friends. kind of. the fact that i'm admitting this is actually kind of an improvement.

o well. whatever had happened, had happened, and i don't think i'm gonna be doing anything to bring back the joys of company.

least i have my childhood friend who still cares for me. nearly thirteen years since i had known her, yet our friendship is constantly on and off.

was it fate that sent us both into the same class in sec three and then make-up bridging at the end of sec four? whatever it is, i'm glad we still had had the chances of interacting with each other.

she's really the one who can make me laugh so hard, even effortlessly. as i type this all the memories i'd had with her, from make-up bridging period to the time we had gone to bugis together.

and i'm smiling on my own.

i like the fact that even after making me laugh so hard, she's still able to look away and continue doing what she was doing with an innocent expression, leaving me next to her laughing to myself like some maniac.

i like how we could look at each other and just laugh without saying anything, despite the emotionless expression which we had had before.

i like how she gets irritated with me but she still loves me very much. *grins*

most of all, i love how i would be lying down in a pathetic little ball on the floor of her house late at night and she would be there, just listening to all my whines. i like how she would scream at me to knock some sense into me after i'd be done crying. she listens first.

i like the weird nicknames she gives me, like Big Monster and Mory (short for moron, apparently).

she's my Small Monster. *grins*

well. the time now is 11:20 PM. am currently chatting with Syamirul while listening to some *cough* twentyone.

i'll blog again if i'm unable to sleep.

"but bro, lampposts ARE bright."

 who says you can only eat porridge when you're sick?

had there been a storm this morning, in the wee hours? i remember waking up to a loud bang, coming from my bedroom door slamming shut or something. after that, i hadn't been able to sleep because of the wind howling.

and a howl it had been! you should have heard it. it was amazing and beautiful in its own way, but no doubt it did scare me. if i hadn't known winds could howl i would have thought supernatural.

had finished Happyface this morning. the book actually contains drawings as well, that's why i had been able to complete it pretty quickly. try reading it, it's a really fun book and it had made me giggle to myself numerously.

am currently watching Aliens in the Attic and it's making me laugh on my own too, still. one part baffled me, somewhere during the final battle part. Tom had called Sparks by its actual name, and i'm like, i thought the kids didn't know its real name?

anyway, i've always wondered which body part of mine do i like best. in the past, many people have admired my height (i'm 171 cm tall) and my eyelashes (they say mine are long), and i do appreciate all my features but i'm not that proud, if you get what i mean.

for all i observe, many people love their eyes. their own, and people of the opposite gender. if i like mine, it's probably not because of the way people look into them, but because of the way i look out of them.

meaning to say i like my eyes because of the way i look at the world. as syamirul would always say; you are weird in a unique way.

nobody is gonna be looking into my eyes for a while now, especially my right one which seems to be off-limits.

i once declared to the foster brother that i wanted to be a lamppost when i grow up. he said lampposts are only needed in the night, and that in the daytime, nobody would notice them. "why would you want to be somebody like that?", he had asked.

it was a good question, but the answer doesn't come as simply. i think lampposts are lucky to be alone in the daytime when everything is fine.

as night falls, they get more scared and start to cry, but at least the moths would keep them company. you know how some moths fly around the lights sometimes?

i still like lampposts though, although he had told me not to be one. he said it's because i have a bright future, which, believe it or not i had responded with a; "well... lampposts are bright." i really ruined the moment.

i'm kind of unoccupied right now, i think i'll continue with my book. it's currently The Ghost and The Goth, about the high school cheerleader who dies and ends up a ghost whom only the weird socially outcast kid can see. unsurprisingly and unfortunately, it is in american english.

currently having a Capsizing the Sea/In Waves marathon. 

a little souvenir to the hotel from me. was just doodling and then i decided to leave bloggie's address, for some reason. i guess it's a sort of ad or something. think i'll collaborate with my aunt to make tees advertising 109blackaxes. *laughs*

meeting the red tadpole again.

one thing i like about non-English songs is that, even though i haven't the slightest clue what the lyrics are, there are still appropriate emotions delivered.

this ain't half bad, you know. i find CL really pretty, and both the videography and storyline are just beautiful. 

*ahem* i barely listen to kpop or stuff like that. this is just an occasional, uhm, release of the inner Nadhie.

what are the biggest lies in the whole world? 

"believe it or not i'm not gonna leave you anymore." 

"i'll take care of you til you find the right guy." 

biggest lies ever. 

imagine this: a girl. two guy friends. three years.

they're the only guys she ever allowed herself to interact with and trust. time and time again they betray her but she still forgives them and trust them whenever they cross paths with her.

she still gets stabbed in the back at the most critical point of her life, but she still misses them and would like to share secrets with them once again.

is she a stupid person?

i don't think she is not. you see, she doesn't allow herself to be easy with all guys, you know. meaning to say she doesnt just give out her trust like that. it's just those two.

it's like this; she chooses to trust only them, or nobody at all. is that stupid?

ugh, i don't know how to put it in words properly. i don't think you guys get it. o well.
____________________________________________
the pink frog jumps from one lily pad to another, lost in her own little world. ironically, this causes her to travel unknowingly to an unfamiliar spot of the lake she lives in.

she never realizes that she's lost, for when she looks up, who was there but none other than the red frog; she focuses her all on him, forgetting her surroundings.

his body was a shade of alizarin crimson, yet he glowed with a bright red from his tadpole days. she thought he was the most handsome frog in the entire lake.

the pink frog's own body is still the shade of carmine which the black tadpole had left her in when they were swimming among the dark recesses of the lake a long time ago.

the red tadpole hadn't been around to witness her in her carmine; only her pink and magenta days did he swim with her. now, as a frog, he doesn't seem to recognize her. he stares at her, absorbing the carmine of the pink frog's body.

she pretends not to recognize him, and feigns a meeting with a stranger. her carmine glows with all the light that the pink tadpole she once was hadn't been able to shine in, further baffling the red frog to believe that he hadn't met her before.

the pink frog gives him one last look before jumping to the next lily pad, further and further from the red frog. she recalls what the black tadpole had told her then; .....someday, you will meet a tadpole, who would be able to make this piece glow brighter than possible for such a tiny fragment...

as if on cue, the gem in the pink frog's chest starts to glow. its brightness isn't that remarkable, but she looks down at it with happiness in her eyes.
___________________________________

it's better to never have had it.

heidiho, i am back in singapore as you can see. (no actually you can't.)

both my brothers have came down with fever, the older one since the days before the trip, and the younger just after the trip. i wonder what's up. and really, stop looking at me like that. it's got nothing to do with me. in fact, i'm unwell myself.

been a little blue since last night's dinner, as i'd told you; a sudden gastric attack which silenced me for the rest of the meal. i'm a little better in terms of tummy now, but my head is starting to throb. and don't forget the same ole emotional issues.

i'd completed The Double Shadow and am halfway through Happyface now; had gone to the library just a while ago. The Double Shadow was marvelous, you should give it a try. it's set in the 1930s to '40s as i'd told you, so don't read it if you've no interest in such settings.

something at the end of the book truly fascinated me; each time Ezra thought of Amaryllis, he would take a match from his box of matchsticks and light one up. and that is metaphorically.

he had one last match left, and was so afraid to light it, until one day many years later he eventually had the courage to do so; and he met someone else with violet eyes and jet-black locks, like the Amaryllis whom he had been forced to leave behind.

it's truly beautiful, in my opinion. don't you just love the matchsticks/hope metaphor?

ah. have i told you; there'd been a time when i woke up from sleep, looking forward to a brand new day only to realize that a sleeve of foster brother's hoodie was wrapped around my neck.

as if it had been trying to strangle me to death...

i'm not gonna exaggerate to the point of saying that the foster brother is out to kill me.

if memory serves me right, that night i had dreamt of the douchebag. *gasps* don't tell me they're acquaintances in some way, and that they are in cahoots to get rid of me?

nah, i told you i wouldn't exaggerate. kind of cool, though.

so i just cooked myself a bowl of noodles. i'd dropped a little pinch of the raw noodle, if you get what i mean, and without thinking i actually threw it into the bin. a little voice had said, that even if i were to throw it into the pot, i wouldnt be able to find it in the bowl later on. if you get what i mean?

well, it let me to start thinking about this; would you rather not be cooked and be thrown away, or be cooked but not eaten at all?

if you're meant to do something, would you do it even if it doesn't help you earn a living? would you continue doing something you love out of passion, or would you rather force yourself to do something you dislike, just to be able to earn money?

i think it's also the same as this; "is it better to have had a good thing and lost it, or never to have had it?" a line from Our Mutual Friend, Charles Dickens.

in my opinion i think the latter is better. at least there's still the hope of having it in time to come, whatever 'it' is in your case. if you've had it and lost it, you'll just think negative like many humans do, and you might lose faith in hope; something which i'm against.

in my humble opinion anyway.

O! i've really pushed myself today. i kept forcing myself to eat despite having lack the appetite or the wellness. *groans*

 i miss the windowsill back at The Zon already.

master of lip-sync.

i'm so tired. every little thing is pissing me off right now.

i'd gotten a sudden gastric attack when i was having my dinner earlier; had immediately lost my appetite and refused to open my mouth, be it to consume food or release words.

am currently sulking away in my corner of the hotel room, listening to old Japanese songs.

at times like these, i would need arms in terms of comfort and weapon. someone to hold me while i cry, and something to shoot with as a release of my anger.

i don't think i've got anything important to tell you guys today. just some personal stuff, which would be boring.

this song ain't that bad, although it's far from my type of music. the videography was nice at the beginning.

in fact,... i just listened to some other songs and 2NE1 ain't that bad, truth be told.

wow, really... i don't have any smart thing to say now.

have you heard of the Woolly Bear Caterpillar? personally, i think it's really beautiful. i heard, that this species take 14 years to change into a moth. before that, it will keep eating and eating in order to quickly cocoon.

there was a documentary on it but i'd missed it, unfortunately. but no matter, i'm fascinated by caterpillars in general. and butterflies, of course. i love the way caterpillars work so hard to be their adult form, their way of immaturity.

animals are sometimes a lot more inhumane than us humans, you know. in my opinion. have you ever met a cat who is in love? not being with another just to mate, but for the sake of true affection.

i think it's beautiful. you can sense the feelings you know, if you happen to cross a pair of felines in love. it's rare, but it's not impossible.

i keep peeing because the hotel room is just too bloody cold !

i am zee Master of Lip-Sync.
(actually i did sing a bit, but it was horrible.)

am currently eating cup noodles whilst flipping through the malaysian version of Seventeen. they made a mistake with the colour codes! triple 0 triple 0 is black; not white, and triple f triple f is white; not black.

hey ....... i like Discovery Channel .

at zee Starbucks.

 this reminds me of a cobra.

heidiho my Axes. i am still here at The Zon; had just gotten back from a shopping trip at zee Angsana. bought myself a long-sleeved striped tee and a transformers notebook with the fifty ringgit my aunt gave me.

still have got some money left-over, which i've no idea what to do with.

well here i am, just slacking by the windowsill. i've made the spot my territory; wanna see?

i think i'll make my way to Starbucks soon. or now? alright, be right back. i make a quick move.
__________________________________
heidiho again! am at the mentioned cafe now. *grins*

i got myself a banana chocolate chip muffin, yumyum.

i think malaysian cab drivers are very friendly and interesting, you know. they've got many stories, and their knowledge on singapore history is fair too, surprisingly. it's just damn sweet.

and earlier on, on the trip back to the hotel, i'd noticed a crow flying alongside the cab, and that was when i thought; if it's easy for birds to flap their wings to fly, why is it so difficult for us humans to use our legs to run?

look, the birds don't tire out of flying. but humans, (namely me) get exhausted after a short run. and not only physically, but metaphorically too.

i guess it's because i specialise in the use of my hands? although i love being outdoors, i'm not athletic in any way. at most is, i'd go for little strolls. did you know?

what's the aim of this topic? hmm... yes, i'd said it before, if my words don't make sense, move away from the surface and look deeper.

i think i shall go walk around now. around the little shopping mall attached to the hotel. i feel like getting myself some white roses. *grins*

shall update again later.

A Grey So Dark boredom video.

yes, i am still drowned in boredom. eh but hey! i ain't the only one awake. pretty much the whole hotel is still far from slumber; even 'partying' doesn't even begin to cover the energy here.

lip-syncing-with-random-hand-gestures is a lot more fun than 'singing'.
I AM BORED BORED BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

a little boredom video.

i'm bored, okay?

and sorry for the weird movements in my mouth at some points. i was using my tongue to dig at my loose tooth. kept looking up cause i was afraid my lil bro or granny would catch me in the act.

didn't sing at all, was just lip-syncing. *laughs*

was shaking my tooth .

bored bored bored !!!! i think i'll be recording many little boredom videos through-out the night. i can't sleep. *look of remorse*

updates from The Zon!

am currently at the Zon.

the first thing i'd done upon stepping into the room was to dash to the windowsill. my dear old windowsill!!! was snapping pictures away when the Little Devil snapped a little picture of me.

the last time i'd put up at the hotel here was two years ago.

a little glimpse of the hotel's "inner circle". that's what i call it anyway, cause the little area is just so cozy.

a few webcamwhore moments;

and now here i am by the windowsill with my little Courage.

i'd gotten more mocha-flavoured milo!!! hooray!

The Double Shadow is just so great thus far. a little conversation from it which caught my attention:

'Oh, Mother,' she said, wrapping her arms about her, 'what are we going to do?'
'What we always do,' said Nancy.
'What's that?' sniffed Olive.
'Survive.' 

isn't that what we've always been doing? it's true, don't you think? all that we do are survival instincts. even our studying play a part in our future.

as i'd said before, every little thing you do in your life is a part of one long journey. making a choice does not end the decision. you've still got to do what you must to fulfill what you've chosen; even so, once all that is done, it just means it is the time for you to make a new decision. get it?

so all your actions play a very important part in your whole life. every mistake is thought to make you stronger, every success is thought to make you hungry for more life. 

hohum. nobody's been texting me. i only spent 15 bucks of my prepaid in a span of two weeks! o and how i'd like to borrow some comic books from here on. i've been reading books for too long; needa get my hands on some Marvel soon. *grins*

i'm addicted to The La's version of There She Goes. and look! this song is so beautiful. listen to its lyrics.

it's so beautiful.

okay, i'm going to change my bloggie a little bit now. after this i'll be continuing with The Double Shadow! will blog at any chance i get. might be hanging out at the Starbucks tomorrow morning.

o and just so you know, i'm actually using my own broadband thingy. the Zon is actually still under Singapore's line. pretty convenient, isn't it?

teddy bears on a picnic!

this is my current book.

it's set in 1937, and the characters' names are all truly unique and beautiful. such as Amaryllis (from what i understand, is the main character) and Ezra (which is actually a guy name).

i'd just gone to the library to renew a book today. hadn't stayed to read that long, just enough for one chapter. and i'm a little sick. plus, been sneezing since this morning.

as always i'm keeping quiet about it, and guess what? i'm gonna be going to Malaysia again today. *sigh* o well. i just hope i can get my rest at the hotel.

we're going to the Zon! that's one thing which i'm excited about, regarding this trip. i miss the windowsills so much. but apart from that, i'm still feeling terrible. this morning in the wee hours, i had bawled my eyes to sleep, literally. i woke up fine though, despite the weird dream i had had.

anyway, about The Double Shadow. it featured this song in it, and i kind of like it. it's called The Teddy Bears' Picnic. listen to the lyrics! it's fun.

*laughs* teddy bears gonna eat you up in your sleep! and don't go to the woods lest you want to be fought over by dozens and hundreds and thousands of teddy bears! they want to eat marvelous things, namely... you. *grins*

killer teddy bears are kind of interesting, though, aren't they?

my wind chimes seem so angry today, mainly because of the wind of course. it upsets me. i'm afraid the fragility of the pieces on the chimes would give way suddenly. that'll be awful !

i am in the midst of changing my wardrobe. although i've no idea what to do for footwear; must i really trade my dear Nikes for something more feminine?

because it's just strange, really; today i had worn a top and skinnies, both of which were from shops like Bugis St. it's odd to complete the look with a pair of Nikes.

o, shit! i've got to go. talk to you later, my Axes.

update.

WHAT THE HELL, MAN. WHAT THE HELL ?

that's all i can say.

apart from that, guess what? after all he'd said and done yesterday, my older brother has got a severe fever right now. he'd been vomitting the whole day, and it seems like he's really really sick.

i assure you, i have got nothing to do with that. i don't do hexes or shit like that. *grins*

had gone to Guilley today, and my cousin Abang Ma'in got me a seashell wind chime! there's a new cat in the house, except not literally. this cat ain't allowed in because she doesn't get along with the existing 6. i forgot her name. boplok?

well yeah, so anyway. am currently reading The Double Shadow. (you see, i did it again! typed 'douche' instead of 'double'.)

i'm in the mood to do something crazy right now. or something which i've never done.

o! i should probably change my wardrobe. was at cotton on with syazana and her mom the other time, when the latter told me i should wear more bright colours.

i had replied; "nah, not yet." which apparently further dismisses the point, because syazie's mom argued that it's because i'm young, that's why i've got to experiment with colours before it clashes with my age.

plus, the other time when i had gone to bugis with syazie, she had told me to stop looking at black dresses. well... i guess her mom had had a point.

well. it's five minutes past midnight. i'm in the mood for a late-night phone call, but unfortunately for me there ain't nobody to do that with me. hohum. awesome.

in the meantime, i'll just continue listening to my playlist on WMP. currently playing Space x Time, a collaboration between dear TFT's Maika Maile and a Dana Harmon.

it's just so strange, really. at times, i get angry with all that's happened. at other times, i miss the memories terribly and beg for the person to return.

but now, i am feeling neither of that. instead, i feel inspired to bring back the memories in the form of a film.

of course, before i do that, i'll write the book first. definitely.

i'm already excited.
_________________________________
it has been 22 minutes after midnight. i'm crying right now, the tears as silent as ever. or maybe they're just drowned out by the music blasting into my ears.

either way, i can't hear my sniffs or sobs, and i try to ignore them when they do get too loud.

why am i upset this time? sigh...

if i keep up the crying, i'd probably end up with a very high fever by tomorrow evening, latest.
_________________________________
"if you don't know how to play the game, don't roll the dice."

i've survived the first 48 minutes of the 6th of June, 2012. i'm so tired. i want to bask in someone's solace. i want to be held in somebody's arms. to be comforted... by a human.
_________________________________
hey, fuck this.

i hate this. i can't take this anymore.

if suicide wasn't such a crime i would've committed it a long time ago. i swear.

fuck this. really.

an inhumane trade.

heidiho. i am awake, as you can see.

"it's 3 in the morning and i'm still not sleeping; cause i'm finally running your race."

i'd completed The Vanishing Game. it was a great book, honestly. it really took me for a ride! in more ways than one. i highly recommend it, although it is not in British English, contradictory to the advice i'd given to O Level takers.

i've started on my next book already; The Double Shadow; but i got tired after the first two chapters. (i ended up typing out 'douche' instead of 'double', would you believe it?)

and yes, i am still up. awake. not in slumber. nnnmmmnngghhhnmnhgnmhhggnn. at times like these, i wish i have someone. someone to fuss over me.

you know , i get flashbacks of the younger twin's face a lot. and, honestly, a big part of me misses him, but a bigger part of me actually questions his existence.

there's something in me which doesn't believe that someone like him had ever existed. i can imagine 'Irfan noorhalim; but not his younger twin brother.

i can't believe having been with someone like him, or even having had a crush on him for years. hell, don't you get it? i don't even believe he EXISTS.

as time passes, am i just trying to deny my past? is this just my way of trying to forget?

if it is, it's a lot more painful. it seems inhuman. to erase his existence from the world in order to release the pain from my heart; it's an inhumane trade.

yes, as you would have guessed, i'm still not over the boy. the cold person i made myself to be; is it because i'm still reserving my affection for him or am i just too scarred to risk being close to guys again?

i don't know. i wish someone would bother to melt the ice and find out. i don't think that someone would be me; i have gotten my sense knocked out of me so many times before, til there's very little left.

"you know when i hate you, it is because i love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul."

that phrase has always haunted me ever since i first read it a few months ago. it's probably what i'm going through.

i do have the desire still, to stab a blade through his chest, where his heart lays. truth be told. i hadn't seen him since he stood at my school gate a couple of months before, and that was just his back.

i don't even want to imagine how i'd react if i were to see his face.

i don't know why i'm like this. i'm just... selfish. to help me forget the sweet memories and the pain he'd caused me, the ceasing of his existence is most relevant.

of course, if i were to kill him, there'd be consequences too.

please. don't let me see him. please. protect him from me. protect me from myself; the ugly side of me.

these trades are just... too cruel.

and. i need to talk to the older twin.

Naqib E'zuwan.

so two days ago, on a lovely saturday afternoon. i'd gone to the library before making my way to popular to get myself a ring file for my maths stuff.

when i got to elias mall, i'd gotten myself milk tea from the bubble tea shop before making my way back to house. was passing by sheng siong when i decided to get myself chocolate-flavoured soya bean, my second favourite beverage after good ole milk tea.

was struggling to carry the 6 boxes to the counter, and had lingered by the cashier digging out my coins to give her the exact amount of cash.

once all was paid for, i happily took the plastic bag and made my way back to house, stopping to pet jenny on the way despite having so many things in my hands.

had only drank one box that day, because i hadn't wanted to waste the soya bean. i made sure a maximum of one was consumed in one day.

and i had done such a great job. this morning before leaving for mad jack with my younger brother, there'd been 3 boxes still.

when i got home after parting with him (he had gone to the basketball court afterwards to play with his friends) i was surprised to see only 2 left.

i knew it was my older brother, but i dismissed it.

and now, i skip towards the kitchen, looking forward to continuing with my book while slurping on chocolate flavoured soya bean. i don't bother turning on the kitchen lights because i know what it is that i want.

alas, i don't see any boxes of chocolate flavoured soya bean... i squint my eyes, but... no sign of them. slowly, i look at the dustbin by the sink.

two empty boxes of Vitasoy, sitting in the little basket, waiting for me to scream.

but i don't. i regain composure and trot towards my older brother, sitting casually on the platform couch.

"asal Naqib minum Vitasoy!?!?!?" my voice betrays my calmness.

it urks me to have him looking up at me so innocently before he answers calmly, "dua aje per."

AAAAARGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the inside of my head screams. i keep calm on the inside and i just stomp off to my bedroom, trying not to bang the door.

here i sit, unleashing all my anger onto twitter. i'm so pissed! my hard-earned money spent on the chocoyabean, yet half of it gone to someone who doesn't even deserve it. i'm so angry right now!

he's always at home wasting his time away, while i'm the one who takes initiative to go out and buy beverages or snacks with my own money. and yet he consumes my purchases!? unforgivable! despicable!

and now i have nothing to drink while reading my book!
__________________________________________

this was how happy i'd been before realizing the cruel fate of my hard-earned Vitasoy.

want to hear another similar happening, some time back? this was all the way in 2010, and a little fact: it was what made me discover the joys of walking.

it was during fasting month, and both my parents weren't at home to provide for us, so i being the only girl was responsible in the cooking of our break-fast.

the first time i'd done so, both my parents had given me a Kinder Bueno White as a reward. i was so damn happy and had put those in my secret place in the fridge.

there was this one time when i cooked for both my brothers. but they hadn't eaten at the dining table with me. after a grouchy (and forced, i must say) "thank you", my older brother had brought his plate to the living room to watch tv while he ate.

as for my younger brother, he had disappeared that day. he had gone to buka with his friends, if i aint wrong. but i had still cooked for him because i hadn't known.

in any case, there i sat, all alone at the dining table. i cried, you know. i couldn't stop crying. i was so upset. i went for a shower after eating, and wanted to lie in bed while eating my Kinder Bueno White.

and guess what, both of them were gone! i could've sworn they were still there before i went for the showers. i got so damn angry, you know, i was so pissed. and then i started crying.

i went for a walk afterwards, all the way to my then foster brother's house (which was the younger twin). i really couldn't stop crying; i was so upset.

i've always been there for my brothers. but they're never here for me. 

did you know that each time my parents scold me and beat me, they would just look helplessly from the sidelines? either that, or they would pretend nothing's going on in the background, or they would shut themselves in their respective bedrooms.

such losers.

truth be told, i must say; i consider myself the strongest among me and my brothers. they're both wimps.

well yeah, that's just what i'd like to think.

honestly, my older brother has always been stealing my stuff. not just food, but my money as well. i still remember when he took my 20 bucks , two years ago... i had bawled my eyes out. and that wasn't the first time.

the first time he stole my money, in big amounts, had been when i was 12 years old. he stole 15 bucks, if i ain't wrong. and i was so upset. but my mother never did anything to discipline him. she just said she would pay me back.

and did you know? back when i was in primary two. he took a book of mine, and when i found out, i just took it back and returned it to my bedroom. he had the cheek to call me a thief!

i'm grateful for some things, though. 1. the fact that he didn't steal from my parents or little brother.
2. the fact that his friends had never harassed me. (he's always sneaking in some in the wee hours. i know, because i'm sneakier than him.)

i shall go down to EM later on to buy more boxes of chocolate Vitasoy. i really don't want to read without drinking any.

how i so badly want a mini fridge in my sanctuary...

is it older brother or elder brother?

here's a picture of my brothers, for the record.

hohum. i am still very much unoccupied.