I told myself Thursday would be the last time I'd ever meet him. But after all that talk about standing up for what you really want, I couldn't just leave him alone. Because like I'd said, honesty is important, and I couldn't deny that I really like him. I couldn't avoid him.
I used to love the North, especially Woodlands, but I'd had to avoid it ever since my recent break-up, only because of the haunting memories. The last time I'd gone there, I was being a drunk fucktard who was texting and calling up everyone I'd wanted attention from.
First thing that helped me out of this 'fear' was bus 168, which I'd taken from Tampines' retail park. The best part of this bus journey is basically, well, start to finish.
Pretty sure you know how much I love the expressways of Singapore; the thing about 168 is that it goes on the Tampines Expressway and the Seletar Expressway. Just two highways, but it's a big deal to me. When it exited the SLE and went on Woodlands land, it just got better; the fact that it didn't scare me as much as I'd thought.
I still didn't know the layout of Woodlands bus interchange though, shamefully. I'd walked one round only to have him jumping on me from the back by surprise, and leading me back all the way to the berth where I'd alighted at.
He got me iced chocolate, which was a request he'd owed me from Thursday. Just when I thought I'd never meet him again! Hehe. We were being clueless idiots at Starbucks, though the sales dude was nice to us.
Our date today was just at the Waterfront all day, waiting for the sunset. We played swings, ran from one end to the other of the jetty, read our books with the wind blowing through our pages. Most of all, we talked. I'd sworn never to tell my story beyond 2014 to anyone new, but as always, I made him an exception. He didn't judge me anyway, so all was good.
He is so alike me, I couldn't help noticing. The problem with him is just the same as the problem with me back then, so I hope I'd managed to bring the light to him by sharing my own experience.
My darling, you aren't the only one in a tough spot. You aren't the only one who has to make a difficult decision here. I'm torn between too. I'm torn between loving you or leaving you, as you very well know.
Stand up for what you want. That's what I'd always told you. Choose what makes you happy, not because you don't want to hurt someone, or whatever. Stand up for yourself. That's what would make me want to love you.
But thinking of it, I don't want your girl to feel this way. I know how it feels like to lose a love you've spent so long nurturing, a love you've sacrificed for and invested your energy on. It was only a one-year relationship for me and I already felt like shit when he left; how would your girl feel, considering the fact that your relationship has been on for two years?
I should leave. I'm well aware of this. But if I do, I'd be hurting you. And you're the one I'm in love with, not your girl, so I should be caring about your feelings more, right? As sick as it sounds, isn't that the way feelings work? I don't know.
But yeah, you aren't alone. I'm in a tight spot together with you. See the beauty of this mess, is that what you choose will be my choice, and what I choose will be yours.
We parted at where we met, and again, I took my 168 and flew on my expressways. Lucky for me, there were two buses that came at the same time, and I managed to snag the empty one; the ride throughout was peaceful as fuck. I sat hugging my knees for a solid half an hour or so, just marveling at the beauty of Singapore's expressways.
Unlike 2012, I've been strong throughout this break-up. I'm proud of myself for having made it this far, for throwing away my fears to make space for hope. I'll never forget the joys of the relationship with the boy from Johore, but it looks like I'll never cry over the loss again either.
I'm gaining strength as the years pass and experiences grow.
The presence of friends helps. That's what I'd learnt, and it was a big mistake to have let go of my only friends in 2012. So, thank you to whoever's been there for me through this break-up, be it just once or twice or up to today. I'm grateful for you; you know who you are.
P.s. This is my 2000th post! Can you believe I've written that many entries in this little blog of mine? I don't, either! Well, 109blackaxesii just recently celebrated her 6th birthday last November anyway. Hehe. May she progress onward! May she make me proud someday!
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