i only learnt his name on the fifth day of school. that was when we were all in our own Whatsapp group, and we were slowly learning one another's names.
it was lunch with adviser, which up to today remains to be the sweetest classroom memory. at this point of time there were many unknown numbers in the conversation, because i didnt know who was who and couldnt save any contacts.
the next day, some of us had lunch together before school started. he sat beside me, and i learnt his name. he was constantly smiling, the sides of his mouth all the way up to his ears, exposing the braces he had on beneath his lips. he was adorable and good-looking in his own way, although he was short.
he had signed up for the same CCA as me, and on the first day of this, i had went off to meet my boyfriend before coming back to meet this classmate. he had called me, led my way to the lecture hall where the cca was taking place.
due to our differences in arrival, i was put in another room. we stayed in contact through our class Whatsapp group, but i felt so miserable that i was alone in a different room.
we were all made to draw a name from a case, and this name would be our group for the semester or so. when the name i had drawn was called out, i was made to follow the mentioned to gather into our new group.
and lo and behold! the ones from the other room who had drawn her name as well included none other than my classmate. we laughed upon reunion about how lucky we were.
we had a few rounds of ice-breaking with the other group members, and it grew into a common perception of our group leader. we laughed at her, and we laughed among ourselves when we saw her doing something silly. he gave me his comments about her and it was actually the first time he was ever honest with me.
i also learnt that he had wanted to be in the school of film and media studies. like how i did.
photography was the only time we had ever got together as one.
we had our first lesson of SW the next week, and afterwards he was telling us, his classmates, about his broken hamstring. i didnt know what a hamstring was but it sounded really horrible, and the way he walked pictured a glimpse of the pain he must have been feeling.
he wasnt the only one who got injured. my best friend of that time had broken his wrist and ankle, or was it a sprain? i dont remember but i recall clearly that for that period of time, we were all giving special attention to these injured classmates.
we walked slowly with them although we were already late for the next lesson. we took the bus back to school instead of walking because they were having difficulties with the latter. we made them ride the elevator with the crowd while we took the stairs to the classroom.
when this classmate of mine had a terrible cough and fever, we skyped with him in the middle of class. well, it was another classmate who took the initiative but i wanted to talk to him too and see how he was! we all missed his presence. because that was how much he meant.
during the school's birthday celebration at the botanic gardens, our other classmate wouldnt stop disturbing him like how he always does. i was amused at the way he was entertaining him! how i loved my classmates so.
we went for dinner afterwards, the classmates and i, but the first thing i noticed was that particular classmate's absence. after asking around where was he, i got pretty sad to know that he couldnt join us.
we had taken photos using his DSLR, which i'd kept pestering him to upload and name the album to my liking. well he did, and i said to him "thanks Niccy. you are the best!" because he really was.
i talked to my boyfriend a lot about him, about how determined he always seemed to be, to get things right. about how frustrated he was when he couldnt get something, how he kept trying til he got it.
sometimes he gets too frustrated at things unreasonably; sometimes he gets too sad til he boiled with rage. but no matter what, i had always admired him for this determination. for the way he was driven by his desires.
i don't know what happened though. we were never that close to begin with, but somehow we grew a little more distant. til eventually, i guess he just started disliking me altogether.
i had a lot on my mind. and like what we all do to our thoughts, i tweeted mine. i dont know if it was really directed at me but each time i tweeted, he'd tweet right after, telling one to 'grow up' and 'stop being so immature', and to 'just face the facts lah'.
they were downright accurate, but i didnt want to think they were for me. so i just decided No, his tweets were not for me. because maybe they really werent.
i once accidentally left the class Whatsapp group, and another classmate of mine showed the conversation they had right after. this particular classmate i've been talking about had a reaction that, when thought about, told me how much he really disliked me.
but i dont know.. i couldnt really say anything. it was all in my head, just assumptions and judgements. i didnt want to fuel things further.
it all started with tweets though. i saw a few more tweets that seemed to be prodding at me. i took a snapshot of one and texted him straight; "is this meant for me?" he didnt answer, but he had seen my text. instead of responding, all he could do was indirect more of his tweets to me.
i wasnt angry at first. initially all i was, was upset and disheartened. after all i had always looked up to him and never had i owned the intention of discriminating him.
he's a smart person, and i've wanted to ask him questions regarding engineering maths, i'd asked on the class Whatsapp, asking him to please help me, but of course, he disregarded my plea. maybe the way i said it was rude, or maybe my question was just 'a stupid question which deserves no answers', i dont know. at least, i had tried.
with both of us owning a huge ego acting as walls between us, i'm not sure when we will ever act like classmates again, or if we ever would. i'd like to keep trying, but Maths needs me more than this friendship does.
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