My worst night ever.

so my last few days have been insane, as every other weekend has always been. i've got to share with you my Saturday though, because that night was totally the worst night i've ever had.

Saturday night (L), Sunday (R).

i was already dreading it as you could see in the previous post, which i had written before making my way to Kak Siti's house prior to the dinner.

my uncles drove me there, and i told them about how i knew this was gonna be one horrible night because of my social awkwardness and blablabla.

when we got to Kak Siti's house, everything seemed strange and i thought i had walked in on the wrong house! i immediately dashed out back to my uncle's car, but that was when i heard Kak Siti calling out to me.

we went to her room where Nadia was, and that was when i knew i was so not looking forward to this dinner.

we took a cab to the country club where the dinner was, had lunch there first, which everyone left halfway to do more preparation for the dinner, leaving me literally dangling my legs while they were rushing here and there.

i didn't want to sit there any longer, cause it'd be like what the hell why isn't she doing anything, but when i asked around if anyone needed help they all said they were good.

and then came the time where we had to get ready, which was fine at first because we were all talking and laughing [me and the other bridesmaids] but then i started to feel so low because they were all busy preparing but also had to help me with my makeup and shit.

i don't know, i really felt so useless already. and i kept laughing when they were helping me with my makeup, which i was afraid would piss them off a lot more, o gosh.

the walk in was okay, i wasn't stumbling upon my heels thank goodness, and i was smiling all the way. but when we got to our tables afterwards, everything just went downhill.

i was really there only because i was so-called "representing" my uncle, who is Kak Siti's father, while the rest of the guests at that dinner were friends and relatives of her mother and stepfather. there was nobody i knew, nobody i could talk to.

Daniel and Zharfan happened to be working there, and the former came over and talked to me for a bit, which made the thing a little bit more bearable. by then everyone else was up and dancing away, and i really mean dancing, you know how angmohs really knew how to party and shit.

and being the socially awkward piplup i was, i couldn't join them in that, no i can't. so i just sat in the corner, playing with my phone, tweeting for someone, anyone, to come rescue me; my classmates especially, how i wanted them so much at that moment.

i kept thinking everyone was judging me, for my every little move. i kept thinking everyone was looking at me, asking each other why the hell is she here.

i really felt like there was absolutely no need for me to be there. and you all already know how bad my self conscious shit is; i really wanted to cry right there.

you won't really know how i feel, but really. i didn't see a need in my being there. at first i was blaming myself for being so unsociable. but later on i started blaming Kak Siti, for inviting me to this dinner, for letting me get outnumbered by the members of her current family, while here i was the only one from the family of the biological father.

called my aunt to fetch me from there, telling her i was super upset, and when i was finally in the car, around nearly 11, my uncle said: "we managed to rescue the damsel in distress." and that was when i let go of my tears. and cry i did, like a little girl.

i told them fragments of my feelings that evening, and i really couldn't stop crying; my voice is really so horrible when i'm crying.

when i got to Pasir Ris, i immediately went to my cupboard and hid inside, crying my eyes out. i kept thinking about how i had practically suffered for the dinner, and i cried and cried. i was bawling like a baby.

my grandma found me and asked what was wrong but i wouldn't tell her, til she had to call my aunt to ask what was wrong. when she hung up, she told me to not to cry or else she would start to, too.

still, i was so upset, almost traumatised, and i couldn't stop stuffing myself with Hello Pandas. one after another, with tears and snot all over my chin.

texted my best friend Niccy J, and, well, that was a good end to that night.

started off Sunday with really puffy eyes, which made me feel and look so exhausted. my right eye seemed to have gotten another infection, but i went through the last lap of Kak Siti's wedding and ended the day back here at my home where my six crazy cats are.

spent yesterday going to Tamp to buy christmas presents, after fetching Shushan from her workplace. i thought i was gonna meet Nic afterwards but turned out, he couldn't go out. truth be told i dressed myself up a little, with my lacey collared top, cause i thought we were gonna meet.

anyway, i really love what i got for him! i could have gotten one for myself too if it wasn't so expensive.

split with Shushan, and went to meet Jiayao for a while. he helped me to buy cigarettes and i had a good smoke with him, and sharing a few of our feelings, shit like that.

so yes, i suppose that was how my weekend was. it's Christmas, and fuck me for being so excited about this when i don't even remember when is Nabi Muhammad's birthday.

and Tumblr is full of Ice-Type Pokemon!

okay, i shall make my way now. i'm gonna start at work on Thursday! i'll have to get myself safety shoes prior to that, and spectacle hooks so my glasses wouldn't drop off. will be surrounded by fire... best!