Goodbye ego

You know what I'm gonna say. [A part of me isn't sure if you'd be reading this, but you did say that you would always read my every post. I believe you.]

After the whole Clementi episode [see previous post by clicking the arrow at the bottom of this post if you are on mobile] , I didn't text him at all. It was probably the longest I'd gone without trying to start a conversation with him, or apologising or whatever. About 24 hours, and that's already a long time.

I would probably have asked him out honestly, probably would have texted him at 4pm. But my cousin already made a date with me so I just decided that, Okay, let's just continue not texting him for a little longer. I didn't have the time to check my phone when I was already with my cousin and her hubby anyway. I only used my phone to Instagram my yoghurt and when I was finally on the way home.

And what did I see? He had DM-ed me, saying goodbye. Went to his profile to see that he had removed me from his bio and was tweeting shit like being alone and, shit. My first reaction was WHAAAT. I guess at this point of time I was so not bothered that I just went to my bio and removed him. And straightway tweeted about badly needing to pee.

The first thing he tweeted afterwards was a "Are you really done with me?"
1. I did not decide on anything didn't I? You were the one who suddenly made this decision without talking to me first. Communication. That's also one important thing of a relationship. But you? You never had communication with me recently as well. And then just decided on a break-up without even telling me what's wrong.
2. That tone was just so fucking doubtful. At this point of time you'd think he should have straightway texted me himself, and start a bloody conversation regarding this issue. But nope. Nope. NOPE.

Am I really done with you? Ask yourself. You know me better.

But in case not, I'm just gonna go through some things I've done which should easily answer your question.

How many times... Have I put everything behind me?
Whenever we fought and you said something like "I think we should part,", I'd straightaway go against it, asking you why and just asking you to tell me what's wrong. Even on the occasions I said Yea sure goodbye, the very next day or even hour I'd still be like Hey babe what's up.

How many times... Have I said I've given up on you, only to try again?
You were so busy all the time, or just, gaming. You'd reply hours later, most of the time when I'm already asleep. This issue had been going on for a few months already, but the reason why I still stayed was because I put all that behind me.

How many times... Have I fought for you?
The real question is how many times have you left me?

How many times... Have I put my ego aside for you?
You know how huge my ego is. If I hadn't put it aside for you all the time we'd probably have broken up like two months into our relationship. Because you taught me not to be egoistic. Sure, most of the time I still have a hint of that pride in me, but at the end of the day, I chose to lose that instead of losing you.

How many times... Have I left you, only to say sorry afterwards?
I always told you "That's it, we're over. Don't talk to me anymore.", shit like that. The next day, I'd be saying good morning or I'm sorry for getting angry at you, or just straightway asking you to eat dinner with me after school, like nothing happened. Because leaving you was never what I wanted. It was all said in anger. And that's why I wasn't gonna let this stupid emotion get the best of me. Of us.

How many times... Have I kept trying?
288 times, everyday from the very day we got together.

Only you and God know what I've done for you. From hunting down maroon pullovers and lollipops to waiting three hours for you to end gym, from cracking my head trying to memorise the Arab prayers for solat [because I didn't know we could say in Malay] to pushing you away no matter how high my temptations were as well.

And if you don't know, this post is the losing of ego on my part. Although I'm not talking to you straight, this post is for you, to show that once again I wanna let go of my pride for you. I'm willing to try again, I'm just not sure about you.

I admit right now that I still want to hold your hand. I still want to walk aimlessly around shopping malls with you. I still want to eat cheap student meals with you. I still want to sulk and hold my laughter in whenever you're being annoying. I still want to go Lan and play L4D with you like what you suggested just three days ago. I still want to put my arms around your neck and kiss you. I just... Still want to be with you.