Hiding out for the time being.

Hello.

Yes. I am still blogging. But not on 109blackaxes anymore. I've changed my link, though just slightly. I'm taking a long break from the eyes of others. I think Siying would be the only one to see this. I don't know if I should let 'Aamir know as well.

I met him yesterday, and no, everything was fine between us. Just that, he told me, that one of his classmates from secondary school had read my blog and told Luke that I was an 'attention-seeker'. I know that I somewhat am, but, for someone who had followed me on Twitter and said "i love reading her blog, it's so relatable", I can't help but feel betrayed by this person whom I had wanted to consider a friend.

I've lost quite a number of followers during my tipsy tweeting. There's also something called stats and yes, I have been losing page views. I'm not sure who even reads my blog anymore. I've never had many readers to begin with. And deep inside I know I'm not that welcomed by the society... I know nobody would read this blog as long as I am the one who writes it.

Part of me also tells me that I'm not well-received by others because they don't think I belong. Like I'd said, I'm always hanging in between. This includes the society thing. Am I part of the Malay society or not? I'm gonna babble here. But no, I don't think I can be considered part of it because I hang out with more Chinese people, and I also don't talk or act like a 'typical Malay', in my opinion... Or do I? Sigh.

Or maybe because my brother already has a place in the Malay society, and that there aren't any more spaces for a little sister. Idk. I can go on with the possibilities of why people don't read my blog, but the bottom line is that I just don't belong in this society.

Sometimes I wish I'm a Chinese here. Sometimes I think it's because there are so few Malays in Singapore that everyone can so easily decide who belongs and who doesn't, just by making one glance into the society. Maybe that's why there aren't any Malay Singaporean bloggers. Chinese Singaporeans seem to be more open and less judgmental. Idk. Am I making sense? I think I am. But maybe not to you.

It also isn't helping not to have a fashion sense. Like I'd said; you either cover up, or you don't. And with every girl in this country following current trends, nobody is going to read my blog, knowing that I can't do any fashion shit or help them style shit. You know what I mean???

What the fuck am I babbling though? Yes, I know I have no place in society. That's why I'm just going to hide out here if I want to continue doing what I love... Yes. Hell yes I want to continue blogging and writing. I'm just taking this break from other people. [Though I just said nobody reads it anyway... But nevermind. Sigh sigh]

I've been spending the day discovering fashion Youtubers from outside of Singapore, and I'm really envious of their ability to dress themselves up. I'm not only short of confidence, but I also have neither money nor approval from the grandmother to dress however I want.

Just today I told her that I wanted to buy stockings so I could wear it with some dresses that I've never got to wear... And the first thing she said was, "NO. IT WOULD BE AN EYESORE." Oh grandma, the reason why I even want stockings is because I want to cover up my legs the way you want me to.

I'm close to wanting to return to Pasir Ris just so I could leave the house wearing what I want. I'd like to experiment too okay? I'd like to wear shorts and short skirts and sleeveless tops or sheer tops too. I live in Singapore damn it... I'd want to wear dresses without the stockings without waiting for rainy days to use as opportunity.

That's all for now I guess. For now, only Siying can read my entries. Well, I'm gonna use this to rant occasionally as well then. I hope nobody finds this. I just added two ii's at the back of my old link, but you know what they say: "The safest place is the most dangerous place." (;