i never thought i would ever meet someone like 'Aamir. in the past, when i was with Irshad and still brooding over him, i told myself so many times that i would never find someone like him.
people were telling me it's because i'd meet someone who is better than him. i kept shaking my head in denial, believing with all my heart that there would never be anyone funnier, or cuter, or braver, or stronger, than he was.
but here i am. with a boy named 'Aamir.
we've not known each other for long, but it feels like we've known each other, and only each other, all our lives.
as much as i'm happy with the fact that we're always talking about our future like we have a clue; a part of me tells me that it's not because we love each other that makes me want to spend the rest of my life with him.
just like the dreams i have at night, or the inference questions we used to do in Social Studies; the lesser i know, the more possibilities there are. that's why i keep thinking that 'Aamir and i can be together as long as i want to: because we don't know shit about each other.
i can't deny that this boy was one of the faces i had seen when i was going blind, one of the hands who had grabbed me when i was falling off the cliff of hardships. and as each day passes, he's always saving me from all kinds of abysses which i force myself to drown in.
but i feel like i still have a lot to learn about him. and vice versa. how would he react if he sees how ugly i really am? what would his response be to the stories of my past, of my inhumane thoughts, of the craziness that lay beneath my hat?
was being excited on the North South Line again yesterday [had accidentally referred to the Red line as North East in my previous entries], especially my personal favourite; Yio Chu Kang to Khatib. at one point of time, it did feel like an aeroplane, when one side went a little higher than the other! nevermind.
i'd arrived right on time, two minutes after the designated time that 'Aamir and i were supposed to meet. took a walk through Causeway Point to the other side, observing the people whom i called "Northern".
i felt so foreign there. i'm not sure how to describe it but there was something that distinguished the girls on the North side from the girls back home in the East. forgive this exaggeration, o fuck it.
upon our union, the first thing 'Aamir wanted was a posb machine, which we went to the basement to look for. i got excited when i saw The Icing Room, and he did too, knowing how i'd gotten addicted to its puffs a few days before.
i bought two of the chocolate ones and gave him a try, to get him a little addicted to it as well. bumped into Famous Amos next, and i'd wanted to buy some too but decided not to.
we settled for sushi and black pepper chicken from Cold Storage though, and were looking for beverage stores like Gongcha or Each A Cup [me snapping at him, "how could you not know anything, this is your turf."] when he pointed out a Sweettalk right in front of us.
"you ah, cari dengan hidung.", said he.
'Aamir brought me to this place called Woodlands Town Garden, where there was a huge canal which he had shown me in a video once.
it had a nice view, in the humble opinion of a jakonist. trains were passing to and fro, and there were nothing but sky and trees; in comparison to my past where i mostly looked at only the sea.
he sat on the brick ledge with me against it, propped between his knees, and we sang to the songs he was playing on his phone. it started to drizzle but we stayed there til it stopped.
the currents of the water flowing in the canal were really strong, and it reminded me of Heavy Rain where the Origami Killer's brother died beneath the bridge. i tried to cross it, the bridge in reality, but i didn't have the courage, though 'Aamir had managed to leapt across the raging current.
we walked some more, til we got to this really dark and deserted lane where i decided to roam ahead while 'Aamir wasn't noticing. by the time he saw that i wasn't by his side anymore, i was already by a corner which i turned after looking at him for a sec when he called out to me from afar.
i heard him running, his footsteps echoing down the hallway, and i decided to pick up speed as well. i knew it would piss him off, but i just hid behind a wall and watched him frantically looking for me.
when i finally went to where he was, he had his back toward me as he withdrew some cash from the posb machine, and i stood there looking as innocent as i could. he saw me and asked, "where did you go???" to which i answered, "i was waiting for you?", pretending that game of hide-and-seek hadn't happened at all.
had a really quick bite at the side of the road, stuff that we bought from 7-11, gulped down with a bottle of caramel latte or whatever the hell that was, before making our way to the mosque.
okay, fine, so i just waited outside while he went and did his Asar prayers. while waiting for Maghrib, i told him a little about my childhood, and, it seemed that this story made things a lot clearer for him.
it did otherwise for me; i started to cry and my vision was blurred.
he did his Maghrib prayers before we took the bus to Marsiling station where we took a train back to Paya Lebar. we watched PewDiePie and i really could not help laughing!
so honestly, as much as i had wanted 'Aamir to meet my cats, i was so doubtful in letting him see the condition of my house.
i watched him look around the living room and i could tell he was already judging, so i shoved the cats under his nose and forced interaction between them.
funnily though, all of them took an immediate dislike towards him [Tilda and Snowball immediately ran to the storeroom while Halia and Tanda wouldn't stop hissing at him] except for none other than Zorro, who kept sniffing and following 'Aamir around.
i can't forget the image of''Aamir dancing in front of the storeroom while the cats were staring at him with this O.O look on their faces! oh 'Aamir. oh cats.
brought him to my room where he looked around again, and told him this was where i slept. he looked stunned for a moment, before saying quietly, "i feel... sad."
i answered; "this is my home."
he snatched my hat off my head, and announced, "okay, come. we solat Isyak together. i teach you how to take wudhu first." and he did.
it looked so beautiful, us standing with the sejadah laid underneath his feet, me with this doubtful look on my face and him looking serious as he taught me the positions and prayers. i mimicked him as he recited the latter, until i was sure i wouldn't forget.
after all that, though, we lied down on my mattress; my makeshift bed, arms tucked by our sides and eyes out the closed and dusty window.
i told him about the night when the line between the parallel worlds were blurred; when i woke up to see that i was back at Pasir Ris, thinking that my residence at Guilley was just a dream... right before i woke up yet again to find myself back at Guilley for real.
sent him off at 11, and when he finally got a cab, he stood by the open door and stared at me with this sorrowful look in his eyes.
i looked away. and he was gone.
i stayed there sitting on the railings, and i don't know how long i sat, as i didn't have my phone or watch to keep track of the time. i watched the world pass, humans on bicycles and cars honking at jaywalkers, the occasional crow sitting near me. tears down my cheeks and arms shivering as they struggle to give my shoulders support.
every morning, there'd be this guy at the petrol station who would cheer at me; "good morniiiing!" and every morning, i would just ignore him. but last night, when he saw me, he announced just as cheerfully like he always did, "good morniiiing!" despite it being almost midnight.
i couldn't help it, i had to look at him and smile, and he laughed. the other guy waved at me and asked for my number and a phone call, to which i refused with a shake of my head and a grin. as i walked towards my home, he stood up and yelled out, "at least tell me your name!"
i didn't. because it's contradictory of what i really am.
____
my aunt has saved me from the abuse and lack of gratitude from my parents.
my granny has saved me from the negligence of my brothers.
'Aamir has saved me from the heartache caused by an ex boyfriend.
and God has saved me from the hover of razorblades above my shoulder.
these are all my saviours, people whom i'd long tried to push away, but still continued to hold on to me. all that's left is for me to save myself.
i still need to let go. my time of hardships, my struggles, the pain i had inflicted upon myself; that was 2012. the happiness of being with seven girl best friends, outings with all five family members together, dates with an amazing boyfriend; that was 2011.
i am a month late in realising this; but this is 2013.
letting go is a task that was long due. i shall do my best, to fulfill this beginning now.
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