This guy at the library

I fucked around in Choa Chu Kang yesterday and the day before, for no reason really. Just felt like it. I walked around, I sat down, either way observing people around me. 

Just yesterday I spent about 3 or 4 hours sitting at the library just reading my book. Took a break to have lunch with 'Aamir at his school before coming back to continue reading. 

So this guy came along, quite well-dressed with jeans and sneakers [that's what I call nicely dressed, shut up] and sits down right next to me. Judging from the skin colour and the face, I could tell he was Malay because he just looked the part. [is that judging? But it was really obvious okay]

At this point of time I was looking at my book but I wasn't reading. I was looking at him. Not because he was hot and not because I was checking him out; I just had this sudden feeling to see what he was up to. 

He took out his headphones, plugged them into his ear, and took out a reading material. Upon closer inspection I saw that it was a comic, though I'm not sure what comic exactly. I saw Wonder Woman in a frame though, I think. 

So his headphones were on full blast, and at first hearing I heard some metal. But that changed; he pressed a few buttons [it was an iPod... the kind with buttons, because I could hear the click of the buttons when he was going through his playlist] and came the song It's Raining Men. 

Alright, so I got a little impressed that he played that song instead of the metal, I thought it was because he was reading and wanted something less noisy to accompany him. I was expecting some other classics or oldies to come after that. 

Later on I realised that he was just playing the same song over and over again; It's Raining Men. And the stranger thing about it was, he was constantly just pressing something like a "next track" button because I could hear the starts of other metal songs before his iPod settled on It's Raining Men. 

Right to the moment I left, he was doing the same thing: manually playing the same song on repeat [is it not possible to set to 'repeat current track'???] while calmly reading his comic.

I don't know, I find it so strange and funny, like it's something worth sharing and that's why I decided to write about this here. If it's not, then too bad, you still read it anyway. 

The speech that I just cocked up

All around the world, humans use animals for many different reasons. Some keep them as pets, some use them for transport, for food, for their farm work. Some keep them for display, like hobbyists or the zoo. 

Just because of these reasons, some humans think these animals are subjected to their whatever bidding. They think they can treat these animals the way they want to. 

Neglecting the well-being of animals; torturing or killing animals for the sake of pleasure or sport; in other words: animal abuse. 

There've been many cases of animal abuse; most of which go unreported. Probably because the media feels these are not important, not worth telling the whole world about. Why? To protect their sense of humanity?

Have you realised that animals' intelligence are based on how well they are able to obey a human's command? Relatively, a human's mentality is judged off their behaviour that makes them like an animal. Why this comparison? 

As time goes on, the word 'humanity' doesn't make sense anymore. Animals are showing more sense of humanity than humans are. People abuse and kill animals, but animals rarely bother humans, only on occasions of self-defence. Humans go to forests to disturb animals and destroy their homes, but you don't see bears coming to the city to eat your food (only if they're lost though).

Humans think they are so high and mighty just because they can do what they want, but in actual fact, animals are so much more intelligent. 

Do you ever help your classmate of the same class when they are having trouble with their schoolwork? Well, geese who are in formation immediately stop flying if one of them are tired or sick, and wait until it gets better again before they continue flying. This shows how "human" these animals really are, compared to people. 

What I'm trying to say is: animals are equal to us, if not a higher league than us. They do not deserve any abuse; they have the rights to live in peace without you hurting them. You don't see lions or wolves keeping men as pets and torturing them. They have their own lives to lead, and so do we. Keep up with your own life, and stay out of the animals'. 

____

Wrote this in preparation for my speech. I just screwed it up twice the last 5 minutes :-)

The origin of chain messages

Read this some time ago, just thought I'd share it with the handful of my friends who come my blog regularly. Just so you know, I'm writing this from memory and in my own words, so I may have left out some facts or shit like that.

It's your choice to believe this or not, but one thing's for sure, I'll always get goosebumps whenever I think of it, and rush through my shower when I happen to remember it in the bathroom.

I'm not sure what year it was, probably in the 1960's or 70's. A girl was having her shower when she heard a faint sound of a girl's voice. She tried to make out where it was coming from, and apparently its source was... the water pipes???

She listened harder, and the voice turned into a giggle. She got scared, and called out to her mom; who of course told her it was probably just her imagination, and told her to quickly go to bed after her shower.

Her mother thought nothing of it, and went to bed with her daughter in her own room. In the middle of the night, a scream was heard. The mother dashed to her girl's room, to find her missing. A few hours or was it days later, her daughter was found at the bottom of the well, with her throat slit.

This girl wasn't the only one. In the neighbourhood, three other girls too went missing from their bedrooms and died the same way.

So who was the murderer?

Some time ago, before the first girl's life was taken, she and the other three girls were constantly bullying their quiet classmate. They tormented her and pushed her down a well, where she'd knocked her head against the wall, and had broken her neck at an awkward angle.

Their school announced her death, and when asked, these 4 bullies said that she had been the one who had seeked trouble with them; that she was pushed down the well only by accident, out of self-defence.

This story spread across the school like wildfire. Everyone was gossiping about a dead schoolmate... The spirit had gotten angry because everyone had chosen to believe her bullies. She couldn't let them all get away with it like that, so; she decided to take their lives the same way she had died.

Anyone else who believed the bullies' side of the story would also be on her victims list.

That is why, according to those chain messages: if you don't believe this spirit's side of the story or spread the message about her innocence, she'll hunt you down and kill you. Just like what she did with her bullies.

Who knows, if you don't retweet this blog post, she'd consider you as her next victim.

When Happiness and Pain sit on a see-saw

This other day, I was at Clementi Mall with 'Aamir, when he asked me if I would buy him cookies. He's liked these certain cookies since forever, but they're a little on the pricey side. I told him I couldn't buy those for him because they were expensive, and he immediately said it's okay, with this sad look on his face.

I felt bad after that, and I said okay I'll buy them for you, with sincerity yet with pain in the heart thinking of the money I'd have to spend. Ever get that feeling before? When you really don't mind, yet it hurts you to do it, because of a certain personal problem?

This may seem unrelated, and totally off from the above; but this whole thing with 'Aamir and his cookies reminded me of my mother. The way she'd happily buy me things even though she didn't have enough for herself, the way my happiness came before her financial difficulties.

I still remember how I'd always throw a tantrum when she wouldn't buy me a book [Mary-Kate and Ashley books that were probably only S$6.95 back then], until she had to give in. I'd feel happy, yet I'd feel bad, deep inside. Maybe she was also happy to buy what I want, yet reluctant because of the fact that she'd spent her money on something unnecessary.

Even when I'm happy here to be with my grandma and the cats, sometimes this part of me wants to go back to the house in Pasir Ris, and be okay with my parents and brothers again.

If you can't relate, then to make it easier I guess it's like when you have lots of money and you buy so many clothes on impulse, and then when you think about it, you're like, I'm happy with my stuff but all that money... And also like how you'd feel when you break up with someone; It's better this way, but now I don't have a special someone anymore. No?

I can't explain this tug-of-war feeling between your happiness in achieving something, and the reluctance of the sacrifice you had made to get it.

In a way it is.

Some people have no idea how fortunate we Singaporeans are in terms of transportation. We have buses, MRTs, cabs. Sure, sometimes these services get cocked up, but at the end of the day they'll always be there to bring you place to place wherever and whenever.

In my years of living here, I've experienced all kinds of things on these transports. I became fascinated with MRT lines, I got amazed with the views and journeys on long bus rides. And the one from childhood: taxi drivers' stories.

My mom took me out on taxis a lot. To and fro all kinds of places. I've met so many kinds of taxi drivers, and the best one from my childhood was this Chinese one who talked about how much he respected Malays. He was the one who taught me to pronounce Elias the Malay way.

All my life I've listened to their stories, about history in the country and recent news, but I'd never met any taxi driver who listened to mine. Last week I overslept, and because of that, I had to take a cab to school. It was an Indian man, who winded/wound [not sure of the past tense of 'wind down'] his windows to ask where I wanted to go, and only taking me in when I told him to Ngee Ann Poly.

The first question he asked me when I was seated was what course I'm in. Of course, the most dreaded question in my poly life. I straightout told him I was in Engineering, thinking that he was gonna be wow and such amaze and shit. And yep. He was. He said, "Wow, a girl in Engineering!"

But after that, he asked me if it was really my interest at all. I said no. He told me he knew it, and that he knew how it must feel like. He didn't have any interest in Engineering either, but he coped with that shit just for his diploma; because that's when you can really go for whatever you want.

"I wanted to be in Media, but my O Level results were not good enough for that.", I told him, and he said, "No, darling, it doesn't yet matter what you want. Now, since you are in Engineering, you cherish your spot in this course and study hard to get your diploma."

"With a diploma, a huge part of the battle has been won. After that you can go for your Media, no problem", he said. "And it's better if you have a diploma, so you don't have to depend on men when you're married! If the man wants to divorce you, so be it!, you can depend on yourself for money because you can find work on your own!"

He told me as long as there's passion, you'll be able to do anything.

But for now, since this is what I'm in, I've just got to study harder than I've ever loved my passion.

You may think it's nothing much. But to me, it means more than you imagine. It's something I should have known from the very start. Something I should have drilled into my head along the way of the past half a year or so. And the way he said it, made it seem like this is my battle in life.

This god-damned loneliness

I fucking swear everything and everyone is pissing the fuck out of me right now. I'd woken up late today, and was forced to take a cab to school. There goes 20 bucks, though I'm glad I met this taxi driver. Shall talk about him and our conversations some other time.

For now, I really mean it when EVERYTHING IS PISSING ME OFF. I keep getting typos when I'm texting and typing, and it just drives me crazy to have to push backspace every damn time. And now there's something fucking wrong with my backspace button on the keyboard. It doesn't fucking delete quickly when I hold the damn button what the fuck.

And there's also the damn Internet. I swear, all my life in NP I've never had any damn problems with the Wifi. Never. And I mean it when I say never. It's always been super quick and shit. Now even my damn 3G is faster than the Wifi, and this has never been the fucking case.

Maybe it's because I'm hungry. Yep. BUT WE ALL KNOW I HAVE NO FUCKING FRIENDS IN FUCKING POLY. To eat alone is easier said than done, especially if you are me. It hurts. I'd asked Shi Hui to eat with me but apparently she just wants to rush home as quick as possible... It's 12 noon. Not midnight.

Would love to make friends with one of 'Aamir's guy classmates from secondary school because we seemed to share many interests. But of course the boyfriend doesn't allow it. It's not okay when this classmate of his has the same liking of traveling around the country, when he himself never has time to go further than the West with me.

Started off this post with everything pissing me off. Now I'm just feeling sad.

Am I not fated to make friends, or to keep friends? I want to make friends with girls too but it's so hard, because they always seem a league higher than I am. I know I'm weird, I know I'm not as girlish as you guys but hais.

Maybe if I hadn't screwed things up in Semester 1 I'd still be with Susan and Shafie right now. If I'd studied hard I'd be with Susan, and even if I hadn't, I'd still be close with Shafie right now because most of our current classes are together too. I miss them. I won't admit it, but I miss being with them.

The only people here in poly I'd consider friends are probably just the handful of my Comiss classmates. Still, there are problems because they all probably have their own cliques in school, and we most likely don't have lunch at the same time anyway.

This god-damned loneliness. I have 'Aamir, I have Siying and the rest of the girls, I have Luke whom I'd just forgiven yesterday, but I'm still feeling so fucking lonely. I wish I have a friend who would travel the country with me. I'm sorry to say this but I need someone to take 'Aamir's place in this, because he just never brings me around. I'm travel-deprived, I need to move around please.

Would take this chance to write a little something to a little someone, who reached out to me a few months ago only to just push me away. I get that you just don't want to get too attached to someone because you'll end up hurt. But why didn't you think of me? You actually have the heart to hurt me in order to save yourself? Are you not grateful there's someone here who actually wants to know you better?

Sigh this god-damned loneliness.

In memory of my own prom nights

Last night was prom night for my pies Nura and Nazirah, judging from their Instagram photos, and tonight, by the looks of some tweets on my timeline, is the prom night for none other than my secondary school's 2013 graduates.

Here I am right now, not helping it, in the reminiscence of my own prom night memory. As someone who had taken O Levels in Sec 5, I'd gotten opportunity for two prom nights in secondary school. Heheh. *grins* I'm gonna tell you all about it now...

2011.

Of course, since N Levels had ended first, we NA and NT students of the 2011 cohort had had more time to prepare for this legendary night. Me and my 7 girls were pumped up for it; we had a rare outing of all 8 of us with the intention of getting ourselves prom dresses.

I wasn't very confident to begin with, but I'd gotten myself a dress that was way out of my league. God, I feel so embarrassed recalling this, remembering my excitement for something I shouldn't have been so pumped out about. UGH.

On the very day, I'd gotten help from Sabrina, who wasn't even going herself. Out of the 8 of us, only 5 of us made it to prom night; Farizah who didn't have anything to wear [for all I remember] and Shushan who had bought her dress but couldn't make it due to family emergency.

How I remember so clearly, how beautiful the other 4 of my best friends were. How beautiful they were, and how hideous I were. I swear, I fucking swear... I was utterly hideous. I'm not lying when I say I'm dead embarrassed by this memory. I feel like crying now.

Not only that. You see, at that time I was like the class videographer, recording memories and shit around 4/2 2011. I'd used all my footage from the year to make a video for that night, because all the classes had to make one to be shown on the big screen. How pumped up I was, how hard I worked on that god damned video.

And what happened? Two of my classmates from the other classroom clique had made their own, and our form teacher had used that to be shown on the screen. To think that I believed my form teacher when she said she liked mine and that she would use it. She was the one who asked me to make it anyway, after I'd told her my hobby of making videos. Their video was just a simple slide show anyway. Mine had footage which corresponded with a song that described us as a class, and even a speech from our class Chairman who had been the one to hold our class together the entire year.

You know how heartbroken I was? Well I'll tell you how shattered I was: 5 seconds into their video, I realised it wasn't what I'd made, and I broke down into wails that were loud enough to make everyone look at me. Exactly like a baby's wailing, except it was from this ugly girl in a hideous dress on her fucking prom night.

Don't let me go on to the dancing part please.

2012.

Aha. The lonely year. You can pretty much know what to expect from a socially anxious girl with no friends on her prom night.

First things first, I'd gotten into suspension nearly half the year, and because of this, the discipline master wouldn't allow me to go for this prom night. I didn't give a shit actually, until the time when the other girls from my 5/1 2012 had asked me to join them for recess.

Since then, I'd come to school more regularly and that was when my form teacher said that the DM was giving me a chance to go for my prom night.

Although I was starting to get along with the rest of my classmates, I still felt unsure about being at prom night with them. I'd heard that the girls from my clique [wasn't with them at the time] weren't going, I'd thought that without at least Shushan or Asleah there [despised Siying and Pearl then and didn't give a shit that they weren't going], I'd feel like crap with the rest of 5/1 which was pretty much their own clique.

Social issues weren't the only problem. There were also the scars. How hideous they made me feel, even if I could hide them. To think it was the last prom I could've gone to, not just prom but graduation night.

So there we go. Pretty much screwed the only prom night I'd made it to, and didn't even turn up for my real graduation night. Here I am now with more confidence than I'd ever had over the last few years, and only just regretting having not made it to the only times when I could have shone.

Even 'Aamir looked so handsome during his own prom night last year. Here he is being so self-conscious and shit but still having the chance to have looked so charming. There's Nura who I know has low self-esteem and still manages to smile and look gorgeous in all her prom photos last night.

I swear to myself, the next time there's a prom or a dance or whatever, I'm fucking going. Whether or not I've any friends or date to go with. And I'll make sure I'll stand tall with my chin up, because that's the only way to look stunning even with this ugly face and heart of mine.

P.s. you can find the Grad Night Vid Surprise For 4/2 video on Youtube.

Woeful Wednesday - Lost between the purple and red lines???

I'm sorry, I know nobody gives a shit but I'm sorry I haven't been writing in for a week T.T I've been busy with school, of course, ending at 5 every day and going home only to be too exhausted to turn on my laptop again.

O Levels are over aren't they! But I'm sorry my dear Natalee, I can't make a date with you anytime soon because of all these rubbish called homework and revision. Sigh.

Okay so yes, I end school at 5 every single day, except for Wednesday, which ends at 12. I've decided that Wednesdays shall be my travel days, because who the hell wants to go home at 12 in the afternoon? Okay tired people would. But not me!

Last, last Wednesday I'd gone to Bishan and took bus 54 [I think] to Far East Plaza. I'd wanted to go Woodleigh but there weren't any buses that specified 'Woodleigh Stn'.

And then last Wednesday I'd gone to Serangoon because someone had purchased my item on Carousell. Took a 52 to Bishan where I took a 53 to Serangoon, and don't laugh at me, but... I just found out that Ang Mo Kio is right next to Serangoon. WOW.

Right after trading the item for money, I still had free time so I decided to go Woodleigh. It's just one station after Serangoon on the North East Line, but we all know me. I was deadset on taking a full bus journey, so that was just what I tried to do.

I took bus 70 from Serangoon, because the board says it passes a "Gracehaven S Army". I automatically assumed it to be a Salvation Army thrift store, because the one at Upper Bukit Timah is called Praisehaven after all. I thought everything would go fine!

Well, and then I missed the stop. I had Woodleigh on my mind, but I realised that I was already in Yio Chu Kang territory. Do you know how freaked out I was!? Sure, I may be an expert in the North South Line, but damn! What the hell!? I was in Serangoon just a minute ago...!?

I alighted in the middle of nowhere and crossed the road to take the same bus back. I found the Gracehaven, but it turned out not to be a store. Sure, it was a Salvation Army building, but it wasn't a store. I just continued walking on ahead, until I ended up on a random avenue in Hougang ._.

It took me a while to surrender. I was so insistent on traveling by bus, and I was so damn determined to find Woodleigh station via buses. In the end I gave up, took 109 back to Serangoon and just took the MRT. Do you know how many pieces my heart had broken into when I tapped my Ez-link card on the reader!? Do you!?

When I got to Woodleigh, I made sure to see what buses stopped at that bus stop. And guess what? There was a bus 13. Which is a bus that freaking comes from god damned Bishan station. [not the Interchange, but the station outside Junction 8] Like damn!

I guess I have a lot to learn. But at least now I know that MRT Lines are not equal to roads! It's about time I travel the roads, and thanks to bus concession and my free Wednesday afternoons, I guess that's no problem at all!

As for the coming week, I've already made a few plans for different days. Pumped up for each and every one of them! Shall blog about my Carousell loots very soon. Have done a trade, have posted out a parcel for the very first time of my life thanks to the best friend Siying, and currently awaiting for my own parcel to arrive. Whoopwhoop!

I've had bad experiences with postage, even with registered mailing. I can never forget my Pikachu thumbdrives the most, because I'd gotten one for 'Aamir as well, only to be told they had been 'lost in the mail'. I never really trusted mailing after that. Now is my first time in a long time accepting it back into my life. Hope it doesn't screw up this time.

Sad parts of being tall

If you're a girl and I ask you what quality of mine would you like, you'd most probably say my height. Right? All my life I've always been getting remarks about my height, about girls wanting to be tall.

I've been tall all my life, even as a young primary schoolkid. I grow older and people tell me to be a model or a stewardess. But just so you know, being tall as a girl isn't as fantastic as you think.

Right from the beginning of primary school, I remember very clearly how the teacher told us to arrange ourselves from shortest to tallest. At that time I was the third tallest girl in class, and I was always put at the back of the line, or the classroom.

The first time we took a class photo in primary 1, I was always to be put at the back row. The photographer will be like, "Please arrange yourselves to your height.", and all the girls would immediately know to put themselves before me.

The problem remained even when I grew older. When I was in lower sec, there weren't many guys to crush on because all of them were shorter than me. When I got together with the guy whom I had a crush on since sec 2, everyone laughed because we didn't suit each other; he was a little shorter than me, that's why.

Even now in 2013, I still see many setbacks about being tall. My latest addiction to Carousell; the clothes there are usually secondhand, and selling because of reasons like "too short for me" or "too tight for me". Most of those girls are of average height or petite; if they can't fit, neither can I. I'd always have to ask for measurements and most of the time, it's still too short for me.

Even the preorders are tailored for shorter girls. I've tried to pre-order some tops before, and sadly they were of short lengths, and do not look good on me at all. You know the word singkat? As ugly as the word, that's how ugly singkat stuff looks on me.

Not many boys will like you if you're tall either. I guess guys just want girls shorter than them so they won't feel overpowered, and so they won't look weird together.

Yes I have 'Aamir, but even so, yes there are still sad parts of being tall. Girls like taller guys, so they can bury their face in their chests when you hug. I can't deny that I'd actually like that either. I do accept that 'Aamir is the same height as me, but I wish I can totally drown myself in his arms instead of having to hang my head over his shoulder.

And then there's the issue with heels. The only reason why I'm not used to them is because I don't wear them; but that's because of my height! I actually would love to wear heels! But with a clique of girl best friends of average and petite heights who don't always wear heels? No. With a boyfriend of the same height? No.

Even the fashion Youtubers whose videos I like to watch are petite girls. They're always giving tips about how to make yourself look tall, or other fashion ideas for petite girls. I need a fashion Youtuber who is 170 cm tall please!!!

And also. You can never be cute if you're tall. Or, you have to be cool/hot/sexy. Damn, Idk whether you agree but this is what my self-conscious tells me. I'm neither of that. It's hard. Here I am, standing tall but damn shy when I'm supposed to be standing proud with my head to the sky. But nope.

Yes, I'm 170 cm tall as of the last time I checked. I'd probably only get the chance to wear heels when 'Aamir has reached his full growth. Probably 3 years from now. I'm slowly learning to cherish my height, and be proud of being tall, as many setbacks as there are.

Miserable Monday - Rescued by the prince

Everyone hates Mondays. Well who doesn't????

Shut up. The answer is me. I like Mondays. 

____

3rd week of Comiss, my favourite module ever! Oh how I look forward to seeing Wani and Shan and everyone else again! I wake up half an hour earlier, do a little notifications check on my phone and get up to decide what to wear. 

I go for my shower first, before settling for my floral chiffon top with the usual black skinnies. Granny makes me hot Milo as usual, along with two pieces of prata. Damn I love prata!! I gobble everything up, despite knowing a stomachache will come, because I'm too excited for school! 

I let pass the fact that it's my first day of the time of the month. Little do I know, that this decision to wolf down breakfast like this would be the worst decision I would have ever made... 

The first few pangs come when I've boarded bus 197. I think I'm doomed, because it's a long journey ahead and there's like one and a half hour more to go before reaching the end. I try to comfort myself by popping in mints, by massaging my tummy, or simply diverting my thoughts. It helps. For a while. 

Trying to act normal and shit, I finally alight at Jurong East and try to walk to JCube. A few steps, and I find that my stomach is feeling better! What fuckery is this? I divert my way and head towards the CPF Building instead, where I can find POSB deposit machines. 

Everything is fine... Until I'm at the front of the line. Once again I try to handle the pain until I've deposited some tens of dollars I've saved, before hurrying back to JCube B1. What's with the two Jurong East malls having no toilets on the first floor?

Oh such pain! My stomach is in so much pain! I feel so miserable and angry at the same time, as I sit on the toilet tweeting. I lean back. I bend forward til my hair touches the floor. Finding positions to get that shit out is so intense.

Nothing comes out, but guess what? Instead of pooping, I get up, turn around and immediately vomit into the bowl. I get the urge again, but this time nothing except spit. And then again, this time a lot more vomit than before. It smells like prata in here! I knew eating breakfast is always a terrible idea!

I spit again, and this is when I find it difficult to move. My stomach pains restrict me from making a single move, because I will get the urge to puke again. I try to limit my movements, and it leaves only one thing to do, and that is, believe it or not: to call my boyfriend. 

So I do, I call the fag, and tell him or more like whine to him about what's going on. I don't usually make phone calls when I'm in a toilet cubicle, but here I am, slurring my words like I'm drunk, crying in pain, and raising my voice in frustration when he doesn't get what I'm saying. 

His last words are "I don't know what to do!" , right before I immediately hang up. 

I gather courage to get out, with the intention to lie down somewhere. At this point of time my vision is kind of corrupted, maybe from constantly turning my head upside down earlier. You know when you stand up too quick and the blood rushes to your head and you see stars? I saw those stars for about 2 minutes before they disappear and I can stand straight again. I settle in for the staircase lobby, where it was dimly lit. I find a corner, dumped by bag as a pillow and just crash. God. Why do you do this to me??? 

'Aamir calls. He asks me where I am, and he says he's ditched class and is on his way. God thank you God!!! Thank you for giving me such a kind boyfriend. What have I ever done to deserve this? I lie on the staircase landing, trying not to cry as other shoppers occasionally walk past. 

By the time he reaches I've already made my way out and to a seat on the first floor of JCube. He passes me a box of menstrual Panadols and brings me to NTUC where he buys me a bottle of mineral water. He makes me eat a pill in the middle of the way, insisting that I eat it before we make any other moves. 

Afterwards he tells me to eat and I protest, believing with all my heart that it was the breakfast which made me so miserable. He still insists, and although I've no appetite at all, I give in. 

He buys me McNuggets with hot tea, which I add 4 packs of sugar to. He goes back to being an annoying other half, and that's when I start to feel a little better. The stomach pains fade away.

I've already made an appointment at Lakeside, so he brings me. He and I are just being ourselves again, and I'm feeling so much better! Not only in my tummy but in my heart too awwww. And I manage to trip him like how he's always doing to me! I can't stop giggling. 

____

I like Mondays, yes. 

Though today was a little miserable at first [I swear the cramps were damn painful okay???], today's no exception. I like Mondays. 

Thank you for rescuing me today fag. You're such a kind person I don't even know where to begin. You skipped class and threw your money and face away to buy me menstrual pills, and you can even say "Nah it's my responsibility babe." Why did God send you to me when I'm such an asshole??? Ugh you're so awesome it hurts.

P.s. Still calling you Fag. 

P.p.s Love you (;

Alternate days' updates, and... PICTURES?

Hey there.

I'm in such a comfortable position right now, I don't think I'll complete this post very soon. I'm just slacking here on my pillow, against my pile of clothes hahahahahah. Ha.

So where have I been? What have I been up to? Do you even care? Well, if you don't, then all the more reason for me to tell you! Wowowowowowoooopp!

Shall I tell you my entire week? Well, I suppose I shall. So bear with me. Or maybe I'm just gonna write about the alternate days. Yep. I don't remember what happened on Thursday.

The time now is 12:41PM. We shall see what time I end this post. I'm such a slacker.

Monday, 28th of October, 2013.

Jurong East. 

2nd week of Comiss. I must admit I was already looking forward to this lesson from the very first one. My comiss classmates are such wonderful people! If you remember the guy who held out his hand for the stapler and not for a handshake, yep his name is Shan. And yep he's one of my Comiss classmates.

Best part of that Monday was when Shan began singing suddenly, "Cause I don't wanna lose you now~" It immediately thundered loud right after that, and I was like, "Sial ah, you sing only then got thunder sia!" And I just couldn't stop giggling whenever I thought about the way he sang so horribly!

I met 'Aamir afterwards, we got burgers from Maccy D, sat down at the stairs by the station while I told him many more of the things which happened. And that made me so happy, to be able to tell him my day at school again. Don't even remember the last time I did that.

Oh and by the way, I'd worn a polyester maxi skirt on this day. On my own accord. Anyone proud of me yet?

Wednesday, 30th of October, 2013.

Pasir Ris / Jurong East. 

I'm just gonna skip out on Tuesday because I just had 2 hours of lecture and I went straight home afterwards, so nothing much really happened.

So! Wednesday! The day before, I'd gotten a call from my previous employer [employer really? I'm not sure what to label him] to come collect my cheque when I'm free. I decided to go on Wednesday since I ended school quite early.

Made my way all the way to Pasir Ris, where I took a bus straight to my old workplace, Tampines' retail park. Upon reaching the receptionist said he was out for lunch, so I thought I'd grab my own as well. But alas and alack, I bumped into him on the way out.

Blahblahbloo, he told me to wait at the couch on the 4th floor, and he came out some time later with a cheque. Here's where it gets confusing.

Shushan, who got me this job in the first place, had mentioned CPF. On my last few days of work, I kept counting and recounting the amount my salary would be, and I even subtracted off the CPF amount. It totaled up between the range of 650-700.

When he gave me the cheque, it had $707. I got confused, and I stared at it with this questioning look. The only thing that ran in my mind at the time was, "Why is it so much?"

So he asked me, "Wei, are you okay?", to which I'd answered, "I'm just not sure how to count the CPF."

It was his turn to get lost. He answered, "Oh no, you don't get CPF because you're not through agency. Shushan is, and that's why she has."

So I said, "Well if that's the case, then my pay should definitely be higher than this." [Yes people, I said that]

Blahblahblah again, and I told him that I've been counting my pay, and the salary I should be getting should definitely be more than $800. He brought me back to his office and that was when he saw the mistake: they had counted the hourly rate as 7 instead of the 8 that he had told me on the first day of work.

IN SHORT!, it was a wasted trip to the East.

I traveled back to the West afterwards, back to Jurong East where I met 'Aamir once again. We had an early dinner at Maccy D again, where as always he was irritating the hell out of me.

Afterwards I had to pester him to accompany me window shopping at Topshop because I've never shopped there before. I practically begged him and in the end he only gave me 5 minutes. Meh.

I just had to touch all the long-sleeved chiffon and knit and denim, I just couldn't resist. And I also had to put on every single hat in the store, my goodness! I want a bowler hat!

And yup. That was the end of our date.

Friday, 01st November, 2013.

Tampines / Choa Chu Kang. 

Oh yaaaay first day of the month yaaaaaaayyayyayayyyy.
Yay.

Okay so I had a long day at school. First class was at 8, last ends at 5, with a freaking 3-hours break in between. IT'S EXHAUSTING OKAY? I hate the long break. It's so damn redundant. But that's what I get for being a repeat student, so whatever.

I ended school half an hour earlier so I headed off to Dover to meet Shushan. Destination for the day was Tampines, because a Carouseller had purchased my H&M Stockings. Yup, yay!

But guess what? I was already nearing Simei when the buyer told me neither she nor her brother could make it to meet me. Being the nice person I am, I told her Oh it's okay, I was just passing by my home anyway, I'll just drop by here then. No problem. Because I didn't want her to feel bad.

IN SHORT!, another wasted trip to the East.

So 'Aamir had invited me to his school for the night, because his classmate Dina had a dance performance. The wasted trip to the East had eaten up my time, definitely, and as hard as I'd tried to rush, I didn't make it in time for her performance. I'm so sorry Dina.

I got lost in the school prior to that, and this group of two Malay girls and a Malay guy approached me and asked me for directions. We decided to go together and when we were waiting for the lift, the guy looked at me and said in a low voice to the girls, "Melayu eh?" the girls just shrugged and I heard one of them saying No lah. Well hey, if you are reading this, YES. MELAYU.

I had a merry time though. Idk about you guys but I think Malays are really talented in dancing.

'Aamir and I left early, along with his classmates Farhan and Marcus. While waiting for my bus, the fag kept pestering me to finish the cake that Yazid's mom had made. I pretended to scowl and told him I'd only eat it if he feeds me [just me being annoying, demanding things to irritate him], so he scooped up a whole bunch and told me to open my mouth.

I did, and Idk what happened, but he freaking slammed the cake at the side of my mouth instead. Cream was all over my mouth, and pieces of the cake had fallen to the ground and my freaking maroon jeans.

I really didn't know how to react, I mean, well. He's clumsy, so it could have been an accident. But he's also an asshole, which means it might be on purpose, knowing he'd probably had a mindset of "You want me to feed you, this is what you get muahahahah".

Either way, my reaction would still be an emotionless face because I'm used to it, along with a very pissed "'Aamir Kamsari." BECAUSE HE'S JUST NEVER SHORT OF HIS ANTICS.

But that's just what I like about being with him.

____

I guess that's it for now.

I've been browsing on Carousell a lot, and I've already confirmed wanting to purchase three items. Just today, I'd gotten three enquiries on three different items of mine. But they all decided to pass instead. Sigh. Still can't help getting excited whenever I receive Carousell notifications, yay.

And guess what! From now on, I'm gonna post pictures.
But still to keep in touch with myself, it's just gonna be a once-in-a-month thing. Perhaps a little bit of earlier in the month? Because I'm really excited to show you what I got on Carousell, that's why!

There're flea markets today, which sadly I can't make it to! [because I'm just lazy, so sorry] If you're wandering on the streets right now wondering where to go, try Suntec Convention Centre or Lucky Plaza Level 6.

I'm gonna head back to my endless scrolling through Carousell. How I hope people would buy my items T.T I'm on a journey to change my fashion sense, that's why.

Oh guess what! The time now is 2:41 PM. Two hours to write this post eh. That's slow.

For Nura - Getting started on exploring SG

If I were to tell a new friend, "I love traveling,", they'd immediately think that I'm talking about the world. Yes, everyone who knows me knows I like to travel, but no... I don't get out of my country at all. I travel, but only in Singapore.

This actually only started in the year 2013. Before I met 'Aamir, I'd never been anywhere further than Paya Lebar, where my aunt's house is. In fact, the first time I visited my aunt on my own, without my Mom bringing me, was only 3 years ago. 

Just a year ago I didn't even know how to transfer to the North South Line when I came from Pasir Ris. Maybe it was because Mom was always bringing me everywhere, which most of the time was via cab. Of course I grew older, and of course I moved out and made a new city my new hometown; and that was when I started expanding my horizon.

A job in the East, a school in the West, and a boyfriend from the North. You bet that because of all these little things I had to travel a lot around. Everything was fine until the point of time when I realised that adult fare really sucks. School started and I discovered an all-bus journey from home, so as much as I liked the MRT, I decided that bus concession was a lot more worth it. 

So what's my point of this post??? I've actually been planning to write about my "navigational memory/gift" shit, but that won't be it. I read my good friend Nura's blog post, about how she wants to explore Singapore. I'm gonna write about a few of the things I did when I started out this exploring thing, and other things you'd like to do when starting out yourself. 

I'm not sure if this would help you, or if this post is damn irrelevant because I know Singapore is small and many people think it's not worth exploring because there's nothing here. If that's what you think, I suggest you walk the whole country without discovering new things, before I allow you to tell me there's nothing interesting here. 

And I'd also prefer for you to shut up unless you can go to any place in Singapore without getting lost.

Oh yes, I've remembered my intention of this post. It's to assure Nura that with these factors, you will never get lost if you want to explore. 

1. MRT Lines

Yes. My best friend. Start out by exploring the many different MRT Lines. Start out going on the line you're familiar with, but right at the other end instead. If you're from Jurong East, head on to Bishan. If you're from Tampines, head on to Boon Lay. Eventually you'll want to move on to the other lines, and that's just the fun part.

Get used to traveling on MRTs. And I'm not saying get used to the crowds, I'm talking about the "don't complain about going to Harbourfront if you live in Woodlands" kind of get used to it. 

And don't just stare at the people sitting opposite you. Stand by the doors and just look out wherever, so you can see if there's any station worth exploring. Or if you wanna sit then you could just turn your head and look out the windows. [Only for parts of the North South and East West Lines though, of course] 

2. Long bus rides

Set aside $27, or $52 if you're a Poly student like me [because fuck adult fares, that's why], head on to the counter at MRT stations and top up bus concession. Restrain yourself from taking the MRT, and just stick to bus rides to wherever. If you don't know what bus to take to a destination, there are bus boards for a reason. There is Google for a reason. You have 3G for a reason. [or if you don't then just plan ahead]

Why long bus rides? Because then you'll familiarise yourself with the roads. Not every place is within an MRT station, at least, not yet. Til then, instead of listening to music and just stoning out the window pretending you're in a music video, try observing your surroundings. Read the street/road signs. If you have to take this bus ride frequently in your life, great. Eventually the names will stick to your head and if you're ever looking for some place, you'll remember it. 

Or better still, just go on long bus rides from one end to another for fun. Take 67 from Choa Chu Kang all the way to Tampines and check that out. Take 168 from Bedok all the way to Woodlands, and explore the shit out of unfamiliar places. 

3. Shopping? Food? Attractions?

Decide what you're looking for. When I read about the thrift shops, I must admit that I've never heard most of the street names before. Only when the blog entries mentioned a nearby MRT station was I able to find out where their locations were. 

Once you know what you're looking for, it should be easy to narrow down where you're going. You'll know straight on where you want to go. You'll know you're heading to Central. You know you're heading to this street. This building. Blablabla. That way, you'll also make sure that you're going somewhere, and won't be disappointed if you go somewhere new to see that there's nothing you find interesting. 

4. Don't be scared.

Don't. If you want to explore, you go all out. Don't be like Oh shit Bukit Timah is so weird, help me I'm from Pasir Ris I don't know this shit asdfghjkl Just think of where you WANT to go instead of where you came from. I can't lie to you, but yes, you will get lost. But no, you don't need anyone to be with you. You have to be fearless. It's your country. I know it's not as fun as road trips across America or whatnot, but hey whatever. Going around Singapore on buses and MRTs is just as cool.

If you do ever get lost... 

No worries at all. Just continue walking if you're looking for someplace. If you're lost in the way that you've no idea where you are anymore and you just want to go home, just find a nearby bus stop and look at the board. Don't just read the interchange where it terminates, that's a bad habit which I only just recently dropped. Look at the list of bus stops as well and you'll never know if you see someplace familiar, or an MRT station that's nearer to where you live. 

I'd rather you explore when you've got more money. You'll never know if you see something you really like, or if you wanna eat some cake at a little cafe, or most importantly if you just need to top up your Ez-link. 

#1 and #2 are what you need to start off with. Familiarise yourself, that's what I'd like to say. And get used to it and not fret over distance. Only then will you be able to move on to #3, because you will get used to bus rides and shit. 

Most importantly is of course #4, because as long as you are scared, you won't get anywhere. Don't ask anyone to come along because it's best to go alone. That way, you don't have to be under pressure if your companion gets tired, or the other way around. You do things your way. Doesn't that sound wonderfrou?

I'm not sure if this helps but I hope it does. People complain about Singapore every single day, but only because they focus on a few little little things. Yea the education system sucks indeed but I still love the familiarity of the roads in my country okay? Go explore and blog about it, cutiepie. 

Faith

What are you thinking? I will never know. You used to beg me all the time, never to leave you no matter how shitty you got. You told me to bear with you, and I did, and I would have even if you didn't tell me to.

And because my behaviour definitely gets shitty too, I wanted you to stay despite that as well. We promised never to leave each other. And due to what you've been through because of me, I had faith that you would always bear with me. Because you were the only one who's seen this much of me and still decided to stay.

I had so much faith in you.

Still, I knew that didn't mean I should keep being bitchy, thinking I'd get away with it. Well, I tried to change. I tried to be more adoring. I tried to be less stubborn, though I admit this was super difficult. When you said I was over-attached, I tried to text you lesser too, giving less energetic responses, though in the end I cried because it didn't make me happy to be giving you the cold shoulder.

You once said to me, a long time ago, "Thank you for your sacrifices." The word sacrifices. I didn't even know what I was doing for you could be called that. All I knew was everything I'd ever done for you was out of my own will. I may not have done much to begin with, but... Yeah. Sacrifices. I didn't know I made those. Because you really are important to me.

My pride. My ego. You and I, we both know these are my prized possessions. I don't think you've known me with 100% of my ego, because I think I've always put aside enough for your sake. How many times have I said sorry for hurting you, how many times have I said sorry for being angry at you when you were the one who hurt me.

After all we've been through are you really gonna let it all go? Right after persuading me never to leave you, even after the numerous times I was on the verge of doing so. This unfairness is one thing, but didn't I tell you before, when you're in a relationship you gotta love three things and that is the person, the memories, and the possibility of a future.

There comes a time when you would hate me like hell. That's the time you gotta stop and think, What has she ever done for me? What have I ever done for her? You've done so much for me, and it's gonna be a waste if you let it all go just like that. I did this for myself too, by thinking of whatever we've done for each other, what we've been through together. Because I swear to you, it really helps. It's how I'd managed to always stay with you no matter what.

My faith in you is what helps the possibility of a future thing. I believe in our relationship and that's why I don't mind spending my last bucks on a meal for you. Let others see this as silly, but we always have conversations about marriage. I've mentioned you paying back all the money you want as a husband, though I laughed when I said that but it's true isn't it?

I'm sidetracking from my main topic. What's my main topic again?

I don't know, but I believe I've done my best. I know it was a mistake on my part to have made you my everything. But I guess I just have that much faith in you. I believed in us so strongly. Just like back in our "courting" days, when you tried so hard to make me happy because you believed in us. I guess it's my turn. It'll always be my turn.

I told you again and again I'll always fight for you. Perhaps when you told me Goodbye, you were just signalling me to pull you back. Girls aren't the only sensitive people and I've learnt that through my relationship with you. I'm sorry I didn't bother to ask you what's wrong when I should, and I'm sorry for asking what's wrong when the time is not right. I'm sorry for asking you what's wrong when I myself didn't see it.

I guess a huge part of me is just really angry at you for breaking my faith in you. I think I stand strong for my faith while with you it's about the trust.

Anyway, you know I'm always angry for no reason, you do. I know too that I'm always quick to surrender to anger and blame, especially in the rush and panicky moments like when I dropped my laptop. And really, what makes it hard for me to part with you at the end of a date is always due to the fact that you're angry at me. I just can't stand letting you go home angry or upset, and yet I have no idea how to treat your emotions. I know I always ended up making things worse, but that's my reason for it.

And about the topping up your ezlink part... I've really never used the machine to top up before okay, apart from when I used Netts. I swear I've never used coins on it before. I did saw that the slot was closed, but I really thought it was gonna open when you slip in a coin. All I thought, when you were walking away, was that you didn't have enough money to top up. I asked you what's wrong because it was a reaction on my part, for wanting to help you out.

I guess that's all I can say now. I feel better now. You do know I will always fight for you no matter what. Because I will never ever forget how you never gave up on me during our younger days.

I suppose now it's your choice what you want to make this post of: the start, or the end.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Goodbye ego

You know what I'm gonna say. [A part of me isn't sure if you'd be reading this, but you did say that you would always read my every post. I believe you.]

After the whole Clementi episode [see previous post by clicking the arrow at the bottom of this post if you are on mobile] , I didn't text him at all. It was probably the longest I'd gone without trying to start a conversation with him, or apologising or whatever. About 24 hours, and that's already a long time.

I would probably have asked him out honestly, probably would have texted him at 4pm. But my cousin already made a date with me so I just decided that, Okay, let's just continue not texting him for a little longer. I didn't have the time to check my phone when I was already with my cousin and her hubby anyway. I only used my phone to Instagram my yoghurt and when I was finally on the way home.

And what did I see? He had DM-ed me, saying goodbye. Went to his profile to see that he had removed me from his bio and was tweeting shit like being alone and, shit. My first reaction was WHAAAT. I guess at this point of time I was so not bothered that I just went to my bio and removed him. And straightway tweeted about badly needing to pee.

The first thing he tweeted afterwards was a "Are you really done with me?"
1. I did not decide on anything didn't I? You were the one who suddenly made this decision without talking to me first. Communication. That's also one important thing of a relationship. But you? You never had communication with me recently as well. And then just decided on a break-up without even telling me what's wrong.
2. That tone was just so fucking doubtful. At this point of time you'd think he should have straightway texted me himself, and start a bloody conversation regarding this issue. But nope. Nope. NOPE.

Am I really done with you? Ask yourself. You know me better.

But in case not, I'm just gonna go through some things I've done which should easily answer your question.

How many times... Have I put everything behind me?
Whenever we fought and you said something like "I think we should part,", I'd straightaway go against it, asking you why and just asking you to tell me what's wrong. Even on the occasions I said Yea sure goodbye, the very next day or even hour I'd still be like Hey babe what's up.

How many times... Have I said I've given up on you, only to try again?
You were so busy all the time, or just, gaming. You'd reply hours later, most of the time when I'm already asleep. This issue had been going on for a few months already, but the reason why I still stayed was because I put all that behind me.

How many times... Have I fought for you?
The real question is how many times have you left me?

How many times... Have I put my ego aside for you?
You know how huge my ego is. If I hadn't put it aside for you all the time we'd probably have broken up like two months into our relationship. Because you taught me not to be egoistic. Sure, most of the time I still have a hint of that pride in me, but at the end of the day, I chose to lose that instead of losing you.

How many times... Have I left you, only to say sorry afterwards?
I always told you "That's it, we're over. Don't talk to me anymore.", shit like that. The next day, I'd be saying good morning or I'm sorry for getting angry at you, or just straightway asking you to eat dinner with me after school, like nothing happened. Because leaving you was never what I wanted. It was all said in anger. And that's why I wasn't gonna let this stupid emotion get the best of me. Of us.

How many times... Have I kept trying?
288 times, everyday from the very day we got together.

Only you and God know what I've done for you. From hunting down maroon pullovers and lollipops to waiting three hours for you to end gym, from cracking my head trying to memorise the Arab prayers for solat [because I didn't know we could say in Malay] to pushing you away no matter how high my temptations were as well.

And if you don't know, this post is the losing of ego on my part. Although I'm not talking to you straight, this post is for you, to show that once again I wanna let go of my pride for you. I'm willing to try again, I'm just not sure about you.

I admit right now that I still want to hold your hand. I still want to walk aimlessly around shopping malls with you. I still want to eat cheap student meals with you. I still want to sulk and hold my laughter in whenever you're being annoying. I still want to go Lan and play L4D with you like what you suggested just three days ago. I still want to put my arms around your neck and kiss you. I just... Still want to be with you.

Why I was pissed yesterday

We met at Clementi. 1. I had to wait like 20 minutes for him to appear after his last call. And for your information, he had told me in this phone call that he was upstairs on the 4th level of Clementi Mall and was coming down already. 4th level? More like 400th, judging by the amount of time he took. 

That was forgiven as always, and I told him I was hungry so we went to Burger King. It was pretty much the only thing I could afford. 2. Asked him if he would go buy for me, but NOOOO he was lazy and he wanted to play Fifa14 instead.

Fine then. So I went to buy myself. Whenever I asked him to buy food, he would always ask me to go with him and I'd always do so. 3. And what's more, the queue was so freaking long and I was fucking bored without someone to talk to. He should have went along with me to buy my food. Because I always followed him. 

When I got back, I asked if he could take mayonaise for me because I forgot. What's more I was lazy to go back. 4. If he could give the excuse earlier, why couldn't I? He still refused, asked me to take myself. Ehrm was it so hard??? Like dude I'm always taking the chili sauce for you whenever you asked me to. 

5. He kept eating my potato wedges, and wiping his oily fingers on my new laptop bag. Even when I've snapped at him, not to do both. He still had the cheek to continue doing so, and laughing when I'm obviously pissed. 

6. Still playing Fifa14. Dude I'm right in front of you. And you yourself said we're meeting just for a while. Aren't you supposed to use the time with me wisely, shit like that??? Is Fifa14 only accessible in Burger King Clementi Mall??? 

He kept drinking my Coke when I still wanted it. In the end when I couldn't drink anymore of it, I offered the rest to him. 7. NO, HE DOESN'T WANT IT ANYMORE AFTER I'M DONE WITH IT

Whatever. So we walked past Old Chang Kee, and he saw chicken cheese balls. He wanted some! But he didn't have any money. He only had five bucks which he needed to top up his Ez-link later. Okay, so I offered him some of my money, asked him if he wanted to. 8. Got mouth. No answer. 

9. He walked on ahead of me, without any acknowledge of my presence. So I told him to stop it with the shitty attitude, the sudden silent treatment. It was so fucking sudden, there was no wind no nothing and he started giving me the cold shoulder. Who wouldn't get pissed? Did I do anything wrong?

At this point of time he told me to just go home,  but I couldn't. Because what if he had problems topping up or whether he had enough coins to top up his Ez-link? 10. I insisted on following him a while more, and he gave this irritated sigh, and even mumbled under his breath, "Menyusahkan je." Excuse me???

And yup, he did encounter problems. I just watched him while he inserted his notes into the machine, and counted out his coins. He probably didn't have enough, because he canceled the transaction and walked away without topping up. 11. And he didn't bother telling me what's up. 

Although I knew, I still asked, "Eh asal?" like that, yup. Not rude at all. My tone was level. My tone was questioning. That was fucking it. 12. NOPE. HE HEARD ME. BUT NOPE. HE DECIDED TO IGNORE ME INSTEAD AND WALKED AWAY WITH HIS CUNTFACE.

So I just pinched his arm and was like, "STOP DOING THIS TO ME I FUCKING ASKED YOU A QUESTION" but I didn't manage to complete my sentence because he finally regarded my fucking existence, by yelling in a low voice [if that makes sense], "Eh, fuck you." He said it with such venom in his voice, with gritted teeth. 

Lastly, he just told me, "I think you just fuck off lah. Fuck off." So I did, without giving a shit whether or not he had money to get home. And for once, I really didn't give a shit about whether he managed to get home or not. To me, it was whatever, who fucking cares. 

Fucking faggot with bullshit attitude. That's what you are. Don't blame me for getting pissed, these are the reasons which collated my anger. If you're gonna get pissed at me for blogging about this and letting people judge you blahblahblah, just shut the fuck up. Even if I talk to you now about what I was so angry about yesterday, you wouldn't give a shit. You wouldn't hear me out. You wouldn't bother. So you'd better not bother reacting as well.

From a shattered daughter.

In an empty house they told me to call 'home';
People labeled 'family' who left me all alone.
The only times they came into my room;
Was to hit me til I couldn't move.

A thousand acres of hatred from them;
I exchanged with all the love I could send.
Palms held together with my pleads and begs;
I was as worthless as a used-up rag.

They screamed "I hate you", with so much cold;
More passion than "I love you" could ever hold.
They looked at me with so much disgrace;
Funny thing was, I had their blood in my veins.

Called for help til my throat went sore;
They looked at me for a second, nothing more.
Blood on my sleeves meant nothing to mother;
More bruises on my body, added by father.

Hate more than love, disdain more than pride;
I was nothing in your eyes but a worthless child.
Endured what I could until I could no longer cope;
I ran out of love for you, I ran out of hope.

from your daughter,
E'indah Nadhirah. 

Two more thrift shops!

Hello and welcome back to Pokemon X and Y! I have MunchingOrange's introduction stuck in my head after I've watched tens of gameplays on his channel. Yep, welcome back to 109BlackAxesii.

So. What have I been up to? I hadn't been blogging, I know, right after I told myself I'm gonna write a post everyday. I have a reason okay? I've finally told my Aunty my end-of-semester exam results, and then she told me to print them out. That's why I've been avoiding using my laptop, so I can give excuses like "Oh I'm doing my homework now, I'm not gonna turn on my laptop cause I'll get distracted" well hey, it's the truth.

Here's what I've been up to: I've made trips to two more thrift shops the past two days, and I'm gonna tell you all about it, along with my days at school. 

Class starts at 3 on Tuesday afternoons, so I thought it was the perfect chance to head to New2U, since it closes at 2.30.

It was raining when I got there. There's this long escalator that goes to the exit of the station, with the ceilings being glass. Raindrops were splattering all over and I was like OH NO. But no worries, nothing ever deters me, so I made my way in the rain. 

 I thought it'd be difficult to find but it was easy as hell. Exit E of Bras Basah station, and walk straight on ahead til you see these walls with graffiti on them; address being 96 Waterloo St. 

It took me a while to look through every piece of clothing. I did see a few pieces that were fine, but they weren't really something I would wear. There was this chiffon collared top which was pretty, but I knew I wouldn't wear it. 

I did however bought a black outerwear, and a long-sleeved top with a Topshop label. They were going for $4 each, but because Tuesdays are half-price for students day, I got them for $2 each instead. Yay!

I didn't bother going through the skirts because yes, I wouldn't wear those; not through the bags too. I don't remember seeing any shoes, but I did saw a little section in the corner for men apparels. Didn't look through those either. So sorry.

You have to try coming here though. The prices are so cheap, ranging from $4 to $6. Seriously, those were the only prices I saw on the pricetags. There were many kinds of dresses and skirts and tops, depends on your preference. Show your student card and get your items half-priced. Woohoo! 

Made my way to school right after, by making a detour back to Bugis and taking 197 to Jurong East. Yup, I know there are direct buses to school from there, but I still had two hours before class started. 

I went to H&M at Jem first, with the intention of getting those stockings I had seen on my previous trip. I had three pairs of skin colour stockings already, which my aunt had bought for me, so yeah, I pretty much needed black. 

People would usually go shopping after school, but me? The other way around. The thought of going back to school after a day of shopping was just dampening. But it's okay since it was just two hours of lecture :D

When I got home though... GUESS WHAT. I opened them stockings, only to find out they were freaking skin colour. WHAT THE HELL H&M!? The freaking packaging had this picture of black stockings dammit! And that was when I saw the freaking tiny alphabets at the corner stating: "light amber". THE LEAST THEY COULD HAVE DONE WAS WRITE THAT BIGGER AND NOT BENEATH THE ITEM NUMBER?????

In short, I bought three more pairs of something which I already have three of. 

FUCK ME!

I woke up late yesterday. On normal days, I'd wake up three hours before the first lesson starts so I'd have time to dry my hair and take an all-bus journey all the way to school. Yesterday, I woke up one and a half hour before lesson started. I had no choice but to take the MRT. Ugh!

Yes, I have a weird obsession with MRT Lines, but hey. Nobody likes the MRT when you only have bus concession, and when it's so damn crowded til you had to go back two stations just to be able to board the train. AND NOBODY LIKES IT WHEN THEM HUMANS TRY TO SQUEEZE IN WHEN THERE'S OBVIOUSLY NO SPACE LEFT FOR THEM. 

School was better than the trip to. There was only three hours of EMPTS, but even better?: we were dismissed an hour earlier. 

I had so much time so I decided to go to Praisehaven, a Salvation Army outlet at Upper Bukit Timah. It took me a while to get there, because I didn't know what bus to take, and when I finally got on a bus, I looked out the wrong side of the window, making me completely missing the building. 

I alighted somewhere at Bukit Batok, and had to look through the Internet, and cross the road to check out the bus board on the other side blahblahblah. Finally got on a 178 to take me to the Rail Mall bus stop, since the Internet said it was a nearby bus stop to the thrift shop. 

Made my way in the sun, though, I love the sun. I really do. What's more, the overhead bridge had no shelter so I was pretty much basking in the sunlight, having my hair blown through with the accompanying wind. 

The reviews for Praisehaven were accurate. It did felt like a department store from the older days, and everything was truly neat and organised. There were paintings and appliances and mini showcase rooms for the furniture. Along with rows and rows of books, and shelves and shelves of bags. 

Of course, the first section I had to check out was the ladies apparels. Okay, I did find many things I wanted: these knit pullovers that came in cream and pink, and this jacket with really cool zip layout. But one thing I'd have to tell you: the prices here are probably not to your liking. Most items were $10 or above, definitely not worth for thrift items, yeah? 

There were skirts that weren't too short too, ohmygod. Vintage kind of skirts, yes! But of course, I wouldn't wear them. I found a really cute bag though; a cross-body bag, kind of the soft leather material I think? Idk. But yeah. After checking to see that it was functional and shit, I looked inside to find out the price: $5! Woohoo! 

I caught sight of this hot pair of boots with metal parts here and there [studs, they call it?] but they weren't my size. Most of the other shoes were heels, with a few flats which weren't really my type. There were also these chiffon tops which I really wanted! But of course.... They were too big for me T.T

You gotta make your way to these thrift shops someday man! I'm sure you'd find something you like, if you look past the fact that these are all secondhand items and shit. 

Made my way to Jurong East library afterwards where I had a nice plate of cream pasta with juicy chicken YUM. But again, FUCK ME, because there was no student price for some reason and I had to pay the full price of $7. 

Read for a while before meeting 'Aamir at the bus interchange. I bought myself this three-belts-pack from Cotton On, since Shushan wanted back her magic belt which helped changed my fashion sense. T.T 

We had Maccy D after, and that's when we went back to being the idiot couple we are. I can't forget the moment when I was sitting and facing the stairs which he was coming from. He gave me this seductive grin, so I smiled back, and he FREAKING TRIPPED. I think he missed a step or something but you should have seen the look on his face! His medium Sprite also overturned on his tray, and that was when I stood up and went over to help him, though I was still laughing. 

"Don't you dare laugh at me, you faggot!" was just an invitation to get me to laugh harder HURHURHUR. 

Another idiotic moment of his, was when he decided to swallow the entire sachet of sugar he had taken. I have absolutely no idea what the hell happened, but all of a sudden he just blurted out the contents from his mouth and sputtered the sugar all over. I felt a few grains hitting my face, but all I could do was look back at him, trying to control any outburst. 

He laughed, and I just went "WHAT THE HELL 'AAMIR.", which just made him laugh all the more, of course. "I'm sorry, I wanted to talk but I spit out instead HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" and he continued his giggling. Yup, if you think it's gross, I'm damn used to all his acts of annoyance and imbecility. 

I have half an hour before class starts. I'm really hungry, but I shall save my goddamned money. Splurged too much yesterday, and I just realised it, holy crap. 

I don't want to blog about today yet, but I'll have you know I did something terrible... 

The toilet bowl had tissue papers in it. I don't know about you, but what I'd always do is just freaking flush that down and think to myself "Ugh what's so difficult about freaking flushing". That's what I did, and Idk why.... But..... The toilet bowl decided to vomit on me. 

And when I say vomit, I really mean it. There aren't anymore words to describe it. Water just spilled out from its mouth, in floods, and non-stop. Holy shit, I ran out straight and I saw that I had flooded all five cubicles WHAT THE FUCK.

That's all for now, I can't wait for November because I wanna hit all those flea markets again! November is the season of flea markets: come down to Lucky Plaza Level 6, every day of November and see what you can find (;

And about these thrift shops, I'm gonna make more trips to the same ones again in future. Things change, more clothes get donated, so you'll never know what more you can find on other weeks.

Glad I didn't skip today's lesson.

We had first lesson of Comiss today. And by 'we', I mean most of the Ngee Ann Poly students I know. Honestly I didn't feel like going at all, and the temptation to skip today's class was damn high. But well, I gathered my guts and just made my way to Block 53.

I was actually the first to arrive, would you believe that? Not even the teacher was there; the classroom was dark as hell. Eventually she did, and the classroom started filling up as well. And then I realised... I was the only girl. Until this other girl came, and of course, seeing the rest being guys, she made her way toward me.

She asked if she could sit there, so I told her of course she could! And that was the first smile I gave all day. I learnt her name, Wani, and very soon after we also discovered that the two of us were the only girls in the class.

First lesson today was not bad actually! Wani and I went for lunch together, or, more like a quick break. We got waffles which we ate in class, and I even managed to bring in a cup of Milo hehe.

Oh, introductions. I'm always struggling with what to say as a first impression, because I have too many stories to tell! In the end I settled in for my name, age, course, my true desired course and why I'm in this course instead. Yup.

Okay, the video about water was hilarious. Not really the contents actually, just the part of the lesson when we were all watching it. We were laughing away, and I couldn't stop giggling even after the laughter had died down! Well, I'd describe what we were laughing about but it was more of a "you had to be there".

At the end of the lesson, our teacher told us that our key to leaving the classroom was to give yet another introduction, this time with the tips we had just learnt in the lesson. In one minute. Damn!

I was the fourth to go, on my own will, and you have no idea how badly nervous I were. My knees were shaking and my heart was beating so quickly. And when I spoke, my lips were trembling! Everyone's eyes were on me okay? Don't blame me.

What did I tell everyone, you ask? I love writing. Yup, that was the first thing I had to say. How I've been writing since a decade ago, and how I still continued in the form of a blog as I grew older. And then I told them how I'm still trying to work hard to get recognised for it, because it's not only a hobby, but it's a passion. It's life.

I also made a reference to Naomi Neo, haha. So sorry. I also told them how I'm not living with my parents, and how I'm in a course that I absolutely hate [the shit with Maths and, shit], and that writing is my way of trying to get my life back together after all that shit.

Yup. One minute down, so I just thanked everyone, went back to my seat to pick up my bag, and left the room.

I made a solitary escapade to Jurong Point to get myself ear sticks, to accommodate for the one which had fallen off in the morning. Ugh what a pain. And then the prince was telling me not to keep anymore studs, and to just keep myself clean of piercings. I couldn't.

If you're reading this, prince, I just want to let you know that I was looking forward to telling you all about my day today. But yes, I never have a chance to talk to you anymore. You say yourself that our conversations are boring, and it seems like I won't make a difference if I tell you how my day at school went. That's why I decided to blog about today instead, as tired as I am to even turn on my laptop, and as much as I want to talk to you instead of blogging. We're growing distant, we are, and you're losing interest in our conversations it seems. But it's okay, I have my old sweetheart: writing and blogging.

I really depend on writing for life huh, do I.

From today on, I'm gonna be blogging more frequently, especially to write about how my day went. If it gets boring, do let me know. Thank you for the support. I'm gonna continue chasing my dreams of being a writer, and at the same time cherishing my school days in Engineering, as much as I hate it.

Sponsored by SMRT...?!?!

The rich will only get richer while the poor remain poor.

I've seen how true this is, starting off with this sponsors thing that most bloggers have. So I hear that sponsors give clothes to all these popular bloggers??? Uhm??? Aren't they rich enough to buy from these blogshops if they want to??? Why don't you give those to new bloggers who aren't so famous, so they at least have somewhere to start? Am I making sense here?

Oh no, not that I want free clothes. I'm not even interested in those clothes from the popular blogshops, honestly.

Idk, if I were to go on in this same topic, I'd probably be judged, and people would probably say I'm jealous of all those famous bloggers blahblahblah... Nah. I don't wanna be famous for my looks, I fucking swear. I want to be famous yes, but for my blog. Whatever.

I just had this awesome idea this morning. I realised that I actually would love to have sponsors... From LTA/SMRT. Just imagine if I get sponsored to travel the MRT Lines, just so I could blog about whatever you can find at certain MRT stations. Very much like how some bloggers are sponsored by online boutiques just to write about what clothes you can find there.

What's more, with Downtown Line Part 1 opening in December, and the Thompson Line a few years down the road... Imagine if LTA or SMRT or whatever, paid me to travel around all these lines, unlimited MRT concession so I can tap in and tap out wherever and as many times as I want, just so I could blog about these new stations...

WOULDN'T THAT BE FUCKING AWESOME!?!? I'd love that. I swear I would really love that. I do love traveling on the MRT lines, but I just can't, due to the fact that bus concession is more worth it for me.

But we all know that getting sponsored by something so huge is just the stuff of dreams. How I wish though. It's alright, once the new lines are opened, I'm still gonna hop on a ride and tell you all about it!

School is not bad so far. And forever, I hope

First day of school, and the biggest dilemma was deciding what to wear. In the end I settled for a simple tshirt since I only had three hours of class anyway.

Wednesday, 16th October, 2013.

Day 1.

Okay, so I was super lazy to climb the overhead bridge so I just took 197 to Jurong East, where I can take 52 to school. Furthermore, I kind of knew that there'd be people cutting the queue at Eunos station, so I was too lazy to get pissed off by that too. Wouldn't want to risk getting my morning ruined.

And tadah, I was late by half an hour. Don't blame me, but it was super cold on the bus trip so I had to go for a pee first before heading to class okay?

I was so darn nervous, wondering who'd be in my class and shit, but then I thought: Hey, it shouldn't be so bad, the people would be new because I'm repeating this module after all. Yea... Think positive even under the circumstances.

What a pleasant surprise to see that it was my Engmec teacher who greeted me. And even more surprising to see that there were only three other guys in the classroom. In the end, class officially started an hour after the designated time. Hehe.

Even better? Class ended half an hour earlier.

So I made my way to Ang Mo Kio for some reason. I just felt like going to Nanyang Poly for a visit, but it was too early because neither Asleah nor Farizah had ended class yet. I ended up walking a few blocks around Ang Mo Kio, in the sun too! I love being in the sun!

I found its library too, and it felt like I'd found a lake in the desert. The way it was located too, just standing there alone among other smaller buildings and the park opposite it... You should see it. I think it's gorgeous.

Headed off to Bishan to find Shushan [resulting in my giving her the nickname Shubi hahahahaha] [no, I'm sad I didn't get to go NYP in the end] and we sat at the library cafe waiting for Asleah and Farizah. Asleah came a while after but we waited for Farizah til the counter girl came over and was like, Hey yo if you wanna sit here you gotta buy something yo.

I had library pasta for the first time ever! It's quite cheap too, $4.90 for a plate of chicken cream pasta, along with a can of Coke. Only before 5pm though, because it's student meal.

Anyway, we shared a carton of wedges as well, while deciding where to go next. A pity that we couldn't make it for any thrift stores, so we settled in for Bugis Street. A usual haunt since our secondary school days actually, especially for Shushan and I!

We walked around the second and third levels of Bugis St til my legs went sore! Asleah and Shushan bought more stuff. I was just browsing and shit, because I didn't really have money either [was on the hunt for bowler hat though]. But I did buy this pullover with cat heads all over it! It's so adorable! I had to borrow money from Shushan, and I feel terrible for it but thank you so much!

We were there for three hours I think? Asleah couldn't stop browsing! We all had to make sure she walked ahead of us so she wouldn't wander off again!

My legs were aching by the time I got home. I'm happy with my purchase, though I had to wait til my granny left the room before I could take it out of my bag and hide it under my pile of clothes hehehe. She'd kill me if she knew I bought more clothes okay???

Thursday, 17th October, 2013.

Day 2.

I was late for class again, no surprise. Hey don't look at me like that! It's an 8AM class okay? This class was crowded for some reason, but I saw a few familiar faces, namely the cool guys from my IJ team back in Sem 1.

Shi Hui is also in most of my classes this semester. She was from my previous class too, and seems like she's really glad to have me here with her for the sem! We had EG1 next, which is another module which I'm repeating. I promise to do my best this time.

So we met Susan during our break! She seemed to have gotten a little tanned, I think. But still the same old Susan, same cheerful/annoying Susan! I don't think I have any classes with her this semester, since she's passed everything and is miles and miles ahead of me.

The practical class for DAELN [or whatever] was next, and this was actually not that bad as I'd expected. I hadn't bought notes yet so I had to share with the guy next to me. Didn't really catch his name but it was entertaining to get all confused with the machines together with him!

At the end of class, this dude from the other side of the classroom came over and asked if I had a stapler. Well I had one, but I had to dig through my pencil case because it was buried by my pens. In the meantime he asked me, "What's your name? I'm Shan [I think that's how it's spelled]."

So I told him my name, and he was like "Oh I see!", with this grin, and he stuck out his hand. Well fuck me for this, I actually thought he was asking for a handshake! I already had my hand in the air towards his when I realised he was holding his hand out for the goddamned stapler.

Okay, so far this is the only class which I'd interacted with at least three new faces. Improvement!

We had programming afterwards, and I was in the same class as none other than Faiz. Yes, my good old classmate from good old 5/1 2012. Just like he occasionally did last year, he kept disturbing me. But it's comforting to know that I have at least him to ask if I have any problems in ComPro in the future.

Class ended, school ended, and I made my way to Jurong East. Sat in the library for two hours, and I couldn't help it but I started getting emotional. My eyes kept tearing up, and my heart kept aching.

'Aamir arrived at 7.30, and by this time I was already nearly a mess. I talked to him about it already but I still couldn't help being so riled up over it. I'm not gonna elaborate about what my problem was this time, but he told me that he actually felt guilty for it as well.

He got me soya bean, and that was when I started feeling better. He started annoying me as usual, and I kept making a mock sulky face, just to hold in my laughter whenever he was jokingly insulting me. He is so annoying! But we all know I love him all the same.

So I told him I wanted to go into H&M, but he wouldn't allow me! Finally he said, "Okay fine. But you have ten minutes." I got so excited I quickly finished up my soya bean and went to throw it into the nearest rubbish bin, which was like four shops away.

By the time I got back to the front of H&M where 'Aamir was standing, he showed me his phone and said, "You have six minutes left." He actually freaking started a timer. Son of a barrel!

Made him restart it, and I practically dragged him all around H&M. I kept showing him the clothes which I thought were nice, and kept pointing to pieces on the mannequins which I thought would look good on me hehe. He made his boring remarks ["Yeah that looks good on you." "Yeah that one's cute." "No, that one's so short." "No I don't like you wearing that. So jarang!" "*shakes head with wide eyes*"] before announcing, "One minute left!"

I had a fun time doing that. A retail escapade, though I didn't buy anything.

As usual, I had the hesitation to walk away when we were supposed to part. We also had our no,-you-salam-me argument, me with my "I'm older than you so you salam me", and him with his "I'm the man so you salam me" stand. In the end he took my hand and slammed his knuckles onto my nose, til I could smell the metallic smell of blood. He just laughed, of course, that asshole.

Friday, 18th of October, 2013. 

Day 3. 

Nope, I was not late! I was on time! ComPro as usual, and I actually think I was being a good student today. You can ask Faiz! I even overheard him saying, "Wah, this one must report to sec 5 class chat ah. Say, E'indah is changing!"

Class was quick today. Bought my lecture notes for DAELN, finally, before heading off to Bishan. Met with 'Aamir like an hour later and we had a quick lunch before he headed off to do his Friday prayers. I sat at the bus interchange waiting, while watching Pokemon X gameplays from Dookieshed hehehehehe.

He sent me to Paya Lebar before heading off to Tanah Merah. Quickly did my EG1 assignment, this piece of worksheet that I don't even remember having received. And then....... I slept.

I'm glad I managed to remember bits from Chapter 1. Honestly, while I was doing my work, I had this voice in my head all along, telling me how to do it. Teaching me the methods, and asking me questions that I should ask myself in order to solve the problem. I really heard his voice, and when I made a mistake, it was also his voice that told me where I went wrong. He's also in my EG1 class right now. I hope he'll do his best.

Well, yeah. The school week is over. I'm honestly looking forward to studying, though I still hate the existence [or my lack of] social life. *shrugs*

And you know what I just realised? Whenever 'Aamir is on the phone with me, he'll end the call with "Bye, love you." But he usually ends the "bye" really slowly, dragging out the 'e' part, and it would sound like "Bye-ai". It makes his sentence sound like "Bye, I love you." I don't know about you but it means a lot.