Sad parts of being tall

If you're a girl and I ask you what quality of mine would you like, you'd most probably say my height. Right? All my life I've always been getting remarks about my height, about girls wanting to be tall.

I've been tall all my life, even as a young primary schoolkid. I grow older and people tell me to be a model or a stewardess. But just so you know, being tall as a girl isn't as fantastic as you think.

Right from the beginning of primary school, I remember very clearly how the teacher told us to arrange ourselves from shortest to tallest. At that time I was the third tallest girl in class, and I was always put at the back of the line, or the classroom.

The first time we took a class photo in primary 1, I was always to be put at the back row. The photographer will be like, "Please arrange yourselves to your height.", and all the girls would immediately know to put themselves before me.

The problem remained even when I grew older. When I was in lower sec, there weren't many guys to crush on because all of them were shorter than me. When I got together with the guy whom I had a crush on since sec 2, everyone laughed because we didn't suit each other; he was a little shorter than me, that's why.

Even now in 2013, I still see many setbacks about being tall. My latest addiction to Carousell; the clothes there are usually secondhand, and selling because of reasons like "too short for me" or "too tight for me". Most of those girls are of average height or petite; if they can't fit, neither can I. I'd always have to ask for measurements and most of the time, it's still too short for me.

Even the preorders are tailored for shorter girls. I've tried to pre-order some tops before, and sadly they were of short lengths, and do not look good on me at all. You know the word singkat? As ugly as the word, that's how ugly singkat stuff looks on me.

Not many boys will like you if you're tall either. I guess guys just want girls shorter than them so they won't feel overpowered, and so they won't look weird together.

Yes I have 'Aamir, but even so, yes there are still sad parts of being tall. Girls like taller guys, so they can bury their face in their chests when you hug. I can't deny that I'd actually like that either. I do accept that 'Aamir is the same height as me, but I wish I can totally drown myself in his arms instead of having to hang my head over his shoulder.

And then there's the issue with heels. The only reason why I'm not used to them is because I don't wear them; but that's because of my height! I actually would love to wear heels! But with a clique of girl best friends of average and petite heights who don't always wear heels? No. With a boyfriend of the same height? No.

Even the fashion Youtubers whose videos I like to watch are petite girls. They're always giving tips about how to make yourself look tall, or other fashion ideas for petite girls. I need a fashion Youtuber who is 170 cm tall please!!!

And also. You can never be cute if you're tall. Or, you have to be cool/hot/sexy. Damn, Idk whether you agree but this is what my self-conscious tells me. I'm neither of that. It's hard. Here I am, standing tall but damn shy when I'm supposed to be standing proud with my head to the sky. But nope.

Yes, I'm 170 cm tall as of the last time I checked. I'd probably only get the chance to wear heels when 'Aamir has reached his full growth. Probably 3 years from now. I'm slowly learning to cherish my height, and be proud of being tall, as many setbacks as there are.

Miserable Monday - Rescued by the prince

Everyone hates Mondays. Well who doesn't????

Shut up. The answer is me. I like Mondays. 

____

3rd week of Comiss, my favourite module ever! Oh how I look forward to seeing Wani and Shan and everyone else again! I wake up half an hour earlier, do a little notifications check on my phone and get up to decide what to wear. 

I go for my shower first, before settling for my floral chiffon top with the usual black skinnies. Granny makes me hot Milo as usual, along with two pieces of prata. Damn I love prata!! I gobble everything up, despite knowing a stomachache will come, because I'm too excited for school! 

I let pass the fact that it's my first day of the time of the month. Little do I know, that this decision to wolf down breakfast like this would be the worst decision I would have ever made... 

The first few pangs come when I've boarded bus 197. I think I'm doomed, because it's a long journey ahead and there's like one and a half hour more to go before reaching the end. I try to comfort myself by popping in mints, by massaging my tummy, or simply diverting my thoughts. It helps. For a while. 

Trying to act normal and shit, I finally alight at Jurong East and try to walk to JCube. A few steps, and I find that my stomach is feeling better! What fuckery is this? I divert my way and head towards the CPF Building instead, where I can find POSB deposit machines. 

Everything is fine... Until I'm at the front of the line. Once again I try to handle the pain until I've deposited some tens of dollars I've saved, before hurrying back to JCube B1. What's with the two Jurong East malls having no toilets on the first floor?

Oh such pain! My stomach is in so much pain! I feel so miserable and angry at the same time, as I sit on the toilet tweeting. I lean back. I bend forward til my hair touches the floor. Finding positions to get that shit out is so intense.

Nothing comes out, but guess what? Instead of pooping, I get up, turn around and immediately vomit into the bowl. I get the urge again, but this time nothing except spit. And then again, this time a lot more vomit than before. It smells like prata in here! I knew eating breakfast is always a terrible idea!

I spit again, and this is when I find it difficult to move. My stomach pains restrict me from making a single move, because I will get the urge to puke again. I try to limit my movements, and it leaves only one thing to do, and that is, believe it or not: to call my boyfriend. 

So I do, I call the fag, and tell him or more like whine to him about what's going on. I don't usually make phone calls when I'm in a toilet cubicle, but here I am, slurring my words like I'm drunk, crying in pain, and raising my voice in frustration when he doesn't get what I'm saying. 

His last words are "I don't know what to do!" , right before I immediately hang up. 

I gather courage to get out, with the intention to lie down somewhere. At this point of time my vision is kind of corrupted, maybe from constantly turning my head upside down earlier. You know when you stand up too quick and the blood rushes to your head and you see stars? I saw those stars for about 2 minutes before they disappear and I can stand straight again. I settle in for the staircase lobby, where it was dimly lit. I find a corner, dumped by bag as a pillow and just crash. God. Why do you do this to me??? 

'Aamir calls. He asks me where I am, and he says he's ditched class and is on his way. God thank you God!!! Thank you for giving me such a kind boyfriend. What have I ever done to deserve this? I lie on the staircase landing, trying not to cry as other shoppers occasionally walk past. 

By the time he reaches I've already made my way out and to a seat on the first floor of JCube. He passes me a box of menstrual Panadols and brings me to NTUC where he buys me a bottle of mineral water. He makes me eat a pill in the middle of the way, insisting that I eat it before we make any other moves. 

Afterwards he tells me to eat and I protest, believing with all my heart that it was the breakfast which made me so miserable. He still insists, and although I've no appetite at all, I give in. 

He buys me McNuggets with hot tea, which I add 4 packs of sugar to. He goes back to being an annoying other half, and that's when I start to feel a little better. The stomach pains fade away.

I've already made an appointment at Lakeside, so he brings me. He and I are just being ourselves again, and I'm feeling so much better! Not only in my tummy but in my heart too awwww. And I manage to trip him like how he's always doing to me! I can't stop giggling. 

____

I like Mondays, yes. 

Though today was a little miserable at first [I swear the cramps were damn painful okay???], today's no exception. I like Mondays. 

Thank you for rescuing me today fag. You're such a kind person I don't even know where to begin. You skipped class and threw your money and face away to buy me menstrual pills, and you can even say "Nah it's my responsibility babe." Why did God send you to me when I'm such an asshole??? Ugh you're so awesome it hurts.

P.s. Still calling you Fag. 

P.p.s Love you (;

Alternate days' updates, and... PICTURES?

Hey there.

I'm in such a comfortable position right now, I don't think I'll complete this post very soon. I'm just slacking here on my pillow, against my pile of clothes hahahahahah. Ha.

So where have I been? What have I been up to? Do you even care? Well, if you don't, then all the more reason for me to tell you! Wowowowowowoooopp!

Shall I tell you my entire week? Well, I suppose I shall. So bear with me. Or maybe I'm just gonna write about the alternate days. Yep. I don't remember what happened on Thursday.

The time now is 12:41PM. We shall see what time I end this post. I'm such a slacker.

Monday, 28th of October, 2013.

Jurong East. 

2nd week of Comiss. I must admit I was already looking forward to this lesson from the very first one. My comiss classmates are such wonderful people! If you remember the guy who held out his hand for the stapler and not for a handshake, yep his name is Shan. And yep he's one of my Comiss classmates.

Best part of that Monday was when Shan began singing suddenly, "Cause I don't wanna lose you now~" It immediately thundered loud right after that, and I was like, "Sial ah, you sing only then got thunder sia!" And I just couldn't stop giggling whenever I thought about the way he sang so horribly!

I met 'Aamir afterwards, we got burgers from Maccy D, sat down at the stairs by the station while I told him many more of the things which happened. And that made me so happy, to be able to tell him my day at school again. Don't even remember the last time I did that.

Oh and by the way, I'd worn a polyester maxi skirt on this day. On my own accord. Anyone proud of me yet?

Wednesday, 30th of October, 2013.

Pasir Ris / Jurong East. 

I'm just gonna skip out on Tuesday because I just had 2 hours of lecture and I went straight home afterwards, so nothing much really happened.

So! Wednesday! The day before, I'd gotten a call from my previous employer [employer really? I'm not sure what to label him] to come collect my cheque when I'm free. I decided to go on Wednesday since I ended school quite early.

Made my way all the way to Pasir Ris, where I took a bus straight to my old workplace, Tampines' retail park. Upon reaching the receptionist said he was out for lunch, so I thought I'd grab my own as well. But alas and alack, I bumped into him on the way out.

Blahblahbloo, he told me to wait at the couch on the 4th floor, and he came out some time later with a cheque. Here's where it gets confusing.

Shushan, who got me this job in the first place, had mentioned CPF. On my last few days of work, I kept counting and recounting the amount my salary would be, and I even subtracted off the CPF amount. It totaled up between the range of 650-700.

When he gave me the cheque, it had $707. I got confused, and I stared at it with this questioning look. The only thing that ran in my mind at the time was, "Why is it so much?"

So he asked me, "Wei, are you okay?", to which I'd answered, "I'm just not sure how to count the CPF."

It was his turn to get lost. He answered, "Oh no, you don't get CPF because you're not through agency. Shushan is, and that's why she has."

So I said, "Well if that's the case, then my pay should definitely be higher than this." [Yes people, I said that]

Blahblahblah again, and I told him that I've been counting my pay, and the salary I should be getting should definitely be more than $800. He brought me back to his office and that was when he saw the mistake: they had counted the hourly rate as 7 instead of the 8 that he had told me on the first day of work.

IN SHORT!, it was a wasted trip to the East.

I traveled back to the West afterwards, back to Jurong East where I met 'Aamir once again. We had an early dinner at Maccy D again, where as always he was irritating the hell out of me.

Afterwards I had to pester him to accompany me window shopping at Topshop because I've never shopped there before. I practically begged him and in the end he only gave me 5 minutes. Meh.

I just had to touch all the long-sleeved chiffon and knit and denim, I just couldn't resist. And I also had to put on every single hat in the store, my goodness! I want a bowler hat!

And yup. That was the end of our date.

Friday, 01st November, 2013.

Tampines / Choa Chu Kang. 

Oh yaaaay first day of the month yaaaaaaayyayyayayyyy.
Yay.

Okay so I had a long day at school. First class was at 8, last ends at 5, with a freaking 3-hours break in between. IT'S EXHAUSTING OKAY? I hate the long break. It's so damn redundant. But that's what I get for being a repeat student, so whatever.

I ended school half an hour earlier so I headed off to Dover to meet Shushan. Destination for the day was Tampines, because a Carouseller had purchased my H&M Stockings. Yup, yay!

But guess what? I was already nearing Simei when the buyer told me neither she nor her brother could make it to meet me. Being the nice person I am, I told her Oh it's okay, I was just passing by my home anyway, I'll just drop by here then. No problem. Because I didn't want her to feel bad.

IN SHORT!, another wasted trip to the East.

So 'Aamir had invited me to his school for the night, because his classmate Dina had a dance performance. The wasted trip to the East had eaten up my time, definitely, and as hard as I'd tried to rush, I didn't make it in time for her performance. I'm so sorry Dina.

I got lost in the school prior to that, and this group of two Malay girls and a Malay guy approached me and asked me for directions. We decided to go together and when we were waiting for the lift, the guy looked at me and said in a low voice to the girls, "Melayu eh?" the girls just shrugged and I heard one of them saying No lah. Well hey, if you are reading this, YES. MELAYU.

I had a merry time though. Idk about you guys but I think Malays are really talented in dancing.

'Aamir and I left early, along with his classmates Farhan and Marcus. While waiting for my bus, the fag kept pestering me to finish the cake that Yazid's mom had made. I pretended to scowl and told him I'd only eat it if he feeds me [just me being annoying, demanding things to irritate him], so he scooped up a whole bunch and told me to open my mouth.

I did, and Idk what happened, but he freaking slammed the cake at the side of my mouth instead. Cream was all over my mouth, and pieces of the cake had fallen to the ground and my freaking maroon jeans.

I really didn't know how to react, I mean, well. He's clumsy, so it could have been an accident. But he's also an asshole, which means it might be on purpose, knowing he'd probably had a mindset of "You want me to feed you, this is what you get muahahahah".

Either way, my reaction would still be an emotionless face because I'm used to it, along with a very pissed "'Aamir Kamsari." BECAUSE HE'S JUST NEVER SHORT OF HIS ANTICS.

But that's just what I like about being with him.

____

I guess that's it for now.

I've been browsing on Carousell a lot, and I've already confirmed wanting to purchase three items. Just today, I'd gotten three enquiries on three different items of mine. But they all decided to pass instead. Sigh. Still can't help getting excited whenever I receive Carousell notifications, yay.

And guess what! From now on, I'm gonna post pictures.
But still to keep in touch with myself, it's just gonna be a once-in-a-month thing. Perhaps a little bit of earlier in the month? Because I'm really excited to show you what I got on Carousell, that's why!

There're flea markets today, which sadly I can't make it to! [because I'm just lazy, so sorry] If you're wandering on the streets right now wondering where to go, try Suntec Convention Centre or Lucky Plaza Level 6.

I'm gonna head back to my endless scrolling through Carousell. How I hope people would buy my items T.T I'm on a journey to change my fashion sense, that's why.

Oh guess what! The time now is 2:41 PM. Two hours to write this post eh. That's slow.

For Nura - Getting started on exploring SG

If I were to tell a new friend, "I love traveling,", they'd immediately think that I'm talking about the world. Yes, everyone who knows me knows I like to travel, but no... I don't get out of my country at all. I travel, but only in Singapore.

This actually only started in the year 2013. Before I met 'Aamir, I'd never been anywhere further than Paya Lebar, where my aunt's house is. In fact, the first time I visited my aunt on my own, without my Mom bringing me, was only 3 years ago. 

Just a year ago I didn't even know how to transfer to the North South Line when I came from Pasir Ris. Maybe it was because Mom was always bringing me everywhere, which most of the time was via cab. Of course I grew older, and of course I moved out and made a new city my new hometown; and that was when I started expanding my horizon.

A job in the East, a school in the West, and a boyfriend from the North. You bet that because of all these little things I had to travel a lot around. Everything was fine until the point of time when I realised that adult fare really sucks. School started and I discovered an all-bus journey from home, so as much as I liked the MRT, I decided that bus concession was a lot more worth it. 

So what's my point of this post??? I've actually been planning to write about my "navigational memory/gift" shit, but that won't be it. I read my good friend Nura's blog post, about how she wants to explore Singapore. I'm gonna write about a few of the things I did when I started out this exploring thing, and other things you'd like to do when starting out yourself. 

I'm not sure if this would help you, or if this post is damn irrelevant because I know Singapore is small and many people think it's not worth exploring because there's nothing here. If that's what you think, I suggest you walk the whole country without discovering new things, before I allow you to tell me there's nothing interesting here. 

And I'd also prefer for you to shut up unless you can go to any place in Singapore without getting lost.

Oh yes, I've remembered my intention of this post. It's to assure Nura that with these factors, you will never get lost if you want to explore. 

1. MRT Lines

Yes. My best friend. Start out by exploring the many different MRT Lines. Start out going on the line you're familiar with, but right at the other end instead. If you're from Jurong East, head on to Bishan. If you're from Tampines, head on to Boon Lay. Eventually you'll want to move on to the other lines, and that's just the fun part.

Get used to traveling on MRTs. And I'm not saying get used to the crowds, I'm talking about the "don't complain about going to Harbourfront if you live in Woodlands" kind of get used to it. 

And don't just stare at the people sitting opposite you. Stand by the doors and just look out wherever, so you can see if there's any station worth exploring. Or if you wanna sit then you could just turn your head and look out the windows. [Only for parts of the North South and East West Lines though, of course] 

2. Long bus rides

Set aside $27, or $52 if you're a Poly student like me [because fuck adult fares, that's why], head on to the counter at MRT stations and top up bus concession. Restrain yourself from taking the MRT, and just stick to bus rides to wherever. If you don't know what bus to take to a destination, there are bus boards for a reason. There is Google for a reason. You have 3G for a reason. [or if you don't then just plan ahead]

Why long bus rides? Because then you'll familiarise yourself with the roads. Not every place is within an MRT station, at least, not yet. Til then, instead of listening to music and just stoning out the window pretending you're in a music video, try observing your surroundings. Read the street/road signs. If you have to take this bus ride frequently in your life, great. Eventually the names will stick to your head and if you're ever looking for some place, you'll remember it. 

Or better still, just go on long bus rides from one end to another for fun. Take 67 from Choa Chu Kang all the way to Tampines and check that out. Take 168 from Bedok all the way to Woodlands, and explore the shit out of unfamiliar places. 

3. Shopping? Food? Attractions?

Decide what you're looking for. When I read about the thrift shops, I must admit that I've never heard most of the street names before. Only when the blog entries mentioned a nearby MRT station was I able to find out where their locations were. 

Once you know what you're looking for, it should be easy to narrow down where you're going. You'll know straight on where you want to go. You'll know you're heading to Central. You know you're heading to this street. This building. Blablabla. That way, you'll also make sure that you're going somewhere, and won't be disappointed if you go somewhere new to see that there's nothing you find interesting. 

4. Don't be scared.

Don't. If you want to explore, you go all out. Don't be like Oh shit Bukit Timah is so weird, help me I'm from Pasir Ris I don't know this shit asdfghjkl Just think of where you WANT to go instead of where you came from. I can't lie to you, but yes, you will get lost. But no, you don't need anyone to be with you. You have to be fearless. It's your country. I know it's not as fun as road trips across America or whatnot, but hey whatever. Going around Singapore on buses and MRTs is just as cool.

If you do ever get lost... 

No worries at all. Just continue walking if you're looking for someplace. If you're lost in the way that you've no idea where you are anymore and you just want to go home, just find a nearby bus stop and look at the board. Don't just read the interchange where it terminates, that's a bad habit which I only just recently dropped. Look at the list of bus stops as well and you'll never know if you see someplace familiar, or an MRT station that's nearer to where you live. 

I'd rather you explore when you've got more money. You'll never know if you see something you really like, or if you wanna eat some cake at a little cafe, or most importantly if you just need to top up your Ez-link. 

#1 and #2 are what you need to start off with. Familiarise yourself, that's what I'd like to say. And get used to it and not fret over distance. Only then will you be able to move on to #3, because you will get used to bus rides and shit. 

Most importantly is of course #4, because as long as you are scared, you won't get anywhere. Don't ask anyone to come along because it's best to go alone. That way, you don't have to be under pressure if your companion gets tired, or the other way around. You do things your way. Doesn't that sound wonderfrou?

I'm not sure if this helps but I hope it does. People complain about Singapore every single day, but only because they focus on a few little little things. Yea the education system sucks indeed but I still love the familiarity of the roads in my country okay? Go explore and blog about it, cutiepie. 

Faith

What are you thinking? I will never know. You used to beg me all the time, never to leave you no matter how shitty you got. You told me to bear with you, and I did, and I would have even if you didn't tell me to.

And because my behaviour definitely gets shitty too, I wanted you to stay despite that as well. We promised never to leave each other. And due to what you've been through because of me, I had faith that you would always bear with me. Because you were the only one who's seen this much of me and still decided to stay.

I had so much faith in you.

Still, I knew that didn't mean I should keep being bitchy, thinking I'd get away with it. Well, I tried to change. I tried to be more adoring. I tried to be less stubborn, though I admit this was super difficult. When you said I was over-attached, I tried to text you lesser too, giving less energetic responses, though in the end I cried because it didn't make me happy to be giving you the cold shoulder.

You once said to me, a long time ago, "Thank you for your sacrifices." The word sacrifices. I didn't even know what I was doing for you could be called that. All I knew was everything I'd ever done for you was out of my own will. I may not have done much to begin with, but... Yeah. Sacrifices. I didn't know I made those. Because you really are important to me.

My pride. My ego. You and I, we both know these are my prized possessions. I don't think you've known me with 100% of my ego, because I think I've always put aside enough for your sake. How many times have I said sorry for hurting you, how many times have I said sorry for being angry at you when you were the one who hurt me.

After all we've been through are you really gonna let it all go? Right after persuading me never to leave you, even after the numerous times I was on the verge of doing so. This unfairness is one thing, but didn't I tell you before, when you're in a relationship you gotta love three things and that is the person, the memories, and the possibility of a future.

There comes a time when you would hate me like hell. That's the time you gotta stop and think, What has she ever done for me? What have I ever done for her? You've done so much for me, and it's gonna be a waste if you let it all go just like that. I did this for myself too, by thinking of whatever we've done for each other, what we've been through together. Because I swear to you, it really helps. It's how I'd managed to always stay with you no matter what.

My faith in you is what helps the possibility of a future thing. I believe in our relationship and that's why I don't mind spending my last bucks on a meal for you. Let others see this as silly, but we always have conversations about marriage. I've mentioned you paying back all the money you want as a husband, though I laughed when I said that but it's true isn't it?

I'm sidetracking from my main topic. What's my main topic again?

I don't know, but I believe I've done my best. I know it was a mistake on my part to have made you my everything. But I guess I just have that much faith in you. I believed in us so strongly. Just like back in our "courting" days, when you tried so hard to make me happy because you believed in us. I guess it's my turn. It'll always be my turn.

I told you again and again I'll always fight for you. Perhaps when you told me Goodbye, you were just signalling me to pull you back. Girls aren't the only sensitive people and I've learnt that through my relationship with you. I'm sorry I didn't bother to ask you what's wrong when I should, and I'm sorry for asking what's wrong when the time is not right. I'm sorry for asking you what's wrong when I myself didn't see it.

I guess a huge part of me is just really angry at you for breaking my faith in you. I think I stand strong for my faith while with you it's about the trust.

Anyway, you know I'm always angry for no reason, you do. I know too that I'm always quick to surrender to anger and blame, especially in the rush and panicky moments like when I dropped my laptop. And really, what makes it hard for me to part with you at the end of a date is always due to the fact that you're angry at me. I just can't stand letting you go home angry or upset, and yet I have no idea how to treat your emotions. I know I always ended up making things worse, but that's my reason for it.

And about the topping up your ezlink part... I've really never used the machine to top up before okay, apart from when I used Netts. I swear I've never used coins on it before. I did saw that the slot was closed, but I really thought it was gonna open when you slip in a coin. All I thought, when you were walking away, was that you didn't have enough money to top up. I asked you what's wrong because it was a reaction on my part, for wanting to help you out.

I guess that's all I can say now. I feel better now. You do know I will always fight for you no matter what. Because I will never ever forget how you never gave up on me during our younger days.

I suppose now it's your choice what you want to make this post of: the start, or the end.

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Goodbye ego

You know what I'm gonna say. [A part of me isn't sure if you'd be reading this, but you did say that you would always read my every post. I believe you.]

After the whole Clementi episode [see previous post by clicking the arrow at the bottom of this post if you are on mobile] , I didn't text him at all. It was probably the longest I'd gone without trying to start a conversation with him, or apologising or whatever. About 24 hours, and that's already a long time.

I would probably have asked him out honestly, probably would have texted him at 4pm. But my cousin already made a date with me so I just decided that, Okay, let's just continue not texting him for a little longer. I didn't have the time to check my phone when I was already with my cousin and her hubby anyway. I only used my phone to Instagram my yoghurt and when I was finally on the way home.

And what did I see? He had DM-ed me, saying goodbye. Went to his profile to see that he had removed me from his bio and was tweeting shit like being alone and, shit. My first reaction was WHAAAT. I guess at this point of time I was so not bothered that I just went to my bio and removed him. And straightway tweeted about badly needing to pee.

The first thing he tweeted afterwards was a "Are you really done with me?"
1. I did not decide on anything didn't I? You were the one who suddenly made this decision without talking to me first. Communication. That's also one important thing of a relationship. But you? You never had communication with me recently as well. And then just decided on a break-up without even telling me what's wrong.
2. That tone was just so fucking doubtful. At this point of time you'd think he should have straightway texted me himself, and start a bloody conversation regarding this issue. But nope. Nope. NOPE.

Am I really done with you? Ask yourself. You know me better.

But in case not, I'm just gonna go through some things I've done which should easily answer your question.

How many times... Have I put everything behind me?
Whenever we fought and you said something like "I think we should part,", I'd straightaway go against it, asking you why and just asking you to tell me what's wrong. Even on the occasions I said Yea sure goodbye, the very next day or even hour I'd still be like Hey babe what's up.

How many times... Have I said I've given up on you, only to try again?
You were so busy all the time, or just, gaming. You'd reply hours later, most of the time when I'm already asleep. This issue had been going on for a few months already, but the reason why I still stayed was because I put all that behind me.

How many times... Have I fought for you?
The real question is how many times have you left me?

How many times... Have I put my ego aside for you?
You know how huge my ego is. If I hadn't put it aside for you all the time we'd probably have broken up like two months into our relationship. Because you taught me not to be egoistic. Sure, most of the time I still have a hint of that pride in me, but at the end of the day, I chose to lose that instead of losing you.

How many times... Have I left you, only to say sorry afterwards?
I always told you "That's it, we're over. Don't talk to me anymore.", shit like that. The next day, I'd be saying good morning or I'm sorry for getting angry at you, or just straightway asking you to eat dinner with me after school, like nothing happened. Because leaving you was never what I wanted. It was all said in anger. And that's why I wasn't gonna let this stupid emotion get the best of me. Of us.

How many times... Have I kept trying?
288 times, everyday from the very day we got together.

Only you and God know what I've done for you. From hunting down maroon pullovers and lollipops to waiting three hours for you to end gym, from cracking my head trying to memorise the Arab prayers for solat [because I didn't know we could say in Malay] to pushing you away no matter how high my temptations were as well.

And if you don't know, this post is the losing of ego on my part. Although I'm not talking to you straight, this post is for you, to show that once again I wanna let go of my pride for you. I'm willing to try again, I'm just not sure about you.

I admit right now that I still want to hold your hand. I still want to walk aimlessly around shopping malls with you. I still want to eat cheap student meals with you. I still want to sulk and hold my laughter in whenever you're being annoying. I still want to go Lan and play L4D with you like what you suggested just three days ago. I still want to put my arms around your neck and kiss you. I just... Still want to be with you.

Why I was pissed yesterday

We met at Clementi. 1. I had to wait like 20 minutes for him to appear after his last call. And for your information, he had told me in this phone call that he was upstairs on the 4th level of Clementi Mall and was coming down already. 4th level? More like 400th, judging by the amount of time he took. 

That was forgiven as always, and I told him I was hungry so we went to Burger King. It was pretty much the only thing I could afford. 2. Asked him if he would go buy for me, but NOOOO he was lazy and he wanted to play Fifa14 instead.

Fine then. So I went to buy myself. Whenever I asked him to buy food, he would always ask me to go with him and I'd always do so. 3. And what's more, the queue was so freaking long and I was fucking bored without someone to talk to. He should have went along with me to buy my food. Because I always followed him. 

When I got back, I asked if he could take mayonaise for me because I forgot. What's more I was lazy to go back. 4. If he could give the excuse earlier, why couldn't I? He still refused, asked me to take myself. Ehrm was it so hard??? Like dude I'm always taking the chili sauce for you whenever you asked me to. 

5. He kept eating my potato wedges, and wiping his oily fingers on my new laptop bag. Even when I've snapped at him, not to do both. He still had the cheek to continue doing so, and laughing when I'm obviously pissed. 

6. Still playing Fifa14. Dude I'm right in front of you. And you yourself said we're meeting just for a while. Aren't you supposed to use the time with me wisely, shit like that??? Is Fifa14 only accessible in Burger King Clementi Mall??? 

He kept drinking my Coke when I still wanted it. In the end when I couldn't drink anymore of it, I offered the rest to him. 7. NO, HE DOESN'T WANT IT ANYMORE AFTER I'M DONE WITH IT

Whatever. So we walked past Old Chang Kee, and he saw chicken cheese balls. He wanted some! But he didn't have any money. He only had five bucks which he needed to top up his Ez-link later. Okay, so I offered him some of my money, asked him if he wanted to. 8. Got mouth. No answer. 

9. He walked on ahead of me, without any acknowledge of my presence. So I told him to stop it with the shitty attitude, the sudden silent treatment. It was so fucking sudden, there was no wind no nothing and he started giving me the cold shoulder. Who wouldn't get pissed? Did I do anything wrong?

At this point of time he told me to just go home,  but I couldn't. Because what if he had problems topping up or whether he had enough coins to top up his Ez-link? 10. I insisted on following him a while more, and he gave this irritated sigh, and even mumbled under his breath, "Menyusahkan je." Excuse me???

And yup, he did encounter problems. I just watched him while he inserted his notes into the machine, and counted out his coins. He probably didn't have enough, because he canceled the transaction and walked away without topping up. 11. And he didn't bother telling me what's up. 

Although I knew, I still asked, "Eh asal?" like that, yup. Not rude at all. My tone was level. My tone was questioning. That was fucking it. 12. NOPE. HE HEARD ME. BUT NOPE. HE DECIDED TO IGNORE ME INSTEAD AND WALKED AWAY WITH HIS CUNTFACE.

So I just pinched his arm and was like, "STOP DOING THIS TO ME I FUCKING ASKED YOU A QUESTION" but I didn't manage to complete my sentence because he finally regarded my fucking existence, by yelling in a low voice [if that makes sense], "Eh, fuck you." He said it with such venom in his voice, with gritted teeth. 

Lastly, he just told me, "I think you just fuck off lah. Fuck off." So I did, without giving a shit whether or not he had money to get home. And for once, I really didn't give a shit about whether he managed to get home or not. To me, it was whatever, who fucking cares. 

Fucking faggot with bullshit attitude. That's what you are. Don't blame me for getting pissed, these are the reasons which collated my anger. If you're gonna get pissed at me for blogging about this and letting people judge you blahblahblah, just shut the fuck up. Even if I talk to you now about what I was so angry about yesterday, you wouldn't give a shit. You wouldn't hear me out. You wouldn't bother. So you'd better not bother reacting as well.

From a shattered daughter.

In an empty house they told me to call 'home';
People labeled 'family' who left me all alone.
The only times they came into my room;
Was to hit me til I couldn't move.

A thousand acres of hatred from them;
I exchanged with all the love I could send.
Palms held together with my pleads and begs;
I was as worthless as a used-up rag.

They screamed "I hate you", with so much cold;
More passion than "I love you" could ever hold.
They looked at me with so much disgrace;
Funny thing was, I had their blood in my veins.

Called for help til my throat went sore;
They looked at me for a second, nothing more.
Blood on my sleeves meant nothing to mother;
More bruises on my body, added by father.

Hate more than love, disdain more than pride;
I was nothing in your eyes but a worthless child.
Endured what I could until I could no longer cope;
I ran out of love for you, I ran out of hope.

from your daughter,
E'indah Nadhirah. 

Two more thrift shops!

Hello and welcome back to Pokemon X and Y! I have MunchingOrange's introduction stuck in my head after I've watched tens of gameplays on his channel. Yep, welcome back to 109BlackAxesii.

So. What have I been up to? I hadn't been blogging, I know, right after I told myself I'm gonna write a post everyday. I have a reason okay? I've finally told my Aunty my end-of-semester exam results, and then she told me to print them out. That's why I've been avoiding using my laptop, so I can give excuses like "Oh I'm doing my homework now, I'm not gonna turn on my laptop cause I'll get distracted" well hey, it's the truth.

Here's what I've been up to: I've made trips to two more thrift shops the past two days, and I'm gonna tell you all about it, along with my days at school. 

Class starts at 3 on Tuesday afternoons, so I thought it was the perfect chance to head to New2U, since it closes at 2.30.

It was raining when I got there. There's this long escalator that goes to the exit of the station, with the ceilings being glass. Raindrops were splattering all over and I was like OH NO. But no worries, nothing ever deters me, so I made my way in the rain. 

 I thought it'd be difficult to find but it was easy as hell. Exit E of Bras Basah station, and walk straight on ahead til you see these walls with graffiti on them; address being 96 Waterloo St. 

It took me a while to look through every piece of clothing. I did see a few pieces that were fine, but they weren't really something I would wear. There was this chiffon collared top which was pretty, but I knew I wouldn't wear it. 

I did however bought a black outerwear, and a long-sleeved top with a Topshop label. They were going for $4 each, but because Tuesdays are half-price for students day, I got them for $2 each instead. Yay!

I didn't bother going through the skirts because yes, I wouldn't wear those; not through the bags too. I don't remember seeing any shoes, but I did saw a little section in the corner for men apparels. Didn't look through those either. So sorry.

You have to try coming here though. The prices are so cheap, ranging from $4 to $6. Seriously, those were the only prices I saw on the pricetags. There were many kinds of dresses and skirts and tops, depends on your preference. Show your student card and get your items half-priced. Woohoo! 

Made my way to school right after, by making a detour back to Bugis and taking 197 to Jurong East. Yup, I know there are direct buses to school from there, but I still had two hours before class started. 

I went to H&M at Jem first, with the intention of getting those stockings I had seen on my previous trip. I had three pairs of skin colour stockings already, which my aunt had bought for me, so yeah, I pretty much needed black. 

People would usually go shopping after school, but me? The other way around. The thought of going back to school after a day of shopping was just dampening. But it's okay since it was just two hours of lecture :D

When I got home though... GUESS WHAT. I opened them stockings, only to find out they were freaking skin colour. WHAT THE HELL H&M!? The freaking packaging had this picture of black stockings dammit! And that was when I saw the freaking tiny alphabets at the corner stating: "light amber". THE LEAST THEY COULD HAVE DONE WAS WRITE THAT BIGGER AND NOT BENEATH THE ITEM NUMBER?????

In short, I bought three more pairs of something which I already have three of. 

FUCK ME!

I woke up late yesterday. On normal days, I'd wake up three hours before the first lesson starts so I'd have time to dry my hair and take an all-bus journey all the way to school. Yesterday, I woke up one and a half hour before lesson started. I had no choice but to take the MRT. Ugh!

Yes, I have a weird obsession with MRT Lines, but hey. Nobody likes the MRT when you only have bus concession, and when it's so damn crowded til you had to go back two stations just to be able to board the train. AND NOBODY LIKES IT WHEN THEM HUMANS TRY TO SQUEEZE IN WHEN THERE'S OBVIOUSLY NO SPACE LEFT FOR THEM. 

School was better than the trip to. There was only three hours of EMPTS, but even better?: we were dismissed an hour earlier. 

I had so much time so I decided to go to Praisehaven, a Salvation Army outlet at Upper Bukit Timah. It took me a while to get there, because I didn't know what bus to take, and when I finally got on a bus, I looked out the wrong side of the window, making me completely missing the building. 

I alighted somewhere at Bukit Batok, and had to look through the Internet, and cross the road to check out the bus board on the other side blahblahblah. Finally got on a 178 to take me to the Rail Mall bus stop, since the Internet said it was a nearby bus stop to the thrift shop. 

Made my way in the sun, though, I love the sun. I really do. What's more, the overhead bridge had no shelter so I was pretty much basking in the sunlight, having my hair blown through with the accompanying wind. 

The reviews for Praisehaven were accurate. It did felt like a department store from the older days, and everything was truly neat and organised. There were paintings and appliances and mini showcase rooms for the furniture. Along with rows and rows of books, and shelves and shelves of bags. 

Of course, the first section I had to check out was the ladies apparels. Okay, I did find many things I wanted: these knit pullovers that came in cream and pink, and this jacket with really cool zip layout. But one thing I'd have to tell you: the prices here are probably not to your liking. Most items were $10 or above, definitely not worth for thrift items, yeah? 

There were skirts that weren't too short too, ohmygod. Vintage kind of skirts, yes! But of course, I wouldn't wear them. I found a really cute bag though; a cross-body bag, kind of the soft leather material I think? Idk. But yeah. After checking to see that it was functional and shit, I looked inside to find out the price: $5! Woohoo! 

I caught sight of this hot pair of boots with metal parts here and there [studs, they call it?] but they weren't my size. Most of the other shoes were heels, with a few flats which weren't really my type. There were also these chiffon tops which I really wanted! But of course.... They were too big for me T.T

You gotta make your way to these thrift shops someday man! I'm sure you'd find something you like, if you look past the fact that these are all secondhand items and shit. 

Made my way to Jurong East library afterwards where I had a nice plate of cream pasta with juicy chicken YUM. But again, FUCK ME, because there was no student price for some reason and I had to pay the full price of $7. 

Read for a while before meeting 'Aamir at the bus interchange. I bought myself this three-belts-pack from Cotton On, since Shushan wanted back her magic belt which helped changed my fashion sense. T.T 

We had Maccy D after, and that's when we went back to being the idiot couple we are. I can't forget the moment when I was sitting and facing the stairs which he was coming from. He gave me this seductive grin, so I smiled back, and he FREAKING TRIPPED. I think he missed a step or something but you should have seen the look on his face! His medium Sprite also overturned on his tray, and that was when I stood up and went over to help him, though I was still laughing. 

"Don't you dare laugh at me, you faggot!" was just an invitation to get me to laugh harder HURHURHUR. 

Another idiotic moment of his, was when he decided to swallow the entire sachet of sugar he had taken. I have absolutely no idea what the hell happened, but all of a sudden he just blurted out the contents from his mouth and sputtered the sugar all over. I felt a few grains hitting my face, but all I could do was look back at him, trying to control any outburst. 

He laughed, and I just went "WHAT THE HELL 'AAMIR.", which just made him laugh all the more, of course. "I'm sorry, I wanted to talk but I spit out instead HAHAHAHAHAHAHA" and he continued his giggling. Yup, if you think it's gross, I'm damn used to all his acts of annoyance and imbecility. 

I have half an hour before class starts. I'm really hungry, but I shall save my goddamned money. Splurged too much yesterday, and I just realised it, holy crap. 

I don't want to blog about today yet, but I'll have you know I did something terrible... 

The toilet bowl had tissue papers in it. I don't know about you, but what I'd always do is just freaking flush that down and think to myself "Ugh what's so difficult about freaking flushing". That's what I did, and Idk why.... But..... The toilet bowl decided to vomit on me. 

And when I say vomit, I really mean it. There aren't anymore words to describe it. Water just spilled out from its mouth, in floods, and non-stop. Holy shit, I ran out straight and I saw that I had flooded all five cubicles WHAT THE FUCK.

That's all for now, I can't wait for November because I wanna hit all those flea markets again! November is the season of flea markets: come down to Lucky Plaza Level 6, every day of November and see what you can find (;

And about these thrift shops, I'm gonna make more trips to the same ones again in future. Things change, more clothes get donated, so you'll never know what more you can find on other weeks.

Glad I didn't skip today's lesson.

We had first lesson of Comiss today. And by 'we', I mean most of the Ngee Ann Poly students I know. Honestly I didn't feel like going at all, and the temptation to skip today's class was damn high. But well, I gathered my guts and just made my way to Block 53.

I was actually the first to arrive, would you believe that? Not even the teacher was there; the classroom was dark as hell. Eventually she did, and the classroom started filling up as well. And then I realised... I was the only girl. Until this other girl came, and of course, seeing the rest being guys, she made her way toward me.

She asked if she could sit there, so I told her of course she could! And that was the first smile I gave all day. I learnt her name, Wani, and very soon after we also discovered that the two of us were the only girls in the class.

First lesson today was not bad actually! Wani and I went for lunch together, or, more like a quick break. We got waffles which we ate in class, and I even managed to bring in a cup of Milo hehe.

Oh, introductions. I'm always struggling with what to say as a first impression, because I have too many stories to tell! In the end I settled in for my name, age, course, my true desired course and why I'm in this course instead. Yup.

Okay, the video about water was hilarious. Not really the contents actually, just the part of the lesson when we were all watching it. We were laughing away, and I couldn't stop giggling even after the laughter had died down! Well, I'd describe what we were laughing about but it was more of a "you had to be there".

At the end of the lesson, our teacher told us that our key to leaving the classroom was to give yet another introduction, this time with the tips we had just learnt in the lesson. In one minute. Damn!

I was the fourth to go, on my own will, and you have no idea how badly nervous I were. My knees were shaking and my heart was beating so quickly. And when I spoke, my lips were trembling! Everyone's eyes were on me okay? Don't blame me.

What did I tell everyone, you ask? I love writing. Yup, that was the first thing I had to say. How I've been writing since a decade ago, and how I still continued in the form of a blog as I grew older. And then I told them how I'm still trying to work hard to get recognised for it, because it's not only a hobby, but it's a passion. It's life.

I also made a reference to Naomi Neo, haha. So sorry. I also told them how I'm not living with my parents, and how I'm in a course that I absolutely hate [the shit with Maths and, shit], and that writing is my way of trying to get my life back together after all that shit.

Yup. One minute down, so I just thanked everyone, went back to my seat to pick up my bag, and left the room.

I made a solitary escapade to Jurong Point to get myself ear sticks, to accommodate for the one which had fallen off in the morning. Ugh what a pain. And then the prince was telling me not to keep anymore studs, and to just keep myself clean of piercings. I couldn't.

If you're reading this, prince, I just want to let you know that I was looking forward to telling you all about my day today. But yes, I never have a chance to talk to you anymore. You say yourself that our conversations are boring, and it seems like I won't make a difference if I tell you how my day at school went. That's why I decided to blog about today instead, as tired as I am to even turn on my laptop, and as much as I want to talk to you instead of blogging. We're growing distant, we are, and you're losing interest in our conversations it seems. But it's okay, I have my old sweetheart: writing and blogging.

I really depend on writing for life huh, do I.

From today on, I'm gonna be blogging more frequently, especially to write about how my day went. If it gets boring, do let me know. Thank you for the support. I'm gonna continue chasing my dreams of being a writer, and at the same time cherishing my school days in Engineering, as much as I hate it.

Sponsored by SMRT...?!?!

The rich will only get richer while the poor remain poor.

I've seen how true this is, starting off with this sponsors thing that most bloggers have. So I hear that sponsors give clothes to all these popular bloggers??? Uhm??? Aren't they rich enough to buy from these blogshops if they want to??? Why don't you give those to new bloggers who aren't so famous, so they at least have somewhere to start? Am I making sense here?

Oh no, not that I want free clothes. I'm not even interested in those clothes from the popular blogshops, honestly.

Idk, if I were to go on in this same topic, I'd probably be judged, and people would probably say I'm jealous of all those famous bloggers blahblahblah... Nah. I don't wanna be famous for my looks, I fucking swear. I want to be famous yes, but for my blog. Whatever.

I just had this awesome idea this morning. I realised that I actually would love to have sponsors... From LTA/SMRT. Just imagine if I get sponsored to travel the MRT Lines, just so I could blog about whatever you can find at certain MRT stations. Very much like how some bloggers are sponsored by online boutiques just to write about what clothes you can find there.

What's more, with Downtown Line Part 1 opening in December, and the Thompson Line a few years down the road... Imagine if LTA or SMRT or whatever, paid me to travel around all these lines, unlimited MRT concession so I can tap in and tap out wherever and as many times as I want, just so I could blog about these new stations...

WOULDN'T THAT BE FUCKING AWESOME!?!? I'd love that. I swear I would really love that. I do love traveling on the MRT lines, but I just can't, due to the fact that bus concession is more worth it for me.

But we all know that getting sponsored by something so huge is just the stuff of dreams. How I wish though. It's alright, once the new lines are opened, I'm still gonna hop on a ride and tell you all about it!

School is not bad so far. And forever, I hope

First day of school, and the biggest dilemma was deciding what to wear. In the end I settled for a simple tshirt since I only had three hours of class anyway.

Wednesday, 16th October, 2013.

Day 1.

Okay, so I was super lazy to climb the overhead bridge so I just took 197 to Jurong East, where I can take 52 to school. Furthermore, I kind of knew that there'd be people cutting the queue at Eunos station, so I was too lazy to get pissed off by that too. Wouldn't want to risk getting my morning ruined.

And tadah, I was late by half an hour. Don't blame me, but it was super cold on the bus trip so I had to go for a pee first before heading to class okay?

I was so darn nervous, wondering who'd be in my class and shit, but then I thought: Hey, it shouldn't be so bad, the people would be new because I'm repeating this module after all. Yea... Think positive even under the circumstances.

What a pleasant surprise to see that it was my Engmec teacher who greeted me. And even more surprising to see that there were only three other guys in the classroom. In the end, class officially started an hour after the designated time. Hehe.

Even better? Class ended half an hour earlier.

So I made my way to Ang Mo Kio for some reason. I just felt like going to Nanyang Poly for a visit, but it was too early because neither Asleah nor Farizah had ended class yet. I ended up walking a few blocks around Ang Mo Kio, in the sun too! I love being in the sun!

I found its library too, and it felt like I'd found a lake in the desert. The way it was located too, just standing there alone among other smaller buildings and the park opposite it... You should see it. I think it's gorgeous.

Headed off to Bishan to find Shushan [resulting in my giving her the nickname Shubi hahahahaha] [no, I'm sad I didn't get to go NYP in the end] and we sat at the library cafe waiting for Asleah and Farizah. Asleah came a while after but we waited for Farizah til the counter girl came over and was like, Hey yo if you wanna sit here you gotta buy something yo.

I had library pasta for the first time ever! It's quite cheap too, $4.90 for a plate of chicken cream pasta, along with a can of Coke. Only before 5pm though, because it's student meal.

Anyway, we shared a carton of wedges as well, while deciding where to go next. A pity that we couldn't make it for any thrift stores, so we settled in for Bugis Street. A usual haunt since our secondary school days actually, especially for Shushan and I!

We walked around the second and third levels of Bugis St til my legs went sore! Asleah and Shushan bought more stuff. I was just browsing and shit, because I didn't really have money either [was on the hunt for bowler hat though]. But I did buy this pullover with cat heads all over it! It's so adorable! I had to borrow money from Shushan, and I feel terrible for it but thank you so much!

We were there for three hours I think? Asleah couldn't stop browsing! We all had to make sure she walked ahead of us so she wouldn't wander off again!

My legs were aching by the time I got home. I'm happy with my purchase, though I had to wait til my granny left the room before I could take it out of my bag and hide it under my pile of clothes hehehe. She'd kill me if she knew I bought more clothes okay???

Thursday, 17th October, 2013.

Day 2.

I was late for class again, no surprise. Hey don't look at me like that! It's an 8AM class okay? This class was crowded for some reason, but I saw a few familiar faces, namely the cool guys from my IJ team back in Sem 1.

Shi Hui is also in most of my classes this semester. She was from my previous class too, and seems like she's really glad to have me here with her for the sem! We had EG1 next, which is another module which I'm repeating. I promise to do my best this time.

So we met Susan during our break! She seemed to have gotten a little tanned, I think. But still the same old Susan, same cheerful/annoying Susan! I don't think I have any classes with her this semester, since she's passed everything and is miles and miles ahead of me.

The practical class for DAELN [or whatever] was next, and this was actually not that bad as I'd expected. I hadn't bought notes yet so I had to share with the guy next to me. Didn't really catch his name but it was entertaining to get all confused with the machines together with him!

At the end of class, this dude from the other side of the classroom came over and asked if I had a stapler. Well I had one, but I had to dig through my pencil case because it was buried by my pens. In the meantime he asked me, "What's your name? I'm Shan [I think that's how it's spelled]."

So I told him my name, and he was like "Oh I see!", with this grin, and he stuck out his hand. Well fuck me for this, I actually thought he was asking for a handshake! I already had my hand in the air towards his when I realised he was holding his hand out for the goddamned stapler.

Okay, so far this is the only class which I'd interacted with at least three new faces. Improvement!

We had programming afterwards, and I was in the same class as none other than Faiz. Yes, my good old classmate from good old 5/1 2012. Just like he occasionally did last year, he kept disturbing me. But it's comforting to know that I have at least him to ask if I have any problems in ComPro in the future.

Class ended, school ended, and I made my way to Jurong East. Sat in the library for two hours, and I couldn't help it but I started getting emotional. My eyes kept tearing up, and my heart kept aching.

'Aamir arrived at 7.30, and by this time I was already nearly a mess. I talked to him about it already but I still couldn't help being so riled up over it. I'm not gonna elaborate about what my problem was this time, but he told me that he actually felt guilty for it as well.

He got me soya bean, and that was when I started feeling better. He started annoying me as usual, and I kept making a mock sulky face, just to hold in my laughter whenever he was jokingly insulting me. He is so annoying! But we all know I love him all the same.

So I told him I wanted to go into H&M, but he wouldn't allow me! Finally he said, "Okay fine. But you have ten minutes." I got so excited I quickly finished up my soya bean and went to throw it into the nearest rubbish bin, which was like four shops away.

By the time I got back to the front of H&M where 'Aamir was standing, he showed me his phone and said, "You have six minutes left." He actually freaking started a timer. Son of a barrel!

Made him restart it, and I practically dragged him all around H&M. I kept showing him the clothes which I thought were nice, and kept pointing to pieces on the mannequins which I thought would look good on me hehe. He made his boring remarks ["Yeah that looks good on you." "Yeah that one's cute." "No, that one's so short." "No I don't like you wearing that. So jarang!" "*shakes head with wide eyes*"] before announcing, "One minute left!"

I had a fun time doing that. A retail escapade, though I didn't buy anything.

As usual, I had the hesitation to walk away when we were supposed to part. We also had our no,-you-salam-me argument, me with my "I'm older than you so you salam me", and him with his "I'm the man so you salam me" stand. In the end he took my hand and slammed his knuckles onto my nose, til I could smell the metallic smell of blood. He just laughed, of course, that asshole.

Friday, 18th of October, 2013. 

Day 3. 

Nope, I was not late! I was on time! ComPro as usual, and I actually think I was being a good student today. You can ask Faiz! I even overheard him saying, "Wah, this one must report to sec 5 class chat ah. Say, E'indah is changing!"

Class was quick today. Bought my lecture notes for DAELN, finally, before heading off to Bishan. Met with 'Aamir like an hour later and we had a quick lunch before he headed off to do his Friday prayers. I sat at the bus interchange waiting, while watching Pokemon X gameplays from Dookieshed hehehehehe.

He sent me to Paya Lebar before heading off to Tanah Merah. Quickly did my EG1 assignment, this piece of worksheet that I don't even remember having received. And then....... I slept.

I'm glad I managed to remember bits from Chapter 1. Honestly, while I was doing my work, I had this voice in my head all along, telling me how to do it. Teaching me the methods, and asking me questions that I should ask myself in order to solve the problem. I really heard his voice, and when I made a mistake, it was also his voice that told me where I went wrong. He's also in my EG1 class right now. I hope he'll do his best.

Well, yeah. The school week is over. I'm honestly looking forward to studying, though I still hate the existence [or my lack of] social life. *shrugs*

And you know what I just realised? Whenever 'Aamir is on the phone with me, he'll end the call with "Bye, love you." But he usually ends the "bye" really slowly, dragging out the 'e' part, and it would sound like "Bye-ai". It makes his sentence sound like "Bye, I love you." I don't know about you but it means a lot.

I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!!!??

I'm sorry, I just had to write in again. I have an issue. Well, I do have a lot, but this one is an issue that everyone has....... I don't know what to wear tomorrow.

It's first day of the second semester. And from what I think, it seems like I'm in a class full of new faces. And I'm also one of those new faces. So...... What do I wear as a first impression?

I only have two choices, actually, so my dilemma shouldn't be that bad. Or should it? I have to choose between two: wear something which is 100% me? Or wear something which is just a trial, like a piece that I'm just trying out in my journey to change my fashion sense?

It's more difficult than you think okay!?!?!? I'd love to wear something out of my box, I really do, because it's first impression after all. But what if I'm not comfortable??? I always feel like shit when I'm wearing something for the first time. And what if they look at me and be like, "Ugh, this is just freaking engineering school, what's she dressed up for?" And then time goes on and I start to wear my tshirts again and they'd be like "Okay she's getting more boring."

On the other hand, if I were to wear my tshirt and cardigan tomorrow... Idk. People who know me from the previous semester would be like, "Okay, she's still as boring as ever????" [I know they won't even notice me but damn it, you don't know me okay? It's the freaking anxiety, it's the freaking social anxiety]

Looking at my pile of clothes just intensifies my panic. I HAVE A TON OF TSHIRTS!!!! I ALSO HAVE A TON OF TOPS THAT I HARDLY WEAR!!! WHICH CATEGORY DO I DRAW OUT A PIECE FROM TO WEAR TOMORROW?????? HELP.

.......At least I know I'll be wearing jeans. Yup. That just makes everything soooooooo much easier. :-)

Upcoming flea markets.

Just a short update. If you had read my previous post, the one about flea marketing with the girls, and are keeping an eye out for flea markets like I'd told you to... I've done abit of Googling and I'll have you know that there are flea parties, very much like the one I'd gone to with Farizah and Shushan, every weekend day of October, and every day of November.

The address? Lucky Plaza, Level 6, opposite Jubilee. Nearest MRT is NS22 Orchard, for all I remember.

More other upcoming flea markets can be found here, so you can check it out for yourself. Even better, you can also rent booths and sell your preloved items hehe (;

If you're really on the hunt for super cheap clothes, I encourage you to make your way to these parties. That's if you don't mind secondhand items, and if you don't mind battling crowds. You also have to have the will to rummage through piles of clothes and the patience to wait til something catches your eye. Okay?

I'm gonna go hunt for thrift stores in the West soon, and I'm gonna be blogging about all these shopping stuff for a while, so bear with me.

Flea marketing with the girls!

So I've finally mustered up the courage to blog. I was too engrossed watching Pokemon X/Y gameplays on Youtube! It's the only way to make up for the fact that I can't play the game myself. Ugh. Why did I remind myself of this misery?

Anyway! What am I here for? I am here for you.

I'd spent yesterday hunting down flea markets in town area. Is it town? Idk. I think that's what they call it. I'd like to call it NS22. Though I met Pearl, Farizah and Shushan at NS23... Hmmm I'm not sure, I'm not a town ghost.

I decided to wear some pieces from my makeshift wardrobe that hadn't had opportunity to see the daylight; this tribal top [which I only wanted to wear once the trend has died down] and these wedges boots shit with laces which I bought online for $5. Of course, since I've decided that jeans will be my best friends forever, I paired these with my black skinnies. Walah! An outfit out of my box, yet still in touch with my original taste.

I was still overshadowed though. Pearl came in this white chiffon top with metal-tipped collars, and these burgundy shoes similar to those type that dolls always have on. Overshadowed as always, but it's okay, I still felt like I was glowing in my own shine (':

It was originally supposed to be all 7 of us, and then it went down to 5 because Siying and Sabrina couldn't join us, and then Asleah couldn't make it due to emergency, until it narrowed down to just the 4 of us. Pearl couldn't stay long because she's from La Salle and she has tons of artsy fartsy assignments thrown onto her which had to be completed within tight deadlines.

Our first stop? Scape's flea market. Farizah was looking for phone covers but we also managed to browse around a bit. Damn. Too many stuff that I did want. But of course, they were over my budget. Also, the fact that these pieces are super mainstream. And it also did not help that there were many tops which were perfect, fucking perfect, if it wasn't for the fact that they were fucking cropped.

I was also looking for belts, because I really love the one Shushan lent me, it's so versatile. But she wanted it back so she helped me look for similar pieces. Saw this booth with a few that I considered, but I changed my mind when the China vendor gave this fucking rude treatment to Farizah just because she was trying on the bracelets. She even gave this glare to Farizah and muttered under her breath in Chinese, "I'm watching you ah." I was straightout disgusted [no other word for it] so I didn't go anywhere near there anymore.

Like, dude! Farizah's just a customer. What's so wrong about her trying on your fucking bracelets? Ugh so many things to say but it's okay.

I bought an Ez-link sticker for myself! The cat on it looks so much like my cat best friend, I couldn't resist! Shushan got shoes and Pearl got a top. We walked around once more, but again, I couldn't find anything that was cheap. So we made our way to the next destination.

This guy approached us to do a survey, and I swear I didn't want to. Some months ago I'd been approached by this woman at my school to do a money/savings survey, and she wouldn't stop calling me on my mobile asking to meet up for "further discussions regarding the survey".

Well this guy wouldn't stop tailing us and eventually Pearl gave in. This was when we were planning to take a group photo, and then Farizah suggested asking him to do the honours. Of course, in return, we all had to do the damn survey for him, so I did just that.

Pearl had to go right after, leaving behind me, Farizah, and Shushan. Okay so honestly, all three of us are kind of town noobs... Which way was it to Lucky Plaza? Took us a while to remember. Took us another while to find our way.

Asleah was the one who told us about this flea market, and all my years of knowing Farizah and Shushan, I was actually surprised that they were so enthusiastic! They found so many things they liked, and they were so willing to rummage through the racks and piles, determined to find something they want. It just made me excited about doing that too!

My current fashion hunt is actually for chiffon long-sleeved tops. Found quite a few, branded and for like $3 too, but were too small for me. Most of the booths were super crowded so we didn't bother stopping at those, til I caught sight of a sheer chiffon with long sleeves that had hearts at the cuffs. Aha!

Shushan and Farizah found something they liked from the same booth too, except theirs were for $2 each and mine was for $8. Boohoo. The girl at that booth was friendly though, and she told me that she couldn't find anything to wear with that certain top I bought, and that she hoped I had. I told her I have a tank top that would go with it, and she was so happy to hear!

The hunt continues. Alright so Shushan and Farizah didn't really have anything they were really looking for. They were just browsing, waiting for something to catch their eye. I found this gorgeous leather skirt, and a galaxy skirt both which I actually really liked. But of course, after consideration I didn't get those, and Siying did advise me to get more feminine top pieces instead of bottoms, since I'm dead-set on my skinny jeans.

After more walking and scouring, I finally found another piece that I so needed to get. It's this floral chiffon, with long sleeves and collars. I picked it up immediately and said to the girls, "I want this!" Then I saw a price on its collar, this sticker with $10 written on it. "Aww man, no! It's $10!"

I kept whining about it being $10, until the girl vendors were like, "Oh, everything on this rack is actually $8!" Well... It was still kind of overpriced for me. So I put it back. Shushan and Farizah stayed there to look at other stuff, and I tried to but I couldn't keep my eyes off the floral chiffon!

Well guess what? The girl vendors saw me eyeing it, and one of them spoke up: "Do you want it? I'll give it to you for 6 lah." So I grinned, and I said.................. YES. Tadah! No bargaining required! Just a sad, hopeful look and a cute grin needed!

Shushan and Farizah got more stuff for themselves, and we finally made our way out some time after. We sat by the ledge and compared our loots, and surprisingly they both bought more stuff than I did! A little confession though, if I'd had more money I would definitely have gotten more items. Definitely would have gotten the skirts I mentioned, probably on impulse but hey whatever.

So there you have it. Thrift stores on one day, and flea markets the next. I swear that buying from these are so much more worth than all the stores at the malls. You'd be surprised at what you can find. Some of the pieces are actually still in really good condition; they were probably donated or being sold because they don't fit. Believe the people when they say "One man's trash is another man's treasure".

Of course, I'm not done hunting. As you know, I do love exploring. I really do. I'm gonna try hunting for cheap steals in the West as well, and not to forget the North. For these, I'm not sure who I should ask along, because 'Aamir wouldn't be a good candidate for being, well, a boy. And not all the girls are that willing to travel so far across the country. Probably only Siying is, but she's from Temasek which is not so convenient for her on schooldays. Oh well. I'll see how it goes.

Keep an eye out for flea markets as well. You really would be damn surprised at what you can find, especially if the vendors are girls our age. Those stalls are the best.

I guess I'm done with this post??? Oh damn, I just received a call from yesterday's survey guy, asking to meet too. Well fuck this shit, why am I such an imbecile, leaving my real phone number on that damn piece of paper UGH.

One last day of work tomorrow, and then Hari Raya Haji, and then back to school. Ah, the misery. Well, for now, I'm just gonna continue watching Pokemon X/Y gameplays! Took a break just to write this post. See you tomorrow then, goodbye.

109 black Ecstasy.

I have a reason for this comeback. If it hadn't been for these reasons I wouldn't have bothered showing off my blog again.

Some weeks ago, I blogged that I had read The Perks Of Being A Wallflower, and was also downloading its film onto my laptop. Since my current job is an office job, I had weekends to myself; I spent this particular Saturday watching Wallflower, and the Sunday after that on The Art Of Getting By, a similar teenage kind of film revolving around this guy named George who saw no point of life since it would all lead to death anyway.

Both these movies taught me the same thing: Declare it if you want something. Announce it if you like someone. You got to speak up for your rights, and not just do something that make others happy.

If you don't like someone, tell her instead of letting her self-declare that she's your girlfriend. If someone kisses you although you don't like that person, push him away. If you want to kiss someone, do it, before she leaves for college tomorrow. If you want to declare someone close to you as yours and yours alone, say it, before that douchebag tries to hit on your girl best friend whom you are in love with.

It's not just with love. It's also ambition. I love writing. I've said this so many times, so why do I hide my blog? If I have the balls to announce my love for it, why do I hide it and not show the world what I have, how proud I am of it? And the more I hide it, the more I won't get discovered; someone else will continue stealing the limelight.

And ta-dah! The story that led you to be here, reading this post.

I have a new name for my blog too: Axesii. It's not just Axes II, but it has its own meaning. Axesii: it sounds just like "Ecstasy", which is the trance-like state of being out of touch with ordinary life. The state where you are focused on one object and lose all senses of anything else around it. The heightened state of consciousness, or overwhelming happiness. The word just describes my feeling for writing and blogging! It's perfect!

There you have it. I hope you find me a little cooler now, heheh. I had another day hunting down cheap steals today, but I'll blog about it tomorrow. Fashion is fun, especially since I've discovered what my style really is. Yes, I'll talk all about it in my next post, goodnight.

P.s. you know... You can leave a comment on this post. Try it! You can do it anonymously too, I don't mind. Just tell me what you think of my post, pretty please with an axe to your throat okay?

Thrift-shopping with the best friend!

Hey there!!! I got today off, because the staff have got team-building activities today, which I wasn't part of as I'm just a temporary staff. So where did I decide to go??? Thrift-shopping!

Most thrift shops are closed on weekends, or close really early on weekdays. I wanted to go New2U at Waterloo St today, but then I found out they close at 2.30! A long way before 6pm, which I had mistaken their closing time for. What a waste, since there won't be any other opportunities since they are closed on weekends.

So anyway, since Siying couldn't join us for tomorrow, I decided to just bring her out today. What a waste that we only decided on it last minute, if not we could have made it to Waterloo. But it was alright, because there are so many other thrift stores littered around nearby.

First stop? Woodleigh. A Salvation Army outlet, just exit by Exit B and go up the escalators; you'd see the building right away. It supposedly closes at 5, but upon reaching the doorstep, we saw a sign that said: "We are closing at 4pm today, sorry for the inconvenience."

Well the first thing Siying and I did was ask each other; "What time is it now???" It was three! We had an hour to scour through the racks. No time to browse stuff other than the clothes, which we both like to do.

I found a few pieces that were to my liking, but were too pricey for something from a thrift store. What's more, after topping up my ez-link, I only had nine bucks left. I had to use them wisely!

Siying found a hoodie she really liked, from Cotton On, but it was over her budget as well. In the end she found a sort-of midi skirt for just $5, woohoo! I was also considering buying that, since there were two pieces, but I decided to be patient since we had one more stop. What's more, I repeat: I only had 9 bucks on me!!!

So our next stop: Aljunied. Okay, side story: I told my Aunty about going here, Geylang Lorong 23 to be exact, and the whole house went on rage. She, along with my uncles and granny didn't allow me to go there. Die die I'm not supposed to go anywhere near there. Why? Because it's a dirty place. I don't mean spiritually. I mean prostitute-ly.

Well... I've always been stubborn. I still decided to check that place out. Its address was Number 1, so I presumed that it'd be at the front of the lane and I wouldn't have to go pass by the "dirty" spots right? What's more I've already told my girlfriends that I'd bring them there. So I just wanted to find a quicker way to get to the thrift store without passing by those places.

It's actually easy to find! I've read other blog posts about thrift stores, and every single blogger wrote about this particular one being difficult to find. It's easy; it just took long because Siying and I were misled. You just have to exit by the exit on the left when you tap out at Aljunied [can't remember if it's Exit A or B], and then walk that long lane til you get to the road. Turn right and there's a cross junction, cross twice and then walk til you find the sign for Lorong 23. [pretty hidden] Don't go down the alley of shophouses; go opposite, you'll see a building called "Highpoint Community Services". Walk into the gates and go straight and you'll find "Hi-thrift". Hope this helps, hehe.

So this was where I found my stuff. The first thing I spotted was this robot printed collared top, only for three bucks! I immediately put it into the basket the uncle had given me. Browsed through the racks of course; for thrift stores, you really have to be patient. You have to scour through literally each piece on the racks if you really want to find something you like.

Oh, Siying and I reached out for the robot top at the same time! And she was also the one who found the next piece to my liking; this white sheer batwing top. Similar to the one I had tried on at her place a long time ago, the one which she had given her sister, except that was black. Well, white will be white, so I put it into my basket as well. Score!

I couldn't find any books I wanted [which is a fucking RARITY!!!!!! But maybe because this man was blocking me and hogging the entire bookshelf and I just didn't want to bother], but a fact you should know, all books are going at $1. Heheheheh. There were also  many cute skirts I wanted!!! But after consideration I didn't add them to my basket. I just couldn't. No. )':

And that was that. The end of our thrift-shopping adventure. I still have deep regrets for mistaking New2U's closing time as 6pm!!! I still regret not meeting Siying earlier so we could make it to Waterloo today!! UGH!!! Oh well. I still had an awesome time with her looking for and through the stores. We also managed to chat for a while at Ananas about the little things in our lives.

I'll go thrift hunting again soon, and I might want to write my own post about this. That's when I get my pay hehe. Monday's my last day of work! I'm gonna miss Kat. She's one of those few people who can laugh and make lame jokes all day no matter how tired she is from working.

There's also no school and work on Tuesday since it's a public holiday. Yay! But also nay, because all the thrift stores are gonna be closed, and New2U has these daily promotions, and it happens to be "half-price for all students" every Tuesday. What a pity. But I'll definitely find a way alright!

My next aim is also Praisehaven, a Salvation Army outlet at Bukit Timah. That's damn near my school, and I've also seen it when I was on a bus to Woodlands. So yea!

Talk to you soon. My apologies for posting zero pictures; if you're new to my blog, I've made a pact never to post photos here because I'm deadset on having my words read, that's all. You can follow me on Instagram @ _109th though, if you already haven't (; Goodnight.

Lost.

I honestly don't think I deserve a spot in life anymore. What does my existence bring? Show too much and you'll be pushed away. Show too little and you'll be ignored. What does everyone want from me?

I was arrogant. I changed when I met you. You changed me. It's tough for me to even open up to someone. You don't appreciate that I talk to you and not other people? It's so difficult to spill my thoughts to someone. And when I managed to do so with you, you push me away.

Aunty and granny don't seem to love me anymore either. The only thing at home I look forward to is my cat best friend.

Nevermind. I have so much to say to you right now but I know you won't hear me out. You called me over attached when you're the one person in the world I talk to about my every thought. Why did you say that??? It hurts. My throat swells when I think about it, like how it hurts when you're holding in your tears.

I have so much more to write right now but I won't. There's no point. If you don't have time to hear out what I have to say, what makes me think that you'll read my thoughts?

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I'm going to be a writer.

I don't envy those girls who are popular on Twitter or Instagram for being pretty. In fact, I dare say I pity them. What are you known for right now? Looks?

What if one day you discover your true talent so you decide to show off to the world, and everyone claps for you but only because they're blinded by the fact that you're pretty. Are they really applauding what you showed for them to applaud to?

It's pretty much like how rich girls have no idea who their true friends are, and who are only sticking with them for the treats.

I'm glad I'm not a "popular" person. I really am. Okay, it's different if people know you by your talent first; if people find me to be actually pretty after reading all I write, fine. It's way better than people reading my blog just because they find me pretty.

I really don't understand today's society, especially in my country. I wish I can change it. People are getting famous because of their tweets? Their selfies? Their sense of fashion? Their attempts at seeking attention? It's all messed up. Where are the teenagers who have got real talent?

Overshadowed by these idiots. Sigh.

I'm gonna keep writing. I've toyed with the idea of posting pictures here, but I've decided to just toss that. It's perfectly fine. I'm still not sure how my blog is gonna get famous in Singapore if it ever will, but I'm gonna keep trying. Doing my best.

This aside, I've discovered a thrift shop a few blocks away. I'm just gonna take a peek and see what I can find. "Since when are you into fashion?", the prince had asked. Truth be told, ever since I was half my current age.

I've also been wanting to make videos again. There're just too many songs to make music videos to! I'll see if I have the resources for that, but until then, I'll keep writing. Writing will always be my priority, my first love. This is what I truly want to be known for, above all else.

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The wife with a million moodswings.

Hi. My apologies because I rarely do this, but I'm gonna start ranting about the same issue as my previous post. Because apparently there is a part 2 to this annoying story.

Okay, so in the end, I decided to meet the Carousellers on my own. After I wrote yesterday's post, I really felt so much better. So I told the prince, Hey it's fine, I can meet them alone today, no worries. He told me to take care of myself but I was still a bit flamed so I said to him, "No please don't talk to me." and he went last seen on me three minutes after that text. So I presumed he was taking my condition for real.

Very well then. So, I gave him what he wanted didn't I? He wanted to stay home, I let him. Shouldn't he be happy? The entire day yesterday, I was out and about around Serangoon, Bishan, and Woodlands. The whole time, I didn't get any texts from him. So I was like, "Wow he's really taking me seriously." or maybe he was just taking his rest. Or maybe he just wasn't bothered to worry about my whereabouts.

So my phone's battery died, and knowing that he wouldn't text me anyway, I just let it die. By the time I got home I was so tired that I showered and fell asleep, up to this morning when I woke up like an hour ago. What texts did I receive from him overnight? Oh, if you're not gonna reply me I think you might as well not reply me forever blablabla maybe we should just take a break blablabla. Ehrm... Okay...?

So I told him what happened, like, Hey my battery died and I'm charging it now. He was like, Oh, so I asked him "Aren't you gonna ask how my day went yesterday?" cause that's what he always does. His response?: "Pointless."

I'm like, Whaaaaaaat? What's the problem with him now? Didn't I let him do what he want? Didn't I let him stay home and get his rest? What's he so unhappy about right now? And here I am trying to be nice but he's there like answering one words, like fuuuuck. What the hell do you want??? What are you so riled up about right now??? Boyfriends can be absolute bitches sometimes I swear.

Yes, I too am still upset about the fact that I spent my Saturday alone when it should have been with him. But I'm trying to let it go. And you know that I'm the one who should be upset right now because of yesterday, but here I am having to comfort you. That's the problem with you. You twist the whole scenario around and I'm always the one having to cheer you up when I'm the one who was initially upset.

And dude, I fucking asked what's wrong with you now. The least you could do is tell me instead of just giving me shit responses? And now you're telling me to shut up. Oh, "I hate you" you say. Woooooow. I really don't understand you. I really don't. But freaking stop it. Just, stop.

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