Beyond saving.

I will never forget how you both kept hitting me without listening to me first.

I recall how she always hit me with a hanger, and he with his belt. ...Oh, i was the one who got him that belt for his 45th birthday.

It was unfair. Not only were they never there for me, but they never tried to listen to me when i had problems. Oh he said i could go to him if i had problems. So i told him. All he could do was hit me.

"Patut ah, tak belajar, selama ni kau keluar dengan jantan!" i remember his words, shouted from my bedroom door. As i laid on the bed clutching my stomach.. "Kalau dapat itu jantan aku rembat habis ah."

I didnt want to go to school because it was getting pointless.. He didnt listen to what i had to say. He only presumed that i was losing interest in my studies. What did he know.. He never looked behind the bedroom door.

All he cared was the competition between him and his many siblings. It was obvious from the very start. He kept pressuring me to go Jc. Mommy told me it was because.. If i did, i'd be the first among his brothers and sisters' children to have made it.

I dropped art on purpose so i'd only have 5 subjects. So i wouldnt have enough subjects to go to Jc. It was a rash decision but at that time i really didnt know what else to do..

Do you still remember..? When he thought i was being cocky just because i was taking O levels. "Dia ingat dia O levels je dia dah boleh pijak kepala kita." what did he know.. He didnt know i was way behind my classmates and i was aware of that.. THATS why i wanted to study so bad.. Is that "cocky"..?

And she.. When she carried me in her stomach did we not create any bond? Why does she understand my brothers but never me? I thought she would dote on me the most because i was a girl. She used to call me her "sweetheart darling honey".. And her nickname for me: "Nure'in". When was the last time she called me that in her affectionate tone? Is it just a childhood thing?

Why did she like to hit me? Why did she enjoy insulting me? Why did she give her attention only to her sons and not me? Why did she not notice that i was cutting? Was the blood all over the sleeve of my uniform not enough?

17 years, they raised me.. Was that not enough to notice if there was anything wrong with me?

Why did my elder brother received help and their attention when he already announced wanting to drop out of school? Why was my younger brother immediately sent to the hospital whenever he had a high fever?

Why was i shunned when i made it to Sec 5, an O levels year? Why was i not bothered with when i was sick, presumed to be pretending so i could skip school?

I never understood why they always came searching for me when i ran away in rebellion to their negligence. Like i used to say; "dont bring home an injured cat if you've no idea how to treat it."

They should be happier now. They have one less mouth to feed. A useless girl out of the family. A ghost out of that God-damned house.

I still dont understand why they hated me so much.

But it's okay. They dont own me anymore. I'm just an injured cat. They're sending me away, my aunt's place is like a vet, take care of me and heal me, or put me to sleep for all they care, so they can say "It really was beyond saving already."

I am beyond saving.

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Crappy quotes.

You know writing is all i have.

It's what i've ALWAYS had.

It was my friend in primary school. It was my solace in solitude. It was my pride and joy.

I dont mind getting criticised for everything else in this world; my lack of looks, my lack of intelligence, my lack of musical ability, my lack of athletic ability.

I dont mind being looked down upon for not being good in certain things.

So dont ever hinder me for the ONLY thing in this god-damned universe that i AM good at.

Writing is all that i have.

It's all i fucking have. Get that into your head.

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Not too much cheese or he'll puke.

now that i've a boyfriend, i havent been blogging about intelligent stuff much. all i can talk about here is how wonderful our dates are and how incredible our time spent together is. 

that's so cheesy. 

i still remember what was 'Aamir's Twitter bio when we first met, up to this day. i like cheesy jokes but not too much cheese cause it makes me puke. 

so this boy was supposed to work but he fell sick his first day on the job and the lady boss told me to send him home, one hour after he started. so i did. and he puked a lot!

you know how in Pokemon contests the trainers make their Pokemon combine their attacks to create something new, something for presentation. well 'Aamir combined Waterfall and Mud Sport and let it flow through to the toilet bowl, letting me be the judge of that show. 

ok that was a silly metaphor. 

took 969 from Tampines to the other end, Woodlands, and he was already wrapped up in my hoodie but he was still shivering, the poor boy. 

i felt bad for being unable to send him all the way home; he lives in Johore after all. 

i'd spent another whole day with him again the other day. we met in the North, Marsiling to be exact, at 8 in the morning because he wanted to go for a run. 

got some soya milk thing which we drank while walking to Woodlands Sports complex, and halfway i already wanted to surrender. 

"can i not run?" i kept asking. and each time he answered with a frustrated look which said don't you dare back out on me. 

upon arriving at the sports complex he made me change into his tshirt and shorts and his first reaction was "so cute!!" stuffed our phones and wallets into the locker and walked out to the field, and yes, my Axes. i ran, ok? i really did! without stopping! 

i ran 1/6 of the number of rounds 'Aamir ran. 

and 'Aamir ran 6 rounds. 

he could really run, and i'm surprised at that! really. 

so we separated to our respective changing rooms and i was done with cleaning myself up so i went over to the guys'. the whole lane was deserted so i just stood there by the door, and there he was, checking himself out in the mirror and adjusting his hair. 

i was just staring at him, thinking how cute he was when he turned, saw me, and jerked hard, exclaiming "HO! MAK KAU TERKEJUT!"

i swear i did not mean to scare him at all, but his reaction was priceless!!! you should have seen how he jerked in shock! i should have recorded that shit, damn it! i couldnt help giggling each time i remembered, and up til now it makes me giggle in memory. 

we explored the purple line mostly, first we headed to Hougang where i collected something i bought online; these keychains of Red's and Pikachu's sprites; gave the latter to 'Aamir. 

our last stop was Serangoon where we took a walk through Nex and sat at the library a while. by then it was 6 in the evening and we decided to go one last stop; Cotton On. 

i made him try on some of the "2 for $30" printed tees at the guys section, and when he showed me he had this proud grin on his face as he declared "i like it!" 

and then he exclaimed, "i like this shop! why havent i came in here before!?" with that smile of his and the lines at the corners of his mouth. too adorable.

headed to the Mrt station and took the Circle Line to Bishan, where we took the red line to Choa Chu Kang. and that was when we parted. 

days with 'Aamir are the best. 

when i'm with him i don't need to be anywhere else.

the time spent with him i'll always remember. 

even years down the road; this i assure. 

ok, too cheesy. wouldn't want the boy to combine his Waterfall and Mud Sport again. 

If they could read this now.

Now playing: The Script - If You Could See Me Now

The man called Father. And the woman called Mother. The two most important people who contributed significantly to our existence.

Did that give them a right to take my life as their own? Is it right for them to have expectations of me, to be proud of me or disappointed with me. Did they have the right?

My parents practically tossed me aside during my critical period back in 2012. Why? Because i disappointed them. Because i wasnt making them happy. So they decide; "i dont regard her as mine anymore."

If they could just abandon me during my failures, why should i regard them during my success?

Mommy locked me out of the house when i came back late from a study session. She vented her anger on me in the middle of my exam period.

Yet she had the guts to come over to my aunt's place, where i was living, and demand my O levels results slip.

Daddy was always working and didnt understand modern things. He did not understand that i needed friends and that i could not be alone anymore. He kicked me out when i stayed up overnight with my classmates.

Right. You're gonna say they're still my parents no matter what, and that they gave birth and raised me all my past 17 years. And that yes, i was young and stupid and wrong.

You know how tongues wag; "her parents didnt raise her properly", if eyes see an attitudinal teenager. Yes, it is true. My parents never raised me right. They did went wrong somewhere.

I just dont know where.

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The ginger cat's lullaby.

Buai laju-laju
Sampai hari petang.
Orang banyak lalu
Ginger tinggal seorang.

A song which my grandma sings to lullaby our ginger cat to sleep. It obviously has another meaning to it. One which describes me and my entire life thus far.

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I made a promise i will not fulfill.

"sit down. I need to talk to you."

I let go of the swing that Halia is lying in and turn to face my aunt. She turns off the radio as i take a seat by the dining table, legs up as usual.

When all is silent apart from the creak from Halia's swing, my aunt says; "do we give you any problems E'indah?" in that gentle-and-threatening-at-the-same-time tone. You know, the tone which makes you unsure of what it is you have to answer.

I shake my head.

"let me ask you then: what time did you work yesterday?"

"8 to 8 something."

It is a lie. But she can't know that. I've promised not to tell.

"why did you lie to us E'indah?" she asks again, expression unchanged. "you were 'sick' yesterday were you? You had yesterday off right?"

"I was supposed to work. But she gave me a day off."

"So why didn't you come home then?", to which i kept quiet.

She tells me how she had gone to talk to my lady boss at my workplace, how she had been told that i had the day off because i was apparently sick.

"Why did you lie to us E'indah? Do you know," her tone increases menacingly, "that the people i hate most are liars?"

She tells me how she used to beat her son up for lying.

I recall the times my own mother beat me for other little reasons. For anything but lying.

Whatever my aunt says after that recollection becomes a blur.

"i didnt want to tell your grandma but i had to. I dont want to keep things from her."

"do you really want to drive us to our graves quicker?"

"i went through all the time and trouble to take care of her health and you want to destroy my effort?"

"why do you like to be alone?"

"this house is not the same as your previous house where nobody cares. This is your home now and everyone here loves you so much."

"do you really want to prove your parents right when they told us about the insolent devil that they think you are?"

She tells me to apologise but my refusal comes in the form of ignorance and silence.

My grandmother comes in and my aunt says; "take her hand and kiss it, and say sorry. Promise you wont do it again. Please."

I still refuse to the point of her increasing her voice. I cant help getting scared... And i do as i was told.

Tears are sliding down my cheeks as much as i am trying not to cry. Strange how tears are a sign of your weakness yet they are always winning over whatever strength you have in you.

"do you ever want to go back to your house E'indah?"

I gather the strength to say: "Never."

Help; not punishment.

What happens when you find the body of a dead child in the playground? What would you do if the one guilty is none other than another child, not much older than the deceased?

What if he had no valid reason for the murder? What if it WAS intentional, and that he really is a violent child? Would you declare him guilty in court?

You do. You declare him guilty of murder. You lock him in juvenile detention, where he wastes his time away as punishment for his crime. Where he is exposed to other dangers, other kinds of pain; for what he had done to another boy.

But halt. This child, this murderer, has gone through more than you think. He has gone through more violence than you can imagine. His mother's boyfriends abused her, after she killed his father ruthlessly in front of his very eyes.

Does this boy deserve to be charged guilty of murder?

When a child commits murder, what he needs is not punishment; but help.

Think about it. And not only in the literal sense.

You dont leave someone because she's not religious. You stay with her and show her what's right and wrong. You know how stubborn she is; like every little boy who's seen more violence than he should.

But if you really want to help her,... If you really love her; would you not stay and hold her hand throughout her repent? 

When a child commits murder, what he needs is help, not punishment.

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Two months together.

i'm really sleepy right now actually, but i shall blog because 'Aamir was just complaining to me about my lack of updates here. i haven't been writing in my diary too, believe it or not, because i've been either too busy working or too tired from working.

i got drunk at work yesterday and i got terrible scoldings from the lady boss about every single thing i did or didn't do. she decided to give me a half day today, seeing how tired i looked.

took a train to Bugis and i sat on its platform, watching the many trains pass to and fro. when the millionth train heading to JooKoon was nearly leaving, a hand grabbed my arm and i was pulled towards the doors, just in time, as they closed behind me.

"hey," he said; a boy named 'Aamir.

he gave me my hat, which i had entrusted upon him a few weeks back because he said he wanted to personally handwash it. in return i gave him the earpiece i had bought for him, a beautiful red and black Sony which he initially refused to accept.

he did eventually, and i watched our reflection as he leaned in to kiss my cheek.

we had lunch at a Wendy's at Orchard, where it was freezing! even his hoodie [mine actually, since i was the one who gave it to him] wasn't enough. what's more he ordered ice-cream for whatever reason, the damn barrel. [although i can't deny that it was delicious]

our initial plan of seeing each other was to head to Bishan, so we did. the first thing we looked for was The Wallet Shop, because 'Aamir had lost his. stood in there for quite some time before picking out one which really described him!

we walked around some more but there were really no bags that caught my eye. he pulled me to Royal Sporting House where there were a few pink ones, which he kept persuading me to get.

i kept wandering off to Artbox and Popular to look at the notebooks and books, but he dragged me to the arcade; the more i resisted, the harder he pulled.

we played Silent Hill first, familiar because i'd watched our Pewds play it. that one was awesome til we got to the point where we both died.

i've never really liked arcades but it was really fun, i have to admit.

and so... he pulled me to RSH once more and tried to coax me into buying the backpack he'd pointed out earlier. knowing i liked pink, he picked it out for me and told me to try it. i told him i do like pink, but it doesn't suit me. and so didn't the other colours.

"what about blue?" he asked, already looking tired. then his face lit up; "it's the colour of your Squirtle!"

and that was enough reason for me to get the blue one.

sat aside to change backpacks, removed all the rubbish and transferred the shit that i still use. 'Aamir hung my Squirtle and Pikachu together, and it pissed me off because 1. now Squirtle doesn't stand out because my bag is blue as well 2. Water-type and Electric-type?? are you kidding me? Pikachu is gonna kill my Squirtle.

he sang for me some One Direction songs, knowing how much it annoys me.

walked to the mosque, where he did his Maghrib prayers with a bunch of others. i sat at the bus stop watching, and i couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes in memory of the fact that i've never done that all my life.

walked to Bishan Mrt station talking about the least important things in our lives, and that was when we realised the date.

"it's our monthsary!!!" he exclaimed.

it's been two months since we got together. and i never realised how that time has passed so quickly.

we parted with our earpieces dangling down our fronts, his new wallet in his pocket and my new backpack hanging from my shoulders. along with a slight grin at the corner of my mouth.

and that, my Axes, was how i had spent my second monthsary with none other than 'Aamir.

[just so you know i rarely give a shit about monthsaries.]

but he's such an adorable boy and i can't help it.

Tertiary education worries.

how long have i not blogged? it's been nearly a month or so; that's long compared to the past where i'd find time to blog every single day.

it's March now; that was quick. i could have sworn it was just December yesterday. 

i've said this many times: this is 2013. i'm happy with the way things are, namely my residence in Guillemard and my relationship with 'Aamir Kamsari. 

i didn't have them in 2011 because i had other people to call my "family" and "boyfriend". i didn't have them in 2012 because i was hell bent on my solitude, believing in my misanthropy. \

i don't want things to ever change, but i know that's not possible. this happiness will only last for a while, and i can't deny that. i have to accept it. 

anyway, it's a month or so away from the start to my tertiary education. i still can't believe it; having gone through my O levels: that still feels like a dream. 

the new school year in a new school stirs worry for three things: the school fees, the mutual trust between 'Aamir and i, and my social awkwardness. 

just a few days ago, my aunt and uncle were talking about heading to this organisation to legalise my aunt as my guardian. my parents are not gonna be responsible for my school fees anymore; and it's impossible to have me pay for them on my own.

my lady boss has talked to me and she told me how many China girls have been waiting to get a job at the bakery. she said she was keeping a spot for me on Sunday mornings and holidays once school starts because she knows how i need the money. 

we all know how my previous boyfriend had left me a little after his first year in ITE started. maybe it was because he didn't have time for me anymore, maybe because it was another girl, maybe because he just wanted to focus on his studies. 

'Aamir and i are going separate ways, two different schools; i know 'Aamir will definitely look at other girls. but i don't want any particular one to get too close to him. 

i know it sounds silly, but i really don't want that to happen, no matter how little time we both have for each other in the future. yes, i'm being a silly girl right now. but you can't blame me. not when you have a really cute and funny guy as your boyfriend. 

ah... my social awkwardness. my good old social awkwardness. who would forget my first job where i didn't talk to anyone unless they talked to me; or my cousin's wedding dinner where i sat alone in the corner watching everyone socialise with each other, ignoring my presence?

first day of tertiary school is not the same as back in secondary 1 where everyone was all friendly faces. now i'm facing a judgmental society where one wrong move leads to a thousand wrong first impressions. 

i don't want to care about it, but i have to. because i don't want my tertiary years to end up like my sec 5 year, where i didn't get to focus on my studies just because i didn't have any friends to confidently interact with during lessons. 

yes, i can't deny that i didn't like being alone in school. i have to do my best to make friends in the poly life; to be myself; but not to the extent that would make people dislike me. 

we all know that my "true" self is a very unpopular person. 

it's a long road ahead of me, and i have to change the way i see things. if not, this ride is gonna be uncomfortably bumpy.

am i aware? yes. am i prepared? yes. but am i ready? no. 

A sage for this relationship.

You've got to admit; he's an adorable boy isn't he?

Had gone to the airport with 'Aamir again today. I used to keep track of the number of times we meet, but i've lost count now; we've been seeing each other so much, and i don't give a shit about the number of meetings anymore.

"Love" is an understatement. After my past: the infinite "I love you"s i'd told my exes, members of the clique i used to be in, my parents; "love" is an insult when it comes to my feelings for 'Aamir.

I've been fond of him since the day we first met at the airport. I liked him more and more with each meeting. It was not love. It was never love. It was... Flowery.

Like how every flower has its meaning attached to it: hazels for reconciliation, daisy for innocence, and the most common of knowledge, red rose for love.

Every meeting of ours, every compliment we give each other, every argument we ignore each other for. There were reasons for all that; the hidden meaning each one holds.

My feelings for him is not "love". My feelings for him are liatris, daphne, pink carnation, chrysanthemum. And plenty of others. Our relationship is not just hearts but flowers as well.

Because every little thing that happens, no matter how small it seems to the ones who aren't part of the passion; holds a meaning behind it. It's not just "i care for you because i love you", or "i fight for you because i love you" anymore.

Instead, it's "i want you to fight for yourself because i know you are strong."

A sage for this relationship; and for me, and for you. Insha Allah.

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This is 2013.

so it's been a month since 'Aamir and i got together; a month since the day we first met at the airport. and about two since he followed me on Twitter and gave me a bad first impression.

i never thought i would ever meet someone like 'Aamir. in the past, when i was with Irshad and still brooding over him, i told myself so many times that i would never find someone like him.

people were telling me it's because i'd meet someone who is better than him. i kept shaking my head in denial, believing with all my heart that there would never be anyone funnier, or cuter, or braver, or stronger, than he was.

but here i am. with a boy named 'Aamir.

we've not known each other for long, but it feels like we've known each other, and only each other, all our lives.

as much as i'm happy with the fact that we're always talking about our future like we have a clue; a part of me tells me that it's not because we love each other that makes me want to spend the rest of my life with him.

just like the dreams i have at night, or the inference questions we used to do in Social Studies; the lesser i know, the more possibilities there are. that's why i keep thinking that 'Aamir and i can be together as long as i want to: because we don't know shit about each other.

i can't deny that this boy was one of the faces i had seen when i was going blind, one of the hands who had grabbed me when i was falling off the cliff of hardships. and as each day passes, he's always saving me from all kinds of abysses which i force myself to drown in.

but i feel like i still have a lot to learn about him. and vice versa. how would he react if he sees how ugly i really am? what would his response be to the stories of my past, of my inhumane thoughts, of the craziness that lay beneath my hat?

was being excited on the North South Line again yesterday [had accidentally referred to the Red line as North East in my previous entries], especially my personal favourite; Yio Chu Kang to Khatib. at one point of time, it did feel like an aeroplane, when one side went a little higher than the other! nevermind.

i'd arrived right on time, two minutes after the designated time that 'Aamir and i were supposed to meet. took a walk through Causeway Point to the other side, observing the people whom i called "Northern".

i felt so foreign there. i'm not sure how to describe it but there was something that distinguished the girls on the North side from the girls back home in the East. forgive this exaggeration, o fuck it.

upon our union, the first thing 'Aamir wanted was a posb machine, which we went to the basement to look for. i got excited when i saw The Icing Room, and he did too, knowing how i'd gotten addicted to its puffs a few days before.

i bought two of the chocolate ones and gave him a try, to get him a little addicted to it as well. bumped into Famous Amos next, and i'd wanted to buy some too but decided not to.

we settled for sushi and black pepper chicken from Cold Storage though, and were looking for beverage stores like Gongcha or Each A Cup [me snapping at him, "how could you not know anything, this is your turf."] when he pointed out a Sweettalk right in front of us.

"you ah, cari dengan hidung.", said he.

'Aamir brought me to this place called Woodlands Town Garden, where there was a huge canal which he had shown me in a video once.

it had a nice view, in the humble opinion of a jakonist. trains were passing to and fro, and there were nothing but sky and trees; in comparison to my past where i mostly looked at only the sea.

 he sat on the brick ledge with me against it, propped between his knees, and we sang to the songs he was playing on his phone. it started to drizzle but we stayed there til it stopped.

the currents of the water flowing in the canal were really strong, and it reminded me of Heavy Rain where the Origami Killer's brother died beneath the bridge. i tried to cross it, the bridge in reality, but i didn't have the courage, though 'Aamir had managed to leapt across the raging current.

we walked some more, til we got to this really dark and deserted lane where i decided to roam ahead while 'Aamir wasn't noticing. by the time he saw that i wasn't by his side anymore, i was already by a corner which i turned after looking at him for a sec when he called out to me from afar.

i heard him running, his footsteps echoing down the hallway, and i decided to pick up speed as well. i knew it would piss him off, but i just hid behind a wall and watched him frantically looking for me.

when i finally went to where he was, he had his back toward me as he withdrew some cash from the posb machine, and i stood there looking as innocent as i could. he saw me and asked, "where did you go???" to which i answered, "i was waiting for you?", pretending that game of hide-and-seek hadn't happened at all.

had a really quick bite at the side of the road, stuff that we bought from 7-11, gulped down with a bottle of caramel latte or whatever the hell that was, before making our way to the mosque.

okay, fine, so i just waited outside while he went and did his Asar prayers. while waiting for Maghrib, i told him a little about my childhood, and, it seemed that this story made things a lot clearer for him.

it did otherwise for me; i started to cry and my vision was blurred.

he did his Maghrib prayers before we took the bus to Marsiling station where we took a train back to Paya Lebar. we watched PewDiePie and i really could not help laughing!

so honestly, as much as i had wanted 'Aamir to meet my cats, i was so doubtful in letting him see the condition of my house.

i watched him look around the living room and i could tell he was already judging, so i shoved the cats under his nose and forced interaction between them.

funnily though, all of them took an immediate dislike towards him [Tilda and Snowball immediately ran to the storeroom while Halia and Tanda wouldn't stop hissing at him] except for none other than Zorro, who kept sniffing and following 'Aamir around.

i can't forget the image of''Aamir dancing in front of the storeroom while the cats were staring at him with this O.O look on their faces! oh 'Aamir. oh cats.

brought him to my room where he looked around again, and told him this was where i slept. he looked stunned for a moment, before saying quietly, "i feel... sad."

i answered; "this is my home."

he snatched my hat off my head, and announced, "okay, come. we solat Isyak together. i teach you how to take wudhu first." and he did.

it looked so beautiful, us standing with the sejadah laid underneath his feet, me with this doubtful look on my face and him looking serious as he taught me the positions and prayers. i mimicked him as he recited the latter, until i was sure i wouldn't forget.

after all that, though, we lied down on my mattress; my makeshift bed, arms tucked by our sides and eyes out the closed and dusty window.

i told him about the night when the line between the parallel worlds were blurred; when i woke up to see that i was back at Pasir Ris, thinking that my residence at Guilley was just a dream... right before i woke up yet again to find myself back at Guilley for real.

sent him off at 11, and when he finally got a cab, he stood by the open door and stared at me with this sorrowful look in his eyes.

i looked away. and he was gone.

i stayed there sitting on the railings, and i don't know how long i sat, as i didn't have my phone or watch to keep track of the time. i watched the world pass, humans on bicycles and cars honking at jaywalkers, the occasional crow sitting near me. tears down my cheeks and arms shivering as they struggle to give my shoulders support.

every morning, there'd be this guy at the petrol station who would cheer at me; "good morniiiing!" and every morning, i would just ignore him. but last night, when he saw me, he announced just as cheerfully like he always did, "good morniiiing!" despite it being almost midnight.

i couldn't help it, i had to look at him and smile, and he laughed. the other guy waved at me and asked for my number and a phone call, to which i refused with a shake of my head and a grin. as i walked towards my home, he stood up and yelled out, "at least tell me your name!"

i didn't. because it's contradictory of what i really am.

____

i need to start anew. all that had happened in the past, yes, all that led me to where i am today. and i'm happy being here.

my aunt has saved me from the abuse and lack of gratitude from my parents.

my granny has saved me from the negligence of my brothers.

'Aamir has saved me from the heartache caused by an ex boyfriend.

and God has saved me from the hover of razorblades above my shoulder.

these are all my saviours, people whom i'd long tried to push away, but still continued to hold on to me. all that's left is for me to save myself.

i still need to let go. my time of hardships, my struggles, the pain i had inflicted upon myself; that was 2012. the happiness of being with seven girl best friends, outings with all five family members together, dates with an amazing boyfriend; that was 2011.

i am a month late in realising this; but this is 2013.

letting go is a task that was long due. i shall do my best, to fulfill this beginning now.

My Lunar New Year Eve.

it feels good not having to wake up at 6 in the morning today! it feels good not having to go work on a Sunday!

here i reside, once again in solitude, but not at that house. instead, i am at my new home, alone here for the first time ever. had just spent one lonely night without my grandma and uncles in the house. at least i had the cats.

this is how my Lunar New Year Eve had gone.

2013 is the year of the snake. or as i'd like to say: the year of the ekans.

i woke up at 4 in the morning and was reading through my old conversations with 'Aamir when all the cats suddenly came into the room. Tilda stood next to me but i didn't see anything amiss because that's what she always does.

i saw that she was pawing at something that looked like a leaf, right by my head, and i started fingering at it when it moved out of my touch. i turned on the light, suspicions arising, and fuck me, just as i thought: it was a cockroach. and it was right at my face.

woke up for work unusually sleepy, and i didn't want to get up til Tilda had to come in and keep slapping her paw on my face before i could. it was a half day because the shop was closing at 1.

i was reaching Pasir Ris when Shushan called asking how to unlock the shop; not only that, but she didn't know how to pull the shutters up too.

whenever i push the shutters up, i don't use that stick thingy to do so, because it is for pussies.

by the time i arrived, Shushan had already managed to open shop, but it was quite a sight to see her washing the trays in the dark. she didn't know how to turn on the lights! it was unusually stuffy too; she hadn't turned on the air-con.

set things right before setting my backpack down and getting to work. Shushan washed all the shit while i cleaned the glass and counters and whatever else that needed the scrub.

i believe, for that few hours, i'd found an obsession in cleaning. and i found a new best friend that i brought with me everywhere: Cif.

honestly, i find my workplace a bit too hazardous for a bakery. i've been cutting and bruising and burning myself by accident a lot at work. i did too, yesterday, despite not doing much and just cleaning here and there.

the glass had lost balance off its hooks and dropped a few inches down, its edge glazing across the skin of my hand. if it hadn't been for my hand, the glass would have chipped, or shattered even. but if the impact had been a bit more, my hand would have been injured as fuck. idk which'd've been worse.

i was cleaning and cleaning, again and again, at whatever surfaces i could find. and while Shushan stood there literally staring at customers, i bent down to clean the drawers and underneath the counter. i was... addicted... to cleaning.

Boss came with nasi lemak for us, which he had passed to Shushan without a word. he went to the toilet afterwards and the two of us were debating whether we should eat it or not.

are you sure he bought this for us? what if not? but what if it is? wouldn't it be stupid if he comes out of the toilet to see that we still haven't touched it? *pokes styrofoam box with one finger*

working with Shushan was really fun. there were a lot of orders which customers were coming in to collect, and the receipts pasted on the plastic bags were to make things easier for us; so we could easily see which belonged to who.

we were supposed to collect back these receipts, not give to the customers; Shushan had forgotten to retrieve the one from the customer she served, and i scolded her to chase after him, which she did, all the way. that was amusing!

came a time when i went and gave another customer his orders, and i happily sent him off his way, when Shushan exclaimed; "receipt!" she yelled at me to chase after him, which i did, all the way, and boy was that quite a work-out!

when i came back Shushan was serving some other customers with this really stupid smile on her face. she was controlling her laughter, and so was i; though i surrendered to it and released it right there in front of them all.

so i was once again wiping my clothes across the countertop when Boss came out with two red packets in his hand and a smile on his face, both of which was passed on to mine.

he told us we could leave already, and i wished him Happy New Year while he went out to the freezer and gave us ICE-CREAM!!!!1

so Boss closed up shop and, eating our corn [me] and red bean ice-cream, Shushan and i made our way to Shengsiong where i met one of the bakery's regular customers. he was always coming to buy bread and always requesting, "ehrm no need plastic bag."

he was already looking at me when i saw him, and we grinned at each other upon recognition. he was at the counter i'd gone to, and was about to put our liquor into a plastic bag when i teased him; "ehrm no need plastic bag.", and he laughed.

headed to Shushan's place where i announced to her family xin nian kuai le or how it's supposed to be spelt. that was when we realised; "we forgot to clock out!"

"yeah lah, you see nasi lemak, see hongbao, see ice-cream, all forget already." said Shushan.

she had opened hers and said she only received ten bucks. we jokingly said that mine would probably be twenty, and when i took a peek into mine, i exclaimed, "twenty!"

she made vulgar sign with her hands to which i responded with a mock shock face. removed the notes from my red packet and showed her, and she got so worked up over it!

followed her to Tampines where she bought two pairs of shoes from Rubi. while i waited for her to pay for her purchases, i sat there watching all the girls around me.

all the girls were dressed with a thought, while there i sat with whatever i found just tossed over my head with a pair of torn jeans.

they had hair which was shiny and combed and coloured, pulled back to show their eyes while there i was with mine tangled and black, all over my face with loose strands down my back.

they had nice pairs of shoes, gleaming and new, and still buying new pairs, while there i stood in my tattered ones, once dusty and forgotten at the back of my cupboard.

these thoughts left me feeling small. those girls would have looked at me, envious of my height, but at that moment, i felt i was the smallest one of them all.

went to the basement of Tampines One where i got myself milk tea and puffs from The Icing Room. they were delicious! i'm in love with them now.

so i was telling Shushan how 'Aamir has always been showing me off to his friends while i hadn't been because i didn't have any, and then i got an idea. since Shushan is one of the only friends i have, why not introduce them both?

made my way home where i caught my granny and uncles just in time before they went off for Taman Anggerik. gran repeated everything she had told me before; turn off the gas, switch fans before sleeping, feed the cats, shower before heading to bed.

and that was that. i had the next three days all to myself.

today was boring, though i managed to finally catch up on PewDiePie. have made plans with 'Aamir for tomorrow, had thought of spending time with him here today but he couldn't make it. can't wait to see him then!

have been watching Pokemon Black and White and boy did i have a lot to complain about.

i'm gonna visit the Tanjong Katong flower market soon. maybe Heath for solitude or the common thistle for mistrust of humankind.

Misfortune and its therapy.

Heidiho my Axes. I'm not even sure if people still read my blog, but what the hey.

Am currently on the train back to Paya Lebar, all the way from Jurong East, which station i thought to be really cool. Just parted with none other than 'Aamir.

He had came and slacked at my workplace with me early in the morning, all the way from Johore. Unfortunately i couldn't get a half day, causing 'Aamir to have to wait about 7 hours.

When i was finally able to get to him he was cranky already; we ran for bus 3 because it was the only bus to the mrt station, and that was when we discovered that he was missing his ez-link card.

"as if the sudden adult fares weren't bad enough," he said. "now i have to lose my ez link card too."

We got to orchard where he'd wanted to collect his pay because otherwise he wouldn't have any money for his transport; it serves inconvenience for him to be living in Johore. We ran in the rain, pushing past measly humans and dashing across the busy roads, only to be told that 'Aamir couldn't collect his pay today.

Disappointed, and refusing to accept the unfairness, we sat in the rain for a while before getting up to make our way to Ion Orchard.

"I wish i could just push everyone aside right now," he growled under his breath as we watched the swarms of people walking around and into us. "Can't they see that i am pissed off?" i couldn't blame him.

I didn't know what to do; i've never been good with cheering people up. I was afraid of doing anything. An arm around his shoulder could lead to a harsh shrug. Whatever i say could be disregarded with a frown.

Eventually we went for his way of therapy; vanilla ice-cream. I was protesting against it at first because i didn't like vanilla. But it seemed to be the only way to make him happy: the poor kid had been waiting for me since 10 in the morning.

The trip from Orchard and on the North East line was amazing though. He was cheered up, and we stood by the window talking about the least important things in our lives; our past like it still mattered and our future like we had a clue.

We were acting like children, looking out over the reservoir between Yio Chu Kang and Khatib, with noses pressed onto the glass, me exclaiming, "because i am from the East that's why i'm jakon!!!" and him: "bestnya Singapore!!!"

Now as i sit here alone, with only strangers around me, rushing to complete this post before i reach Paya Lebar, i realise one thing: I've been blessed with a miracle that is 'Aamir.

I know it sounds cheesy and shit, but really. Our conversations from Orchard to Choa Chu Kang... I'll write another post about this soon; for now, i'm just gonna bask in the presence of this boy, because i'd never thought i would ever feel this radiant again.

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Haunt.

If i were a ghost, i'd haunt my hometown the way its ghosts did me.

I'd haunt my school and see what my previous teachers have to say about me, and see whether they have stories about my wasting of efforts to share to their current O Level classes.

I'd haunt the places where i shared memories with people whom i meant a lot to, and see whether they frequent the spot in remembrance of my friendship with them.

I'd haunt the boy i had clung on to for years to watch how his life goes on without me, and see whether he really does never think about me at all anymore.

I'd haunt the cousin who was there for me for the first 17 years of my life and watch her getting on with her life, with her schoolwork, and see whether she's ever talked to anyone about missing me, or asked anyone of my whereabouts.

I'd haunt the girl whom i promised a friendship forever with but whom i left, and see whether she really does hate me like she seems to.

I'd haunt the boys whose photos i keep in my diary, and see whether they still chuckle while playing the ps3 without me there watching.

I'd haunt the man and the woman who contributed to my birth, and who initiated my longing for death. I'd see whether they can live without their only daughter at home, whether they would realise how beautiful she really is after all these years of calling her ugly.

And i'd see if any of them regret, having not done anything despite my cries for help.

Now as long as i'm alive, all these memories will reside in me, and even my present with the people who loves and cares for me so much is a scar of the past.

If it hadn't been for my ugly past, i wouldnt have had any misery to be saved from, and i wouldn't be here where i am now.

As much as i doubt God, i know He always has reasons for doing whatever He does. I'm happy being where i am now; i just await the time when i wouldnt need to remember anything that i was long saved from.

Aamir with two A's.

my first impression of him was, "what a jerk."

he had thanked me for following back, but i didn't know who he was so i said, "sure, but who are you?" his response was rude, in my opinion; "i'm just someone who follows you randomly. can't i?" 

"bitch, i was just asking, what the hell is your problem?" i replied; but a much, much more polite version. 

it was around the time when everyone was putting their birthdates as their Twitter name, and i saw that he had, too. it was the first few hours of the day after Christmas, and i saw him tweeting shit like, "will anybody wish me for my birthday?" 

well, it was not even 15 minutes and plenty of people already had, looking at the amount of Happy Birthdays he had retweeted. 

i judged him for that, and i did have something against birthdays, so i further thought of him as a jerk. 

along came another one of those lazy days where i was just slacking my ass off in front of the computer. Pewdie's "i don't know about you but i know about Clemmyclue" came to mind suddenly; and like what we all do with our thoughts, i tweeted it. 

he responded to it, and we had a conversation revolving around my favourite Youtuber. at one point he asked me a question and when i answered, he said, "oh i knew that. i just asked to keep the conversation going." 

i really thought he was a jerk. 

i've no idea why, but i really like to interact with people i thought were jerks, for whatever perverse reasons. i was always adding my own comments to his tweets, as much as i really didn't like him. 

there was this one tweet of his which i quoted and added my own opinion to. when he replied to it, i got really annoyed because i was just agreeing and adding my own comments, i don't need you to reply to it, don't i? [that's what i think quoting is for okay]

he called me a prettyhead, and my inner response was oh fuck you.

i really had something against him, for whatever reasons. 

i was once on the train leaving Pasir Ris, and i tweeted some cheem English phrase about why i don't enjoy being in the place. he retweeted and said afterwards how attractive girls with good English were. i knew straightway that he was referring to me. 

we talked right there, on Twitter, and at the end of the conversation he tweeted; do you have a boyfriend ): again, i knew somehow that he was referring to me. 

after those strange series of interactions, i found myself looking through his Twitter profile whenever i could. when i was doing so, i would always tell myself, is this jerk still following me? he'd better be. 

that was the excuse i gave myself for stalking his profile. i saw the pictures of him in his suit and i thought he actually looked kind of familiar. 

i once tweeted a webcam picture of myself and i got so pissed at him for retweeting it. why the hell would you retweet that, now everyone's gonna see and freaking judge me. 

and so, came 2013 and he excitedly announced that he was going to be 17. i replied to it, about how i was turning 18, and he got so shocked. "are you serious O: why are you so old", he said. 

as much as i still didn't really like him, we had a proper conversation and he ended up getting my number. 

the first thing i said to him in our Whatsapp conversation was how i'd found his face familiar; like i'd seen it in a dream before. 

the first thing he said to me was "i need a name. to be honest i saved your number as Crush." 

and i was like, ohmygod kill him. 

he told me about his past relationships, although i swear i did not once brought up the topic. he tried to coax me into telling him mine, but i totally refused. 

i didn't really want him to like me for so many reasons. i showed him bits of my ugly side, the scars beneath my hat [a metaphor for my inhumane thoughts] but somehow it just further fueled his crush on me. he said i was unique. well i thought that was bullshit. 

no matter, i still replied him whenever he texted me. i gave him my opinions on life here and there, and he always emphasised on how mature he thought i was. 

he constantly reminded me about his crush on me, though i did nothing to regard it.

over the short period i found myself talking to him more and more. he had called me on the day of our O levels results and told me how he felt about his. idk, but i really liked his voice. 

i'd gone to the airport that night and on my way back, he called me again. he told me how he had told his best friend about me, how unique he thought i was and how he had a crush on me. 

we first met at the airport, and as annoying as he was, i thought he was really cute. i enjoyed his company a lot, though i was trying so hard not to show it.

yes my Axes, if you hadn't already guessed, i met Aamir on Twitter. he lives in Johor, but he's Singaporean alright. that's why he's a leopard cat; because you'd have to pay and travel just to see him. [it's a silly metaphor but i like it okay] 

again, this boyfriend is a lot more popular than i am. i've met and hung out with three of his friends but he's never met any of mine before. [thats because i don't have any] i've never showed him off to anyone like how he does me to his friends. 

he was proud of having me as his girlfriend from the very start, but it was only after our first kiss that i really felt more feelings towards him. i don't know if you find this weird, but that kiss did seem like a "lock" of some sort. 

it's far too early to say anything more, but i know i really like Aamir for who he is. 

i'm an asshole for being a douchebag one second and a sweetie the next. 

Catching up.

my apologies for my prolonged absence...!
shh, i'm here to blog now, thank you for your patience.

so we all had our O Level results some eons ago, and despite not having reached anywhere near my initial targets, i'm proud of whatever i'd gotten.

and according to Mrs Chew, i was her only student who had gotten a distinction for English {:

first person i called was Black, who surprisingly answered, and when i told him about my English, he went, "see... i knew you could do it..."

i was about to recite the scores for the rest of my subjects but he cut me off; "i'm kind of busy now." and just as suddenly as he had came, he was gone. as always.

went to Sabrina's house to change because i had came from work so i had clothes other than the school uniform [which i dread wearing].

Granny called to say that Mother was at Guilley, so i decided to stay out til she'd gone home. i went on a solitary escapade to the airport and got myself donuts while writing in my diary.

i gave Syamirul  a call and told him my L1R4. he agreed with me about it being terrible, but when i told him my distinction for English, he exclaimed, "wow congrats man, i'm so proud of you man!"

so i reached Guilley around 9, and i thought of running away when i saw Mother through the window. she was definitely there to know about my results, which i'd already decided some time ago never to reveal.

i showed my slip to my uncle first, and along came my granny who told me to just show Mother how good i had done.

i hung around in the kitchen with my uncle first, and along came Mother who announced that she was going, before turning to me and demanding, "where's your results? i want to see your results."

she was disregarded of course, until she got really pissed and started yelling for me to show her my slip. like she always does.

she continued screaming at me until i finally had the courage to answer, "you don't have the rights to know, because you treated me like shit during my O levels period right?"

she lost it, and shrieked, "i am your mother, E'indah. i am your mother!"

"yeah, so what the hell were you doing to me during that critical period?"

idk, she was totally losing it, and my aunt was screaming at her too. i don't want to go into the details too much but Mother ended it off by announcing that she was cutting off all ties with me.

all i could say was, "i thought you already did that a long time ago."

she started hitting me, and that was when my uncle stood up and said, "you don't have to hit her." they were all arguing, these siblings, about me, while there i was curled up in the chair with my uncle's arm around my shoulders.

i was so scared, i really didn't like the loud voices and i didn't want to remember everything they were saying.  all i could do was run from the kitchen and hid in the room, and started crying.

when she was gone,... my aunt came and hugged me, reminding me "i'm with you."

came Saturday, my second off day, which i spent at the airport writing in my diary. Aamir came along and we sat at a ledge by the viewing plaza, talking about the least important things in our lives.

he sent me home; the very first time someone had bothered to send me all the way to Paya Lebar. it was a long bus ride on which he made me listen to his One Direction songs, that, according to him, reminded him of me.

it was raining and there were puddles everywhere, and as much as he was initially reluctant, we jumped in them, laughing, forgetting all our restrictions.

had applied for JAE at work, with Shushan coming to help me, a few hours before its deadline. a Malay lady came and saw what i was doing and she gave some last minute advice which actually did help.

just so you know, Shushan and i work in the same place {: she knew how i'd been stealing the food from the shop, but she still thinks i need to eat proper meals. she's always buying me mee soto, and she even knows how i don't want taugeh.

i've been pissing the lady boss off a lot as of late, and there was that one day when she was really angry at me over a misunderstanding. i gave a gloomy face the rest of the day and Shushan was sweet enough to try and cheer me up the whole time.

i love my job; i like being alone in the mornings. and when the lady boss or colleagues are around, there's always something happening which makes me laugh and giggle to myself even when the moment was long over.

okay, i just really dislike the miscommunication issues. every customer is always talking Chinese to me, though i really enjoy surprising the Malay ones by speaking the language to them suddenly.

i met one who knew at first glance that i was Malay, who cleared whatever doubt he'd had by asking, "Adek Melayu eh?" you can't imagine how blissful i had felt when he walked out of the shop, to the extent of repeating the sentence in my head over and over again.

as i'd mentioned, i've always been stealing the bread, particularly the hotdog buns; i really love those. many customers do so as well, apparently, because they're always selling like hotcakes despite the boss making dozens of them every evening.

there was this one morning with only one hotdog bun left, and i was about to take it for myself when i decided not to, for no apparent reason; as much as i did want to.

along came a little girl, who had this really sad look on her face... but when she saw that there was one hotdog bun left, she smiled to herself, took it and hopped to the counter where i was.

i was so proud of myself for having not taken that last bun. [though i still steal a lot of bread everyday]

and then there are the days with Aamir. we'd gone to Woodlands Waterfront last Thursday, after parting with his friend Nabil Smurf, who has this talent in making music. not bad at all.

once again, on the bus trip to WW, Aamir forced me to listen to his songs again. we bumped into a friend of his and i listened to their conversation which was so amusing.

Aamir stroked me on the head and said to his friend; "i care for her so much." that softened me; i'm not sure if that's the right word but i felt that way, you know?

it was freezing at the jetty [or whatever it's called] but i really liked being there. whenever you think there is nothing much to look at, expand your horizons and you'll discover abundant of things to see.

last Saturday was another off day for me which i spent at the airport with the main intention of blogging. but Aamir was so disruptive that i really didn't get much done. we managed to watch some Pewdiepie though!

so i decided to bring him to Orchard without telling him why. it was only when we reached Ion Orchard did i tell him i was bringing him to somewhere with ink, with the intention of letting him presume it to be a tattoo parlour. every step of the way, he was protesting against it and i was so amused!

well, it was a bookstore; none other than my good old friend {prologue}. i spent some eons there looking for books because there was a sale, and i ended up buying two {: despite the amount of unread books piling up at home.

we watched Mama yesterday, and it had a good story despite the unnecessary sound effects at some points of the movie. i liked that scene on the cliff with Mama on one side and Annabelle on the other, with the girls in between reaching their hands out to each other.

not only because it was picturesque in the sense of cinematography, but because it resembled my state as well; i've not talked to my brothers for such a long time just because of the tension between my parents and i.  what right does the latter have to interfere in my relationship with my brothers?

i'm done here. for now.

and yes, my Axes. i'm together with Aamir. when we first started out, i had my doubts about him but we'd been spending so much time together that i feel i can let go of my past already. thank you Aamir, and thank you Axes for all the support, whether or not you dare show it.

and this is me. 

i really can't smile. 

Nimble.

am currently at the airport, my usual solitary escapade at Dunkin Donuts, except this time, it is not solitary. 

i have 'Aamir with me now, and he's been distracting me til i havent been able to get any work done. i owe my Axes posts from the last few weeks, my last post was ten days ago. 

the time i'd been absent has been peanuts, so many shit happened. i've been wanting to blog about it, but i was so busy with work. been working 10 hours each day since the New Year with only three days off, so my pay had better be worth the bullshit i'd gone through. 

i have a draft for the post explaining my past weeks, but havent had the time to elaborate and shit. this is just a quick post because i've only 36% left on my laptop, just letting you know that i am fine, and that i will be blogging soon. just not sure when. 

ok thanks for taking the time to read this very swift post of mine, if you even realised i was missing. will get back to you soon. 

#CutForJustin?

i know i may be a little late on this, but recently there had been this trend on Twitter that is #CutForJustin. i don't know when or how it started, but i heard it's because Justin Bieber had been taking drugs, and his fans are cutting to show their devastation at this.

i've seen the pictures, seen the tweets; you can't imagine how pissed i am at this trend.

it's not only unacceptable in the way that these fans are cutting themselves because of someone who doesn't know of their own individual existence.

why doesn't anyone cut for the soldiers who had perished for the country, or children who starved to death, or heroes who died in their sacrifices; why doesn't anybody cut for them?

what about the other teenagers who had resorted to drugs too? they may have had gone through suffering much more painful than whatever Bieber's reasons are for doing so.

this trend might have an impact on those people, you never know. maybe they did it for attention from their family, friends, the society, whatever. but when they see how much attention a freaking pop star is getting for the same thing, these people might just sink deeper.

what about the teenagers all over the world who has always been cutting, since childhood maybe, because of domestic abuse, or because of the bullying they got in school. they cut because it's a way to save themselves from that; how would these people feel if they see others doing what saves them, just because a little pop star is doing drugs? get what i mean?

i'm not sure anyone would read this, but i have to make a stand against this stupid trend. i have to speak for other self-harmers; my comrades, and of course, myself.

my scars, our scars, are a sign of our strength and survival. if you cut for Bieber, then yours are a sign of weakness, of letting a pop star take over your life.

fuck this trend i'm so pissed.

Three days with Blue.

heidiho my Axes. [it's been sometime since i said that] it's only been the fourth day of the new year and plenty of bullshits have already happened.

i started off at my new job on New Year's Day, and it wasn't so bad, apart from the frequent miscommunication. it's really annoying to have every customer speaking Chinese to me, and getting irritated when i say, "English please." i am not being racist, but not everyone in Singapore speaks the language ok.

anyway, i got the hang of what i have to do, although i'm still a little slow. it's not my fault that i like to be careful; i'd rather be slow and steady than rush and boobed.

just on my third day of work, though, i heard that the lady boss was thinking of firing me already, because according to her and the boss, i was irresponsible. and they gave me an advanced pay of a hundred.

i met up with Syamirul on Wednesday evening for a little catch up session because we havent met for quite some time already. the previous time i had seen him was way back in October.

he seemed a lot more open and talkative and annoying than how i knew him. he bought me my cigarettes and we sat at a void deck, talking and smoking [me], just as much as he was telling me not to.

he made me laugh quite a few times, that's amazing! we used to have a hard time keeping a proper conversation without having awkward silences but that evening we were just shooting nonsense and snickering here and there. not bad.

Syam was supposed to meet his friends soon, but we were taking our time walking there and had the cheek to lie to them when he was far from reaching!

we met again the day before yesterday, and i had wanted to climb the shelter which linked the carpark and the multi purpose hall but he wouldn't have it. so we sat at the latter, and i was casually smoking when Syamirul suddenly went into a panic mode.

"eh, throw away your cigarette, police, police."

"so? you're eighteen."

"you're underaged!"

"i'm eighteen this year."

i threw whatever argument i could think of but Syamirul really made me paranoid as well and so we left. that barrel made me waste a newly-lit stick!

we walked to another void deck where he spoke fragments of his mind, which is a rarity all the time i'd known him. he always listened to my bullshit. idk but i liked how we kept eye contact through out when he was speaking.

he was still very much against me getting a tattoo but he agreed to follow me get my first one. because... i'm sure it would be painful and i'd need someone to be there for me.

today, we met again to visit his school for the open house. he brought me to his course first, and damn, after hearing everything the student had to say, i really think i want to get into this course instead.

and i met with Tiffany! she spread her arms when she saw me and we had a little hug.

Syam and i sat by the reservoir talking again, and he had to listen to my bullshit once again. o and i really loved the ampitheatre!, or whatever it's called. he was getting irritated with my being jakon and shooting my mouth off.

we took the bus to Tampines and when we got off, he ABANDONED ME IN THE CROWDS DAMN IT. all i did was search for my earpiece but when i looked up he was gone, HE WAS GONE AND HE LEFT ME IN THE CROWDS.

but still, here is my good friend Syamirul, a.k.a. Blue.

one of the very few good friends i have who had a thousand reasons to leave; but stayed.

What a post to start off 2013.

So the polytechnics are having open houses over the period of the next few days, and am going with Syamirul to his tomorrow.

I have a lot to update about the PAST few days; my first four days of the new year. But am currently blogging on my phone and i feel extremely lazy to beat around the bush.

I just wanted to tell you about what happened back on the day me and a bunch of other kids got called out for having skipped the racial harmony carnival. This is random as hell, i've really no idea why i suddenly thought of it again. Perhaps because they share the same atmosphere.

Anyway, mr syafie went through all of us and made us say our reasons for not attending the event. Everyone else was making up all sorts of unbelievable stories, while there i was with a few real reasons; i wouldnt have had any friends to hang out with the whole time.

If you were to remember how i was an outcast back that July; it really did contribute to my refusal of attending it, as much as i'd wanted to. But of course, when my turn came, i merely announced; "i have no reasons."

Afterwards everyone else was still making up cock and bull stories, til mr syafie got fed up i guess, and said: "look at e'indah so honest, straightout said that she had no reasons instead of making up grandmother stories like you."

And then he kept emphasising on my "honesty", despite my lie of having "no reasons" when i had a dozen in my head. I dont know, but wasnt it ironic?

And once again i'd ended up going around the mansion when i could just walk in the front door.

Thats all im gonna share with you now, what a post to start off 2013. I shall share with you more about my new year when my fingers are on a more comfortable keypad.

Adios amigos.

P.s. yes hell yeah motherfuckers, i am saving up the money for a tattoo already.

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