Pink shmink.

i do have a reason for starting to draw again. been drawing out some memories, and not of the younger twin.

better the blue tadpole than the red, right?

blue+red=PURPLE!

go to hell. i'm pink tadpole.

"Tiada Maaf Bagimu"? o really?

this song reminded me of Irshad. i happened to hear it on the radio.

listen to its lyrics. it makes me cry. 

Mengapa harus kita berpisah 

Setelah lama kita bercinta 

Tiada kesalahan yang ku perlakukan 

Yang menyakiti hatimu 

 Mungkinkah ini kerna hasutan 

Menarik diri tanpa alasan 

Tapi tak mengapa 

Ku takkan kecewa 

Kau turut kata hatimu 

Kini kau datang kembali 

Memohon maaf dariku 

Ku tak sudi memandang mu 

Pergi kau dari hidupku 

Tak usah kau menyesali 

Cinta bagi ku sekali 

Kini silakan kau pergi 

Sedikit ku tak kecil hati 

Oh tiada lagi maaf bagimu 

Hati ku takkan terpujuk lagi 

Suatu masa dulu kau tinggalkan daku 

Yang dahagakan cintamu 

i know i've told you guys i have a silly schoolgirl crush on someone else now. but that doesn't mean i would be unaffected by this boy, right?

right?

____

her hand seems short, somehow. o well. anyway, i love my scanner! why did i ever show you guys my drawings via cammies? the scanner makes the drawing looks better as compared to cammies.

...yupp. i've no idea what is it that i want.

i'm so confused...

ugh. T.T

Yet another school day...

who the hell put my photo on the classroom's back noticeboard? couldn't you have at least asked first? i can't stand the thought of having my smile lingering there, facing everyone's backs.

i felt so sleepy the entire morning! had fallen asleep on my way to school, in the bus. i heard, in my dream or in real life, i'm not sure; hey wake her up, in chinese. and then i woke up to the touch of a pat on my shoulder, and to see that we had arrived at school's bus stop.

hadn't managed to say thank you to whoever that was.

even if i hadn't been awakened, i would probably wake up in the nick of time, anyway. you all know how seriously i take my dreams, right? well sadly for me my dreams don't take me seriously, that's why they have a weird relationship with me. they pull me in with such strength only to push me away again suddenly.

they're like girls, you don't know what the hell they want. they invite you in only to kick you out again. o well.

so i had oral practice with Mrs Chew today. she looked so alive suddenly when i greeted her "good morning Mrs Chew may i sit down please?" [basic oral exam etiquette...] and she gasped and exclaimed, "yes, e'indah, that's the way!" hehe. 

i must admit, i seem to have a soft spot for Zharfan. he was on the board when it hit my desk, and to make it worse i'd been sleeping. i jerked my head up with a scowl and unforgiving glare but when i saw it was him i was just like Nvm when he said sorry. if it'd been somebody else i would have really have shown attitude face and ignore the apologies.

so once again Mr Bernard always comes over to check on me even though i never called him. what's more the rest of the class would be like "Mr Low Mr Low!", but he would silently make his way to my desk and ask, "everything ok? can do?"

after school, saw the kitty cat at central bus stop, lazing around in the sun. so adorable!

look. memory of the 15th of May this year, if i'm not wrong.

yeah, i liked Hulk. cause he's, well, Incredible.

i like how The Incredible Hulk can be read over and over and over but still make sense. The Incredible Hulk. Hulk, the Incredible. Hulk the Incredible Hulk the Incredible Hulk the incredible Hulk.

you know those type of sentences? i forgot what they're called. remember back in primary school when those faggots would ask you to say "kefa" repeatedly and laugh when you still didn't realise you were saying "fxker" again and again?

i like how the blue tadpole's hair looks like clouds when i draw him. *sparkle in the eye*

*embarrassed* x_x

come back! tonight, i'll blog again. most prolly. hey, it's gonna rain. need a brolly? [nah the sun is great, just wanted to make it rhyme. hehe]

Jittery.

sup, been busy the whole of today. with pencils and pens and books and thoughts and ideas (;

thank goodness for the many school holidays this week! i have a little extra time to myself, so i can do this little thing for that little somebody. rejection is no boundary! i guess.

i hadn't known what shoes to give her. and when i drew her barefoot, her toes look weird. i guess i can't draw bare feet from the front view. hehe.

anyway, i feel so happy today! cause i've been drawing the blue tadpole a lot. i dont know, just drawing him makes me feel so ticklish all over. who knew having a crush could be such a blissful little thing?

haiya. he's so adorable. hehe!

Four arrows, and boy issues...

a useless guide to knowing my 4 identities. [yes, there are four]

(L-R) the Wrister girl, E'indah E'esa, Re'ine Nadhie, Solitary Author.

E'indah E'esa [2010]

those headphones were Pearl's, oops! 

one that disturbs everything that moves a little, shakes the boat when there are no waves. for all i remember, she was always having fun, always disturbing the hell out of everyone. if she irritates you, she loves you.

she talks to people a lot, thus the reaching out of her hands in this drawing.

the Wrister girl [2011] 

a little withdrawn, apart from her classmates and her best friends. cold all the time, on the outside [thus the constant wearing of hoodies] and on the inside too, it seems. always with that little cammie of hers (;

so far she's the one who's the happiest. 

seldom approaches people, and doesn't look approachable either, but if she's talked to, then she talks. thus the fact that she doesn't ignore when someone talks to her in this drawing.

Re'ine Nadhie [early 2012] 

a failed attempt to move forward. got so full of herself in a desperate bid to change from the E'indah or the Wrister girl that she once were.

left everyone and became cocky, thus the reason she is standing with arms folded, legs wide apart in the drawing, and away from the rest.

Solitary Author [current?] 

spends all her time writing, blogging, writing, blogging. she's probably gone insane from the solitude, but she knows she can't go back to the past.

she's sad when she watches the people who used to be with her happy together, but she can only watch from afar, thus her distance in this drawing.

____

and who on earth was all this for? 

____

and one more thing; Nadhie. Solitary. E'indah. Wrister.

Nadhie: at the front of everyone else in superiority.
E'indah and Wrister: they get along with humans, that's why they can be put next to each other.
Solitary Author: remains behind due to her inferiority.

i just noticed this last part. interesting, isn't it.

RAH! 

o, i just got jilted. boohoo. now i fear i may not be able to move on at all. i never thought it would be this tough.

i got rejected........... T.T
i guess i deserved it cause before this i actually rejected someone else too. coldly friendzoned him, actually. 

i hope this does not make me go back to the DB.

who knew that having boy issues would be so tough?

#10FavouriteCartoons

the title says it all (; quick! i'm so excited to do this.
*had wanted to put in fanarts but then i was like, hmm nah, original it is.

01. Danny Phantom. 

always able to make me laugh to myself.

02. Hey Arnold!

03. Digimon Frontier. 

i must admit that this one was my most favourite Digimon series.

and not to forget this...

04. Pokemon Advanced, Advanced Battle, Advanced Challenge... the ones with Max and May. just the series that took place in the Hoenn region!

05. The Fairly Odd Parents.

06. Teen Titans.

07. Rugrats. 

i still prefer this one to the All Grown Up version.

08. Courage the Cowardly Dog. 

as sadist as it is... it's still one of my favourites. even though that's a dog!

09. Powerpuff Girls.

hehe.

10. Shaun the Sheep. 

he's just so cute. and all the other sheep, too! [dammit, i can't find any pictures with the baby one.]

so there you have it. ten of my favourite cartoons. and NO, spongebob is not one of them. i never really liked spongebob, really. some episodes were scary! [yeah, Courage was fine but not Spongebob.]

all in all, i just loved Nickelodeon a lot. heh.

o, and favour? does anyone know what cartoon is this? it's a blue- or purple-haired boy in a yellow vest with sausage lips, and he's got a talking dog or something. i can't remember its title! but i liked that one too. the title was the names of the boy and dog if i ain't wrong.

he looked somewhat like this, if i ain't wrong. 

uh huh.

webcamwhoring in my Wrister glasses~! it sure is a boring Saturday, isn't it? 

For you.

if we're both scared, where would the courage come from? or is it already here, deprived of evolution? is the courage gonna remain as just the bravery that came from admitting that i like you? are we never going to progress?

i know you're scared. you know i'm scared too. but i'm willing to try.

it's taken me long enough to find someone else. took me longer to admit it. are we gonna wait eons more for something greater to happen? 

____

 it is a boring Saturday morning. 

o! it's already past noon.

Madness. [rewritten]

yesterday, my classmates gathered to be recorded for the national day video. back at my seat in the classroom, i could hear how happy they were as they sang happy birthday to Singapore.

while they all decorated the classroom, i'd wanted to help, too.

but i felt small.

just a year ago i was running around recording them as they did their work.

i miss my classmates. but i can't do anything about it. they have always been there. they hadn't gone anywhere; i was the one who pulled myself away from their company.

____

my Friday was nothing much. hadn't gone to school and stayed in the house to sleep all day til buka time. which was a solitary affair today. as always.

so, me in school... i hadn't gotten suspended from class this whole week apart from the essay punishment on Tuesday. Mrs Sherri had came out from the office, seen me, and asked what i did. she said i'm really making her worried.

and then Mr Bernard said he's very concerned about what is my problem, and he doubts i would be able to even pass. he'd wanted to talk with me today but i decided to absent myself.

Ms Adimah and Mr Syafie knows it's all about the heartbreak. the former is helping me in pushing aside my emotions while the latter has always been trying to settle my disciplinary stuff quickly, both telling me constantly that it's just a few months left.

well. like i'd said yesterday, each time i say i've moved on, i start crying. how many times had this happened the past few weeks? i hear a POP sound and then right after, each time i think about the memories i feel unaffected. so i feel convinced that i'm done.

and yet, the emotions and tears come flooding back a few weeks later.

each time i say i give up, i continue trying. after those moments of depression i'd tell myself okay, i'm done with trying, i'm not gonna study anymore.

but again, in a short moment i pick up my schoolbooks again.

as the Chesire Cat in the mad version of Alice in Wonderland had said; "Madness is not a state of mind. it is a place." not only do we have to escape it, we have to destroy it as well, along with its equally insane residents, be it negativity or the happiness of your past.

____

i shall get rid of my madness and focus on three things:
my studies,
my conduct grade stuff,
and the boy i have a crush on.

i see it. i shall reach it.

Madness.

every time i say i've moved on, i start crying.
every time i say i give up, i continue trying.

what is this madness?

like i loved to say in my diaries,

this is Madness at its Fullest. 

Sleep.

one simple word. one thing that all of us do and love. possibly one of the joys in life. after food, since not everyone has access to food. but everyone has access to slumber, right?

sleep is a source of solace. it is heaven when you've had a hell of a day. it is more than the warmth of hot chocolate on a rainy night, or ice cream on a hot sunny day. even though you can't really physically feel the comfort when you're in a deep sleep.

sleep is an escape. it is when you dream. your dreams, the things that you wish would happen in reality. that short moment in your dream world where you feel the opposite of how you really do. where you get to escape  from reality and not worry about anything.

yeah, sleep sure is a powerful thing, isn't it.

how was your first day of the month? good? good. awesome? awesome!

mine was neutral.

i just came to blog about Sleep. now that that's done, bye. see you in the parallel world of 109.

p.s. this is my 300th post for the year! [shall someday tell ya my total number of posts (;]

my last July day.

when you've always been in the darkness, smile once the light shines on you.

was made to write a 750-word essay on the importance of coming to school and detention outside the office today.

wrote an O level standard with a little mix of Solitary Author. wish i could show it to you guys so you would know the importance of school, too!

so who happened to be on suspension as well was none other than Had Rafael. i'd seen him a couple of times during the start of the year; i never really liked the way he looked and acted.

but hey, he was really nice. easy to talk to! within an hour or so, i was already conversing openly with him and not giving one-word answers like i was before.

talked about the randomest of things, til Mr Syafie called for him to sit at the desks [we were on the floor]. so i took a nap.

woke up to totally numb legs so decided to go for a little walk along the corridor and that was when Raf passed me this, suddenly.

i find that funny. but man. "lonely girl"..?

decided to sit at the desks as well cause sitting outside the office doors was tough; it was really chilly! i find it ironic, because i happened to be sitting beneath the fire extinguisher.

so Raf and i continued talking about more of the least important things in our lives til Mr Syafie came out and collected my essay after scolding me for being there. and then he told me to go back to class.

had managed to smuggle my entire backpack into the library today. i dont know why i'm announcing this to you with pride, really.

and then there was triple free period right after lunch before we headed off to assembly. i loved that vid! was keeping a straight face throughout but i had to surrender.

had wanted to go on a photography escapade today with Sya-zam but he was still sick and i was tired anyway, so we didn't. i just hope the scene at the bus stop i told him about wouldn't disappear. it's really a beautiful thing.

hmmm. so it's the last day of the month, i see? have you read this post before? regarding first day of the month stuff. yeah.

that will be it for now. hopefully i would be able to blog something intelligent soon.

webcamwhore.

i have been getting jakon with the webcam once again.

sorry Axes, for the much unneeded overdose. but it was really addictive!!! *sheepish grin*

so yeah, hey. today, i had stayed awake during all lessons! except for the last two free periods which was PC/CME. [i dont like to call it Crest Time] and then we had Chemistry remedial which i hadnt tried to escape from. fowoo!, you must be damn proud of me.

as for tomorrow, i think i would be going to meet up with Syamirul. for his photography assignment. just to accompany him and see how he takes pics, stuff like that. maybe. i'll have to see my energy level.

i havent much to say right now. Natalee is having her Prelim exams, as well as the 4NA/NT students, and it seems like Haikal dood is having his, too. well all the best to all of them. and everyone who's doing their national exams in time to come. rah.

i've been reading back my diaries, comparing those from late 2011 to the most current ones, and i must say; my diary-writing matured a lot in such a short time.

once again i ponder: will there be someone who's privileged enough to be able to read all my diaries? will i be blessed enough to meet someone who's willing to read all my thoughts and past?

____

you treated him like dirt. i regarded him as my world. 

you hadn't need to snatch him from my hands just to toss him back on the floor, they were already weak when they finally managed to grab hold of him. 

now that he's gone, i'm crumbling like hell while you've already gotten yourself a new man. 

i don't get you. i wish we could have a heart to heart talk someday. 

but nah. 

all the best for your prelims and N levels. 

____

ailurophiles. [or maybe just cat-lovers.]

i like people who talk to cats.

and yes, i do so too. all the time. my little brother is embarrassed by this. each time we see a stray cat, i would say things like, "hello! hey why are you here? alone ah? keciannye... kay lah, bye!" and he would mutter under his breath, "stop talking to the cat!"

my aunt talks to her cats. so do my grandmother and uncles. i love the way my Pak Long talks so gently to the cats in secret when he's always easily losing his temper at us humans!

today i saw the auntie at the coffeeshop cleaning the tables, with the fat orange kitty staring up at her from a distance. the auntie saw, and she called out to the kitty, "hello, cat! what's the matter??? have you not eaten?" [in chinese] it was too adorable, i had to smile.

cats do understand us when we talk to them. it's just that they don't bother to respond. cats' ears are powerful, so if a cat is not looking at you when you call, it just means that it's ignoring you.

and it's true: a cat knows how you feel. it just doesn't care.

there was this once, when i was walking past the newsstand at EM in the morning. Kuskus and the black kitty came running out of there with really scared faces, and the newsstand lady calling out to them, laughing, "hey, cat! come back here, cat!" and they really did [reluctantly though].

i guess it's trust?

in any case, i really do love the very few people who talk to cats. who confide in them. it's just beautiful.

purr and the world purrs with you. hiss and you hiss alone. 
____

and this is beautiful too. i saw it on 9gag. i think it means that every little thing in your life has its good side to it. if you're blind, at least you are alive. and then it also shows how you can have everything when you have nothing, that's how she can conjure up a whole world in her darkness.

in my humble opinion anyway.

the crazier the dream, the more real its meaning.

i'd gone to Tampines yesterday, T1 and TM. i ended up getting myself a few skirts at Cotton On; they were going for 2 for $30 (;

and damn! i'd gotten the wrong size earsticks. guess i'll have to make another trip soon.

so Urban Write is having a scrapbook promotion, where there are discounts given to the scrapbook paper and all those materials. it makes me wanna try scrapbooking! but what do i put in?

anyway, i might want to get more clothings soon. before the skirts yesterday, the last time i bought a tee or something was... i can't even remember! have always been spending my moolah on notebooks, stationery and food.

well now that it's the fasting month, i'd been able to save lots of money, which is why i dared go on a shopping spree yesterday.

plus, i'd been studying the whole of yesterday morning so i felt like it was a somewhat reward for myself. [though i don't think i really deserved that]

and as for today, i am going out with my parents and lil bro. i know i just recently made them mad, but, well, air dicencang tiada diputus, right?

and i'd dreamt of the blue tadpole again. hehe.

that was after i got up for sahur. before, which was before 4 am, i had a stranger one; i was on a computer chair, you know the office type with wheels, in the middle of a multi-storey carpark spinning myself round and around on it.

i was crazy! and to make it more insane, i was screaming out Payphone while i spun round and round.

and yes, it was crazy!, but i do believe there is a hidden meaning, maybe more than one, in it. i'll figure it out.

you're the one who's left behind.

have you noticed how the people who caused the problem wouldnt be the one to solve it? like how the firemen have to put out the fire that you caused.

like how the person who broke your heart wouldnt be the one to help you through the rough after-effects.

like how you're the one who caused your mom's migraine but she's giving you the cold shoulder so she asks your brother to massage her head instead.

done.