childhood fears and webcamwhoring.

this is apparently my 1582nd post.

subtract my drafts which is a total of 6, and that will be the number of posts there are on this here bloggie. *congratulations*

i am currently pissed off. E'indah seems to really hate being in a car for many hours. she can stand being in her tiny little cupboard overnight, but not in a car. hmm. kay then.

so here we are, back in my sanctuary of my abode in Pasir Ris. 

somehow it feels like i'd been detached from earth for such a long time already. (then again, the dense person that i am, that could probably be true to a certain extent) since when had my dear old bloggie received so many views, and my very random "i like cats" tweet received so many retweets?

o but hey! guess what? both my maternal grandparents are gonna be sleeping over tonight!!!!!!

what are the things i'd bought from malaysia, you ask?

1. an hourglass. finally! had always wanted one. its sand is pink. truly beautiful. i couldnt stop playing with the one on display, and the nice salesgirl gave me a little discount, seeing that i liked it so much. sweet!

2. a bracelet. it's made of magnets, which i find to be absolutely cool .

3. a tee. it has a camera on the front and a little photographer splattered on the back. it's beautiful, although my first impression was "NO WAY, I AM NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER."

4. a voodoo doll. i dont know why actually. when i saw it i thought it looked really irritating, but i still found myself drawn to it. so i bought it. and this proved the powers that these creepy dolls have.

did you know that i am actually afraid of dolls? my childhood had still been full of them though, because mom never knew of my little fear.

you know the Baby Alive thingy? i fucking hate those, i tell you. i swear. i always avoid the girls section at Toys R Us because of those.

remember Chuckie? *deep breath* i have nothing to say about that. if you ask my maternal relatives, they all have stories about me, Chuckie, and high-pitched shrieks from a little girl in her mommy's arms.

i'd put a photo of him here, but... nah. i don't want to scare my Axes who are also afraid of him.

if you notice, most of my posts when i was on this trip had titles which sounds kind of off a horror movie, right? a little ghost story, devil in the house stalking me, running along an empty corridor in dead silence. what was i thinking.

that all aside, am meeting up with Syamirul tomorrow. i think i'll wear a little summery, flowy dress. i dont know, i feel like it. i want to look like a little girl again.

okay, i am so tired right now. shall end off the post with more of my random webcamwhore moments from back in the hotel.

enjoy .

aww. love you too my Axes.

don't you just love my bloody face? don't be jealous because i live with it everyday.

won't post that many cause i'm selfish and i don't want to share my bloody face with you all .

yes, yes darlings... love you too. 

i'm so damn irritating, right?

breakfast at the hotel lobby.

am currently at Myra Bistro, the little place by the corner of the lobby where guests eat their breakkie.

aku telah mengambil kesempatan untuk menggunakan kamera komputer riba aku. 

wow that sentence was horrible.

i like bread butter pudding.

running along the empty corridor in dead silence.

yet another after-midnight post.

heidiho there my Axes. i've just returned from the wedding reception. see my transformation from this;

to this!

hey it's a big leap. and there's my aunt there.

i met many of my third cousins at this wedding reception. the bride is my relative, and i find her little brother really cute. he's around my age, maybe a little older? each time i looked at him he would be dancing, and it was just beyond adorable.

the two guys who were singing (damn i hadn't caught their group name), their vocals were truly admirable. each time the guy in white hit a high note, my goosebumps would literally stand up!

i loved the fact that they were able to sing any song suggestion that we tossed at them. when everyone else was clearing out, i had moved myself to a little table and looked at them play through-out, ignoring and shutting out the chaos around me.

i just came back from another little trip down to the lobby. this time what made me different was the fact that i was in bermudas and no hoodie. so E'indah-ish. aren't you proud of me?

so the room that we're staying on is right at the end of the third level, and that little corridor that we have to pass by every time is always deadly silent. i told myself i would run along the lane, all the way to our room, so that was what i did immediately upon stepping out the lift.

guess what, halfway through running there, i realised i was on the wrong floor. the carpet for the second and third storeys were apparently contrastingly different, and i had to run back all the way before waiting for the lift again, all in the freaking dead silence.

it was damn nerve-wrecking i tell ya.

back on the third storey, ran all the way to our room, laughing out breaths, and then banging on the front door, forgetting that i had the bloody keycard with me.

yes, absolutely nerve-wrecking.

i'd caught the sunset! and a little birdie that was hanging around the window earlier.

and Little Devil still stalking me. the Little Devil perfectly captured my suffering from innui, awaiting that little text from that precious foster brother.

that all aside, i've been missing my milk tea.and been really webcamwhoring a lot during this trip. maybe because i have to wait for the wi-fi signal to come again all the time.

i listened to some Daniel Powter today. and i tried listening to Payphone. honestly, i don't really like it. o well. the world is the world. and me is me.

see some other random photos of the day:

this last photo seems to be standing out among the rest, for some weird reason. but i find it worth sharing. look at my left eye!

so anyway. shall update once more during breakkie tomorrow. most likely my aunt and uncle would linger in the bistro chatting away, so i'll use the time to blog.

thank you very much, my Axes, for finding the time to read this precious little bloggie of mine. a very goudennate to all of you, til our next heidiho. 

devil in the house stalking me.

okay. am at the lobby now, with secure and stable wi-fi signal. shall now blog away.

so! what am i actually doing in malaysia, you ask? we'd been invited to a dinner tonight. an engagement dinner. it's at 8 tonight, which is why we're all still pretty much still slacking.

aunt and uncle had gone to her company to take some supplies, and so here i am in the lobby making use of the free wi-fi.

had ordered hawaiian pizza before i left, and i must say, i really made a fool out of myself through the room service telephone.

so, yesterday. the Zon. had explored the attached shopping mall, and then met up with my aunt who bought herself a pair of shoes. i'd wanted to get a few chocolates for the foster brother but most of them were pretty costly.

the last time i'd been at the Zon was two years ago, and i still remember the place considerably well. mom had bought me a purple dress then. and we had stayed at the hotel. want to see some pictures of 2010 now?

i really liked this weird stain on the carpet of the room my aunt was staying in !

and then the now;

 as for today, i'd had breakkie at the hotel, before slacking at the room for a bit. aunt and uncle left to go to the company thingy, and then i started singing at the top of my lungs. i even recorded myself!

had sat at the sink in the toilet, camwhoring with myself for a bit, and still singing some sad songs with a happy tune. eventually i got bored, and that was when i called for room service.

when my pizza came, i totally forgot the phrase "charge to the room", and i actually told the guy, "can i not pay now? i'll pay together with the hotel." he looked stumped for a bit, before getting what i'd wanted to say, and then he was like, "yes ma'am it is up to you, you can either pay by cash or charge the bill to your room.", emphasis on the phrase that he was aware i'd forgotten.

there were eight slices, but it still hadn't seemed enough.

and look, i've got a little devil in the hotel room stalking me.

still stalking me.

and so here i am in the lobby, looking damn serious but actually webcamwhoring away.

i am still bored, man.

and still worried about the sudden disappearance of foster brother.

have i told you there's mocha flavoured milo here? it's awesome!

still bored.

still worried.

and you know. i sort of miss being somebody's baby. in terms of parents and boyfriend. admittedly. i'd been on my own for so long already. o well. as i'd said so many times before; in this life, we will always be alone.

"you will never be alone" my ass.
"believe it or not i'm not gonna leave you anymore" his ass.

so i await my white tadpole to come and melt the steel that's wrapped so damn tightly around my heart. melt or break or whatever. depends on his strength.

it's like this; between the willow and the oak tree, the one that will eventually snap and break in the storm would be the oak tree, while the willow continues to gently breeze in the wind. 

so maybe my white tadpole is gonna be someone who's like me. emotional like hell on the inside.

i love him. i love my white tadpole.

quick! update!

damn the wi-fi here is so unreliable, it's damn insecure. shall make a really quick move now that the signal's here. or maybe i'll go down to the lobby later to play.

have no idea what are my plans for today. shall i go exploring or just sit at the lobby on the comp? i dont know.

hmmmmm. what shall i do?

a little ghost story.

guess where i am? you're right! am at the country next door, good old friendly Malaysia. been exploring, am at a hotel with pretty good signal.

so i can text now. but the problem is, there's not really anybody to text. bennicker and syamirul had exchanged texts with me for awhile earlier, and then faiz tarmizi when i was having my dinner at the Zon. but that's basically it. just the usual catching up on each other's lives.

earlier on at the Zon, i had sat at the exact spot where two years ago, i had been sharing with the younger twin about a dream i had.

for as long as i can remember, i've never been in malaysia with the rain pouring as it had earlier. it was a chilly night. glad i have my foster brother's hoodie, snuggly threads all wrapped around me now. and yes, did my usual webcamwhoring earlier as well.

as you can see i hadnt been able to stay in one position. was damn restless. and i just went down to the lobby with my glasses on. i felt so exposed, i've never gone out to public wearing those glasses for so long already.

I DONT WANNA BATHE !
i dont wanna bathe i dont wanna bathe. i dont wanna bathe!!!

o and my aunt told me her own stories of hotel disturbings just now. if you remember this post?  from back in langkawi.

so my aunt's story .

back in langkawi, the rooms we had stayed in were overlooking this little village house, literally a kampung. it was adorable, real beautiful. in the daylight i would sit by the windowsill staring down at it. as you all know i really like windowsills.

my aunt told me she'd seen Cik Pon at the little village, playing on the swings, just a little after midnight. the thing had came flying towards the window, and my aunt just shut the door and ran to bed to my uncle.

my uncle hadn't seen it, but the thing kept scratching at the windows, and this the both of them had heard.

my aunt kept repeating Cik Pon's name, but she only found the courage to talk about it the next morning. the creepy thing is, i had been sleeping by the window that overlooks the village as well.

the thing actually followed my aunt home, and according to her, the weight of the thing was literally heavy upon her shoulders. she was performing her prayers one day when she just broke down and cried non-stop because of the force, and she kept seeing the thing as well.

she went to a little hotel to bathe, and threw the water outside in the sun, saying that the remnants of the presence can't be allowed into the drains. i can just imagine her and my uncle checking into the hotel room with a little tub in tow.

well, that aside. yes, am staying over at a hotel with my aunt and uncle. we had eaten at the buffet restaurant at the Zon, where i couldnt stop stuffing myself with the little strawberry cakes.

my aunt and uncle really love to pamper me a lot, it seems! i love them so much more than their combined affection for me. the man at the lobby had mistaken my uncle for my dad, but then i was like, Hm.not bad.

aunt and uncle are in their own bedroom, and here i am still up and blogging. gonna hit the sacks soon though. and yes, ain't gonna be in school tomorrow.

been speaking in Bahasa Baku today. dont worry, i am still aware that i am taking my Malay O Levels on monday.

goudennate! i had invented that word. im not sure if it's an existing word in an existing language, but o well. it shall be my way of saying goodnight for now. 

you.

i don't know what is going on. but you know i trust you with all my heart and soul. it's not that i'm dependent on you; i'm just trusting that you'd be by my side the whole time. you said so yourself.

i thought i was special to have seen you cry. i thought you were special for having been brave enough to cry.

you taught me many things. here i was, oblivious to the knowledge that the rest of the world has, blind to the fact that the younger twin isn't the only one who can teach me valuable lessons.

you showed me that. you proved it, and your hand was the only one which i'd allowed to touch me when i was drowning myself underwater. you were the only one who had the strength to pull me up to my feet, no matter how hard i resisted. and not only metaphorically, but physically too.

you had given me the confidence i'd lacked all these years. i had allowed you to pull my hair back, where you smiled into my face and whispered for me not to waste this gorgeous face.

each time i had my hair up, i would think to myself about how proud you'd be if you were around.

i worry about your well-being, and when mine isn't good, i desire running into your arms just to cry out everything that's on my mind.

the last time i'd went through all these, was during my days with the younger twin.

it's not that i'm in love with you. in fact i'm still a little shaky from the whole ordeal with that boy, that i don't dare fall in love with anyone anymore. i'm not in love with you. and i most certainly hope i am not denying it the way i had with him.

i just care for you. the night you'd cried. i wanted to protect you with all that i have. i didn't want to leave you the way the people in your life had, the way the people in my life had.

really. i don't know what is going on.

but i hope you come back soon. i await your return, and the stories you'd have with you.

in the meantime, your hoodie is still with me.