missed me?

heidiho my axes. missed me? if you miss me raise your hands up high. woah i see hands being raised all the way to Brazil. anyway, where have i been you ask? been mia for a week now, havent i?

been happy, been a blissful little girl. been studying really hard, i'm a steel-shelled snail now. really, i am.

shall one day update ya on the crazy things that'd happened this past week. am currently at Tamp lib with my cousie, and my hoodie stinks real bad. had gotten myself caught in the rain on monday, cause i stubbornly wanted to stay out watching the bridge over the canal at Sungei Api Api.

i've no idea why i was doing that actually.

so. shall update at random times these few days, but i cant guarantee you that i'd be here every single day. i will be back. dont worry about me, i've improved my emotional stability, and i'm starting to eat my meds on my own accord.

slowly but surely, i am picking myself up.

i'll be back soon. i miss my bloggie so much.

goodbye Brave Story!

 ransom notes keep falling out your mouth. mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.

heidiho my axes, i am still a blissful little girl right now. had went to my favourite neighbourhood for another solitary escapade, where i wrote about what made me so happy.

i didnt want to buy milk tea, but when i was looking at the menu nothing else really interested me, and the cashier was already like, "hello, milk tea without pearls?" which is what i always ordered there, so i just nodded blindly.

defeated, i took a seat and began writing about what happened that made me so damn happy.

i wrote solidly for 2 hours straight, 15 pages in total. i was really damn happy okay! read it back a few minutes ago, and i must admit. i truly am of literature calibre. chey, kay.

i'm so happy that i could cry.

o btw.

BOOHOO!

i've completed Brave Story. i'm done. it's done. *sniff sniff sob sob* and now i miss the game even more. well, at least i'd survived the book. took me a week, but yeah, i did it.

and, i am still a blissful little girl. that douchebag can rot at the back of my brain for all i care. the ghosts can linger all they want, they ain't got no effect on me no more, and i'm sure they'd eventually fade and be gone.

right.

*pushes red glasses up*

i am doing Maths now, on my own accord. it may be nothing to you guys, but i am very very proud of myself right now.

really. really, truly truly happy.

attention my Axes.

i have an announcement.

i, Nur E'indah Nadhirah Bte Md E'esa, am a blissful little girl right now.

i'm happy, for a very cheem reason. really. truly, truly happy. i might have gotten jilted but i've still never been this happy for so long already. in fact, i'm so happy right now that i'm going to cry.

am going on a solitary escapade now, and guess what? i ain't gonna drink milk tea, because doctor says not to. since when am i so obedient, you ask? heheh, that's what imma be writing into my diary about.

shall get back to you by tonight.

p.s i am done with Brave Story! movie version here i come. *sob* i hafta return the book now. goodbye book. *sniff sniff sob sob*

but i am still a blissful little girl right now. heheh.

more useful than you think.

i love this stats thing, it allows me to stalk bloggie's stalkers. apparently some naked mole rat had been searching 109blackaxes for any traces of his name. interesting.

I AM SO BORED .

gastric is here! ding ding ding gastric is here!

typical Sunday morning?

this morning i woke up with 11:11 flashing in my face. according to young girls' beliefs, seeing 11:11 randomly means that someone misses you.

here i am now, sitting at the dining table with my comp while my mom sits there with the newspaper. i've got a cuppa lukewarm milk tea by my side as i'm typing away, my wrist threatening to knock it off each time my finger flies to the backspace key.

it is a normal Sunday morning after all.

unfortunately i'm still unable to remember last night's dream (or more like this morning's since i only fell asleep at 4am) but o well, there's a high chance that it'll all slowly come back to me by this afternoon.

so what else have we got to talk about right now?



heh. this song. i remember it! i've forgotten how i got to know it though.

so i watched the Taiwanese live adaptation of Absolute Boyfriend, and i must say, i'm truly disappointed with the way they portray Riiko. and the whole setting had been changed, it's not fun when they ain't in high school anymore. bah.

the thing that silences me the most is the actor they chose to play Night. when i saw the dude from fahrenheit i'm like What the hell! of all people?

i am left with less than a hundred pages of Brave Story, which i'm excited to get over and done with so i can get started on a new book tomorrow. but really, it still saddens me to even think about completing the book. o well. all good things must indeed come to an end.

well that sucks, but i must say, i think emotionally i'm kind of improving. as for physically, far from it. couldnt manage to eat much this morning because after one bite, i already had the tummy ache going. must have been the milk tea.

i know i know, the doctor had told me to avoid milk, but i still stubbornly drank milk tea, like, almost every day since the trip to the doc. i can't help it, it's like a way to drown my sorrows.

i have got an appointment today. good.

i think i'm going to watch some movies from my childhood now.

Waiting in a Shell.

personally, i think the only thing in life that we're waiting for is death. after all, it's the only thing that we're sure will come. we don't think about it but it's irrevocable. our parents don't say it but they know it from the day we were born.

truly, in our life we only await that one thing. in the meantime, we do all that humans are apparently supposed to, such as breathe, eat, laugh, cry, fall sick, fall in love, fall.

these emotions are just games to occupy ourselves while waiting for death to take us. our bodies are truly nothing but shells, borrowed for our soul to take residence in during this lifetime.

so really, appearances doesnt matter shit as long as you still have your soul. after all, your body's just a loan. there's no requirement for compatibility or whatever not.

just because you're sadist doesn't mean you have to scowl and wear black all the time. just because you're a sweet person doesn't mean you gotta wear pink and flowers in your hair. why, what's wrong with sadists wearing neon skirts?

oookkkay, this bitch here being a sadist now. Sheep! where are you? *sticks smiley face sticker on forehead*

someone who isn't The Boy.

i'm left with less than a hundred pages of Brave Story! had spent my afternoon at Tamp lib reading. i saw this adorable Malay guy who looked so damn engrossed in his graphic novel. i can't help feeling attracted to him because of the fact that he's on his own at the library.

i've no idea how long i'd spent at the library reading and eventually writing, before making my way to Tamp 1's Urban Write to look at all the beautiful notebooks. got myself milk tea after that, sat by the benches and sipped while writing some more.

some eons later met with Nazriq and then mom, ate Qi Ji, good old rice. fortunately i had been able to finish my food without any problems in my tummy.

gallivanted off on my own when we went to the pasar malam, and i found one of the stalls selling notebooks! of course, hadn't bought any although they were like super cheap. ooohhhhh how i love stationery.

so that's how my Saturday had went. i'd kept thinking it's Sunday today, but nope! we still have got one more day of the weekend tomorrow don't we?

what's my plans for tomorrow you ask? hopefully both 'Irfan noorhalim and i would be free to meet up. admittedly i have been looking forward to talking with him, cause it's been eons. i wouldn't want my past with The Boy to be a barrier from my friendship with the older twin.

back in those days, back in 2009, the older twin had been the one who reached out to me first, physically and metaphorically. but really, i've never felt any kind of feelings for him before, no attraction, no hate.

this is bad, isn't it? o well.

after Brave Story, i've got 5 more books to speed-read. first 2 are Steel Trapp and The Silence of Murder, which due date is the day after Brave Story's. after that we have got The Boy Who Could Fly, followed by The Long Wait For Tomorrow and finally The Stastistical Probability of Love at First Sight.

excited to read all those books, but saddened by the fact that i have to be done with Brave Story first.

i'm so sad right now, and it's not because of The Boy.

i just realised, it's been awhile since i wrote smileys in my diary and bloggie.

somehow, i'm counting on that someone to pull me out of this despair. someone who isn't The Boy.

more in my diary, i shall chiao now.

Oxen.

i had the strangest dream ever.

but i dont remember anything about it, maybe thats why it's strange. because i felt like i've been on the most topsy turvy roller coaster in the whole world a million times.

so anyway, how are you my axes? sorry if i havent been blogging a lot as of late. i've been out writing in my notebook diary, because i really can't wait to complete it.

and not only that, i'm also ultra preoccupied with none other than Brave Story.

its due date is on wednesday, and then after that i've still gotta speed read 2 more books which is due the day after. unfortunately i seem to be taking my time with Brave Story on purpose because i really can't bear to finish reading about Wataru's adventures.

i'm metaphorically blind. really, all i see is The Boy returning. too blinded to notice that i'm drowning in too deep, and i dont see the hands reaching out to me.

when i do feel these hands, though, all i do is push them away. eventually, when i keep struggling, i'll realise that i do need the help to be pulled back to the surface.

*silence* actually, to summarize this shit, i'm being stubborn.

of course, nobody apart from my grandma can pierce through this stubbornness of mine. as The Boy used to call me back in 2010, a Stubborn Ox.

the plural for ox is oxen. cool, i like that.

Sheep.

i just went to elias mac today. hadnt felt too well to go further than that. spent the time writing til my bro finished his tuition, bought myself some smiley face stickers.

there is yet another mysterious grumbling in my tummy. mommy's cooked nasi lemak but i'm waiting for her to come home before i eat. if i have the appetite, that is.

you know, i feel kind of sad if i were to be done with Brave Story. after all, i've followed Wataru so far, across his life and Vision, that i feel kind of sad just thinking about dropping the book back at the library.

but its due date is in a few days.

maybe meeting with 'Irfan noorhalim the day after tomorrow. once again, when i was at mac, i wrote a lot about him. hmm. am i missing something?

i cannot wait to complete the notebook i'm currently writing in, although i just started on it. the reason is simple, that very notebook already has memories on its own when it was just blank.

i missed speech day.

you know. i'm metaphorically blind, aren't i?

jumping from one lily pad to another.

i love notebooks i love notebooks i love notebooks
i hate school i hate school i hate school
i love milk tea i love milk tea i love milk tea

let's make that move.
*edit codes*
are they moving?

anyway. i see Haikal dood posting many statuses about moving on. for examples:

If you're going to be stuck in the past, there's no way you're gonna handle the future.

Forget your ex, just find the next.

Hai, going back to your ex won't make you happier. The part that I said accepting for who you are? I was wrong. You need to change.

the last one had been directed at me as proven by the comment he left at his own status, which's my very own Fb name. and, we have yet to do our videography stuff, me helping him with his covers and him helping me with my MV.

i have a new friend! he's called Sheep. i bought many copies of him, and he's gonna be everywhere in my life, constantly smiling at me especially when i am being sadist.

just look at the bastard, smiling like he has all the happiness in the world. don't you love him already?

and yes, he's called Sheep.

no, there's no cheem reason for that. he's just called Sheep because when i was thinking of a name for him, i was staring at my sheep bookmark.

over the years.

Wataru has found his second gemstone! 300 more pages to go.

woke up in the morning with a horrible aching in my tummy, and i could barely move. before that, in my sleep, someone was telling me to run, and to never stop. i can remember neither who nor why.

now, i shall research stomach cancer. know the enemy to conquer the enemy.

*three minutes later*

there's bloody a lot of cheem words. i give up.

but i get the gist, having the symptoms of stomach cancer is a possibility of having just stomach ulcer. ah, aku tak faham ah. kau baca sendiri la. here .

you know, if The Boy was still here, he would be the one doing all the research for me.

heck, i wouldn't even have all this because i would have listened to him and eaten my medicine.

believe it or not my mom had asked me this morning if i'd like to go to the doctor. my reaction to that was just a glare and a telepathic it's too late! 

been listening once again to the soundtrack of Brave Story. after all these years. o! i'd like to point out something. during my psp days, i hadnt even met The Boy.

look what i found, from 2008.

what would i give to turn back time.

a few mornings ago, i was staring at my reflection with the clock behind me. i suddenly had this crazy idea which i put into action. guess what i did, i took down the clock and literally tried to turn back time.

i was counting the rounds i made with the clock hands, careful not to lose the dates, if you get what i mean.

nothing happened. i was still on the same day.

this was from more than two years ago.

haix.

come on, this shall be an Over The Years Special.

year 2009.

year 2010.

plenty of pictures with The Boy there. haix.

forget about 2011. it pains me. i shall go continue with Brave Story now.

Mr Syafie and Mrs Sherri.

right after morning assembly, my home tutor told me that mr syafie's looking for me. and the day hadn't even started but i'd already gotten suspended from class. again.

mrs woo came along and she said i have got talent (talking about my cheering comp vid) even though still a bit amateur, but got a little hint of professionalism. heh.

ms adimah came and was telling me about writing diaries, you can write all the negative things in it but at the end of the day you still have to say something positive about it. she was in the midst of giving me an example when she realised she was late for her next class. which was our english class.

mr syafie called me from afar, and told me to sit. i was like, uhm aren't you supposed to be in english now? and he's like, sarcastically, YES. and i'm like, uhm.

had a long chat, with mrs sherri coming along the way and joining, and there we were, talking and talking about life. i'd cried at one point, but the reason shall be a secret.

and some funny parts too, when they sang the song, and mr syafie's "three hours 60 minutes", mrs sherri was like, "4 hours lah bodoh, where got 3 hours 60 minutes!"

it's damn touching, and at one point they said: "6 more months and we'll be out of your lives." somehow, that really saddens me. all these years, i've always been getting myself into trouble with them over my hair and stubbornness to clip it up.

hm. i think i have different views about school now.

so anyway, i'd bumped into some stuff i had written two years ago. i really wrote a lot of songs for The Boy even then. the memories.

kay, i shall go write in my own diary about some other stuff now.

adventures!

heidiho. what happened to me yesterday you ask? another adventure, that's what!

yeah, a trouble adventure.

__________________________________
it's recess, and i'm struggling to get out of the crowd after buying my strawberry tea. finally i am, breathing in the air but i have barely loosened the bottle cap when i hear my name being called. uh-oh. it's mr syafie, and he's yelling, "e'indah, clip up your hair right now!"

i turn my back against him and walk away, but he chases after me and continues, voice raising, "clip up your hair NOW! you look TERRIBLE!"

he practically walks me over to the sinks, where i stare at the mirrors hovering above. the discipline master watches me admiring my reflection, until finally he comes over and asks, "why do you want to look like that, E'indah?"

i don't answer. i'm too busy wondering why my eyebrows are so messy. mr syafie loses his patience i think, because he is asking the same question again and again without waiting for me to answer. "are you going to clip up your hair? are you going to clip up your hair or not?"

well, it's a question, so i answer truthfully, "nope."

he asks me to repeat. the request was polite, so i obligingly repeat that one word. "nope."

he stares at me. i automatically offer, "just give me detention lah." damn, he looks really pissed off right now. he opens his eyes wide and practically screams, "i'm not even going to send you to class, you go to the office right now, and your conduct grade is doing down!"

not even halfway through his mash-up of three sentences at one go, and i'm already walking to the office direction. obediently, i bravely add. some of the juniors are staring at me, and i just want to punch their faces out right now. stop staring at me!, the inside of my head screams.

nonetheless, i remain emotionless surface-wise and sits at my make-up bridging desk. the last time i was here, i had been excited about shopping trip to bugis with The Boy and his twin. the memories really hurts.

as time passes, more and more memories return. come back! come back! but i know he would not. not now, anyway.

mr syafie comes along every now and again, asking whether i am ready to clip up my fringe or not. i am in a daze, so he is completely disregarded. where is The Boy? has he eaten? he's so handsome. he can't eat eggs. when is he coming home?

i end up missing up to 5 hours of lessons, but i just go O well.

the bell for 3.50 goes off, and POOF! i am a ninja now. i tiptoe towards the general office and peek over the corner. enemy is spotted, distracted by other students. i take the chance to dash past, and that i do. dash, i'm a ninja!

like slow motion, i see the discipline master staring at me from the conference room. i smile and casually walk from the tower to the bus stop, joining the other students huddle together to shelter from the splattering rain.

_______________________
as for today, i had gone to detention after school obediently. the teacher there was none other than my home tutor mrs cheryl chew, and she asked for my blue slip, which i had completely forgotten.

i was quietly doing my writing like a good girl but mr syafie had to keep coming and telling me to clip up my fringe, and i'm like aku buat kerja sendiri pun nak kacau. the second time he told me, he gave me an hour extra detention.

and then the fourth time, he said i'd better go to the office or he'd suspend me from school tomorrow. haiii.

anyway, i went solitary escapade today. to bedok, i really like it there! o and Man at the Taxi Stand, still no signs of him. hmm......

camwhored with syazana in the toilet earlier. my childhood friend, heh.

ripping out the feelings used to hold me into place. breaking out the structures i'd unfold at my disgrace. i'm digging deeper to lay my misery down into the water so that it may drown. a grey so dark, it moves in silence and kills again. A Grey So Dark, Trivium.

and no, i hadn't met with 'Irfan noorhalim today. maybe friday. imma force him to bring me up on the seashell pavillion like he and The Boy had nearly three years ago. attack, because i am a cheetah. he gonna get me up there or else.

hehe. bye.

p.s i wrote a lot about, tadah, 'Irfan noorhalim in my diary today. but no, no matter what, i have never had any form of attraction towards him.

Better Late Than Never.

gastric pains had came at 4 in the morning, and the very first person i had texted was 'Irfan noorhalim, practically begging him to listen to what i have to say asap.

the pain increasingly got unbearable, and for a cheem reason i ended up texting everyone a "Help." i couldn't stop crying and i was curled into a ball looking really pathetic.

hadnt wanted to go to school, but my parents had to come along and beat the shit out of me just because they dont believe that i was sick.

walked all the way to school, making it just a little after humans started, i think. phone was receiving lots of texts but hadn't replied any of them, and then mrs sherri had to keep asking me questions when i had no mood to talk at all.

she called me after class and asked what happened and whether i was unwell so i managed a nod and she felt my forehead. damn, when had been the last time someone did that? couldn't help it so i cried.

when sabrina passed me the bracelet during mother tongue, it made me cry more.

during recess, was making my way to the gym when i heard yao wei calling me to join them eat, but i was like no appetite and just made my way to the gym. was feeling damn sleepy so straightway lied down to sleep.

that was when i kept crying non-stop, like really non-stop. and i couldnt stop whining either, literally making those pathetic little sounds. took out the bracelet and ring from around my neck and stared at them both, just crying and sobbing and calling.

was falling asleep when i heard some voices, laughing and coming nearer. i jerked awake and sat straight, and there were some guys from 4/2 by the gym door looking at me laughing away. i was like What, never seen a human sleep before? bloody hell.

so anyway, had walked home after school cause i hadnt wanted to wait for the bus at the crowded bus stop, but i was afraid of bumping into The Boy if i took bus from central. so i ended up walking all the way home from school.

and damn it hurts, my head was throbbing and i see them ghosts everywhere.

had a nap, woke up feeling like i just went on a roller coaster for some reason, but i couldnt remember my dreams. went to tamp and bought myself a notebook with "Better Late Than Never" on its cover.

and that is why i still have hope for his coming back.

"home"town.

ow, my head still hurts a lot from the blows this morning. nngh. i have an explanation but we'll get to that when i feel like it.

anyway: this hometown sucks. i cannot wait to get the shit out of Pasir Ris. or better still, i can't wait to get the fuck out of this life. "all good things come to those who wait" indeed. and "believe it or not i am not going to leave you anymore" my ass.

that douchebag.

i'll share with ya my today tonight or somewhere along the line. i'm fucking thirsty right now.

Brave Story.

i just had a movie marathon with myself, a Nicolas Cage marathon. i think Knowing was cool, but it was a bit merepek. and National Treasure 2 was so full of Illuminati stuff, e.g. New World, Mason, Secret Society. i was playing a little mini game while watching it, searching for all the signs.

and that's how my Sunday morning had went.

somebody has been reading my 2008 posts. 

i shall do a little bit of writing in my diary these few days, because it's filing up pretty soon, and i'm already excited to get started on a new notebook.

you know, i'm still pondering over what to tell 'Irfan noorhalim. i'd like to ask him "How are you?" first, but he'd probably say something like "Cut to the chase, i don't have much time." unless i specifically tell him not to before he has the chance.

so. i am bored.

once i'm done with Floors, i can finally get started on Brave Story, Bureibu Sutori. damn i really miss that game. i'd nearly completed the whole thing already.



aww damn i remember that half-cat girl. yuno. and the chick with long dark hair. i remember them, oh how i miss that game so much.

what is your brave story? 

gastric.

the gastric's still here, and i think it is still the flu, not the ulcer.

not yet at least.

but i still refuse to take care of myself. i ain't gonna take medicine, and i'm still gonna drink milk tea as much as i want and eat fried stuff if i even feel like eating.

i'm just letting you all know, so don't even try and tell me not to do this this this that that that. i don't want to listen to anyone else. only The Boy can make me eat my medicine. in more ways than one.

Changi Airport. /Bedok

i just went on another solitary escapade. thought i'd explore a new neighbourhood, but i hadnt done that. i explored Changi Airport, and then Bedok Town Centre again.

had walked around T3, including staring at aeroplanes at the viewing plaza, before settling down at Dunkin Donuts. it was unusually crowded today, because i've never been on escapades during the weekend. the booth i usually sat at was occupied, unfortunately.

bought my iced coffee and sat at another table, writing and writing and writing. halfway through had a text from 'Irfan noorhalim, and maybe--maybe--he'd be able to make time to meet with me this wednesday evening.

oh, and i discovered something about myself. you know how some people specialise in music, while others in art, or sports, or sciences, or whatever. guess what i am? i'd like to say that my specialty is in literature.

sounds nice isnt it? i'm not art, definitely, despite having always thought that i am. after all, i only started drawing in, like, primary 5?

yeah kay. i hadnt gone to the other terminals today, just stayed within the third. went to the mrt station and was about to place 5 bucks and my ez link card on the counter, when i read the sign at the window which said: "NO TOPPING UP OF EZ LINKS HERE".

made my way to bedok next, bumping into Syeera along the way. chatted about our other colleagues for a bit before making my way off. 

once again the Man at the Taxi Stand wasnt there today. strange. met the cat with the Moon Rotating Earth eyes though.

did a beat of reading at the library, i've started on Floors some days back, it's about the janitor's son exploring the hotel they work at, because the late owner had left some puzzles for him to solve.

so yes, that is how my saturday had went.

to hell with everyone.

i am not. crazy . i dont need anyone's help with anything. at all.

dirty words and anger.

i fucking dreamt of the douchebag again, and this time he'd given me a notebook where he wrote his feelings in. on the cover is a graffiti art of my name which he had drawn.

he doesnt know all that he's causing me. this is not normal anymore, haikal dood keeps saying things like"everyone eventually thinks of their ex, it's okay, you'll get over it" and blah blah bloody blah like he really understands the situation i am in. and then he's like, oh, "i really want to help you but i really don't know how."

i hate everyone. i really hate everyone. as long as you're in my sight there's bound to be something about you that irritates me. all of you.

even when i am on solitary escapades, the freaking people in front of me walk damn bloody slow, especially those certain families walking like they own all the space in the world. jalan sudahlah lembap, jalan tengah-tengah dunia pula tu.

and yet those who are rushing, just have to hit onto my freaking right shoulder of all places. and when i am about to tap my freaking ez link card on the bus, the moron behind me always had to tap his when i'm the one who's next to the card reader. bloody hell, tak tahu sabar keper?

you know what irritates me the most? couples on escalators. minahs who ogle their eyes at me and talk in malay about my dressing, thinking i am a chinese. people who don't silence their phones in libraries.

bloody hell, only Bedok Town Centre doesn't consist of all these irritants. and not many people from pasir ris, so i won't bump into anyone i know, cause it'll just irritate me more.

i shall go explore a different neighbourhood today.

know why God made The Boy to be a douchebag? because he's the younger twin. God's only giving him reason to be hated and be murdered, because the younger one always dies. there hadn't been any need for The Boy to be made. at all. 'Irfan noorhalim was enough.

how ironic. The Boy had been the one to have saved me when i was about to kill myself back on the 2nd of November. but now, he's the one driving me into insanity. be it i die or he gets killed, it's still irony. isn't it funny? laugh!

i am crying right now.

you're right, who cares? everyone's asleep. clique hates me. the love of my life doesn't know all that he'd done to me.

i'm so sad. i'm really, really, really.

sad.