hello! been a while since i wrote abt my day. i shall do tht right now.

today, went to sch and then it started to get chaotic cos everyone was moving to the hall for morning assembly. waited for siying before making our way , then blah3, sec 4s had to sit in front, confirm cos of national anthem stuffs haha .

hm. not much ah , exam stuffs. at the end of it, syafie was like, sec 4s and 5s had to stay back, then the whole area where i was at moaned like shit. sian ah , kept talking abt our national exams and how we're running outta time blah3.

i was a good girl in art today . did my mindmap and sat there at the corner doing my sketches. hehe. kept looking at the opposite buildings cos looking for my khairul.

recess, i didnt want to eat cos wanted to share the hunger with him. he didnt bring money, but didnt want to borrow from me. but he told me to go eat, and in the end he won.

aft tht was physics, and we were late! we were walking at the parade sq when the bell rang, and i was like, "shit! we're late! we're late!" then like exaggerate lah, but i didnt rush for class either. and we all ended up late and getting lectured.

aft tht was one period of maths, which was relief cos ms huang didnt come. i did geog since i totally forgot to bring any maths stuff (apart from calcu) and then halfway asleah wanted to go toilet , so i just Followed her.

lunch, then mother tongue. mt was supposed to be slack cos there was no teachas relief-ing us for the rest of the year. so the 4NA malay peeps were like gathered tgt happily playing games when suddenly , 4/3's CL teacha came in.

she told 4/3 malay peeps to go back class , which they reluctantly did aft farhan and faiz tried to argue. then we continued playing, and like around 10 or 15 mins later, tht CL teacha came back -___- we were like, "alamak..."

this time we really argued like shit sia.voices were rising and everyone was just Joining in the argument. baik sey! but in the end we gave in. then all of us walked back to 4/2 classroom. we tried to loiter but she was watching from the 4th level -.-

we like homeless kids eh. thts one way to summarize the situation, kesian kan?

slacked with asleah and siying during 2nd period of mother tongue. i laughed a lot, but cant rmb why. i love those two, heh. then english, went comp lab to play as well :D

in other words, if we had just Gone home aft maths , our time would have been better spent -_-

during english funny sey. everyone was like damn kecoh sia. hm, then aft the last bell for the day rang, went to wait for my khai at the bus stop to go home tgt. talked random stuff at bus stop, then on the bus.

then went to his lepak place and kissed, and during tht final hug for the day , i wanted to cry. yes, it did feel like a long time ago. we progressed so much :D

oh yes. when i was walking home, a leaf dropped from its tree, and it floated right in front of me as it was falling. i watched it ah. i watched the wind blow it to the road divider. and the leaf got stuck there. it wasnt able to go over tht wall, but it still kept slamming itself against tht wall with the help from the wind.

but eventually, the wind just Stopped blowing.
and the leaf was stuck there, for the rest of its little life.

i was sad. i almost cried on the spot, but i just Started walking again, and told myself not to cry. so i didnt.

tonight, im sleeping in the dark. with the lights off and the door shut. i'll turn off the fan, put on socks, three layers of clothing, blankie over me, and curl like a foetus.

let's make believe tht i've never even been born yet... cos life was so simple.

first impressions really matter a lot. the world was beautiful when u first saw it. opening up ur eyes, was like, was like. it's indescribable. it's amazing . it's irreplaceable.

but u had to grow up. life had to show its true colours. it got ugly. it got unbearable. it became a monster. it was rainbows and sunshine at first, but it's become the dark alley in the wee hours aft midnight. why?

k, im upset.
my diary's not with me, so imma just Make do with my bloggie. i'm writing a letter to Muhammad Naqib E'zuwan.

dear older brother of mine,

you. are my older brother. yet, why do you not treat me like ur younger sister? when was the last time we had a hearty conversation full of smiles and laughs? yes, i dont remember too.

u used to make fun of me all the time. u used to laugh at me when i got scolded by mom. u used to smack me when i did smth wrong. u used to teach me maths. u used to play childish games with me. u used to tell me super lame jokes.

in other words, u used to love me.

when was the last time u appreciated my presence? i've wished u happy birthday every year, be it via mom or dad or cards slipped under ur bedroom door. i dont rmb having failed to wish u being one year older. only once.

idk why u changed. u had a girlfriend. ur hits got harder and harder. you became silent. u shut urself in ur room all day. at night, u shifted to ur own room aft years of sleeping next to me.

shit. right now, all the memories flashing in my head. i must have barely been 9. i'd like to list out all the memories i rmb right now, but they're too large in amt. and i'd rather u rmb those times on ur own rather than i remind u.

when was the last time i called u my bro? i dont rmb. we addressed each other as aku kau. i dont rmb being called Adik by you anymore too. only our little nazriq is addressed as tht in this house, but thts another story .

....i really really miss you. u're letting ur friends affect ur relationship with us; ur family. why? come on lah. i know u're way smarter than tht sey. i know tht u know how much we love you. u just Forced urself to forget. idk what makes u think our parents dont love you. they love u like hell.

i love you like hell. i love you like fuck. i miss you like fuck.
please regard me as your sister again please?
please regard us as your family again please?
please ?

i love him a lot .
but i know i aint trying hard enough.

he's apathetic. i just Know it. i can sense tht he wants to leave, very very soon. and i'm scared. why do people become more clumsy when they're scared ? oh yes, they shiver so much tht they just Become butterfingers. dont you think so?

but i shouldnt be like tht... the more scared i am , the more i must have the courage to replace this fear.

i miss him . i want him by my side right now. though i know he's alr given up on me... i still love him.

the Girl with the Strange Dreams .

i found an old notebook of mine. here's a complete story tht i wrote in it, dated 28th october 2010.
------------------------------------------
She's always having dreams.

In those dreams, strange things always happen. Last night she saw butterflies that looked like prawns. The night before, there were billions of green stars outside her bedroom window. Right now she's telling me about her latest dream, the one she had last night.

She says cats were being kidnapped by one male feline, and it even told its motive to her. She can't remember that part - not yet at least. She told me all traces of her dreams would vanish upon her waking up. These 'memories' always return to her slowly, at times it took months. Years, even.

The other day she was just telling me that she suddenly recalled a dream she had when she was a child. She knew it was a dream she had then, because "all the keywords were similar", according to her. (though i do not know what that means)

Ever since I've known her, she's always doing strange things herself. Sometimes when she's talking to someone, she would suddenly stop her sentence and stare at the sky, as if thinking something.

It does seem kind of normal, but what mystifies me is the fact that she always does it in the middle of her conversation with someone. I did ask about it once, but as usual, i didn't understand her answer. I never did: She told me that she had a "deja vu-ic instinct" coming from her surroundings. But she didn't want to "recall an old dream", so she looked at the sky to avoid looking at the "deja vu Spot". That way, she wouldn't get the "Dream Headache".

The other day she was just telling me that she dreamt of me. She said that we were lying in the middle of a parking lot with four other friends, and we were watching the stars.

Of course, that wasn't the only time she had dreamt of me. She once said that I offered chocolate lollipops to everyone except for her, and before that, she told me a strange conversation we had together about one of the four friends.

"What was his answer?"

"Don't know."

"He rejected?"

"The opposite."

"He accepted?"

"Don't know."

She told me that her favourite dream was the one where she was waiting at the train station platform. She had waited for a very long time, and train after train took and left passengers, but whatever or whoever she was waiting for never came.



She stops.

"What's wrong?" I ask. But she remains wordless and continues looking up into the sky. And then she says, "The male cat told me that it wanted to "continue its breed". That's why it only kidnapped the female tortoiseshells."

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-the Girl with the Strange Dreams-

quick update !

i've got guests!

today's my mom's birthday , went out in the morn to buy her pressie and cake. met khai when i was done, cos turned out tht he was able to join me! so blah3, bought him cookies, he was like so damn happy to have had received them. heh.

walked to bus interchange to take 81, talking and laughing all the way, abt random stuff. and then on the bus, chit chatted also. he was like a hyper baby boy sia! haha, i also missed him anywayys, so i knew how he felt lah.

alighted at his house, he went to take the gift tht he bought for me last night. it was an angry bird thumbdrive! with a sweet note, so touching sey. cos our 3rd month was on friday the 9th. hehe.

my mom literally screamed when i gave her the wallet! damn, i should have recorded her reaction. priceless! i said it was from all 3 of us, me and my bros, which was so not true -_- but i had to , cos all of us are her children aft all . should have seen the blur looks on my bros' faces when my mom thanked them. haha.

weeeeell. i really hope maya would come. i really really miss her. i hope we can sleepover aft our national exams, she's like taking her Os and i'm like having my Ns. sigh.

oh have i told u how my first few papers went !? haha , surprisingly it went well. yes, including my ss. hhe, so proud lah. hmm. kk, gg off now. goodbye!

i'm sorry. it's all tht i can say.
you mean so much, and i'd fix all tht i've done, if i could start again.
throw it all away into the shadows of regret, and you would have the best of me.

stuff tht i've done for you.

the things tht i have done for you , never in my entire life have i done all tht for anyone before . when u walked away from me , at first i went straight on home. but when i got to my gate, i turned back and ran aft you. i didnt bother abt my mom, yelling at me as it was nearly buka, or the lorries tht were like horning at me. i just Ran, cos all i wanted was to get to you.

my stamina is low, i nearly blacked out literally like halfway . but i just Ran and ran . i'm still stunned at how fast i ran tht day.

today i did the same. we had guests . my dad was coming home. but i still wanted to see you. i dodged cars, i didnt stop to pet any cats. i ran shortcuts, i skipped steps up the stairs. and today was a heavy day , if u get what i mean (for girls) .

i was thirsty , but i didnt have any money on me. i was sleepy, and i almost fell asleep on the cc floor while waiting for you. when u were there, i refrained myself from punching the wall , cos i alr promised u tht i wouldnt.

and then i followed u wherever u went. ive never done tht before. ive never followed anyone tht persistently when they're angry before. and it was risky as my dad could have been passing by anytime. but i didnt care, i just Followed .

then you turned around. you told me to go home. i didnt. you kept telling me to go home, and i kept refusing. a moment of silence later, you said, "if you love me, you go home now."

i obediently did. without any arguement. and i did went home straight. didnt loiter else where, which was smth i usually would have done.

a horrible cookie....

shit, i forgot to blog abt last night's dream.
for once in a super long time for all i can rmb, i slept early :D and i didnt wake up in the middle of the night! had a long dream, which many things i can rmb right now .

hm, but i dont rmb order.

ok, i just Rmb being at hhome with a few guests from my mother's side. no actually i only rmb kak siti. and in the dream, spike was actually her cat originally O: kk, then we were like slacking at the kitchen when i saw a kitten hanging at the window.

i was like, omg what is it dg there, and then i took it down. it was an orang tabby, its fur was damn bloody soft. i rmb it running its paws up and down my chest as i was carrying it. and then spike came in pulak.

kak siti teros took spike and embraced it and started saying stuff like, "ive not seen u in such a long time!" , and then i rmb telling myself "hard to believe tht she's really spike's original owner." and then i went into my room.

there were a buncha cookies on the table. my mom was there, she told me to try the one tht looks like snowballs. for as long as i can rmb, tht was the very first time i ever tasted smth in my dream. and damn tht cookie was horrible, truth be told. there was sugar and salt. xP

i sat at my desk, where my comp was turned on. saw tht khai had MSN-ed me. he had told me to go down like an hour ago. i replied, "ok can" and then i just Rushed out of the house again and i rmb gg to this place which i cant identify .

kk, thts all tht i rmb. for now.
sad thing is tht, i forgot what i remembered this morning.

TOMORROW.

tmrw is first N levels written paper . i'm damn scared. damn bloody the scared. and damn bloody stressed, cos the day aft is ss. im so glad tht khai decided to blaja tgt tmrw :D today i've been juggling malay, ss, and english. cos those are all the sept papers .

i've decided to just Give my best for ss . imma depend on my geog to pull up my humans. not tryna say tht i will anyhow do my ss on tuesday ah. i did study ok. wont completely neglect ss lah. english and malay considerably cleared ah.

k then the october papers. geog, phy, chemy, maths, art. art no problemo, ive got all my stuff alr. chemy is ok, just Have to memorize some formulas and run thru some stuff as revision. physics , better do some more stuff , idk why my prelims results were so bad.

which leaves me with maths. i was damn happy abt passing my prelims sia, serious shit. but im still worried abt it. hope i can maintain tht kind of results ah. or maybe higher. damn it lah. i aim distinctions for all the subjects can? i really2 wanna go sec 5 sia.

ah fuck. i really wanna punch the wall right now. but i cant. alr told him i wont. still, im damn pissed. at what or who, idk. most probz me. fuck. fuck sia. FUCK .

i've been studying very hard. and i cried a lot last night. all i wanted was to see his face so i can get tht radiance to re-energize me... his smile is my only source of energy. really. so it disappoints me tht i got up early, forced myself not to fall back asleep , but for nothing.

i'm not complaining.
i'm saying out my feelings to make me feel better .

and i'm trying not to sulk. i'm trying to make it seem like it's ok. cos it should be, or not i'd be causing him problems again. ok, it's ok. doesnt matter tht i've got to go back to studying with the limited strength i have left.

nvm , two days ago, celebrated teacha day at sch. too lazy to update the little details, so here are some pics .







last night dream awesome shit. i had a shotgun. a bloody shotgun. and i was shooting zombies. i saw hizan, as in he was also shooting. got a lot others who were shooting but i dont rmb ah. only rmb him. cos i helped shoot a zombie tht was abt to attack him haha .

k dah. sudah malas.

random updates .

5th sept - malay paper 1/2
6th sept - malay paper 3 , ss
7th sept - english paper 1/2

less than a week away , and i'm damn, damn scared... i need someone to hold my hands right now. had a nightmare abt english n level earlier on during my nap. i ran out of time... i didnt complete it on time. and i loitered most of the time. i wasted my time.

kk. nvm , this is not important. on the other hand, i had another dream where i freaking passed my bloody humans. tht dream can come true. it's all up to me. i'm gonna make tht dream come true i tell you.

guess what? my PS3 is damn gorgeous. but no matter how alluring it is , im not gonna allow it to seduce me. aint gonna fall for its trap, nono. hands off the controller and hands on the textbook pages.

i kinda dont like the fact tht khai has an ex. damn jealous. and i have the feeling he's like losing interest.

wow, this post damn random.

raya !

ytd was raya! but me damn lazy to post abt the details , so here is the very last photo i took .



my curls gone alr lah, haha.

kinda lazy to edit ytd's footages. in fact i'm too lazy to do anything today. edit? lazy. study? lazy. smosh? lazy. eat? lazy. go out? lazy. blackout? hm, maybe. aaand, the only thing which i feel like doing is to go sch at 6 to fetch my baby.

oh yeah, i aint in sch. hahaha. didnt feel like gg. like kinda regret though, idk why. i feel like im missing out on smth.me have been writing in diary these days. to fill it up . hahaha. eh damn, im bored lah sia.



yupp, tht's my brother.

today was awesome. only khairul and i know why (:

but still, love does hurts. my back still pain sia. and my upper lip has a bruise on it, feels like a bruise too. and i almost cried when he had to go.

ahhh..... khairul irfan always makes my day haha . and my nights. yeahhhhhh~
smth only for us to know!

N levels.

khai fell asleep and i'm still waiting for him to wake up. pretty bored right now.

i tell u, i'm damn scared abt my N levels. it's less than 2 weeks away. first there's mother tongue, followed by english then ss. yes, bloody ss. i'm starting to dislike it. maths is ok if compared to ss. serious shit.

the rest of the class is falling behind in english. i seriously worry for them. yes, khai told me to worry abt myself first, but still, i cant help it. they're my classmates. i feel responsible since i'm like almost always the top english student in 4/2. sigh, i feel so useless.

k it's alright. right now, i'm focusing on my ss. i just Completed a practice paper for maths though. my results were horrible. really need someone to revise with. asleah needa teach me the sec 4 and 3 stuff, and then i'll need khai with the lower sec stuff.

hm, aside from tht, i guess my sciences are pretty ok? although my physics prelims results really shocked me. chemistry is also alright. except if the question gets too cheem.

ppl have been saying tht n level difficulty level alternates every year. they said last year's was easy, so most probs this year's gonna be very difficult. i'm damn scared.

but s'ok. i know i can do it. so i will. i will go to sec 5, i wanna take O levels. and then i wanna go to poly aft tht. bloody hell. i want this so much.

shortest sch day eva!

earlier on khai pushed me into the dark classroom and attempted to close the door behind me. he did it as a joke , but it seriously seriously scared me. and now i'm getting flashbacks. i dont wanna rmb. it's been more than a year.

k takpe. next!

went sch with khairul today , he lent me his hoodie! damn warm, he's right. but maybe cos it's his, tht's why it was warm hahaha. it was raining , so didnt walk and didnt sit at friday table. went to 2nd floor mt classroom instead , to slack.

got puddle! damn huge. khai told me to jump but i tried to resist. serious sia, tht room had like 3 major temptations! but one couldnt cos he fasting haha. and another cannot cos i wasnt angry. then the last cannot, cos i mature alr .

when i turned on the fan and khai pointed out smth, i seriously couldnt resist the 3rd temptation. in the end i did it haha. damn bloody awesome! then khai pecked me on the lips also . haha. yay! then sempat cuddle, haha.

today i didnt receive letter from him though, sad. but guess what! during cme ms junainah said tht 2/1 wrote us encouraging letters. damn bloody sweet! then aft tht we all had to write our own to our classmates .

it's like , ms junainah randomly gave us names. i got nicholas , which was ok cos i'm kinda close to him. wrote my encouragement... fyi he always gives me encouragement u know. he's damn bloody nice.

so folded it and placed it in the box. and then ms juaninah gave them all out. guess from whom mine is from !? nicholas! haha. sweet , so coincidence. he didnt write his name though, but i recognized his handwriting.

k then was maths. started off with yet another class caning, i think my emotions towards this numbed eons ago, cos some idiots from my class keep doing the same stupid things. still rmb in sec 2, we all cried like shit when we experienced our very first class caning. tht was so idiotic. oh well, we were young.

surprisingly i paid attention in maths! yay haha . we were dismissed at 1220 , today was such a short day i tell you. sch started at 9 and ended at like, what , 3 hours later? like wow!

haha k tht's all. hm, my blog starting to look so words-y. maybe a little too words-y. wouldnt wanna bore my regular readers like Venusys Si Ying and Khairul Bilius H D . let's add some random pics from the past week shall we?










k dah! tired/sleepy/exhausted/sick.