i'm sorry. it's all tht i can say.
you mean so much, and i'd fix all tht i've done, if i could start again.
throw it all away into the shadows of regret, and you would have the best of me.

stuff tht i've done for you.

the things tht i have done for you , never in my entire life have i done all tht for anyone before . when u walked away from me , at first i went straight on home. but when i got to my gate, i turned back and ran aft you. i didnt bother abt my mom, yelling at me as it was nearly buka, or the lorries tht were like horning at me. i just Ran, cos all i wanted was to get to you.

my stamina is low, i nearly blacked out literally like halfway . but i just Ran and ran . i'm still stunned at how fast i ran tht day.

today i did the same. we had guests . my dad was coming home. but i still wanted to see you. i dodged cars, i didnt stop to pet any cats. i ran shortcuts, i skipped steps up the stairs. and today was a heavy day , if u get what i mean (for girls) .

i was thirsty , but i didnt have any money on me. i was sleepy, and i almost fell asleep on the cc floor while waiting for you. when u were there, i refrained myself from punching the wall , cos i alr promised u tht i wouldnt.

and then i followed u wherever u went. ive never done tht before. ive never followed anyone tht persistently when they're angry before. and it was risky as my dad could have been passing by anytime. but i didnt care, i just Followed .

then you turned around. you told me to go home. i didnt. you kept telling me to go home, and i kept refusing. a moment of silence later, you said, "if you love me, you go home now."

i obediently did. without any arguement. and i did went home straight. didnt loiter else where, which was smth i usually would have done.

a horrible cookie....

shit, i forgot to blog abt last night's dream.
for once in a super long time for all i can rmb, i slept early :D and i didnt wake up in the middle of the night! had a long dream, which many things i can rmb right now .

hm, but i dont rmb order.

ok, i just Rmb being at hhome with a few guests from my mother's side. no actually i only rmb kak siti. and in the dream, spike was actually her cat originally O: kk, then we were like slacking at the kitchen when i saw a kitten hanging at the window.

i was like, omg what is it dg there, and then i took it down. it was an orang tabby, its fur was damn bloody soft. i rmb it running its paws up and down my chest as i was carrying it. and then spike came in pulak.

kak siti teros took spike and embraced it and started saying stuff like, "ive not seen u in such a long time!" , and then i rmb telling myself "hard to believe tht she's really spike's original owner." and then i went into my room.

there were a buncha cookies on the table. my mom was there, she told me to try the one tht looks like snowballs. for as long as i can rmb, tht was the very first time i ever tasted smth in my dream. and damn tht cookie was horrible, truth be told. there was sugar and salt. xP

i sat at my desk, where my comp was turned on. saw tht khai had MSN-ed me. he had told me to go down like an hour ago. i replied, "ok can" and then i just Rushed out of the house again and i rmb gg to this place which i cant identify .

kk, thts all tht i rmb. for now.
sad thing is tht, i forgot what i remembered this morning.

TOMORROW.

tmrw is first N levels written paper . i'm damn scared. damn bloody the scared. and damn bloody stressed, cos the day aft is ss. im so glad tht khai decided to blaja tgt tmrw :D today i've been juggling malay, ss, and english. cos those are all the sept papers .

i've decided to just Give my best for ss . imma depend on my geog to pull up my humans. not tryna say tht i will anyhow do my ss on tuesday ah. i did study ok. wont completely neglect ss lah. english and malay considerably cleared ah.

k then the october papers. geog, phy, chemy, maths, art. art no problemo, ive got all my stuff alr. chemy is ok, just Have to memorize some formulas and run thru some stuff as revision. physics , better do some more stuff , idk why my prelims results were so bad.

which leaves me with maths. i was damn happy abt passing my prelims sia, serious shit. but im still worried abt it. hope i can maintain tht kind of results ah. or maybe higher. damn it lah. i aim distinctions for all the subjects can? i really2 wanna go sec 5 sia.

ah fuck. i really wanna punch the wall right now. but i cant. alr told him i wont. still, im damn pissed. at what or who, idk. most probz me. fuck. fuck sia. FUCK .

i've been studying very hard. and i cried a lot last night. all i wanted was to see his face so i can get tht radiance to re-energize me... his smile is my only source of energy. really. so it disappoints me tht i got up early, forced myself not to fall back asleep , but for nothing.

i'm not complaining.
i'm saying out my feelings to make me feel better .

and i'm trying not to sulk. i'm trying to make it seem like it's ok. cos it should be, or not i'd be causing him problems again. ok, it's ok. doesnt matter tht i've got to go back to studying with the limited strength i have left.

nvm , two days ago, celebrated teacha day at sch. too lazy to update the little details, so here are some pics .







last night dream awesome shit. i had a shotgun. a bloody shotgun. and i was shooting zombies. i saw hizan, as in he was also shooting. got a lot others who were shooting but i dont rmb ah. only rmb him. cos i helped shoot a zombie tht was abt to attack him haha .

k dah. sudah malas.

random updates .

5th sept - malay paper 1/2
6th sept - malay paper 3 , ss
7th sept - english paper 1/2

less than a week away , and i'm damn, damn scared... i need someone to hold my hands right now. had a nightmare abt english n level earlier on during my nap. i ran out of time... i didnt complete it on time. and i loitered most of the time. i wasted my time.

kk. nvm , this is not important. on the other hand, i had another dream where i freaking passed my bloody humans. tht dream can come true. it's all up to me. i'm gonna make tht dream come true i tell you.

guess what? my PS3 is damn gorgeous. but no matter how alluring it is , im not gonna allow it to seduce me. aint gonna fall for its trap, nono. hands off the controller and hands on the textbook pages.

i kinda dont like the fact tht khai has an ex. damn jealous. and i have the feeling he's like losing interest.

wow, this post damn random.

raya !

ytd was raya! but me damn lazy to post abt the details , so here is the very last photo i took .



my curls gone alr lah, haha.

kinda lazy to edit ytd's footages. in fact i'm too lazy to do anything today. edit? lazy. study? lazy. smosh? lazy. eat? lazy. go out? lazy. blackout? hm, maybe. aaand, the only thing which i feel like doing is to go sch at 6 to fetch my baby.

oh yeah, i aint in sch. hahaha. didnt feel like gg. like kinda regret though, idk why. i feel like im missing out on smth.me have been writing in diary these days. to fill it up . hahaha. eh damn, im bored lah sia.



yupp, tht's my brother.

today was awesome. only khairul and i know why (:

but still, love does hurts. my back still pain sia. and my upper lip has a bruise on it, feels like a bruise too. and i almost cried when he had to go.

ahhh..... khairul irfan always makes my day haha . and my nights. yeahhhhhh~
smth only for us to know!

N levels.

khai fell asleep and i'm still waiting for him to wake up. pretty bored right now.

i tell u, i'm damn scared abt my N levels. it's less than 2 weeks away. first there's mother tongue, followed by english then ss. yes, bloody ss. i'm starting to dislike it. maths is ok if compared to ss. serious shit.

the rest of the class is falling behind in english. i seriously worry for them. yes, khai told me to worry abt myself first, but still, i cant help it. they're my classmates. i feel responsible since i'm like almost always the top english student in 4/2. sigh, i feel so useless.

k it's alright. right now, i'm focusing on my ss. i just Completed a practice paper for maths though. my results were horrible. really need someone to revise with. asleah needa teach me the sec 4 and 3 stuff, and then i'll need khai with the lower sec stuff.

hm, aside from tht, i guess my sciences are pretty ok? although my physics prelims results really shocked me. chemistry is also alright. except if the question gets too cheem.

ppl have been saying tht n level difficulty level alternates every year. they said last year's was easy, so most probs this year's gonna be very difficult. i'm damn scared.

but s'ok. i know i can do it. so i will. i will go to sec 5, i wanna take O levels. and then i wanna go to poly aft tht. bloody hell. i want this so much.

shortest sch day eva!

earlier on khai pushed me into the dark classroom and attempted to close the door behind me. he did it as a joke , but it seriously seriously scared me. and now i'm getting flashbacks. i dont wanna rmb. it's been more than a year.

k takpe. next!

went sch with khairul today , he lent me his hoodie! damn warm, he's right. but maybe cos it's his, tht's why it was warm hahaha. it was raining , so didnt walk and didnt sit at friday table. went to 2nd floor mt classroom instead , to slack.

got puddle! damn huge. khai told me to jump but i tried to resist. serious sia, tht room had like 3 major temptations! but one couldnt cos he fasting haha. and another cannot cos i wasnt angry. then the last cannot, cos i mature alr .

when i turned on the fan and khai pointed out smth, i seriously couldnt resist the 3rd temptation. in the end i did it haha. damn bloody awesome! then khai pecked me on the lips also . haha. yay! then sempat cuddle, haha.

today i didnt receive letter from him though, sad. but guess what! during cme ms junainah said tht 2/1 wrote us encouraging letters. damn bloody sweet! then aft tht we all had to write our own to our classmates .

it's like , ms junainah randomly gave us names. i got nicholas , which was ok cos i'm kinda close to him. wrote my encouragement... fyi he always gives me encouragement u know. he's damn bloody nice.

so folded it and placed it in the box. and then ms juaninah gave them all out. guess from whom mine is from !? nicholas! haha. sweet , so coincidence. he didnt write his name though, but i recognized his handwriting.

k then was maths. started off with yet another class caning, i think my emotions towards this numbed eons ago, cos some idiots from my class keep doing the same stupid things. still rmb in sec 2, we all cried like shit when we experienced our very first class caning. tht was so idiotic. oh well, we were young.

surprisingly i paid attention in maths! yay haha . we were dismissed at 1220 , today was such a short day i tell you. sch started at 9 and ended at like, what , 3 hours later? like wow!

haha k tht's all. hm, my blog starting to look so words-y. maybe a little too words-y. wouldnt wanna bore my regular readers like Venusys Si Ying and Khairul Bilius H D . let's add some random pics from the past week shall we?










k dah! tired/sleepy/exhausted/sick.

one second i was doing some stuffs abt bonding singapore. and the next, i was being shaken very hard and asked if i had eaten. my father told me tht it's alr 11 in the night, hours aft buka. i said i hadnt eaten anything when he asked .

i checked my phone first, cos i knew khai would have texted me. he spammed me like shit. texted him before slowly gg thru my inbox, then went to find food. i seriously couldnt rmb anything sia. just Ss stuff.

khai is pissed at me cos i made him wait for nothing... sigh. i dont wanna say sorry anymore . cos to him it doesnt mean anything. all i can say is thanks for worrying, cos i appreciate ur care and concern.

i've not punched the wall for an extremely long time. the last time i did , khai saw and made me promise never to do it again . i'm glad he's such a caring boyfriend and i'm grateful tht he was concerned.

but now i found a new way to anti stress, and tht is to throw things around , and make a mess out of things. idk which is worse.

but thanks for caring khai !

this is for khairul . i'm sorry .

i'll update u lans on my life later. feeling lazy right now. fell asleep and missed tuition , and for tht i was automatically deemed hopeless . i hate it when she calls me hopeless. in fact i dislike the word altogether .

i dislike many things . i dislike many simple things , but the reason is always complicated.

omg! smth black just Flew past my head. it hit my head and flew off . like a bat sia! but the scary thing is tht, my windows closed sia ! and i'm in my room!

k now i'm outside, haha. ok, i dont feel lazy alr. let's update on my life ok?

khairul didnt come sch ytd. i was looking forwarde to him giving command. spent like the whole day in sch texting him . and then, ms poh piss me off again! but idc tht , then what? k i dont rmb alr.

and then today , started off the morning with khairul irfan my wonderful boyfriend . slacked with him awhile before sch , then blah3... aft sch went home with him pulak. i watched him walk until he completely disappeared.

i hope i only meant tht sentence in one way.

so very the scared. tryna have the positive mindset, but still cant help feeling scared tht he'd leave me someday ...

and i'm damn jealous tht he's called someone else 'baby' before, tht he's held someone else before, tht he's hugged and kissed someone else before, and tht he's loved someone else before me. yes, im very jealous of tht , though it's the past . sigh, idk . ive not felt like this before.

many dreams in a night? or was it one long one?

last night i was in a sort of candy shop with the girls from the clique. i rmb trying to avoid eye contact with pearl and priscilla while i was walking around with asleah and siying. so realistic... i rmb the background song being a Daughtry song, though idk which one.

i walked out of the place with siying, i think she bought something but i dont rmb... we were walking out of the shop when i saw a kind of underground chamber which was on sale, and i rmb wanting to buy it but then i was like, "nah, save money!"

it was a sort of mrt station, when we were walking towards an escalator i kinda saw khairul's 2nd brother. then siying laughed and pointed to him and said, "hahaha, his brother!"

when we were gg down the escalator, siying suddenly took my hand and held it in hers. i rmb scolding her, i said, "eh can dont hold my hand anot? i'm khai's." then she giggled and released my hand. then we continued walking.

and this the scary part, we were passing by a shop tht was selling clocks. at this point idk where siying was alr, but i knew she wasnt there with me ah. the shop was damn noisy, there were cuckoo clocks, the kind where a bird comes out from the door and goes all "cuckoo! cuckoo!" every one hour.

there was a man standing outside the door and he was telling me tht the clocks gave accurate timing, so i looked at the one tht he was holding. wait, i think it was purple. it was either purple or yellow, i dont rmb.

the clock's hands were moving really quickly. i asked the man, "are u sure this clock is giving accurate timing?" he was like, "yes, yes! all my clocks give accurate timing! take a look urself!" so i looked at the other clocks in the shop ah.

all the hands of the clocks were moving damn bloody fast, and their speed was increasing the more i stared at them. at this point the shop was getting really noisy with the tickings, and there were flashy lights all over.

shit. my goosebumps all standing up alr sia...

when i woke up i didnt immediately rmb it, but when i did i teros shiver like mad sia. texted khai straightway, luckily he was awake. in fact he spammed me. i was damn scared sia.

k then like idk what time later, i went back to sleep again. this time dreamt of sch. i rmb it was geog n levels, cos i rmb having a convo with mr singh, he was like "where u gg!?" then i was like, "i gg my geog n levels!" then he was like, "oh combined humans ah!?" and i nodded.

i was actually on time for the paper, but i was in pe, thts why the teacher who was there told me to go change. the toilet was damn crowded with cca ppl sey. oh yeah, i think it was like during cca time, cos i saw many UGs at the parade sq.

i rmb having a convo with farizah and sabrina , who were at the toilet. yeah they wished me luck, or smth like tht ah.

when walking back to my classroom, i saw my khairul irfan. walked over to him and we talked, but i cant rmb abt what. in the midst, a classmate/friend of his came along.

i cant rmb who. maybe i dont even know who lah. k, the guy was like, "eindah, nak lepak?", smth like tht. i didnt make eye contact with him then i just Looked at the floor and shook my head. then he asked again, "oy, nak lepak ketak?", smth like tht.

tht was when i looked at him and was like, shaking my head very very hard with a frown. i looked at khai, then he was like, took me via waist and pulled me closer to him. then he smiled and said, "no, she's alr mine."

the guy was like, smiling i think. k they both gave evil smiles at tht point in time. yeahh tht's it ah.

oh, and another part. my classmates were telling me tht syafiq (my class one) was upset cos i got credit for smth tht he did. a lot ppl were texting me telling me to let him have credit. k tht one idk ah. haha. damn random.

hm k then what else? i dont rmb alr. not yet lah. thanks for reading ! love u baby. and u lans also :D

buka with khairul !

ytd evening was awesome (:

when i got home i actually wanted to sleep awhile, but i ended up playing a few rounds of resident evil with my adik. like abt 6 plus, went to shower, just Nice when i was done with it, khairul texted me.

blah3, met him at the cc to pass him his tee before gg off to domino to buy the pizza i owe him. met him again at the carpark aft he bought the drink and aft i got the pizza. yes, his bag was super heavy, poor thing sia he.

hm k then what? while waiting for bang , we chatted awhile. then finally could drink/eat! oh and before we ate we kissed first, cos we have been waiting for tht, hehehe. yes, i'm glad we could finally kiss, cos we missed the chance on ndp.

khai drank alot sia, kesian sey... i'm so grateful tht he still found time for me despite being tired aft cca.

k then i made him upset for awhile. and i was being a spoilt brat by asking him for more and more rounds of kiss. i'm so sorry for being so childish khai /:

i notice he kept running his hands up and down my mid riff , haha. then he was like, "....eindah, you're hot." i shy sey, hehehehe.

there was a cat which we were playing with before we kissed, and then while we were kissing tht feline was like watching us. hahaha, so cute sey. and it was damn manja. (i didnt see whether it's a female or male)

aaahhhh.... ytd was awesome. i love u khairul irfan !

P.E with my 4/2 ♥

hi ! my day was great so far. had a little bonding with my beloved class 4/2 during p.e. , although alot of ppl were absent today. watched and recorded the guys playing soccer, using khai's cammie. i could capture so much details sia! hehe.

cant wait to edit the footage. right now WMM is preparing the footage for better playback quality. aft tht, i can start editting alr. oh and later on, imma be breaking fast with my khairul irfan. i cant wait, although im worried tht he's not feeling well...

takpe, he strong lah he.
here's some pictures from today!








as you can see via my tone, i'm in a bubbly mood today, haha. im just Glad tht i managed to spend time with 4/2 peeps today. although last night was unpleasant, i still look forward to the following day.

hi ! so , how was my evening ytd and my day today? ytd evening was spent with my baby at cc, before my maths tuition. i like to kiss his neck! but then ytd he tak geli, oh well. and i seriously didnt notice tht mole on monday sey.

went off at like 6, cos i couldnt bear to leave. khai asked me if i was tempted to kiss him, which i so was! and he kept sticking his tongue out when i was looking at his mouth, and then he gave me a peck on my lips. damn bloody tempting sia!

but managed to control, cos he could do it. so of course i also can. (macam faham)

and today marks the end of prelims! had art today, sadly i didnt see khai pass by. oh well . went home aft the recess bell rang. pretty tired... had a short nap. it's satisfying (: k dah, bye!