A long post of realisation

What this post will contain if you would read it til the end:

• the realisation that electricity and circuitry are so fucking interesting
• the realisation that my current course is what I was born for 
• the realisation that Singapore will never recognise me as a famous blogger
• the realisation that I'm not gonna be in the media industry after all. 

____

You know, the programming I'm doing right now isn't anything new to me. Yes, it being a repeated module I have learnt it last semester, but me being on Blogger for a few years now, I've also played with codes namely HTML. I've made quite a few of these things called blogskins, and I do have a profile on the page but I'm not gonna tell you.

So anyway, to be honest C Programming already looked so easy on the first day I sat for the lesson. It was my laziness and bad attitude that made me screw it up last semester. In fact, I'd started skipping the lessons altogether, but in my own time I had learnt all about branching and loops on my own. That's how natural I was with all these codes.

It was still too late, I hadn't passed up my previous assignments and I'd screwed up the practical tests because of my negligence, so that's why I had to retake the module. And here I am, back in Programming with a vengeance, getting straight A's on my Ceilidh assignments and getting full marks for my practical test literally on my first attempts.

I gotta admit, programming is so much fun on its own, whether or not it's a school module. I'd always had fun with HTML, though I don't use those for my current blog due to my laziness.

On the other side of the story, we all know how fascinated I've always been with the MRT Lines. This fascination evolved into a passion, even with the roads along Singapore. How I love getting around the country on buses, special thanks to the wonderful idea of bus concession.

I'm sure you've seen those boards with the estimated arrivals of the next bus. Well, they're not at every bus stop of course, just a few that are mainly near MRT stations. And I'm not talking about the ones at bus interchanges, but bus stops.

Admittedly I'd never paid attention to them because I use Iris, but just the other day I decided to stare at the one at Paya Lebar since I was sitting right next to it, and of course... I got very fascinated.

It especially amazed me how those little circles were lighted up individually to form a number with the other circles. Stared at it for as long as I could but I knew I'd never find out how the circuits worked underneath that thing. It was far more complex than the shit I did with the LED 7-segment display thing.

It just made me wonder: how does the LTA transfer the information to this board, and the boards you see on MRT platforms? How do the circles light up accordingly, following this information? I so badly wanted to know!!!

The past few days, or weeks maybe, Berita had been talking about the new Downtown Line. Of course this news will always draw my attention. But guess what? It didn't make me excited to be a reporter or to travel the new line; it made me excited to work in the Land Transport Authority when I grow up.

Just imagine working in the LTA. Do they plan the future MRT lines by scanning the roads of Singapore onto the back of their mind, and drawing an imaginary route along where is best? Do they loom over the current maps of the MRT system and decide which two stations are too far apart and could be connected nearer and easier? Believe it or not, that sounds so fucking fun.

Who would have thought that I'd actually feel the need to excel in my current course, to feed these new sudden passions? My course being Electronics and Computer Engineering; now I actually feel like I was born to be here. Like me being here isn't a coincidence or a bad thing after all. [only realising this one and a half semester into the course... right]

So... Tadah! Maybe my modules do have a reason in  life after all.

On another side of this story, I'm not that sure about my dream of being a writer anymore. It's been ten years and some since I started writing, yes. It's been tens of times I announced I'd keep going on and on to fulfill my dreams, every time I decide to give up writing.

But this time, I guess I've had it. I did so much thinking, and I guessed writing isn't for me. I did some research on "Singapore's popular bloggers", and all they ever care about is chiobus and Blogshop models and cute and pretty pictures. I can never do that, okay? And I will never.

Pretty ironic that the comments in these lists are asking for sincere writers. I saw some people commenting how they do like these certain bloggers, but how they wish they know those who really do write and not flood their posts with advertorials. I could just wave my hand and scream Yoohoo, I'm right here! Hey! but no. No matter how hard I try, I'll never get the attention of that many readers.

I thought of how it'd be like if I wrote books. The farthest I'd get my books to is probably just within the country. With Singapore so small, I would've known half the people of this generation by the time I start a career. Would anyone really read a book that has my name on it?

No, knowing my place in the current society, not a chance. I can just imagine those people from my secondary school, who unfollowed me on Twitter because I was probably annoying as fuck, or the people from Naqib E'zuwan's social life who only know me as his sister, just rolling their eyes and not giving a shit if they saw a book that I wrote.

Also another thing, most of the well-known bloggers are Chinese. Wouldn't it be nice to be one of the first few Malays to be a famous blogger in Singapore? It'd be fucking awesome. Because after all, it's just my fucking race and I'd do whatever to bring light on the Malay society here.

But I don't know. It's a thin chance. I'd say I should stay and keep fighting, but... I just don't feel that fight in me anymore. I'm damn tired of trying, knowing that society won't fucking read my stuff.

And that's why I'm gonna focus more on engineering. Yep I've said this many times already, how I should put away my writing and prioritise all these engineering shit but I could never get it in my head; writing and blogging just brings me energy and life more than you know. It's hard to give up, but what else can I do???

I'd still blog about my random little stories, and post my links on Twitter when I've written a new post, but rest assured I'm not gonna try as hard anymore. Let whoever reads this read it, I don't care. I'm just gonna travel from now, around Singapore, and find a way into the road/transport industry when I grow up.

Done with all that wanting to be in the media field. Fucking done.

A little story from last Christmas

Despite 2012 becoming my worst year of my life ever and blah blah, dreading Hari Raya or family outings and school and exams... But actually, last year was probably my first and last year being so excited for Christmas.

At that time I had this one friend I'd call up if there's ever anything. He was the one who taught me to cycle early last year, and who was basically there for me the whole time. He'd actually done a lot for me, but that's not what this post is about. My relationship and even friendship with him ended a long time ago, and there's no use bringing up the joy I'd had with him.

I just remembered him, and a few of the things with him that made me smile. Particularly the time with him during Christmas season. He's a Christian, for all I remember. Was he? He should be, and that was why I too was so excited for the day.

Because he was my only friend, I had lots of time to ponder about what to get him for Christmas. I wanted to get something he would use, and I couldn't think of anything other than a lighter. I had my doubts at first because it was almost as if I was encouraging him to smoke. But really, our relationship practically built on our smoking habits back then.

I didn't get those cheap ones, but this stainless steel one that was fucking gorgeous. [would have gotten one for myself if I'd had more money] Of course, to make it more special, I had it engraved. His name is Nicholas Jude, and for short I called him Niccy J. Probably was the only person who ever called him that.

So that was what I got engraved on the very special lighter. Oh how pumped up I was to quickly give it to him. Of course before I did, I kept playing with the damn lighter. Kept lighting it up for my own use, because it was just too damn beautiful, what with the engraving. My goodness. I swear if I hadn't stopped smoking I'd probably have a dozen of those lighters by now.

If I remember correctly I only managed to get it into his hands a few days after Christmas itself, probably 3-4 days. He really liked it a lot, and of course he used it.

Funny thing was, the very next day, the lighter ran out of gas/fuel, whatever it's called. Was it because I used too much of it before I gave it to him? Or was it because I gave him too much stress that he was smoking so much and thus using up all the gas in the lighter?

I'll never know, because he disappeared by the third day of the new year, his 18th birthday. Never got the chance to talk to him again, and I'm not sure what happened to the corpse of that very special lighter.

Either way, I find it a little amusing for an expensive lighter to run out of gas so quickly, just after it landed in the hands of its intended recipient. And thus, that's the story of

Last Christmas, I gave you a carved lighter
But the very next day, it ran out of gas

if you had seen that tweet.

It still makes me giggle.

7 against the world

The last time we went on a date was back in September. With 7 people in a clique, you can say it's not really that easy to find a day where we're all free at once. But of course when there's a will, there's always a way: the drive to meet one another forced us to find a day for an outing.

Since everyone was pretty much broke, we couldn't go shopping so we settled on a picnic instead. They hadn't wanted to go further than Pasir Ris, but I fought for my suggestion and they all agreed to head on to Marina Barrage. Hooray! The only time I'd been there was back 2 and a half years ago, and even then I hadn't really checked it out properly.

I felt bad that I hadn't brought anything on my part for the picnic, but looking at the spread of sandwiches and snacks and fried rice that everyone had brought, I felt relieved that I hadn't contributed to the amount of leftovers that were to come.

The sun was blaring but it was constantly shying away behind the clouds, and there was wind, so everyone was 50/50 on their gratitude to the weather. We found a spot at the side, laid out three mats and began passing food around. I loved everything that I ate!!!

While feasting we all took turns to update one another on our lives, from the oldest to the youngest. Siying had brought her flower crown which we propped on the head of the current speaker, along with a makeshift mike in the form of a corn cob.

The amount of sarcasm and lameness was too damn high that day, along with all the laughters. My turn came, being the 4th in line, and I told everyone what I'd been up to in studies, friendship (or lack of it), and fashion.

Seemed like I'd matured when I told them how my life has progressed along the year, but Asleah's turn to speak came and all thoughts of my having grown up quickly vanished.

At this point of time I was eating a chocolate muffin; Asleah was telling us about her course, when one of the girls piped up and asked: "So what do you do in class?" I was expecting a super intelligent answer, considering that she was in a design/IT course, maybe something like Oh I draw, Oh I design websites, shit like that.

But nope. Just as I was taking a large gulp of my lychee tea, she had to say in a matter-of-fact tone; "Oh, I watch videos." Bloody hell, her tone and answer collided with what I had in mind, and it resulted in me literally throwing out everything that was in my mouth.

I was a mess of tea and chocolate cake, and it was getting all over my shirt and jeans and hair. My goodness! I was coughing like crazy and everyone was staring and going Eeeeww!! They just threw me tissues so I could clean myself up, but I still could not control my little fit of giggles.

How embarrassing for me to have done that on our long awaited reunion. I'm so sorry, though I know they will never judge me for that because I've always been the most gross in the clique (;

Sabrina, the youngest of all had her turn to speak, and everyone was done. We all stood up and went over to the spot with lovely background for photos and videos (me). We played games til I didn't realise the sun had set, because I was having too much fun and laughing too hard.

I loved how we ganged up on Shushan when we were playing Happy Family, how we made sure the card that she needed wouldn't get to her. How we were just eventually telling each other which cards we needed and which we don't!

My favourite though, was the game of Murderer. How everyone was staring at anyone in the eye, waiting for someone to make a move. How Shushan was always the Police, and how everyone eventually got afraid to wink at her or in her watch. How Asleah suddenly decided that there'd be two murderers and how Pearl and I had winked at each other at the same time, ending up in confusion! Those little things will always be in my memory.

A great way to celebrate that all of us are now officially 18, with Shushan already turning 19 in a matter of weeks. Til the next clique outing. Maybe then I'd have enough footage and I can finally make a video to present to the girls.

A week of shopping and friends!

It's Friday night, and the week is over. I can't believe that I've actually spent the entire school week with friends!!! The week started off with the Sunday with my mother, and then came Monday which I thought I'd spent alone but decided to make an effort to meet some people.

[note: this is a very long post. You may take your time to read it.]

Monday, 9th December, 2013.

EW2.

My plan for Monday was to head to school and do some revision for EG1. But I had to go to Tampines to collect a Carousell purchase, so I got lazy to head to the west in the end. I called up Siying and ended up going to her school to study.

Of course we chatted a bit occasionally, and when we were both done studying. She went to do her test for a while before we set off to have an early dinner at the ITAS canteen. Chicken chop for me as always!!!

Took a walk to Design School afterwards, where we had a chat with Sabrina during her break. We came up with a ranking of the busiest to slackiest in the clique, because Sabrina was obviously the busiest, with her design assignments and committee stuff and stuff like that.

Then we came to the top two slackiest in our clique: Siying and I. Did a bit of calculation, and we realised that Siying had CCA and work, and some committee things as well, and she even moved up a rank ahead. In the end, who was the slackiest of all in the clique but ME.

Well it all made sense anyway, if you realised how much time I have to travel and loiter and just slack, compared to the other girls who are always on their assignments and CCAs and jobs and shit. Yeh!

It was all impromptu, but I'm glad to have gotten the chance to talk so much with the girls again. Siying was the one whom I've been the closest to longest, while Sabrina is the one who had loved me the most. (;

Tuesday, 10th December, 2013.

NS20 / NS13. 

So I had my first Common Test of Sem2, which is none other than EG1. I'd like to boast about how I completed a Maths test for the first time ever, and not by doing anyhow but properly. I even had to ask for extra paper because I ran out of space in the answer booklet. You have no idea how proud I am of myself!

I went to the library to do a bit of studying for DAELN, which is the most dreaded module of this semester. I didn't get much into my head before I decided to just leave for Novena. Listening to Pokemon soundtracks did not help because it just made me go into my I'm a Pokemon Master!!! mood.

So I'd never been to Novena before. I did some research and memory games to remember that I could take 54 from Bishan. But Wiki also said that there was 166 from Ang Mo Kio, so when I saw that bus 74 had arrived my school bus stop first, I decided to take that route.

I got on 166, and I thought I was such a genius!!! But guess what? A few minutes into the trip, I saw that 166 passed by a certain road which 52 from my school goes through. Just a few stops on 52 and I could have crossed the road to take that 166, but nope. I took the long way, thinking I was such a genius. You have no idea how pissed off I was at myself!

Well, I earned 10 bucks, before making my way to Yishun next. Oh at this point of time I was with Siying by the way! The girl had came all the way from Temasek Poly right after her test just to accompany me.

My mission in Yishun was to collect another item, a Topshop sweater for only $6 heheh. What a steal isn't it? It was originally 8 but if I was able to meet at the seller's convenience, I could have it for 6.

I met the seller, and the fact that she was a Malay surprised me! Of course, I had always stereotyped these sellers as Chinese girls. So here's what happened between the seller and I: she didn't have change for me, so I offered to pay her 10 for it instead.

She refused, and just gave me my sweater. She told me I'd just have to transfer her the money when I can. Can you imagine that? The amount of trust in me! It felt so good to be so trusted like that, so Siying and I immediately went on a hunt for a POSB machine.

Siying and I had our dinner after that. I got chicken rice, woohoo! Totally can't live without chicken.

We did some window shopping next, from this factory outlet to Cotton On to a store with Converse and Lee Cooper and Everlast all under one roof. Siying got two shorts from Cotton On while I got two graphic tees with these cats on them ^^

Siying and I tried on our items at Cotton On, and we got cubicles next to each other. Siying wanted to show me how she looked in her skirt but I was half naked and so she decided to crawl underneath the gap in between just to get to my cubicle!

So there was a 20% sale for Converse sneakers, which I was so tempted to get! $45 for a pair of Converse? Who could resist that?! Well, I did. I walked away from the shop and we headed home after that.

Wednesday, 11th December 2013. 

NS22 / NS13.

Second paper, and the last day of my common tests! I thought I could go on a date with 'Aamir. I asked him beforehand if he would go out with me on Wednesday. He said he'd see first, and I was hoping he could. But he couldn't.

He told me before I headed towards the exam venue, I swear I could hear my heart break when he told me that No, he's not meeting me today.

Along came a Science freak named Luqman, who told me he was going to town, so I thought I'd go with him. Hooray! A companion to go shopping with! And just as I was about to go into the exam hall, I met my classmates and other coursemates who wished me all the best for the paper. My mood lightened up a bit.

After the paper, I'd followed Shi Hui to hand in her assignment over at Block 52, where we also managed to take a few photos to commemorate the time we've spent together this semester. You should have seen how excited she was just to take photos with me!

Luqman still had his test so I went ahead to Bishan to do a bit of reading first, before taking bus 13 to Yio Chu Kang where his school is at. The damned barrel rushed me as if he had been waiting for an eternity, but I ended up waiting for him for 15 minutes because he "went off to meet a friend".

So his intention of going town was to get shoes. The last time I met him, he had shown us his shoes which were practically tearing apart. Well my intention of going to town was to head to H&M and check out their sales, and to Forever 21 because I'd honestly never shopped there!

But when Luke mentioned his shoes, I totally forgot all about myself. The whole time, all I had on my mind was shoes. Vans, because he specified that he wanted that shit. Just because he's my boyfriend's best friend, I felt like I had the duty to take care of him and to make sure that he's happy, in 'Aamir's place.

We walked out of Ion and towards Cathay, though it drizzled halfway through. We just walked in the rain acting cool when it got heavier so we dashed for shelter. So we crossed towards the H&M building, when he pointed out that Cathay was back over there. By this time the rain was quite heavy and it wasn't very nice to walk in it anymore. My hair was in a mess!

"Wait, I think I've got an umbrella." Luke said, so he rummaged through his bag to search for it. He took out a bunch of rubbish before tossing me a small piece of fabric.

"What the hell is this???"

"My umbrella cover!" he said, with a grin that looked so happy and proud of himself.

"Where's the umbrella then?"

"I didn't bring it."

So we had to run in the rain, across the road again, oh how scared as fuck I was.We got to the Vans, but he didn't see anything he wanted. He mentioned maroon, so we went on the hunt for that shit next. Of course, we passed by Pastamania and had an early dinner because the brat was hungry.

We had our meal, having a conversation, mostly about Science. What's a conversation with the Science freak if there's no Science involved? I guess he was so engrossed in his passion til he totally didn't realise the time. We quickly set off again, back to Ion where he said there was Vans.

He didn't see anything he wanted; he wanted the black one with these leather bits, and its price was okay but there was this patch of tartan that ruined the whole thing in his opinion. In the end, the brat decided he'd be okay with Converse, so we walked one round to find the store.

Mm, we spent an eternity in front of the display of sneakers, him looking at which ones he'd like and me suggesting this and asking that and shit. He narrowed it down to the grey and the brown ones, and in the end, he finally settled on the grey.

GUESS WHAT? So we asked for a size 9 of that shit... and... there weren't anymore... the biggest size... was size 6. How sad we were.

So I thought of something. I thought of the sale at Yishun which Siying and I had seen. So Luke and I, we decided to make that our next and last destination.

He found the exact grey sneakers which he had taken a liking to earlier, but I guess we were down in luck, because they ran out of size 9 too. He started searching for alternatives. The navy blue? The brown? But he seemed to find flaws in every other pair. Does this match with my other jeans? This looks nicer if the base is white. 

We sat there, not knowing what to do, just looking at all the shoes on display. We must have looked so miserable then, when all of a sudden something caught his eye.

He looked at the price. NOT TOO BAD. He asked for that in size 9. THERE WAS SIZE 9. He put it on. IT MATCHED WITH HIS JEANS. He stood up and walked about. IT WAS A PERFECT FIT.

Oh, the joy on his face then. The brat had finally found a perfect pair of shoes! It was a pair of brown Everlast with a white base and laces. The price was okay too, and what's more there was a 20% discount. He settled on that, as well as a pack of Converse socks. Damn you should have seen how his face lighted up. It wasn't what he had initially wanted. How unexpectedly love came.

It was my turn to look at the Converse sneakers. I'd been wanting to get a dark-coloured pair so that my feet wouldn't look so huge when I wear my pink ones with black skinnies. I was hesitant because I'd spent a lot already, but there was a ghost brat next to me who could only say: "Buy it lah, YOLO." So I told him I'm gonna get this shit, please make sure I don't change my mind.

5 minutes later, we were at the counter paying for our shoes; Luke with his Everlast and socks and me with my navy blue Converse. Woowoo! I couldn't resist it, nope I could not.

Parted on the platform of Yishun station, where our trains both came at the same time; him towards Marsiling and me to Bishan to change to the Circle Line.

Thursday, 12th of December, 2013.

EW1 / NS22. 

Aha. My first time buying books on Carousell. Siying and Pearl helped me collect my purchase because I was super late, and I'm so satisfied with the condition of the books! Only $12 for a total of 3 books (;

Sabrina was there too, so all 4 of us made our way to Pearl's humble abode. Pearl lives in a bungalow, and the amount of photogenic spots to take your Ootd's were too high. I raided her closet as well and looking at all her pretty clothes, her outfits would be a perfect match for all these pretty backgrounds. Damn.

After feasting on fried rice, we made chocolate ice blended, with a recipe which Siying came up with on the spot. We stuffed our mouths with chocolates as well, though I didn't really like the mint M&Ms.

Hah. We went up to Pearl's room, and that was when the chaos began. We webcamwhored like crazy, using all kinds of whacky effects with all kinds of poses. I was in the middle, so all the effects were always focused on me, especially the shit which bends your face in and stretches your neck and all that! I was made a laughing stock, even by myself!

Pearl turned on Christmas songs on Youtube, and when she played 12 days of Christmas, I got fascinated with the format of that song. I sat there watching everything repeat at each cycle, until the part with the 5 golden rings came on. How happy that part made me!

Each time 5 golden rings came, we all sang our hearts out to that part. Eventually we weren't even listening to the song; we were just waiting for the 5 golden rings part to come so we could sing it!

Well, we ended up watching these colour songs; Grandma's got a little red car, little red little red little red red red red car. It's so annoying now but I swear at that moment it had us all so thoroughly entertained! We left Pearl's house with that song still on our tongues.

I rushed home immediately, to have a change of clothes before I went out again, in my white chiffon top and maroon maxi skirt. I headed off to Orchard Road, to meet who else but my little brother and mom.

I couldn't help it, but I ketuk my mom like crazy! Ketuk is just a word which means "hit"; my family uses that word to mean "when getting someone to treat you".

First stop, H&M! I collected loads of pieces to try before I settled on this long-sleeved polka dot blouse, because it had this retro feel to it, and a sweater with an acid-washed colour to it. I asked mom if we could go to Forever 21 next, because I'd never shopped there.

Again, I got myself many pieces to try on; and this point of time my little brother was so damn tired of following me around, so I had speed change in the fitting room, before settling on only the grey raglan pullover with green sleeves. Woowoo!! How happy I was that my mom was paying for everything!

She sent me home on a taxi afterwards, where she jokingly complained to my brother about how she had just given me a hundred bucks and I still wanted to ketuk her. Well mommy, you didn't spend a single cent on me for a year after all dear mommy.

You should have heard how she talked to the taxi driver. She's so darn good with all her roads! Guess I'll never be like her.

Friday, 13th of December, 2013.

EW2.

Last day of the week, what better way to celebrate Friday than with good old chicken choppe. Headed to Temasek Poly to meet Siying and Sabrina; this duo found so many reasons to pair up and bully me today! To think that I was supposed to be a guest at their school!

Siying and I sent Sab off to the School of Design, before we made our way to Tampines on bus 69, yummy. New Look, Tampines 1, was our first look, and we were hovering at the entrance when the salesgirl with the box came over and told us to draw a coupon.

I received a "Spend $50 and get $15 off", which was quite a steal. We saw that we had to redeem our gifts by the day itself, so we spent some time in there doing some massive search for a perfect dress and for me; jeans. Yes, I was still hell bent on finding a  perfect pair of high-waisted jeans.

AND I FOUND THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!! I tried it on and it was so freaking gorgeous I just had to!! Siying found a bag which she thought was cute but couldn't decide if she really needed it; I being her personal devil, whispered to her: Buy it, you've got nothing to lose, you can only use that coupon today, it looks cute on you, you need that shit and in the end I won, woohoo.

My jeans had a discount, which meant I still had leftover space to fulfill the $50 amount needed to use my voucher. I settled for this grey tee with faux leather short sleeves. How happy I was to leave the store with my purchases!

Siying had to go after that, but along came Sabrina again, so she and I had our own window shopping around T1. Our last destination was UrbanWrite, where I found this diary with.... an.... MRT map at the back. Sabrina was like, "WOW, it's like it was made just for you." IT REALLY WAS MADE FOR ME!

We sat at the stairs while she ate her pretzel and I shared with her my New Look loots.

And there we have it. My entire school week. A week of exams, shopping, and friends.

If you hadn't realised, I hadn't met 'Aamir this entire week. The last time we met was last Friday, and I'd cried to him about how lonely I was. He told me to make effort myself, because you don't have to worry about the pull if you make enough push. As long as I make effort, the rest will all fall into place.

If it hadn't been for him I wouldn't have met my mom on Sunday; I wouldn't have asked Siying out on Monday and Tuesday; I wouldn't have joined Luqman to town on Wednesday.

Thank you to everyone who had spent their time with me this week, only you will know how much fun I had with you. And thank you for reading this long post of mine, I'll see you soon (;

My family / and a teacher.

Going to Pasir Ris has always been a terrible idea ever since Paya Lebar became my new home. The heavy rain doesn't make it any better, so I decide to wear a dull and depressed outfit out; a grey tee, black tank, a black and white cardigan along with black skinnies and boots. Nothing bright, not even my eyes.

It'll be the first time in a long time I am gonna meet her. The last time she talked to me, she yelled at me and hit me in front of my uncles, in my aunt's house, and even yelled to all of us she was cutting off all ties with me.

And in the past, she was always dissing me for my lack of fashion sense and the way my hair covered my eyes. I always had this feeling that she secretly thought I was ugly. Because in her eyes I was never her idea of a perfect daughter.

My grandmother tells me to kiss her hand when she reaches. I tell her straightout no, and she insists that I do because she is my mother. I scowl and answer; "Not like she kisses your hand either." she grins at my understanding and I laugh back at her, knowing we both feel a certain pain from the same person.

She looks behind me and says with a grin, "They're here they're here." I look to where she's facing and I see my little brother, taller than I remember, but still like the nerd I knew. He kisses my hand first and then while he kisses my grandmother's, my mother sticks out her hand to me. I hesitantly take it and kiss it, and she bends down to kiss her own mother's hand.

I can not stand the oh-so-tearful reunion any longer, so I get up and announce that I'm heading to Popular. That's why I wanted to come to Pasir Ris anyway; because I have these $5 off coupons which can only be used at the Whitesands outlet. My brother follows me.

Of course, the first thing I do is to irritate the hell out of him. I call him all the names I used to call him in the past, things like nerd and bongs and bitch. [just so you know, Bongs is a short form of bongok and bongsu, if you get it, hahahaha] I mess up his hair which he'd spent time waxing, and on many occasions trip him successfully.

Our first stop is Popular, of course. I spend quite a while looking at all kinds of books before settling for the Hunger Games trilogy. The set is cheaper than I expected, what's more with my coupon. I hold them in my arms while hunting for the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books that my brother is looking for. This takes a while, and we both say; "Ni kalau ada ular dah kene patuk.", something which our mother always said to us when something is right underneath our noses.

He looks at all the mouses at the IT section, and I point out how ugly I thought they were. He scoffs and says in a boastful tone; "These are mouses specially for gamers." I immediately laugh and answer; "But you're not even a gamer." and he gives me his "I am not amused" duckface.

Later on, my mother asks me if I'd like to buy a pair of flats from Cotton On. She says they'd be cheaper in twos, so I pick out these silver ones with knotted ribbons on them. I don't even have to try them on; I ask my mom what size did she take, and I already know they'd be fine for me as well.

Over our early dinner, she gives me a hundred dollars as shopping money. I take it without a smile or word, and my grandmother snaps at me; "Don't know how to say thank you?" so I thank my mother.

I get home and I try the shoes. As expected, the shoes are a perfect fit. My feet have always been the same size as hers, and that's probably the only thing we have in common; my own mother will always be a million times more beautiful than I am.

____

Today went surprisingly well, I suppose. But now, I'm caught in between. My mother said that she and my dad had spent time painting my room and cleaning it up, and that I could move in anytime soon. I'd like to have my room back, but I don't want to be without any cats.

She mentioned that my dad really wants me back home, but why can't he say so himself? If he had the guts to shoo me away why can't he even send me a text personally asking me to come home? He's the one who broke my heart the most, and he's the only one among my family who has never even once tried to contact me.

You'd probably tell me to go back to Pasir Ris, but it's not as easy as you think. I can't risk it. I can't risk being unhappy in there again. I've cried enough in my room all alone, and I'm afraid the same thing would happen again if I ever go back there. I'm afraid of not belonging, because it has after all been a year.

It may seem like just a while, but have you ever tried being without your family for that long, without even calling or texting them as well? Even after a year of being without my secondary school girlfriends, I still feel left out when they talk about their memories of the times I weren't with them. It feels the same regarding my parents and brothers.

Another thing which just made me upset half an hour ago; today was Ms Adimah's wedding. And I only found out when I saw a just-uploaded Instagram picture. She invited her other students but not me? She mentioned her wedding to me since August, and that she'd give me the exact date and details soon. She said it would be the end of the year, and I was waiting for her to text me again about it.

I can't believe she forgot about me... After all those letters I wrote to her in the pink notebook, after all the tears she had seen me shed to her in the classroom, after saving me from cigarettes and nausea and seeing me laid down at a void deck crying my heart out on an O Level exam night... Was I really still so insignificant that she had forgotten to invite me for her one and only wedding...?

You have no idea how sad I am about this right now. I'm crying, ugh. I thought I was somebody. I was so excited to have a chance to wear kain songket.

Go for it.

Watched Frozen with 'Aamir yesterday, and of course, Walt Disney does it again; it was a great movie. I'm not gonna spoil things for anyone who's planning to watch it, but I'm gonna talk about one thing from the movie which got to me, made me think of most people out there, myself included.

We all have dreams. Even if you say you don't, you still can't deny that there are things in life which you'd like to do and experience. Even if it's something small like donating or going to USS for the first time; these tiny things are still called dreams.

So we met this character in Frozen called Olaf; a snowman who dreams of summer. He dreams of experiencing summer someday, and even sings about how happy he would be if summer ever came to him.

The first thing 'Aamir, and basically everyone in the cinema, did was laugh. I did too, because I thought it was funny that a snowman would want to be under the sun, even if it was what he wanted to experience. Then it dawned on me; we were laughing at somebody's dream.

Just because he's a snowman, we all think that it's impossible for him to achieve his dream of being in summer. With other people too, we laugh when we think they can't do it.

But stop laughing. Stop bringing others down. There's no need for phrases like "Art has no future" for someone artistic. There's no reason to bring down people whom you think aren't good-looking if they say they want to be an actor or model. Having no money doesn't restrict you from any traveling at all. And when it comes to your dreams, you can't give yourself these excuses either.

Whether it's something you want to be when you are older, or just a small wish on your bucket list, just go for it, no matter how impossible it seems.

As for myself, my current dream is still to be a writer. Honestly I'm not sure what writer I'd want to be exactly, be it author, filmmaker, or journalist. Perhaps all of them. Maybe you'd laugh at me because you think my writing sucks, or that my video-editting is immature, or that someone with social anxiety can't be a journalist. But no matter what, these possibilities will always be my dreams.

This guy at the library

I fucked around in Choa Chu Kang yesterday and the day before, for no reason really. Just felt like it. I walked around, I sat down, either way observing people around me. 

Just yesterday I spent about 3 or 4 hours sitting at the library just reading my book. Took a break to have lunch with 'Aamir at his school before coming back to continue reading. 

So this guy came along, quite well-dressed with jeans and sneakers [that's what I call nicely dressed, shut up] and sits down right next to me. Judging from the skin colour and the face, I could tell he was Malay because he just looked the part. [is that judging? But it was really obvious okay]

At this point of time I was looking at my book but I wasn't reading. I was looking at him. Not because he was hot and not because I was checking him out; I just had this sudden feeling to see what he was up to. 

He took out his headphones, plugged them into his ear, and took out a reading material. Upon closer inspection I saw that it was a comic, though I'm not sure what comic exactly. I saw Wonder Woman in a frame though, I think. 

So his headphones were on full blast, and at first hearing I heard some metal. But that changed; he pressed a few buttons [it was an iPod... the kind with buttons, because I could hear the click of the buttons when he was going through his playlist] and came the song It's Raining Men. 

Alright, so I got a little impressed that he played that song instead of the metal, I thought it was because he was reading and wanted something less noisy to accompany him. I was expecting some other classics or oldies to come after that. 

Later on I realised that he was just playing the same song over and over again; It's Raining Men. And the stranger thing about it was, he was constantly just pressing something like a "next track" button because I could hear the starts of other metal songs before his iPod settled on It's Raining Men. 

Right to the moment I left, he was doing the same thing: manually playing the same song on repeat [is it not possible to set to 'repeat current track'???] while calmly reading his comic.

I don't know, I find it so strange and funny, like it's something worth sharing and that's why I decided to write about this here. If it's not, then too bad, you still read it anyway. 

The speech that I just cocked up

All around the world, humans use animals for many different reasons. Some keep them as pets, some use them for transport, for food, for their farm work. Some keep them for display, like hobbyists or the zoo. 

Just because of these reasons, some humans think these animals are subjected to their whatever bidding. They think they can treat these animals the way they want to. 

Neglecting the well-being of animals; torturing or killing animals for the sake of pleasure or sport; in other words: animal abuse. 

There've been many cases of animal abuse; most of which go unreported. Probably because the media feels these are not important, not worth telling the whole world about. Why? To protect their sense of humanity?

Have you realised that animals' intelligence are based on how well they are able to obey a human's command? Relatively, a human's mentality is judged off their behaviour that makes them like an animal. Why this comparison? 

As time goes on, the word 'humanity' doesn't make sense anymore. Animals are showing more sense of humanity than humans are. People abuse and kill animals, but animals rarely bother humans, only on occasions of self-defence. Humans go to forests to disturb animals and destroy their homes, but you don't see bears coming to the city to eat your food (only if they're lost though).

Humans think they are so high and mighty just because they can do what they want, but in actual fact, animals are so much more intelligent. 

Do you ever help your classmate of the same class when they are having trouble with their schoolwork? Well, geese who are in formation immediately stop flying if one of them are tired or sick, and wait until it gets better again before they continue flying. This shows how "human" these animals really are, compared to people. 

What I'm trying to say is: animals are equal to us, if not a higher league than us. They do not deserve any abuse; they have the rights to live in peace without you hurting them. You don't see lions or wolves keeping men as pets and torturing them. They have their own lives to lead, and so do we. Keep up with your own life, and stay out of the animals'. 

____

Wrote this in preparation for my speech. I just screwed it up twice the last 5 minutes :-)

The origin of chain messages

Read this some time ago, just thought I'd share it with the handful of my friends who come my blog regularly. Just so you know, I'm writing this from memory and in my own words, so I may have left out some facts or shit like that.

It's your choice to believe this or not, but one thing's for sure, I'll always get goosebumps whenever I think of it, and rush through my shower when I happen to remember it in the bathroom.

I'm not sure what year it was, probably in the 1960's or 70's. A girl was having her shower when she heard a faint sound of a girl's voice. She tried to make out where it was coming from, and apparently its source was... the water pipes???

She listened harder, and the voice turned into a giggle. She got scared, and called out to her mom; who of course told her it was probably just her imagination, and told her to quickly go to bed after her shower.

Her mother thought nothing of it, and went to bed with her daughter in her own room. In the middle of the night, a scream was heard. The mother dashed to her girl's room, to find her missing. A few hours or was it days later, her daughter was found at the bottom of the well, with her throat slit.

This girl wasn't the only one. In the neighbourhood, three other girls too went missing from their bedrooms and died the same way.

So who was the murderer?

Some time ago, before the first girl's life was taken, she and the other three girls were constantly bullying their quiet classmate. They tormented her and pushed her down a well, where she'd knocked her head against the wall, and had broken her neck at an awkward angle.

Their school announced her death, and when asked, these 4 bullies said that she had been the one who had seeked trouble with them; that she was pushed down the well only by accident, out of self-defence.

This story spread across the school like wildfire. Everyone was gossiping about a dead schoolmate... The spirit had gotten angry because everyone had chosen to believe her bullies. She couldn't let them all get away with it like that, so; she decided to take their lives the same way she had died.

Anyone else who believed the bullies' side of the story would also be on her victims list.

That is why, according to those chain messages: if you don't believe this spirit's side of the story or spread the message about her innocence, she'll hunt you down and kill you. Just like what she did with her bullies.

Who knows, if you don't retweet this blog post, she'd consider you as her next victim.

When Happiness and Pain sit on a see-saw

This other day, I was at Clementi Mall with 'Aamir, when he asked me if I would buy him cookies. He's liked these certain cookies since forever, but they're a little on the pricey side. I told him I couldn't buy those for him because they were expensive, and he immediately said it's okay, with this sad look on his face.

I felt bad after that, and I said okay I'll buy them for you, with sincerity yet with pain in the heart thinking of the money I'd have to spend. Ever get that feeling before? When you really don't mind, yet it hurts you to do it, because of a certain personal problem?

This may seem unrelated, and totally off from the above; but this whole thing with 'Aamir and his cookies reminded me of my mother. The way she'd happily buy me things even though she didn't have enough for herself, the way my happiness came before her financial difficulties.

I still remember how I'd always throw a tantrum when she wouldn't buy me a book [Mary-Kate and Ashley books that were probably only S$6.95 back then], until she had to give in. I'd feel happy, yet I'd feel bad, deep inside. Maybe she was also happy to buy what I want, yet reluctant because of the fact that she'd spent her money on something unnecessary.

Even when I'm happy here to be with my grandma and the cats, sometimes this part of me wants to go back to the house in Pasir Ris, and be okay with my parents and brothers again.

If you can't relate, then to make it easier I guess it's like when you have lots of money and you buy so many clothes on impulse, and then when you think about it, you're like, I'm happy with my stuff but all that money... And also like how you'd feel when you break up with someone; It's better this way, but now I don't have a special someone anymore. No?

I can't explain this tug-of-war feeling between your happiness in achieving something, and the reluctance of the sacrifice you had made to get it.

In a way it is.

Some people have no idea how fortunate we Singaporeans are in terms of transportation. We have buses, MRTs, cabs. Sure, sometimes these services get cocked up, but at the end of the day they'll always be there to bring you place to place wherever and whenever.

In my years of living here, I've experienced all kinds of things on these transports. I became fascinated with MRT lines, I got amazed with the views and journeys on long bus rides. And the one from childhood: taxi drivers' stories.

My mom took me out on taxis a lot. To and fro all kinds of places. I've met so many kinds of taxi drivers, and the best one from my childhood was this Chinese one who talked about how much he respected Malays. He was the one who taught me to pronounce Elias the Malay way.

All my life I've listened to their stories, about history in the country and recent news, but I'd never met any taxi driver who listened to mine. Last week I overslept, and because of that, I had to take a cab to school. It was an Indian man, who winded/wound [not sure of the past tense of 'wind down'] his windows to ask where I wanted to go, and only taking me in when I told him to Ngee Ann Poly.

The first question he asked me when I was seated was what course I'm in. Of course, the most dreaded question in my poly life. I straightout told him I was in Engineering, thinking that he was gonna be wow and such amaze and shit. And yep. He was. He said, "Wow, a girl in Engineering!"

But after that, he asked me if it was really my interest at all. I said no. He told me he knew it, and that he knew how it must feel like. He didn't have any interest in Engineering either, but he coped with that shit just for his diploma; because that's when you can really go for whatever you want.

"I wanted to be in Media, but my O Level results were not good enough for that.", I told him, and he said, "No, darling, it doesn't yet matter what you want. Now, since you are in Engineering, you cherish your spot in this course and study hard to get your diploma."

"With a diploma, a huge part of the battle has been won. After that you can go for your Media, no problem", he said. "And it's better if you have a diploma, so you don't have to depend on men when you're married! If the man wants to divorce you, so be it!, you can depend on yourself for money because you can find work on your own!"

He told me as long as there's passion, you'll be able to do anything.

But for now, since this is what I'm in, I've just got to study harder than I've ever loved my passion.

You may think it's nothing much. But to me, it means more than you imagine. It's something I should have known from the very start. Something I should have drilled into my head along the way of the past half a year or so. And the way he said it, made it seem like this is my battle in life.

This god-damned loneliness

I fucking swear everything and everyone is pissing the fuck out of me right now. I'd woken up late today, and was forced to take a cab to school. There goes 20 bucks, though I'm glad I met this taxi driver. Shall talk about him and our conversations some other time.

For now, I really mean it when EVERYTHING IS PISSING ME OFF. I keep getting typos when I'm texting and typing, and it just drives me crazy to have to push backspace every damn time. And now there's something fucking wrong with my backspace button on the keyboard. It doesn't fucking delete quickly when I hold the damn button what the fuck.

And there's also the damn Internet. I swear, all my life in NP I've never had any damn problems with the Wifi. Never. And I mean it when I say never. It's always been super quick and shit. Now even my damn 3G is faster than the Wifi, and this has never been the fucking case.

Maybe it's because I'm hungry. Yep. BUT WE ALL KNOW I HAVE NO FUCKING FRIENDS IN FUCKING POLY. To eat alone is easier said than done, especially if you are me. It hurts. I'd asked Shi Hui to eat with me but apparently she just wants to rush home as quick as possible... It's 12 noon. Not midnight.

Would love to make friends with one of 'Aamir's guy classmates from secondary school because we seemed to share many interests. But of course the boyfriend doesn't allow it. It's not okay when this classmate of his has the same liking of traveling around the country, when he himself never has time to go further than the West with me.

Started off this post with everything pissing me off. Now I'm just feeling sad.

Am I not fated to make friends, or to keep friends? I want to make friends with girls too but it's so hard, because they always seem a league higher than I am. I know I'm weird, I know I'm not as girlish as you guys but hais.

Maybe if I hadn't screwed things up in Semester 1 I'd still be with Susan and Shafie right now. If I'd studied hard I'd be with Susan, and even if I hadn't, I'd still be close with Shafie right now because most of our current classes are together too. I miss them. I won't admit it, but I miss being with them.

The only people here in poly I'd consider friends are probably just the handful of my Comiss classmates. Still, there are problems because they all probably have their own cliques in school, and we most likely don't have lunch at the same time anyway.

This god-damned loneliness. I have 'Aamir, I have Siying and the rest of the girls, I have Luke whom I'd just forgiven yesterday, but I'm still feeling so fucking lonely. I wish I have a friend who would travel the country with me. I'm sorry to say this but I need someone to take 'Aamir's place in this, because he just never brings me around. I'm travel-deprived, I need to move around please.

Would take this chance to write a little something to a little someone, who reached out to me a few months ago only to just push me away. I get that you just don't want to get too attached to someone because you'll end up hurt. But why didn't you think of me? You actually have the heart to hurt me in order to save yourself? Are you not grateful there's someone here who actually wants to know you better?

Sigh this god-damned loneliness.

In memory of my own prom nights

Last night was prom night for my pies Nura and Nazirah, judging from their Instagram photos, and tonight, by the looks of some tweets on my timeline, is the prom night for none other than my secondary school's 2013 graduates.

Here I am right now, not helping it, in the reminiscence of my own prom night memory. As someone who had taken O Levels in Sec 5, I'd gotten opportunity for two prom nights in secondary school. Heheh. *grins* I'm gonna tell you all about it now...

2011.

Of course, since N Levels had ended first, we NA and NT students of the 2011 cohort had had more time to prepare for this legendary night. Me and my 7 girls were pumped up for it; we had a rare outing of all 8 of us with the intention of getting ourselves prom dresses.

I wasn't very confident to begin with, but I'd gotten myself a dress that was way out of my league. God, I feel so embarrassed recalling this, remembering my excitement for something I shouldn't have been so pumped out about. UGH.

On the very day, I'd gotten help from Sabrina, who wasn't even going herself. Out of the 8 of us, only 5 of us made it to prom night; Farizah who didn't have anything to wear [for all I remember] and Shushan who had bought her dress but couldn't make it due to family emergency.

How I remember so clearly, how beautiful the other 4 of my best friends were. How beautiful they were, and how hideous I were. I swear, I fucking swear... I was utterly hideous. I'm not lying when I say I'm dead embarrassed by this memory. I feel like crying now.

Not only that. You see, at that time I was like the class videographer, recording memories and shit around 4/2 2011. I'd used all my footage from the year to make a video for that night, because all the classes had to make one to be shown on the big screen. How pumped up I was, how hard I worked on that god damned video.

And what happened? Two of my classmates from the other classroom clique had made their own, and our form teacher had used that to be shown on the screen. To think that I believed my form teacher when she said she liked mine and that she would use it. She was the one who asked me to make it anyway, after I'd told her my hobby of making videos. Their video was just a simple slide show anyway. Mine had footage which corresponded with a song that described us as a class, and even a speech from our class Chairman who had been the one to hold our class together the entire year.

You know how heartbroken I was? Well I'll tell you how shattered I was: 5 seconds into their video, I realised it wasn't what I'd made, and I broke down into wails that were loud enough to make everyone look at me. Exactly like a baby's wailing, except it was from this ugly girl in a hideous dress on her fucking prom night.

Don't let me go on to the dancing part please.

2012.

Aha. The lonely year. You can pretty much know what to expect from a socially anxious girl with no friends on her prom night.

First things first, I'd gotten into suspension nearly half the year, and because of this, the discipline master wouldn't allow me to go for this prom night. I didn't give a shit actually, until the time when the other girls from my 5/1 2012 had asked me to join them for recess.

Since then, I'd come to school more regularly and that was when my form teacher said that the DM was giving me a chance to go for my prom night.

Although I was starting to get along with the rest of my classmates, I still felt unsure about being at prom night with them. I'd heard that the girls from my clique [wasn't with them at the time] weren't going, I'd thought that without at least Shushan or Asleah there [despised Siying and Pearl then and didn't give a shit that they weren't going], I'd feel like crap with the rest of 5/1 which was pretty much their own clique.

Social issues weren't the only problem. There were also the scars. How hideous they made me feel, even if I could hide them. To think it was the last prom I could've gone to, not just prom but graduation night.

So there we go. Pretty much screwed the only prom night I'd made it to, and didn't even turn up for my real graduation night. Here I am now with more confidence than I'd ever had over the last few years, and only just regretting having not made it to the only times when I could have shone.

Even 'Aamir looked so handsome during his own prom night last year. Here he is being so self-conscious and shit but still having the chance to have looked so charming. There's Nura who I know has low self-esteem and still manages to smile and look gorgeous in all her prom photos last night.

I swear to myself, the next time there's a prom or a dance or whatever, I'm fucking going. Whether or not I've any friends or date to go with. And I'll make sure I'll stand tall with my chin up, because that's the only way to look stunning even with this ugly face and heart of mine.

P.s. you can find the Grad Night Vid Surprise For 4/2 video on Youtube.

Woeful Wednesday - Lost between the purple and red lines???

I'm sorry, I know nobody gives a shit but I'm sorry I haven't been writing in for a week T.T I've been busy with school, of course, ending at 5 every day and going home only to be too exhausted to turn on my laptop again.

O Levels are over aren't they! But I'm sorry my dear Natalee, I can't make a date with you anytime soon because of all these rubbish called homework and revision. Sigh.

Okay so yes, I end school at 5 every single day, except for Wednesday, which ends at 12. I've decided that Wednesdays shall be my travel days, because who the hell wants to go home at 12 in the afternoon? Okay tired people would. But not me!

Last, last Wednesday I'd gone to Bishan and took bus 54 [I think] to Far East Plaza. I'd wanted to go Woodleigh but there weren't any buses that specified 'Woodleigh Stn'.

And then last Wednesday I'd gone to Serangoon because someone had purchased my item on Carousell. Took a 52 to Bishan where I took a 53 to Serangoon, and don't laugh at me, but... I just found out that Ang Mo Kio is right next to Serangoon. WOW.

Right after trading the item for money, I still had free time so I decided to go Woodleigh. It's just one station after Serangoon on the North East Line, but we all know me. I was deadset on taking a full bus journey, so that was just what I tried to do.

I took bus 70 from Serangoon, because the board says it passes a "Gracehaven S Army". I automatically assumed it to be a Salvation Army thrift store, because the one at Upper Bukit Timah is called Praisehaven after all. I thought everything would go fine!

Well, and then I missed the stop. I had Woodleigh on my mind, but I realised that I was already in Yio Chu Kang territory. Do you know how freaked out I was!? Sure, I may be an expert in the North South Line, but damn! What the hell!? I was in Serangoon just a minute ago...!?

I alighted in the middle of nowhere and crossed the road to take the same bus back. I found the Gracehaven, but it turned out not to be a store. Sure, it was a Salvation Army building, but it wasn't a store. I just continued walking on ahead, until I ended up on a random avenue in Hougang ._.

It took me a while to surrender. I was so insistent on traveling by bus, and I was so damn determined to find Woodleigh station via buses. In the end I gave up, took 109 back to Serangoon and just took the MRT. Do you know how many pieces my heart had broken into when I tapped my Ez-link card on the reader!? Do you!?

When I got to Woodleigh, I made sure to see what buses stopped at that bus stop. And guess what? There was a bus 13. Which is a bus that freaking comes from god damned Bishan station. [not the Interchange, but the station outside Junction 8] Like damn!

I guess I have a lot to learn. But at least now I know that MRT Lines are not equal to roads! It's about time I travel the roads, and thanks to bus concession and my free Wednesday afternoons, I guess that's no problem at all!

As for the coming week, I've already made a few plans for different days. Pumped up for each and every one of them! Shall blog about my Carousell loots very soon. Have done a trade, have posted out a parcel for the very first time of my life thanks to the best friend Siying, and currently awaiting for my own parcel to arrive. Whoopwhoop!

I've had bad experiences with postage, even with registered mailing. I can never forget my Pikachu thumbdrives the most, because I'd gotten one for 'Aamir as well, only to be told they had been 'lost in the mail'. I never really trusted mailing after that. Now is my first time in a long time accepting it back into my life. Hope it doesn't screw up this time.

Sad parts of being tall

If you're a girl and I ask you what quality of mine would you like, you'd most probably say my height. Right? All my life I've always been getting remarks about my height, about girls wanting to be tall.

I've been tall all my life, even as a young primary schoolkid. I grow older and people tell me to be a model or a stewardess. But just so you know, being tall as a girl isn't as fantastic as you think.

Right from the beginning of primary school, I remember very clearly how the teacher told us to arrange ourselves from shortest to tallest. At that time I was the third tallest girl in class, and I was always put at the back of the line, or the classroom.

The first time we took a class photo in primary 1, I was always to be put at the back row. The photographer will be like, "Please arrange yourselves to your height.", and all the girls would immediately know to put themselves before me.

The problem remained even when I grew older. When I was in lower sec, there weren't many guys to crush on because all of them were shorter than me. When I got together with the guy whom I had a crush on since sec 2, everyone laughed because we didn't suit each other; he was a little shorter than me, that's why.

Even now in 2013, I still see many setbacks about being tall. My latest addiction to Carousell; the clothes there are usually secondhand, and selling because of reasons like "too short for me" or "too tight for me". Most of those girls are of average height or petite; if they can't fit, neither can I. I'd always have to ask for measurements and most of the time, it's still too short for me.

Even the preorders are tailored for shorter girls. I've tried to pre-order some tops before, and sadly they were of short lengths, and do not look good on me at all. You know the word singkat? As ugly as the word, that's how ugly singkat stuff looks on me.

Not many boys will like you if you're tall either. I guess guys just want girls shorter than them so they won't feel overpowered, and so they won't look weird together.

Yes I have 'Aamir, but even so, yes there are still sad parts of being tall. Girls like taller guys, so they can bury their face in their chests when you hug. I can't deny that I'd actually like that either. I do accept that 'Aamir is the same height as me, but I wish I can totally drown myself in his arms instead of having to hang my head over his shoulder.

And then there's the issue with heels. The only reason why I'm not used to them is because I don't wear them; but that's because of my height! I actually would love to wear heels! But with a clique of girl best friends of average and petite heights who don't always wear heels? No. With a boyfriend of the same height? No.

Even the fashion Youtubers whose videos I like to watch are petite girls. They're always giving tips about how to make yourself look tall, or other fashion ideas for petite girls. I need a fashion Youtuber who is 170 cm tall please!!!

And also. You can never be cute if you're tall. Or, you have to be cool/hot/sexy. Damn, Idk whether you agree but this is what my self-conscious tells me. I'm neither of that. It's hard. Here I am, standing tall but damn shy when I'm supposed to be standing proud with my head to the sky. But nope.

Yes, I'm 170 cm tall as of the last time I checked. I'd probably only get the chance to wear heels when 'Aamir has reached his full growth. Probably 3 years from now. I'm slowly learning to cherish my height, and be proud of being tall, as many setbacks as there are.

Miserable Monday - Rescued by the prince

Everyone hates Mondays. Well who doesn't????

Shut up. The answer is me. I like Mondays. 

____

3rd week of Comiss, my favourite module ever! Oh how I look forward to seeing Wani and Shan and everyone else again! I wake up half an hour earlier, do a little notifications check on my phone and get up to decide what to wear. 

I go for my shower first, before settling for my floral chiffon top with the usual black skinnies. Granny makes me hot Milo as usual, along with two pieces of prata. Damn I love prata!! I gobble everything up, despite knowing a stomachache will come, because I'm too excited for school! 

I let pass the fact that it's my first day of the time of the month. Little do I know, that this decision to wolf down breakfast like this would be the worst decision I would have ever made... 

The first few pangs come when I've boarded bus 197. I think I'm doomed, because it's a long journey ahead and there's like one and a half hour more to go before reaching the end. I try to comfort myself by popping in mints, by massaging my tummy, or simply diverting my thoughts. It helps. For a while. 

Trying to act normal and shit, I finally alight at Jurong East and try to walk to JCube. A few steps, and I find that my stomach is feeling better! What fuckery is this? I divert my way and head towards the CPF Building instead, where I can find POSB deposit machines. 

Everything is fine... Until I'm at the front of the line. Once again I try to handle the pain until I've deposited some tens of dollars I've saved, before hurrying back to JCube B1. What's with the two Jurong East malls having no toilets on the first floor?

Oh such pain! My stomach is in so much pain! I feel so miserable and angry at the same time, as I sit on the toilet tweeting. I lean back. I bend forward til my hair touches the floor. Finding positions to get that shit out is so intense.

Nothing comes out, but guess what? Instead of pooping, I get up, turn around and immediately vomit into the bowl. I get the urge again, but this time nothing except spit. And then again, this time a lot more vomit than before. It smells like prata in here! I knew eating breakfast is always a terrible idea!

I spit again, and this is when I find it difficult to move. My stomach pains restrict me from making a single move, because I will get the urge to puke again. I try to limit my movements, and it leaves only one thing to do, and that is, believe it or not: to call my boyfriend. 

So I do, I call the fag, and tell him or more like whine to him about what's going on. I don't usually make phone calls when I'm in a toilet cubicle, but here I am, slurring my words like I'm drunk, crying in pain, and raising my voice in frustration when he doesn't get what I'm saying. 

His last words are "I don't know what to do!" , right before I immediately hang up. 

I gather courage to get out, with the intention to lie down somewhere. At this point of time my vision is kind of corrupted, maybe from constantly turning my head upside down earlier. You know when you stand up too quick and the blood rushes to your head and you see stars? I saw those stars for about 2 minutes before they disappear and I can stand straight again. I settle in for the staircase lobby, where it was dimly lit. I find a corner, dumped by bag as a pillow and just crash. God. Why do you do this to me??? 

'Aamir calls. He asks me where I am, and he says he's ditched class and is on his way. God thank you God!!! Thank you for giving me such a kind boyfriend. What have I ever done to deserve this? I lie on the staircase landing, trying not to cry as other shoppers occasionally walk past. 

By the time he reaches I've already made my way out and to a seat on the first floor of JCube. He passes me a box of menstrual Panadols and brings me to NTUC where he buys me a bottle of mineral water. He makes me eat a pill in the middle of the way, insisting that I eat it before we make any other moves. 

Afterwards he tells me to eat and I protest, believing with all my heart that it was the breakfast which made me so miserable. He still insists, and although I've no appetite at all, I give in. 

He buys me McNuggets with hot tea, which I add 4 packs of sugar to. He goes back to being an annoying other half, and that's when I start to feel a little better. The stomach pains fade away.

I've already made an appointment at Lakeside, so he brings me. He and I are just being ourselves again, and I'm feeling so much better! Not only in my tummy but in my heart too awwww. And I manage to trip him like how he's always doing to me! I can't stop giggling. 

____

I like Mondays, yes. 

Though today was a little miserable at first [I swear the cramps were damn painful okay???], today's no exception. I like Mondays. 

Thank you for rescuing me today fag. You're such a kind person I don't even know where to begin. You skipped class and threw your money and face away to buy me menstrual pills, and you can even say "Nah it's my responsibility babe." Why did God send you to me when I'm such an asshole??? Ugh you're so awesome it hurts.

P.s. Still calling you Fag. 

P.p.s Love you (;

Alternate days' updates, and... PICTURES?

Hey there.

I'm in such a comfortable position right now, I don't think I'll complete this post very soon. I'm just slacking here on my pillow, against my pile of clothes hahahahahah. Ha.

So where have I been? What have I been up to? Do you even care? Well, if you don't, then all the more reason for me to tell you! Wowowowowowoooopp!

Shall I tell you my entire week? Well, I suppose I shall. So bear with me. Or maybe I'm just gonna write about the alternate days. Yep. I don't remember what happened on Thursday.

The time now is 12:41PM. We shall see what time I end this post. I'm such a slacker.

Monday, 28th of October, 2013.

Jurong East. 

2nd week of Comiss. I must admit I was already looking forward to this lesson from the very first one. My comiss classmates are such wonderful people! If you remember the guy who held out his hand for the stapler and not for a handshake, yep his name is Shan. And yep he's one of my Comiss classmates.

Best part of that Monday was when Shan began singing suddenly, "Cause I don't wanna lose you now~" It immediately thundered loud right after that, and I was like, "Sial ah, you sing only then got thunder sia!" And I just couldn't stop giggling whenever I thought about the way he sang so horribly!

I met 'Aamir afterwards, we got burgers from Maccy D, sat down at the stairs by the station while I told him many more of the things which happened. And that made me so happy, to be able to tell him my day at school again. Don't even remember the last time I did that.

Oh and by the way, I'd worn a polyester maxi skirt on this day. On my own accord. Anyone proud of me yet?

Wednesday, 30th of October, 2013.

Pasir Ris / Jurong East. 

I'm just gonna skip out on Tuesday because I just had 2 hours of lecture and I went straight home afterwards, so nothing much really happened.

So! Wednesday! The day before, I'd gotten a call from my previous employer [employer really? I'm not sure what to label him] to come collect my cheque when I'm free. I decided to go on Wednesday since I ended school quite early.

Made my way all the way to Pasir Ris, where I took a bus straight to my old workplace, Tampines' retail park. Upon reaching the receptionist said he was out for lunch, so I thought I'd grab my own as well. But alas and alack, I bumped into him on the way out.

Blahblahbloo, he told me to wait at the couch on the 4th floor, and he came out some time later with a cheque. Here's where it gets confusing.

Shushan, who got me this job in the first place, had mentioned CPF. On my last few days of work, I kept counting and recounting the amount my salary would be, and I even subtracted off the CPF amount. It totaled up between the range of 650-700.

When he gave me the cheque, it had $707. I got confused, and I stared at it with this questioning look. The only thing that ran in my mind at the time was, "Why is it so much?"

So he asked me, "Wei, are you okay?", to which I'd answered, "I'm just not sure how to count the CPF."

It was his turn to get lost. He answered, "Oh no, you don't get CPF because you're not through agency. Shushan is, and that's why she has."

So I said, "Well if that's the case, then my pay should definitely be higher than this." [Yes people, I said that]

Blahblahblah again, and I told him that I've been counting my pay, and the salary I should be getting should definitely be more than $800. He brought me back to his office and that was when he saw the mistake: they had counted the hourly rate as 7 instead of the 8 that he had told me on the first day of work.

IN SHORT!, it was a wasted trip to the East.

I traveled back to the West afterwards, back to Jurong East where I met 'Aamir once again. We had an early dinner at Maccy D again, where as always he was irritating the hell out of me.

Afterwards I had to pester him to accompany me window shopping at Topshop because I've never shopped there before. I practically begged him and in the end he only gave me 5 minutes. Meh.

I just had to touch all the long-sleeved chiffon and knit and denim, I just couldn't resist. And I also had to put on every single hat in the store, my goodness! I want a bowler hat!

And yup. That was the end of our date.

Friday, 01st November, 2013.

Tampines / Choa Chu Kang. 

Oh yaaaay first day of the month yaaaaaaayyayyayayyyy.
Yay.

Okay so I had a long day at school. First class was at 8, last ends at 5, with a freaking 3-hours break in between. IT'S EXHAUSTING OKAY? I hate the long break. It's so damn redundant. But that's what I get for being a repeat student, so whatever.

I ended school half an hour earlier so I headed off to Dover to meet Shushan. Destination for the day was Tampines, because a Carouseller had purchased my H&M Stockings. Yup, yay!

But guess what? I was already nearing Simei when the buyer told me neither she nor her brother could make it to meet me. Being the nice person I am, I told her Oh it's okay, I was just passing by my home anyway, I'll just drop by here then. No problem. Because I didn't want her to feel bad.

IN SHORT!, another wasted trip to the East.

So 'Aamir had invited me to his school for the night, because his classmate Dina had a dance performance. The wasted trip to the East had eaten up my time, definitely, and as hard as I'd tried to rush, I didn't make it in time for her performance. I'm so sorry Dina.

I got lost in the school prior to that, and this group of two Malay girls and a Malay guy approached me and asked me for directions. We decided to go together and when we were waiting for the lift, the guy looked at me and said in a low voice to the girls, "Melayu eh?" the girls just shrugged and I heard one of them saying No lah. Well hey, if you are reading this, YES. MELAYU.

I had a merry time though. Idk about you guys but I think Malays are really talented in dancing.

'Aamir and I left early, along with his classmates Farhan and Marcus. While waiting for my bus, the fag kept pestering me to finish the cake that Yazid's mom had made. I pretended to scowl and told him I'd only eat it if he feeds me [just me being annoying, demanding things to irritate him], so he scooped up a whole bunch and told me to open my mouth.

I did, and Idk what happened, but he freaking slammed the cake at the side of my mouth instead. Cream was all over my mouth, and pieces of the cake had fallen to the ground and my freaking maroon jeans.

I really didn't know how to react, I mean, well. He's clumsy, so it could have been an accident. But he's also an asshole, which means it might be on purpose, knowing he'd probably had a mindset of "You want me to feed you, this is what you get muahahahah".

Either way, my reaction would still be an emotionless face because I'm used to it, along with a very pissed "'Aamir Kamsari." BECAUSE HE'S JUST NEVER SHORT OF HIS ANTICS.

But that's just what I like about being with him.

____

I guess that's it for now.

I've been browsing on Carousell a lot, and I've already confirmed wanting to purchase three items. Just today, I'd gotten three enquiries on three different items of mine. But they all decided to pass instead. Sigh. Still can't help getting excited whenever I receive Carousell notifications, yay.

And guess what! From now on, I'm gonna post pictures.
But still to keep in touch with myself, it's just gonna be a once-in-a-month thing. Perhaps a little bit of earlier in the month? Because I'm really excited to show you what I got on Carousell, that's why!

There're flea markets today, which sadly I can't make it to! [because I'm just lazy, so sorry] If you're wandering on the streets right now wondering where to go, try Suntec Convention Centre or Lucky Plaza Level 6.

I'm gonna head back to my endless scrolling through Carousell. How I hope people would buy my items T.T I'm on a journey to change my fashion sense, that's why.

Oh guess what! The time now is 2:41 PM. Two hours to write this post eh. That's slow.

For Nura - Getting started on exploring SG

If I were to tell a new friend, "I love traveling,", they'd immediately think that I'm talking about the world. Yes, everyone who knows me knows I like to travel, but no... I don't get out of my country at all. I travel, but only in Singapore.

This actually only started in the year 2013. Before I met 'Aamir, I'd never been anywhere further than Paya Lebar, where my aunt's house is. In fact, the first time I visited my aunt on my own, without my Mom bringing me, was only 3 years ago. 

Just a year ago I didn't even know how to transfer to the North South Line when I came from Pasir Ris. Maybe it was because Mom was always bringing me everywhere, which most of the time was via cab. Of course I grew older, and of course I moved out and made a new city my new hometown; and that was when I started expanding my horizon.

A job in the East, a school in the West, and a boyfriend from the North. You bet that because of all these little things I had to travel a lot around. Everything was fine until the point of time when I realised that adult fare really sucks. School started and I discovered an all-bus journey from home, so as much as I liked the MRT, I decided that bus concession was a lot more worth it. 

So what's my point of this post??? I've actually been planning to write about my "navigational memory/gift" shit, but that won't be it. I read my good friend Nura's blog post, about how she wants to explore Singapore. I'm gonna write about a few of the things I did when I started out this exploring thing, and other things you'd like to do when starting out yourself. 

I'm not sure if this would help you, or if this post is damn irrelevant because I know Singapore is small and many people think it's not worth exploring because there's nothing here. If that's what you think, I suggest you walk the whole country without discovering new things, before I allow you to tell me there's nothing interesting here. 

And I'd also prefer for you to shut up unless you can go to any place in Singapore without getting lost.

Oh yes, I've remembered my intention of this post. It's to assure Nura that with these factors, you will never get lost if you want to explore. 

1. MRT Lines

Yes. My best friend. Start out by exploring the many different MRT Lines. Start out going on the line you're familiar with, but right at the other end instead. If you're from Jurong East, head on to Bishan. If you're from Tampines, head on to Boon Lay. Eventually you'll want to move on to the other lines, and that's just the fun part.

Get used to traveling on MRTs. And I'm not saying get used to the crowds, I'm talking about the "don't complain about going to Harbourfront if you live in Woodlands" kind of get used to it. 

And don't just stare at the people sitting opposite you. Stand by the doors and just look out wherever, so you can see if there's any station worth exploring. Or if you wanna sit then you could just turn your head and look out the windows. [Only for parts of the North South and East West Lines though, of course] 

2. Long bus rides

Set aside $27, or $52 if you're a Poly student like me [because fuck adult fares, that's why], head on to the counter at MRT stations and top up bus concession. Restrain yourself from taking the MRT, and just stick to bus rides to wherever. If you don't know what bus to take to a destination, there are bus boards for a reason. There is Google for a reason. You have 3G for a reason. [or if you don't then just plan ahead]

Why long bus rides? Because then you'll familiarise yourself with the roads. Not every place is within an MRT station, at least, not yet. Til then, instead of listening to music and just stoning out the window pretending you're in a music video, try observing your surroundings. Read the street/road signs. If you have to take this bus ride frequently in your life, great. Eventually the names will stick to your head and if you're ever looking for some place, you'll remember it. 

Or better still, just go on long bus rides from one end to another for fun. Take 67 from Choa Chu Kang all the way to Tampines and check that out. Take 168 from Bedok all the way to Woodlands, and explore the shit out of unfamiliar places. 

3. Shopping? Food? Attractions?

Decide what you're looking for. When I read about the thrift shops, I must admit that I've never heard most of the street names before. Only when the blog entries mentioned a nearby MRT station was I able to find out where their locations were. 

Once you know what you're looking for, it should be easy to narrow down where you're going. You'll know straight on where you want to go. You'll know you're heading to Central. You know you're heading to this street. This building. Blablabla. That way, you'll also make sure that you're going somewhere, and won't be disappointed if you go somewhere new to see that there's nothing you find interesting. 

4. Don't be scared.

Don't. If you want to explore, you go all out. Don't be like Oh shit Bukit Timah is so weird, help me I'm from Pasir Ris I don't know this shit asdfghjkl Just think of where you WANT to go instead of where you came from. I can't lie to you, but yes, you will get lost. But no, you don't need anyone to be with you. You have to be fearless. It's your country. I know it's not as fun as road trips across America or whatnot, but hey whatever. Going around Singapore on buses and MRTs is just as cool.

If you do ever get lost... 

No worries at all. Just continue walking if you're looking for someplace. If you're lost in the way that you've no idea where you are anymore and you just want to go home, just find a nearby bus stop and look at the board. Don't just read the interchange where it terminates, that's a bad habit which I only just recently dropped. Look at the list of bus stops as well and you'll never know if you see someplace familiar, or an MRT station that's nearer to where you live. 

I'd rather you explore when you've got more money. You'll never know if you see something you really like, or if you wanna eat some cake at a little cafe, or most importantly if you just need to top up your Ez-link. 

#1 and #2 are what you need to start off with. Familiarise yourself, that's what I'd like to say. And get used to it and not fret over distance. Only then will you be able to move on to #3, because you will get used to bus rides and shit. 

Most importantly is of course #4, because as long as you are scared, you won't get anywhere. Don't ask anyone to come along because it's best to go alone. That way, you don't have to be under pressure if your companion gets tired, or the other way around. You do things your way. Doesn't that sound wonderfrou?

I'm not sure if this helps but I hope it does. People complain about Singapore every single day, but only because they focus on a few little little things. Yea the education system sucks indeed but I still love the familiarity of the roads in my country okay? Go explore and blog about it, cutiepie. 

Faith

What are you thinking? I will never know. You used to beg me all the time, never to leave you no matter how shitty you got. You told me to bear with you, and I did, and I would have even if you didn't tell me to.

And because my behaviour definitely gets shitty too, I wanted you to stay despite that as well. We promised never to leave each other. And due to what you've been through because of me, I had faith that you would always bear with me. Because you were the only one who's seen this much of me and still decided to stay.

I had so much faith in you.

Still, I knew that didn't mean I should keep being bitchy, thinking I'd get away with it. Well, I tried to change. I tried to be more adoring. I tried to be less stubborn, though I admit this was super difficult. When you said I was over-attached, I tried to text you lesser too, giving less energetic responses, though in the end I cried because it didn't make me happy to be giving you the cold shoulder.

You once said to me, a long time ago, "Thank you for your sacrifices." The word sacrifices. I didn't even know what I was doing for you could be called that. All I knew was everything I'd ever done for you was out of my own will. I may not have done much to begin with, but... Yeah. Sacrifices. I didn't know I made those. Because you really are important to me.

My pride. My ego. You and I, we both know these are my prized possessions. I don't think you've known me with 100% of my ego, because I think I've always put aside enough for your sake. How many times have I said sorry for hurting you, how many times have I said sorry for being angry at you when you were the one who hurt me.

After all we've been through are you really gonna let it all go? Right after persuading me never to leave you, even after the numerous times I was on the verge of doing so. This unfairness is one thing, but didn't I tell you before, when you're in a relationship you gotta love three things and that is the person, the memories, and the possibility of a future.

There comes a time when you would hate me like hell. That's the time you gotta stop and think, What has she ever done for me? What have I ever done for her? You've done so much for me, and it's gonna be a waste if you let it all go just like that. I did this for myself too, by thinking of whatever we've done for each other, what we've been through together. Because I swear to you, it really helps. It's how I'd managed to always stay with you no matter what.

My faith in you is what helps the possibility of a future thing. I believe in our relationship and that's why I don't mind spending my last bucks on a meal for you. Let others see this as silly, but we always have conversations about marriage. I've mentioned you paying back all the money you want as a husband, though I laughed when I said that but it's true isn't it?

I'm sidetracking from my main topic. What's my main topic again?

I don't know, but I believe I've done my best. I know it was a mistake on my part to have made you my everything. But I guess I just have that much faith in you. I believed in us so strongly. Just like back in our "courting" days, when you tried so hard to make me happy because you believed in us. I guess it's my turn. It'll always be my turn.

I told you again and again I'll always fight for you. Perhaps when you told me Goodbye, you were just signalling me to pull you back. Girls aren't the only sensitive people and I've learnt that through my relationship with you. I'm sorry I didn't bother to ask you what's wrong when I should, and I'm sorry for asking what's wrong when the time is not right. I'm sorry for asking you what's wrong when I myself didn't see it.

I guess a huge part of me is just really angry at you for breaking my faith in you. I think I stand strong for my faith while with you it's about the trust.

Anyway, you know I'm always angry for no reason, you do. I know too that I'm always quick to surrender to anger and blame, especially in the rush and panicky moments like when I dropped my laptop. And really, what makes it hard for me to part with you at the end of a date is always due to the fact that you're angry at me. I just can't stand letting you go home angry or upset, and yet I have no idea how to treat your emotions. I know I always ended up making things worse, but that's my reason for it.

And about the topping up your ezlink part... I've really never used the machine to top up before okay, apart from when I used Netts. I swear I've never used coins on it before. I did saw that the slot was closed, but I really thought it was gonna open when you slip in a coin. All I thought, when you were walking away, was that you didn't have enough money to top up. I asked you what's wrong because it was a reaction on my part, for wanting to help you out.

I guess that's all I can say now. I feel better now. You do know I will always fight for you no matter what. Because I will never ever forget how you never gave up on me during our younger days.

I suppose now it's your choice what you want to make this post of: the start, or the end.

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Goodbye ego

You know what I'm gonna say. [A part of me isn't sure if you'd be reading this, but you did say that you would always read my every post. I believe you.]

After the whole Clementi episode [see previous post by clicking the arrow at the bottom of this post if you are on mobile] , I didn't text him at all. It was probably the longest I'd gone without trying to start a conversation with him, or apologising or whatever. About 24 hours, and that's already a long time.

I would probably have asked him out honestly, probably would have texted him at 4pm. But my cousin already made a date with me so I just decided that, Okay, let's just continue not texting him for a little longer. I didn't have the time to check my phone when I was already with my cousin and her hubby anyway. I only used my phone to Instagram my yoghurt and when I was finally on the way home.

And what did I see? He had DM-ed me, saying goodbye. Went to his profile to see that he had removed me from his bio and was tweeting shit like being alone and, shit. My first reaction was WHAAAT. I guess at this point of time I was so not bothered that I just went to my bio and removed him. And straightway tweeted about badly needing to pee.

The first thing he tweeted afterwards was a "Are you really done with me?"
1. I did not decide on anything didn't I? You were the one who suddenly made this decision without talking to me first. Communication. That's also one important thing of a relationship. But you? You never had communication with me recently as well. And then just decided on a break-up without even telling me what's wrong.
2. That tone was just so fucking doubtful. At this point of time you'd think he should have straightway texted me himself, and start a bloody conversation regarding this issue. But nope. Nope. NOPE.

Am I really done with you? Ask yourself. You know me better.

But in case not, I'm just gonna go through some things I've done which should easily answer your question.

How many times... Have I put everything behind me?
Whenever we fought and you said something like "I think we should part,", I'd straightaway go against it, asking you why and just asking you to tell me what's wrong. Even on the occasions I said Yea sure goodbye, the very next day or even hour I'd still be like Hey babe what's up.

How many times... Have I said I've given up on you, only to try again?
You were so busy all the time, or just, gaming. You'd reply hours later, most of the time when I'm already asleep. This issue had been going on for a few months already, but the reason why I still stayed was because I put all that behind me.

How many times... Have I fought for you?
The real question is how many times have you left me?

How many times... Have I put my ego aside for you?
You know how huge my ego is. If I hadn't put it aside for you all the time we'd probably have broken up like two months into our relationship. Because you taught me not to be egoistic. Sure, most of the time I still have a hint of that pride in me, but at the end of the day, I chose to lose that instead of losing you.

How many times... Have I left you, only to say sorry afterwards?
I always told you "That's it, we're over. Don't talk to me anymore.", shit like that. The next day, I'd be saying good morning or I'm sorry for getting angry at you, or just straightway asking you to eat dinner with me after school, like nothing happened. Because leaving you was never what I wanted. It was all said in anger. And that's why I wasn't gonna let this stupid emotion get the best of me. Of us.

How many times... Have I kept trying?
288 times, everyday from the very day we got together.

Only you and God know what I've done for you. From hunting down maroon pullovers and lollipops to waiting three hours for you to end gym, from cracking my head trying to memorise the Arab prayers for solat [because I didn't know we could say in Malay] to pushing you away no matter how high my temptations were as well.

And if you don't know, this post is the losing of ego on my part. Although I'm not talking to you straight, this post is for you, to show that once again I wanna let go of my pride for you. I'm willing to try again, I'm just not sure about you.

I admit right now that I still want to hold your hand. I still want to walk aimlessly around shopping malls with you. I still want to eat cheap student meals with you. I still want to sulk and hold my laughter in whenever you're being annoying. I still want to go Lan and play L4D with you like what you suggested just three days ago. I still want to put my arms around your neck and kiss you. I just... Still want to be with you.