My family / and a teacher.

Going to Pasir Ris has always been a terrible idea ever since Paya Lebar became my new home. The heavy rain doesn't make it any better, so I decide to wear a dull and depressed outfit out; a grey tee, black tank, a black and white cardigan along with black skinnies and boots. Nothing bright, not even my eyes.

It'll be the first time in a long time I am gonna meet her. The last time she talked to me, she yelled at me and hit me in front of my uncles, in my aunt's house, and even yelled to all of us she was cutting off all ties with me.

And in the past, she was always dissing me for my lack of fashion sense and the way my hair covered my eyes. I always had this feeling that she secretly thought I was ugly. Because in her eyes I was never her idea of a perfect daughter.

My grandmother tells me to kiss her hand when she reaches. I tell her straightout no, and she insists that I do because she is my mother. I scowl and answer; "Not like she kisses your hand either." she grins at my understanding and I laugh back at her, knowing we both feel a certain pain from the same person.

She looks behind me and says with a grin, "They're here they're here." I look to where she's facing and I see my little brother, taller than I remember, but still like the nerd I knew. He kisses my hand first and then while he kisses my grandmother's, my mother sticks out her hand to me. I hesitantly take it and kiss it, and she bends down to kiss her own mother's hand.

I can not stand the oh-so-tearful reunion any longer, so I get up and announce that I'm heading to Popular. That's why I wanted to come to Pasir Ris anyway; because I have these $5 off coupons which can only be used at the Whitesands outlet. My brother follows me.

Of course, the first thing I do is to irritate the hell out of him. I call him all the names I used to call him in the past, things like nerd and bongs and bitch. [just so you know, Bongs is a short form of bongok and bongsu, if you get it, hahahaha] I mess up his hair which he'd spent time waxing, and on many occasions trip him successfully.

Our first stop is Popular, of course. I spend quite a while looking at all kinds of books before settling for the Hunger Games trilogy. The set is cheaper than I expected, what's more with my coupon. I hold them in my arms while hunting for the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books that my brother is looking for. This takes a while, and we both say; "Ni kalau ada ular dah kene patuk.", something which our mother always said to us when something is right underneath our noses.

He looks at all the mouses at the IT section, and I point out how ugly I thought they were. He scoffs and says in a boastful tone; "These are mouses specially for gamers." I immediately laugh and answer; "But you're not even a gamer." and he gives me his "I am not amused" duckface.

Later on, my mother asks me if I'd like to buy a pair of flats from Cotton On. She says they'd be cheaper in twos, so I pick out these silver ones with knotted ribbons on them. I don't even have to try them on; I ask my mom what size did she take, and I already know they'd be fine for me as well.

Over our early dinner, she gives me a hundred dollars as shopping money. I take it without a smile or word, and my grandmother snaps at me; "Don't know how to say thank you?" so I thank my mother.

I get home and I try the shoes. As expected, the shoes are a perfect fit. My feet have always been the same size as hers, and that's probably the only thing we have in common; my own mother will always be a million times more beautiful than I am.

____

Today went surprisingly well, I suppose. But now, I'm caught in between. My mother said that she and my dad had spent time painting my room and cleaning it up, and that I could move in anytime soon. I'd like to have my room back, but I don't want to be without any cats.

She mentioned that my dad really wants me back home, but why can't he say so himself? If he had the guts to shoo me away why can't he even send me a text personally asking me to come home? He's the one who broke my heart the most, and he's the only one among my family who has never even once tried to contact me.

You'd probably tell me to go back to Pasir Ris, but it's not as easy as you think. I can't risk it. I can't risk being unhappy in there again. I've cried enough in my room all alone, and I'm afraid the same thing would happen again if I ever go back there. I'm afraid of not belonging, because it has after all been a year.

It may seem like just a while, but have you ever tried being without your family for that long, without even calling or texting them as well? Even after a year of being without my secondary school girlfriends, I still feel left out when they talk about their memories of the times I weren't with them. It feels the same regarding my parents and brothers.

Another thing which just made me upset half an hour ago; today was Ms Adimah's wedding. And I only found out when I saw a just-uploaded Instagram picture. She invited her other students but not me? She mentioned her wedding to me since August, and that she'd give me the exact date and details soon. She said it would be the end of the year, and I was waiting for her to text me again about it.

I can't believe she forgot about me... After all those letters I wrote to her in the pink notebook, after all the tears she had seen me shed to her in the classroom, after saving me from cigarettes and nausea and seeing me laid down at a void deck crying my heart out on an O Level exam night... Was I really still so insignificant that she had forgotten to invite me for her one and only wedding...?

You have no idea how sad I am about this right now. I'm crying, ugh. I thought I was somebody. I was so excited to have a chance to wear kain songket.