My Lunar New Year Eve.

it feels good not having to wake up at 6 in the morning today! it feels good not having to go work on a Sunday!

here i reside, once again in solitude, but not at that house. instead, i am at my new home, alone here for the first time ever. had just spent one lonely night without my grandma and uncles in the house. at least i had the cats.

this is how my Lunar New Year Eve had gone.

2013 is the year of the snake. or as i'd like to say: the year of the ekans.

i woke up at 4 in the morning and was reading through my old conversations with 'Aamir when all the cats suddenly came into the room. Tilda stood next to me but i didn't see anything amiss because that's what she always does.

i saw that she was pawing at something that looked like a leaf, right by my head, and i started fingering at it when it moved out of my touch. i turned on the light, suspicions arising, and fuck me, just as i thought: it was a cockroach. and it was right at my face.

woke up for work unusually sleepy, and i didn't want to get up til Tilda had to come in and keep slapping her paw on my face before i could. it was a half day because the shop was closing at 1.

i was reaching Pasir Ris when Shushan called asking how to unlock the shop; not only that, but she didn't know how to pull the shutters up too.

whenever i push the shutters up, i don't use that stick thingy to do so, because it is for pussies.

by the time i arrived, Shushan had already managed to open shop, but it was quite a sight to see her washing the trays in the dark. she didn't know how to turn on the lights! it was unusually stuffy too; she hadn't turned on the air-con.

set things right before setting my backpack down and getting to work. Shushan washed all the shit while i cleaned the glass and counters and whatever else that needed the scrub.

i believe, for that few hours, i'd found an obsession in cleaning. and i found a new best friend that i brought with me everywhere: Cif.

honestly, i find my workplace a bit too hazardous for a bakery. i've been cutting and bruising and burning myself by accident a lot at work. i did too, yesterday, despite not doing much and just cleaning here and there.

the glass had lost balance off its hooks and dropped a few inches down, its edge glazing across the skin of my hand. if it hadn't been for my hand, the glass would have chipped, or shattered even. but if the impact had been a bit more, my hand would have been injured as fuck. idk which'd've been worse.

i was cleaning and cleaning, again and again, at whatever surfaces i could find. and while Shushan stood there literally staring at customers, i bent down to clean the drawers and underneath the counter. i was... addicted... to cleaning.

Boss came with nasi lemak for us, which he had passed to Shushan without a word. he went to the toilet afterwards and the two of us were debating whether we should eat it or not.

are you sure he bought this for us? what if not? but what if it is? wouldn't it be stupid if he comes out of the toilet to see that we still haven't touched it? *pokes styrofoam box with one finger*

working with Shushan was really fun. there were a lot of orders which customers were coming in to collect, and the receipts pasted on the plastic bags were to make things easier for us; so we could easily see which belonged to who.

we were supposed to collect back these receipts, not give to the customers; Shushan had forgotten to retrieve the one from the customer she served, and i scolded her to chase after him, which she did, all the way. that was amusing!

came a time when i went and gave another customer his orders, and i happily sent him off his way, when Shushan exclaimed; "receipt!" she yelled at me to chase after him, which i did, all the way, and boy was that quite a work-out!

when i came back Shushan was serving some other customers with this really stupid smile on her face. she was controlling her laughter, and so was i; though i surrendered to it and released it right there in front of them all.

so i was once again wiping my clothes across the countertop when Boss came out with two red packets in his hand and a smile on his face, both of which was passed on to mine.

he told us we could leave already, and i wished him Happy New Year while he went out to the freezer and gave us ICE-CREAM!!!!1

so Boss closed up shop and, eating our corn [me] and red bean ice-cream, Shushan and i made our way to Shengsiong where i met one of the bakery's regular customers. he was always coming to buy bread and always requesting, "ehrm no need plastic bag."

he was already looking at me when i saw him, and we grinned at each other upon recognition. he was at the counter i'd gone to, and was about to put our liquor into a plastic bag when i teased him; "ehrm no need plastic bag.", and he laughed.

headed to Shushan's place where i announced to her family xin nian kuai le or how it's supposed to be spelt. that was when we realised; "we forgot to clock out!"

"yeah lah, you see nasi lemak, see hongbao, see ice-cream, all forget already." said Shushan.

she had opened hers and said she only received ten bucks. we jokingly said that mine would probably be twenty, and when i took a peek into mine, i exclaimed, "twenty!"

she made vulgar sign with her hands to which i responded with a mock shock face. removed the notes from my red packet and showed her, and she got so worked up over it!

followed her to Tampines where she bought two pairs of shoes from Rubi. while i waited for her to pay for her purchases, i sat there watching all the girls around me.

all the girls were dressed with a thought, while there i sat with whatever i found just tossed over my head with a pair of torn jeans.

they had hair which was shiny and combed and coloured, pulled back to show their eyes while there i was with mine tangled and black, all over my face with loose strands down my back.

they had nice pairs of shoes, gleaming and new, and still buying new pairs, while there i stood in my tattered ones, once dusty and forgotten at the back of my cupboard.

these thoughts left me feeling small. those girls would have looked at me, envious of my height, but at that moment, i felt i was the smallest one of them all.

went to the basement of Tampines One where i got myself milk tea and puffs from The Icing Room. they were delicious! i'm in love with them now.

so i was telling Shushan how 'Aamir has always been showing me off to his friends while i hadn't been because i didn't have any, and then i got an idea. since Shushan is one of the only friends i have, why not introduce them both?

made my way home where i caught my granny and uncles just in time before they went off for Taman Anggerik. gran repeated everything she had told me before; turn off the gas, switch fans before sleeping, feed the cats, shower before heading to bed.

and that was that. i had the next three days all to myself.

today was boring, though i managed to finally catch up on PewDiePie. have made plans with 'Aamir for tomorrow, had thought of spending time with him here today but he couldn't make it. can't wait to see him then!

have been watching Pokemon Black and White and boy did i have a lot to complain about.

i'm gonna visit the Tanjong Katong flower market soon. maybe Heath for solitude or the common thistle for mistrust of humankind.

Misfortune and its therapy.

Heidiho my Axes. I'm not even sure if people still read my blog, but what the hey.

Am currently on the train back to Paya Lebar, all the way from Jurong East, which station i thought to be really cool. Just parted with none other than 'Aamir.

He had came and slacked at my workplace with me early in the morning, all the way from Johore. Unfortunately i couldn't get a half day, causing 'Aamir to have to wait about 7 hours.

When i was finally able to get to him he was cranky already; we ran for bus 3 because it was the only bus to the mrt station, and that was when we discovered that he was missing his ez-link card.

"as if the sudden adult fares weren't bad enough," he said. "now i have to lose my ez link card too."

We got to orchard where he'd wanted to collect his pay because otherwise he wouldn't have any money for his transport; it serves inconvenience for him to be living in Johore. We ran in the rain, pushing past measly humans and dashing across the busy roads, only to be told that 'Aamir couldn't collect his pay today.

Disappointed, and refusing to accept the unfairness, we sat in the rain for a while before getting up to make our way to Ion Orchard.

"I wish i could just push everyone aside right now," he growled under his breath as we watched the swarms of people walking around and into us. "Can't they see that i am pissed off?" i couldn't blame him.

I didn't know what to do; i've never been good with cheering people up. I was afraid of doing anything. An arm around his shoulder could lead to a harsh shrug. Whatever i say could be disregarded with a frown.

Eventually we went for his way of therapy; vanilla ice-cream. I was protesting against it at first because i didn't like vanilla. But it seemed to be the only way to make him happy: the poor kid had been waiting for me since 10 in the morning.

The trip from Orchard and on the North East line was amazing though. He was cheered up, and we stood by the window talking about the least important things in our lives; our past like it still mattered and our future like we had a clue.

We were acting like children, looking out over the reservoir between Yio Chu Kang and Khatib, with noses pressed onto the glass, me exclaiming, "because i am from the East that's why i'm jakon!!!" and him: "bestnya Singapore!!!"

Now as i sit here alone, with only strangers around me, rushing to complete this post before i reach Paya Lebar, i realise one thing: I've been blessed with a miracle that is 'Aamir.

I know it sounds cheesy and shit, but really. Our conversations from Orchard to Choa Chu Kang... I'll write another post about this soon; for now, i'm just gonna bask in the presence of this boy, because i'd never thought i would ever feel this radiant again.

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Haunt.

If i were a ghost, i'd haunt my hometown the way its ghosts did me.

I'd haunt my school and see what my previous teachers have to say about me, and see whether they have stories about my wasting of efforts to share to their current O Level classes.

I'd haunt the places where i shared memories with people whom i meant a lot to, and see whether they frequent the spot in remembrance of my friendship with them.

I'd haunt the boy i had clung on to for years to watch how his life goes on without me, and see whether he really does never think about me at all anymore.

I'd haunt the cousin who was there for me for the first 17 years of my life and watch her getting on with her life, with her schoolwork, and see whether she's ever talked to anyone about missing me, or asked anyone of my whereabouts.

I'd haunt the girl whom i promised a friendship forever with but whom i left, and see whether she really does hate me like she seems to.

I'd haunt the boys whose photos i keep in my diary, and see whether they still chuckle while playing the ps3 without me there watching.

I'd haunt the man and the woman who contributed to my birth, and who initiated my longing for death. I'd see whether they can live without their only daughter at home, whether they would realise how beautiful she really is after all these years of calling her ugly.

And i'd see if any of them regret, having not done anything despite my cries for help.

Now as long as i'm alive, all these memories will reside in me, and even my present with the people who loves and cares for me so much is a scar of the past.

If it hadn't been for my ugly past, i wouldnt have had any misery to be saved from, and i wouldn't be here where i am now.

As much as i doubt God, i know He always has reasons for doing whatever He does. I'm happy being where i am now; i just await the time when i wouldnt need to remember anything that i was long saved from.

Aamir with two A's.

my first impression of him was, "what a jerk."

he had thanked me for following back, but i didn't know who he was so i said, "sure, but who are you?" his response was rude, in my opinion; "i'm just someone who follows you randomly. can't i?" 

"bitch, i was just asking, what the hell is your problem?" i replied; but a much, much more polite version. 

it was around the time when everyone was putting their birthdates as their Twitter name, and i saw that he had, too. it was the first few hours of the day after Christmas, and i saw him tweeting shit like, "will anybody wish me for my birthday?" 

well, it was not even 15 minutes and plenty of people already had, looking at the amount of Happy Birthdays he had retweeted. 

i judged him for that, and i did have something against birthdays, so i further thought of him as a jerk. 

along came another one of those lazy days where i was just slacking my ass off in front of the computer. Pewdie's "i don't know about you but i know about Clemmyclue" came to mind suddenly; and like what we all do with our thoughts, i tweeted it. 

he responded to it, and we had a conversation revolving around my favourite Youtuber. at one point he asked me a question and when i answered, he said, "oh i knew that. i just asked to keep the conversation going." 

i really thought he was a jerk. 

i've no idea why, but i really like to interact with people i thought were jerks, for whatever perverse reasons. i was always adding my own comments to his tweets, as much as i really didn't like him. 

there was this one tweet of his which i quoted and added my own opinion to. when he replied to it, i got really annoyed because i was just agreeing and adding my own comments, i don't need you to reply to it, don't i? [that's what i think quoting is for okay]

he called me a prettyhead, and my inner response was oh fuck you.

i really had something against him, for whatever reasons. 

i was once on the train leaving Pasir Ris, and i tweeted some cheem English phrase about why i don't enjoy being in the place. he retweeted and said afterwards how attractive girls with good English were. i knew straightway that he was referring to me. 

we talked right there, on Twitter, and at the end of the conversation he tweeted; do you have a boyfriend ): again, i knew somehow that he was referring to me. 

after those strange series of interactions, i found myself looking through his Twitter profile whenever i could. when i was doing so, i would always tell myself, is this jerk still following me? he'd better be. 

that was the excuse i gave myself for stalking his profile. i saw the pictures of him in his suit and i thought he actually looked kind of familiar. 

i once tweeted a webcam picture of myself and i got so pissed at him for retweeting it. why the hell would you retweet that, now everyone's gonna see and freaking judge me. 

and so, came 2013 and he excitedly announced that he was going to be 17. i replied to it, about how i was turning 18, and he got so shocked. "are you serious O: why are you so old", he said. 

as much as i still didn't really like him, we had a proper conversation and he ended up getting my number. 

the first thing i said to him in our Whatsapp conversation was how i'd found his face familiar; like i'd seen it in a dream before. 

the first thing he said to me was "i need a name. to be honest i saved your number as Crush." 

and i was like, ohmygod kill him. 

he told me about his past relationships, although i swear i did not once brought up the topic. he tried to coax me into telling him mine, but i totally refused. 

i didn't really want him to like me for so many reasons. i showed him bits of my ugly side, the scars beneath my hat [a metaphor for my inhumane thoughts] but somehow it just further fueled his crush on me. he said i was unique. well i thought that was bullshit. 

no matter, i still replied him whenever he texted me. i gave him my opinions on life here and there, and he always emphasised on how mature he thought i was. 

he constantly reminded me about his crush on me, though i did nothing to regard it.

over the short period i found myself talking to him more and more. he had called me on the day of our O levels results and told me how he felt about his. idk, but i really liked his voice. 

i'd gone to the airport that night and on my way back, he called me again. he told me how he had told his best friend about me, how unique he thought i was and how he had a crush on me. 

we first met at the airport, and as annoying as he was, i thought he was really cute. i enjoyed his company a lot, though i was trying so hard not to show it.

yes my Axes, if you hadn't already guessed, i met Aamir on Twitter. he lives in Johor, but he's Singaporean alright. that's why he's a leopard cat; because you'd have to pay and travel just to see him. [it's a silly metaphor but i like it okay] 

again, this boyfriend is a lot more popular than i am. i've met and hung out with three of his friends but he's never met any of mine before. [thats because i don't have any] i've never showed him off to anyone like how he does me to his friends. 

he was proud of having me as his girlfriend from the very start, but it was only after our first kiss that i really felt more feelings towards him. i don't know if you find this weird, but that kiss did seem like a "lock" of some sort. 

it's far too early to say anything more, but i know i really like Aamir for who he is. 

i'm an asshole for being a douchebag one second and a sweetie the next. 

Catching up.

my apologies for my prolonged absence...!
shh, i'm here to blog now, thank you for your patience.

so we all had our O Level results some eons ago, and despite not having reached anywhere near my initial targets, i'm proud of whatever i'd gotten.

and according to Mrs Chew, i was her only student who had gotten a distinction for English {:

first person i called was Black, who surprisingly answered, and when i told him about my English, he went, "see... i knew you could do it..."

i was about to recite the scores for the rest of my subjects but he cut me off; "i'm kind of busy now." and just as suddenly as he had came, he was gone. as always.

went to Sabrina's house to change because i had came from work so i had clothes other than the school uniform [which i dread wearing].

Granny called to say that Mother was at Guilley, so i decided to stay out til she'd gone home. i went on a solitary escapade to the airport and got myself donuts while writing in my diary.

i gave Syamirul  a call and told him my L1R4. he agreed with me about it being terrible, but when i told him my distinction for English, he exclaimed, "wow congrats man, i'm so proud of you man!"

so i reached Guilley around 9, and i thought of running away when i saw Mother through the window. she was definitely there to know about my results, which i'd already decided some time ago never to reveal.

i showed my slip to my uncle first, and along came my granny who told me to just show Mother how good i had done.

i hung around in the kitchen with my uncle first, and along came Mother who announced that she was going, before turning to me and demanding, "where's your results? i want to see your results."

she was disregarded of course, until she got really pissed and started yelling for me to show her my slip. like she always does.

she continued screaming at me until i finally had the courage to answer, "you don't have the rights to know, because you treated me like shit during my O levels period right?"

she lost it, and shrieked, "i am your mother, E'indah. i am your mother!"

"yeah, so what the hell were you doing to me during that critical period?"

idk, she was totally losing it, and my aunt was screaming at her too. i don't want to go into the details too much but Mother ended it off by announcing that she was cutting off all ties with me.

all i could say was, "i thought you already did that a long time ago."

she started hitting me, and that was when my uncle stood up and said, "you don't have to hit her." they were all arguing, these siblings, about me, while there i was curled up in the chair with my uncle's arm around my shoulders.

i was so scared, i really didn't like the loud voices and i didn't want to remember everything they were saying.  all i could do was run from the kitchen and hid in the room, and started crying.

when she was gone,... my aunt came and hugged me, reminding me "i'm with you."

came Saturday, my second off day, which i spent at the airport writing in my diary. Aamir came along and we sat at a ledge by the viewing plaza, talking about the least important things in our lives.

he sent me home; the very first time someone had bothered to send me all the way to Paya Lebar. it was a long bus ride on which he made me listen to his One Direction songs, that, according to him, reminded him of me.

it was raining and there were puddles everywhere, and as much as he was initially reluctant, we jumped in them, laughing, forgetting all our restrictions.

had applied for JAE at work, with Shushan coming to help me, a few hours before its deadline. a Malay lady came and saw what i was doing and she gave some last minute advice which actually did help.

just so you know, Shushan and i work in the same place {: she knew how i'd been stealing the food from the shop, but she still thinks i need to eat proper meals. she's always buying me mee soto, and she even knows how i don't want taugeh.

i've been pissing the lady boss off a lot as of late, and there was that one day when she was really angry at me over a misunderstanding. i gave a gloomy face the rest of the day and Shushan was sweet enough to try and cheer me up the whole time.

i love my job; i like being alone in the mornings. and when the lady boss or colleagues are around, there's always something happening which makes me laugh and giggle to myself even when the moment was long over.

okay, i just really dislike the miscommunication issues. every customer is always talking Chinese to me, though i really enjoy surprising the Malay ones by speaking the language to them suddenly.

i met one who knew at first glance that i was Malay, who cleared whatever doubt he'd had by asking, "Adek Melayu eh?" you can't imagine how blissful i had felt when he walked out of the shop, to the extent of repeating the sentence in my head over and over again.

as i'd mentioned, i've always been stealing the bread, particularly the hotdog buns; i really love those. many customers do so as well, apparently, because they're always selling like hotcakes despite the boss making dozens of them every evening.

there was this one morning with only one hotdog bun left, and i was about to take it for myself when i decided not to, for no apparent reason; as much as i did want to.

along came a little girl, who had this really sad look on her face... but when she saw that there was one hotdog bun left, she smiled to herself, took it and hopped to the counter where i was.

i was so proud of myself for having not taken that last bun. [though i still steal a lot of bread everyday]

and then there are the days with Aamir. we'd gone to Woodlands Waterfront last Thursday, after parting with his friend Nabil Smurf, who has this talent in making music. not bad at all.

once again, on the bus trip to WW, Aamir forced me to listen to his songs again. we bumped into a friend of his and i listened to their conversation which was so amusing.

Aamir stroked me on the head and said to his friend; "i care for her so much." that softened me; i'm not sure if that's the right word but i felt that way, you know?

it was freezing at the jetty [or whatever it's called] but i really liked being there. whenever you think there is nothing much to look at, expand your horizons and you'll discover abundant of things to see.

last Saturday was another off day for me which i spent at the airport with the main intention of blogging. but Aamir was so disruptive that i really didn't get much done. we managed to watch some Pewdiepie though!

so i decided to bring him to Orchard without telling him why. it was only when we reached Ion Orchard did i tell him i was bringing him to somewhere with ink, with the intention of letting him presume it to be a tattoo parlour. every step of the way, he was protesting against it and i was so amused!

well, it was a bookstore; none other than my good old friend {prologue}. i spent some eons there looking for books because there was a sale, and i ended up buying two {: despite the amount of unread books piling up at home.

we watched Mama yesterday, and it had a good story despite the unnecessary sound effects at some points of the movie. i liked that scene on the cliff with Mama on one side and Annabelle on the other, with the girls in between reaching their hands out to each other.

not only because it was picturesque in the sense of cinematography, but because it resembled my state as well; i've not talked to my brothers for such a long time just because of the tension between my parents and i.  what right does the latter have to interfere in my relationship with my brothers?

i'm done here. for now.

and yes, my Axes. i'm together with Aamir. when we first started out, i had my doubts about him but we'd been spending so much time together that i feel i can let go of my past already. thank you Aamir, and thank you Axes for all the support, whether or not you dare show it.

and this is me. 

i really can't smile. 

Nimble.

am currently at the airport, my usual solitary escapade at Dunkin Donuts, except this time, it is not solitary. 

i have 'Aamir with me now, and he's been distracting me til i havent been able to get any work done. i owe my Axes posts from the last few weeks, my last post was ten days ago. 

the time i'd been absent has been peanuts, so many shit happened. i've been wanting to blog about it, but i was so busy with work. been working 10 hours each day since the New Year with only three days off, so my pay had better be worth the bullshit i'd gone through. 

i have a draft for the post explaining my past weeks, but havent had the time to elaborate and shit. this is just a quick post because i've only 36% left on my laptop, just letting you know that i am fine, and that i will be blogging soon. just not sure when. 

ok thanks for taking the time to read this very swift post of mine, if you even realised i was missing. will get back to you soon. 

#CutForJustin?

i know i may be a little late on this, but recently there had been this trend on Twitter that is #CutForJustin. i don't know when or how it started, but i heard it's because Justin Bieber had been taking drugs, and his fans are cutting to show their devastation at this.

i've seen the pictures, seen the tweets; you can't imagine how pissed i am at this trend.

it's not only unacceptable in the way that these fans are cutting themselves because of someone who doesn't know of their own individual existence.

why doesn't anyone cut for the soldiers who had perished for the country, or children who starved to death, or heroes who died in their sacrifices; why doesn't anybody cut for them?

what about the other teenagers who had resorted to drugs too? they may have had gone through suffering much more painful than whatever Bieber's reasons are for doing so.

this trend might have an impact on those people, you never know. maybe they did it for attention from their family, friends, the society, whatever. but when they see how much attention a freaking pop star is getting for the same thing, these people might just sink deeper.

what about the teenagers all over the world who has always been cutting, since childhood maybe, because of domestic abuse, or because of the bullying they got in school. they cut because it's a way to save themselves from that; how would these people feel if they see others doing what saves them, just because a little pop star is doing drugs? get what i mean?

i'm not sure anyone would read this, but i have to make a stand against this stupid trend. i have to speak for other self-harmers; my comrades, and of course, myself.

my scars, our scars, are a sign of our strength and survival. if you cut for Bieber, then yours are a sign of weakness, of letting a pop star take over your life.

fuck this trend i'm so pissed.

Three days with Blue.

heidiho my Axes. [it's been sometime since i said that] it's only been the fourth day of the new year and plenty of bullshits have already happened.

i started off at my new job on New Year's Day, and it wasn't so bad, apart from the frequent miscommunication. it's really annoying to have every customer speaking Chinese to me, and getting irritated when i say, "English please." i am not being racist, but not everyone in Singapore speaks the language ok.

anyway, i got the hang of what i have to do, although i'm still a little slow. it's not my fault that i like to be careful; i'd rather be slow and steady than rush and boobed.

just on my third day of work, though, i heard that the lady boss was thinking of firing me already, because according to her and the boss, i was irresponsible. and they gave me an advanced pay of a hundred.

i met up with Syamirul on Wednesday evening for a little catch up session because we havent met for quite some time already. the previous time i had seen him was way back in October.

he seemed a lot more open and talkative and annoying than how i knew him. he bought me my cigarettes and we sat at a void deck, talking and smoking [me], just as much as he was telling me not to.

he made me laugh quite a few times, that's amazing! we used to have a hard time keeping a proper conversation without having awkward silences but that evening we were just shooting nonsense and snickering here and there. not bad.

Syam was supposed to meet his friends soon, but we were taking our time walking there and had the cheek to lie to them when he was far from reaching!

we met again the day before yesterday, and i had wanted to climb the shelter which linked the carpark and the multi purpose hall but he wouldn't have it. so we sat at the latter, and i was casually smoking when Syamirul suddenly went into a panic mode.

"eh, throw away your cigarette, police, police."

"so? you're eighteen."

"you're underaged!"

"i'm eighteen this year."

i threw whatever argument i could think of but Syamirul really made me paranoid as well and so we left. that barrel made me waste a newly-lit stick!

we walked to another void deck where he spoke fragments of his mind, which is a rarity all the time i'd known him. he always listened to my bullshit. idk but i liked how we kept eye contact through out when he was speaking.

he was still very much against me getting a tattoo but he agreed to follow me get my first one. because... i'm sure it would be painful and i'd need someone to be there for me.

today, we met again to visit his school for the open house. he brought me to his course first, and damn, after hearing everything the student had to say, i really think i want to get into this course instead.

and i met with Tiffany! she spread her arms when she saw me and we had a little hug.

Syam and i sat by the reservoir talking again, and he had to listen to my bullshit once again. o and i really loved the ampitheatre!, or whatever it's called. he was getting irritated with my being jakon and shooting my mouth off.

we took the bus to Tampines and when we got off, he ABANDONED ME IN THE CROWDS DAMN IT. all i did was search for my earpiece but when i looked up he was gone, HE WAS GONE AND HE LEFT ME IN THE CROWDS.

but still, here is my good friend Syamirul, a.k.a. Blue.

one of the very few good friends i have who had a thousand reasons to leave; but stayed.

What a post to start off 2013.

So the polytechnics are having open houses over the period of the next few days, and am going with Syamirul to his tomorrow.

I have a lot to update about the PAST few days; my first four days of the new year. But am currently blogging on my phone and i feel extremely lazy to beat around the bush.

I just wanted to tell you about what happened back on the day me and a bunch of other kids got called out for having skipped the racial harmony carnival. This is random as hell, i've really no idea why i suddenly thought of it again. Perhaps because they share the same atmosphere.

Anyway, mr syafie went through all of us and made us say our reasons for not attending the event. Everyone else was making up all sorts of unbelievable stories, while there i was with a few real reasons; i wouldnt have had any friends to hang out with the whole time.

If you were to remember how i was an outcast back that July; it really did contribute to my refusal of attending it, as much as i'd wanted to. But of course, when my turn came, i merely announced; "i have no reasons."

Afterwards everyone else was still making up cock and bull stories, til mr syafie got fed up i guess, and said: "look at e'indah so honest, straightout said that she had no reasons instead of making up grandmother stories like you."

And then he kept emphasising on my "honesty", despite my lie of having "no reasons" when i had a dozen in my head. I dont know, but wasnt it ironic?

And once again i'd ended up going around the mansion when i could just walk in the front door.

Thats all im gonna share with you now, what a post to start off 2013. I shall share with you more about my new year when my fingers are on a more comfortable keypad.

Adios amigos.

P.s. yes hell yeah motherfuckers, i am saving up the money for a tattoo already.

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Hands which shaped my 2012.

i'd ended 2011 happy, thinking that 2012 would be just as good. that was a year ago, and looking back now; whatever i had thought 2012 to be was all wrong.

the people who were there at the end of 2011 are not here at the end of 2012. i never would have thought this, i assure you.

still, there have been times that certain people were there for me, when i least expect it. this year was the most solitary i had ever been; but it was also the year that made me realise i'm surrounded by many wonderful people after all.

this post is for all those people, and here i give warnings prior to that:
1. it might be lengthy because i'm summarising the entire year after all.
2. i don't want anyone to read this and think i am "step famous rabak" or whatever they call it.
3. this is a thank you, for being there, more like a letter and not a speech. again, i am not acting "famous".

i'm not very well-liked, or even well-known for that matter. i know that. but still, i appreciate the handful who do read my blog, whether or not they do it secretly.

not only my blog, but people who read my tweets and consider them too, if there are those who do. and my Tumblr too; the people there are really amazing.

the posts from butterflies-for-beauties, butterfly-project and venting-is-good-for-you tell me i am not alone, and that others are having a hard time too, or even worse.

the stories they post, the encouragement and support they gave out helped me unknowingly. although they are on other continents and shit, at least i knew there were people who were having a rough time too and that i was not suffering alone.

there is Connor Son, aka draconis-firago who went to the extent of adding me on Facebook so he could talk to me when he saw my Tumblr and my blog.

there is Pewdiepie, the best Youtuber i'd ever watched, who was there all along just being himself and making it a job to make me laugh. even though he doesn't know of my existence or how much i respect him; he was there to make me smile, whenever and wherever.

as small as Singapore is, there are also many people here that i interact with nearly everyday but never got the chance to hang out with.

there is Endy Othman whose daily tweets never fail to make me smile and snicker to myself. i don't remember why i followed him, but over time, i find myself comfortably tweeting with him shit, as if we've been friends for years.

there is Esha who has been there all along, but i always refused to make friends with her. when i gave in, she was still more than happy to accept me as a friend, and shared her stories, listened to my bullshit, and wanted to give me a makeover, a change, to help me in moving on.

there is Khairul Azhar, whom i've just known, that appreciates my passion for Pokemon. after he read my previous entry, he's been getting me to open up, to know me better; he's making the effort while i'm not but i can see him just trying harder.

there is Aamir Kamsari, someone i don't even remember how i met, who flattered me with his compliments, wanting to get to know me better even though i was always so cold or ignoring him.

there are many people in my school too, whom i'd seen a lot throughout my years in school, whether i was alone or among my clique. some of them graduated long before me, some with me, and some i would be leaving behind.

there is Wai Kit whom i've known since sec one, but didn't want to go near him because he was a loner. only when i myself became one did we started talking a little more. i bumped into him at school once when he was taking his O Level cert and he gave me encouragement by sharing his own sec 5 stories.

there is Tiffany whom i've known since sec two but yes, i regret having not hung out with her much when she was still in the school, because now she's always there on Twitter, encouraging me to move on, wishing me all the best; little things that tell me she thinks about me.

there is Hazirah who hasn't been on my timeline lately, but whenever i'm on hers, she is sure to reply to a tweet of mine, and ask whether i'm ok; she always manages to squeeze in some sweet words that never fail to make me feel better.

there is Ernie who has been my schoolmate for years yet we only just started to talk. he seems to treasure this friendship of ours, and i really appreciate that, as well as the fact that he reads my blog regularly and is not ashamed to let me know.

there is Alisya whom i've always been looking at since last year, but never had the guts to talk to her because of the guilt; til just recently, when she told me she read my blog, and told me to stay strong. i appreciate her reading my stories, calling me a beautiful blogger, assuring me that one day my hoping will all be worth it.

there is Shukree whose tweets i can relate to, that not many people think so as well these days. the rare conversations, things he told himself which i never would have thought, his perspectives that i never would have imagined. many things he told me were so meaningful.

there are the people whom i don't get to see everyday, but at that one point of time they took effort to be there for me, whether i got kicked out of the house, or laying down on the floor of a void deck, or just needed someone to watch me cry.

there is Natalee whom i always go to when i have something to share without having her judge me. who trusted me and was always coming to share with me her own problems, although i am not very good at giving advice. who was there to make me be happy just by being herself.

there is Azreenie who is going through her own problems, yet told me that she will always be there for me. always sharing with me her own opinions of the things in my posts when we do meet. someone who knows how to make me smile and snicker, even by being annoying, even though she's tired too.

there is Syafiq Anwar who listened to me babble on about Pokemon, sharing the excitement as we imagined if they were real. who listened to me talk on an early Monday morning in the wee hours, about things which he needn't be bothered with at all. yet he listened.

there is Syazana whose house i ran to when i had a terrible gastric pain, who repeatedly told me things to knock some sense into my head, no matter how much i never listened to her words. who was there during suspension, who made me laugh with whatever she said.

there is Syamirul who believes in me so much, giving me all the support to go back onto the right path, even if he doesn't gain anything from it. knowing him better, knowing our differences just pulled me to him. sitting on the breakwaters, listening to him sing, him listening to me talk. him praying for me to change.

there is Ms Adimah who read all my emotional shit, from my spontaneous/critical books and compos, got tossed all sorts of attitude from me, yet still did her best to pull me through my last year of sec school, by giving me pieces of inspiration and motivation time and time again.

there is Haikal whom i shared many of my thoughts with, who brought me to his favourite places and treated me to drinks, who listened to my horrible singing. who brought me to places he knew i'd've liked, who held me in his arms when i was freezing cold in the rain.

there is Nick who has seen me trying and failed throughout this year, whom i hurt time and again but was still there for me. who always listened to my bullshit no matter how i treated him like crap. who taught me how to ride a bike,who entertained my sudden longings to cycle.

there is 'Irfan whom i forced to bring me up the pavillion at seashell park like he used to. listened to the way i had been after i got dumped, watched me cry as he listened to his own twin brother's trail of gasoline. who brought my hair back for me and told me to pin it up, which i managed to, for the rest of the school year.

and then of course, there are my classmates. although i isolated myself from them all this year, they were still there. despite my attitude towards most of them here and there, they continued being the noisy bunch they were, and in the end, they won with the positive energy that they attacked me with.

there is Nabilah who shared with me her stories, and listened to mine as well no matter how draggy and crappy they were. who, at one point of time, was going through a heartbreak as well but stood up straight, with pride enough to encourage me to be as strong as her.

there is Wanxuan who took the time and effort to send me long encouraging texts, who chased me all across the void decks when she saw me smoking, who listened to what i had to say for wanting to smoke, for giving me a much-needed hug.

there is Fazerah whom i bumped into on the train back in April, who told me her own opinions about guys, who cheered me up time and again in the classroom, by being herself. who is a strong example of someone who doesn't give a shit what others think of her.

there is Zharfan whom i didn't talk to much because i was afraid of how he would respond, but whose smile always managed to enlighten me.

there is Faiz who doesn't talk to me much but when he has the chance to, he would, be it in the classroom or in the exam hall, and always managed to make me smile.

there is Daniel who came over and talked to me for a bit when he saw me studying alone at Mccafe, who was there on my worst night ever, who came over and talked to me in the madness, who made the night a few times more bearable.

there is Jiayao who noticed me alone and invited me to sit with them during recess, who always has something to say which can make me snicker to myself, for talking with me about guys and girls, for asking me how i am at random times in school.

there is Rayner whom i always called whenever i wanted to smoke but always didn't allow me to. who brought me around on the back of the bike instead, who got disappointed with me because i wasn't trying hard enough, who always had random stories to share with me.

there is Jingyu who reached out to me, who pulled me up onto the surface where everyone else was. whom i shared stories with, who made me focus when we were studying and yet still able to make me laugh, who made me smile a few times here and there in class.

last but not least, there are those who were there for me, for as long as i can remember.
but are no longer in my life anymore, now.

there is Mayang who made me forget all that i was going through just by being there for me, who was always annoying me just to get my mind off things. who thought of me, despite being busy, despite being there for me lesser and lesser because of her poly life.

there is Farizah who gave me encouragement to continue studying hard, to never give up on my studies, to focus and be committed when i said i'd wanted to quit. who told me not to cry on the day of our Mother Tongue O Level results.

there is Sabrina who gave me a surprise visit on my birthday, who still gave me presents although i already told her i was not part of her life anymore. whose birthday card made me cry, who was there for me, although i never appreciated her presence.

there is Priscilla whose response gave me the thought to continue trying when i told her i'd wanted to give up.  who gave me a heart-shaped paper clip when she saw me look at it, who pasted post-it notes on my notebooks telling me to do my best.

there is Shushan whom i told the reasons why i'd left the clique, who made me seem stupid with the response she gave to that, who went out with me and treated me like a normal friend and not someone who had left her hanging in the past.

there is Asleah who was always there to make me laugh, whom i reminisced past memories with, memories that could have made me cry but i laughed instead because of the way she talked about it.

there is Pearl who asked what happened when i got dumped, whose sleeves i had cried and wiped my tears on when i cried about the boy.

there is Timothy who was there when i was learning how to cycle, whom i had a terrible crash with and still smiled, whom i talked nonsense with, using stupid metaphors, who was always there, with that smile, til i told him to fuck off.

there is Siying who had to watch me fall, who did try to pick me up but i pushed her away, hard, to the extent that she wasn't gonna try anymore. who had been my best friend, at the beginning of 2012, but not, at the end.

there is Irshad who was there to comfort me about the New Year when 2012 first came, whom i scared and disappointed again and again, who still made time for me no matter how busy he was, who was there when i was horribly sick, who cried for me that one night. and whom i'd been crying for, the whole year, when he left.

____

my apologies if i had missed out some people, though i did try my best to remember everyone who had ever made me smile this year. this was a bit lengthy i know, but there you go: the hands which had shaped my 2012.

thank you too whoever you are, for reading my blog, if you always have. i know i haven't been blogging much, or anything intelligent lately. but still i do appreciate your visit.

so what about you, who made your year? was i one of them? if so, you know my number (9855); if i had made you smile with a paragraph dedicated to you, text me, to return the favour.

honestly though, if i could go back to January, i would; i'd do my best to make sure whatever's happening now wouldn't have had the chance to see the light.

First day at Fish & Co.

yes, i know i haven't been blogging much this month. yes, i know nobody noticed and yes, i know nobody gives a shit. but anyway, here i am, and i shall now share with you what i've been up to.

i had my first day of work two days ago, and Shushan was sweet enough to have donuts with me before sending me off. she passed me on to Rayner who fetched me from the foot of the restaurant and brought me along for his smoke break.

upon walking in through that back door of Fish & Co, the first thing that greeted me was the shrieking of my name, from none other than Amirah! i wouldn't have guessed her to be working there too, not at all.

anyway, i changed into the uniform and wore my glasses, the latter because why the fuck not. the supervisor brought me around the kitchen to show me where things went and who everyone was. my first task, this i still remember so clearly, was to cut peppers.

okay, so the people there were very welcoming and friendly enough, and having Rayner and Edmund there made it ten times better too, because somehow i felt more open in their presence. probably because of their familiarity, idk, but yeah.

they all made me feel welcome, and were very patient with me, though i kept screwing up. Rayner was teaching me with the batter stuff, but he seemed taken aback when i said i wanted to try.

so he told me, "grip the fish with both your fingers, very tightly," and i actually asked, "why?" when i took it from him, the answer to my question came in the form of the raw fish fillet slipping through my grasp.

it was all fun though, as busy as it was. i changed my shoes halfway and was pretty much sliding here and there across the kitchen!

wait, i didn't quite catch the name of this guy but i shall address him as Shifu here because Rayner was calling him that. well this Shifu kept reminding me that he doesn't owe me any money, and Rayner was laughing at that the whole time. "what he meant is, you should smile more!" he said.

yes, i get that a lot. back at Explorer Kids, i was always being called to the office to be reprimanded about my smile, or, my lack of it. and during my interview at Times, too; the interviewer said the first thing she noticed about me was that i don't smile.

anyway, closing soon came and we were all cleaning and stuff, when Rayner told me to follow them "throw rubbish", to disguise a self-declared smoke break. and that was the epilogue for the day; us sitting aligned at the basement and smoking away.

o and Nick really liked the Christmas present i got him; an engraved lighter. as silly as it sounds, i had Niccy J embossed onto it because that is what i call him.

i know it's like encouragement for him to smoke, but i really couldn't think of anything else that he would use. and he seemed to really like it.

so i missed the last bus on the way home, and was stuck at Paya Lebar MRT station. i was across the road and didn't know my way through underground to get to the right bus stop, and i made a rash decision to walk all the way back home from there.

halfway through my aunt called and told me to get a cab though, so there.

spent yesterday at Pasir Ris with Shushan, from Loyang Point to Giant/Ikea to Central. we talked here and there, and surprisingly she said she prefer the current me than the 2011 me. according to her i seem happier now.

i don't have anything intelligent or interesting to share with you now. even if something comes to mind, i don't want to drag this post too long.

so anyway, this is for Khairul Azhar. you know, i'm glad to have met someone who likes Pokemon and Trivium too, like i do, and who appreciates my liking for the former too. because who likes Pokemon these days?

and for you to like me because of this passion for Pokemon; idk, it seems so unbelievable.

but we've only known each other for a while, and i don't know you much, as well as vice versa. the latter disturbs me more; when you do know about me, you'll run away. i like how we have some things in common but i don't want to become too attached to you before you know how i'm really like.

that's all i can say, but still, thanks for wanting to be my friend. though we shall see how long more that will last.

My worst night ever.

so my last few days have been insane, as every other weekend has always been. i've got to share with you my Saturday though, because that night was totally the worst night i've ever had.

Saturday night (L), Sunday (R).

i was already dreading it as you could see in the previous post, which i had written before making my way to Kak Siti's house prior to the dinner.

my uncles drove me there, and i told them about how i knew this was gonna be one horrible night because of my social awkwardness and blablabla.

when we got to Kak Siti's house, everything seemed strange and i thought i had walked in on the wrong house! i immediately dashed out back to my uncle's car, but that was when i heard Kak Siti calling out to me.

we went to her room where Nadia was, and that was when i knew i was so not looking forward to this dinner.

we took a cab to the country club where the dinner was, had lunch there first, which everyone left halfway to do more preparation for the dinner, leaving me literally dangling my legs while they were rushing here and there.

i didn't want to sit there any longer, cause it'd be like what the hell why isn't she doing anything, but when i asked around if anyone needed help they all said they were good.

and then came the time where we had to get ready, which was fine at first because we were all talking and laughing [me and the other bridesmaids] but then i started to feel so low because they were all busy preparing but also had to help me with my makeup and shit.

i don't know, i really felt so useless already. and i kept laughing when they were helping me with my makeup, which i was afraid would piss them off a lot more, o gosh.

the walk in was okay, i wasn't stumbling upon my heels thank goodness, and i was smiling all the way. but when we got to our tables afterwards, everything just went downhill.

i was really there only because i was so-called "representing" my uncle, who is Kak Siti's father, while the rest of the guests at that dinner were friends and relatives of her mother and stepfather. there was nobody i knew, nobody i could talk to.

Daniel and Zharfan happened to be working there, and the former came over and talked to me for a bit, which made the thing a little bit more bearable. by then everyone else was up and dancing away, and i really mean dancing, you know how angmohs really knew how to party and shit.

and being the socially awkward piplup i was, i couldn't join them in that, no i can't. so i just sat in the corner, playing with my phone, tweeting for someone, anyone, to come rescue me; my classmates especially, how i wanted them so much at that moment.

i kept thinking everyone was judging me, for my every little move. i kept thinking everyone was looking at me, asking each other why the hell is she here.

i really felt like there was absolutely no need for me to be there. and you all already know how bad my self conscious shit is; i really wanted to cry right there.

you won't really know how i feel, but really. i didn't see a need in my being there. at first i was blaming myself for being so unsociable. but later on i started blaming Kak Siti, for inviting me to this dinner, for letting me get outnumbered by the members of her current family, while here i was the only one from the family of the biological father.

called my aunt to fetch me from there, telling her i was super upset, and when i was finally in the car, around nearly 11, my uncle said: "we managed to rescue the damsel in distress." and that was when i let go of my tears. and cry i did, like a little girl.

i told them fragments of my feelings that evening, and i really couldn't stop crying; my voice is really so horrible when i'm crying.

when i got to Pasir Ris, i immediately went to my cupboard and hid inside, crying my eyes out. i kept thinking about how i had practically suffered for the dinner, and i cried and cried. i was bawling like a baby.

my grandma found me and asked what was wrong but i wouldn't tell her, til she had to call my aunt to ask what was wrong. when she hung up, she told me to not to cry or else she would start to, too.

still, i was so upset, almost traumatised, and i couldn't stop stuffing myself with Hello Pandas. one after another, with tears and snot all over my chin.

texted my best friend Niccy J, and, well, that was a good end to that night.

started off Sunday with really puffy eyes, which made me feel and look so exhausted. my right eye seemed to have gotten another infection, but i went through the last lap of Kak Siti's wedding and ended the day back here at my home where my six crazy cats are.

spent yesterday going to Tamp to buy christmas presents, after fetching Shushan from her workplace. i thought i was gonna meet Nic afterwards but turned out, he couldn't go out. truth be told i dressed myself up a little, with my lacey collared top, cause i thought we were gonna meet.

anyway, i really love what i got for him! i could have gotten one for myself too if it wasn't so expensive.

split with Shushan, and went to meet Jiayao for a while. he helped me to buy cigarettes and i had a good smoke with him, and sharing a few of our feelings, shit like that.

so yes, i suppose that was how my weekend was. it's Christmas, and fuck me for being so excited about this when i don't even remember when is Nabi Muhammad's birthday.

and Tumblr is full of Ice-Type Pokemon!

okay, i shall make my way now. i'm gonna start at work on Thursday! i'll have to get myself safety shoes prior to that, and spectacle hooks so my glasses wouldn't drop off. will be surrounded by fire... best!

Castles, coffins, and Christmas.

would you rather be buried in a coffin , or a castle, made of your sins? i don't know why i suddenly thought of this, but it's a question i think is worth thinking about. [if you love cheem metaphors as much as i do]

i've thought about it of course, but i don't have an answer. both has its own perks and urghs. the coffin means you're already laid to rest; but to be buried with your sins doesn't guarantee the peace that comes with that.

as you lay there, remembering all the wrong you'd done, wishing again and again that you could get out again and undo all those. or the enemies you had made, their hatred and resent surrounding you all around.

as for the castle, it means wealth and luxury and an easy life; your sins all around you as a reminder to repent, but does that mean you really would? your luxury could lead to your complacency, telling you that you don't need to undo your wrongs because you won't gain anything more from it.

i guess that's my answer to this question of mine. if you be like what the fuck , well i told you already, whatever i say has many different meanings so you can always just extract your own from it. as long as they make close enough sense, that's fine.

anyway... i have a dinner going on later, and i have to wear this gorgeous lace dress from H&M, stockings from New Look, and heels from Payless, yes, heels my precious Axes. or wedges. whatever the firetruck they are called.

Maizurah and family is here too, sleeping over at Pasir Ris. they're going shopping at Bugis now, without ME! because of this dinner, o wells.

problems of a formal dinner; 1. i am a socially awkward piplup. 2. i don't have excellent dining etiquette. or, to suit my level instead: table manners. 3. that paranoid feeling that someone's looking at you and judging your every move.

i lack a whole lot of confidence, don't i? i know that is the big problem, but i never do anything about it. o wells. o barrels.

anyway, Christmas is coming and i'm gonna go shopping for presents soon, i hope. for the few good friends i have. and for myself maybe. cause t'is the season to be jolly! says the grumpy cat.

okay whatever, i shall blog more soon. so how, coffin or castle for you?

If you noticed my absence.

my apologies for not blogging the past few days, if anyone even noticed or gave a shit. my blog is so unpopular within my country, i know. but you can't imagine the support i have from outside Singapore, beginning with those people on Tumblr.

that's not gonna be the main point of this post, though, so let's dismiss that. it's my second morning back here in Pasir Ris; the place they told me to call "home".

my cousin's wedding is going on for the next few days, that's why i'm here. at least my granny is here too, which makes it a little more bearable.

yesterday i'd gone for a job interview at the airport, and the supervisor was really nice, although there were a few signs of potential communication problems. and it's F&B; something which i'd sworn never to take. but it's worth a try.

next week i'll have to go Bugis for another job-related meeting, that i discovered while instashopping. this one is also something i've never done before, which is a sort of promoting thingy? hooboy.

Times never called me; or maybe they did, but will always remain lain in the coffin of missed calls.

i've also been considering working back at Explorer Kids after all. although the people there have changed, and i'd forgotten how to do some things, or the ghosts of the memories still linger here and there; i really need the money.

and it's great to be damn busy, so i can get my mind off things.

jobs aside. it feels strange to wake up and walk to the bathroom without petting any cats on the way. i miss my three musketeers the most, Halia, Tilda and Tanda! they're biological siblings too, same birth mother.

a little fact i'd read once, female cats can still get pregnant when they already are, by different male cats, that's why a litter may sometimes consist of different coloured kittens. so the three musketeers might have different fathers although they share the same mother.

alright, everyone's getting kind of busy, maybe i should make myself seem so as well. we're expecting guests, i heard. and then we're going over to Buona Vista again later on.

i just want to go back home soon.

Crazy cats and an idiot dog.

it's my twelfth night here at Guilley, and i've probably gotten used to everything here, the lifestyle, the routines, everyone here.

i do dream about the house back in Pasir Ris, but i don't miss it. i do wish i can see my younger brother, though, because i miss irritating him.

that said, i have six crazy cats here that i can irritate too, as well as vice versa. you have no idea how i love being in their presence no matter what they do.

especially when they're playing catching, they'll always crash into me i tell you. and even when they're sleeping, they'll always entertain me back when i wake them up.

they're all unique, all strange behaviours, and just weird. they can make you laugh so easily without even trying, just by being themselves!

i'm done babbling happily about them, for now, because i'm actually here to tell you a story which pretty much saddened me. and angered too, actually.

my aunt's workplace has lots of stray cats and she's always been feeding them. there's this one particular cat who is really swift, and she's always managed to escape the hands of the spca. but just recently she got pregnant, and her speed has declined because of that and she could hardly run.

my aunt says this cat, no matter how hungry she was for food, would always beg my aunt for love and attention first. only after my aunt pets or strokes her would she finally eat her food.

so earlier on she saw how a huge dog had escaped from its owner, and had entered the territory of my aunt's workplace. all the cats managed to run from it of course, but that pregnant cat wasn't so lucky.

the dog got to it, and my aunt was yelling from afar, its owner just watching, uselessly calling to its pet. by the time the dog went off, the cat was bleeding at her neck.

she died in my aunt's arms.

the dog's owner saw everything but the only thing he could say was he did train his dog well, he didn't know why it went berserk like that. that's a lousy excuse; if the dog is trained that well why didn't it answer to its owner's calls?

hearing my aunt tell this just made me hate dogs all the more. i had my own traumatic experiences with canines before too, but this story is just... sigh.

that's all i have to say for this, but just saying; as much as i love cats and detest dogs, i'd always preferred canines to felines in the Pokemon world. especially Arcanine.

bye. see you when i see you! blog when i blog.

Erewhile.

greetings. it's my ninth morning here at Guilley, i think? my apologies for not blogging yesterday, if you even noticed. i don't have any plans for today, as always i guess, so i shall now share with you my past few days.

my granny and i went back to the house at PR on Wednesday, to take more of my things which i had left behind, due to the rush when i got kicked out.

Mother was there, and so were my brothers. she and the older didn't give a shit about my reappearance as always, but the little one did. he hugged me when he saw me, and i'd wanted to cry but i shrugged it off.

headed to my bedroom, and saw that all my clothes had been stuffed into garbage bags. do you know how it feels? and you know me, a million possibilities would run through my head because of that.

so granny and i rummaged through to look for clothes to bring over back to Guilley. it was a mess, but i'm glad that none of my books or diaries were touched; if the latter ever were, i won't forgive any of them.

speaking of clothes, i've been blogshopping [or more like window blogshopping since i've never bought anything] on instagram, and damn, there were a dozen apparels which i really liked. these are a few, and if you would notice, most of them are knitted pullovers, because that is what i like.

rah i want more knitted pullovers, or anything long-sleeved!! there is truly #NoLoveForLongSleeves these days (': and also, look at these lace dresses, i find them so totally sweet.

and then yesterday i went shopping with Kak Siti again, this time for shoes. cause we all know that i don't own a single pair of decent heels.

we went to Tamp, and upon arriving she suddenly told me to stop smoking, and i was like, "how did you know?". she wouldn't tell me, but the only way she could have known was by reading my blog, so, hiiii.

anyway, we went to the Payless cause i told her about it, and i was showing her lots of really nice shoes with stick thin heels, til eventually she was like, "i think you'd better get wedges. cause i'm scared you'll fall."

i definitely would! and not a very pretty sight at your cousin's wedding, isn't it, so i began looking at wedges thingys. but the ones i picked out were, to her, either too informal or too "boot-y".

we also walked around the three malls, only to get back at Payless some eons later to go for a few more rounds down and around the aisles. in the end we got three pairs of shoes for only eighty bucks, would you believe it :D

bought kfc and made our way back. had my longing satisfied. 5tr444444

well, that's all i have to say for now i suppose. i don't have anything intelligent to say. as always. but damn, i need a job, because i want to get more clothes for myself. [i still have a bunch of popular vouchers so we can use that for books, and there's also the library, so yeah]

ok, see you when i see you. thanks for taking the time to read this, mua.

who doesn't like Trivium right? o, right: most of the people my age.

Nick of time.

i feel like giving up already, before i've even started. i always make decisions on impulse, it seems. why did i decide to repent without considering whether i really am sincere about it? why did i decide to move on when i know i would still be affected by the past?

call this running away if you must, because it is. i found out that i still havent gotten over the younger twin, and so i decide to run away from this.

i told you i'd be trouble. i understand if you don't trust me anymore because of this, for i myself dont trust me either.

i had this dream where he came back. like i'd always had, i'm clinging on to it with hopes that it would be reality someday. i don't think i'm letting go anytime soon; i may be weak for not moving on, but i think my holding on is a sign of strength.

don't bother fighting for me because it's not gonna be worth it.

p.s. shall blog about my past few days tomorrow.

Grant me this spotlight.

yes, i know i haven't been talking with you much lately. yes, i know i seldom blog or mention you anywhere. but think about it, does that really mean i don't care for you?

i did go up to you and asked what was wrong. isn't that better proof that i do care about you? what do some tweets or a blog post have on that? it's good enough that i want to care about you.

it's not my fault that you don't want to tell me what's wrong. i understand that you don't want to talk about it. you know what pissed me off the most? it's when you said i was more "curious" than "concerned". really, if i don't give a shit, i won't give a single shit.

woke up with a shock because i was supposed to get ready for the trip to the pet clinic. Tilda was really mad at all of us, and even more so when we were feeding her medicine.

so i was camwhoring with myself when Halia just came at me and started kissing me all over. i have no idea what he wanted!! he kept nuzzling himself onto my face, and it got pretty annoying eventually, though i laughed.

i just gave him a jumpscare on purpose, and he got so shocked til he hissed at me. XD you know the more i stare at all the cats here, the more i really think they're all nuts. i can laugh my head off just by standing in the middle of the hall and looking around at all of them.

so currently i've nothing interesting or intelligent to blog about. i'm here staring at this post, wondering whether to publish now or to wait for more stuff to happen so i can blog about my entire day at one shot.

or maybe i shall now post pictures of myself. my schoolmate Alisya [or ex, since i'm already leaving the school already] told me last night that i iz pretty, which made me cringe but so blissful at the same time.

and then she said that she is Solitary Author's #1 fan. ahh.... i love it when people dare admit that they read my blog, really. i get a lot of pageviews in one day but nothing makes me feel happier than having someone tell me that they read it.

Azreenie also reads my blog on a regular basis; it's like her newspaper, apparently. i love it when she quotes some lines from my blog on her Twitter, and i love it more when they get retweets.

i don't know la eh, but it'd be nice if my blog gets more recognition. i'm gonna be honest here, but when i tweeted about the "pretty girls stop writing cause that's all i have" thing, i was referring to naomi neo. it's like, yes, everyone thinks she's pretty, everyone's commending her looks all the time, liking her photos and whatever not.

and me? i'm far from that. writing is really all i have. blogging. so i'd like to have that spotlight, since other people have other things to gain recognition from.

writing out my stories, the things i've been going through, i don't know if they may seem attention-seeking to you or not. but it's all i know; to turn my pain into inspiration. it's what i look at as turning a weakness into a strength.

am i making sense? or am i gonna be deemed silly? either way, this is just what i feel.

p.s. i love my Axes. every single one of you.