teddy bears on a picnic!

this is my current book.

it's set in 1937, and the characters' names are all truly unique and beautiful. such as Amaryllis (from what i understand, is the main character) and Ezra (which is actually a guy name).

i'd just gone to the library to renew a book today. hadn't stayed to read that long, just enough for one chapter. and i'm a little sick. plus, been sneezing since this morning.

as always i'm keeping quiet about it, and guess what? i'm gonna be going to Malaysia again today. *sigh* o well. i just hope i can get my rest at the hotel.

we're going to the Zon! that's one thing which i'm excited about, regarding this trip. i miss the windowsills so much. but apart from that, i'm still feeling terrible. this morning in the wee hours, i had bawled my eyes to sleep, literally. i woke up fine though, despite the weird dream i had had.

anyway, about The Double Shadow. it featured this song in it, and i kind of like it. it's called The Teddy Bears' Picnic. listen to the lyrics! it's fun.

*laughs* teddy bears gonna eat you up in your sleep! and don't go to the woods lest you want to be fought over by dozens and hundreds and thousands of teddy bears! they want to eat marvelous things, namely... you. *grins*

killer teddy bears are kind of interesting, though, aren't they?

my wind chimes seem so angry today, mainly because of the wind of course. it upsets me. i'm afraid the fragility of the pieces on the chimes would give way suddenly. that'll be awful !

i am in the midst of changing my wardrobe. although i've no idea what to do for footwear; must i really trade my dear Nikes for something more feminine?

because it's just strange, really; today i had worn a top and skinnies, both of which were from shops like Bugis St. it's odd to complete the look with a pair of Nikes.

o, shit! i've got to go. talk to you later, my Axes.

update.

WHAT THE HELL, MAN. WHAT THE HELL ?

that's all i can say.

apart from that, guess what? after all he'd said and done yesterday, my older brother has got a severe fever right now. he'd been vomitting the whole day, and it seems like he's really really sick.

i assure you, i have got nothing to do with that. i don't do hexes or shit like that. *grins*

had gone to Guilley today, and my cousin Abang Ma'in got me a seashell wind chime! there's a new cat in the house, except not literally. this cat ain't allowed in because she doesn't get along with the existing 6. i forgot her name. boplok?

well yeah, so anyway. am currently reading The Double Shadow. (you see, i did it again! typed 'douche' instead of 'double'.)

i'm in the mood to do something crazy right now. or something which i've never done.

o! i should probably change my wardrobe. was at cotton on with syazana and her mom the other time, when the latter told me i should wear more bright colours.

i had replied; "nah, not yet." which apparently further dismisses the point, because syazie's mom argued that it's because i'm young, that's why i've got to experiment with colours before it clashes with my age.

plus, the other time when i had gone to bugis with syazie, she had told me to stop looking at black dresses. well... i guess her mom had had a point.

well. it's five minutes past midnight. i'm in the mood for a late-night phone call, but unfortunately for me there ain't nobody to do that with me. hohum. awesome.

in the meantime, i'll just continue listening to my playlist on WMP. currently playing Space x Time, a collaboration between dear TFT's Maika Maile and a Dana Harmon.

it's just so strange, really. at times, i get angry with all that's happened. at other times, i miss the memories terribly and beg for the person to return.

but now, i am feeling neither of that. instead, i feel inspired to bring back the memories in the form of a film.

of course, before i do that, i'll write the book first. definitely.

i'm already excited.
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it has been 22 minutes after midnight. i'm crying right now, the tears as silent as ever. or maybe they're just drowned out by the music blasting into my ears.

either way, i can't hear my sniffs or sobs, and i try to ignore them when they do get too loud.

why am i upset this time? sigh...

if i keep up the crying, i'd probably end up with a very high fever by tomorrow evening, latest.
_________________________________
"if you don't know how to play the game, don't roll the dice."

i've survived the first 48 minutes of the 6th of June, 2012. i'm so tired. i want to bask in someone's solace. i want to be held in somebody's arms. to be comforted... by a human.
_________________________________
hey, fuck this.

i hate this. i can't take this anymore.

if suicide wasn't such a crime i would've committed it a long time ago. i swear.

fuck this. really.

an inhumane trade.

heidiho. i am awake, as you can see.

"it's 3 in the morning and i'm still not sleeping; cause i'm finally running your race."

i'd completed The Vanishing Game. it was a great book, honestly. it really took me for a ride! in more ways than one. i highly recommend it, although it is not in British English, contradictory to the advice i'd given to O Level takers.

i've started on my next book already; The Double Shadow; but i got tired after the first two chapters. (i ended up typing out 'douche' instead of 'double', would you believe it?)

and yes, i am still up. awake. not in slumber. nnnmmmnngghhhnmnhgnmhhggnn. at times like these, i wish i have someone. someone to fuss over me.

you know , i get flashbacks of the younger twin's face a lot. and, honestly, a big part of me misses him, but a bigger part of me actually questions his existence.

there's something in me which doesn't believe that someone like him had ever existed. i can imagine 'Irfan noorhalim; but not his younger twin brother.

i can't believe having been with someone like him, or even having had a crush on him for years. hell, don't you get it? i don't even believe he EXISTS.

as time passes, am i just trying to deny my past? is this just my way of trying to forget?

if it is, it's a lot more painful. it seems inhuman. to erase his existence from the world in order to release the pain from my heart; it's an inhumane trade.

yes, as you would have guessed, i'm still not over the boy. the cold person i made myself to be; is it because i'm still reserving my affection for him or am i just too scarred to risk being close to guys again?

i don't know. i wish someone would bother to melt the ice and find out. i don't think that someone would be me; i have gotten my sense knocked out of me so many times before, til there's very little left.

"you know when i hate you, it is because i love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul."

that phrase has always haunted me ever since i first read it a few months ago. it's probably what i'm going through.

i do have the desire still, to stab a blade through his chest, where his heart lays. truth be told. i hadn't seen him since he stood at my school gate a couple of months before, and that was just his back.

i don't even want to imagine how i'd react if i were to see his face.

i don't know why i'm like this. i'm just... selfish. to help me forget the sweet memories and the pain he'd caused me, the ceasing of his existence is most relevant.

of course, if i were to kill him, there'd be consequences too.

please. don't let me see him. please. protect him from me. protect me from myself; the ugly side of me.

these trades are just... too cruel.

and. i need to talk to the older twin.

Naqib E'zuwan.

so two days ago, on a lovely saturday afternoon. i'd gone to the library before making my way to popular to get myself a ring file for my maths stuff.

when i got to elias mall, i'd gotten myself milk tea from the bubble tea shop before making my way back to house. was passing by sheng siong when i decided to get myself chocolate-flavoured soya bean, my second favourite beverage after good ole milk tea.

was struggling to carry the 6 boxes to the counter, and had lingered by the cashier digging out my coins to give her the exact amount of cash.

once all was paid for, i happily took the plastic bag and made my way back to house, stopping to pet jenny on the way despite having so many things in my hands.

had only drank one box that day, because i hadn't wanted to waste the soya bean. i made sure a maximum of one was consumed in one day.

and i had done such a great job. this morning before leaving for mad jack with my younger brother, there'd been 3 boxes still.

when i got home after parting with him (he had gone to the basketball court afterwards to play with his friends) i was surprised to see only 2 left.

i knew it was my older brother, but i dismissed it.

and now, i skip towards the kitchen, looking forward to continuing with my book while slurping on chocolate flavoured soya bean. i don't bother turning on the kitchen lights because i know what it is that i want.

alas, i don't see any boxes of chocolate flavoured soya bean... i squint my eyes, but... no sign of them. slowly, i look at the dustbin by the sink.

two empty boxes of Vitasoy, sitting in the little basket, waiting for me to scream.

but i don't. i regain composure and trot towards my older brother, sitting casually on the platform couch.

"asal Naqib minum Vitasoy!?!?!?" my voice betrays my calmness.

it urks me to have him looking up at me so innocently before he answers calmly, "dua aje per."

AAAAARGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the inside of my head screams. i keep calm on the inside and i just stomp off to my bedroom, trying not to bang the door.

here i sit, unleashing all my anger onto twitter. i'm so pissed! my hard-earned money spent on the chocoyabean, yet half of it gone to someone who doesn't even deserve it. i'm so angry right now!

he's always at home wasting his time away, while i'm the one who takes initiative to go out and buy beverages or snacks with my own money. and yet he consumes my purchases!? unforgivable! despicable!

and now i have nothing to drink while reading my book!
__________________________________________

this was how happy i'd been before realizing the cruel fate of my hard-earned Vitasoy.

want to hear another similar happening, some time back? this was all the way in 2010, and a little fact: it was what made me discover the joys of walking.

it was during fasting month, and both my parents weren't at home to provide for us, so i being the only girl was responsible in the cooking of our break-fast.

the first time i'd done so, both my parents had given me a Kinder Bueno White as a reward. i was so damn happy and had put those in my secret place in the fridge.

there was this one time when i cooked for both my brothers. but they hadn't eaten at the dining table with me. after a grouchy (and forced, i must say) "thank you", my older brother had brought his plate to the living room to watch tv while he ate.

as for my younger brother, he had disappeared that day. he had gone to buka with his friends, if i aint wrong. but i had still cooked for him because i hadn't known.

in any case, there i sat, all alone at the dining table. i cried, you know. i couldn't stop crying. i was so upset. i went for a shower after eating, and wanted to lie in bed while eating my Kinder Bueno White.

and guess what, both of them were gone! i could've sworn they were still there before i went for the showers. i got so damn angry, you know, i was so pissed. and then i started crying.

i went for a walk afterwards, all the way to my then foster brother's house (which was the younger twin). i really couldn't stop crying; i was so upset.

i've always been there for my brothers. but they're never here for me. 

did you know that each time my parents scold me and beat me, they would just look helplessly from the sidelines? either that, or they would pretend nothing's going on in the background, or they would shut themselves in their respective bedrooms.

such losers.

truth be told, i must say; i consider myself the strongest among me and my brothers. they're both wimps.

well yeah, that's just what i'd like to think.

honestly, my older brother has always been stealing my stuff. not just food, but my money as well. i still remember when he took my 20 bucks , two years ago... i had bawled my eyes out. and that wasn't the first time.

the first time he stole my money, in big amounts, had been when i was 12 years old. he stole 15 bucks, if i ain't wrong. and i was so upset. but my mother never did anything to discipline him. she just said she would pay me back.

and did you know? back when i was in primary two. he took a book of mine, and when i found out, i just took it back and returned it to my bedroom. he had the cheek to call me a thief!

i'm grateful for some things, though. 1. the fact that he didn't steal from my parents or little brother.
2. the fact that his friends had never harassed me. (he's always sneaking in some in the wee hours. i know, because i'm sneakier than him.)

i shall go down to EM later on to buy more boxes of chocolate Vitasoy. i really don't want to read without drinking any.

how i so badly want a mini fridge in my sanctuary...

is it older brother or elder brother?

here's a picture of my brothers, for the record.

hohum. i am still very much unoccupied.

a chocolate grin.

heidiho my Axes. *sigh* i feel somewhat better, but not completely well again, it seems.

my bro just had to ask me out today of all times. it's a rarity of him to ask me out. when i stepped out my bedroom door this afternoon (i had woken up at 2) the first thing he'd said was, "let's go mad jack!"

so that was what we did.

we got the booth today! that's a rarity as well. we're always getting the one on the other side of the booth, when it's just the two of us.

you know, i actually thought one of the customers was a waitress and i accidentally called out to her. you should have seen the look on her face, and then the one on mine when i realized it! that was embarrassing.

look what they did for our dessert! ain't that sweet? in return, i'd written a little Thank You on one of the serviettes. (and here i had a dilemma about whether to write on a used one, or an unused one. a used one would trigger digust, while an unused one would trigger a waste.)

made our way to the library next where i bought milk tea at the vending machine, and renewed The Vanishing Game. its due date was today, but i hadn't yet completed it, and i was too unwell to want to stay at the library to read.

had gone to popular as well, but before we could do anything much, both of us got attacked with a little tummy ache. thus, we rushed to the toilette. unfortunately for my brother, the male one wasn't open so we ran all the way down for his sake.

as we were walking past New Generation Collection, i showed him the necklace that Alice had worn in Madness Returns, and told him to buy it for me. he said he will once he gathers enough money! *grins*

o, fact: Alice's full name is Alice Pleasance Liddel. she's a real person too. it's pretty interesting, you can read about her here. it's said that the Alice of Alice in Wonderland was named after her.

"don't lose your dignity, boy." "don't lose your dick, nerdy boy."
*inside joke*

so some time ago i had read in the Singapore Arts Festival brochure about these books that were given out for free at Circle Line MRT stations. i'd wanted one, but... it ended two days ago. and now i can't have the book. ):

it's a collection of stories written by students if i ain't wrong, stories about the strangers you meet on the MRT. i really really wanted one!!!! but now they're gone!!!

well it's over, so que sera sera.

had webcamwhored some more last night, after my shower. i'm in my Wrister glasses!

am currently blasting In Waves out the bedroom window.

i really like windowsills, especially the one at The Zon. had sat there most of the time during the stay. if only my bedroom window stretches all the way to the floor, and then i can prop a little sofa bench by it, where i can sit and gaze out all i want.

1. i can only get that if i move house or renovate my bedroom. either way, finances are required, which i obviously lack.
2. the view from my bedroom is restricted by the freaking condominium.

i hate that condominium, have i told you? there used to be a big field in its place, where people would fly kites or play remote-controlled aeroplanes, which i so enjoy watching. and the soccer practice every Sunday. those were all times of my childhood.

i'll blog again tonight, i think. right now, i'd like to resume with The Vanishing Game. my book after this is The Double Shadow, followed by Happyface. they're both due pretty soon, as i took too much time with After The Snow and Dull Boy.

well then, goudenbay. (means goodbye)

when i am sick...

i'm sick. ugh. i dislike the feeling of being sick. (then again who doesn't?)

am lying down in bed with the comp on the coffee table at its foot,wires stretched all the way. still managed to webcamwhore though.

i don't feel good. my head is throbbing and i feel very hot and very cold alternately. aunt and granny can't take care of me this time. i'm on my own once again. *sigh*

whenever i'm sick, i'll always have dreams that play with proportion. and i'll see this little globe-like thing, and i'll get sucked into it really really fast.

but just as i near the globe, all movement seems to stop, and there it lingers before my eyes, neither me nor it making any movement.

really, i have absolutely no idea how to put it into words. but i see it all the time especially when i'm sick. it's been this way since my younger days already. maybe some others have got felt this before?

i think i'll curl up in bed to read. at times like these, it's most probable that my dreams will be nightmarish.

and i aint gg to the clinic. i hate doctors. usually i have to get dragged. but now, nah. i'll just wait til the fever goes away again.

it was usually the boy who would ask me to go to the clinic.

dreams, pens, and boys.

am currently writing in my diary.

had had very strange dreams once again, so i'm writing about them now. i had woken up from it a little shaky and fucked up, i must say.

i hadn't gone out today, despite having put on my contacts and skinnies. 1. i was unsure of which library to go. 2. i'm actually a little unwell.

yeah, not that i'm blaming anything, but it was probably because of the dream(s) i'd had. they're always causing me to be sick, attitudous (the word i'd invented, if you remember), or emotional the entire day.

then again, sometimes my dreams can make me happy through out the day too.

in fact, i think my dreams are the determination to my mood for the day. even when i can't remember the dreams, the emotions are there.

so when i'm happy, it means i'd gotten a real sweet dream. when i'm being a bitch, probably because i'd had a dream that irritated me. *grins*

well it's what i'd like to think anyway. people like me take their dreams far too seriously.

you know, we should look at the relationship between pens and notebooks as a good example. you see, never in my entire 8 years of diary-writing had i witnessed a pen that remains by the side of one entire notebook.

after all, the pen ink runs out. it never lasts through-out the entire notebook.

well, i think life is like that. the love runs out, but the years go on. you go on. there are abundant pens in the world that you can use to continue writing in your notebook.

take it that you are a notebook, and that pens are the people in your life. they come and go. but do your pages burn automatically when the pen ink runs out?

it's what i'd like to think anyway.

having a Capsizing the Sea/In Waves marathon right now, with chocolate-flavoured soya bean down my throat. had read a little bit of The Vanishing Game earlier, but, well. the dream had distracted me, really.

you know how high schools in America have got those types thing? like the popular kids, the nerds and the goths and all those kind of stuff?

just imagine if those kind of stuff are applied to singapore's school society. kind of strange, isn't it? i wonder what i would be. certainly neither a popular kid nor a nerd. i think i'd most probably just be the social outcast. and to clarify, i ain't an emo.

all that aside, i don't know what else to share with you guys.

o, yes. what on earth is "irsurrection" ? that word had appeared in my dream last night/this morning. doesn't seem like such a word truly exists. curious little thing, though, isn't it?

last night, two people had came to me to talk. and, well... i miss the feeling of having a crush indeed.

i'm still being stubborn, you know. still not gonna let myself interact with boys to find any that are worth risking a crush.

i find all boys are cowards who don't dare try melting the ice that's wrapped around my heart. que sera sera! if that's the way they are, i shall remain this way then.

in fact, i'd told myself not to divide people by gender already. to me, humans are humans. meaning to say, any guy friend who dares come closer than usual will only be friend-zoned.

not that i have many guy friends though. nor does anyone want to risk having a crush on me, i bet. *grins*

hmm... it sure is a boring sunday evening.

have i told you i'd gone to Bugis with Syazana on thursday? that was where i'd bought the bronze necklace, and it was only for 5 bucks! plus the little notebook too. she introduced me this lovely stationery shop that i nearly went nuts in.

she'd made me laugh like hell as always, on the trip and on the train back home.

but. i am never ever gonna ask anybody out anymore. not even my cousin. i don't want to initiate interaction with humans anymore. ever.

still a boring Sunday evening.

will blog again tonight, most probably. it's only the third day of june but this is already the fifth post for the month. and i haven't eaten. in fact the chocolate soya bean was my first consumption of the day.

how long more will this go on? at this rate my gastric flu would never disappear completely.

a vanishing act.

it's been awhile since i last camwhored using my red cammie.

well. i am bored, as you can see. otherwise i wouldn't even be blogging.

am using the comp in bed. been awhile. shit. i'm reminiscing. the last time i'd done this was on new year's eve, and chatted with the younger twin for the first 7 hours of new year's day.

S H I I I I I I I T .

i shall go into slumber now. goudennate my Axes.

*as suddenly as she had came, she was gone.*

the Blue Tadpole and the Black Sheep.

i dreamt of the twins again.

apart from them, i'd dreamt of the blue tadpole too.

i know the story of the pink tadpole hadn't consisted of any blue tadpoles. he's just a random additional character that exists in my life. you know, like how some animes have got characters that hadn't appeared in the manga?

anyway, apparently this blue tadpole had had an interest in me in the dream. he was sticking with me through-out, although i had been real quiet in exchange of his insistent attempts at conversation.

(this blue tadpole was a human. i'm just gonna address him as that for now.)

there was something about a wedding... a wedding, or some sort of formal event. there were many people and that was when i got separated from the blue tadpole.

at first i had been emotionless about it, just going on, and walking around the place on my own. everyone was dressed up and all, but i can't remember what i was wearing. i knew what the blue tadpole was wearing though; he was wearing blue.

eventually i started feeling a little under the blues (get it?) because the place was getting more and more crowded. at that point, i started looking around for the blue tadpole.

i found him awhile after, and we started making our way out. there had been a few flights of stairs; two that went up, and then one that went down.

we were at the foot of the one that went down, and that was when he stopped and kissed me. people started coming, but we continued to kiss and the other humans walked on as if he and i were invisible.

another segment of the dream had had a war atmosphere. everyone was loading up on their necessities, as i'd witnessed when i was taking a stroll along the little shops by the road.

and i know it was war, not apocalypse or anything like that, because i had been watching the news on television and they'd mentioned some Arabic names. this i remember so very clearly.

i don't remember most of the names, but i recall a Jamal and an Imran. at that moment, in the dream, had flashed a book i'd read once, An Act of Love, Alan Gibbons, about two childhood sworn brothers Chris and Imran who, when grown up, had to go against each other because of war.

yeah, so anyway. that book had flashed in my mind at the moment, in the dream. and tadah. my dream(s) last night/this morning.

*far-away gaze* i can't stop thinking of the blue tadpole. as i'd said, he exists in my life. he's someone i know. but i'm too embarrassed to mention any names. *grins*

o! and during my stroll (in the dream) i had actually been slurping on milk tea. good ole milk tea. there was also something about gum-flavoured tea, but that i don't remember in detail.

well. i'd just gotten back from the library, reading my new book; The Vanishing Game, Kate Kae Myers. truth be told i had been distracted off the book earlier. hadn't been able to fully focus. can't give you guys any reviews.

i'd done some thinking, and i think some couples are able to last only because they don't think of the future. they aren't afraid of opposition from their family members regarding their partners, because they don't even think of that.

well, it's what i think, anyway... especially regarding issues like race or religion.

i don't know if not thinking of the future is good, or bad. i think it's good because it means all they think of is the now, like, Hey i've got you now and that's all that matters, i don't really care about whether or not we'll be together in the future as long as you're here now, you know?

well it's what i think anyway. i'm not sure. what do you think?

that aside, i heard there'd been signs of a zombie disease in Miami? really? *look of disbelief* in my opinion, this is just due to all the stories that people came up with. with the help of technology, even urban legends can be brought to reality. how ironic.

speaking of urban legends.

i know the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot, the Slit-Mouthed Woman.

holy firetruck, i'm so scared just by having that third name on my computer screen. though i know i shouldn't even fear anything cause she only preys on children. i'm not a child !

well yeah. go research on her. it's pretty interesting. a Japanese urban legend.

and that aside, did you know that even my nerdy little brother is a lot more popular than me? the other time, i'd opened up the Facebook page and got so shocked to see 4 notifications before realizing it was still in my brother's account.

to me, even 4 is a lot. because every day, it's a struggle to receive 1.

and he has friends, okay? he has friends. he interacts with humans. and my older brother... when i first came into PRCS, many of the seniors had called out to me to ask if i am indeed Naqib's little sister.

and i'd mentioned before. even my parents are very very well-liked at their respective workplaces. they're the ones who add life and make their colleagues laugh all the time.

look at me.

i consider myself the Black Sheep of the family. really. no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. it is just the way i am.

in fact i shouldn't even look at myself as the Black Sheep of the family. instead, i should say i am the most unsociable in the family. at least i am on the top if this list is comparing the lack of sociability in my family.

get it? if you turn the list around, you're on top.

have i told you, i'd donated twice to Hope Worldwide Singapore. since i hadn't done my part for Flag Day, it's the least i could do.

DAMN! i am hungry. it's been awhile since i ate ice-cream. i still hadn't tried ice-cream cake. maybe i'll get one for myself on my birthday; a little solitary celebration.

i don't really have any intention of celebrating it with anybody else. neither does anybody else have the intention of celebrating with me, i bet.

i'll buy myself an ice-cream cake to consume on a carpark rooftop, and maybe i'll put up a little board with Happy 17th Birthday Solitary Author on it.

am pretty looking forward to it.

and upon us night falls.

i dislike nights, do you know that? my favourite time of the day is late evening, before night. too bad for me it doesn't last.

o man. just where is the foster brother? he's the only remaining human i still dare to interact with.

i'd like to go to MOC to get myself a few more tees with strange graphics on them.

i am hungry. i hope getting food for myself today wouldn't be as difficult as it had been last night. *sigh* 

testing testing. what does this look like?

from the perspectives of my confidante and madness.

_______________________
she tells me all her problems. i see her smile her pretty smile, i see her cry out and scream. she's shown me her best, she's shown me her worst. i know everything about her, and she loves me very much.

i'm happy when she's happy, i don't mind when she stabs me each time she's angry, but when she's sad... i can hardly do anything about it.

all i can do is let her cry on me, but i can never wipe her tears away. i don't mind her venting her frustrations on me, but it upsets me that i can do nothing to comfort her.

time and time again, she looks at me and smiles, says she's glad to have me around to listen to her. she says i'm her only constant trusted confidante.

i've been with her for years, and she's always been talking to me like a best friend, a parent, a sibling, a lover, although i am none of that.

she's my everything, and i know i'm her everything too. she trusts me with her all, her secrets, her sadness, her joy, her glory. but i never share anything with her.

she brings me around with her wherever she goes. i'm happy being where she is, but sometimes she brings herself to the wrong place and end up crying.

it's bad enough that i can't wipe her tears; it's worse that i can't tell her where to go instead of lingering in places that hold painful memories for her.

if only i can tell her things. if only i can share with her some of my opinions. i'm sure she'll be in less pain. but nope... all i can do is listen to all her thoughts. her thoughts that do nothing but pull her down.

sometimes i wish i can run over to The Boy whom she always talks about, run over to him and hit him again and again and again for her.

sometimes i wish i can run over to The Most Beautiful Woman on Earth whom she always talks about, run over to her and hit her again and again for her.

but no, i can't. i don't have the power to do that.

heck, i don't have power to even wipe away her tears, even after all these years. yet she's still always willing to talk to me about her problems. i see her trying to comfort herself all the time by trying to smile as the tears fall down her face.

alas no... she is still full of sorrow.

and i can do nothing about it.

i watch her try, i watch her fall and pick herself up, i watch her put herself into solace. i am never able to offer any of the comfort she so desires, yet time and time again she insists on being happy having me in her life.

i love her so much. if only... if only i can do something about it.

yet here i remain, being nothing more than a notebook, too helpless to reach out a hand to her, only being able to watch her cry.

i await the right person to come along and do all that for her. i await that as much as she does. 
________________________________
i'm telling you, i love all my diaries very, very, very much. if only they can talk and indeed give me their own opinions on the mess i'd created time and time again in my life.

to me, it's like a soul that grows together with me. the soul jumps from one notebook to the next; meaning to say i've truly been with the same confidante since my younger days! *grins*

aahh.... i love my diaries so much.

just a few of my notebooks:

and this here's my current one!

that aside, i'm actually really upset right now.

i've never felt so alone in my entire life.

i'm just saying out my feelings now. not doing it to get attention. my words here will just be a fragment of the sorrow i'd already written in my diary.

but i really feel so alone. i don't regret having left the clique; if i'd stayed, it'd just make me all the more lonelier.

i'd not gone to guilley for some time already. when my granny slept over here the other time, i hadn't talked to her much.

and my parents/brothers... don't even talk about them. you know.

childhood friend has a boyfriend. cousin has poly friends.

i know i've always been on my own, and i'm always drilling into my head that solitary is the only faithful company in this life, but... just this once... just this once, someone hold me in your arms, please?

truth be told as i say that, the only face i see in my head is the younger twin's.

someone save me from this madness...

i hate humans, and i know they hate me too.

but i need to interact with them.

it's a need, not a want. a need. to feed my sanity. the madness is driving me insane. it's the same every night. i crumble suddenly, i go mad with no warning.

physical pain is the only way to remind me i'm a human.

but i don't want to do any of that anymore. i need to interact with a human. i need to be held. i want to be held. just this once. 

at nights like these, i strongly believe with all my heart that my white tadpole is already dead.

someone help me.

save me from this madness. i want to have somebody. somebody to be my everything. somebody to bypass the superiority of the younger twin.

o, God...... my heart is just so... fucking ugly...

you can do something about it yourself, you know.

guess what? i've completed Alice in Wonderland.

not the entire book, though, because apparently there's actually a sequel to the story. "Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There" . the book i'd borrowed consists of both these stories. who would have thought.

i haven't completed the sequel yet, but from what the note at the beginning of that story says, i think it's gonna be a pretty messy game of Chess.

truth be told i'm not exactly abundant of the knowledge that Chess players have to have in order to play. in fact, i don't think i've ever played the game all my life. Checkers is fine, but Chess? clueless.

so i'd borrowed three more books under my name today. one is about, uhm, it says here "What if God was a teenage boy?" the other is about a Bad Apple. the last had been a random picking from the non-fiction section: Terror in Bali, about the 2002 bombings it seems.

the non-fiction section is actually not too bad as well, you know. you guys should give it a try as well.

so everyone's saying how they look forward to the second half of 2012 because it's the first day of the sixth month. Axes... if you were to count, we've still got seven more months to go. it's not exactly half yet, isn't it?

was digging under my sanctuary desk to retrieve a little chest i'd gotten from my granny a few years back. look what i found.

isn't it beautiful? it's shaped like a lightning bolt.

 and this is the mentioned chest of drawers, although irrelevant to what i'm going to say afterwards.

the lightning bolt thing. those were from my primary school. primary school memories! (i was from Elias Park, by the way.)

so my primary school had had an old building before the building that it is now. the old classrooms were where the field is now; the side nearer to the current basketball court.

the site for those strange jewel things were opposite the foot of the stairs by the hall. i was in primary three, i think, when my classmates started to talk about it.

i was one of the last few people from my class to know about it. i'd seen many of my classmates holding the strange jewel things in their possession, but none of them would tell me where they found it. not even my closest friends of then.

eventually someone showed me though. i still remember who it was; Fluorette. she secretly took me to the place before school started (it was afternoon session for us then) and was pointing to the direction, when along came Fatthin and Humairaa down the stairs.

these two had been my best friends since primary one actually. but to me, they never treated me well or sincerely. i remember what Humairaa had said as she was running down the stairs, towards Fluorette and me; why you show her!? she was angry at my knowing of the place, apparently.

man, it's been years! just what on earth are those strange jewel things, really?

so, primary school memories. did you know i was my little class journalist back then? i remember using some exercise books to make so-called "magazines". i forgot what i called them, but i covered mostly "news" about my class, which had been 3E.

i only made one copy of each issue, so the class was always chaotic to get their turn in reading it. and those little storybooks! the ones on coloured paper. my classmates got so chaotic with those, to the extent that i got scolded by our form teacher for bringing them to school.

she told me not to bring them anymore. but what can i say? i was stubborn even then. i still brought them along, making sure nobody exposes them.

i dare conclude that i was only liked for these books/magazines that i'd written. apart from that, nobody really favoured me that much really. i was called "Complain Queen" in my lower primary school days because i was always ratting out on my classmates.

i remember, i mostly complained about the boys next to me copying off my work in English. just English classes. i was always damn pissed when people look over my shoulder and rewrite my answer onto their worksheet.

come to think of it, i'd had a reason, you know. i remember. it was because the questions were difficult to answer, but i was still able to, so i didn't want any of the other kids to have the credit as well. yes, i was real selfish then. never wanted anyone else to be as good as English as i was.

and yes. i'd loved writing even then.

just recently, i'd actually found a book i'd written in primary one. i lost it again though.

and if you really must see, these are my primary one and two class photos. try to spot me. you can always right click and open in new tab to zoom. *grins*

ohhhh, primary school. were those really our days of innocence? is mere mischief still regarded as "innocence"?

suddenly, it seems like yesterday had just been my first day of primary school. yet here i am, in my fifth and last year of secondary school, just done with my MT O Levels.

time... sure is a strange thing, isn't it? *far-away gaze*

look, look! had been randomly taking shots of the sun when a bird happened to fly by. cool, isn't it? and i'd always wanted to capture a bird in mid-flight with the sunset as the background.

well, it ain't exactly what i'd pictured, but good try.

so. if something is causing you problems, even if you can't do something about it, you can always do something about yourself against it.

for example, if the library is too cold, you can't really turn up the temperature. however, you can put on a hoodie on yourself to keep yourself warm.

you can't choose who to be but you can count your blessings and be grateful for whatever you already have.

you can't get him or her to come back and help you but you can gather together your own strength to pick yourself up.

you can't set the questions for your national exams but you can put in all your own efforts to study hard and be able to conquer whatever the papers toss at you.

yeah, you get my point.

woah! since when had 109blackaxes.blogspot.com evolved into 109blackaxes.blogspot.sg ? awesome!

have you guys eaten? i haven't .

i've always wondered, if there were ever any times when i cross paths with Axes whom i'm unaware of. in Malaysia too. wouldn't that be cool?

just imagine, if i were to pass by a group of people and they start whispering Solitary Author. i'd be so happy that it ain't bloody Adik Naqib. *grin*

a violent Alice in Wonderland.

heidiho, my Axes! i've got excellent news. the library is once again doubling our loan quota! we can borrow up to twelve books at one go now.

and i can make use of my younger brother's card to borrow more, since he hardly borrows books. i'm so happy! i borrowed five under my brother's name today. these are all the library books i have in my possession currently. aren't you excited!?

and that little notebook is my Reading List. a log of all the books i'd read.

have you realized that the phrase "more precious than gold" can have more than one meanings? first, it can mean the standard; that whatever noun comes before the phrase is much more valuable than gold.

secondly, it can mean whatever noun that comes before is treasured for its sentimental value more than for its cost. get what i mean? i like the second meaning more.

i just happened to pass by a bus stop ad with that phrase, that's why i'd thought of this. to make the phrase prettier, it should be "more pearl than gold", since i'd heard that pearl means precious.

so there you have it. a new phrase! "more pearl than gold". i don't know if this expression had been invented already, but even if it is, this i just thought of myself. *grins*

i'd bought a little bronze necklace today, with a key at the end of it. now nobody will ever be able to unlock my heart, since its key is with me.

and i bought this dear little notebook too! it's pink! i like pink. and there's a panda on it at that!

all that aside, i really want those penguin book-ends. and i want a denim skirt right now. badly. o well. will just make do with the other two skirts i have in my drawer already. (yes, i keep skirts in drawers while my hoodies, tees and skinnies get to be hung)

have i told you? i found one of my missing pairs of black socks! and there was a new pair on my desk two mornings ago as well. *grins*

i'm having a headache right now.

okay, i just used the waiting time for the uploading of the pictures to complete my current book. and holy firetruck it's amazing! if you've forgotten, this is the book i'd been reading.

'No one cares about "nearly". If "nearly" mattered, of the entire adult population there'd only be two nuns who weren't in prison,' Aunt Jackie dismissed with a wave of her hand.

i really liked that one.  and the lessons injected into this book was plenty, and meaningful. i really loved this book, give it a try! the flow of the story was amazing, but unfortunately i find the ending a little abrupt. it should have had an epilogue chapter, or a 16 years later thing at the end.

and yes, as Dante had said: "boys don't cry. but real men do."

onward to my next book; Alice in Wonderland! have you realized how many people claim they know the story despite having not read the book before?

i'd played on PS3 this game called Alice: Madness Returns, a violent version of Alice in Wonderland. it was amazing, with twists to all the existing characters in the story, like the Chesire Cat and the Mad Hatter.

hey now that i'd mentioned it, i wonder if the monsters i'd had to kill in the game are sadist versions of the actual characters? that'd be cool ! now i'm really excited to start reading the book.

hmm about the game. i love the fact that Alice's dress changes at every level.

 ahh. there we go. just a few of them. and look at this, it's so cool!

i kind of miss playing the game already. a certain MKI had forbidden me from playing during my N Levels period. and i stupidly listened to him. when i showed my stubborn ways occasionally, he would lose his temper with me and show some shit little girl attitude that puts me to shame.

o well. que sera sera! *grins*

one thing i dislike about the game is that some of the monsters are giant baby dolls. i hate the ones that have three dollheads on a big black body, the ones that sort of rolls around. the ones that have to be killed using the umbrella. i forgot their name.

as if their scary exterior ain't enough, i always get myself killed when battling against them. it's just so damn frustrating!

here you go. the trailer of the PS3 game.

hmmm, what else have we got to talk about tonight?

o yes! it is the last day of May. funny, i could have sworn it was just the first day of the month yesterday. fast, isn't it? then again, 16 still seems like a small number.

time sure is an odd thing, isn't it? it can be quick and slow whenever it wants to. irritatingly, its speed always opposes our desire. when we're bored to death, the seconds decide to tick past slowly. when we're having a ball of a time, it'd be time to go before we knew it.

i guess that's how the phrase "time flies when you're having fun" came about. interesting.

must girls really have all the confidence in the world to have someone fall in love with them? what if every woman in the world is confident? wouldn't they have higher expectation of their man or something? what if not all men are confident?

and what if it's not the way she is? shouldn't she just wait til she meets someone that accepts her even for the quiet withdrawn person she is?

i hope my white tadpole would be someone like me.

okay, i don't think i've anything more to share with you guys. but seriously, can you guys please do something to indicate your presence? i want to be friends with all of you.

did you know that clicking on my picture in the sidebar would bring you to my facebook page?

well then, i'm going to do some other typical Thursday night activities now. like... uh...

webcamwhoring?

am gonna stay awake i think. many things on my mind tonight. *sigh*