you can do something about it yourself, you know.

guess what? i've completed Alice in Wonderland.

not the entire book, though, because apparently there's actually a sequel to the story. "Through the Looking Glass and What Alice Found There" . the book i'd borrowed consists of both these stories. who would have thought.

i haven't completed the sequel yet, but from what the note at the beginning of that story says, i think it's gonna be a pretty messy game of Chess.

truth be told i'm not exactly abundant of the knowledge that Chess players have to have in order to play. in fact, i don't think i've ever played the game all my life. Checkers is fine, but Chess? clueless.

so i'd borrowed three more books under my name today. one is about, uhm, it says here "What if God was a teenage boy?" the other is about a Bad Apple. the last had been a random picking from the non-fiction section: Terror in Bali, about the 2002 bombings it seems.

the non-fiction section is actually not too bad as well, you know. you guys should give it a try as well.

so everyone's saying how they look forward to the second half of 2012 because it's the first day of the sixth month. Axes... if you were to count, we've still got seven more months to go. it's not exactly half yet, isn't it?

was digging under my sanctuary desk to retrieve a little chest i'd gotten from my granny a few years back. look what i found.

isn't it beautiful? it's shaped like a lightning bolt.

 and this is the mentioned chest of drawers, although irrelevant to what i'm going to say afterwards.

the lightning bolt thing. those were from my primary school. primary school memories! (i was from Elias Park, by the way.)

so my primary school had had an old building before the building that it is now. the old classrooms were where the field is now; the side nearer to the current basketball court.

the site for those strange jewel things were opposite the foot of the stairs by the hall. i was in primary three, i think, when my classmates started to talk about it.

i was one of the last few people from my class to know about it. i'd seen many of my classmates holding the strange jewel things in their possession, but none of them would tell me where they found it. not even my closest friends of then.

eventually someone showed me though. i still remember who it was; Fluorette. she secretly took me to the place before school started (it was afternoon session for us then) and was pointing to the direction, when along came Fatthin and Humairaa down the stairs.

these two had been my best friends since primary one actually. but to me, they never treated me well or sincerely. i remember what Humairaa had said as she was running down the stairs, towards Fluorette and me; why you show her!? she was angry at my knowing of the place, apparently.

man, it's been years! just what on earth are those strange jewel things, really?

so, primary school memories. did you know i was my little class journalist back then? i remember using some exercise books to make so-called "magazines". i forgot what i called them, but i covered mostly "news" about my class, which had been 3E.

i only made one copy of each issue, so the class was always chaotic to get their turn in reading it. and those little storybooks! the ones on coloured paper. my classmates got so chaotic with those, to the extent that i got scolded by our form teacher for bringing them to school.

she told me not to bring them anymore. but what can i say? i was stubborn even then. i still brought them along, making sure nobody exposes them.

i dare conclude that i was only liked for these books/magazines that i'd written. apart from that, nobody really favoured me that much really. i was called "Complain Queen" in my lower primary school days because i was always ratting out on my classmates.

i remember, i mostly complained about the boys next to me copying off my work in English. just English classes. i was always damn pissed when people look over my shoulder and rewrite my answer onto their worksheet.

come to think of it, i'd had a reason, you know. i remember. it was because the questions were difficult to answer, but i was still able to, so i didn't want any of the other kids to have the credit as well. yes, i was real selfish then. never wanted anyone else to be as good as English as i was.

and yes. i'd loved writing even then.

just recently, i'd actually found a book i'd written in primary one. i lost it again though.

and if you really must see, these are my primary one and two class photos. try to spot me. you can always right click and open in new tab to zoom. *grins*

ohhhh, primary school. were those really our days of innocence? is mere mischief still regarded as "innocence"?

suddenly, it seems like yesterday had just been my first day of primary school. yet here i am, in my fifth and last year of secondary school, just done with my MT O Levels.

time... sure is a strange thing, isn't it? *far-away gaze*

look, look! had been randomly taking shots of the sun when a bird happened to fly by. cool, isn't it? and i'd always wanted to capture a bird in mid-flight with the sunset as the background.

well, it ain't exactly what i'd pictured, but good try.

so. if something is causing you problems, even if you can't do something about it, you can always do something about yourself against it.

for example, if the library is too cold, you can't really turn up the temperature. however, you can put on a hoodie on yourself to keep yourself warm.

you can't choose who to be but you can count your blessings and be grateful for whatever you already have.

you can't get him or her to come back and help you but you can gather together your own strength to pick yourself up.

you can't set the questions for your national exams but you can put in all your own efforts to study hard and be able to conquer whatever the papers toss at you.

yeah, you get my point.

woah! since when had 109blackaxes.blogspot.com evolved into 109blackaxes.blogspot.sg ? awesome!

have you guys eaten? i haven't .

i've always wondered, if there were ever any times when i cross paths with Axes whom i'm unaware of. in Malaysia too. wouldn't that be cool?

just imagine, if i were to pass by a group of people and they start whispering Solitary Author. i'd be so happy that it ain't bloody Adik Naqib. *grin*

a violent Alice in Wonderland.

heidiho, my Axes! i've got excellent news. the library is once again doubling our loan quota! we can borrow up to twelve books at one go now.

and i can make use of my younger brother's card to borrow more, since he hardly borrows books. i'm so happy! i borrowed five under my brother's name today. these are all the library books i have in my possession currently. aren't you excited!?

and that little notebook is my Reading List. a log of all the books i'd read.

have you realized that the phrase "more precious than gold" can have more than one meanings? first, it can mean the standard; that whatever noun comes before the phrase is much more valuable than gold.

secondly, it can mean whatever noun that comes before is treasured for its sentimental value more than for its cost. get what i mean? i like the second meaning more.

i just happened to pass by a bus stop ad with that phrase, that's why i'd thought of this. to make the phrase prettier, it should be "more pearl than gold", since i'd heard that pearl means precious.

so there you have it. a new phrase! "more pearl than gold". i don't know if this expression had been invented already, but even if it is, this i just thought of myself. *grins*

i'd bought a little bronze necklace today, with a key at the end of it. now nobody will ever be able to unlock my heart, since its key is with me.

and i bought this dear little notebook too! it's pink! i like pink. and there's a panda on it at that!

all that aside, i really want those penguin book-ends. and i want a denim skirt right now. badly. o well. will just make do with the other two skirts i have in my drawer already. (yes, i keep skirts in drawers while my hoodies, tees and skinnies get to be hung)

have i told you? i found one of my missing pairs of black socks! and there was a new pair on my desk two mornings ago as well. *grins*

i'm having a headache right now.

okay, i just used the waiting time for the uploading of the pictures to complete my current book. and holy firetruck it's amazing! if you've forgotten, this is the book i'd been reading.

'No one cares about "nearly". If "nearly" mattered, of the entire adult population there'd only be two nuns who weren't in prison,' Aunt Jackie dismissed with a wave of her hand.

i really liked that one.  and the lessons injected into this book was plenty, and meaningful. i really loved this book, give it a try! the flow of the story was amazing, but unfortunately i find the ending a little abrupt. it should have had an epilogue chapter, or a 16 years later thing at the end.

and yes, as Dante had said: "boys don't cry. but real men do."

onward to my next book; Alice in Wonderland! have you realized how many people claim they know the story despite having not read the book before?

i'd played on PS3 this game called Alice: Madness Returns, a violent version of Alice in Wonderland. it was amazing, with twists to all the existing characters in the story, like the Chesire Cat and the Mad Hatter.

hey now that i'd mentioned it, i wonder if the monsters i'd had to kill in the game are sadist versions of the actual characters? that'd be cool ! now i'm really excited to start reading the book.

hmm about the game. i love the fact that Alice's dress changes at every level.

 ahh. there we go. just a few of them. and look at this, it's so cool!

i kind of miss playing the game already. a certain MKI had forbidden me from playing during my N Levels period. and i stupidly listened to him. when i showed my stubborn ways occasionally, he would lose his temper with me and show some shit little girl attitude that puts me to shame.

o well. que sera sera! *grins*

one thing i dislike about the game is that some of the monsters are giant baby dolls. i hate the ones that have three dollheads on a big black body, the ones that sort of rolls around. the ones that have to be killed using the umbrella. i forgot their name.

as if their scary exterior ain't enough, i always get myself killed when battling against them. it's just so damn frustrating!

here you go. the trailer of the PS3 game.

hmmm, what else have we got to talk about tonight?

o yes! it is the last day of May. funny, i could have sworn it was just the first day of the month yesterday. fast, isn't it? then again, 16 still seems like a small number.

time sure is an odd thing, isn't it? it can be quick and slow whenever it wants to. irritatingly, its speed always opposes our desire. when we're bored to death, the seconds decide to tick past slowly. when we're having a ball of a time, it'd be time to go before we knew it.

i guess that's how the phrase "time flies when you're having fun" came about. interesting.

must girls really have all the confidence in the world to have someone fall in love with them? what if every woman in the world is confident? wouldn't they have higher expectation of their man or something? what if not all men are confident?

and what if it's not the way she is? shouldn't she just wait til she meets someone that accepts her even for the quiet withdrawn person she is?

i hope my white tadpole would be someone like me.

okay, i don't think i've anything more to share with you guys. but seriously, can you guys please do something to indicate your presence? i want to be friends with all of you.

did you know that clicking on my picture in the sidebar would bring you to my facebook page?

well then, i'm going to do some other typical Thursday night activities now. like... uh...

webcamwhoring?

am gonna stay awake i think. many things on my mind tonight. *sigh*

a self-proclaimed heroine, Maccy D mascots and things that annoy me.

i got to my sanctuary desk after school to find these;

they literally gave me goosebumps! *stare* and apparently, they still do.

sorry my Axes. but i had the Angin Kuskus thing today. as always, actually. i hadn't gone to my EL prelims oral. truth be told, my only motivation to get out of bed today was the $10 popular voucher.

yes, i've gotten it. so maybe, just maybe, i won't be going school tomorrow.

i saved somebody today! i was in 5/1's classroom during recess, when Jia Ni and Eunice came in. mr singh had walked in on the former using her phone, and was threatening to confiscate it.

he walked towards me and was like, "right or not, E'indah? i should confiscate her phone, right?" i put down my book and stared back up at him.

he said to the other two girls, "i shall ask E'indah for her opinion. E'indah, should i give her another chance or confiscate her phone?"

i'm like, "give her another chance."

"why? give me one solid reason."

"because at least it was not during lesson."

and tadah, just like that, i saved Jia Ni from having had her phone confiscated. mr singh was saying to her repeatedly, "you better thank E'indah ah, you better thank E'indah."

the words "thank you" i await, my dear classmate.

but it's okay, you are welcome.

i am a heroine! *grins*

yeah okay so anyway. school was boring. once it was all done, i'd gone and met up with Syazana at the polyclinic, where i irritated her non-stop as always. went to buy milk tea (me) before having a quick bite.

had gone to the library once again, just pasir ris' today. and guess what, i'd survived the day in this get-up.

aren't you proud of me!? i sure am. had bumped into Jaslyn, Roxanne and Sherlyn on my way to the library, and had chatted for awhile before announcing, "this is actually my first time wearing a skirt out!" Jaslyn was like, "wah really ah!? chio! i like!" felt so embarrassed, yet pleased. *grin*

spent some time reading my Boys Don't Cry, getting more and more pulled in with the turn of every page. the book is worth drowning in this time. i hadn't even noticed the cold getting to me, despite my legs being bared like no other times. awesome aye?

headed to Maths, cause during holidays the shifts had been pulled up from 7.30-9.30 to 5.30-7.30. had managed to ask Mr Chan about one of the questions from my mye that i hadn't been able to catch.

halt, random thought: so kirakan si Man punya gang members anak si red-haired girl dengan Man? isit? hahahahahha. why must so cute? haiyo. -.-.-.-.-

once i'm done with Boys Don't Cry, i'll be starting on the next book, and guess what it is?

excited too, aren't you!?!?!? o, and look what i bought after tuition. i saved its life! it's just so damn cute sia. i like Hamburglar of all the Maccy D mascots. ronald mcdonald scares me, and so does grimace. as for the birdie, i just don't find her as appealing as Hamburglar is.

damn, i sure was a heroine for today wasn't i ?

don't forget the webcamwhoring. i still am pretty jakon with it. it's fun!

that aside, do i have any stories for you all today? from Boys Don't Cry: "temptation leans on the doorbell, but opportunity knocks only once".

[halt: speaking of knock, my bro just shocked the shit out of me by appearing in the form of a sudden moving object at the corner of my eye. fuck, my heart nearly jumped out of my mouth! and he insisted he'd knocked.]

makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? "temptation leans on the doorbell, but opportunity knocks only once". you're always tempted to do something, but the chance for you to truly put it into action is of a rarity.

know why? because you don't know how to use your courage. truth is, we're all brave souls. we just don't know how to use this bravery that we're abundant of.

it's like kids with superpowers. they have it, but they don't know how to use this great gift. our super power is our bravery! our villain is our reluctance. the only thing that can push us forward is ourselves. the only thing that can hold us back is also ourselves.

in my humble opinion anyway.

i've no idea what to do with my new piercing. am i supposed to apply something on it before taking out the little gem thingy? do i take it out, just like that? how long more am i supposed to leave it on? and what on earth is a tragus? i'd asked nabilah (my classmate) that but she hadn't replied.

(as syazie would say: "why don't you just go home and google it?" )

i'm listening to Who Says by Selena Gomez. i'm having fun trying to sing out the nananananananananananananananannanananananannannannnnnnaaaaaa part.

little things that annoy me:
1. when i don't have my specs on and i step on something sticky in the bathroom. i never want to know what the hell i'd stepped on.
2. when i'm putting on my contacts and an eyelash gets caught in between like WEEEEEE and i'm here like OUCH, FUCK.
3. when i feel a strand of hair on my arm but i can't see it. and no matter how hard i whack at my arm, the feeling is still there.
4. when i grab two shoelaces, hoping it'd be the ends of two strands, but instead i grab both the ends of only one, and the other falls to the floor.
5. those two little bumps on my desk.

am i done blogging for tonight? yes, yes i am.

just thinking of a title right now.

*ponders*

*in a robotic voice* 109 black axes. dot blogspot dot com.

British English, earlobes, and the person we are.

last night had been horrible. but que sera sera, last night was last night, today is today, and a smile is a smile.

sorry, i hadn't gone to school today. we've got the June structured programme, and yesterday night made me lack the energy to go school, so i decided not to. thus, my absence today.

had gone to the library instead, Tamp's today, where i finished with Dull Boy. i like Catherine! she has a sort of cat affinity, and she's got this thick-skull personality, like a block of ice wrapped around her heart, solid walls built around her.

so my next book is Boys Don't Cry by Melanie Blackman. according to the summary, it's about the main character's old girlfriend showing up at his doorstep with his baby.

"You're waiting for the postman - he's bringing your exam results. University, a career as a journalist... a glittering future lies ahead. But when the doorbell rings, it's your old girlfriend; and she's carrying a baby... your baby.

She's had enough and now it's your turn.

What would you do?"

hmm, just glanced at the first page and i think this is a british book. there's something about A levels. yupp, i just checked the disclaimer page thingy.

foster brother says we should read more british books, and less american ones, because of the language. after all, our exams are from cambridge.

one way for you to know where a book is from is by looking at the disclaimers page. (i dont know what it's really called but disclaimer is the most accurate word i can think of) it's the page that looks like this;

most of the british books i'd read has "a CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library", so that's how i know.

if you're still unsure, just look for some british words in the book, eg colour, grey, trainers (instead of sneakers), cupboard (instead of closet), glasses (instead of spectacles), just to name a few. but there are plenty.

if you find the difference between american and british english difficult, i suggest you buy a book on it. there's plenty at popular under the english o levels section.

yeah, to be able to distinguish between the two is very important especially if you are taking O levels, because our exams are based on british english. cambridge maaaahhh .

hey, now that you mention it. grey is a british word! is trivium british? ._.

just a random thought.

so took the train back to pasir ris, with the intention of getting over the fear of crowds. they weren't so bad today, though i saw many ITE people and i was afraid of bumping into douchebags.

back at pasir ris, i saw Cik O at the platform, though i wasn't so sure at first. but he turned around, which affirmed me so i called out to him. chatted for a while and then before splitzing he gave me 10 dollars. i'm like NO! but he's like TAKE! and i'm like .......ok.

it's been sometime since i last seen him. he's close to dad. they're like best friends, and super irritating when combined forces. right, mayang cousie?

splitz at the concourse, where i started wondering where to head to. saw siying and timothy, and they accompanied me to New Generation Collection, where I....

TA-DAH! ...pierced my ear!

honestly, it was my first time. i only remember back in my younger days, where i woke up to find my head on mom's lap, and holes on my earlobes.

i dont really know what the hell exactly happened then, but i remember the dream i was having. i was on a huge concrete field, empty apart from an aeroplane in the distance.

the old man who pierced my ear was so nice. he said it wouldn't be painful as he told me to sit, so i took a seat and was calming down a little.

and then he took out a gun .

i was like holy firetruck on the inside, but i just tried to remain calm and watched him put the gun to my ear. all was fine, and then BANG! and i'm like WOAH! for a fraction of a second i felt the pain, but just as suddenly as it had came, it went.

timothy said he saw me jump in my seat when the old man shot my earlobe. honestly, i don't remember jerking at the moment at all.

so siying and timothy said that i should really come to school tomorrow because mr syafie has a popular voucher for me, for my english results? 10 bucks!!! i want it!!! so, i shall be present within the school compounds tomorrow morning.

i'm wondering whether i should open up the piercing on my right earlobe or not. it's been closed for ages, cause i never really bothered to put anything on it.

so what next? i'd pierced my ear; is there anything else to be done to mark a change in me?

is there really such a thing as "you're not being who you are" ? is the person you are now really who you are? i mean, if it is, what, has it been the person you have been since your childhood days?

no, right? i'm sure there's been a time when you were far from who you really are now. get what i mean? like, how the hell do you determine and know who it is that you really are?

i hope you get my point, i've been thinking about it since just now.

i shall share with you guys something. truth be told, i'd been wanting to change myself when i was still with the younger twin.

initially, i'd wanted to change myself to look prettier for him. i'd thought the glasses were a restriction to my looks, so i decided to remove them. thus, the contact lens.

the contact lens was my first step. unfortunately for me, though, the day i ordered the fucking shit was when he decided to leave me.

that was when the objective of putting on contact lens changed. after he left, i still decided to change, but into someone likea bitch.

yeah.. that's the most accurate word, i guess. a bitch.

but, nah. that's all gone now. currently i just want to be like a little girl again, wearing flowy dresses and such. i find my height a sort of restriction to that though, for some reason.

so guys. honestly, am i better now or then?
(in terms of looks, please don't think of my personality. because if so, i know the answer to that)

o man. i don't want to stop blogging. i want to keep typing and typing and typing for the rest of my life.
no actually i'd much rather write forever, but that's a different story.

oooohhhhhhhh i feel like another Over The Years special.

he was in my life once. let him have the credit.

hohum. i'm still bored.

don't believe Maggi anymore! the 2-minute on the label is bullshit. i started cooking at the beginning of a break, and by the time i was done, it was the next break already.

shall blog again tonight. love you Axes. no matter how mute you are.

"feelings".

i'm so sad.

really.

once again, it's because i'd thought of something so tiny that it's almost considerably upset for no reason at all.

why am i being like this?

i keep hearing the douchebag's voice in my head, pleading over and over again; "bee. bee, bangun, bee. please bangun, bee." i don't know if it's a memory or a dream, but it's there. his voice is there. stuck in my head. and because of this, i've been crying non-stop since just now.

i need someone to hold me now please. seriously. someone, call me my foster brother please.

i am SO angry with you all that i am not even gonna address you as my Axes now.

heidiho my Axes. how had your MT O Levels been? if it was good, good. if it was bad, you gave your best. either way, stop thinking about it already.

i'm exhausted!!! i think i'm just going for a nap today, after i do a little bit of reading. the current book i'm reading;

it's about this boy with superpowers, and discovers other people with gifts as well. and then... that's where i paused because i'd been busy .

my shoulders are injured, and earlier on Syazana's mom was talking and then she slapped my left shoulder. i'm like;

saw syazana laugh at me. yeah, it was funny, although it did hurt.

we went to see stuff at cotton on, and that was when i suddenly felt like going on a date. i mean yeah, i've been saying so constantly these days, but at that moment i really really really felt like going on one.

but i don't have a date. o well.

alright, that's it. after my O Levels, i'm going to write a book. i don't give a shit! i'm gonna write a book, and then make it into a film when i get older. i'll be the director, making sure every camera angle and shot is perfect.

i've been listening to some Apollo Drive. i really like this one, it's called Time.

maybe i'll put it as my blog song. but not so soon, since i'd just recently changed it to Papercut. but as you all know, i always put the song lyrics under the little music player by the side. the problem is i can't find the lyrics for Time.

hmm, maybe i'll just catch the lyrics by ear. okay, we'll see how things go.

there's june structured programme tomorrow. thinking positive, the bus ain't so crowded in the mornings because no other schools have such things. i just hope i don't bump into the douchebag though. seeing 'Irfan noorhalim would be fine, because fortunately for him i can tell them apart easily. ^^

am having a Capsizing the Sea/In Waves marathon right now.

aaahhhhh i am so bored. should i go read? i've got 6 more library books in my possession to read after i'm done with Dull Boy. i'm not rushing because they're all due in June... o holy shoot! i've got books due on the second of June! which is, uhm, like, coming, real fast?

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVES.

dadadum, da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da, dadadum , da-da, da-da-da-da-da, da, dadadum. 

i am humming In Waves. the first 6 seconds.

I AM SO BOOOOOOOOOOOORED.

hey, let's go on a date!

hey, if you guys like my blog, can you guys do something to indicate it or some shit like that? like seriously. your awkward silence is freaking me out. i have this stats shit, you know. if these stats are reality, it'd be like having you guys gathering around me, with masks on and staring at me as i talk, but just keeping quiet.

no, i am not your teacher. i am your friend, and i blog to share my thoughts with you. it is a conversation. i want you all to talk to me as well, to ask me questions, to give me your opinions, and to suggest things i can improve on. or at least help me spread this bloggie if you think my posts are worth sharing.

and if you have a blogger account, why don't you follow me? i follow back.

let me know if you guys want a tagboard or something, if that makes things easier for you to talk to me.

o, and to clarify something: i am not trying to be like Naomi Neo. i don't know when the hell she started blogging but i've been doing so since 2007, and way before we even knew of her existence. i just decided to publicize it only recently.

the whole ordeal with the douchebag and the naked mole rat plus NMR's little shish won't scare me into locking this blog of mine, no. it deserves to be read. in my humble opinion anyway.

so yeah. look at 109blackaxes as 109blackaxes, and E'indah as E'indah. i only look into my own life for inspiration, and not others'. i love writing, i love blogging, i love expressing my thoughts and emotions in ways that teach others not to make the same mistakes.

i care about my readers, not for their looks and social life, but for their well-being and mindset. if you guys bother to read and think about my posts, that is. if not, there's nothing i can do. i just share my life experiences hoping it'd leave a kind of impression on others.

i am one to talk, though. i told you guys not to sleep during your exam today but i did so myself. *look of remorse*

sayang kapak-kapak aku. *hugs*

no, wait. screw the bahasa already.

love my Axes.