running along the empty corridor in dead silence.

yet another after-midnight post.

heidiho there my Axes. i've just returned from the wedding reception. see my transformation from this;

to this!

hey it's a big leap. and there's my aunt there.

i met many of my third cousins at this wedding reception. the bride is my relative, and i find her little brother really cute. he's around my age, maybe a little older? each time i looked at him he would be dancing, and it was just beyond adorable.

the two guys who were singing (damn i hadn't caught their group name), their vocals were truly admirable. each time the guy in white hit a high note, my goosebumps would literally stand up!

i loved the fact that they were able to sing any song suggestion that we tossed at them. when everyone else was clearing out, i had moved myself to a little table and looked at them play through-out, ignoring and shutting out the chaos around me.

i just came back from another little trip down to the lobby. this time what made me different was the fact that i was in bermudas and no hoodie. so E'indah-ish. aren't you proud of me?

so the room that we're staying on is right at the end of the third level, and that little corridor that we have to pass by every time is always deadly silent. i told myself i would run along the lane, all the way to our room, so that was what i did immediately upon stepping out the lift.

guess what, halfway through running there, i realised i was on the wrong floor. the carpet for the second and third storeys were apparently contrastingly different, and i had to run back all the way before waiting for the lift again, all in the freaking dead silence.

it was damn nerve-wrecking i tell ya.

back on the third storey, ran all the way to our room, laughing out breaths, and then banging on the front door, forgetting that i had the bloody keycard with me.

yes, absolutely nerve-wrecking.

i'd caught the sunset! and a little birdie that was hanging around the window earlier.

and Little Devil still stalking me. the Little Devil perfectly captured my suffering from innui, awaiting that little text from that precious foster brother.

that all aside, i've been missing my milk tea.and been really webcamwhoring a lot during this trip. maybe because i have to wait for the wi-fi signal to come again all the time.

i listened to some Daniel Powter today. and i tried listening to Payphone. honestly, i don't really like it. o well. the world is the world. and me is me.

see some other random photos of the day:

this last photo seems to be standing out among the rest, for some weird reason. but i find it worth sharing. look at my left eye!

so anyway. shall update once more during breakkie tomorrow. most likely my aunt and uncle would linger in the bistro chatting away, so i'll use the time to blog.

thank you very much, my Axes, for finding the time to read this precious little bloggie of mine. a very goudennate to all of you, til our next heidiho. 

devil in the house stalking me.

okay. am at the lobby now, with secure and stable wi-fi signal. shall now blog away.

so! what am i actually doing in malaysia, you ask? we'd been invited to a dinner tonight. an engagement dinner. it's at 8 tonight, which is why we're all still pretty much still slacking.

aunt and uncle had gone to her company to take some supplies, and so here i am in the lobby making use of the free wi-fi.

had ordered hawaiian pizza before i left, and i must say, i really made a fool out of myself through the room service telephone.

so, yesterday. the Zon. had explored the attached shopping mall, and then met up with my aunt who bought herself a pair of shoes. i'd wanted to get a few chocolates for the foster brother but most of them were pretty costly.

the last time i'd been at the Zon was two years ago, and i still remember the place considerably well. mom had bought me a purple dress then. and we had stayed at the hotel. want to see some pictures of 2010 now?

i really liked this weird stain on the carpet of the room my aunt was staying in !

and then the now;

 as for today, i'd had breakkie at the hotel, before slacking at the room for a bit. aunt and uncle left to go to the company thingy, and then i started singing at the top of my lungs. i even recorded myself!

had sat at the sink in the toilet, camwhoring with myself for a bit, and still singing some sad songs with a happy tune. eventually i got bored, and that was when i called for room service.

when my pizza came, i totally forgot the phrase "charge to the room", and i actually told the guy, "can i not pay now? i'll pay together with the hotel." he looked stumped for a bit, before getting what i'd wanted to say, and then he was like, "yes ma'am it is up to you, you can either pay by cash or charge the bill to your room.", emphasis on the phrase that he was aware i'd forgotten.

there were eight slices, but it still hadn't seemed enough.

and look, i've got a little devil in the hotel room stalking me.

still stalking me.

and so here i am in the lobby, looking damn serious but actually webcamwhoring away.

i am still bored, man.

and still worried about the sudden disappearance of foster brother.

have i told you there's mocha flavoured milo here? it's awesome!

still bored.

still worried.

and you know. i sort of miss being somebody's baby. in terms of parents and boyfriend. admittedly. i'd been on my own for so long already. o well. as i'd said so many times before; in this life, we will always be alone.

"you will never be alone" my ass.
"believe it or not i'm not gonna leave you anymore" his ass.

so i await my white tadpole to come and melt the steel that's wrapped so damn tightly around my heart. melt or break or whatever. depends on his strength.

it's like this; between the willow and the oak tree, the one that will eventually snap and break in the storm would be the oak tree, while the willow continues to gently breeze in the wind. 

so maybe my white tadpole is gonna be someone who's like me. emotional like hell on the inside.

i love him. i love my white tadpole.

quick! update!

damn the wi-fi here is so unreliable, it's damn insecure. shall make a really quick move now that the signal's here. or maybe i'll go down to the lobby later to play.

have no idea what are my plans for today. shall i go exploring or just sit at the lobby on the comp? i dont know.

hmmmmm. what shall i do?

a little ghost story.

guess where i am? you're right! am at the country next door, good old friendly Malaysia. been exploring, am at a hotel with pretty good signal.

so i can text now. but the problem is, there's not really anybody to text. bennicker and syamirul had exchanged texts with me for awhile earlier, and then faiz tarmizi when i was having my dinner at the Zon. but that's basically it. just the usual catching up on each other's lives.

earlier on at the Zon, i had sat at the exact spot where two years ago, i had been sharing with the younger twin about a dream i had.

for as long as i can remember, i've never been in malaysia with the rain pouring as it had earlier. it was a chilly night. glad i have my foster brother's hoodie, snuggly threads all wrapped around me now. and yes, did my usual webcamwhoring earlier as well.

as you can see i hadnt been able to stay in one position. was damn restless. and i just went down to the lobby with my glasses on. i felt so exposed, i've never gone out to public wearing those glasses for so long already.

I DONT WANNA BATHE !
i dont wanna bathe i dont wanna bathe. i dont wanna bathe!!!

o and my aunt told me her own stories of hotel disturbings just now. if you remember this post?  from back in langkawi.

so my aunt's story .

back in langkawi, the rooms we had stayed in were overlooking this little village house, literally a kampung. it was adorable, real beautiful. in the daylight i would sit by the windowsill staring down at it. as you all know i really like windowsills.

my aunt told me she'd seen Cik Pon at the little village, playing on the swings, just a little after midnight. the thing had came flying towards the window, and my aunt just shut the door and ran to bed to my uncle.

my uncle hadn't seen it, but the thing kept scratching at the windows, and this the both of them had heard.

my aunt kept repeating Cik Pon's name, but she only found the courage to talk about it the next morning. the creepy thing is, i had been sleeping by the window that overlooks the village as well.

the thing actually followed my aunt home, and according to her, the weight of the thing was literally heavy upon her shoulders. she was performing her prayers one day when she just broke down and cried non-stop because of the force, and she kept seeing the thing as well.

she went to a little hotel to bathe, and threw the water outside in the sun, saying that the remnants of the presence can't be allowed into the drains. i can just imagine her and my uncle checking into the hotel room with a little tub in tow.

well, that aside. yes, am staying over at a hotel with my aunt and uncle. we had eaten at the buffet restaurant at the Zon, where i couldnt stop stuffing myself with the little strawberry cakes.

my aunt and uncle really love to pamper me a lot, it seems! i love them so much more than their combined affection for me. the man at the lobby had mistaken my uncle for my dad, but then i was like, Hm.not bad.

aunt and uncle are in their own bedroom, and here i am still up and blogging. gonna hit the sacks soon though. and yes, ain't gonna be in school tomorrow.

been speaking in Bahasa Baku today. dont worry, i am still aware that i am taking my Malay O Levels on monday.

goudennate! i had invented that word. im not sure if it's an existing word in an existing language, but o well. it shall be my way of saying goodnight for now. 

you.

i don't know what is going on. but you know i trust you with all my heart and soul. it's not that i'm dependent on you; i'm just trusting that you'd be by my side the whole time. you said so yourself.

i thought i was special to have seen you cry. i thought you were special for having been brave enough to cry.

you taught me many things. here i was, oblivious to the knowledge that the rest of the world has, blind to the fact that the younger twin isn't the only one who can teach me valuable lessons.

you showed me that. you proved it, and your hand was the only one which i'd allowed to touch me when i was drowning myself underwater. you were the only one who had the strength to pull me up to my feet, no matter how hard i resisted. and not only metaphorically, but physically too.

you had given me the confidence i'd lacked all these years. i had allowed you to pull my hair back, where you smiled into my face and whispered for me not to waste this gorgeous face.

each time i had my hair up, i would think to myself about how proud you'd be if you were around.

i worry about your well-being, and when mine isn't good, i desire running into your arms just to cry out everything that's on my mind.

the last time i'd went through all these, was during my days with the younger twin.

it's not that i'm in love with you. in fact i'm still a little shaky from the whole ordeal with that boy, that i don't dare fall in love with anyone anymore. i'm not in love with you. and i most certainly hope i am not denying it the way i had with him.

i just care for you. the night you'd cried. i wanted to protect you with all that i have. i didn't want to leave you the way the people in your life had, the way the people in my life had.

really. i don't know what is going on.

but i hope you come back soon. i await your return, and the stories you'd have with you.

in the meantime, your hoodie is still with me.

freedom or visibility?

Mother Tongue Intensive comes to an end!

had the third and last day of MTI today. i must say, it had been effective to a certain extent, and it was considerably a fun experience as well.

 had spend the time writing karangans, and my latest had been a 27 out of 40. it's all due to my Bahasa; my Bahasa seems pretty bad.

according to Cikgu Fatimah, it is my weakness, whereby my strength is in the plot/storyline of my compos. she says i add too many unneeded imbuhans. shall work on that.

damn, i am going to miss this MTI thing. especially the lectures in the AVA room with the 4E kids and cikgu ridzuan. it's so damn entertaining.

had the JC talk today, had paid attention although i've no intention of going there, and i've only got 5 subjects anyway (though not officially yet).

guess what! i'd had my fringe up for the whole school day today, from right after flag raising. aren't you proud of me?

had gone to the library to drop off After The Snow. admittedly, it hadn't been to my liking. it hadn't been able to engross me that much. i actually took almost a week to complete reading it, and the last time that had happened to me was when the book was 800 hundred pages thick and i was saddened to think of finishing it. [remember Brave Story?]

you know, i really like the viewing plaza at Changi Airport's Terminal 1. you should go there, this is my reason why;

do wings really represent freedom? is flying really a symbol of freedom? does flying really mean you're free? is your taking to the skies equivalent to your freedom?

i'd read a book called The Boy Who Could Fly, whereby this Loblolly Boy had to leave his humanity behind in exchange for power of flight. he couldnt bring his humanity to the skies with him.

it had seemed amazing at first, but later on, he realised that having left behind his aspects of human life is actually a horrible thing to do. he misses the taste of his favourite food. he misses his school life. he misses his former life.

this Loblolly Boy lived in invisibility, in order to roam the skies freely. can you imagine that? would you rather live in freedom or visibility? i guess that's the main point.

i guess you can't have both.

if you're visible, everyone can see you, everyone can restrict your movements, like your teachers/parents. you would be given rules in school, at home.

however if you're free, it just means nobody cares about you anymore. nobody bothers about you, that's why you're able to live your life in any way you want. nobody sees you as important to them. you're invisible to the world.

it's what i think anyway.

so which would you rather? freedom, or visibility?

that aside, i kind of have a silly schoolgirl crush right now. *awkward grin* nobody from our school, though. well, not anymore anyway.

when was the last time i had a silly schoolgirl crush? o, right. when i first saw that little boy next door with the bandage, three years ago.

i'd loved those times. hm, maybe i shall write a cheesy poem about that.

i'm way overdue getting over the douchebag, but the earlier memories with him had truly, truly been wonderful. the sweetest moments of my secondary school. the innocence... is long gone.

am currently listening to this song right now. kind of relevant, isn't it?

anyway, yeah. schoolgirl crush. hehe.

Malay Intensive! Bahasa Melayu, let's go!!!

heidiho! ohidieh!

no, i've been pissed the whole day actually.

today had been the second day of Malay Intensive, and as usual there were lots of laughs. cikgu ridzuan was our lecturer, and by ours i mean 5NA and the Malay peeps from a few classes which i ain't so sure. 4/7 and 4/8 i think.

the girl who was asking her really long question and ended off with "asal senyapnya?", damn cute!

we focused on karangan today, and i really wanted to give my ideas, but i hadn't seemed to have the opportunity, damn it. o well.

after Malay Intensive, we had another course which Syazana had to drag me to once again. but hey, guess what? the course kind of helped me a teeny weeny bit. it's on raising self-esteem.

after it all, i had gone to the toilet to stare at my reflection and i wanted to bring down my fringe but then i was like, would you believe it, "hey, i'm actually quite pretty."

i've actually thought that very sentence many times before. but i just keep denying it again due to my insecurity. i guess i'm slow at gaining the self-esteem.

past is past. shame is the past. i have a chance at having moments of pride in the future. in fact, i'm proud of myself now, for this change.

*holds up fists* kay. from now on, i shall do my best to clip up my hair in school, for the whole day.

but ok, we take it slow okay? s.l.o.w.l.y............. .

had gone on a milk tea solitary escapade today, but not to write in my diary. instead, i wrote a karangan about a betrayal that ended up in regret.

and now. hear ye, hear ye; the circus master shall be exposing the most extraordinary act for tonight:........*drum roll*......... her ability to write in Bahasa Melayu!!!
____________________________
apakah masalahnya? mengapa kau berperangai seperti begitu? apakah salah aku? aku hanya melakukan apa yang manusia berkebolehan. aku hanya menunjuk perasaan yang ditanam dalaman hatiku ini.

aku telah membuat begitu sebab aku percaya dengan kau. aku cuma hendak merendam diriku yang susah ini dalam keselesaan kau; kaulah seorang sahaja yang aku membenarkan untuk sentuh aku. kaulah seorang sahaja yang telah mengada kekuatan yang cukup untuk menarik aku untuk timbul ke permukaan.

setiap kali kau berjalan ke arah bercanggah pendirianku, kau akan pusing lalu bersenyum manis serta melambai. aku sering tenung menghadap kau walaupun kau telah menoleh ke hadapan kembali, dan menunggu sehingga kau hilang daripada pemandanganku.

aku selalu mangsa kepada kecuaian seperti ini. tidak pernah ada seseorang yang melindungi aku semasa aku berjalan arah yang bercanggah; aku lazim menjadi mangsa yang tenung kepada orang kesayangan yang membuat keputusan untuk meninggalkan aku.

jangan! jangan meninggalkan aku. aku merayu; tolong, janganlah jalan daripada aku. tolong jangan melarikan diri daripada hidup aku. aku sayang kau. aku sanggup buat apa-apa sahaja untuk mengadakan kau dalam hidup aku. tolong... janganlah meninggalkan aku... aku merayu...

the story of the pink tadpole.

*read without music, or you won't understand.*

once upon a time, there gathered a group of tadpoles.

they were huddled together in an isolation, away from the rest of their society, as they thought up of a plan for them to put into action once they join the rest.

all of them were present; the green tadpole, the red tadpole, the black tadpole, and the white tadpole. only the pink tadpole was absent.

the red tadpole was the biggest of them all, and he announced; "we shall shatter the source of life within the chest of the pink tadpole when we make acquaintance."

the green tadpole replied; "we must attract the pink tadpole's fullest attention and concern before we get the chance to break it."

the black tadpole added; "we must make the pink tadpole believe in our kindness and sincerity, however lack."

the white tadpole remained silent.

so they all agreed that they would, one by one, fool the pink tadpole into giving them a piece of her life. once they got hold of it, they would shatter the piece, and let the next tadpole break another fragment of the remnant.

the red and black tadpoles swam off first, followed by the green tadpole. nobody knew when the white tadpole made his departure, and that meeting was the last time they had seen him.

the red tadpole had met with the pink tadpole first, among all four tadpoles who were present at the meeting. they swam together for awhile, before the gem on the pink tadpole's chest started to glow.

the gem penetrated through her chest and floated towards the red tadpole, who took it with its tail, embracing it for a moment.

it hardly lasted. a fragment chipped off the corner of the gem, the glow dimming as the piece shattered into smaller remnants. leaving the pieces behind, the red tadpole started swimming further and further away from the pink tadpole.

next came the black tadpole. he reached out to the pink tadpole, who amidst her devastation managed to reach out to grab onto the black.

they swam together for awhile, before the gem on the pink tadpole's chest started to glow once more. again, it didn't last long. the black tadpole embraced it only for a moment before another fragment chipped off the corner of the gem, and the glow dimmed a little more.

the black tadpole swam away as well, further and further away until he was too far for the pink tadpole to reach. the distance remained constant.

the pink tadpole continued to swim, and met once again with the red tadpole. they swam together again, this time exploring an entire new district of the lake they had been living in. they only looked from afar though; never going in too deep.

the gem from the pink tadpole glowed once again; a little shinier than the dimness that the black tadpole had left it in. the red tadpole embraced it once more, a little longer than before. the red and pink tadpoles started swimming a little nearer towards the deep, dark end of the district.

just as they neared the strange-looking aquatic plants that shadowed the deep end, there sounded a crack. the red tadpole had broken off another fragment of the pink tadpole's gem; a piece slightly bigger than before.

the pink tadpole's gem, or rather what was left of it, dimmed a lot more, and the colour of the tadpole changed from pink to a shade of magenta.

as it lingered around the dark district of the lake, down below the surface, along came the green tadpole.

at first, the pink tadpole hadn't bothered to heed the presence of the green tadpole. she was engrossed in the sight of the currents that the red tadpole had formed when he swam away. the green tadpole finally managed to get the attention of the pink tadpole when the current stopped its movements.

the pink tadpole went to chase after the red tadpole; the green tadpole following close behind.

they swam together, the pink and green tadpoles.

eventually the pink tadpole decided to regard the green tadpole. the gem started to glow once again, this time under the embrace of the green tadpole.

the embrace lasted longer; but of course eventually the green tadpole broke off a segment of the gem as well. the remaining piece was so tiny, and as the green tadpole started swimming away, the pink tadpole started to sink towards the deep, dark district of the lake.

thank goodness for the signals she had sent out earlier; and along came the red tadpole again, before she got herself lost in the dark water plants. the red tadpole saved her life. the gem started to glow, shinier than original, in fact.

and would you believe it, the red tadpole's gem started to glow as well. it was their third time swimming together, and this time, he had felt the same as the pink tadpole.

their gems, glowing together, were as bright as no words could ever describe.

they swam together, exploring the dark, deep district of the lake. they embraced the strange aquatic plants together, regarding the oddness as beauty, gems never ceasing the bright glow.

the pink tadpole's gem had grown with the strength shared by the red tadpole's.

however, it didn't last long either.

the pink tadpole started to feel weights upon her shoulders. she couldn't keep up with the red tadpole, and even when she could, she was weak, and could do nothing but cry. each time the pink tadpole cried, the gem of the red tadpole would dim a little more.

eventually the red tadpole's gem stopped glowing completely.

the same old thing happened; the pink tadpole's gem, which had been in possession of the red tadpole, broke off a piece. this time, the piece that chipped off was bigger than all the previous fragments, and the pink tadpole couldn't continue swimming anymore.

so she sank, all the way to the strange district of the lake, lost between the tall, dark aquatic plants. her colour was shifting to a shade of dark carmine.

just as she was about to give up everything she had left, a current starts forming right in front of her.

and appeared; the black tadpole.

they stare at each other for awhile, before the pink tadpole's gem started to glow once again. it glowed bright as ever, unfortunately not as bright as it had been when she was last swimming with the red tadpole.

they swam together; the pink and black tadpoles. they only dared swim far below the surface, among the dark water plants that lined along the strange district of the lake, for they didnt want to be seen by any of the other tadpoles.

still remaining carmine, the pink tadpole's gem glowed a little brighter as time passed with the black tadpole by her side.

unsurprisingly, as the black tadpole held onto the pink tadpole's gem, he shattered the remaining piece.

but wait a minute.

the black tadpole took a fragment of that last piece of broken gem, a tiny piece, and embraces it properly for awhile longer. the pink tadpole was surprised. none of the other tadpoles had done that, and neither had she. she watched the black tadpole carefully.

the black tadpole spoke.

"hold this tiny piece, and hold it tight in your chest. someday, you will meet a tadpole, who would be able to make this piece glow brighter than possible for such a tiny fragment, and he will take care of this remnant of your gem.

your source of life.

your heart."

with that, the black tadpole swam away.
___________________________________________
the white tadpole swims away, unsure of where to go. he had gotten his gem broken by the yellow tadpole, the orange tadpole, and the violet tadpole.

the violet tadpole had said to him, before she swam away; "hold this tiny piece, and hold it tight in your chest. someday, you will meet a tadpole, who would be able to make this piece glow brighter than possible for such a tiny fragment, and she will take care of this remnant of your gem.

your source of life. your heart."

so now he wanders around, beneath the surface of the lake, awaiting the presence of this tadpole who sounds to him powerful, not knowing that she reflects the impression back to him, and waiting for him too.

aww so cute. pink tadpoles and black axes; a strange combination, don't you think?

so how's the story? it means a lot more than the surface. every tiny detail. see if you can figure out who's who.

damn i just love making up stories like this one.

upset.

and now i am going to blog about my own feelings.

i'm at a loss as to what to do.

i am upset.

i've written in my diary, i've watched aeroplanes, i've walked in the blazing sun, i've petted two stray cats i met along the way. what more can i do to bring away this negativity in my heart?

right. interaction.

no! i hate humans. the only one i still dare, and want, to talk with is the foster brother. nobody else. but he's not that well himself.

what should i do??? i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. i want to talk to my foster brother. i need to. this agony is strong, not even writing could make me feel better.

what should i do? what should i do??? where is he? sigh. just what is the problem eating away the inside of me this time? and why is it so strong this time?

what will be of the bad?

so i've got a question.

if all of us are chasing after the good people, what about the bad people?

if the whole world wants to marry someone who is good, what will be of the bad? are they going to be fated with meaner people of the opposite gender or something?

get what i mean?

or, is it that, the people they're going to marry shall be someone who can change them? it's possible i guess. i've heard stories of wives dying under the abuse of their drunk husbands. maybe they could have had used more time. so it's a pity that they died trying to make their other half a better person.

amazing isn't it? i can really think to wonder of all these little details that others would have missed out, don't you think. if only i can apply that ability to my exams though.

this is lovely.

drastic effects of sitting by the windowsill.

i'd discovered this song some time ago, like early last year? or late 2010. somewhere along the line. it's from Sims 3. *grin* and i think it's beautiful. listen to the lyrics.

anyway, i'd gone on a milk tea solitary escapade. the last time i'd done that was friday the 11th; the last day of mid years. it was uber crowded today! but i still enjoyed myself writing, shutting out the chaos.

writing's full of contradictions for me. i write when i'm upset, yet writing always makes me happy. it is where i feel joy and sorrow at the same time. where i feel suffocated and free at the same time.

had taken a bus instead of the train back to pasir ris today. was reading on the bus, but i got nauseous halfway, and gastric area was painful again. nearly wanted to puke when i finally got off.

somehow i'd felt sleepy today as well, while reading at the library. i think the problem is the book. it's not pulling me beneath the surface too deeply.

saw farhan telor. was surprised he recognized me, the last time i'd seen him was after cheering comp. he had squinted his eyes and mumbled "who is that?" when i called out to him from afar.

and i saw syazana as well, with afiq. wish i could text her to ask stuff but i can't.

reached the house on time to have the last moments of having sunlight burst into my bedroom. that's what i love about evenings in my sanctuary. my room doesn't face the sunrise; but the sunset.

i've not savoured a sunrise properly before. the younger twin had promised to bring me to see one, back in our sibling days. i remember the exact date he had claimed to bring me; 30th september, 2010.

come! look at these. some random shots i'd taken today. been playing with my cammie.

ain't that wonderful? it's the first star of the night. doesn't look like one though, doesn't it.

i heard, a long long time ago, that if you wish upon the first star of the night, your wish would come true. i don't know how affirmative that is, but based on my own experience, i'd say it's not.

Magda say, maybe the world just been a speck of dust in a giant man's pocket and outside been a whole other world of giants we know nothing about. -After the Snow, S.D.Crockett 

what do you think? the proportion of the universe can get pretty scary sometimes, doesn't it? just imagine, the sun is such a far distance away from the earth but the heat can get pretty unbearable sometimes, even to me. (i love the heat)

i feel like talking about distance now.

so here i am, here. out there, outside this house, this town, this country; my future love of my life awaits.

i wonder who he is. sometimes i question his existence. sometimes i get the intuition i've already met him. sometimes i think we've locked eyes and exchanged glances one time. sometimes i doubt he's still alive.

he's probably thinking of me, isn't he? he's thinking the same things as i am. i wonder if he's a solitary author as well? i wonder if he's given his everything to another girl who walked out on his life the way the younger twin did me. i wonder if he's afraid to fall in love anymore.

somebody tell him i'm here, waiting for him. somebody assure him of my existence.

i'm here. i'm right here. i'll find you. if you're really in pain, don't cry anymore. we'll meet, and i'll return you your love for me twicefold. til then, be strong. if i'm the strongest girl in the world, i'm sure you are the strongest man in the entire universe.

i'm waiting for you too. all the hurt i'd been given by the younger twin is just a test to strengthen me before i get to you.

when we finally meet, our combined strength will be so great. our strength and courage will magnetize each other's, and we'll stick together for the rest of our lives; strong.

my goodness, believe it or not i'm actually crying as i type out this post. silly.

but really.

til then, i shall just explore my youth for awhile first. he'll accept me for who i am, and i will him too. if he's a solitary author, he'll understand my past, and have a cheem reason for it. he wouldn't look down on me for my idiotic actions i'd done.

damn, i've not even met him but i seem to have a crush on him already.

hmmmmm, yeahh...... can't wait to meet him. this shall be the first and last time i talk of him until i meet him. i am embarrassed right now.

once in a while i'm blogging about matters of love, eh?

Blogger.

i think people should start taking blogger seriously as well. especially those who blog on a regular basis. twitter, facebook, tumblr and yaddayadda. but what about blogger? for all i remember many people had been on Blogger before they were on the other social networking sites.

shall now explore the world of blogger and start following some interesting blogs.

that aside, i am going out soon. but i've no idea where to go; just the library or milk tea solitary escapade?

okay, the latter. since i want to write. i've got a new notebook as my diary! "Keep it Simple". it's so beautiful.

alright, so once i get back, i shall think up some stuff to share with you guys that is neither too personal nor cheem.