i just realized that it's been awhile since i read other people's blogs. i've been selfish; only writing and never reading what others have to say. o well. i'll see if i have the time.
anyway, the Mid Year Exams are over. as you can see, i am not excited; neither am i depressed. it's a neutral feeling. after all, the last day of mid years doesn't indicate an ending. it is the beginning of the true battle against our O levels.
i've heard that endings are new beginnings. i have to agree with that one. the N levels period had taught me that. when the prelims were over, the next step had been the actual N levels. when that was all done, i thought it was over. but nope; i hadn't made the decision between sec 5 and ITE.
and after i had, there was still my results to await. and when that came, that was it; the beginning of sec 5. get it? see the journey? it never stopped even when i thought it had. in fact, your whole life is one whole journey. all that you're doing now is a sequel to your past.
and what you're doing now is a prequel to your future.
my principal once told us that we ain't kids; we are young adults who should not be bribed with things like television in order to make us study. instead, we should use our future as motivation. that actually means a lot.
that's what i'd like to think anyway.
last evening, i had this weird wonder: had there really been a time when i hadn't known my own name? was there really a time when i was learning to pronounce my name? and when did i ever learn all that i know now?
and all that aside, i've been camwhoring with my com's webcammie. admittedly it's my first time playing with my webcam, cause i've been using my cammie all along. well, cammie's still with mom cause she borrowed it for her trip.
i can be pretty if i want to, you know. but that's just the problem; i don't.
wow, i never knew webcamwhoring could be so much fun! i'm so happy i think i'll upload these on facebook. tell the whole world that the one-eyed douche is a happy little girl right now.
ya k .
maybe i'll blog again tonight. after all, i am not busy. for now.
they say when someone shows their anger or sadness, they are asking for attention. i beg to differ; you see, if i were to be sad, and yet i smile, it'll be considered lying. and the last time i checked, i hear society hates liars.
just stating.
had physics today, and it was alright. manageable. i dont know why though, but i'd been feeling pissed off for no reason through out my journey home. and it didnt help that the lift door closed on me, hitting my shoulders when i was walking in.
had fallen asleep in my contacts again, thankfully they hadnt gotten stuck or any shit like that. hadnt gone out on a solitary escapade or hung out with the bestie. he had work to do, although i was hoping we could meet to vent the frustrations.
he still hadn't brought me to watch waves.i wonder if he's free tomorrow.
tomorrow's the last paper! i shall go out to celebrate afterwards. milk tea after milk tea after milk tea, and page after page after page of words in glistening black ink. that's such a beautiful combination.
i've noticed some changes in my older bro. somehow, he's a lot more... caring? not towards me though, unfortunately. but to dad. i heard him talking to my granny that he was the one who told dad not to work today, because dad's unwell. something like that.
and i'm like; "since when are you so filial, you douche?"
but then i'm like oy. don't doubt somebody's sincerity. if you've always wanted someone to change for the better, don't be so freaked out when one day he does.
well, i guess i'll see how further he develops. i hope his maturity comes a'knocking very soon too. i need that. his parents need that. he needs that.
and i need mine too. have i told you guys, i treat the last baby tooth of mine as a symbol of my immaturity. it's constantly shaking, and each day i feel like it's getting closer to dropping off. once it's out, i'll do my best to be, well. less immature.
i'll prove to myself that i can be mature in terms of characteristics as well and not just the mind. hmph. you shall see, you stupid douchebag. in the meantime, i shall continue running towards pigeons when no one is looking.
heidiho. as you can see, i aint in school, because if you remember, i'd told you i wouldnt be going for my art exam today.
there's physics at noon, which makes it 11.40 that i have to be there. okay, i shall now concentrate further on my studying. i have no idea what's my plans for today after my paper. solitary escapade?
anyway, good morning to you all my Axes. i am a morning person!
wednesday nights are the best, with everyone flooding my timeline about AM3. really, those tweets can make you smile so wide no matter how bad your day had went. (provided you follow up the show la)
so today's episode sort of focused on emmy, ida and azwan. you should have seen all the tweets about it! and yeah, as the episodes progress, the show is getting sort of more and more unrealistic.
the thing that made me laugh the most tonight was the Emmu thing. here i thought it was my eyes that had misunderstood.
was watchin with my bros, and at the part where emmy had brought azwan to the void deck before she got trapped in the lift with fahrin, my older bro was like; "issh, eh jahat eh! macam takda jantan lain gitu!"
now that the show's ended, twitter is less noisy now. can't wait for next week's episode.
my plans for tomorrow: am skipping art exam, have fun waking up in the morning suckers.
so mom just called and complained to my grandma about some disturbings in her hotel.
she and her colleague named Aidah has got an apartment with three bedrooms, and due to my mom's paranoia or some shit like that, they both shared a room and left the others empty.
which, in the first place, i think is kinda stupid because empty rooms will just attract the beings more. said that aloud and my granny just had to agree.
while i was slurping on the maggi noodles i had cooked for myself, granny sat with me and shared what mom told her over the phone.
on the first two nights at the hotel, around 1 to 2 am, she and her colleague had heard the door of their apartment banging for no apparent reason. and then on other nights, mom was showering when she heard her name being called, but her colleague denied having ever called her.
yupp, that's it.
granny and i were saying out all the possibilities of those happenings, and we were sitting at the dining table laughing at mom's silliness.it could have been wind, cause after all they were on the 15th floor. the calling of her name was probably hallucination from the wild thoughts.
and then it was time for granny's share of such encounters.
granny used to travel a lot, with my aunt. there was that one trip they had around indonesia with my cousin and his friend.
so they put up in a lot of hotels, and there was that one time when my granny stayed behind in their room because she had been too lazy to go out anymore. she was like dadadoo when she suddenly heard noise coming from the room above.
each time she was alone, she would hear, from upstairs, the tapping of feet, laughter of a little kid, and on some occasions, a singing that was, to her, melodious. every time.
and guess what, just as granny and my aunt, cousin, and cousin's friend were about to check out, my granny realized that the room they had been staying in was on the uppermost floor. the only thing above them was the rooftop of that hotel.
another hotel they had put up in was weirder, according to granny.in this one, when she was left alone, she suddenly had this feeling that she doesn't want to do anything.
like, damn, i can't find the correct word for it. it's like, you want to do something but there's this intuition of some sort pulling you back, preventing you from making any movement to do what you need to.
she had felt that in the hotel room, and due to that weird force, she hadn't been able to get anything done. she couldn't even perform her prayers. the only thing she could do was lie down, which was what she did til my aunt and the rest returned. that was when she went back to normal.
granny had talked about it to their tour guide; apparently granny hadn't been the only one who encountered that strange force thingy.
from what i understand, it's not anything like a force, literally. it's like a mindset? i guess? well, it's hardly explainable if i ain't a witness.
granny pointed out that mom's in malaysia, which means there's kind of a low possibility of being disturbed. compared to indonesia, where there's abundant of "ilmu".
back here in singapore, granny's never seen anything, not even during her kampung days. all the hotels we've ever stayed in had never had any disturbings either. in conclusion, mom's just hallucinating.
even if that's the case, i still think we gotta be careful when putting up in hotels in countries like indonesia or malaysia. for us, the very first thing we do when we step into a room for the first time is to give our greeting.
i read somewhere then when entering for the first time, black and red clothes should be avoided. i dont know how true it is, but just saying; all this while i've had my red and black hoodie on when travelling. nothing's happened.
so i guess it's up to you what you want to believe. but still, respect must be there no matter what.
that aside, i had my chemistry paper today. i don't understand the concept, is this paper 3 or what? meaning what? physics is paper what? then why must there be chemy/phy on friday? meaning what? mcq?
i hadnt wanted to come to school just because there was lightning. but then foster bro was like, "GO." and i'm like: "..............ok." upon reaching school, saw that there were many puddles!
the cleaner seemed pissed at me.
chemistry was alright, if i had remembered what i studied. really. i understood, but i forgot stuff, and that was the main reason why i did badly, i think. the essay questions were alright though.
aku ada best friend baru. mengikut katanya; "i was, all along. i just... disappeared for awhile."
you know, all the talk about hotels is bringing back memories of my overseas trips, especially kuching (2009), langkawi (2010) and bali (2011). for me, langkawi was the best!
see the shape of a pregnant woman lying down? there's this island called Dayang Bunting; pregnant maiden. the locals believe that if women who cant get pregnant despite all the hard work bathe their tummies here, they'd soon be able to conceive.
if you must know, the girl in this picture had just gotten up from a bad fall. mom was like, "elak-elakkan atuk dia, dia pulak yang jatuh!"
that aside; i just cleaned my printer. had been exploring the maintenance tab, and it's kinda fun cleaning the printer and changing the ink cartridges.
yes boss, i shall get going on my physics now. or maybe i shall go on a solitary escapade. it's been a while since i last went to my favourite neighbourhood. do the milk tea people miss me?
so the kitchen table is pretty much loaded with chemistry stuff right now. why am i studying chemy when tomorrow's maths and malay, you ask? simple. because my sciences have been declining, and the fact that i had skipped practical exam isn't helping, so here we go.
been revising some stuff we'd learnt in sec 4. back in those days, chemistry and physics had been damn easy. a lot more manageable than it is now, in my humble opinion. had had an A2 for my n level combined science, which is why i'd aimed an A1 for my Os. we shall see.
so today, had gone to the library with my younger bro to read, although most of the time he was either fidgeting with a book in his lap or texting. he went off halfway to meet some friends of his, before coming back some time later and setting off for Mad Jack.
it was his treat because he's the one who's still getting money, after all. made our way to popular after that where we spent an eon in before finally buying a set of foolscap paper for me.
when we were on our way to the counter i caught sight of these notebooks which had "1 for 1" by its pricetag, and i'm like, "what's that mean? but 1 get 1 free?" bro said it was, so i wanted to buy but remembered that i hadn't had any money.
the book that i'm currently reading is called "I Don't Want To Kill You", Dan Wells. it's the third book, though i hadn't read the first two actually.
i like this art of profiling that is done when thinking of who a murderer might be. they look at the body of the deceased and see what is it that the murderer had no need to do, but had done, and they would be able to tell a distinguishing trait of the suspect.
for example, there was this guy, who searched for victims in a forest. from the bodies that were investigated, it was seen that this guy kills his victims in a very quick move. there hadn't been any need for him to do so, because he and the victim were the only ones in the forest, and the nearest human would have been a far distance away.
so they start thinking of why this guy must kill his victims very quickly. a profiler would be able to think of one reason; that there is something about the murderer which he's ashamed of.
thus, the suspect is thought to have a deformity of some sort. so they start looking for people with things like a big scar on their faces who might be a possible suspect. alas when asked around, none of the people had seen anyone like that leave the forest.
so the profiler thinks further and says the deformity might be something internal. and yeah, when they found the murderer, he was a stutter.
i hope you get what i mean, cause i really think it's damn cool. it's like a form of art.
a fact: did you know that the lines on cheques are actually words, when magnetized a lot of times? it's to tell apart an original from fake copies.
we humans are like that too. sometimes we're not really being who we are, and the only way someone can tell is if he or she bothers to look deep into your heart and soul.
it is a normal Monday morning lest for the fact that we are at home and not in school.
going off to the library with my younger bro now. we're watching Shrek 2 with my other bro. i've had my cuppa hot milk tea made by my beloved granny, and a few slices of raisin bread.
will be looking forward to after my midyears, for more than one reasons.
whenever people start slamming things around due to their inner anger, it scares me. i don't like the shock i feel, or the chill down my spine.
maybe that's exactly why i turn tables and chairs upside down whenever i'm angry myself. i'd want it to scare me so bad that i grow numb to the fear and to the frustration altogether. does it show an appreciation or a lack of respect for these furnitures?
tables and chairs are where you sit and think. where you have conversation with someone. where you have meetings. where you do your homework, or whatever work. tables are where you put objects of respect, such as food or books.
they serve you in so many ways, and how do we repay? we sit on the tables and put our feet on the chairs. we vandalise and break.
i know i've not been any better, due to the fact that i've been turning desks in classrooms upside down for quite awhile now. admittedly i feel that it's good enough i pick them back up right after and that i'm including them in my life.
but nevermind. what do you consider appreciation for your tables and chairs?
i've not yet touched on floors. don't make me. once i talk about floors, i'll really make sure you learn how to appreciate them, cause i'm really in love with floors. think i've blogged about this before. have i?
you know, i kind of don't understand what is it that parents want. they want us to be successful, but when we are, in the future they're just gonna feel lonely when we're busy with our careers.and then they'd be coming crying to us about how we neglect them.
i think when parents want us to study hard, it is either one of these two reasons: they want you to be like them, or they do not want you to end up like them.
parents who fall in the former category are those who are successful now, and want you to follow their footsteps. as for those in the latter, they're probably regretting having wasted their education away thus they want you to re-enact the shit that they should have done when they were your age.
that aside, had gone to Tamp today, to read for a bit in the library and to buy pen from Urban Write. there was a dude sitting next to me who seemed real sick. he was shivering so badly and wouldn't stop sniffing and drinking his water.
at first i had felt annoyed but when his shiverings got a lot more obvious, i felt empathetic. eventually some woman came and fetched him, and due to the silence i had been able to unintentionally eavesdrop on their conversation. turns out, the guy had been damn sick for days already.
somehow my crossing paths with this Malay guy in the library seems to leave an impression on me. you should have seen the way he had been persistent in his reading despite his trembles and sniffing. he must have been damn uncomfortable but he still kept reading.
as mrs sherri constantly reminds us; even when we're sick, we must push ourselves to come to school, unless it's really a very bad condition. i guess i'd just witnessed an example of that huh.
there's no school tomorrow! maybe i'll head to maccy d in the morning once again to do a little bit of studying. maybe.
had sent her off at the airport today. i dont know if it had been expected or not, but i hadnt had any tears. and neither had she.
i feel so relieved.
that aside, i accidentally cut my thumb this morning. there was so much blood, even 5 pieces of blood-soaked tissues hadn't been enough to stop the bleeding. admittedly, i liked the sight of all that blood. it's a sign of life, and death, at the same time.
------------------------------------------------- i see you. i see him. at a mere glance, i can immediately tell who's who.
you see me, but he doesn't. you slowly divert your eyes from me to him. you know what he'd done to me more than three months ago, but he doesn't know what you've done to me barely three nights ago. he looks at you and smiles, and you return the gesture.
as soon as he turns away, you're looking at him with remorse in your eyes.
the tooth is the key to my senses. each time my hands slither toward your windpipe, do me the ultimate favour; take my hand and force my finger onto your tooth. your life is at stake, but more importantly, so is my sanity.
and for once, i dont mean this metaphorically. this is literal.
i wonder what are my plans for tomorrow? somebody's going off to KL for a one-week trip at noon, not that it makes a difference to me. but granny insists on sending her off, so i've no choice but to tag along as well, cause granny doesnt know her way around the airport.
still gonna try bargaining with her. my plan shall be to go on a solitary study session from morning, and then she'll take a cab to the airport with her daughter. after that, i'll meet with her and then we'll go home together.
that way, her daughter and i wouldnt have to put on a show of insincere hugs and crocodile tears in front of her colleagues. get it? good.
that aside, is it Mother's Day tomorrow? or isit next week? i'd like to do something for my aunt at guilley and granny. aunt says she's gonna bring me for another check-up regarding my gastric after my midyears.am looking forward.
did you know that the activation for Painty brand markers is just damn cool?
everyone's saying the moon is beautiful tonight. i shall run out right now and see for myself. hold on a minute!
not bad. though i could have done better in terms of the shot.
regrettably, i've nothing more to share with you guys today. most of the recent happenings are more personal hence their place in merely my diary.
o, yes. i can't wait to get the hell out of prcs. really. i always feel like i'm walking in a straitjacket each time i'm within the school compouds. for some reason i keep getting this feeling that i'm being buried by a dozen invisible eyes, being judged for every movement.
it's the paranoia, the shame. and everything else in between.
what do you think of bloggie's new outfit? i sayang my blog you know. i sayang with all my heart!
why was i in this get up you ask? excellent question! ain't gonna answer it though.
had maths at 1 to 3 today, got pretty restless halfway. and then there was my geog midyear yesterday, which efforts i had given for was sort of satisfying. can't wait to get back my results.
alas, my sciences have been declining, so i dont really look forward to the midyears for that. had skipped my practical exam two fridays ago, and honestly, i'm gonna be doing the same for art.
anyway. there's a change in me, in terms of my livelihood. it's for the best, so i've no heartache for this one.
went all the way to whitesands earlier just to buy the 6 packets of milk tea, because there weren't any at E.M. the things i do for the things i like.
i accomplished something today! i had my fringe up from home to home; the time i left, to the time i reach back. which is like, 4 something all the way to 9.30. i'm damn proud of myself, heheheheh.
so anyway, how was my day, you ask? had my social studies and maths P1 mid years today. i'm pleased with the former's section B, but for section A... not so much. i dream of 25/25 for sect B though, heh.
as for maths, i'm satisfied with a few of my answers, but not all too.
during my break, had fallen asleep after eating 2 paos and studying a little. luckily jaslyn could wake me up to get going to the hall, it's not her first time calling out to me from the opposite block. she was like, "you think we your alarm clock or what huh?"
but so sweet, thank you very much Jaslyn, Huiyu, Sherlyn and Roxanne, for having seen me sleeping all the time. or maybe i should just stop sleeping there altogether.
reached home about 1.45? slacked at home a bit, getting mighty pissed with my brothers before stomping out of the house some eons later.
the surface is contradictory to the interior:
i had gone to the airport today, but i ended up regretting because i started missing my milk tea halfway through the iced coffee i had ordered. did a little bit of maths and wrote in my diary before taking the train back to pasir ris some eons later.
when the train got to tampines, an announcement came on saying that we aint gonna stop at the station. i wonder why.
made my way to pasir ris lib to read Lockdown for awhile before meeting my mom to eat ananas. she's got a free hoodie from her company! imagine if we've got free orange hoodie from eXplorer kids. that'd be awesome!
but then again, it's just an imagination, isn't it.
made my way to tuition some eons later, where i attempted this effing question about 6 times before finally getting it.bought my milk tea afterwards, before going home to watch Anak Met 3, at the same time reading everyone's tweets about it.
damn funny! the one that had made me laugh to myself was Muzzy Malek's "aku hello punya hello", for some reason. i actually LOL-ed.
so yes. i seem to be picking myself up, slowly but surely. but i ain't got nothing to philosophy about today, not really in the mood or energy. *yawns* there we go! it's an indication for my slumber. goodnight my Axes.
have changed my Fb name back to E'indah. E'indah N.Axe, because i am not yet forgiven by my father so i daren't use his name. and i'm still pretty much pissed off with both my bio brothers.
i'm pissed off with everyone in fact, apart from a few people scattered around my life. like, different people who have got no link whatsoever to one another, apart from me. examples, Mayang cousie, Syazana, Nicholas Jude, Haikal dood. yes i've mentioned this already.
maybe they are indeed. but don't forget, some windows are decorated with curtains. some with lacy curtains, pink so cheerful. who would have imagined what really lay in the house?
even if you manage to sneak a peek into the house through the windows, it's not affirmative that you'd be able to see everything inside. who knows what lays beneath the windowpane of the window you're looking through?
there could be something horrid, an ugliness contradictory to the dollhouses and dresses with ruffles you see by the opposing wall. until you're allowed in by the owner of this house, you're never gonna see everything inside.
sometimes the owner places a mirror opposite the window you're looking through, just so YOU could see what is it that's hidden beneath you. in this case, you're being called upon for help. don't ignore this privilege. it takes a lot of strength to place the mirror there; a lot of courage to share with you the pain and sadness.
look at me through my Wrister glasses. you can't see much, because these glasses are dirty, scratched. even with my contacts, you won't be able to truly see in, because there are still pieces of plastic for you to look through.
this hair covering the eye thing, it's a sign of lack in pride. it's a symbol of shame. it's not a trend.
some people hide behind their smile. others, behind the hair. who's the braver one? definitely not the latter. definitely not me.
so what's my point? are eyes truly the windows to the soul? indeed they are. but it's not confirmed that you'd be able to see everything inside. we all have got secrets. we all, from time to time, place mirrors opposite the window that people look through, as a cry for help.
for my case, three people have seen what lay beneath the windowpane of my eyes. two of them left abruptly some time after, making me shatter this mirror, pieces swept under one of the pink carpets. never again am i gonna bring forth another mirror. the weight of it exhausts me. there's no more strength in me to carry anymore mirrors.
i've always wondered why Labour Day is a public holiday when labour obviously means to work. have never gotten an answer to this childhood question of mine. o well.
i'd just got home from a solitary escapade. had gotten up in the morning and made my way to breakkie and a little bit of studying at mac. i like looking like a nerd, eating alone staring into thin air.
although all my innocence has gone so many eons ago.
that aside, what have i got to share with you today?
meet Zorro. (this picture is from 2 years ago)
he's the third arrival in my aunt's household of 6 cats, my cousin bringing him home upon discovery of the shaking little kitten, barely covering a human palm.
someone had attempted to burn this little kitty, as proved by a long burn mark etched into the side of his body. it's permanent, it's still there now, just seemed a little shrunken due to the growth of his body.
so anyway, my cousin had saved Zorro's life, my aunt had provided him with shelter and food, while my uncle showers him with love and care. the household had been Zorro's saviour, and sometimes, he returns the favour in tiny but visible and meaningful ways.
my grandmother says Zorro is their rezeki.
in this very household there's another cat by the name of Katie, the anak dara tua, who is pretty feisty and temperamental. she's always reaching out her claws to unsuspecting passing feet, for no apparent reason.
now, my mother; she sees something in Katie which is worth teasing. each time Katie is minding her own business, my mother would come over and disturb her. eventually, Katie recognizes my mother, but for the wrong reasons.
time to come, my mother grows afraid of Katie. one day, the huge cat decided to lie down smack dab in the middle of the lane when my mother had to leave. to go out the door, she had to pass by that cat of course, who would no doubt try to bite or scratch my mother's legs.
grandmother and i had tried to coax her into moving away, but of course, she refused.
jokingly, my mother shouts: "Zorro! come and help me."
along came the smaller cat, staring up at my mother, and then at Katie. to all our horros and surprise, Zorro pounced on Katie; the latter started to cry and they got into a horrible catfight.
eventually Katie dashes back to the room, away from the scene, clearing the path to the door once again.
my mother still believes that Zorro had saved the day then.
Zorro is also my uncle's alarm clock. in the night, my uncle would yell at Zorro, "Zorro! wake me up at 7 tomorrow morning." and the next morning, by 6:55 Zorro would be meowing at the top of his voice by my uncle's mattress.
i dont have any recent pictures of Zorro, or any of the other cats from Guilley for that matter. i've got dozens of stories though. the household is always chaotic with all 6 of them around.
there are Katie, Hometown, Zorro, Halia, Tilda, and Tanda. i love Hometown the most. that's not his real name though, this is just what i address him as. i don't even remember the reason, it's been years.
when Katie and Hometown were still little, they came over to my own house here in Pasir Ris once. Hometown couldnt stop meowing for some reason, not until i took him in my solace and cradled him in my arms. he had fallen asleep and only woke up when it was time for them to go home.
that's my earliest memory of Hometown, way back in 2008.
so yeah. maybe someday i'll gather all the bizarros that had happened with these cats, and share with ya. here are just some random facts about the cats, that i notice.
-Katie loves boxes.
-Hometown is the quiet gentleman type.
-Zorro is the one who brings chaos.
-Halia will always call out to you whenever you pass him by.
-Tilda loves to massage my grandmother's inner thighs.
-Tanda is very attached to Zorro.
hmmm, now that i mention it, it's been awhile since i last went to Guilley.
it is the first of May, 2012. what has this month got in store for all of us? granted, our future depends on who we are, on whether we work hard, put in the effort, or simply lucky.
we are all different, we are all expecting different things in this month that remains mysteriously under the shadows. not all of us are depressed right now; we are not all expecting the month of May to be better.
if you're happy now, rest assured the month of May is bound to test you a lot harder and more difficult in terms of your patience, resilience, courage, strength, and everything in between.
we're all gonna fight. for our happiness, we're all gonna fight, aren't we? we've got the strength, the physical ability, mental ability, the courage.
so yeah. whether you've been depressed or happy in the month of April -- which lies behind us now until it comes around again next year -- be prepared to fight, to fight with all your life for your happiness.
and not only for the month of May, but the battle goes on til the end of time. the end of your life. and even then, your passing wouldn't mean you've lost. it is an act of bravery, that you've managed to last so long.
i hope you get what i mean.
anyway, am at mac right now, just finished a little breakkie. hopefully stomach wouldnt be upset or anything, because i'm not really in the mood to go to the toilette.
so yes, i am gonna study. tomorrow's my social studies and maths papers. all the best to everyone else who's taking their mid years too.
gah. if only i can keep writing and writing for the rest of my life.
heidiho my dear Axes! here i am once again, behind my computer screen, the choice of letters laid out in front of me to help me form words and phrases and lessons to share with you all.
the top 3 things from school:
1. haziq was amazing during pledge taking. really, i applaud him.
2. social studies is actually kinda fun if you really understand it.
3. i hate mondays.
after school, had intended to go to changi airport, but halfway received a text from Maya cousie, who was on her way to compass point so that was where i made my way towards instead.
i've never explored the district before apart from the time when i had to get Haikal dood to come save me. but fortunately for me i was able to find my way to compass point, where Maya was already waiting.
her friend is so adorable. the dude was immediately like "Hello!" when he saw me peek out from behind cousie's back. i was taken aback and couldn't respond, but lucky for me cousie was like, "oh, dia pendiam sikit,", something like that?
he asked me about my tee, which was from Ministry of Clothing, and then he was like sharing info about the company sponsoring for Anak Metropolitan, so i was like, Cool.
later on when we were splitz, maya was like, "i told him you were pendiam, that's why he tried talking to you, and all you had to say was Cool !?"
we made our way to kfc, where i just bought a few egg tarts, and while eating, we kept laughing as always. at the end of it all, i managed to write a real cheesy poem for her on a piece of serviette. if memory serves me right it'd went like this:
my dear cousie always there for me. my dear cousie makes me so happy. my dear cousie always makes me laugh like crazy. my cousin Mayang whom i will always sayang.
it's kind of last minute but i'm proud of it all the same. made her shove it into her wallet, heh.
made our way to the library where i completed The Dead Of Winter, maya leaving halfway through my completion. so blah3 went to pasir ris lib on my own before going to elias mac where i bumped into Wei Liat eating M&Ms in the queue. for some reason damn cute lah.
know why i hate mondays? my top reason is the fact that the bus stop is ultra crowded after school every monday. yeah, it's as simple as that. simple yet extreme.
so tomorrow is a public holiday. unfortunately, though, the library will be closed. and tadah, it's a wrap as April 2012 comes to a close.
from what i observed, May is always one of the best months each year. May always consists the crest with the highest amplitude for the year, while October consists of the trough with the same amplitude. if you get what i mean.
am looking forward to May this year, although this Wednesday would have made it half a year if Irshad and i were still together.
but we're not, so, que sera sera. i just felt like talking about him cause our song is playing right now. shuffle, not intently. okay? okay. done.
this thursday, have got an appointment. have vowed to wear anything apart from my usual get up of Nikes and skinnies, so, that is what i shall do -- not wear Nikes or skinnies. though i'd most prob leave home in the mentioned, and just bring along some other stuff to change into.
well. shall do my best.
the song is over, and now it's Stolen, Dashboard Confessional.
this song had been the song i was listening to when i was meeting Irshad before our trip to WW back on the 29th of Jan, 2012. i saw him sitting, in the distance, oblivious to the pair of eyes he had been buried in. at that moment, the very lyrics that had screamed into my head were: "you have stolen my heart" .
because indeed, he had.
i remember, my very thoughts at that very moment were just: "This boy. he's truly the love of my life. i love him so much. i love him with all my heart and soul."
i had cried. this sudden recollection is making me remember tiny details i had never thought of before. now i remember, i had cried as i stared at him from the distance, on the platform of Kembangan mrt station.
it must have been a premonition, i must have felt something wrong. i probably sensed he was gonna leave me in a matter of less than a week's time, so i wanted to take in all of him while i still could. maybe. i dont know. i never wrote anything about it in my diary of that period.
in any case, it's all over now. he may have been the most handsome boy i've ever met, but he wasn't the bravest. all the time i've known him, nearly two years of friendship, he'd never allowed any tears fall from his eyes in the comfort of my presence before.
the fact that he's left me as many as three times, already symbolizes his cowardice. the fact that he's lost the strength to hold on, while there i remained with arms continuing to grip on to the feelings, it's already proved who's the braver one here.
the fact that he doesn't dare to cry, that he doesn't dare to have the feelings, that he doesn't dare face consequences to the actions he took.
that said, i conclude that i'm a brave girl. i dared to linger in the memories, the feelings that once existed, i dared to cry and respond in inhumane ways, before finally gathering the strength to try and get up.
i'm back to normal now. i'd like to thank the one who had told me not to be a lamppost. you know who you are. this person had been the one to push me when i needed it the most, towards the correct direction. i'd like to thank you. so, thank you.
now stare at all the memories of Irshad and i for one last time before i burn these pictures. pictures over the years.
-----------------------------------------------
"i'd like to wish you a happy birthday."
i turn to face him. "Huh?"
he smiles. "your birthday. i'd wanted to wish you, but i remembered Khairul telling me to stay away from you, so i didnt know whether to wish you or not. so, happy birthday. belated."
"Wow. thank you."
we resume our way towards pasir ris park. i take in his scent from next to me; so familiar, yet so new. each time his hand touches mine, a jolt of electricity shoots up my arm, despite our past in which we had hugged each other so many times.
we pass by the spot where we had shared our first kiss. he's talking about a friend of his now, and i sneak a glance at him, hoping to see a shroud of remembrance. i find myself being disappointed, but i shrug it off.
"oh, there. waterbreaker. let's go sit there." he quickens his pace, but slows it down as i answer: "it's not a waterbreaker. it's a breakwater."
"no it is not, it's a waterbreaker."
"who's the one who learnt geography here?"
silence engulfs us before he laughs, "breakwater, waterbreaker. who cares! it's the same, just said differently."
"right."
he sits next to me, and after a whole line of conversation, catching up on each other's lives, we seem to run out of things to say, and he rests his head on my shoulder.
"tired, aren't you." i say.
"yes. very." he answers quietly. i rest my head on his, taking in the scent; still the same as more than a year ago. memories are flashing in my head right now. we were barely fifteen then.
i lift my head and look over the horizon. from the corner of my eye, i see his eyes on me, so i return the stare. he smiles, and again, i copy his action.
we lean our heads closer to each other's, and before i realize what's happening, we kiss.
our second kiss, more than a year after our first.
his eyes are on mine--no, more like in mine. deep in mine. i remain silent, only words in my head being able to reveal my feelings.
he speaks. "be my girlfriend?"
i recall the day back in october last year, when i had requested for a relationship after having shared our first kiss. he had told me he'd think about it. is this his answer now?
i smile. it doesn't take a lot of strength for me to smile right now. nodding my head off, i empathize my acceptance, repeating over and over: "yes, yes."
with that, my crush of two years is now my boyfriend.
his arm around my shoulders, he nuzzles his head against my hair and states: "believe it or not... i'm never gonna leave you again."
i believe you. i believe you with all my heart. I love you. Irshad, I love you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- i want you to know: with everything, i won't let this go. these words are my heart and soul. i'll hold on to this moment, you know. cause i'd bleed my heart out to show that i won't let go.
i cried when it's within my reach, i cried when i've got it in my grip. i cried when i fought to keep it in my hands, i cried when it left. i cried when i was holding on to it so strongly; and now, i cry when i'm getting up once again on my feet.
if only i can have your hands in mine now, i just want to thank you. one last time, i just want to hold your hands, to show my sincerest apologies and gratitude. to share my tears with you one last time, to have you witness my first true smile since you left me, cause really. you taught me so much.
am off on another solitary escapade now, and for once i had thought of bringing lappy along. alas that rare thought had been destroyed by the fact that my lappy batt is currently running low.
when was the last time i'd gone to the airport to write? according to my telepathic memory/date data sheet, the last time i had done that was... the 8th of April? somewhere along the line. well, i don't really care, and neither do you, so why are we bringing this up?
when i get home, i shall share with you my today alright? jetting off!
p.s. writing/blogging/any forms of communication using only alphabets with no need for sound is my only comfort zone these days. wouldn't be talking much, but give me a pen and paper and POOF! all your questions, guaranteed answered. so come on, do something to indicate your presence yo. i've got stats, why don't you leave questions/comments/ideas?
disappointment. the art of having your hopes crushed.
imagine a glass ball in your hands. you want it to reflect the sunlight to make a beautiful life picture, so you toss it as high as you could into the sky, where it's closer to the sun. you believe, with all your heart, that in a moment you're gonna see something truly spectacular!
alas, you didn't manage to throw it up that high, and not only were you unable to see that picture of the glass ball with the sunlight behind it come to life, but down comes the glass ball and before you could catch it, it shatters to pieces.
it's beautiful in its own way, but it's not what you were hoping for. you drop on the pieces, the glass cutting into your arms and face.
are you gonna show up on people's doorsteps with the blood trickling down your face? are you gonna gather together with other disappointed people and lick your wounds together?
no, you shall not. you shall discover many other glass balls, and the strength you put into every throw differs. some may reach the sky and you can see the light bursting forth through the glass, while others would drop and shatter into pieces.
but still. there are a dozen glass balls in your life. the fact that you want to put all your energy into throwing them into the sky is enough. the will, the desire, the courage, and the strength. you're the strongest girl/boy in the world!
and don't forget. the ball's speed differs too. if there isn't any burst of sunlight or the ball doesnt come crashing on the ground, then it's probably still on its way to the sun. it takes its time, so maybe it's able to reach waaaay up and be really sparkly with all the sunlight emaciating from it.
get what i mean?
well apart from that. i'd just returned from a milk tea solitary escapade before meeting with Maya cousie to retrieve a copy of S.S sec 3 textbook. she had taken to the trouble of asking her friends for it, so i am really thankful for her. thank you cousin!
on the bus back home, had bumped into these 3 mats who were seated at the back of the bus, and they called out my name again and again. totally didn't recognize their faces at all, and then the middle one was like, "naqib punya kawan!"
and i'm like, "Ah." and that was that.
i dislike being called "adik Naqib". really, it's so damn frustrating. it's been going on for eons already, i'd be like passing by a group of malays and they'd be like whispering "eh adik naqib adik naqib."
1. i can hear you know.
2. my moniker ain't "adik Naqib". i have a name and it's E'indah!
another thing which irritates me about malay strangers that cross my path. sometimes they talk about me, clearly referring to me, things like, "seramnya rambut dia!" it takes a whole ounce of patience not to yell into their faces: "AKU MELAYU DOL, SUKA HATI AKU LAH!"
look at that snail.
had drawn it when i was done with my english paper 1 on friday, but sadly had to throw away all used papers. hence i've brought it back to life. isnt it just beautiful? be a snail, y'all. slow, but at least there's movement.
people aint gonna step on you cause you're the strongest person in your world, okay? okay. we all are. we shall someday gather together to praise our strength and courage.
for as long as i can remember, i've never had any dreams consisting of both the older and the younger twins.
last night, 'Irfan had brought me to this carpark rooftop that had a field at the top of it. taller buildings surround this carpark, and while we were there, the night sky had been engulfed with nothing but fog.
we sat at a corner of the field, taking in the darkness and mist, until one point when he stood up and suddenly disappeared from my sight.
so i sat there on my own, watching the buildings, the night sky, and the mist. along came not 'Irfan, but the younger twin. i watched him as he found a spot and laid on his back against the grass.
we stayed at our respective positions, the distance and silence as a line of separation. the only thing that united us was the fact that we were both staring at the same spot: the spot where 'Irfan was seen standing, on the rooftop of one of the tall buildings.
it was a beautiful sight. the older twin looked like he was floating amidst the clouds as he lingered there surrounded by the fog.
i went over to the younger twin and said to him, "can you see that? isn't that just beautiful?"
i dont remember any conversation taking place, but we remained in each other's presence, The Boy lying down next to me. the next thing i knew, he had his arm around me.
the younger twin and i laid in an embrace, and in the midst of the solace, along came 'Irfan, walking slowly towards us. neither the younger twin nor i made any movement, and as his brother passed, he gave me a half-smirk that lasted for just a moment.
a very good morning to you all my Axes. someone landed on my bloggie because he or she had been googling "khairul pasir ris" for some reason. i just love this stats thing.
you know your excitement when you're blowing and blowing a piece of rubber and it slowly expands to become a balloon?
yeah, so you continue blowing until it becomes really big, and yet you still want it to continue growing, and you give all your breath away, til the balloon grows too big and bursts instead.
what do you have in the end? pieces of what you had initially, despite the hard work.
and pencils. when they're blunt, they can still be used, but you want to sharpen them for better quality. you sharpen and sharpen and sharpen away, til it's as sharp as a needle. looks beautiful, indeed.
but what's the point? once you put it to paper, it breaks.
so what is the lesson learnt? is it to not be too greedy? maybe.
and learn to be appreciative. just imagine if you don't have something, even though you don't like it right now. everyone's complaining about the heat today, and someone tweeted about shooting down the sun. is that really better?
just imagine the world, the universe, without the sun. that's just horrible! no warmth, no light, no solar energy or whatever it's called.
o well. i guess metaphorical blindness is just a common human trait.
i'm here now! what's happened the past week you ask? many many strange and bizzare things.... some sad, some exciting, some WTF-ish, some WOAH-ish, and some just plain blissful.
*silence* you know, actually a lot of funny things had happened, and i was so excited to share with you guys. but now here we are and my mind is a blank.
yeah, still blank. o well. i'm here and that's all that matters right?
been going on a lot of milk tea solitary escapades to write, have got a new notebook as my diary now. "Better Late Than Never" . heheh.
i've nothing to share with ya. hmmm. on wednesday, had met up with maya cousie. i really hate the Hugo room at tamp lib, the silence is so damn contrasting to my squeaky Nikes. the way Maya stared at my nikes was so damn stupid, i immediately broke into snickers despite being a few feet away from her.
pretty embarrassing. i couldnt stop giggling sia, maya might have been more embarrassed than i was.
my language is all over the place right now. am so tired. i have got a book due today, but i dont feel like gg out. meeting a someboday tmrw, but if i were to return the book tmrw, there'd be a fine. get it? get my dilemma?
am pretty tired right now, for some reason. dont feel like blogging in perfect english.
best thing that's happened to me this week: meeting with a brave boy. it's all in my diary, it was the most beautiful thing i've ever experienced all my life.
and, i have a heavier grudge against irshad noorhalim now. it's not hate... it's a grudge. i'm just condemned against him.
heidiho my axes. missed me? if you miss me raise your hands up high. woah i see hands being raised all the way to Brazil. anyway, where have i been you ask? been mia for a week now, havent i?
been happy, been a blissful little girl. been studying really hard, i'm a steel-shelled snail now. really, i am.
shall one day update ya on the crazy things that'd happened this past week. am currently at Tamp lib with my cousie, and my hoodie stinks real bad. had gotten myself caught in the rain on monday, cause i stubbornly wanted to stay out watching the bridge over the canal at Sungei Api Api.
i've no idea why i was doing that actually.
so. shall update at random times these few days, but i cant guarantee you that i'd be here every single day. i will be back. dont worry about me, i've improved my emotional stability, and i'm starting to eat my meds on my own accord.
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth. mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs.
heidiho my axes, i am still a blissful little girl right now. had went to my favourite neighbourhood for another solitary escapade, where i wrote about what made me so happy.
i didnt want to buy milk tea, but when i was looking at the menu nothing else really interested me, and the cashier was already like, "hello, milk tea without pearls?" which is what i always ordered there, so i just nodded blindly.
defeated, i took a seat and began writing about what happened that made me so damn happy.
i wrote solidly for 2 hours straight, 15 pages in total. i was really damn happy okay! read it back a few minutes ago, and i must admit. i truly am of literature calibre. chey, kay.
i'm so happy that i could cry.
o btw.
BOOHOO!
i've completed Brave Story. i'm done. it's done. *sniff sniff sob sob* and now i miss the game even more. well, at least i'd survived the book. took me a week, but yeah, i did it.
and, i am still a blissful little girl. that douchebag can rot at the back of my brain for all i care. the ghosts can linger all they want, they ain't got no effect on me no more, and i'm sure they'd eventually fade and be gone.
right.
*pushes red glasses up*
i am doing Maths now, on my own accord. it may be nothing to you guys, but i am very very proud of myself right now.
i, Nur E'indah Nadhirah Bte Md E'esa, am a blissful little girl right now.
i'm happy, for a very cheem reason. really. truly, truly happy. i might have gotten jilted but i've still never been this happy for so long already. in fact, i'm so happy right now that i'm going to cry.
am going on a solitary escapade now, and guess what? i ain't gonna
drink milk tea, because doctor says not to. since when am i so obedient,
you ask? heheh, that's what imma be writing into my diary about.
shall get back to you by tonight.
p.s i am done with Brave Story! movie version here i come. *sob* i hafta return the book now. goodbye book. *sniff sniff sob sob*
but i am still a blissful little girl right now. heheh.
i love this stats thing, it allows me to stalk bloggie's stalkers. apparently some naked mole rat had been searching 109blackaxes for any traces of his name. interesting.
this morning i woke up with 11:11 flashing in my face. according to young girls' beliefs, seeing 11:11 randomly means that someone misses you.
here i am now, sitting at the dining table with my comp while my mom sits there with the newspaper. i've got a cuppa lukewarm milk tea by my side as i'm typing away, my wrist threatening to knock it off each time my finger flies to the backspace key.
it is a normal Sunday morning after all.
unfortunately i'm still unable to remember last night's dream (or more like this morning's since i only fell asleep at 4am) but o well, there's a high chance that it'll all slowly come back to me by this afternoon.
so what else have we got to talk about right now?
heh. this song. i remember it! i've forgotten how i got to know it though.
so i watched the Taiwanese live adaptation of Absolute Boyfriend, and i must say, i'm truly disappointed with the way they portray Riiko. and the whole setting had been changed, it's not fun when they ain't in high school anymore. bah.
the thing that silences me the most is the actor they chose to play Night. when i saw the dude from fahrenheit i'm like What the hell! of all people?
i am left with less than a hundred pages of Brave Story, which i'm excited to get over and done with so i can get started on a new book tomorrow. but really, it still saddens me to even think about completing the book. o well. all good things must indeed come to an end.
well that sucks, but i must say, i think emotionally i'm kind of improving. as for physically, far from it. couldnt manage to eat much this morning because after one bite, i already had the tummy ache going. must have been the milk tea.
i know i know, the doctor had told me to avoid milk, but i still stubbornly drank milk tea, like, almost every day since the trip to the doc. i can't help it, it's like a way to drown my sorrows.
i have got an appointment today. good.
i think i'm going to watch some movies from my childhood now.
personally, i think the only thing in life that we're waiting for is death. after all, it's the only thing that we're sure will come. we don't think about it but it's irrevocable. our parents don't say it but they know it from the day we were born.
truly, in our life we only await that one thing. in the meantime, we do all that humans are apparently supposed to, such as breathe, eat, laugh, cry, fall sick, fall in love, fall.
these emotions are just games to occupy ourselves while waiting for death to take us. our bodies are truly nothing but shells, borrowed for our soul to take residence in during this lifetime.
so really, appearances doesnt matter shit as long as you still have your soul. after all, your body's just a loan. there's no requirement for compatibility or whatever not.
just because you're sadist doesn't mean you have to scowl and wear black all the time. just because you're a sweet person doesn't mean you gotta wear pink and flowers in your hair. why, what's wrong with sadists wearing neon skirts?
oookkkay, this bitch here being a sadist now. Sheep! where are you? *sticks smiley face sticker on forehead*
i'm left with less than a hundred pages of Brave Story! had spent my afternoon at Tamp lib reading. i saw this adorable Malay guy who looked so damn engrossed in his graphic novel. i can't help feeling attracted to him because of the fact that he's on his own at the library.
i've no idea how long i'd spent at the library reading and eventually writing, before making my way to Tamp 1's Urban Write to look at all the beautiful notebooks. got myself milk tea after that, sat by the benches and sipped while writing some more.
some eons later met with Nazriq and then mom, ate Qi Ji, good old rice. fortunately i had been able to finish my food without any problems in my tummy.
gallivanted off on my own when we went to the pasar malam, and i found one of the stalls selling notebooks! of course, hadn't bought any although they were like super cheap. ooohhhhh how i love stationery.
so that's how my Saturday had went. i'd kept thinking it's Sunday today, but nope! we still have got one more day of the weekend tomorrow don't we?
what's my plans for tomorrow you ask? hopefully both 'Irfan noorhalim and i would be free to meet up. admittedly i have been looking forward to talking with him, cause it's been eons. i wouldn't want my past with The Boy to be a barrier from my friendship with the older twin.
back in those days, back in 2009, the older twin had been the one who reached out to me first, physically and metaphorically. but really, i've never felt any kind of feelings for him before, no attraction, no hate.
this is bad, isn't it? o well.
after Brave Story, i've got 5 more books to speed-read. first 2 are Steel Trapp and The Silence of Murder, which due date is the day after Brave Story's. after that we have got The Boy Who Could Fly, followed by The Long Wait For Tomorrow and finally The Stastistical Probability of Love at First Sight.
excited to read all those books, but saddened by the fact that i have to be done with Brave Story first.
i'm so sad right now, and it's not because of The Boy.
i just realised, it's been awhile since i wrote smileys in my diary and bloggie.
somehow, i'm counting on that someone to pull me out of this despair. someone who isn't The Boy.
but i dont remember anything about it, maybe thats why it's strange. because i felt like i've been on the most topsy turvy roller coaster in the whole world a million times.
so anyway, how are you my axes? sorry if i havent been blogging a lot as of late. i've been out writing in my notebook diary, because i really can't wait to complete it.
and not only that, i'm also ultra preoccupied with none other than Brave Story.
its due date is on wednesday, and then after that i've still gotta speed read 2 more books which is due the day after. unfortunately i seem to be taking my time with Brave Story on purpose because i really can't bear to finish reading about Wataru's adventures.
i'm metaphorically blind. really, all i see is The Boy returning. too blinded to notice that i'm drowning in too deep, and i dont see the hands reaching out to me.
when i do feel these hands, though, all i do is push them away. eventually, when i keep struggling, i'll realise that i do need the help to be pulled back to the surface.
*silence* actually, to summarize this shit, i'm being stubborn.
of course, nobody apart from my grandma can pierce through this stubbornness of mine. as The Boy used to call me back in 2010, a Stubborn Ox.
i just went to elias mac today. hadnt felt too well to go further than that. spent the time writing til my bro finished his tuition, bought myself some smiley face stickers.
there is yet another mysterious grumbling in my tummy. mommy's cooked nasi lemak but i'm waiting for her to come home before i eat. if i have the appetite, that is.
you know, i feel kind of sad if i were to be done with Brave Story. after all, i've followed Wataru so far, across his life and Vision, that i feel kind of sad just thinking about dropping the book back at the library.
but its due date is in a few days.
maybe meeting with 'Irfan noorhalim the day after tomorrow. once again, when i was at mac, i wrote a lot about him. hmm. am i missing something?
i cannot wait to complete the notebook i'm currently writing in, although i just started on it. the reason is simple, that very notebook already has memories on its own when it was just blank.
i missed speech day.
you know. i'm metaphorically blind, aren't i?
jumping from one lily pad to another.
let's make that move.
*edit codes*
are they moving?
anyway. i see Haikal dood posting many statuses about moving on. for examples:
If you're going to be stuck in the past, there's no way you're gonna handle the future.
Forget your ex, just find the next.
Hai,
going back to your ex won't make you happier. The part that I said
accepting for who you are? I was wrong. You need to change.
the last one had been directed at me as proven by the comment he left at his own status, which's my very own Fb name. and, we have yet to do our videography stuff, me helping him with his covers and him helping me with my MV.
i have a new friend! he's called Sheep. i bought many copies of him, and he's gonna be everywhere in my life, constantly smiling at me especially when i am being sadist.
just look at the bastard, smiling like he has all the happiness in the world. don't you love him already?
and yes, he's called Sheep.
no, there's no cheem reason for that. he's just called Sheep because when i was thinking of a name for him, i was staring at my sheep bookmark.
