13. Lavender haze (2019)

(the playlist)

The first part of my new life already started 2018, with a new romance. At that point I was content with the still waters, the same routine of bus 21 and a dead mall on tanjong katong road. 

It was a job that kept me as happy as occupied, maybe from the familiarity. I was enjoying the mix of customer service and putting racks and shelves in order, even in the departments that weren't mine. I thought it was exactly where I was supposed to be.

But the year I was turning 24, things began to change. I'm not sure if it was my outlet's closing down that finally opened my eyes. I'd like to think it was my own indifference that led to its downfall, when I, the one person running things, finally stopped caring. 

I'd applied to my current workplace somewhere in February 2019, and four interviews and less than a month later I got it. I was a little bit proud to be told the position I'd applied for was only for minimum diploma holders, but that they valued my experience. 

People like me would usually be under scrutiny for our lack of education, but I really felt appreciated when mine was glossed over. Also when comparing bookstores, the company I was from is completely different, vibes and clientele. Alot more heartland and rugged. I was pretty sure of already being defined by these things.

I finally tendered somewhere in March, a few days after my grandfather's passing. My outlet was already having its closing sales, and I spent my fourth anniversary of the job overnight, packing products away to be given chances in other branches. 

It was surreal looking at the racks and years of effort stripped down like nothing. The glass windows were burning red from the company poster that stuck on the outside. The length of the entrance was already boarded up, and it was bittersweet seeing the inverted logo and name hanging lonely.

I still had a week left, so they assigned me temporarily in bedok. It did leave a bitter taste in my mouth, to know that I wouldn't 'finally be appreciated' because the colleagues at my old branch didn't have to work in my absence. After four years working so hard and being in love, I didn't even get the mandatory call from hr asking why I was leaving. 

I told myself from the start of my new job not to get too attached, not to get too close and to guard the old me. To stay in my own department and never see my new colleagues as family. I wanted to stay in the lavender haze of my meagre pay and humble position, no matter what people say, and never leave the bubble of the newness. I'd learned from the last time.