Thinking ahead

Wow I haven't been blogging much. Wow I haven't been doing anything else other than staring at my school books and thinking about my studies.

I don't see a point in studying for my final exams, because I already sort of know my fate. I already know I am going to fail all of them, and definitely am gonna be dismissed while I'm at it.

I have no problems with that, though after 3 of my very good friends withdrew from school, I'd told myself I will keep going until I graduate in their honour. Seeing how I've been doing, that seems quite the joke now.

I studied like hell for my programming final exam though, but deep inside I knew the actual paper would be a million times harder. That's what this shit school does, make you do all these revision papers, make you confident you can do it when you're able to get your answers correct, and then make the exam paper worlds apart from all that practice.

I got so angry when I saw the paper, and though I did try my best, it was as good as giving up. And with my next final paper being Engineering Maths, I know I can't do it. (this part was written on Monday. It's Wednesday now and yep, I screwed up yesterday's paper, though I never left any blanks...)

You can't sugarcoat life for me, and the truth sucks but I have to deal with it. I can't keep telling myself or accepting other people's words of "You can do it lah, you won't be dismissed lah, just try" because only I know what I've done.

I have thoughts of taking private O's, to retake my Humanities and Maths and then try to get into another course that I'd do better in. I can't take all this calculations anymore. Throw me into a course with reports due every week or something, I don't care. I'd do it more willingly than face all these numbers!

I know what I'd do if I get dismissed again, but I'm not sure how to let my mom know. She doesn't seem to want to believe it'll ever happen, and I also can't stand to think of what my aunt and grandmother would say. I hate adults and their logic, they'll think I want to STOP studying if I say that I just want to CHANGE direction. Ugh the pressure.

Well I guess I'd just try. What else can I do? Sometimes I wish I could go back to Year 1 anytime I want just so I could do all the same shit again and again until I pass, and then go on to the next semester and do the same.

Then again, as much as I wish I could go back, I'd rather just speed up everything right now and just get it all over and done with, fast forward the school stuff and let time go back to normal when I'm 23 or something.

I sound stupid ridiculous but whatever, I'm done with engineering, I'm done with school. Definitely not done with life though, still very much in love with taking buses and riding MRTs and bathing in the sun and laughing and crying, you name it.

Oh and also, you shouldn't stereotype or whatever it's called... Just because I'm in poly doesn't mean I'm smart, and just because I'm in poly doesn't mean I'm doing really well in school, blah blah blah. Now I know how it feels like to be pressured, but for all the different ways than other students. I HATE IT.