Time to make it, or break it.

hi.

i am writing this in the darkness of the living room. it's in the middle of the afternoon, but i've turned the lights off, closed the windows and shut the door, with only the computer screen being a light source. i am alone.

what i am about to say may scare you, or it may get you worried about me. or both, if you are really guilty of this pain. but i know i am not alone, and i am very grateful for your existence (':

so what the hell am i babbling about, you ask? well, i can't put it in a lighter way than... although i sit here breathing, alive; i am as good as dead. i may as well kill myself now because there wouldnt be a difference.

the problem this time is not family, not money, not with the prince, not society. but it is none other than my beloved studies (':

i've wasted my first few weeks of lessons. i should have paid attention. yes, it is a regret. because only recently i'd started to pay attention and i realised that all this engineering shit is pretty easy. just that i should've started earlier, then i wouldnt be caught up with the previous topics right now.

i'm not sure why i really detest doing tasks assigned to me. i've not touched a single online assignment and i've only recently handed in a few tutorials. i was actually the last in class but after these tutorials i moved up one spot. i'm not sure if i should laugh or continue crying.

i gave up on one of the practical modules a long time ago. why? because i didnt feel like doing that shit. it was pretty stupid of me, but nevermind, because i have obviously failed it already.

it didnt help that i always lied to the prince on Tuesdays, telling him i end at 2 when i had this module's lessons from 2-5pm. now you know i lied, so, i'm sorry.

even the prince is doing well in his studies. he's always making time for me, and he's always coming home late and having to wake up early the next day because of his residence. but still, he's been chosen to go to Bali because of his good results. how the hell does he do it? i will never know.

a part of me is still very unhappy being here, but i did realise that i had to keep going if i want to get to my desired destination. just because you're not where you wanted to be right now doesnt mean you wont reach there right?

stupid metaphor here, but you can't board from Pasir Ris, wanting to get to Buona Vista, only to alight at Redhill because it was taking a long time and you thought you were not on the right track to where you want to go. am i making sense?

i'm just trying to get this into my head. i'm not happy in Engineering, and definitely not in a class where i had screwed up my social life. but if i don't do something about it, i'll still be stuck here forever right? i have to keep moving.

i've been doing my best, only started doing so just recently, but we all know i've already screwed up anyway. with a few days left to final exams, what can i do? i've lost most of my grades to my undone assignments and projects.

i dont mind repeating my modules because yes, i have learnt my lesson that i should have started way before. but, i dont know. i dont understand the concept of my school yet but i dont think it's good that i'd have to repeat a number of modules right? *sheepish grin*

it's the study break this week. i'm making my way to school every single day to do my own shit, just, doing my best. i'm not sure how i'd fare at the end of the road; i may disappoint some people, and please those who are happy with my downfalls, but at least i know i did my best.

it's make it, or break it. and i sure as hell really want to make it.

this is not the first time i'm drowning in my studying problems. i never seem to learn, huh.