Cousins

I don't remember the first time we talked,
the first time we laughed,
or even the first time we met.

We've just always been together.

I don't remember when we stopped being awkward or if we ever were,
when we started to look for each other immediately after we arrive,
when we became so comfortable with each other.

We've always been best friends.

You and the rest,
how I loved spending time with all of you,
being moody when it's time to go home,
imagining my action figures were all of you on the days we didn't meet.

The older ones would bring us to the void deck,
lit sparklers for us which we pretended were big fireworks.
The period when heelys were the trend,
all of us had our own pair and there we went,
zipping all over the place in our wheeled sneakers.

At least one of us would always have a deck of Uno cards,
and Stress was our favourite game,
how proud I'd been to be beating everyone at it.

I had so much stamina as a kid, running here and there,
trying to escape from the 'catcher'
or hiding from the seeker.

I was always talking non-stop, my mouth going on like a rocket,
all of us bouncing with chatter and laughter,
our gathered voices all around the house until the adults scolded us.

Sleepovers were of no exception.
I wasn't so independent as a kid and I didn't like to be far from my parents,
but I always wanted to stay over your house when invited.

Your neighbour from the 6th floor which you always gossiped about,
the pineapple playground which was your then crush's favourite spot,
making you stay awake to conjure up stories for me,
I remember them and more.

Being with all of you,
family gatherings like such,
were what gave me life back then.

But then,
like what everyone does eventually,

you all

grew

up.

Everyone was becoming more vain and self-conscious,
constant worrying about their hair, not wanting to wear baju kurungs anymore.
We'd go down not to play with sparklers anymore,
but to buy cup noodles, blast rap songs, smoke cigarettes.

I was slower than all of you.
I didn't care about being forced to wear baju kurungs,
while all of you showed up in jeans and shirts,
even you, my only girl cousin.

I became shy, not interacting much with adults or the younger kids,
much less all of you.
Everyone was singing the same songs,
talking about the same things,
remembering the same inside jokes,

except me.

I was probably the only one
who didn't know what all of you were talking about or singing.

I was gone for 2 years, vanished from all family gatherings,
and I come back as if I've survived a kidnapping and have had my tongue cut.

Now, on the few times I see you,
you would greet my parents and kiss their hands in respective greeting,
I would look at you, hoping you'd notice me,
because I want to smile at you and wave,
despite the fact we don't talk anymore.

You'd greet them, and walk away.
You don't even make eye contact with me anymore.

I'd sit on my own or with my own family,
while all of you are gathered together and still interacting with one another.
I'm glad you're all still talking, even though I'm not part of it,
and I wish not to be,

because cousins or not,
I think it's a fact that I don't fit in,
and that I have my own place to go.