This other day, I was at Clementi Mall with 'Aamir, when he asked me if I would buy him cookies. He's liked these certain cookies since forever, but they're a little on the pricey side. I told him I couldn't buy those for him because they were expensive, and he immediately said it's okay, with this sad look on his face.
I felt bad after that, and I said okay I'll buy them for you, with sincerity yet with pain in the heart thinking of the money I'd have to spend. Ever get that feeling before? When you really don't mind, yet it hurts you to do it, because of a certain personal problem?
This may seem unrelated, and totally off from the above; but this whole thing with 'Aamir and his cookies reminded me of my mother. The way she'd happily buy me things even though she didn't have enough for herself, the way my happiness came before her financial difficulties.
I still remember how I'd always throw a tantrum when she wouldn't buy me a book [Mary-Kate and Ashley books that were probably only S$6.95 back then], until she had to give in. I'd feel happy, yet I'd feel bad, deep inside. Maybe she was also happy to buy what I want, yet reluctant because of the fact that she'd spent her money on something unnecessary.
Even when I'm happy here to be with my grandma and the cats, sometimes this part of me wants to go back to the house in Pasir Ris, and be okay with my parents and brothers again.
If you can't relate, then to make it easier I guess it's like when you have lots of money and you buy so many clothes on impulse, and then when you think about it, you're like, I'm happy with my stuff but all that money... And also like how you'd feel when you break up with someone; It's better this way, but now I don't have a special someone anymore. No?
I can't explain this tug-of-war feeling between your happiness in achieving something, and the reluctance of the sacrifice you had made to get it.
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