Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
So familiar to me, even though it was your workplace and not mine. You dreaded this station every morning, even though the traffic jams on the causeway always helped you avoid the peak hours.
After your POP, 2016 became the year of still waters, when nobody departed, nobody was left shaken and struggling to heal. I had my books to pull me through, a different one every two days; I read on the train for these fifteen stations, only pausing when I had to walk to Police Cantonment Complex.
I already knew the time you would usually leave, and I even knew that you would take your own sweet time walking down, talking to your colleagues. But I didn't mind. In fact, I deliberately started leaving earlier just so I had more time to read.
Even if we had a fight earlier, or if we hadn't spoken for hours, the moment an off day rolled around, your workplace remained a habit. Maybe it was just another place to run to, resembling my intuition to hop on a bus to Bishan everytime. But I would faithfully wait on those chairs at the lobby, waiting for your familiar figure to sit next to me.
But with this loyalty came our biggest enemy: insecurity. With every day you finally sat beside me after an hour of waiting, you rushed me, so your friends wouldn't catch up. Malu lah, you said, which I was too, of course. At least, it wasn't great enough to take control of me.
Somewhere along the way my shyness turned into a grudge. You left again, taking them with you, the tallest guy and the one who regularly comes to my store and the one who drives you to Johor, and anyone else who had seen me. You talked about me, telling them the monstrous side of me that made you leave.
She has feelings for my best friend, I can imagine you say. Me and my overworking brain, conjuring up words that they never said, just like I imagined with your secondary school and ITE friends.
They were the ones mostly there for you during the whole season, from the relationship to the break-up and from your desperation to get me back to our last attempt at reconciliation. They were the ones who warned you against me, who said you were blind for being with me, who said you were the good-looking one.
Their words, be they the ones they actually spoke or the ones I made up; they contributed to my insecurity, making me believe I wasn't good enough for you. To my grudge, making me wish you wouldn't go out with them where they would huddle around you and shut me out of your circle.
They were just a handful of the people who pulled you away from me.
When you left last year, you blocked me on social media and my number. You escaped seeing the desperate texts I'd sent you, though I thought you were just ignoring them. Three months later in a hotel room, you read them back from my phone, seeing just how pathetic I'd been.
I'll fetch you next week. Please. Don't leave. I'm sorry. I'll die without you.
You were almost in tears, you apologised again, and you said You should have just come. It would have made a difference if I saw your face.
For that one time, I was disloyal to my routine. I instead gallivanted to the west and passed by Outram Park with pride, pretending you had boarded and was looking at me with disdain. I was long gone with my ego while you were long gone with the boys of Cantonment.
Friday, May 18, 2018
Thursday, May 17, 2018
EW15
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
Here we are. The mid-point.
It's hard going back to places we used to frequent every time you left. In 2014, Jurong East was scary, and I avoided it until one of the more 'mature' Heroine guys convinced me it was nothing, just by being a friend.
Even my school wasn't easy to walk around, with the ghosts of you coming to visit. And that was just a year's worth of memories; imagine three years later, when you left again in 2017, how much harder it suddenly got to navigate my own usual places. My own workplace was your usual haunt, the bench you used to sit while waiting for me to end.
Last year, again, I had a friend to meet on the other end, forcing me to overcome this wariness. If you thought it was strange to love an MRT line, imagine having some sort of fear for it.
The first fourteen stations turned out to be nothing, even with the abundance of memories from the previous four years. No tears emerged, and I thought it would be fine. And then this station came, and I realised I was only halfway through and the next station was Outram Park; I spoke too soon.
I wanted so badly to turn back. At the same time I wanted to reach the end more than anything, to quickly meet my friend and forget about you.
That was me being caught between crying and hoping for you to come back, and running into the future where you'll be completely forgotten and gotten over.
But somehow, like the previous stations, I got through Tanjong Pagar just fine, and the next and the next and the next, until I finally woke up to hear this train service ends here. I got to the end, temporarily forgetting that I'll still go back to the beginning anyway.
Here we are. The mid-point.
It's hard going back to places we used to frequent every time you left. In 2014, Jurong East was scary, and I avoided it until one of the more 'mature' Heroine guys convinced me it was nothing, just by being a friend.
Even my school wasn't easy to walk around, with the ghosts of you coming to visit. And that was just a year's worth of memories; imagine three years later, when you left again in 2017, how much harder it suddenly got to navigate my own usual places. My own workplace was your usual haunt, the bench you used to sit while waiting for me to end.
Last year, again, I had a friend to meet on the other end, forcing me to overcome this wariness. If you thought it was strange to love an MRT line, imagine having some sort of fear for it.
The first fourteen stations turned out to be nothing, even with the abundance of memories from the previous four years. No tears emerged, and I thought it would be fine. And then this station came, and I realised I was only halfway through and the next station was Outram Park; I spoke too soon.
I wanted so badly to turn back. At the same time I wanted to reach the end more than anything, to quickly meet my friend and forget about you.
That was me being caught between crying and hoping for you to come back, and running into the future where you'll be completely forgotten and gotten over.
But somehow, like the previous stations, I got through Tanjong Pagar just fine, and the next and the next and the next, until I finally woke up to hear this train service ends here. I got to the end, temporarily forgetting that I'll still go back to the beginning anyway.
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
EW14/NS26
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
Like I said, for a while I tried to make a change in the relationship I had with the aspiring pilot. Despite both claiming to have a flair for writing, his intelligence was way different from mine. His humour was non-existent, taking things a little too literally sometimes.
It wasn't just the differences that set him apart for all the wrong reasons. It was his achievements that were more academic than philosophical. It was the way he talked as much as I did, never giving me a chance to voice my own words. It was the way he took everything seriously when I wanted things to be light, and vice versa.
The way we meandered through the peak hour crowds was another reason we didn't work out; the nervousness that remained, him walking so quickly that I couldn't keep up. I never lost him, because he stood at 1.8 metres, but he might as well have been another stranger in the sea of zombies. It wasn't like I could hold on to him the way I did with you.
That was us on our way to the pier, where we uncovered our contrasts. We sat amidst the peace, but he had the chance to smother it with his tales. He didn't learn much about me, as much as I wanted to tell; I learned about his rebellion and many academic achievements that came after, but the conversation revolved around just him.
For once, I was on the other end. I wanted to talk, but I couldn't keep up because he kept injecting his own stories. That must be how you felt the entire time with me, listening to my stories that aren't even funny.
Walking through the city in the dark, I struggled again to keep up. His legs went on forever, so effortlessly, while I was struggling to catch my breath.
We separated close to midnight, and the train ride back to the east was when I stalked your Twitter profile for the first time in weeks. It was then that I saw how smitten you were with somebody new, while there I was still comparing strangers to you. I hope to god I don't stoop that low this time, because I know I will regret with all my soul.
Raffles Place, where I skipped steps to keep up with an aspiring pilot; who knew it would be the parallel to months later, when I remained far below. Trying so hard to be on par with you in your SilkAir aeroplane.
Like I said, for a while I tried to make a change in the relationship I had with the aspiring pilot. Despite both claiming to have a flair for writing, his intelligence was way different from mine. His humour was non-existent, taking things a little too literally sometimes.
It wasn't just the differences that set him apart for all the wrong reasons. It was his achievements that were more academic than philosophical. It was the way he talked as much as I did, never giving me a chance to voice my own words. It was the way he took everything seriously when I wanted things to be light, and vice versa.
The way we meandered through the peak hour crowds was another reason we didn't work out; the nervousness that remained, him walking so quickly that I couldn't keep up. I never lost him, because he stood at 1.8 metres, but he might as well have been another stranger in the sea of zombies. It wasn't like I could hold on to him the way I did with you.
That was us on our way to the pier, where we uncovered our contrasts. We sat amidst the peace, but he had the chance to smother it with his tales. He didn't learn much about me, as much as I wanted to tell; I learned about his rebellion and many academic achievements that came after, but the conversation revolved around just him.
For once, I was on the other end. I wanted to talk, but I couldn't keep up because he kept injecting his own stories. That must be how you felt the entire time with me, listening to my stories that aren't even funny.
Walking through the city in the dark, I struggled again to keep up. His legs went on forever, so effortlessly, while I was struggling to catch my breath.
We separated close to midnight, and the train ride back to the east was when I stalked your Twitter profile for the first time in weeks. It was then that I saw how smitten you were with somebody new, while there I was still comparing strangers to you. I hope to god I don't stoop that low this time, because I know I will regret with all my soul.
Raffles Place, where I skipped steps to keep up with an aspiring pilot; who knew it would be the parallel to months later, when I remained far below. Trying so hard to be on par with you in your SilkAir aeroplane.
Tuesday, May 15, 2018
EW13/NS25
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
My semi-colon tattoo was made of our spontaneous decisions; mine was to walk to the tattoo parlour here, while yours was to spend your free movie tickets on yourself and your best friend. Remember when we yelled at each other back at Clementi? This is the argument that came to top that one, more ridiculous and unnecessary and waste of a life.
Take me back to the time when you told me over the phone, Let's go to the movies soon, I have some free tickets. Any movie. I said yes because movie dates were one of our favourite pastimes.
Take me back to when you texted me that you had used them. On Luqman, for Suicide Squad, a movie that he already watched beforehand and didn't even like. I still remember exactly which aisle at work I was standing in when I read that text.
If you had wanted to use them on your best friend, you shouldn't have offered them to me. I wouldn't have minded if you used them on him, period, if you didn't mention them to me first. You tried to argue, it's just movie tickets, they're just seven dollars. But you know it was never about the price. It was about the words that you gave.
You never understood, and I wish you did. Somehow, you never learn that the smallest things meant so much to me. But I also wish I never allowed my anger to take control. I wish it was me who said It's just movie tickets, instead of you.
You walked out to the lobby at Police Cantonment Complex without me there, when I would always be faithfully waiting. I was three stations away, getting a punctuation mark on the edge of my wrist, out of anger. Anger at you, for not understanding and for having him in your life; anger at myself, for my anger itself.
The view of you holding my wrist and looking at it burns in my mind, as everything else does. The way you flung my hand aside and snapped, Fifty dollars for this? I could have bought for you five movie tickets lah.
From my first tattoo, born out of my emotions, to the drinks you consumed out of trying to fit in with your cabin crew mates. Sometimes we alight here abruptly, when we suddenly decide to go Orchard, or Woodlands, jumping out just as the doors start to close. City Hall, the station of impromptu decisions, from tattoos to sudden outbursts of anger.
My semi-colon tattoo was made of our spontaneous decisions; mine was to walk to the tattoo parlour here, while yours was to spend your free movie tickets on yourself and your best friend. Remember when we yelled at each other back at Clementi? This is the argument that came to top that one, more ridiculous and unnecessary and waste of a life.
Take me back to the time when you told me over the phone, Let's go to the movies soon, I have some free tickets. Any movie. I said yes because movie dates were one of our favourite pastimes.
Take me back to when you texted me that you had used them. On Luqman, for Suicide Squad, a movie that he already watched beforehand and didn't even like. I still remember exactly which aisle at work I was standing in when I read that text.
If you had wanted to use them on your best friend, you shouldn't have offered them to me. I wouldn't have minded if you used them on him, period, if you didn't mention them to me first. You tried to argue, it's just movie tickets, they're just seven dollars. But you know it was never about the price. It was about the words that you gave.
You never understood, and I wish you did. Somehow, you never learn that the smallest things meant so much to me. But I also wish I never allowed my anger to take control. I wish it was me who said It's just movie tickets, instead of you.
You walked out to the lobby at Police Cantonment Complex without me there, when I would always be faithfully waiting. I was three stations away, getting a punctuation mark on the edge of my wrist, out of anger. Anger at you, for not understanding and for having him in your life; anger at myself, for my anger itself.
The view of you holding my wrist and looking at it burns in my mind, as everything else does. The way you flung my hand aside and snapped, Fifty dollars for this? I could have bought for you five movie tickets lah.
From my first tattoo, born out of my emotions, to the drinks you consumed out of trying to fit in with your cabin crew mates. Sometimes we alight here abruptly, when we suddenly decide to go Orchard, or Woodlands, jumping out just as the doors start to close. City Hall, the station of impromptu decisions, from tattoos to sudden outbursts of anger.
Monday, May 14, 2018
EW12/DT14
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
I can almost sense your dread while you open up this post.
I think it's your first time seeing my new tattoo, she said, somehow highlighting the triangle of feathers, roses and flames just by looking over her shoulder.
It makes you look so much hotter, he answered, mesmerised with her nakedness, her back completely bare the last time he saw it months ago.
You know everything that happened here; it was your second home once, when you had your internship at Ibis. You thought it would be the only way your life revolved around hotels. But it was where everything began, when we both did something stupid in a hotel with a stupid name. Where everything restarted three and a half years later, this time in a posh hotel room after only three days of meeting again.
We all know that I remember the smallest details. The rooms where we stayed in are all in my head, their layouts, the date, what you were wearing. What we did. The positions we fucked in. It's a curse and a gift, same with the way I remember my dreams so clearly.
Mayo Inn, with Cheers sandwiches and the hijabi at the reception that you were so afraid of being judged by. I had a shift at Ben and Jerry's that night, but I bailed on it. You watched streams on your phone while I read a disturbing manga on mine. I woke up to the song that goes So say Geronimo! Say, say Geronimo!, and you looked at me for a moment and said Why do you still look so pretty after just waking up?
Haising, with the big steps and long flight of stairs that blew me out even when our room was on the second storey. I remember the book I was reading, the clothes I was wearing. You watched Until Dawn on your laptop, and I looked away when Matt got hung on a hook. And here was where you suddenly got so strong, being able to go on so much longer than your seventeen-year-old self.
But my favourite was still Boss, with its wide lobby and pool that we didn't even swim in. It was another spontaneity, booked on the second day of our reunion. We wanted to drink and smoke and pretend we were other people.
Or maybe that was just me.
I wanted to be Chloe Price, with her black hoodie and cigarette between her lips. You just wanted to be you, a man that would be loved again by the woman he adored. The woman who was still listening to her playlist called 29/9, the birth date of his own best friend.
We were just going to drink, we swore, but the tequila tasted like shit on its own and we didn't get any coke. We just finished our big bag of Ruffles instead, kissing and making love in between. Don't you miss doing this? , you said, hovering above me and wondering what or who was on my mind.
You've said more than your fair share of things that haunt me. Strings of words that continue to sting me even until today, like I just don't love you anymore.
But that day, it was my tongue that broke you, when it slipped into your mouth, when it slid down and around your manhood, when it said I feel like I'm cheating on him.
You asked what was about to happen afterwards? I took it literally on purpose, trying to avoid answering. I didn't believe you yet, still with the wariness of another departure. Now I wish I didn't have the ego that fed on the tears you cried for me, and the words you said, lying down next to me: I don't want to lose you again.
We wanted to get drunk that day, but what we got was intoxication by your hope, my pride, and the relationship that was long gone in all the hotels of Bugis.
I can almost sense your dread while you open up this post.
I think it's your first time seeing my new tattoo, she said, somehow highlighting the triangle of feathers, roses and flames just by looking over her shoulder.
It makes you look so much hotter, he answered, mesmerised with her nakedness, her back completely bare the last time he saw it months ago.
You know everything that happened here; it was your second home once, when you had your internship at Ibis. You thought it would be the only way your life revolved around hotels. But it was where everything began, when we both did something stupid in a hotel with a stupid name. Where everything restarted three and a half years later, this time in a posh hotel room after only three days of meeting again.
We all know that I remember the smallest details. The rooms where we stayed in are all in my head, their layouts, the date, what you were wearing. What we did. The positions we fucked in. It's a curse and a gift, same with the way I remember my dreams so clearly.
Mayo Inn, with Cheers sandwiches and the hijabi at the reception that you were so afraid of being judged by. I had a shift at Ben and Jerry's that night, but I bailed on it. You watched streams on your phone while I read a disturbing manga on mine. I woke up to the song that goes So say Geronimo! Say, say Geronimo!, and you looked at me for a moment and said Why do you still look so pretty after just waking up?
Haising, with the big steps and long flight of stairs that blew me out even when our room was on the second storey. I remember the book I was reading, the clothes I was wearing. You watched Until Dawn on your laptop, and I looked away when Matt got hung on a hook. And here was where you suddenly got so strong, being able to go on so much longer than your seventeen-year-old self.
But my favourite was still Boss, with its wide lobby and pool that we didn't even swim in. It was another spontaneity, booked on the second day of our reunion. We wanted to drink and smoke and pretend we were other people.
Or maybe that was just me.
I wanted to be Chloe Price, with her black hoodie and cigarette between her lips. You just wanted to be you, a man that would be loved again by the woman he adored. The woman who was still listening to her playlist called 29/9, the birth date of his own best friend.
We were just going to drink, we swore, but the tequila tasted like shit on its own and we didn't get any coke. We just finished our big bag of Ruffles instead, kissing and making love in between. Don't you miss doing this? , you said, hovering above me and wondering what or who was on my mind.
You've said more than your fair share of things that haunt me. Strings of words that continue to sting me even until today, like I just don't love you anymore.
But that day, it was my tongue that broke you, when it slipped into your mouth, when it slid down and around your manhood, when it said I feel like I'm cheating on him.
You asked what was about to happen afterwards? I took it literally on purpose, trying to avoid answering. I didn't believe you yet, still with the wariness of another departure. Now I wish I didn't have the ego that fed on the tears you cried for me, and the words you said, lying down next to me: I don't want to lose you again.
We wanted to get drunk that day, but what we got was intoxication by your hope, my pride, and the relationship that was long gone in all the hotels of Bugis.
Sunday, May 13, 2018
EW11
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
We all came from different walks of life; secondary schools on opposite ends of the island, perfect and broken families and hearts. We speak different languages first, some with a try-hard accent and others punctuating their sentences with lahs and sias.
But if there's one thing we have in common, it's our passports. The second greatest in the world, or so they say. With a Singaporean passport bearing our photograph and name, the world is supposedly ours to conquer.
For now, stay zoomed in on me, the insignificant girl from the extreme east of Singapore, who fell in love with a boy across the border.
When we first started dating our differences were already clear: he was a kampung boy whose mother still bought clothes for, while I was just some spoiled girl who couldn't do her own laundry.
The minute your mother knew I was from Singapore she secretly judged me, putting me into the same bag as all these shallow city girls. Despite wearing long sleeves and jeans every single day, she took a dislike to me, rendering me useless and incapable because I am missing one piece of cloth.
Fetching and sending you to Woodlands was probably the best thing that came from you living in Johor. One of our last arguments may have revolved around you being late for five minutes, but waiting hours for you in the day wasn't always trouble. It made me feel like home, from the library to that gap between the tracks.
In five years, I've followed you to the ICA a couple of times already. Also, collecting your ITE uniform in a building by the more secluded route, just to prove that no memory escapes me. We sat on the stairs while you made some calls, and you leaned in to kiss me. Remember? No, of course not.
Back to ICA, where we ate cheap sandwiches on the floor. Months later when you lost your wallet again, and we ate supermarket croissants because I was so broke. 2016, when your passport expired and I spent the morning with you waiting for your number to be called, only to send you back to Outram Park at 2. That was when I first discovered my favourite band, and made you listen to their newest album.
Hari Raya Haji, 2017; you almost forgot when I sent you to Golden Mile Complex with Burger King in our backpacks. We waited an hour for the bus, sitting on ledges where we could swing our legs and stare at everyone rushing about while we ate our burgers.
You nearly missed your bus actually, and we ran to the other side where it was parked and nearly full of other passengers. You boarded, Malacca-bound, and I waved at you sadly from the window, the bridge, the food market where you took a picture of me from the bus and I was just a black figure.
Between a girl who hated travelling and a boy whose passport very quickly ran out of pages, the border became more than a line that divided us. I wish your mother was less judgemental, or you never lived outside Singapore, or I never grew up sheltered. I wished we never had to separate at bus terminals anymore; I got my wish a few months later, but even that turned against us.
Either way, Lavender was just another division, with its ICA building that you had to frequent. We both had our own bubbles, you being your home in Malaysia, and mine being the entire country. Just the simple fact of where we grew up and the spots where we always said goodbye could so easily tear us down.
We all came from different walks of life; secondary schools on opposite ends of the island, perfect and broken families and hearts. We speak different languages first, some with a try-hard accent and others punctuating their sentences with lahs and sias.
But if there's one thing we have in common, it's our passports. The second greatest in the world, or so they say. With a Singaporean passport bearing our photograph and name, the world is supposedly ours to conquer.
For now, stay zoomed in on me, the insignificant girl from the extreme east of Singapore, who fell in love with a boy across the border.
When we first started dating our differences were already clear: he was a kampung boy whose mother still bought clothes for, while I was just some spoiled girl who couldn't do her own laundry.
The minute your mother knew I was from Singapore she secretly judged me, putting me into the same bag as all these shallow city girls. Despite wearing long sleeves and jeans every single day, she took a dislike to me, rendering me useless and incapable because I am missing one piece of cloth.
Fetching and sending you to Woodlands was probably the best thing that came from you living in Johor. One of our last arguments may have revolved around you being late for five minutes, but waiting hours for you in the day wasn't always trouble. It made me feel like home, from the library to that gap between the tracks.
In five years, I've followed you to the ICA a couple of times already. Also, collecting your ITE uniform in a building by the more secluded route, just to prove that no memory escapes me. We sat on the stairs while you made some calls, and you leaned in to kiss me. Remember? No, of course not.
Back to ICA, where we ate cheap sandwiches on the floor. Months later when you lost your wallet again, and we ate supermarket croissants because I was so broke. 2016, when your passport expired and I spent the morning with you waiting for your number to be called, only to send you back to Outram Park at 2. That was when I first discovered my favourite band, and made you listen to their newest album.
Hari Raya Haji, 2017; you almost forgot when I sent you to Golden Mile Complex with Burger King in our backpacks. We waited an hour for the bus, sitting on ledges where we could swing our legs and stare at everyone rushing about while we ate our burgers.
You nearly missed your bus actually, and we ran to the other side where it was parked and nearly full of other passengers. You boarded, Malacca-bound, and I waved at you sadly from the window, the bridge, the food market where you took a picture of me from the bus and I was just a black figure.
Between a girl who hated travelling and a boy whose passport very quickly ran out of pages, the border became more than a line that divided us. I wish your mother was less judgemental, or you never lived outside Singapore, or I never grew up sheltered. I wished we never had to separate at bus terminals anymore; I got my wish a few months later, but even that turned against us.
Either way, Lavender was just another division, with its ICA building that you had to frequent. We both had our own bubbles, you being your home in Malaysia, and mine being the entire country. Just the simple fact of where we grew up and the spots where we always said goodbye could so easily tear us down.
Saturday, May 12, 2018
EW10
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
She used to be someone cool, 'edgy' or so they called it, with her band wristbands and piercings and photos with her guitars. But more and more girls like her started popping out, and all the things about her that used to stand out just became stereotypes.
Heroine was just a song from one of her favourite bands. For some reason, people were creating these WhatsApp groups, where a mutual would add in your numbers and you'd make friends with her friends. This group was my second, but they became more important to me when we all met for the first time.
Conversations that revolved around the dumbest things made me giggle to myself in the school library. Imagine the chaos when we interacted in real life, on a rooftop beside this MRT station. I was only beginning to like trains then, and someone picked here out because there was an overhead view of them.
As usual, I remember what I was wearing. A bright yellow tee tucked into high-waisted pants that I took forever to find, with a black and white striped cardigan over. I just returned from a trip to Bugis with one of the girls from secondary school, where I bought The Walking Dead books.
One of them from Heroine said I was different, with my love for books and trains, with my fascination of Pokemon. He was 22 then, an age that I am now on the way of passing. Time flew with these newfound friends, helping me heal from a bad break-up. The pictures we took, the drinks we downed, the things we laughed about.
This was the time when the flame, the wind and the rose didn't exist. The 22-year-old was the only one who understood the concept of Types. It was somewhere along the way that those Types turned into the metaphors I have today. Even though we have both, finally, grown out of the world of pocket monsters.
2014, the year of unexpected friendships that existed and stopped just as suddenly. 2014, the year you left and came whenever you felt like, without a care for whatever I wanted. Just a gust against my collar when I alighted the train, just the wind that made a mess of my hair as I looked over the railings of the rooftop, staring down at the trains leaving Kallang.
As usual, I remember what I was wearing. A bright yellow tee tucked into high-waisted pants that I took forever to find, with a black and white striped cardigan over. I just returned from a trip to Bugis with one of the girls from secondary school, where I bought The Walking Dead books.
One of them from Heroine said I was different, with my love for books and trains, with my fascination of Pokemon. He was 22 then, an age that I am now on the way of passing. Time flew with these newfound friends, helping me heal from a bad break-up. The pictures we took, the drinks we downed, the things we laughed about.
This was the time when the flame, the wind and the rose didn't exist. The 22-year-old was the only one who understood the concept of Types. It was somewhere along the way that those Types turned into the metaphors I have today. Even though we have both, finally, grown out of the world of pocket monsters.
2014, the year of unexpected friendships that existed and stopped just as suddenly. 2014, the year you left and came whenever you felt like, without a care for whatever I wanted. Just a gust against my collar when I alighted the train, just the wind that made a mess of my hair as I looked over the railings of the rooftop, staring down at the trains leaving Kallang.
Friday, May 11, 2018
EW9
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
Let me take you back to one of the days I fetched you at Choa Chu Kang. It just happened last night, I swear, not three years ago.
Me in my pink Converse tee, you in your bookout uniform. You didn't have hair, while I had the same short hair that I do now, except it was dyed with insecurity. It was a coping mechanism for my loss, while now it acts as a symbol for all things impulsive.
We were standing by the escalators, I swear I can feel the cold metallic of the railing below my left arm. You touched my waist and said under your breath, Saturday, wanna go hotel? You weren't looking your best then, with your face so tanned and shaven head exposing the moles I didn't know you had. But I said yes, because you were all I knew.
It was early September, because I remember my first tattoo being fresh. At first we went to Mayo Inn, but you saw a hijabi at the reception so we went to Haising, a few units down. You gave up $100 in exchange for a receipt with your name and IC number on it, and a tiny room on the second floor.
But you're right. That was Bugis. What's it got to do with this station?
That was the start of our hotel habits. In the beginning we went Haising a couple more times, dropping a hundred bucks just for four hours, five. What a waste of money, we both know. But we didn't think about it because we were a pair of new adults who wanted nothing more than to take each other.
Then we discovered hotels that charged hourly. Two places became our haunt, I'm sure you know their names. They became a regular thing, sometimes spontaneous and sometimes planned for days. Christmas 2015, when you didn't have your IC and pleaded, I've come here before, don't you remember?
It became a routine in late 2015 and never stopped until well into 2017. Hell, after we got back together three months after the break-up it happened again, with my personal favourite being the day I'd brought my dress.
So many sets of four walls have heard and seen enough of us. It's a stark contrast to your poor memory, but it rings clear in my head like it was all just yesterday.
Watching you unlock the door and me, knocking on it; you flipping my body over and gasping when you're in; my legs starting to shake. The sights, the sounds, the touches. I wish I can get it out of my system but it's impossible. I wish I'm not the one who has to suffer like this every time.
I wish you had been more firm with me, instead of letting your lust take control. Your willingness made me think we could do anything that came our way, that it would always be us against the world.
I kept giving you hints but you didn't take them seriously, you said during one of our last arguments, when you finally had enough of me being completely different from your mother's expectations. It was my fault for driving you there in the first place, I was the one who would never change, I was the one who went against your family on purpose.
Ironic, because most of the time it was your idea. You long stopped dragging me to staircase alleys in malls, but it was you who slipped your hand beneath my waistband in a crowded train, who brushed your fingers against my breast in the cinema, whispering Lepas ni nak pergi hotel?
Hotels only stopped being routine when you rented your own room in Singapore. But there was no 'hint' from you for me to change our ways, for me to mould myself into the perfect daughter-in-law. Your last reason for leaving was a contrast to your own actions, always bringing me home and exclaiming we would have sex everyday when you realised your roommate was rarely home.
These things stayed in Aljunied; the shady hotels and roadside tables selling viagra, our lack of shame when we bought condoms and passed our ICs to the receptionists. But the rebellion against your mother followed us out, which you would later turn against me. Your selfishness comes with your fear, running away with your tail between your legs and saving only yourself.
Let me take you back to one of the days I fetched you at Choa Chu Kang. It just happened last night, I swear, not three years ago.
Me in my pink Converse tee, you in your bookout uniform. You didn't have hair, while I had the same short hair that I do now, except it was dyed with insecurity. It was a coping mechanism for my loss, while now it acts as a symbol for all things impulsive.
We were standing by the escalators, I swear I can feel the cold metallic of the railing below my left arm. You touched my waist and said under your breath, Saturday, wanna go hotel? You weren't looking your best then, with your face so tanned and shaven head exposing the moles I didn't know you had. But I said yes, because you were all I knew.
It was early September, because I remember my first tattoo being fresh. At first we went to Mayo Inn, but you saw a hijabi at the reception so we went to Haising, a few units down. You gave up $100 in exchange for a receipt with your name and IC number on it, and a tiny room on the second floor.
But you're right. That was Bugis. What's it got to do with this station?
That was the start of our hotel habits. In the beginning we went Haising a couple more times, dropping a hundred bucks just for four hours, five. What a waste of money, we both know. But we didn't think about it because we were a pair of new adults who wanted nothing more than to take each other.
Then we discovered hotels that charged hourly. Two places became our haunt, I'm sure you know their names. They became a regular thing, sometimes spontaneous and sometimes planned for days. Christmas 2015, when you didn't have your IC and pleaded, I've come here before, don't you remember?
It became a routine in late 2015 and never stopped until well into 2017. Hell, after we got back together three months after the break-up it happened again, with my personal favourite being the day I'd brought my dress.
So many sets of four walls have heard and seen enough of us. It's a stark contrast to your poor memory, but it rings clear in my head like it was all just yesterday.
Watching you unlock the door and me, knocking on it; you flipping my body over and gasping when you're in; my legs starting to shake. The sights, the sounds, the touches. I wish I can get it out of my system but it's impossible. I wish I'm not the one who has to suffer like this every time.
I wish you had been more firm with me, instead of letting your lust take control. Your willingness made me think we could do anything that came our way, that it would always be us against the world.
I kept giving you hints but you didn't take them seriously, you said during one of our last arguments, when you finally had enough of me being completely different from your mother's expectations. It was my fault for driving you there in the first place, I was the one who would never change, I was the one who went against your family on purpose.
Ironic, because most of the time it was your idea. You long stopped dragging me to staircase alleys in malls, but it was you who slipped your hand beneath my waistband in a crowded train, who brushed your fingers against my breast in the cinema, whispering Lepas ni nak pergi hotel?
Hotels only stopped being routine when you rented your own room in Singapore. But there was no 'hint' from you for me to change our ways, for me to mould myself into the perfect daughter-in-law. Your last reason for leaving was a contrast to your own actions, always bringing me home and exclaiming we would have sex everyday when you realised your roommate was rarely home.
These things stayed in Aljunied; the shady hotels and roadside tables selling viagra, our lack of shame when we bought condoms and passed our ICs to the receptionists. But the rebellion against your mother followed us out, which you would later turn against me. Your selfishness comes with your fear, running away with your tail between your legs and saving only yourself.
Thursday, May 10, 2018
EW8/CC9
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
The sun will always be on time to greet me once I alight; there will be the same woman smoking by the same trashcan, wearing the same black outfit. I never stay long enough to see what bus she takes, of course. I am so selfish that I don't care whenever I walk past, only thinking of her now in her absence.
During Year One whenever someone asked where I lived, the name of this station rolled so nicely on my tongue. I loved saying I lived here, it sounded so different from the place I actually grew up in. Like I was finally out of there.
Imagine a straight line drawn on the pavement. On one side is a girl in her secondary school uniform, running away and crying that mummy and daddy don't love her. On the other is someone six years older, tearing open her paycheck and calculating the amount to give her parents.
The 17-year-old is commended for her bravery to run, ignoring the trains that pass overhead. All she knows is self-pity, that the world is against her and nobody loves her. She responds to everything with sadness, even the few people who try to help.
The first place she runs to is her aunt's old place where her parents got married. She'll sit in the room with her grandma, ignoring all her questions, Kenapa asyik balik lambat? E'indah dah tanak belajar lagi? Jangan buat nenek susah hati boleh?
The 23-year-old is invisible in the rushing crowd, her eyes that light up with every train that passes. All she knows is pride, that she is the storm against the world and she loves nobody. She responds to everything with negativity, but puts on a smirk in the process.
The first place she goes every morning is the wretched bookstore on the third floor, with a bottle of milk coffee that tastes like shit. Her aunt's place is no longer a sanctuary, all the questions still going unanswered. Betul ke tanak makan? Tanak cari kerja lain? 'Aamir balik Johore ini hari?
That line dividing both girls is you.
Both of them found a second home in a place of regularity when everything and everyone else was madness. They also found solace in you: you, 17 and too poor to top up your own Ez-Link, and your 22-year-old ghost, waiting outside the bookstore in your trackpants and sandals.
The younger girl didn't think you would ever exist. You were the 'someone better' that everyone told me about, with your ability to completely erase my slate. You were the home that I would soon find; I just had to let go and run away, and that was when you fell miraculously in front of me.
You were the sheltered one when we first met, and I know it was my rebelliousness to blame. When we got caught behind the Circle Line unit and made to scram; when you got jerked off by a girl for the first time ever in a carpark; when I sneaked you in the night granny was in Johor while aunty worked the night shift; you experienced lust for the first time with me.
But when we hugged after you sent me home on our first date; when we ate pizza bars on the floor outside 7-11; when we hung out at the void deck opposite my grandma's place; I was experiencing something else. At 18, I was experiencing love for the first time with you.
The older girl didn't think you would ever leave. You became 'I don't think you should go back to him', with the fickle-mindedness that left me hanging more than a few times. I ignored everyone, still making you home; only this time there were grudges that I didn't let go of.
Here is the root of many arguments, some continuous, from the MRT station to the mall that I work at. October last year, when I just had to talk to a new friend that you didn't like, even after we already argued about him.
When you took the long way here to have lunch with me and I exploded about you being late instead of appreciating the gesture. When you caught me on Tinder for women, insisting that I'm making friends in the wrong place. When I walked away from you, giving up on getting you to stop your online game. When I actually dumped you over text and wallowed in disappointment when you didn't even fight for us.
Late 2017, when I ran away again, only this time from you. My clothes caught on insecurity like fire, and I ran so hard trying to get rid of it. But you chased me when all I knew to do was get angry, your hug still so familiar with the words, Stop getting angry, I don't care about that tramp! You didn't care about everyone else on the platform watching, you just didn't let go.
Again, we experienced completely different things; me with my grudges, you with your forgiveness. Do we blame the months before the ending, with your growing apathy and my inability to let go? Or do we blame the beginning, when I made myself so shitty on purpose so you wouldn't stay, only you did but I never stopped being that person?
But despite all the anger and grudge and tears, you and this side of the suburbs were my everything. From all the times we got into trouble in our youth, to the night you pulled me in front of the flower shop when I cried about fighting with my best friends at work.
2013, our eighth month together; when I wore a long skirt and you were so smitten. When we hugged at the carpark and you mumbled to me, Please stay this way forever, and I wanted so badly to be with you for the rest of my life.
2014, in the middle of all the failed reunions. When you passed by in your aunt's car, wondering why drive down this street of all places and thinking of nothing but me.
2015, a few days before I started working at Popular, waiting beneath the sun and staring at the trains. When you finally arrived, the first thing you did was hold my tummy, and for a second there I caught hope and happiness on your face. For a moment, I knew you also wanted her.
2016, when you saw a giant pillow shaped like a cat's head at the supermarket and immediately bought it for me. You came over for dinner and surprised me with it, and I had to endure my colleagues gushing about it and about how sweet you were and how red my face was turning.
2017, when you waited at Starbucks and I walked down warily and nervously. More than three months since we last met, and you just had to smile to remind me of our time. All I could do was wish you were always mine, that you never left, that your hand would always be there to hold.
2018, when you were coming over for lunch but I expected that you would be late. But a few minutes before my break hour a familiar face popped up when I was dazing in one of the aisles. I gasped and exclaimed your name, genuinely happy to see you and feeling eighteen again. Secretly wishing it would always be you.
Paya Lebar.
The sun will always be on time to greet me once I alight; there will be the same woman smoking by the same trashcan, wearing the same black outfit. I never stay long enough to see what bus she takes, of course. I am so selfish that I don't care whenever I walk past, only thinking of her now in her absence.
During Year One whenever someone asked where I lived, the name of this station rolled so nicely on my tongue. I loved saying I lived here, it sounded so different from the place I actually grew up in. Like I was finally out of there.
Imagine a straight line drawn on the pavement. On one side is a girl in her secondary school uniform, running away and crying that mummy and daddy don't love her. On the other is someone six years older, tearing open her paycheck and calculating the amount to give her parents.
The 17-year-old is commended for her bravery to run, ignoring the trains that pass overhead. All she knows is self-pity, that the world is against her and nobody loves her. She responds to everything with sadness, even the few people who try to help.
The first place she runs to is her aunt's old place where her parents got married. She'll sit in the room with her grandma, ignoring all her questions, Kenapa asyik balik lambat? E'indah dah tanak belajar lagi? Jangan buat nenek susah hati boleh?
The 23-year-old is invisible in the rushing crowd, her eyes that light up with every train that passes. All she knows is pride, that she is the storm against the world and she loves nobody. She responds to everything with negativity, but puts on a smirk in the process.
The first place she goes every morning is the wretched bookstore on the third floor, with a bottle of milk coffee that tastes like shit. Her aunt's place is no longer a sanctuary, all the questions still going unanswered. Betul ke tanak makan? Tanak cari kerja lain? 'Aamir balik Johore ini hari?
That line dividing both girls is you.
Both of them found a second home in a place of regularity when everything and everyone else was madness. They also found solace in you: you, 17 and too poor to top up your own Ez-Link, and your 22-year-old ghost, waiting outside the bookstore in your trackpants and sandals.
The younger girl didn't think you would ever exist. You were the 'someone better' that everyone told me about, with your ability to completely erase my slate. You were the home that I would soon find; I just had to let go and run away, and that was when you fell miraculously in front of me.
You were the sheltered one when we first met, and I know it was my rebelliousness to blame. When we got caught behind the Circle Line unit and made to scram; when you got jerked off by a girl for the first time ever in a carpark; when I sneaked you in the night granny was in Johor while aunty worked the night shift; you experienced lust for the first time with me.
But when we hugged after you sent me home on our first date; when we ate pizza bars on the floor outside 7-11; when we hung out at the void deck opposite my grandma's place; I was experiencing something else. At 18, I was experiencing love for the first time with you.
The older girl didn't think you would ever leave. You became 'I don't think you should go back to him', with the fickle-mindedness that left me hanging more than a few times. I ignored everyone, still making you home; only this time there were grudges that I didn't let go of.
Here is the root of many arguments, some continuous, from the MRT station to the mall that I work at. October last year, when I just had to talk to a new friend that you didn't like, even after we already argued about him.
When you took the long way here to have lunch with me and I exploded about you being late instead of appreciating the gesture. When you caught me on Tinder for women, insisting that I'm making friends in the wrong place. When I walked away from you, giving up on getting you to stop your online game. When I actually dumped you over text and wallowed in disappointment when you didn't even fight for us.
Late 2017, when I ran away again, only this time from you. My clothes caught on insecurity like fire, and I ran so hard trying to get rid of it. But you chased me when all I knew to do was get angry, your hug still so familiar with the words, Stop getting angry, I don't care about that tramp! You didn't care about everyone else on the platform watching, you just didn't let go.
Again, we experienced completely different things; me with my grudges, you with your forgiveness. Do we blame the months before the ending, with your growing apathy and my inability to let go? Or do we blame the beginning, when I made myself so shitty on purpose so you wouldn't stay, only you did but I never stopped being that person?
But despite all the anger and grudge and tears, you and this side of the suburbs were my everything. From all the times we got into trouble in our youth, to the night you pulled me in front of the flower shop when I cried about fighting with my best friends at work.
2013, our eighth month together; when I wore a long skirt and you were so smitten. When we hugged at the carpark and you mumbled to me, Please stay this way forever, and I wanted so badly to be with you for the rest of my life.
2014, in the middle of all the failed reunions. When you passed by in your aunt's car, wondering why drive down this street of all places and thinking of nothing but me.
2015, a few days before I started working at Popular, waiting beneath the sun and staring at the trains. When you finally arrived, the first thing you did was hold my tummy, and for a second there I caught hope and happiness on your face. For a moment, I knew you also wanted her.
2016, when you saw a giant pillow shaped like a cat's head at the supermarket and immediately bought it for me. You came over for dinner and surprised me with it, and I had to endure my colleagues gushing about it and about how sweet you were and how red my face was turning.
2017, when you waited at Starbucks and I walked down warily and nervously. More than three months since we last met, and you just had to smile to remind me of our time. All I could do was wish you were always mine, that you never left, that your hand would always be there to hold.
2018, when you were coming over for lunch but I expected that you would be late. But a few minutes before my break hour a familiar face popped up when I was dazing in one of the aisles. I gasped and exclaimed your name, genuinely happy to see you and feeling eighteen again. Secretly wishing it would always be you.
Paya Lebar.
Wednesday, May 09, 2018
EW7
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
We both grew up in more than one place. Me, in the decades-old flat where my parents got married and my older brother was born. You, in a house next to your brothers' primary school, a luxury you were too young to appreciate.
You moved to Johor when you were seven, with the many siblings that could not fit in that flat anymore. Going through customs on your own was normal when you were in Primary One, while I still struggle alone as a 20-something.
But whether or not you were living in a flat in this old neighbourhood or the bungalows across the border, one thing was the same. Your parents revolved around religion either way.
Here is where you took all your classes, just a station away from the mosque that your father used to teach in. He's long gone, still climbing up the ladders and watering his head with values that he failed to shove down your throat.
But I don't care about him, knowing that you didn't. It is your relationship with your mother that I want to talk about.
I know she always wanted me to wear a headscarf, constantly asking you when would I? You even mentioned once, that she was willing to pay for me to take the same classes you did. I made a face, I know, but I swear to god in my solitude I sometimes considered it. I sometimes imagined me being a sweet little Muslim girl after we got married. You know me, I'm a daydreamer.
It's a pity, because I couldn't take you seriously. As the very cliche saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. I couldn't be the only one having to change when you were far from perfect yourself, and showed no interest in changing for the better. You know yourself. Our hotel habits back at Bugis and Aljunied proved that you didn't take her seriously yourself, so why did I have to?
I take some of the blame: I should have stopped you. But the same way you could never contain my anger, I couldn't stop your lust. We contributed to each other's flaws just by being ourselves, you being late and annoying, and me just being a woman.
Honestly, this old neighbourhood really does have some 'holy' aura to it. With the mosque and Ramadan decorations now, with the MRT roof that was inspired by old Malay kampungs. But you ruined that one Saturday morning, when you skipped class to bring me to a hotel stations away. When you said in my ear that you couldn't wait to put your dick in my mouth.
966, the only bus from Woodlands that would take you back. You brought me once, just to follow you collect your letters, but it was more than enough for me. My body still remembers climbing the overhead bridge, you talking about your childhood, and watching you flip through envelopes, majority of them bearing your mother's name.
When you left last year, I wrote a few letters to you. I even sealed them into envelopes with the address that I was confident enough was correct. But I never went as far as sending them, believing wholeheartedly that you didn't want to hear from me anymore.
Now I'm in the same state, only it all feels the opposite. Last year, I didn't think I could get over you, but I did; I was convinced you wouldn't come back, but you did. Now I wish you would, again, but this time you won't.
I still pass by on 21 every morning, and these few circumstances are already hard to ignore. Sometimes a lone bird flying circles in the distance or trains crossing each other outside Eunos are my only distractions, from the relationship that was destroyed by the only thing we had in common.
We both grew up in more than one place. Me, in the decades-old flat where my parents got married and my older brother was born. You, in a house next to your brothers' primary school, a luxury you were too young to appreciate.
You moved to Johor when you were seven, with the many siblings that could not fit in that flat anymore. Going through customs on your own was normal when you were in Primary One, while I still struggle alone as a 20-something.
But whether or not you were living in a flat in this old neighbourhood or the bungalows across the border, one thing was the same. Your parents revolved around religion either way.
Here is where you took all your classes, just a station away from the mosque that your father used to teach in. He's long gone, still climbing up the ladders and watering his head with values that he failed to shove down your throat.
But I don't care about him, knowing that you didn't. It is your relationship with your mother that I want to talk about.
I know she always wanted me to wear a headscarf, constantly asking you when would I? You even mentioned once, that she was willing to pay for me to take the same classes you did. I made a face, I know, but I swear to god in my solitude I sometimes considered it. I sometimes imagined me being a sweet little Muslim girl after we got married. You know me, I'm a daydreamer.
It's a pity, because I couldn't take you seriously. As the very cliche saying goes, it takes two hands to clap. I couldn't be the only one having to change when you were far from perfect yourself, and showed no interest in changing for the better. You know yourself. Our hotel habits back at Bugis and Aljunied proved that you didn't take her seriously yourself, so why did I have to?
I take some of the blame: I should have stopped you. But the same way you could never contain my anger, I couldn't stop your lust. We contributed to each other's flaws just by being ourselves, you being late and annoying, and me just being a woman.
Honestly, this old neighbourhood really does have some 'holy' aura to it. With the mosque and Ramadan decorations now, with the MRT roof that was inspired by old Malay kampungs. But you ruined that one Saturday morning, when you skipped class to bring me to a hotel stations away. When you said in my ear that you couldn't wait to put your dick in my mouth.
966, the only bus from Woodlands that would take you back. You brought me once, just to follow you collect your letters, but it was more than enough for me. My body still remembers climbing the overhead bridge, you talking about your childhood, and watching you flip through envelopes, majority of them bearing your mother's name.
When you left last year, I wrote a few letters to you. I even sealed them into envelopes with the address that I was confident enough was correct. But I never went as far as sending them, believing wholeheartedly that you didn't want to hear from me anymore.
Now I'm in the same state, only it all feels the opposite. Last year, I didn't think I could get over you, but I did; I was convinced you wouldn't come back, but you did. Now I wish you would, again, but this time you won't.
I still pass by on 21 every morning, and these few circumstances are already hard to ignore. Sometimes a lone bird flying circles in the distance or trains crossing each other outside Eunos are my only distractions, from the relationship that was destroyed by the only thing we had in common.
Tuesday, May 08, 2018
EW6
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
We reunited for the ninth time at Starbucks, you with your hope and me with my wariness. You gave me medicine that I never finished and talked about your last three months. But you never stopped smiling, you couldn't take your eyes off me. You almost didn't want to let go when we hugged.
One hour later I had to go back to work, but you waited on that high table faithfully. You wanted to send me home, without a care for your exhaustion or lack of money for transport back to Johor. Walking to Paya Lebar was when you asked so shyly, Can I hold your hand?
You said your heart started beating ten times faster; mine did too, but I didn't admit it.
It was on the train where that happiness turned into regret. You never wanted to leave, you said, you were miserable the whole time. You talked about your best friend, angry at the way he almost had me in Marsiling. How he persuaded you to block me everywhere, convinced you that we didn't belong together.
We stood by the doors with your hands on either sides of me; you told me about the loneliness and your coping mechanisms that just made things worse. Then you did something that I had done a million times in front of you, but had never seen you do: you started crying.
I had my arms around your neck, an old habit, and I wish you can still feel my touch like I do yours. We were always exact opposites, with your poor and my strong memory. I am the one who holds on to everything, from scenes in my head to textures beneath my arms.
Even when I want to let go.
Next stop Kembangan, you used to say when we just met, whenever you complimented me and I pretended not to care. I was always the insecure one that you had to lift; the crybaby that you had to console. But more than four years later that strength of yours turned into tears, and it was my turn to wipe them from your face.
One hour later I had to go back to work, but you waited on that high table faithfully. You wanted to send me home, without a care for your exhaustion or lack of money for transport back to Johor. Walking to Paya Lebar was when you asked so shyly, Can I hold your hand?
You said your heart started beating ten times faster; mine did too, but I didn't admit it.
It was on the train where that happiness turned into regret. You never wanted to leave, you said, you were miserable the whole time. You talked about your best friend, angry at the way he almost had me in Marsiling. How he persuaded you to block me everywhere, convinced you that we didn't belong together.
We stood by the doors with your hands on either sides of me; you told me about the loneliness and your coping mechanisms that just made things worse. Then you did something that I had done a million times in front of you, but had never seen you do: you started crying.
I had my arms around your neck, an old habit, and I wish you can still feel my touch like I do yours. We were always exact opposites, with your poor and my strong memory. I am the one who holds on to everything, from scenes in my head to textures beneath my arms.
Even when I want to let go.
Next stop Kembangan, you used to say when we just met, whenever you complimented me and I pretended not to care. I was always the insecure one that you had to lift; the crybaby that you had to console. But more than four years later that strength of yours turned into tears, and it was my turn to wipe them from your face.
Monday, May 07, 2018
EW5
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
This used to be my solitary escape during my last year of secondary school. There was a Gong Cha on the second level of the only mall back then, which I frequented with my diary and at least two cups of pearl milk tea. It turned into Bishan in my new adulthood, but the black ink, jacket and heart remained.
I can only imagine what you were going through at the time of my loneliness. Only you yourself know for sure, but maybe you were laughing with your friends, pooping into yogurt cups and throwing them from the fourth storey or something.
Even before we met, we already had our differences. The places we grew up, our backgrounds and beliefs, the things that made us laugh. The ways we portrayed ourselves and our coping mechanisms; all on either ends of the line.
Taking our O Levels at the same time was the only thing we had in common, and that was as far as it goes. I can imagine you paying attention in your classes while I slept in mine. Studying with your friends, while I gallivanted after school. Even our results were different, your disappointment at only being able to go into ITE and my lack of interest in my course at Ngee Ann.
Somehow our paths crossed, and that was when we got into the rides of our lives. Our souls never really connected, riding in the same car but looking at different sides of the road. You continued making friends wherever you went, loyal ones that took your side every time you left. I continued kicking everyone away and self-pitying and celebrating my solitude.
But fast forward to years later, on the outskirts of this old neighbourhood when a new Arnold's branch popped up. Another thing we actually had in common: our love for fried chicken. But it stopped there, when you were quick to wash your hands after, complete with your little bottle of hand sanitiser.
You asked me to do the same, but I completely refused. Can you stop being a child?, you cried, when I held my hand in a tight fist. You said people were looking, and that it'd be so stupid if they knew why we were fighting. Dia tanak basuh tangan!
I tried to run away but you grabbed hold of my arm, prying open my hand and finally squeezing a load of Dettol into it. Another little thing that lengthened the line between us.
We finally held each other's hands afterwards, yours that only knew how to clean and mine that only knew how to write. Somewhere in Bedok they intertwined but they couldn't be so different, as were the hearts that were connected to their fingers.
I can only imagine what you were going through at the time of my loneliness. Only you yourself know for sure, but maybe you were laughing with your friends, pooping into yogurt cups and throwing them from the fourth storey or something.
Even before we met, we already had our differences. The places we grew up, our backgrounds and beliefs, the things that made us laugh. The ways we portrayed ourselves and our coping mechanisms; all on either ends of the line.
Taking our O Levels at the same time was the only thing we had in common, and that was as far as it goes. I can imagine you paying attention in your classes while I slept in mine. Studying with your friends, while I gallivanted after school. Even our results were different, your disappointment at only being able to go into ITE and my lack of interest in my course at Ngee Ann.
Somehow our paths crossed, and that was when we got into the rides of our lives. Our souls never really connected, riding in the same car but looking at different sides of the road. You continued making friends wherever you went, loyal ones that took your side every time you left. I continued kicking everyone away and self-pitying and celebrating my solitude.
But fast forward to years later, on the outskirts of this old neighbourhood when a new Arnold's branch popped up. Another thing we actually had in common: our love for fried chicken. But it stopped there, when you were quick to wash your hands after, complete with your little bottle of hand sanitiser.
You asked me to do the same, but I completely refused. Can you stop being a child?, you cried, when I held my hand in a tight fist. You said people were looking, and that it'd be so stupid if they knew why we were fighting. Dia tanak basuh tangan!
I tried to run away but you grabbed hold of my arm, prying open my hand and finally squeezing a load of Dettol into it. Another little thing that lengthened the line between us.
We finally held each other's hands afterwards, yours that only knew how to clean and mine that only knew how to write. Somewhere in Bedok they intertwined but they couldn't be so different, as were the hearts that were connected to their fingers.
Sunday, May 06, 2018
EW4/CG
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
Between the two of us, you'd be the one who noticed our differences first. The background you grew up in helped you point out the wrong, things like smoking, drinking, lust. Have any of it on you and your parents would disown you in a heartbeat.
You said I smelled like stale cigarettes and alcohol when we first met, following my old impulsive habits. A voice rang in your head, telling you to run as fast as you could, but you stayed rooted in fascination. You even got into my car, letting me drive you into the world that went against your parents' morals.
Along with the toxicity that made me, I was far lower than where you stood. I fed on self-pity and pessimism, things that stayed with me even five years later. You were all laughter and honesty and optimism, things that I took away from you as time went by.
Words were always the only company I had, be they the ones that I made or lyrics that spewed into my ears. Or the ones that were laid before me, held together in these things called books.
Take you back to Outram Park, where I waited with my nose buried in a book. Back to Orchard, when I dragged you to the closing sale of a posh bookstore called {prologue}. All over Singapore, the libraries that I made home for an hour or two while waiting for you to end school or work or cross the border.
Along your many departures and my many attempts at moving on, my habit and love for reading always stood out. Wow, a girl who reads? You don't find that anywhere nowadays! Shut the fuck up, I wanted to tell those boys, one of which were you.
Of course I remember the books I was reading at the time I first met you. One was the reason I was so obsessed with flowers in a strange way, warning you never to get any for me in case you get the meanings wrong. A girl that looked like me was on the cover, with long dark hair covering half her face.
You tried so hard to impress me, going to the extent of asking me to recommend something. Not trusting you with my heart was one thing, but no way in hell was I going to let you touch my books. Still, you convinced me somehow, and until now there's a book buried in your house that was mine.
You had on your FOX hoodie while I had my ratty old beanie; you gave me one side of your earphones. Soon I took my book out to read, and suddenly you pulled out the one I lent you too. An Indian boy on the edge of a boat, a tiger beside him.
We were coming back to the spine of the green line from the airport, when we decided to head back to the first station and bounce. The doors took forever to close and the train forever to depart, so there we were at Tanah Merah: two kids sharing earphones, one a genuine bookworm and the other reading just to impress her.
You said I smelled like stale cigarettes and alcohol when we first met, following my old impulsive habits. A voice rang in your head, telling you to run as fast as you could, but you stayed rooted in fascination. You even got into my car, letting me drive you into the world that went against your parents' morals.
Along with the toxicity that made me, I was far lower than where you stood. I fed on self-pity and pessimism, things that stayed with me even five years later. You were all laughter and honesty and optimism, things that I took away from you as time went by.
Words were always the only company I had, be they the ones that I made or lyrics that spewed into my ears. Or the ones that were laid before me, held together in these things called books.
Take you back to Outram Park, where I waited with my nose buried in a book. Back to Orchard, when I dragged you to the closing sale of a posh bookstore called {prologue}. All over Singapore, the libraries that I made home for an hour or two while waiting for you to end school or work or cross the border.
Along your many departures and my many attempts at moving on, my habit and love for reading always stood out. Wow, a girl who reads? You don't find that anywhere nowadays! Shut the fuck up, I wanted to tell those boys, one of which were you.
Of course I remember the books I was reading at the time I first met you. One was the reason I was so obsessed with flowers in a strange way, warning you never to get any for me in case you get the meanings wrong. A girl that looked like me was on the cover, with long dark hair covering half her face.
You tried so hard to impress me, going to the extent of asking me to recommend something. Not trusting you with my heart was one thing, but no way in hell was I going to let you touch my books. Still, you convinced me somehow, and until now there's a book buried in your house that was mine.
You had on your FOX hoodie while I had my ratty old beanie; you gave me one side of your earphones. Soon I took my book out to read, and suddenly you pulled out the one I lent you too. An Indian boy on the edge of a boat, a tiger beside him.
Saturday, May 05, 2018
CG1/DT35
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
A diversion, a fork in the road. Or mouths that the river will split into during his infinite journey. Like how I was yours the whole time, just a distraction to get you by, something to pass the time until you could finally leave for the outside world.
Here is a station that everyone easily forgets. Nobody comes here on the weekdays, or when there are neither sales nor food exhibitions. You wouldn't come anywhere near yourself, unless I dragged you to a book sale.
In 2015 I went to a few without you; with my best friend who stayed by my bedside during the abortion, by myself when you were in camp. With my cousin, when you had other friends to entertain one weekend.
But my favourite day with you here was Labour Day 2016, when I still had my you, me, and the cat t-shirt that is missing today. You know about my strong memory, but how does it happen? How do these days stick to my head like they were just twenty-four hours ago?
It's easy, just use your senses. I remember the popcorn stand we walked by, which you couldn't resist. I swear I can still dig out some of the kernels that got stuck in my teeth. I remember the weight of all the books in the basket, which you made me put down and choose only ten.
The pictures: of you and the black and white cat, on that field by the mall near home. The huge plastic bag of books was resting on the bench behind me when I shot that, you in your dirty green t-shirt.
Your Snapchat of you and I, where you stuck out your tongue and I scrunched up my face; your caption, words on the banner spelling out balik yayy. Bring me on the train back to Tanah Merah again and I can show you which part of the route you snapped it.
But I don't want to go on the tracks this time. Stay in the hall with me, the rows and rows of books that excite me and irk you.
You know, sometimes this kinda warehouse sales got treasures.
I already found the treasure.
You got bored eventually, and when I didn't budge from your nagging and hurrying, you walked away. You went to the corner of the hall where a big piece of paper was laid out on the floor, for kids to doodle on for entertainment.
That scene of you looking over the railings and turning back towards me sticks for some reason. I was watching you, ignoring the stacks in front of me for a moment. It stung me some ways, about you and about the world.
At the time my depression was still growing, and I was in that in-between of finding zero worth in anything and trying too hard to be positive. I have diary entries from this time full of smiley faces and exclamation marks, but they are a contrast to the darkness that was coming on in my mind.
Just imagine: you, looking at that paper and, seeing that it's nothing of interest, turning to walk back towards me. I bet you don't even remember, What fucking paper, E'indah? But that look on your face made me so scared, I wanted to drop all the books and just hide in you.
If I could bring you back in time with me, only this time I want you to focus on my face, see the shock and fear in it. Why? I don't understand it myself. The world really scared me then, with its disabled people and lonely elderly and pathetic attempts at development.
It's hard for me to write and confess this, that I felt earthquakes just by looking at you look at paper. Imagine if I'd told you on the day itself; you wouldn't understand, you would shove it off with a sarcastic remark that would make me laugh. But I'd still go home and think about your face for the next few days, weeks, months, until now.
You're right, I have a crazy kind of intelligence.
A diversion on the green line. Like the books I drowned in to distract myself from the sad, sad world. Like the man whose hand I held to make me forget the people living in it, even when they pushed through me like I was a hologram. Expo, where pathetic exhibits breed my fear of the world.
A diversion, a fork in the road. Or mouths that the river will split into during his infinite journey. Like how I was yours the whole time, just a distraction to get you by, something to pass the time until you could finally leave for the outside world.
Here is a station that everyone easily forgets. Nobody comes here on the weekdays, or when there are neither sales nor food exhibitions. You wouldn't come anywhere near yourself, unless I dragged you to a book sale.
In 2015 I went to a few without you; with my best friend who stayed by my bedside during the abortion, by myself when you were in camp. With my cousin, when you had other friends to entertain one weekend.
But my favourite day with you here was Labour Day 2016, when I still had my you, me, and the cat t-shirt that is missing today. You know about my strong memory, but how does it happen? How do these days stick to my head like they were just twenty-four hours ago?
It's easy, just use your senses. I remember the popcorn stand we walked by, which you couldn't resist. I swear I can still dig out some of the kernels that got stuck in my teeth. I remember the weight of all the books in the basket, which you made me put down and choose only ten.
The pictures: of you and the black and white cat, on that field by the mall near home. The huge plastic bag of books was resting on the bench behind me when I shot that, you in your dirty green t-shirt.
Your Snapchat of you and I, where you stuck out your tongue and I scrunched up my face; your caption, words on the banner spelling out balik yayy. Bring me on the train back to Tanah Merah again and I can show you which part of the route you snapped it.
But I don't want to go on the tracks this time. Stay in the hall with me, the rows and rows of books that excite me and irk you.
You know, sometimes this kinda warehouse sales got treasures.
I already found the treasure.
You got bored eventually, and when I didn't budge from your nagging and hurrying, you walked away. You went to the corner of the hall where a big piece of paper was laid out on the floor, for kids to doodle on for entertainment.
That scene of you looking over the railings and turning back towards me sticks for some reason. I was watching you, ignoring the stacks in front of me for a moment. It stung me some ways, about you and about the world.
At the time my depression was still growing, and I was in that in-between of finding zero worth in anything and trying too hard to be positive. I have diary entries from this time full of smiley faces and exclamation marks, but they are a contrast to the darkness that was coming on in my mind.
Just imagine: you, looking at that paper and, seeing that it's nothing of interest, turning to walk back towards me. I bet you don't even remember, What fucking paper, E'indah? But that look on your face made me so scared, I wanted to drop all the books and just hide in you.
If I could bring you back in time with me, only this time I want you to focus on my face, see the shock and fear in it. Why? I don't understand it myself. The world really scared me then, with its disabled people and lonely elderly and pathetic attempts at development.
It's hard for me to write and confess this, that I felt earthquakes just by looking at you look at paper. Imagine if I'd told you on the day itself; you wouldn't understand, you would shove it off with a sarcastic remark that would make me laugh. But I'd still go home and think about your face for the next few days, weeks, months, until now.
You're right, I have a crazy kind of intelligence.
A diversion on the green line. Like the books I drowned in to distract myself from the sad, sad world. Like the man whose hand I held to make me forget the people living in it, even when they pushed through me like I was a hologram. Expo, where pathetic exhibits breed my fear of the world.
Friday, May 04, 2018
CG2
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
The ending and beginning, somewhere in the middle of the green line. On the edge of the diversion, where the train takes forever to leave with its travellers and heavy luggage. Where both arrivals and departures happen.
On your right is Candy Empire, flourishing with peanut butter-flavoured Kit Kat Chunkys. I was obsessed with them once, never failing to buy at least two bars to eat at the back of class the next day. Wait, you can actually see me paying right there, with a red and black-striped hoodie hanging on my shoulders.
Here is Dunkin Donuts, with its kiddie chairs by the fountain and just three booths. Here was where I drank coffee for the first time, after years of believing in its bitterness and being an 'adult' beverage. That's me in the middle booth actually, sipping on my iced coffee and scrunching up my face in disgust.
You're right, these two places are long gone. A toy store stands in place of the candy shop, while the donuts are gone, replaced with a Chinese cafe that seems to specialise in mango desserts.
But wait; before the Dunkin Donuts vanishes completely, your sixteen-year-old ghost brings it back to life.
I see you, but I can't quite match your real face with the mirror selfies on your Instagram. You finally approach me, without the snark remarks or pick-up lines that would come frequent over the years. You're prettier than I expected, five simple words.
An A4 book is passed over the table; your JAE booklet, very barely missing the ring of water left by my iced coffee. I've misplaced mine, and perhaps that was the only excuse we had to actually meet.
This was our only meeting which you actually remember what I was wearing, head to toe. Sometimes you bring it up yourself, asking if I could wear that striped blouse again. You say I looked cute, but grew prettier over the years. Another one of your lies, but one that I was fortunate and quick enough to see.
In my mind, this first encounter with you still feels like yesterday. This is nothing new. The entire five years that passed since then just happened last night, I swear. Close enough for me to feel every single blast of air-con that hit my face when I enter from the bus interchange, and the heat when I leave.
I know our memory is another one of our differences, that's why I'm taking you on this walk. God knows where you are exactly now? In a Burger King with your new girl, somewhere in the north? In some bar in the city, a reunion with your batchmates? Or perhaps you are right here, after another flight?
God knows if you are even reading this? I might be talking to myself for all we know.
Right next to the long-gone Dunkin Donuts is Starbucks, where a girl from my secondary school used to work. She happened to be on the counter when we visited, somewhere in March 2013. It was strange for her to be the first person from Pasir Ris Crest to meet you; someone unimportant with the one that my life would revolve around forever.
A few feet away is the giant slide that goes down a few storeys. It was the second thing that attracted you that day, after the girl in a beanie. But unfortunately I was just too shy to get on it with you, wanting to keep up my, you know, cool exterior.
Even the lifts are significant here, when we used our reflections to compare heights. Why are you a little taller than me?! you cried. That image and your voice both ring clear, I swear to God. There's the exit to the carpark, where we sat at when things got a little awkward.
And here is a regular door. Where does it go? We don't have the rights to come in, or the chances to ever find out. But when we walked in one evening in October 2013, you blocked the exit with your suitcase and led us to a corner where we could hide. The usual happened, you grabbed my face and kissed me.
After a while you told me that you did it because you genuinely missed me. You said that for once, you didn't feel lust. You just wanted to refill the gap shaped like me when you were away in Bali on a school trip. At the time I didn't admit it, but it was one of my favourite kisses that we shared.
Two and a half years later, we're back here. It's Labour Day 2016 once again, and you're walking with a bag of books in one hand, and mine in the other. We meandre through the crowds that scare me when I don't have you. And then you have a heart attack when you see someone you know: your mother.
Somehow she misses us, but my hand in yours and the holes in my jeans are enough to make you panic. I want to introduce you to my mum, you exclaim, but it contradicts the way you pull me away and quicken your pace.
You only relaxed when we got beverages from one of the old-fashioned coffee places. We sat on the viewing mall and drank, talking about the past when we first met, and the future, that we didn't know would get ten times harder.
That future would come November 2017, when you went on your interview for SilkAir.
You told me what you were planning to say, but I told you to scrap it because it implied you'd only settle for second best instead of fighting for what you want. I wasn't very smart to begin with, not with this interview bullshit, but when you made it through you thanked me for the advice.
I called my mom to see if she was working and if we could visit her; I told her about the chance of you being cabin crew, and I felt a sense of pride from her, just a little. Months later when you sent me a picture of you in your uniform, she was the excited one, showing you off to my aunt and grandma. Introducing you to her colleagues as her 'future...'. She was just obviously more proud of you than she was of me.
Already a contradiction to your mom, at her disdain for me just from what I wear. She doesn't even know you serve alcohol on your flights, and you know she'd be restless if she ever does.
No, scratch that. She doesn't know more about you than your job.
She doesn't know that you sometimes excused your prayers with laziness. She doesn't know about the things we did in your room on weekends. She doesn't know about the occasional drink you down with your cabin crew, or the cigarettes you smoke on a daily. She doesn't know you had a child that you didn't want.
But that's okay, because you're perfect.
When you went for that interview, I already knew you'd get in. A gut instinct? Faith in you? Or just that stupid metaphor I stuck with, that you own the skies? Maybe all of them. But there's also something else that I constantly believed would happen, that you kept telling me to ignore and stop mentioning. That you would die on one of your flights.
I doubt you remember, but we had a fight somewhere here. I left the canteen and ran to the viewing plaza, and you didn't bother chasing after me. I sat there alone, watching the still planes against the sunset, just plain bawling. I took a picture and captioned it can't look at planes the same way now.
There was a gut instinct that the airport would be the last place we'd meet; a closure to our first meeting more than five years ago. That a plane would take you away in all ways possible. It was so silly, I swear, but the god your mother believes in so much made me this way for a reason.
In a way, you did die by becoming someone else. My cousin with a steward for her husband warned me, but I told her you would never. I believed you when you made a face at the other stewardesses, saying their layers of make-up irked you. Trusting you was easier than ignoring my own insecurity.
Little did I know I was building you up for someone else to have you. I've done it both: carrying a child for five months only to kill it, and supporting a boy for years only for another girl to have my sculpture. I genuinely didn't believe I'd still have a heart to break at the thought of either.
I should have been warned with the flashes that came from your friends gushing over you being a steward. You never took me seriously when I called you Flying-type, but I still strongly believe someday you'll be hit by that same lightning you had when you departed. You can run away into the sky all you want, but with just a blink of one of its eyes, you're gone.
Now Dunkin Donuts finally fades away. So do the bus interchange, train station, and all the restaurants and planes in Changi Airport. You found me here at 16, with no muscles or money, and all you had was the trail of girls that rejected you in secondary school. Now here you are again, a finished product, firm enough to not need me anymore. Now those girls will be running after you, and now it will be your turn to pick from them.
On your right is Candy Empire, flourishing with peanut butter-flavoured Kit Kat Chunkys. I was obsessed with them once, never failing to buy at least two bars to eat at the back of class the next day. Wait, you can actually see me paying right there, with a red and black-striped hoodie hanging on my shoulders.
Here is Dunkin Donuts, with its kiddie chairs by the fountain and just three booths. Here was where I drank coffee for the first time, after years of believing in its bitterness and being an 'adult' beverage. That's me in the middle booth actually, sipping on my iced coffee and scrunching up my face in disgust.
You're right, these two places are long gone. A toy store stands in place of the candy shop, while the donuts are gone, replaced with a Chinese cafe that seems to specialise in mango desserts.
But wait; before the Dunkin Donuts vanishes completely, your sixteen-year-old ghost brings it back to life.
I see you, but I can't quite match your real face with the mirror selfies on your Instagram. You finally approach me, without the snark remarks or pick-up lines that would come frequent over the years. You're prettier than I expected, five simple words.
An A4 book is passed over the table; your JAE booklet, very barely missing the ring of water left by my iced coffee. I've misplaced mine, and perhaps that was the only excuse we had to actually meet.
This was our only meeting which you actually remember what I was wearing, head to toe. Sometimes you bring it up yourself, asking if I could wear that striped blouse again. You say I looked cute, but grew prettier over the years. Another one of your lies, but one that I was fortunate and quick enough to see.
In my mind, this first encounter with you still feels like yesterday. This is nothing new. The entire five years that passed since then just happened last night, I swear. Close enough for me to feel every single blast of air-con that hit my face when I enter from the bus interchange, and the heat when I leave.
I know our memory is another one of our differences, that's why I'm taking you on this walk. God knows where you are exactly now? In a Burger King with your new girl, somewhere in the north? In some bar in the city, a reunion with your batchmates? Or perhaps you are right here, after another flight?
God knows if you are even reading this? I might be talking to myself for all we know.
Right next to the long-gone Dunkin Donuts is Starbucks, where a girl from my secondary school used to work. She happened to be on the counter when we visited, somewhere in March 2013. It was strange for her to be the first person from Pasir Ris Crest to meet you; someone unimportant with the one that my life would revolve around forever.
A few feet away is the giant slide that goes down a few storeys. It was the second thing that attracted you that day, after the girl in a beanie. But unfortunately I was just too shy to get on it with you, wanting to keep up my, you know, cool exterior.
Even the lifts are significant here, when we used our reflections to compare heights. Why are you a little taller than me?! you cried. That image and your voice both ring clear, I swear to God. There's the exit to the carpark, where we sat at when things got a little awkward.
And here is a regular door. Where does it go? We don't have the rights to come in, or the chances to ever find out. But when we walked in one evening in October 2013, you blocked the exit with your suitcase and led us to a corner where we could hide. The usual happened, you grabbed my face and kissed me.
After a while you told me that you did it because you genuinely missed me. You said that for once, you didn't feel lust. You just wanted to refill the gap shaped like me when you were away in Bali on a school trip. At the time I didn't admit it, but it was one of my favourite kisses that we shared.
Two and a half years later, we're back here. It's Labour Day 2016 once again, and you're walking with a bag of books in one hand, and mine in the other. We meandre through the crowds that scare me when I don't have you. And then you have a heart attack when you see someone you know: your mother.
Somehow she misses us, but my hand in yours and the holes in my jeans are enough to make you panic. I want to introduce you to my mum, you exclaim, but it contradicts the way you pull me away and quicken your pace.
You only relaxed when we got beverages from one of the old-fashioned coffee places. We sat on the viewing mall and drank, talking about the past when we first met, and the future, that we didn't know would get ten times harder.
That future would come November 2017, when you went on your interview for SilkAir.
You told me what you were planning to say, but I told you to scrap it because it implied you'd only settle for second best instead of fighting for what you want. I wasn't very smart to begin with, not with this interview bullshit, but when you made it through you thanked me for the advice.
I called my mom to see if she was working and if we could visit her; I told her about the chance of you being cabin crew, and I felt a sense of pride from her, just a little. Months later when you sent me a picture of you in your uniform, she was the excited one, showing you off to my aunt and grandma. Introducing you to her colleagues as her 'future...'. She was just obviously more proud of you than she was of me.
Already a contradiction to your mom, at her disdain for me just from what I wear. She doesn't even know you serve alcohol on your flights, and you know she'd be restless if she ever does.
No, scratch that. She doesn't know more about you than your job.
She doesn't know that you sometimes excused your prayers with laziness. She doesn't know about the things we did in your room on weekends. She doesn't know about the occasional drink you down with your cabin crew, or the cigarettes you smoke on a daily. She doesn't know you had a child that you didn't want.
But that's okay, because you're perfect.
When you went for that interview, I already knew you'd get in. A gut instinct? Faith in you? Or just that stupid metaphor I stuck with, that you own the skies? Maybe all of them. But there's also something else that I constantly believed would happen, that you kept telling me to ignore and stop mentioning. That you would die on one of your flights.
I doubt you remember, but we had a fight somewhere here. I left the canteen and ran to the viewing plaza, and you didn't bother chasing after me. I sat there alone, watching the still planes against the sunset, just plain bawling. I took a picture and captioned it can't look at planes the same way now.
There was a gut instinct that the airport would be the last place we'd meet; a closure to our first meeting more than five years ago. That a plane would take you away in all ways possible. It was so silly, I swear, but the god your mother believes in so much made me this way for a reason.
In a way, you did die by becoming someone else. My cousin with a steward for her husband warned me, but I told her you would never. I believed you when you made a face at the other stewardesses, saying their layers of make-up irked you. Trusting you was easier than ignoring my own insecurity.
Little did I know I was building you up for someone else to have you. I've done it both: carrying a child for five months only to kill it, and supporting a boy for years only for another girl to have my sculpture. I genuinely didn't believe I'd still have a heart to break at the thought of either.
I should have been warned with the flashes that came from your friends gushing over you being a steward. You never took me seriously when I called you Flying-type, but I still strongly believe someday you'll be hit by that same lightning you had when you departed. You can run away into the sky all you want, but with just a blink of one of its eyes, you're gone.
Now Dunkin Donuts finally fades away. So do the bus interchange, train station, and all the restaurants and planes in Changi Airport. You found me here at 16, with no muscles or money, and all you had was the trail of girls that rejected you in secondary school. Now here you are again, a finished product, firm enough to not need me anymore. Now those girls will be running after you, and now it will be your turn to pick from them.
Thursday, May 03, 2018
EW3
Disclaimer: please read this series of posts starting from EW29, then backwards.
I remember when you first came. When, for the first time in years, family and relationship intertwined on a positive note. I grew up rebellious, sure, but the shelter from my parents contributed to that. Mention a boy when I was sixteen and they'd have a fit.
I barely even talked about you, but they knew I was dating someone: the boy who made me pregnant, to be exact. Your shyness was nothing new, but add that to the fact that my entire family knew what happened in 2015. It made you so much more nervous, maybe a little scared, at finally meeting them for Raya.
You and your best friend were the first guests to arrive, leaving enough time and space for them to interrogate you. My grandma especially, wondering where in Johor you lived, what were you working as, where did you graduate from? It was just as well your best friend wore black, because he was just your shadow.
That wouldn't be the first time your name floated around my grandmother's mouth. Sometimes she mixed you and my cousin-in-law up, most of the time actually. Armar balik Johor hari ni? Eh, Armar pulak, 'Aamir!, her most frequent question, possibly even her biggest concern. She didn't like that I was always sending you to Woodlands, being one of those people who think north and east are worlds apart.
You came again in August that year, when you followed me to yet another book sale. I bought a whole box of books which you had to carry, and we Grabbed/Ubered (could never tell the difference) to my place where I could settle them down so we could go out again. My mom was home, and she made you come in and ate the nasi lemak she just made.
Shy again you were, but welcoming again she was. Ambik nasi lagi ni, 'Aamir!, she ushered from the kitchen, while you were just blowing at each spoonful because the rice was still burning hot. She asked what our plans were, and you said we were gonna watch a movie; Train To Busan, to be exact. I went home to Paya Lebar that night, and my grandma was already teasing me, Tengok wayang ke?
You were gone for a year, though your name never became a stranger in both households. From their disappointment at you leaving to 'date other people', to our shots from the photobooth at Causeway Point. Your existence never quite left, right until the day you came over for my niece's birthday party.
Again, you were centre of attention, even more so than me. My grandmother just loved fussing over you, knowing every nook and cranny of your life and routine. Maybe she just gave up on getting to know me, with the way I constantly shut her out. Sometimes I loved that you were my direct opposite, that you could fill the holes that I left behind in my own family.
I remember you sitting next to me, stabbing at your burning hot chicken wing. When my father finally arrived after work, and the way my mother pointed you out to him. The way you countered their enthusiasm by offering to get more ice and walking out to the Fairprice with me to get four bottles of syrup.
You were there for one last birthday celebration, for the two other boys in my family that I still cared about: younger brother and nephew. You took control despite the chaos, putting down everybody's orders in your phone notes so we could order easier. But the biggest deal was you having to go home to Johor late because of us. You sacrificed time with your own family to be with mine. I know, I saw it, and I appreciate it.
Maybe you forget time and again the way I always gave you chances after each departure. Maybe you think nothing of that, but surely the way they constantly accepted you rings a few bells. Which other family would ignore your flaws and mistakes you did on their daughter?
But you're right. All this happened two stations down. What's it got to do with this one?
That last birthday dinner was actually a belated celebration, because my mother was hospitalised on the actual plan. She had some kind of diarrhoea on our staycation to Johor the week before. Stayed in for a few days, making you miss both our dinner and a trip to Malacca with your own family.
You wanted to see her down in Changi General Hospital, but my grandmother's shallowness and old fashioned mind stopped you. You just sent me to the MRT station here and went back home, letting me walk alone and hearing my mom nagging to call you to come back. My parents were both on your side, mad at my grandmother for her selfishness.
They all thought you would stay in the picture, as did I. They closed an eye on your mistakes, already loving you like their own son. I'm tearing up right now writing this; as proud as I have been my whole life, sometimes they are still my weakness. It pains me more to admit this, that they have imagined having you in the family more than I did.
You can say whatever you want, you can let your pride take over and say that they just wanted to exploit you of your great son-in-law qualities. But the way they talked about and to you is worlds away from your own mother's perception of me.
My mother never cared about how much you earned, despite the way she kept joking about the fifteen thousand, because she knew I wasn't worth that much. So different from your mother, labelling me from the clothes I wear and don't wear. Not knowing how imperfect her own son is.
Simei, the mid-point of your old house and ours. Where the middle-aged couple defended you, insisted on calling you to come back, talked shit about their mother/mother-in-law being so shallow. I'd like to think it was your loss, not mine. You escaped a family that already loved you despite everything, while I escaped one that already looked down on me for my exterior.
I remember when you first came. When, for the first time in years, family and relationship intertwined on a positive note. I grew up rebellious, sure, but the shelter from my parents contributed to that. Mention a boy when I was sixteen and they'd have a fit.
I barely even talked about you, but they knew I was dating someone: the boy who made me pregnant, to be exact. Your shyness was nothing new, but add that to the fact that my entire family knew what happened in 2015. It made you so much more nervous, maybe a little scared, at finally meeting them for Raya.
You and your best friend were the first guests to arrive, leaving enough time and space for them to interrogate you. My grandma especially, wondering where in Johor you lived, what were you working as, where did you graduate from? It was just as well your best friend wore black, because he was just your shadow.
That wouldn't be the first time your name floated around my grandmother's mouth. Sometimes she mixed you and my cousin-in-law up, most of the time actually. Armar balik Johor hari ni? Eh, Armar pulak, 'Aamir!, her most frequent question, possibly even her biggest concern. She didn't like that I was always sending you to Woodlands, being one of those people who think north and east are worlds apart.
You came again in August that year, when you followed me to yet another book sale. I bought a whole box of books which you had to carry, and we Grabbed/Ubered (could never tell the difference) to my place where I could settle them down so we could go out again. My mom was home, and she made you come in and ate the nasi lemak she just made.
Shy again you were, but welcoming again she was. Ambik nasi lagi ni, 'Aamir!, she ushered from the kitchen, while you were just blowing at each spoonful because the rice was still burning hot. She asked what our plans were, and you said we were gonna watch a movie; Train To Busan, to be exact. I went home to Paya Lebar that night, and my grandma was already teasing me, Tengok wayang ke?
You were gone for a year, though your name never became a stranger in both households. From their disappointment at you leaving to 'date other people', to our shots from the photobooth at Causeway Point. Your existence never quite left, right until the day you came over for my niece's birthday party.
Again, you were centre of attention, even more so than me. My grandmother just loved fussing over you, knowing every nook and cranny of your life and routine. Maybe she just gave up on getting to know me, with the way I constantly shut her out. Sometimes I loved that you were my direct opposite, that you could fill the holes that I left behind in my own family.
I remember you sitting next to me, stabbing at your burning hot chicken wing. When my father finally arrived after work, and the way my mother pointed you out to him. The way you countered their enthusiasm by offering to get more ice and walking out to the Fairprice with me to get four bottles of syrup.
You were there for one last birthday celebration, for the two other boys in my family that I still cared about: younger brother and nephew. You took control despite the chaos, putting down everybody's orders in your phone notes so we could order easier. But the biggest deal was you having to go home to Johor late because of us. You sacrificed time with your own family to be with mine. I know, I saw it, and I appreciate it.
Maybe you forget time and again the way I always gave you chances after each departure. Maybe you think nothing of that, but surely the way they constantly accepted you rings a few bells. Which other family would ignore your flaws and mistakes you did on their daughter?
But you're right. All this happened two stations down. What's it got to do with this one?
That last birthday dinner was actually a belated celebration, because my mother was hospitalised on the actual plan. She had some kind of diarrhoea on our staycation to Johor the week before. Stayed in for a few days, making you miss both our dinner and a trip to Malacca with your own family.
You wanted to see her down in Changi General Hospital, but my grandmother's shallowness and old fashioned mind stopped you. You just sent me to the MRT station here and went back home, letting me walk alone and hearing my mom nagging to call you to come back. My parents were both on your side, mad at my grandmother for her selfishness.
They all thought you would stay in the picture, as did I. They closed an eye on your mistakes, already loving you like their own son. I'm tearing up right now writing this; as proud as I have been my whole life, sometimes they are still my weakness. It pains me more to admit this, that they have imagined having you in the family more than I did.
You can say whatever you want, you can let your pride take over and say that they just wanted to exploit you of your great son-in-law qualities. But the way they talked about and to you is worlds away from your own mother's perception of me.
My mother never cared about how much you earned, despite the way she kept joking about the fifteen thousand, because she knew I wasn't worth that much. So different from your mother, labelling me from the clothes I wear and don't wear. Not knowing how imperfect her own son is.
Simei, the mid-point of your old house and ours. Where the middle-aged couple defended you, insisted on calling you to come back, talked shit about their mother/mother-in-law being so shallow. I'd like to think it was your loss, not mine. You escaped a family that already loved you despite everything, while I escaped one that already looked down on me for my exterior.
Wednesday, May 02, 2018
EW2/DT32
We're finally at the second last, before we enter the black hole that you always thought my hometown was in. I still remember the day you fetched and told me that the stretch after this station just made my home seem like a different world.
As usual, I can name you every movie we've ever watched here, which of the three malls exactly. The photographs still hang on the walls of my head, even if they were long deleted. From the benches we sat with our hotdogs from Gogo to the corners where we hid to kiss.
Here was another one of the places we reconciled. Since when was there a Boost here? I exclaimed, with your hand in mine on a Saturday morning. You'd just ended your night shift at Cantonment and I was supposed to fetch you but it was one of the rare occurrences I was late.
I didn't know either! Rara showed me. Her cousin was working here.
A smoothie bar. A stranger making our King William Chocolate and Lite Mango Magic, that's all, and yet she is now contributing to the story of why we broke up.
This was somewhere in late July, after I had to let both the rose and my anger at you go. You once accused me of my disloyalty in Year Two, when you said At least I stayed loyal to you the whole year, while you fooled around with so many guys.
But last year it was you, with your girls on Tinder that became my snakes instead. You claimed they were just rebounds, forcing yourself to move on from the 'love of your life' that you yourself dumped like she was nothing.
It was too easy getting blinded by you again, with our smoothies and your trash talk about the girls you fooled around with. There was a song whose lyrics we fought over at the bus stop, when you said it was So say goodbye and disappear, while I was absolutely sure it was actually So say goodbye and hit the road.
Of course I was right, like I always was, like you always refused to admit. I was also right when I said you would leave again, but you veiled over my eyes with your sweet talk. The same tongue that I fell for, again and again despite the way it sends me crashing every single time.
We took 168 back to the north, and on the way I showed you my diary entry from the day you called me thirteen times. Oh how the tables have turned, I snickered, while your heart broke at the other entries from when I was hopelessly in love with your best friend.
It was when the bus entered the expressway did I let go of your hand to entangle my earphones. I didn't offer to share, the way we used to on our first few dates. I relented, but only if it was the playlist called 29/9, just to show that I still wasn't yours. I looked out the window instead of sharing my thoughts, something you were strange to.
We passed IKEA, sandwiched between the past, where we wandered with thoughts about a house we could never afford. The near future, where we would buy pillows and towels before you moved in your new place. Our ghosts weren't ghosts like they will be, but memories we recalled together.
It is here that sits a community hub, where you sat beside me while I edited my poems. Where I sat beside you while you watched football on the huge screen. Where we sat with our legs up and microphones to our mouths, screaming Taylor Swift at the top of our lungs as promised.
Woodlands was always dear to me as it was to you, your home more so than home. This station and its entirety is the east equivalent, from the amount of time I spent at my cousin's and secondary school best friend's place, and the mall that is now closed for renovations. A second home that will never be, with its ever moving crowds and vastness.
But it is also here that you find someone new each time, with the girls in photographs, graduating from this same polytechnic. It is here you meet them, over coffee or cereal or conversations so mundane that you wondered why you settled with my eccentricity for years.
It is here that you let me go, on with your life like I never existed. Maybe someday it will be my turn, back to the days in my youth when I hadn't met you. Back when my time revolved around cousins and girlfriends and the lack of money in my pocket.
Tampines, where the crowds don't stop moving, slew of passengers alighting the train until I am the last one in the cabin.
Now the train departs yet again, only I finally have enough space to turn in my seat and look out the window. The bit of dread in my heart doesn't change the fact that I am nearly home.
As usual, I can name you every movie we've ever watched here, which of the three malls exactly. The photographs still hang on the walls of my head, even if they were long deleted. From the benches we sat with our hotdogs from Gogo to the corners where we hid to kiss.
Here was another one of the places we reconciled. Since when was there a Boost here? I exclaimed, with your hand in mine on a Saturday morning. You'd just ended your night shift at Cantonment and I was supposed to fetch you but it was one of the rare occurrences I was late.
I didn't know either! Rara showed me. Her cousin was working here.
A smoothie bar. A stranger making our King William Chocolate and Lite Mango Magic, that's all, and yet she is now contributing to the story of why we broke up.
This was somewhere in late July, after I had to let both the rose and my anger at you go. You once accused me of my disloyalty in Year Two, when you said At least I stayed loyal to you the whole year, while you fooled around with so many guys.
But last year it was you, with your girls on Tinder that became my snakes instead. You claimed they were just rebounds, forcing yourself to move on from the 'love of your life' that you yourself dumped like she was nothing.
It was too easy getting blinded by you again, with our smoothies and your trash talk about the girls you fooled around with. There was a song whose lyrics we fought over at the bus stop, when you said it was So say goodbye and disappear, while I was absolutely sure it was actually So say goodbye and hit the road.
Of course I was right, like I always was, like you always refused to admit. I was also right when I said you would leave again, but you veiled over my eyes with your sweet talk. The same tongue that I fell for, again and again despite the way it sends me crashing every single time.
We took 168 back to the north, and on the way I showed you my diary entry from the day you called me thirteen times. Oh how the tables have turned, I snickered, while your heart broke at the other entries from when I was hopelessly in love with your best friend.
It was when the bus entered the expressway did I let go of your hand to entangle my earphones. I didn't offer to share, the way we used to on our first few dates. I relented, but only if it was the playlist called 29/9, just to show that I still wasn't yours. I looked out the window instead of sharing my thoughts, something you were strange to.
We passed IKEA, sandwiched between the past, where we wandered with thoughts about a house we could never afford. The near future, where we would buy pillows and towels before you moved in your new place. Our ghosts weren't ghosts like they will be, but memories we recalled together.
It is here that sits a community hub, where you sat beside me while I edited my poems. Where I sat beside you while you watched football on the huge screen. Where we sat with our legs up and microphones to our mouths, screaming Taylor Swift at the top of our lungs as promised.
Woodlands was always dear to me as it was to you, your home more so than home. This station and its entirety is the east equivalent, from the amount of time I spent at my cousin's and secondary school best friend's place, and the mall that is now closed for renovations. A second home that will never be, with its ever moving crowds and vastness.
But it is also here that you find someone new each time, with the girls in photographs, graduating from this same polytechnic. It is here you meet them, over coffee or cereal or conversations so mundane that you wondered why you settled with my eccentricity for years.
It is here that you let me go, on with your life like I never existed. Maybe someday it will be my turn, back to the days in my youth when I hadn't met you. Back when my time revolved around cousins and girlfriends and the lack of money in my pocket.
Tampines, where the crowds don't stop moving, slew of passengers alighting the train until I am the last one in the cabin.
Now the train departs yet again, only I finally have enough space to turn in my seat and look out the window. The bit of dread in my heart doesn't change the fact that I am nearly home.
Tuesday, May 01, 2018
EW1
Pasir Ris.
The extreme east is no mystery, so let's just get its name out of the way.
I've tried everywhere to write this, from bus 21 to Bishan library to my workplace; but there's no better setting than my own bedroom. The photographs hanging on my corkboard are so still, which is strange, with how their flapping from the fan is the only thing I hear when I'm trying to sleep at night.
There's a gap between my colleagues and cousins, where the shots of you and I once resided. A few days ago you still hung there, for I was too afraid to look at or touch you. Why is his picture still there?, my older cousin was just scoffing, a few days after you left yet again.
This town is irony at its best, from the best classmates of my life to the worst year of secondary school. From the sweetness of childhood to the demons residing in my mind and bedroom. From a reunion kiss at my bus stop to one last goodbye at yours.
As much as I loved the expressway, I dreaded separating from you at Woodlands. The moment I took my next bus, once it touched down in this neighbourhood, everything was familiar yet dangerous. It got worse when you found a room here, a little after you got a job as a steward.
You were the key that locked me in the eight-stations box, from Pasir Ris to Paya Lebar and back again. I did not have reason to leave this octagon, not much, not when the only person I knew outside it suddenly resided four bus stops away.
Perhaps that was the reason I met your best friend secretly, on the fourth day of February. He held on to two bikes as I walked towards him, his left hand holding on to the handlebars of a stray Mobike. Maybe you don't remember, but when he posted a picture of his cracked screen on his Instagram? I was there when he dropped his phone, bending down to collect it as the green man started flashing.
He brought me around Woodlands, giving me a new perspective and a new scene in the novel I am writing. Down a hill towards the waterfront, where I kept up with him and rambled on about the colour red.
I had no guilt meeting you that evening, with the intricate lies I'd built up. I went to eat Eighteen Chefs at Nex with my family, my battery is about to die, I don't want to charge it because my parents will keep calling me.
My grudge was stubborn, and it grew with every image you posted on your story. I hated that you had the world on your side, that you had a whole life ahead of you. I hated being invisible in comparison, with the words that everyone who knew us didn't even say. I hated that you were right: being a writer will always be hopeless.
Somewhere along the way it became hatred for you. It all accumulated, going way back four years, when you left me behind. Another spot on the map that held both beginning and ending, Jurong East; the years following our reunion only turned my own hometown into the same paradox.
True, sometimes I loved you less than obsession. I loved you on bus 53, with my hand on your knee after a long day in training. I loved you when you said hello to a cat, when we bought your groceries, when you made us four packets of maggi goreng.
But I admit now that night, it all dissipated when you kept going after I said no. We lied in your mattress afterwards, where you quietly asked me, E'indah, do you love me?
At that moment, I did not. You remember my response: silence, loud enough to coax you asleep. I packed up and started to leave but it woke you, and while I was putting on my shoes, you quietly said, You don't love me, do you?
Our first time: Paya Lebar, in my home outside home. Our last: Pasir Ris, in your home outside home. Sometimes I didn't want to, but the word 'no' was never enough. 'I don't feel like it', 'I don't want to', 'I'm telling Luqman', none of it was strong enough to make you stop pulling on my pants.
The extreme east is no mystery, so let's just get its name out of the way.
I've tried everywhere to write this, from bus 21 to Bishan library to my workplace; but there's no better setting than my own bedroom. The photographs hanging on my corkboard are so still, which is strange, with how their flapping from the fan is the only thing I hear when I'm trying to sleep at night.
There's a gap between my colleagues and cousins, where the shots of you and I once resided. A few days ago you still hung there, for I was too afraid to look at or touch you. Why is his picture still there?, my older cousin was just scoffing, a few days after you left yet again.
This town is irony at its best, from the best classmates of my life to the worst year of secondary school. From the sweetness of childhood to the demons residing in my mind and bedroom. From a reunion kiss at my bus stop to one last goodbye at yours.
As much as I loved the expressway, I dreaded separating from you at Woodlands. The moment I took my next bus, once it touched down in this neighbourhood, everything was familiar yet dangerous. It got worse when you found a room here, a little after you got a job as a steward.
You were the key that locked me in the eight-stations box, from Pasir Ris to Paya Lebar and back again. I did not have reason to leave this octagon, not much, not when the only person I knew outside it suddenly resided four bus stops away.
Perhaps that was the reason I met your best friend secretly, on the fourth day of February. He held on to two bikes as I walked towards him, his left hand holding on to the handlebars of a stray Mobike. Maybe you don't remember, but when he posted a picture of his cracked screen on his Instagram? I was there when he dropped his phone, bending down to collect it as the green man started flashing.
He brought me around Woodlands, giving me a new perspective and a new scene in the novel I am writing. Down a hill towards the waterfront, where I kept up with him and rambled on about the colour red.
I had no guilt meeting you that evening, with the intricate lies I'd built up. I went to eat Eighteen Chefs at Nex with my family, my battery is about to die, I don't want to charge it because my parents will keep calling me.
My grudge was stubborn, and it grew with every image you posted on your story. I hated that you had the world on your side, that you had a whole life ahead of you. I hated being invisible in comparison, with the words that everyone who knew us didn't even say. I hated that you were right: being a writer will always be hopeless.
Somewhere along the way it became hatred for you. It all accumulated, going way back four years, when you left me behind. Another spot on the map that held both beginning and ending, Jurong East; the years following our reunion only turned my own hometown into the same paradox.
True, sometimes I loved you less than obsession. I loved you on bus 53, with my hand on your knee after a long day in training. I loved you when you said hello to a cat, when we bought your groceries, when you made us four packets of maggi goreng.
But I admit now that night, it all dissipated when you kept going after I said no. We lied in your mattress afterwards, where you quietly asked me, E'indah, do you love me?
At that moment, I did not. You remember my response: silence, loud enough to coax you asleep. I packed up and started to leave but it woke you, and while I was putting on my shoes, you quietly said, You don't love me, do you?
Our first time: Paya Lebar, in my home outside home. Our last: Pasir Ris, in your home outside home. Sometimes I didn't want to, but the word 'no' was never enough. 'I don't feel like it', 'I don't want to', 'I'm telling Luqman', none of it was strong enough to make you stop pulling on my pants.
For that one night, I didn't want to talk to him. I let the phone ring once, twice, then panicked and hung up. I wanted to talk to a girl. My cousin, my older cousin, my long-lost best friend from secondary school; they all flashed to mind. I needed a girl more than anything that night, but for some reason no one seemed right. I didn't want someone who would just baby me.
Soon they became your secondary school friends. Your ITE classmates. The girls you met on Tinder months before. I wanted to talk to them all. I didn't care about being told that I was the villain, or accused of hidden intentions. But the saddest part was you believed I had something up my sleeve, when one of those girls reported to you about me following her on Instagram.
Soon they became your secondary school friends. Your ITE classmates. The girls you met on Tinder months before. I wanted to talk to them all. I didn't care about being told that I was the villain, or accused of hidden intentions. But the saddest part was you believed I had something up my sleeve, when one of those girls reported to you about me following her on Instagram.
I was never the victim, with the army behind you. I did tell your best friend (or was he still?), when we went cycling around the north; I warned him against saying Kau dah tahu dia macam gitu, asal kau pergi rumah dia? He spoke with disdain about how you would never change, but we all know that he will always stand with you anyway.
Pasir Ris, the town of irony.
At the bus stop where I always take 88, we went from two kids talking about the past three months without each other, to a couple who refused to give in, eating their McDonalds in silence.
In this very room I've stared at your number flashing on my screen, ignoring every sudden call. Less than a year later I was the one desperately calling, pushing the same familiar numbers on my house phone when you ended up blocking me.
Here we are again, you deciding that you don't want me anymore. Me, trusting you for the tenth time for naught. Five years ago you were the reason I loved the red line with all I had, but even that ends in the south.
The stations from the west to the east just gave us thirty-one more reasons to break up, sirens burning every time the doors closed shut. From our first departures at Clementi to the tattoos and drinks at City Hall, or the long legs I struggled to keep up with at Raffles Place and the girls you met for the first time at Tampines.
Simply the entire line, where I would ramble on while you listened. Where I would mimic announcements only to have your hand clamp over my mouth. Where I looked out the windows in wonder and you stared at me, doubting if you could ever stay long enough to understand.
On the red line we ignored the announcements that warned us of an ending in Jurong East. This time, the warning came a little too late, only ringing when the train finally departed the second last station. We didn't know what to do, stay or leave? Is the train at this platform for boarding?
In the end, I decided on the former and you, the latter.
And then train service begins again, back to the west, only this time without you.
Monday, April 30, 2018
After / Fire
The 'Isdal woman' was found wedged between rocks on a trekking ground known as Death Valley.
Her hands were positioned as if she was shielding herself from a few blows. Investigators found more than fifty sleeping pills in her system, not all of which had completely digested. But the strangest part, still with no explanation until today, was the fact that her front was completely burned. The family who found her said the smell of rotting flesh was overwhelming.
They found a suitcase at a nearby station that linked to her, and came up with a few theories, but the most popular one was her being a spy who had to saunter to and fro different identities to escape people who were trying to kill her.
They couldn't find a reason for anyone to set her face on fire. Suicide was plausible, with the thought of her being unable to pour gasoline down her own back. But the fire didn't explain the pills, and neither did the pills explain the fire.
I thought of it in my own personal way. A year ago, maybe more than, I was trying to find 'the perfect way to die'. I never thought about fire, because that was what I always thought I'm made of, but I thought of pills. Sleeping pills, as an ode to my love-hate relationship with sleep.
The authorities never thought about it personally, or in a way that defied, I don't know, common sense. I put on her shoes and understood, just a little, why she would have tens of sleeping pills in her stomach and be charred all down the front (if it was really suicide and not murder).
I wish I could talk more without spoiling my own book that I'm writing. But one of my main characters had to do something in order to take the next big step that she did, and it is only now, months after I wrote that scene, that I realise how parallel it is to my present.
The significance of fire is obvious, being the place that any regular person is afraid of. I was told not to be comfortable in it, not to hold on to sparks that could only cause trouble, not to be the flame that caught on people's hair and clothes. Despite doing all that, I never realised how dangerous it was. How dangerous I was.
For once, I want to hold the blame. But I have people telling me not to shoulder the weight, convinced that I am still the victim. Maybe they are still unfortunate enough to have not been hurt by me, despite being there from the time I was born. Maybe they just weren't in the sun long enough to be burned by it.
There is a reason for everything I write. I do this best because there is no one interrupting me, to tell me I am wrong or I don't make sense or that I was the victim. He is just a bird and IamfireIamfireIamfire
Her hands were positioned as if she was shielding herself from a few blows. Investigators found more than fifty sleeping pills in her system, not all of which had completely digested. But the strangest part, still with no explanation until today, was the fact that her front was completely burned. The family who found her said the smell of rotting flesh was overwhelming.
They found a suitcase at a nearby station that linked to her, and came up with a few theories, but the most popular one was her being a spy who had to saunter to and fro different identities to escape people who were trying to kill her.
They couldn't find a reason for anyone to set her face on fire. Suicide was plausible, with the thought of her being unable to pour gasoline down her own back. But the fire didn't explain the pills, and neither did the pills explain the fire.
I thought of it in my own personal way. A year ago, maybe more than, I was trying to find 'the perfect way to die'. I never thought about fire, because that was what I always thought I'm made of, but I thought of pills. Sleeping pills, as an ode to my love-hate relationship with sleep.
The authorities never thought about it personally, or in a way that defied, I don't know, common sense. I put on her shoes and understood, just a little, why she would have tens of sleeping pills in her stomach and be charred all down the front (if it was really suicide and not murder).
I wish I could talk more without spoiling my own book that I'm writing. But one of my main characters had to do something in order to take the next big step that she did, and it is only now, months after I wrote that scene, that I realise how parallel it is to my present.
The significance of fire is obvious, being the place that any regular person is afraid of. I was told not to be comfortable in it, not to hold on to sparks that could only cause trouble, not to be the flame that caught on people's hair and clothes. Despite doing all that, I never realised how dangerous it was. How dangerous I was.
For once, I want to hold the blame. But I have people telling me not to shoulder the weight, convinced that I am still the victim. Maybe they are still unfortunate enough to have not been hurt by me, despite being there from the time I was born. Maybe they just weren't in the sun long enough to be burned by it.
There is a reason for everything I write. I do this best because there is no one interrupting me, to tell me I am wrong or I don't make sense or that I was the victim. He is just a bird and IamfireIamfireIamfire
Saturday, April 28, 2018
31/1/95
A time that revolved around Sunday morning shows
I was too young to have packed my own clothes
Your landline was my mother's only choice
To know what we were up to, our secrets and noise.
Come the years with your texts on a touch screen
Still nine months apart yet both seventeen
One grew up first but the other was ahead
She met Woodlands while all I saw was Red.
A family of five started arriving without the daughter
But the presence of the other boys doesn't falter
The north became our home yet we never crossed
With the other's void filled, we never felt lost.
A one-room flat and reluctant shaking of the hands
Hide the heartbreaks and ceasing true friends
The fabric of our skirts brush, your knee against mine
After three years on different tracks, the feet realign.
Over an absence the recklessness was caught
Only this time she is the first in thought
Despite the opposite roads where we grew far
We finally sing the same songs in her car.
I was too young to have packed my own clothes
Your landline was my mother's only choice
To know what we were up to, our secrets and noise.
Come the years with your texts on a touch screen
Still nine months apart yet both seventeen
One grew up first but the other was ahead
She met Woodlands while all I saw was Red.
A family of five started arriving without the daughter
But the presence of the other boys doesn't falter
The north became our home yet we never crossed
With the other's void filled, we never felt lost.
A one-room flat and reluctant shaking of the hands
Hide the heartbreaks and ceasing true friends
The fabric of our skirts brush, your knee against mine
After three years on different tracks, the feet realign.
Over an absence the recklessness was caught
Only this time she is the first in thought
Despite the opposite roads where we grew far
We finally sing the same songs in her car.
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