I HATE EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Grey So Dark.

i like the little patch that stays in your sight when you look away after staring at the sun. if you make it keep still for a moment, it kinda resembles a beating heart.

a beating heart. 

fuck. i am so pissed off right now.

yet i am sad.

Hello Tomorrow. [Fly Emirates Commercial 2012]

this is just beautiful. in terms of meaning and videography. i love it so much!

an anti-social feline.

it actually feels kinda nice walking around in my own neighbourhood in the morning. had gone to mac at elias mall to eat and slurp on iced latte while writing, before making my way to tuition at 9.30. (had stomach ache halfway, making me totally regret having eaten)

i understand vectors a lot more now, and it's kind of fun if you know how to do it. unfortunately for me i hadn't learnt it quick enough to do well in the vectors test i'd done back in school on wednesday. that's just me i guess, taking my time to learn.

a slow learner. in more ways than one.

the cats of elias mall whom i frequently meet with are jenny (the one i like to call purple), kuskus (the orange one with moodswings) and the big fat orange one whom i have not named. (although i've been friends with her since my primary school days)

today, i hadn't seen any of them, but i met an arrogant one in a whole new district in elias mall. new in a way that i hadn't seen any cats in that spot before. the three whom i'd mentioned usually linger around the coffeeshop by the newsstand, while the timid ones hide by the supermarket area.

so this arrogant one. it was sleeping, and i did the usual calling sound, but it totally ignored me. i saw it twitch in reaction to my call, but it hadn't done anything to regard my presence. i went over and petted it, and still, it refused to even open its eyes.

 my first impression of this cat was, arrogant.

well yeah maybe it's partially my problem for calling it when it was obviously sleeping.

so yes, that is how my friday morning had went.

honestly, i think metal and dubstep is the most wicked combination ever. but not many people had thought of mixing them, and i don't specialise in playing with audio, so i'm sticking to the dubstep remixes of Dying In Your Arms and Capsizing The Sea for now.

the drop in the former ain't that wow, honestly. but still a very nice remix.

*jump*

i checked out my blog stats, and i must say, what i saw really surprise me. i've got readers from the US!? and Brazil?! and Indonesia, and UK, and Spain!? readers, plural! holy firetruck !

i've got something to say to my readers, all of you. my axes! can you guys, like, i dont know. do something to indicate your presence? leave comments for example? follow?

checking out my stats right now and there are three people from the US reading my bloggie at this very moment. cool.

the library will be closed for good.

guess where i went today? on a solitary escapade.

which, tadah, sucked because i was supposed to meet with two people today. Haikal dood for some videography stuff, and Maya cousie for study session. both had been postponed/canceled.

woah. i never knew the past tense for Cancel only had one L.

anyways.

the Man at the Taxi Stand wasnt there again today. strange. it's been two days. where is he? hadnt seen him, but i met a strange stray cat whose eyes are of different sizes. one was unusually bigger than the other. like the moon rotating around the Earth.

went to drop As Easy As Falling Off The Face Of The Earth, and guess what! i hadnt gone in the library. isn't that very rare?

though i kinda regret now because the library'd be closed tomorrow since it's a public holiday. the sign had said: "the library will be closed for good."and i nearly fainted but it's "the library will be closed for good friday."

went to bedok point through an unusual route, where i slacked at the same cafe as yesterday and wrote in my diary. around 7, made my way to the bookshop i had found, and spent eons looking at the notebooks and other stationery, as always.

SHOOT, I JUST CHEWED MY NAIL A LITTLE TOO HARD AND MY FRONT TOOTH FEELS LIKE IT'S GONNA DROP OFF ANYTIME NOW.

if you hadn't realized, i'd used the word "unusual" a lot today. that shall be the word for today: "Unusual".

oh, firetruck! there's like, fragments of a chipped tooth on the top of my bottom teeth now. great.

the story of the unusual ghost.

school's been dismissed, and i'm walking down the stairs having a conversation with jia yao about things regarding clique and douchebag. by the time we reach ground level i walk ahead, and i am halfway down the little stairs by the main gate when i see one of The Boy's ghosts.

i am about to disregard it like i do the rest, but wait! there're some strange things about this ghost. details that makes him the most special of all the ghosts of him i've seen before this.

first of all, i don't remember any memories of The Boy at the spot where he is standing at. next, he seems to be in communication with the human next to him, my classmate Amalina. last of all, the reason this ghost is unusual, is because, it is not a ghost.

it's the Real Deal.

holy firetruck! i can feel the whole world stopping its revolution right now. i look at my classmate, who is staring at me from her spot next to the love of my life. i find the strength to mouth, though with pauses in between: "who is that?"

she just looks at me for a second, and i'm afraid if The Boy turns around. i don't want to see his face.

he doesn't. instead, my classmate mouths back his name.

i find myself turning away, back up the stairs, hoping he wouldn't turn and see me. i push through the juniors walking my way, making my way back to the canteen. i hear jia yao's voice. i run to him.

"jia yao! jia yao!" i call. i try to keep my voice stable, but i can feel it breaking halfway through my next sentence, "he's at the bus stop, the douchebag's at the bus stop!"

i start crying, and tears are sliding down my cheeks, more gathering in my eyes. i manage a laugh, but it is so weak that it makes my voice croak more. i give up and continue crying til rayner has to give me all the tissues he has left.

he goes to the direction where the bus stop is, along with wei liat. jia yao stands here beside me, not knowing what to do. i am shivering. my knees tremble, so i try to keep them steady. i fail.

i cover my face and try my best to stop the tears. i resume more awkward laughs which still turn back to ugly croaks.

yao wei and jia yao make a plan. they suggest i walk along with them, right in the middle acting like big shots and pass him by. they tell me to point the finger at him as well.

as we walk pass the canteen, i hear faiz's voice yelling my name. i turn, and he says: "make sure you point both!" and points both of his middle fingers, as if making sure i would know exactly how to do it.

wei liat comes along and exclaims, "i join from behind, i support you!" and here we are, walking the tiny zebra crossing that leads us back to the little staircase by the main gate. the Aran boys chat as per normal, the usual perk and volume while i shiver from the excitement/nervousness.

what if he runs away?
what if they go over and talk to him?
what if he ignores them if they do?
what if he ignores them and comes straight at me?
what if he slaps my face?
what if they bash him up?
what if he bash them up?
what if i bash him up?
why is he here of all places?
why is he here of all times?
why must he be here of all people?

a million questions run through my head, but the only one that can be answered is not one of them: "what if he's not there anymore?"

because he isn't.

a special pink butterfly tee.

heidiho.

had left home in a skirt, but i freaked out when the bus hadnt even arrived yet. i ended up running back home and changed, tossing the skirt and pump shoes across my bedroom before putting on my skinnies and Nikes.

stripped off the gray hoodie and tossed my red and black one over my shoulder. lastly, traded the smile for a scowl. the only thing that remained was the pink butterfly tee.

looked into my reflection and was like. "Hello E'indah Wrister."and then i half-smiled like one of those douchebags who've got something up their sleeve.

i dont know why but i was so damn angry. i kept blaming The Boy.

want to know something ironic? that very skirt; the last time i had worn it was when i was slacking with them twins. the very first time all three of us had slacked tgt too. i remember so very clearly. had been with Shu Shan and Si Ying before i went to meet them.

anyway. had gone to Bedok once again. really, i do love the neighbourhood atmosphere there. sadly didn't see the Man at the Taxi Stand today.

had sat at this milk tea cafe writing in my diary. wrote for, like, 45 minutes straight. solid writing, occasionally sipping on the awesome milked tea (despite the Doc having told me to specifically avoid that).

i am not what my mom said. i am RIGHT in the head! bloody hell.

really. i'm so damn angry right now. libraries and cats are the only things in the world that can make me truly happy at this moment.

i'm so damn sick and tired. i really wanna toss everything that lands into my palms, up into the air; deny any responsibility passed to me.

Nadhie the Explorer.

i'm going out now. guess what i'm wearing? not my usual get-up. hehe.

goodbye! i'm going exploring. where you ask? i shall not tell you. shall get back to ya.

a rainy Wednesday.

i never realized that Nadhie is a shuffle of the letters in E'indah.

just talked with muzzy, he knew it was me after looking at my pictures in Fb thanks to my signature red and black hoodie. and then he said, after shuffling the letters in Nadhie he got E'indah. that's how he knew.

so anyway, just returned home from school. had reached class early and made myself cosy in my little corner of the classroom, had gotten lazy to tie my hair properly.

today wasn't so great. (then again my life these days has been pretty much screwed up) i couldnt be bothered to entertain anyone today, not even teachers. no strength, no mood, no energy and whatever else in between.

getting pissed off at the slightest things. sigh. i suck so bad that God doesn't even think i deserve to be put out of this misery via permanent sleep.

hate everyone. trust no one. love one. yourself.

mom thinks i'm not right in the head. i can't be, cause if i am, i wouldn't even admit it. of course i'm right in the head. i am. it's the whole world that's crazy.

pain comes in a package. it's a box wrapped with nice paper and a big fat ribbon, and inside it there's everything you need, to feel the most out of pain.

a little memory of Muzzy:

more than a year ago. he was referring to the Wrister girl.

......it's so damn unfair.

i loved him so much, yet he repaid me with all the pain there is he could give. three times! he's left me three times.

fuck it lah, shall write more of this in my diary.
referring to The Boy btw, not muzzy malek. obviously. sorry if my topic-jumping has been too abrupt lately.

coincidence.

so the strangest thing just happened.

had a friend request from none other than Muzzy Malek.

this is a direct coincidence between my dream and reality, they've always been linked metaphorically or in a roundabout way. never this direct. holy firetruck. strange isnt it?

now wondering whether to talk to him or not. does he know this is E'indah? what should i say? "woah, i just dreamt of you and now here you are", or "hey thanks for the add, who are you" or "thanks for the add, know who i am?"

-.-

or maybe he reads my bloggie and happened to stumble upon the part where i said he's been MIA, so he just added me to prove he hasnt deactivated any shit at all.

i've got my hair up now, want to see? as ms delsise would say: "this is a privilege. not a must."

once again, those eyebrows -.-

another unexpected character.

never noticed that i've had more than 1,400 blog posts.

had a dream this afternoon, in another nap. somebody unexpected once again.

i was with The Boy, eating at this fast food restaurant which i think was most probably Mac. he and i were talking, and he was laughing, when, in the distance, i saw maya my cousie standing and glaring at The Boy's back.

she had stood there for quite some time, but she never looked even once at me. eventually she turned and just walked off.

suddenly The Boy and i were in a car and he was driving. i looked out the window, and when i looked back in it wasn't the douchebag anymore. it was muzzy malek. his 17-year-old uncle.

i was falling asleep, and at one point i laid my head on his shoulder, which he shrugged off, but in a gentle sort of way. so i fell, and i had my head on the space behind him on his seat, if you get what i mean.

i remember that i started crying. i made some soft sobs, and i was covering my face with my palm while he, muzzy malek, he just drove on.

we got off at one point, and he had placed an arm around my shoulders. i looked up at him, and that was when the both of us smiled, at the same time, at each other.

he said: "do you have any money for us to eat something more fancy? cause i don't."

we walked on this road, in the middle of it, when maya came along, and we all started talking together. she looked so happy in the contrast to the glare she had given to The Boy earlier. i remember that she and muzzy were like chatting away and joking about some shit regarding me.

never thought that i would dream of him now. the other time i dreamt of 'Irfan noorhalim, unexpectedly as well. what do these two have in common? they're related. they're related to The Boy. The Boy and i have went to peninsula with them on separate trips before.

i should go on an adventure. mystery adventure that starts with a dream i had. who knows, i go peninsula and i find something that leads me somewhere else and then i meet someone who tells me stuff which i wasn't supposed to know and then blah3 idk what i am crapping but you get the idea i hope.

wouldn't that be fun, though? a distraction.

i realized that i had been dreaming about the zoo a lot lately. two nights ago there was the raccoon and the huge cockroaches on the walls, pretty much like the kampung house at the zoo that i had went with my family the other time.

something like that, yeah. if you cant tell its size, i suggest you compare it to the little plug at the bottom left. gross right? but cool .

anyway, in this kampung house there was also a little typewriter, and at the time of the zoo trip it happened to be that i was reading a book involving a typewriter as well. seems kinda nice, a typewriter that is. wouldnt mind owning one.

i've started reading As Easy As Falling Off The Face Of This Earth this morning, and i'm halfway through now. it's about a boy who's like, travelling to get somewhere, and the only thing he's got is luck.

so what happened to muzzy anyway? i can't find his facebook, did he deactivate it too? confession: i used to have a crush on him, back in the days when the D-cube just left me after first kiss. i remember so clearly muzzy started calling him Douche as well.

the pictures above, i have no idea what happened to my eyebrows. you can barely see them right? cool kan.

mind pictures.

as you can see, i am not in school. had another bad night last night. sigh. when is this going to end?

you know how some headaches play with the scales in your head? okay, i have no idea how to put it in words but yeah, that's how i've been feeling these days.

and then there's the image of being sucked in from outer space. from outer space, not into.

i had a vision last night. a random scene being played into my head for no particular reason. not a dream. i was lying on the road, looking at the sky. there was The Boy's face staring down at me.

there was something about Post-its. i was saying something, i was saying his name. he had said something as well, he had interrupted me.

o yes. the MBWOE. he had told me to write a letter to the MBWOE. he said, "don't waste your strength on me, use your strength to write to her instead." and then he gave me these post-its and a pen.

that was not a dream... i don't remember it being a dream. i don't know how i know, but i do know.

must be mind pictures. mind pictures. mind pictures. hallucinations. hallucinations, imaginations, hallucinations. mind pictures. imaginations.

bloody hell, someone kill me already.

sleep.

eyelids heavy, but don't want to dream.

sleep is an escape. it is a comfort. it is the best things in the world to be doing with someone, you sleep with your parents as a baby, with your girlfriends during sleepovers, and the love of your life.

dreams are always portrayed to be pleasant. "good night, and sweet dreams."

nightmares occur more than the sweet dreams. to me, at least. they remind you of memories you'd rather forget, give you hope for the wrong things, make you fall for people you've never met.

sigh. this life... truly is nothing but a game.

i give up. this sucks.

a memory.

long gone.
or maybe it's coming back.

it's nearing me once again. i can feel it.

is it nearing me to come back to me? or is it nearing me just to merely pass and brush against me, emphasizing the fact that it is not returning?

i'm damn aware that i am bringing this pain all onto myself.

shut up. shut up. shut the fuck up, all of you. he's coming back. he's definitely coming back. he's either coming back, or i kill him, or he beats the shit out of me. either 1.

this picture really paints a million words.
sigh.
i'm not even angry right now.

i'm just... disappointed.

really.

just disappointed.

Mason.

had heard this song when i was at vivo the other week.never would have thought that it's cascada. (this song is not on par with the theme of this post)

so today, i hadn't made way for the ghosts when they were in my way. in fact, the road was damn spacious but i purposely went their way, and through The Boy's. he just continued talking, disregarding me like i was with him.

bastard.

why is it the heart that feels the love, and the forlorn? why toss all the joy and pain onto this little thing that's already got the job of pumping blood into other parts of the body?

I NEED A BREAK.

i need to go for a run, without mercy nor caring about my lack of stamina, or cycle and hit the front brakes so i'd be thrown onto the road. i really need to get sense knocked into me, literally.

i need one more shot of pain, physical, to get over this. once, when the Douchebag had left me right after having shared our first kiss, i had kept wishing that he had beaten me up instead of leaving without a word.

do i need him to beat the crap out of me right now? yes. or not, i'd just kill him first.

had completed Mason, that book is damn sadist. i shall let the sadisty engulf me the way heartbreak had.

idk why i am like this. i am so damn sick and tired of having mixed feelings. i hope this hate lingers, i hope the love doesn't conquer it again, on and off, the way it had always done the past years.

Will. Courage. Effort. Patience. Hope.
my 5 most important values in life. they'd work for everything, even for hating someone.

so damn. sick. and tired. this life is a game, and i am running out of health points. i can't find those little things that gives HP when you break crates or whatever shit. just running with the infinity shotgun.

the weapon's all i've got.

and that's what life is all about.

pain.

The Boy causes:
emotional pain = physical pain = mental pain.
and how is The Boy impacted? obviously by none of that.

the girl causes:
none of that. he's going on so perfectly strong with his own life.
and how is the girl impacted? all 3 of the causes.

so cruel. the world is so cruel. the world gives me nothing but pain.

pain, pain, pain, pain. if you say the word a lot of times, eventually you lose the flair of it on your tongue. you grow numb to the pain. how ironic. 

pain, pain, pain. pain, without love.

quick update from school !

heidiho. currently at the sch library, and my typing is really making a din here among the silence, so better cut the cheem english and update quickly. aft all, this is a quick update. so let's go.

had a dream last night about a big-eyed raccoon wrapping its claws around my neck and attempting to strangle me. that's just a sumamary, shall elaborate when i get home. and anyway this keyboard is so difficult to type on.

clack clack clack clack clack of the freaking annoying typing.

btw. i am damn serious about what i had said last night.

that fucking liar.

so once again i had broken down this evening. in my private little sanctuary, as always.

i hit my head at an edge today, and it made a sickening thud. it still hurts, i hit like, the side of my forehead. i dont know what the hell happened, one second i was staring at D-cube's picture and the next i was crouching by my desk with my head in my hands.

idiot. most Moronest Moronic Moron in the world. if only that incident had made me lose my memories or something. kalaulah, kalaulah aku terlibat dalam kemalangan yang menyebabkan aku tidak menyedari diri langsung. (once again, chey Melayu sey)

sigh, but really.

it's been two months. not that i'm counting. but yeah. this sucks. Cousie is right, i can't be alone or i'd start thinking of all the wrong things, things i shouldn't be thinking, or to summarize my thoughts: the wrong person to be thinking of.

THAT FUCKING LIAR!

HE SAID, HE SAID TO ME ON THE NIGHT WE GOT ATTACHED. HE SAID, "BELIEVE IT OR NOT I'M NOT GOING TO LEAVE YOU AGAIN." AND THEN HE HUGGED ME, AND I DID, I DID BELIEVED HIM.

HE LIED .

he fucking lied to me! somebody should just take a knife and stab it through his heart. he's done so to mine so many times, but that's metaphorically. someone should let him go through it physically, maybe i should let E'indah do the honour.

the day i wear my white specs in public again, will be the day all Hell breaks loose. i promise you.

that fucking liar. he's going to die. 

unused stationery and unwatched videos.

this is the only place in the world where you can see pictures of me without my hair covering half my face.

had gone to tamp library today, after a hearty lunch at burger king. finished up Split, and went to pay the fine that asleah had cost me. blah3 walked around the three malls of Tampines, i was with my bro btw.

i seem to love stationery so much. okay, i am stating the long obvious. stationery and books, all kinds of books, notebooks especially.

what do we have to talk about today? okay, for the fun of it, i shall share with ya the many stationery i found while searching for them post its last night which i had taken into my possession from my negligent bro.

1. 4 unused exercise books (no name even)
2. a yellowish green clear folder
3. a box of 12-colours marker pens (with the red missing--of all colours)
4. an empty purple file

what frustrates me most is the discovery of many P4 and P5 assessment books which were left undone. i swear, if i hadnt had anything better to do i would have taken them all and done them myself. what a waste!

yeah it kinda pissed me off when i found all those books. just last year i had went searching my older brother's room for his old assessment books, and i found many N and O level stuff, which i had taken in. (he dropped out of school in sec 3)

so anyway.

just recalled. i had made a video to the instrumental version of How To Save A Life, The Fray, which had explained shit between the D-cube and i back in 2010. it ain't in my account because i didn't upload it, and it had remained unwatched in my WMP for eons since.

at the end of it, i had also mentioned a Part 2, but i guess i never got along to doing that. shall i? hehe. while i'm still getting over the fear of Re:The World Calling's planned venue. i just enjoy making smaller-scaled videos while planning a big one, i guess. all these AVSSSes. gah.

you know, i've never had anyone make a video especially for me before. yeah, i've made one for myself, but that should not count at all. the MKI had mentioned making a "project" for me back last august, tapi batang hidung pun tak nampak?

o well. who knows in the future i meet some guy who wants to tackle me, and makes a video as a step towards melting my ice-cold heart. (chey macam faham) kalaulah. 

o, o. look at this . i see me . heh.

somebody should remix our class cheers from last year and this year, and then we can perform as flashmob. that'll be cool, and we can invite the guys from ITE as well.

aw, hell. guess what song just came on? Hero, Mariah Carey. damn coincidence. i had made an AVSSS to this song for 4/2 2011 once. our last day .



i heard that this had made farhan and faiz tarmizi cry like shit when they first watched it. it hadnt made me when i was making it, but now, as Nadhie, it does make me miss being that girl in red specs.

a dream of a boy which made me smile.

i found the freaking post its. they were in the drawer in the living room all along, and this morning i actually went digging around behind my bro's desk. ugh.

anyway, a very good morning to you all my axes. today is the first day of the month, first day of the month April, and April Fool. i've got no tricks up my sleeve though, maybe just a few for my bro.

i had a dream last night/this morning. it was mostly classroom scenes this time. i can't remember positions, but there was something about us being transported to this other dimension and then in the end some fairies gave edmund and i these pieces of paper which would take us back home if we were to wish on them.

o and guess what? remember the 'crush' i mentioned some time earlier in this bloggie? okaaaay. in the dream, there was one part i was sitting at his place. we were doing some work and i had called out to him to ask him how to do some shit.

so he came over, and i was like talking the part which i didn't understand, something like that, when he sat on the back of my chair and placed his chin on the top of my head as he looked my paper.

it was like normal ah, i didn't react to that and just continued talking. and then at one point he wrapped his arms around my neck, his chin still on my head.

like WOAH right? hehe. and then at the end of it all, i think he taught me how to do or something, and then i said thank you. he had turned his back towards the class and silently kissed my temples, twice. then he laughed, and i looked at him, and then i smiled.

heheheheheh! XD like so cool. okay yeah i must admit, when i woke up, remembering this dream made me smile in bed, while any dreams about the D-cube always make me cry in bed. soooo yeah, you get my point, i think.

anyway, i shall go fondle with the stationary i have on my desk right now.