Queasiness.

you're tired. you're sick, and you're tired. you have trouble at every corner no matter which way you turn. you've been trying to put up with it, to smile through it all. but you're running out of strength.

pictures. those memories you want to forget. rings. the promises made which weren't kept. diary entries. the happiness of your past, which existence you want to burn, forever. they're all everywhere.

where do you go? wherever you look, there's something which reminds you. you don't want to remember anything. you want your memory to be erased, because your past does nothing but haunt you, hurt you, kill you slowly.

you want to run. you don't care where you run, as long as you don't stop. as long as your legs keep moving; as far as they can take you. as far as you can take yourself.

it's funny how you're so exhausted if you stay here, and yet when you start running, it feels like you can go on and on forever.

so go ahead, run. you know you can. but why won't you? why won't you, even when you so badly want to, even when you know you can? what's holding you down?

____

i had my Geography paper today. surprisingly, i thought it wasn't that bad. it was my first time completing the paper, with answers that to me were satisfactory. we'll wait til our results day to determine how i really fared.

it's Physics tomorrow, followed by Malay and the Science mcq next week. and yes i've said many times, that i'm gonna screw the world upside down afterwards!

followed me on instagram @_109TH yet? (;

so i haven't been feeling well lately. haven't had any appetite these past few days, and when i do eat, i feel stuffed halfway through. there's that churning feeling in my tummy that won't stop, and i kept wanting to puke.

i've not smoked in about a week already, so i don't think it's that. if it's my gastric flu that has returned,... i have no idea what to say.

but it's really uncomfortable. i hate it. there's something wrong with me. if there's already something wrong with me mentally, then this is physically.

anyway, thanks to all the people who sent me texts, and private messages, giving me your support. and for those who read my blog, too. if you don't know, i've always addressed my readers as Axes.

if you're wondering why, there's no special reason. i mean, it's based on the link 109blackaxes, which has its own story, but the reason i call you guys that is none.

okay, shall see you soon. i can't wait til my national exams are over!

Scars are better than cuts.

so, my precious readers/Axes. i shall blog something more about my personal life for a while now. you can choose whether or not you wish to continue, because i don't want you reading and end up judging me as 'attention-seeking' or whatever. these are all just my thoughts and feelings.

lately, i've been getting texts and private messages on twitter and tumblr, from people telling me that they read my blog. some tell me to be strong, some tell me it's exactly what they've gone through themselves. some just wanted to commend on my English.

either way, i'm kinda glad that my writing is somewhat getting more recognition now. [isn't it? no?]

we shall start this post with way back in mid of this year. when i was still an island, in isolation away from my precious classmates. when i would sulk in the corner of the classroom and skip school on events like national day and teacher's day celebrations.

i detested going to school. it wasn't like the little kid's type of dont-wanna-go-to-school, you know? it was more than a dread. it felt like my life depended on my absence from school; if i went, i'd die.

i liked to skip school on Fridays, because it was the day of the week with P.E. i hated that lesson, because it was the time that everyone would be having fun with one another. something that i wouldnt be part of.

another reason was because it would remind me of the times back in 4/2 last year when i would always join in the fun. whenever i see the classmates enjoying themselves, i'd always cry.

then came the Friday where i decided to go to school. one of my classmates decided to come and talk to me during P.E. she asked me why i left my clique, and we both had a conversation. the day before, we had one, too. it was considerably pretty rare.

and then she asked me if i would like to study with her the next day. of course i agreed. after the P.E. for that day, i felt a little lighter. it felt like i had the courage to talk with my classmates again.

sometime later after that week, my other classmates invited me to join them for recess. it probably seemed random, but i was happy as hell.

i usually hid in the classroom during recess and sleep no matter how hungry i was, because i just didn't want to go to the canteen alone. that was probably one of the reasons why i lost a lot of weight this year.

it was probably thanks to that invitation to recess that i started going to school a lot more frequently. recess with my classmates was what stopped my starving, my loneliness, and the negligence in my studies. it didn't feel like school was hell anymore.

on the last day of school, my home tutor called me out of the classroom in the middle of her lesson. the first thing she asked me was; "E'indah do you want to go to the Graduation Nite?"

if it wasn't for that last few days that i had talked with my classmates, i would have shook my head for an answer. but thinking back, to how my last week of school had changed so drastically, i nodded my head instead.

my home tutor told me that i have a Poor conduct grade and that i was not invited, because of that. a part of me expected that, but my heart still broke a little inside.

she continued, "but you want to go right?"

i said, "yes. because i have my classmates."

she smiled and said, "Mr Syafie said that you can come..." my eyes lit up and she laughed. "cause i told him how you have been coming to school more frequently these few days."

"really? i can come???"

"he said so. but we have a condition for you... you'll have to help out with the preparation for the grad nite itself." she explained that i had to help out with the stuff like decoration, and all that stuff, you know? and then i'm invited.

right afterwards, i was joining my classmates for recess again, and they happened to talk about grad nite. i told them the news, and i was super excited. we were already talking about the dresses and heels and shopping trips!

now here i am, in the middle of my O Levels. grad nite is about three weeks away and since we end our exams a little earlier than some, we've time to get ready for it and all.

i do want to go to this event. in the past, i had the mindset where i didn't have a need to celebrate my last year of school because it sucked. but now... i really want to go to this event with my classmates. with my 5/1.

this is the problem...

every morning, when i stare in the mirror, at my bare self. the only thing i can focus on is my left shoulder.

i started cutting my shoulder in early May this year. i felt so high looking at all the cuts, the lines and streaks of blood down from my shoulder to my elbow. i thought they were beautiful. they were proof that i was alive. i really thought that.

i cut frequently ever since my first time. mostly i did it when i just felt lonely, but i did it after my parents beat me up too, which they did a lot because i kept refusing to go to school.

as for now, all i can say is, i cut lesser than back then. maybe because i found a new tension-reliever in smoking. the last time i cut was last, last Thursday, the 18th. after my Science practical exam.

i don't know why i stopped bothering to hide them. i used to cut higher, so even short sleeves could cover the cuts. but over time, i cut lower and lower, and never covered them all the time. maybe i just wanted someone to notice. i don't know.

know what's the Butterfly Project? it's something i found on Tumblr. if you have the urge to cut, draw a butterfly at the spot instead. you name it after someone. if you cut again before it disappears, it dies. if you do not until it fades away, it lives.

you may think it is not brilliant... but it helped me. the first time i tried it, i didn't cut even though my mother started thrashing out her anger on me again right afterwards. instead, i drew on my wall.


my point is... it's bad enough that my parents have been disappointing and upsetting me a lot during my O Levels period. if they keep this up, i might cut all the way til Grad Nite.

and i do want to dress up for my graduation night. but these scars...

they don't stand out so much in photos. but through the mirror, they're the only things i see. i feel ugly. i used to think the cuts were beautiful, but i think their scars are just plain ugly now.

all i can hope for is for me to never cut again til after Grad nite. or maybe for the rest of my life too. but with all that is going on right now, i'm not sure.

if i can control these tendencies til then and afterwards, i'll have everyone to thank for. because i think if i hadn't been invited to grad nite, i wouldn't have reason to stop cutting. i don't know.

but if something happened on the day before Grad Nite that were to make me cut... i don't know. i really want to go to this event. and i don't want to look ugly for it.

thank you for taking the time to read this. i just felt like i needed to blog it out, because unlike my diaries, these entries have an audience... i just wished people would listen to me; hear me out.

i don't know what will happen after i Publish this, but whatever it is... i have my own two feet.

Poem for all you strong people.

It's been a year;
Came and gone without a sound.
Or maybe we just didnt hear;
When the past few months tried to shout.

The midnight prayers;
Begging God to return your past.
The endless flow of your tears;
The sadness that never ceased to last.

Do you remember that?
The ways you tried to cope.
The ways you tried to forget.
The ways you begged for hope.

The ways everyone ignored you;
How nobody heard your cries.
Nobody even bothered to look;
Or look deeper beneath your smiles.

You isolated yourself;
In hopes that someone would come over.
To notice you sitting behind the shelf;
Or to see you crouching in the corner.

For you to have come all this way;
I really think you are strong.
Perhaps you were awaiting the day;
When someone asks you what's wrong.

But you dont need that;
For you have your own two feet now.
So my strong dear, no need to be sad;
Stand above the world and take a bow.

(c) solitary author @109blackaxes.blogspot.com

Am blogging on my phone now! Everything seems so new. So... See you guys sometime soon? Stay strong. You all are. Goodnight!

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24 hours.

had a hell of a 24 hours, guys. let me just share it with you.

so right after my previous post, i packed up my stuff and left the house, though my dad tried to stop me. i snapped at him not to be so contradicting; after all, he was the one who told me that my presence was not appreciated.

when i was waiting for the lift, i saw that the new neighbours had moved in. well fuck them. their presence irritated the hell out of me.

i made my way to Whitesands first where i sat and wrote in my diary for a while. my stomach started to rumble halfway and i got really hungry so i decided to ask my classmates out for dinner. i asked Rayner.

Ernest fetched me and i got Maccy D cause there was really nothing else. when we got to their cinammon spot, Jiayao and the guys were practically monkeying around. turned out, they were playing Charades.

watching them play really cheered me up. they got in pairs and we all had to guess what their sentences were. the way they jumped and shook their heads, or brightened their eyes when one of us guessers got a word right. it was just too memorable.

i really liked a lot of Cedric and Chengyong's, honestly! their sentences and performances. i totally forgot all that had happened back at my house for a while there.

they all started to play Spiderweb next. the tension between Jiayao and Rayner and the way they all kept wanting to attack Ernest was just so funny, and Cedric won three rounds!

Eli even called to tell Jiayao that she could hear them laughing from her house!

we all walked away from there around 11 i guess? made our way to the really nicely-structured carpark between Pasir Ris and Tamp.

i used to climb shelters on carparks too, in a pathetic way while the younger twin did his parkour. last night reminded me of those times, more than 2 years ago. but a part of me whispered to me Hey; you have new memories to replace those, now, don't you?

we all gathered at the middle of the basketball court, right around the circle in the middle. Jiayao was sweet enough to be so concerned about where i was gonna stay for the night, so he called Wanxuan. who, well, scolded me as i expected.

it was sweet that she cared too. i've written about these two in my diary a lot; somehow they're always the ones being concerned about me, caring for me.

but nope. i was still against the idea of going to Pasir Ris or Paya Lebar.

i stayed with the guys there at the basketball court, and i was falling asleep til i heard Jiayao mentioning something supernatural. and we all ended up sharing ghost stories.

by then it was way past midnight, probably nearing around 1? as nerve-wrecking or cold as it got, i really enjoyed being in that cosy circle, wrapped around my foster brother's hoodie, in the company of my lovely class/schoolmates.

had a fair exchange of stories and all, until Jiayao interrupted one of his, and said: "i think i better stop talking now. i swear to God i need to fucking stop talking right now." that really got me nervous.

at one point he asked Chengyong, "eh Chengyong, when we were talking just now, you lying down ah?" and Chengyong said no i think, to which Jiayao asked again, "so all along you were sitting up?"

and then Ernest said he felt the wind change direction, and that it was even coming from different directions.

Jiayao soon suggested we make a move, so we all did. by then it was 2, and i was getting somewhat freaked out.

so this morning woke up to texts; from Had Rafael and the black tadpole. the former with a Good morning, one less lonely girl, and the latter with a How are you feeling? your stomach? answered both and got up to have a good shower.

i had really good hosts, thank you very much. though i annoyed him by waking him up every half an hour, my apologies! i got him to teach me SS too, and i think i am banging on conflicts/bonding now. i hope it's not too late.

went off at 11, thanking my host again, and went off to meet Shushan next. thank goodness there was a charger at her place so i left my phone behind while we went off to Maccy D to study.

got cold so i changed into my sweater for a little while, and then many eons later, she tested me for my causes of the Sri Lankan conflict. i did a great job!

took a break at 4, and went off to meet Had Rafael at dte. saw Azreenie and Dhabitah, so we talked for a little bit while waiting for Rafe. Azreenie really wanted a notebook! maybe i shall give her one of my unused ones, cos she seemed like she had a hard time.

Rafael came some time later, and he had this craving to go to the mangrove at pasir ris park. so i brought him there, and he was really so excited!

so before we went in, he mentioned that the one thing he's afraid of is bees. i told him not to worry because there weren't any in the mangrove, and he calmed down for a while.

halfway through the trek [which i swear he was being annoying throughout] this tiny little bee came flying from afar, and we both froze and stared at it, til it came flying towards us. that was when we went into chaos.

Rafael ducked real low and had his hands on his head, while i grabbed him and pulled him back, practically crouching as well. we must have looked so dumb.

it disappeared, and we decided to continue walking. we were still being damn noisy about the bee though! i was just telling him again that there are no bees in the mangrove, when that damn beast came back.

well the same thing happened with Rafe and i, we panicked like hell once again. really, that was so dumb, but it was so funny! damn memorable! i couldnt stop laughing.

that was enough trouble already so we decided to walk back to dte. we took turns blasting our own music, only to get disgusted with each other's music tastes; him with his Justin Bieber and me with my Trivium.

when we got to dte, we split for a while to get ourselves drinks. me with milk tea and him with cup walker. so i did a teleporting trick and he got freaked out for a while.

i love that look on his face when he was poking in his straw and the apple tea just freaking flew all over his white shirt; priceless!

i just got to my aunt's place, though.i made my granny cry, my Axes. she really cried so much; it just hurts to see this strong tiny woman cry, you know? it hurts.

but i know she's strong. and deep down, that strength of hers has been passed down to me too.

spilled my heart out to the moon. but he didn't seem to give a shit. what's new?

shall blog more tomorrow. i've had a hell of a 24 hours, and i think i deserve my rest now. thank you very much to everyone who accompanied me throughout this whole period, though, be it in person, calls or texts.

and thank you too for taking the time to read this.

and they said a police report would be made for being missing for 24 hours. no? right.

Pain.

i'm just studying peacefully at the kitchen table, as i was the whole day because nobody was in the house. she comes home and when she's in the kitchen, i happen to get tired. so i stare at my books and decide to pack up.

as soon as i make the decision, she yells at me that she wants to use the table. i don't respond and start to put a few of my pens into my pencil case. she comes to me and tells me to move away again, this time in an increased voice. so i answer, "yeah, i'm moving."

she yells again, "shut up! don't answer!" i give her my WTF look and says again, "i just said yeah i'm moving." and she practically screams for me to shut up. "don't raise your voice at me! NEVER raise your voice at me!"

i point out that i never did, and that she's the one raising her voice. "shut up! i am your parent, i am different! i am your mother!" i stop packing and stare at her. "what is your problem?" i ask. [note that i don't raise my voice, not one bit]

she loses it here. she stomps over and kicks the chair, throwing it against the iron board. she hovers over my laptop which is playing the soundtrack of To The Moon, and yells, "do you want me to throw this!? do you want me to throw this!?"

ah, fuck me. is all i can think of. i stare at the mess which her kick has made. i repeat, "what is wrong with you? what do you want from me?" somehow, asking her what's wrong is always what makes it wrong. if you get what i mean.

note. i have never raised my voice throughout her entire screamfest.

well, no worries. i continue packing while she continues screaming, and i stuff everything into my backpack just so i can get away from this faster.

when i get to my room, i start to cry. why does she hate me so much? is all i can think of.

i look at the butterfly that i had drawn on my left shoulder. it's my first butterfly from The Butterfly Project, and i've already made a pact not to cut myself. what's more, i've named it Natalee, after my very good friend who cares for me. i don't want it to die so quickly.

so i decide to do something else. i decide to draw on my wall, the space above my bed. that woman's voice rings in my head; you're crazy! delinquent! you son of a bitch! tears roll down my face but i try not to sob because it tells myself that i'm weak.

i want my foster brother here with me, but he's probably busy. and then i think of something else: tomorrow is Hari Raya Haji. why is she doing this to me tonight?

i make plans to run away from home in the early hours of Hari Raya Haji. i decide to draw myself on my wall with the words don't you dare miss me next to it.

this morning when i woke up, the first thing i do is take out my social studies and study. my bedroom light has blown and i can't study there which is why i'm at the dining table instead.

that woman has cooked dishes which i really like. i watch my little brother eat next to me and i really want some. i sneak a few bites of the rendang daging from his plate. when i want to get some for myself, that woman is practically watching the kitchen like a hawk.

in the end, i only manage to steal two pieces of fried chicken. well it's fine, i suppose. i do love chicken.

although it'd be nice to have a little of that ayam masak merah and that lontong and more rendang daging...

i continue to study.

here comes evening and she's asking my brother to ask me where is my baju kurung. i tell him i don't know, cos i really don't. she tells [no sorry, i mean yell.] she yells at me to search for it. i totally refuse because 1.i don't wanna follow them out. 2. i don't like her manners.

once again she loses it. she yells at me repeatedly, all of which i ignore. she runs to the room and gets something to hit me with, as she always does. but this time i don't shrivel from her threathening stance. maybe i've grown stronger.

i continue writing into my social studies notebook. "look at me! you look at me when i am talking to you!" she is not even talking, my dear Axes. she is yelling.

so i give her face anyway and look at her. my fringe is in the way and she can't see my eyes, i suppose, because she continues to shout, "i said you look at ME!" i say, "i am looking at you, what is your problem?"

"no, you are not! you are looking at my feet!"

for goodness sake, i am not.

she yells again, "i don't mind if your studies are bad, as long as you are not RUDE!"

"i was not being rude."

"YES YOU ARE!"

my goodness, who's the one being rude now!? she's the one yelling isn't she?

ah. the father decides to join in. "she thinks she's already smart just because she's taking her O Levels. she think she's good enough to step all over our heads now."

i've held it in, my dear Axes. but that. that makes me want to scream.

he continues, "just live with your aunt, please. i have no heart to look at you anymore. having you here just breaks my heart and irritates the hell out of me. you think you're good enough just because you're having your O Levels already."

you see? they don't know what i'm going through. yet they like to assume. both of them.

they think i'm cocky.

have i been cocky? i don't think so. i think i have been studying fairly hard enough.

why did he say that? did he really have to say that...?

they should be the ones who are always here for me.

when i write on a post it that my O Levels are coming and that i hope they'll give me the support, it got torn down from the fridge and into the rubbish bin.

and now they're breaking my hearts.

why do they not see that i'm really trying...? why is everything i do wrong in their eyes...?

maybe it's because my older brother is our mother's apple of her eye, while my younger brother is our father's baby. nobody dotes on me. they don't have time to tell me everything will be okay, because they're busy telling that to my brothers.

my brothers are wimps. maybe that's why they have to comfort them all the time and stuff...

this whole family is full of wimps! i have always been the black sheep and therefore i am not a wimp like them. i am the strongest girl in the world!

i hope to run away from this house. i don't know what else to do. i wish i have someone. i want to have someone who genuinely cares for me and for me alone.

i want to be someone's somebody... 

this really hurts so much... 

this loneliness eats into me everyday, 

it's just waiting to devour me whole right now.

For the moon.

you always act like you don't care. you're cold, you're aloof, you're ignorant, and you don't give a shit about what others think. sometimes i think you're just plain mean, and you don't even have to try.

your one-word answers that you give to my stories, your sarcastic encouragement that makes me feel more useless than i already am, how you're always sleeping when i need you the most.

your eyes that are blank, your arms that never hold, and your lips which never speak.

sometimes it seems like you're an insecure person too. you think compassion's a flaw. that once you start to show care and concern for someone; bam, you're dead, defeated.

you once told me that it's difficult for you to trust. thinking back, the fact that you dared tell me that; maybe it was a warning. maybe you're starting to trust me but you're warning me never to breach that benefit.

i don't know whether you want to have me in your life or not. at times you push me away, and when you do pull me towards you to the point that i'm about unlock your door, you shut me out and slam it in my face.

i wish i know what you're thinking. i wish you know that i'll take care of you with all that i can. if you would just allow me to. if you would just tell me how. if you would just trust yourself to trust me.

because sometimes when i think you're being mean to me, you're just intimidating me on purpose so that i can learn how to strengthen myself the way you do.

your coldness is what makes me desperate for warmth from you.

you're just like the moon. you've always been the moon; but don't ever think that it's 'small'. that's because you compared it to the sun. please don't ever compare yourself with anyone else. especially not the sun.

see how the moon glows against the dark background. like you. maybe you just don't realise it. but from where i'm standing, i can see your glow. and i want to be as brave as you are.

maybe you've been the inspiration for me to stand on my own two feet. maybe someday i'll have the courage to lift myself, along with you. and you would be the one to have taught me that.

i really care for you. you may or may not allow me to love you, but i'll always be here for you. if you would just look at me longer than you usually do.

New friends and ex colleagues.

we had Maths paper 2 today. it was manageable, though i don't think i'd be that high on the bell curve thing now. well at least that horrible subject is gone now!

was walking through Elias Mall when some dude in blue suddenly approached me asking for donation. i was in the middle of my decline when i saw a very familiar face over his shoulder.

i immediately shunned the dude in blue and just walked over to Syafiq; my ex colleague. he told me Azzreenie is nearby too, and he called her to let her know he saw me. so i hid, and he told her i already left.

when she saw me hiding she screamed "OMG I MISS YOU YOU BITCH" , heheheheh but i felt uncomfortable hugging her because i was still in my uniform, sticky and stuff.

got back to the house to change first and was on the way back to where i had last seen them, when i saw them walking towards me near the block next to mine.

funny thing was, they all stared at me without a word, and i was waiting for Azreenie to say something cause she was staring at me! somehow it turned out that she didn't recognise me!

so i made two new friends today, named Farhan? Fahn? and Dabitha? Tabitha? damn i did not catch their names properly.

not only did i made new friends. but i rekindled the bond between two past colleagues too. joined them in their work x_x and they bumped into an unsettling revelation. it was pretty interesting, really. but nerve-wrecking.

we all talked a lot together, especially me with Azreenie and Farhan/Fahn. the former has always been a good person to talk to; so was the latter.

we all slacked at a park for a while talking and listening to one another, before we went off a while after 10. Syafiq and Fahn offered to cab me to E.M., how sweet of them.

i can't wait til the next time we would meet one another again.

i apologise if this post was a little too bland or something. let me give you a dancing turtle to make it up to you.

i can't stop staring at it, it's so damn lovable ;_;

It's not him, but it's someone.

nobody wants to study with you. you sit at the park near your school alone, hoping there'd be someone asking you out on a study session. nobody does, and when you ask people, they don't want to.

you feel lonely. you look to your surroundings. you happen to be in the place where many of your memories with that special someone happened. that special someone who was long gone.

you remember, and you start to cry. your past year flashes back to your head and you remember how you isolated yourself from everyone just because that one person left you.

you feel lonely. you feel unwanted just because none of your classmates wants to study with you. you want to ask someone to help you in your Maths because you're unsure of some stuff, but everyone wants to study alone. you feel hurt.

you end up drawing. you look at the sketch of that special someone, and you miss him so much. you sit there  for a while, as if you are waiting. you know he's not coming, but you sit there anyway.

you finally get up, and you take out a cigarette and your lighter, held tight in your grasp. your foster brother's hoodie is around you, but you're shivering like mad. you light your cigarette.

you take a long and hard drag out of it. it gets to your head quick, and you nearly miss a step down the stairs. you start seeing double. why am i feeling like this, you wonder. maybe cause you're still not immune to smoking.

you hallucinate. you think you see that special someone, on his bike. you chase after the illusion. in a second, he's gone. you're now sure that it was an illusion. you take another long drag of the cigarette, and you cough a little. yes, you're still not immune to smoking.

wait. you're not walking straight. you stop for a while, and you bang into the wall. holy shit! you've never felt this when you were smoking before. why are you so dizzy?

you walk underneath a void deck. you call out to the stray cat, and it comes for a while but you see it sniff its nose and walk back away. even the kitty doesn't want you.

you light yet another cigarette.

you remember your foster brother saying that smoking is bad for you particularly because you like to neglect your meals. well, you smoke anyway, cause he's not around to stop you.

but you can't finish this stick, and you extinguish its flame before you're even fully done with it. you feel your stomach churning, like how it used to back early this year. but you're alone now. that special someone is not here to rub your tummy for you like how he used to.

you want to puke, but no vomit comes out. just something foamy and a little bit of your saliva. sigh. you feel horrible. you text that special someone. you know he's not coming. but he's the only one who lives nearby. and you know his strength. he's the only one capable of saving you.

you get tired. you lie down. you know you look stupid lying down at a void deck, but you have no choice. sitting up was too nauseating. you can't walk, and even if you can, you can't carry your bag cause suddenly it seems extremely heavy.

you text everyone you know, asking them to help you. you really want someone to help you! but everyone's busy, with studying or who knows what. you can't make calls because your phone is a lousy one.

your last resort: text a teacher! she says she's coming. you lay there, waiting. you can't stop crying, and you get nauseous with the smell of your hand because the smell of the cigarette lingers there.

you laugh at your stupidity. the day started off fine with an All the best from that special someone. how on earth did it end up this way??? it must be your emotions; it's always your emotions.

but at least you know someone is coming. that's just good news, isn't it? it may not be him, but it's someone.

____

if you're a cat lover and you get irritated when you see owners not putting their dogs on a leash, put yourself in the shoes of someone who is afraid of cats. there are stray cats everywhere, aren't there?

HAPPIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD ♥♥♥

it's the red tadpole, my Axes! the younger twin! he wished me, he really did!!!

it may seem nothing to you, but it really means a lot to me.

i met his twin just a while back, at the beginning of the month and asked him to steal Red's hoodie for me, so i could sit for my national exams in it. he said no, of course. it was my birthday wish by the way.

so all i wanted was for him to wish me all the best. that is all. i guess i'm a pretty emotional person, because i started crying when i knew he was never gonna wish me all the best.

but he did!!! he did, my Axes, he did, he really did!!!

just look at him. he crushed me, shattered me, broke my heart. yet he could just as easily make me feel so happy as well, with three simple words, although they are not "i love you". he's just amazing, isn't he?

i really trembled like mad when i saw that he had texted me. and them tears of joy just wouldn't stop flowing. oh gosh. i'm gonna draw something about it very soon asdfghjkl

ahhhhh, bliss. bliss. bliss is me. and to think that the day started off so horribly ^_^ i will never forget this day, i swear. silly little me, being so happy over a simple "all the best", right?

i can't stop smiling to myself! what a good start to my major exams.

Freedom. [from O Level 2011]

The kind of freedom which we all know best is the absence of restrictions. Whatever position we are in, there is always a kind of limit to our movements which never fails to hold us down. Admit it; at some points of your life, you have looked to the sky and envied the birds for their flying ability. We associate flight with freedom, and we always think the sky is the limit. While we are currently bind by restrictions and always look for a way to acquire some freedom, we never once thought that sometimes, the power of flight has its moments of fall as well.

My very first dose of freedom was when I ran away from home early this year. At that time, I still had a part-time job which I had taken a few months before. That was how I earned some money to feed myself. I had abandoned my phone because it enabled contact and only acted as yet another restriction. The reason why I ran away in the first place was because I felt suffocated in that house; my parents and sisters were breathing down my neck all day and everyday. I needed to breathe, and running away from it all was the only way I could think of to achieve that space.

The first few days of my freedom went perfectly fine. I went anywhere and did whatever I wanted. My everyday routine was an endless cycle revolving around work, sleep, food, and free time. I slept on an abandoned car park rooftop which was inaccessible to most people, assuring the safety and privacy. During my free time, I would either sit at the library or at a quiet cafe near my workplace, accompanied by a mug of hot beverage. It was heaven to be all alone without anyone from the family fussing over me. I was like a bird that flew all around the skies with only clouds blocking my view. I never would have thought that the day I broke a wing was anywhere nearby.

My fall came in the form of a misunderstanding at my working place. As silly as it was, it proved lethal for me because I immediately got sacked by the manager for it. I tried to reason with her but she would not hear anything of it, and I lost my job. Another one of my mistakes was my decision to take up smoking, and the addiction had caused me to spend the last of my money on a box of cigarettes. The day I got fired happened to be the day I only had a few dollars left, which was enough to provide me food just for the night.

Still, my stubbornness deterred me from the wise decision of returning back home, and I decided instead to go loitering around the neighbourhood by my working place. I did not have enough money to get myself anything from the cafe I frequented, so I walked past it, into the alley next to it. That was where my fall picked up speed.

A girl was being harassed by a group of men who did not look exactly friendly, and there was nobody else around to help her so I decided to step in. One wrong move and everything went wrong; all I remembered upon waking up was how I had tapped one of the men on his shoulders. Everything else was a blur. I had probably gotten beaten to a pulp while that ungrateful girl just ran away and saved her own life.

I woke up to see nothing but the clear blue sky directly above me. There was nothing but clouds at first, until I saw the tiny figure of a bird flying overhead. It flew around in circles, gradually dropping more and more speed. I saw that it was coming closer to the ground, towards where I laid, until eventually it dropped just a few inches by my face.

I had no strength to move, but I remembered how I had always thought that freedom was one of the best things in the world. That whole episode of my running away from home taught me that flying does not mean you will never fall; that freedom has its own restrictions too. I laughed at the irony as I rolled back onto my side with the faint sound of an ambulance in the background.

____

tomorrow is my English O Level exams, give me your support my Axes! and ALL THE BEST TO OTHER O LEVEL CANDIDATES TOO, DO YOUR BEST.

remember what i said about inhaling and exhaling when life gets tough. (; yeah don't be so tensed, just relax i guess. [though i'm feeling a little scared myself]

Homesickness in denial.

truth is, i do miss the house at Pasir Ris. don't get me wrong, i love everyone here at my aunt's place. but i've lived with my parents and brothers all my life.

they do upset me from time to time. but sometimes they make me happy being in their company too.

i've been away for a week now. i only went there to get my uniform before my practical exam on Thursday, and then to change and left again when i got back afterwards. i never talked to anyone of them.

a large part of me believes so that none of them are affected by my absence.

today started off horrible. i woke up to a throbbing headache and it was raining outside. it still is right now, many hours after i woke up. i felt so horrible and i couldn't stop crying.

maybe i'm just homesick.

then again, once that word is mentioned, a part of me asks, is that really a place you would call 'home'?

i hate days like these where i could just sit in a corner and cry for no reason.

when i'm here, i want to go back to Pasir Ris. but when i'm there, all i want is to come back here. when i'm in school, i want so badly to get the hell out of there, but when i'm elsewhere i want to go back to that classroom.

everywhere i go, i always want to go somewhere else, don't i? a little secret. the only place where i've never wanted to be somewhere else, was in his embrace.

it's so stupid how i always suck you in when i'm talking about the home and family issues. maybe cause you were once all of those when i had nobody else.

yes, i am so against the possibility of being homesick.

if you were a Pokemon you'd be a dark-type. or if we're in the Pokemon world and you had a type specialty, then it'd be Dark. an Umbreon fits you just perfectly. o gosh i'm gonna draw that once i'm done with my exams.

that aside... i am done here. i have to return to that place, latest by tonight. see you Pasir Ris people soon.

the Blue is just the flow of the water like a Vaporeon; 

the Red is just the burning of fire like a Flareon. 

the Pink is the playing of the mind like an Espeon;

but you, the Black, are the beauty of the moon like an Umbreon.

Maths is a BARREL!

good day to you my Axes. if you would have noticed, i haven't really been updating. one reason is because i don't have my computer with me for now so i can't just blog as and when. another reason is our mutual friend, the O Levels.

we all had our Practical Exam on Thursday, one which i simply screwed up. i totally have no idea what on earth the physics experiment was asking for. it's like what do you want from me?? chemistry was better. and i thought it would have been the other way around.

well, that's over already, so let's not talk about that. it's English the day after tomorrow; and then Maths the days afterwards.

hooboy. it's Maths, my Axes. my long time enemy, one which i have been trying to get along with for all my life. let's just hope Maths gives me some handicap advantage during this final battle of ours, bwahahah.

okay, so my weakness in Maths is actually the graphs bit, especially that completing the square thing. i really don't get it up to now. as well as factorising and all that algebraic fractions stuff. i'm bad at those.

i must admit, i think my strength in Maths is Paper 2, with all the trigonometry and mensuration and probability and circles, all there. i love those topics, honestly. not to brag but i always got full marks for those.

remember my prep exam where i got 8? that's because i only did the first question, which was one of the topics which i mentioned there. i think it was circles. yeah.

so i got a few tips from a teacher of mine, that you should stop all Maths by tonight already. Maths and English, i suppose. because you wouldn't want to start the day being scared and all that shit.

i've no idea how to explain it but i think it makes a lot of sense. go focus on Maths and English today, but by tomorrow, you can't do any of that already. so yeah.



beginning the day with some good old Pewdiepie.

____

a day spent with Blue brings strength for one move. a night spent with Black brings a bruise down the back. because a year without Red brings insanity to the head. 

Where are they...?

maybe i should run away. maybe i should pack up and disappear from everyone's lives. that way, i wouldn't have the chance of disappointing anyone with my results.

my aunt has always been giving me the support. my teachers never gave up on me. my parents said they're blaming my aunt if my results are not up to expectations. i want to go to my desired course. the pressure is everywhere.

O Levels start in a few days' time, yet here i am spending all morning on a Maths P1. i gave up on it already because, well. i just couldn't continue.

maybe yes, i should still take my exams but i'll hide from the world afterwards. i told you October is a fucked up month. it always is, in some way or another.

this year though, i doubt November will be any better. i don't really feel like living to see November arrive. but i have to. at least til the 19th, but i want to disappear right afterwards.

i'm so tired. i know this is a stupid thing to still be asking for, but i really wish the younger twin can lend me his strength for a little bit. i need it. not forever, but at least for now; not anybody else's, but his.

please?

i think all i need right now is the company of my classmates. where are you, 5/1...?

Imagine.

you've been at home the whole day, restless and fidgety, never getting any work done. you watch Youtube videos, you blog, you go downstairs for a walk and get yourself food. but you're not making any progress in your revision.

then a classmate asks you out, finally, on a study session. you oblige without a second thought because you know you really need to go out to study. you meet her at the airport, buy yourselves cups of hot chocolate, chat for awhile, have a smoke break, camwhore. most of all, you study.

you feel proud of yourself because you now know how to do several topics which you should have mastered a long time ago. feeling satisfied, you decide to go. you look at the time and you realise it's once again past your curfew.

your mother texts you repeatedly, reminding you that she's locked the front door from inside. when you finally reach home from the airport, it's 45 minutes past your curfew. you unlock the gate and proceed to open the door, only realising that the door is indeed locked from the inside.

fine. so you go down by the stairs and decide not to go home tonight. fine. fine with you. of course. but by the time you reach the bus stop, you already have tears in your eyes.

you feel lost. you don't know where to go. you take a random bus and alight at the end. by the time, it was past midnight and there's no buses or trains. each step you take entitles you to a few more drops of tears down your cheeks. you can't stop crying.

you text that someone, hoping he can help you, or even give any support and tell you to be strong. like he always does. but he keeps quiet. he wants you to know that you're on your own.

but you want him to be there. you want him to appear out of nowhere and hug you in the middle of the deserted lane, telling you everything will be alright. you don't want to move unless he appears.

you move. because he doesn't appear.

somehow, you don't remember how but you manage to make your way to your aunt's place; where your favourite aunt and uncles and grandmother are. where there are half a dozen cats to keep you company.

i think you're strong. because you made it.

your grandmother tells you to take a shower, and it feels so good. she sets up the mattress and pillows, and you fall asleep to one of the cats purring by your tummy. you feel blessed.

you wake up to hear your grandmother talking on the phone angrily. it's your father. it's not his fault; it was your mother who took things into her own hands and locked the door from the inside although your father already told her not to.

he had gone downstairs and all over just looking for you, and he didn't sleep the whole night. he's angry with you and your grandmother and your aunt because nobody told him of your whereabouts.

when your grandmother hangs up, you receive a text. your father tells you to stay here forever and that your aunt can take care of you because he claims you are all idiots.

you meet your classmates for another study session. you're forced to wear the same thing as yesterday because the impromptu sleepover means you don't have any other clothes. you want to go back and take a change of clothes but your father is there and you don't want to see him.

you decide to go off at 7, and you go to find some other classmates to slack with them. you've got three cigarettes and a lighter, and you can't wait to smoke them. you've had a hell of a day.

by your second stick, you feel dizzy. you feel a loss in sense of balance. you love your classmates, and they're there, but you still feel incomplete. you still want somebody else to be there to hold you up.

your classmate asks you what are the chances of you getting back together with him compared to with the classmates. you know the answer. you don't like it.

you smoke your last cigarette.

there is lightning and thunder. you listen to your classmates talk about the years, and you realise how much you've missed this year. you want to cry, but you hold it in.

it starts to drizzle. your classmates disperse. you walk with one of them, and talk with him, getting to know him better. he tells you to put your bag over your head so you won't fall sick, but you ignore him and continue to walk exposed to the rainwater.

you're cold. you don't have your foster brother's hoodie, and even your sweater is not enough. you can't stand the cold. your shoes get soggy. you curse yourself for not wearing your Nikes on the day you had gone to the airport.

your classmate takes the same bus as you but he alights earlier. when he alights, you draw in your diary, the raindrops hitting against the window beside you. by the time you're done with it, the bus has reached the end.

when you arrive back at your aunt's place, you realise you reek of cigarettes. you can't help putting your nails to your nose again and again when you remember your classmate telling you that the smell would stick especially under your nails.

you know it's noticeable because you go into the house realising that none of the cats are there awaiting like they always do. then your grandmother insists on you to take a shower, telling you over and over to make sure you use soap. she never emphasises on the soap before.

you know she knows. but you're both not saying anything. you're fine that way.

you start yet another day. you realise that you have some extra lessons in school this week, but you know you can't go just because your uniform is not with you. what will your teachers think?

you realise that you're breaking everybody else's hearts because one person broke yours.

I need my classmates now D:

A VERY GOOD MORNING TO YOU MY AXES.

i'm planning on totally going all out for Science this weekend. i did a lot of Chemistry yesterday, i stayed back to ask my teacher plenty of questions. i totally understand Chemical Analysis and Speed of Reactions now. 

i thought of doing all that damn essay questions from the TYS, and giving them to my Science teachers for them to mark. should i? i've done the first part of doing some questions already, but should i let them see it?

honestly, i haven't been doing any compos or compres on my own. i hope this action [or lack thereof] is not an act of complacency on my part. i really wanna get an A1 for my English. 

okay, alright, i shall write a compo once i'm done with all the Science today!

i find it difficult to concentrate in my own house right now. i need my classmates, and i need that damn studious environment. i feel so desperate to study right now but it seems like something's holding me back and that my classmates are the only ones who can pull me out of this monster's arms. 

i wanna study together with them, to sit together with them in the same place and focus on whatever subject we brought; being together despite being in separate worlds. 

okay i think i'm exaggerating, but aaaahhhh i need my classmates right now! please please please steal me away from my house and my comp and all these distractions!! D:

i have trouble kicking and punching away my distractions. i am not strong like them )': 

p.s. i got my report slip yesterday, and it was downright atrocious. 

Productive day!

when everything started going downhill, i got thrilled at first. but when things got a little steeper and a tad too fast, i got scared. 

the struggle of this steep hill came in the form of the sudden plunge of the hill's gradient and the increasing speed of the descent, representing the solitude and lack of time in my life. 

i never would have imagined having spent today with the people that i did with. five years ago if you had told me i would be spending my last day of sec 5 with "those people from class 2/2", i would have made a face.

but today turned out alright (: i love my classmates. someone mentioned that she saw people taking photos and she thought it was like Meh. well boo, it was a lot of fun to me. and it seemed like fun to the people who were taking photos too, right?

had to stalk some Twitters to find these photos, because i didn't take any of my own. these are all i can give ya cause i got lazy!

studied for a few hours at DTE before leaving with Rayner to have dinnz at Maccy D T-mart. or more like under the void deck cause we bought takeaway. chit chatted while eating and once again, i learnt more things about a classmate. 

slacked with Nicholas J (': i missed him. and it was so funny with them guys, especially the part about deciding who was gonna go buy the drinks. o gosh. 

the thing i like about Jiayao is the fact that although i don't get the joke, his laughter is damn contagious and i'll still join in the laughter anyway. 

today was a productive day, in terms of the classmate bonding and studies. t'was a great day! as for tomorrow, i'm probably gonna try to wake up early and start revising some more. although yes, i concentrate more outside of the house.

Poem for my O Levels.

on chilly Thursday nights like these;
is when i ponder hard about my studies.
the way it stands in a menacing stance;
how it threatens to take away my only chance.

ear sticks being fingered nervously;
thumbing through random pages of my diary.
it all starts on October the twenty-second;
what will i do with my life until then?

a day more of sitting through classes;
but will i really make full use of these lessons?
a week more of school days so free;
but will i really use the time to study?

so beautiful how everyone's working so hard;
how some were focused from the very start.
how some just started after a year spent on rest;
at least i can see them now doing their best.

in solitude under a random void deck;
keeping warm with knees close to the chest.
cigarettes and pens, the flow of thick black ink;
will i have the strength to swim, or will i just sink?

(C) Solitary Author @109blackaxes.blogspot.com

____

My haunting desire.

it started off as innocent as a good old movie with the blue tadpole. when we parted at the staircase by the traffic light which leads to DTE, that was when the nightmare really started.

first off, i kept seeing that long-haired lady in white at the corner of my right eye. she wouldn't disappear. all the way through, a bunch of guys at the opposite bus stop were singing very loudly to the tune of the birthday song; "happy Thursday to you.... happy Thursday to you..." over and over again.

unlike in the real song, the lines never changed their tune. it was all the same monotone which the first line of the song comes in, except that the pitch got lower with every "happy Thursday to you...." it was really creepy.

the next thing i knew, i was back in my own bed. i was seeing the exact same things which i was looking at before i fell asleep, yet i wasn't sure if i was really awake or not.

that was when my skirt started to rise by the hem, slowly... no matter how many times i smoothed it back down, it would rise back up, whether or not i was lying down. my dream self thought to herself: "there's something down there."

i started feeling a presence on my chest, something pushing down on my lungs from the outside. i was having difficulty breathing, and it felt so real. at this point, the line separating the real and dream worlds were blurry as fuck.

i saw something underneath the blanket, laying on my chest, something very much like a toyol. it was a greenish transparent, and it had a bald head and was extremely heavier than it looked. i couldn't get it off, it either refused to budge or my movements were being controlled by it.

i tried to scream too, but no noise came out. i remember having felt my mouth open but i couldn't make any sound. there was a part of me which wanted so much to scream some prayers but another part of me totally forgot everything.

when i woke up, i was once again seeing everything that i was before. i was either back to my bedroom in the real world, or i was there all along and that it was the creature that had disappeared. it was too hard and confusing to tell.

i couldn't stop saying my prayers when i was officially awake, when i realised i really wasn't in the dream anymore. [idk what's the english word for mengucap".]

i will never forget how i had struggled so badly in silence, as if it was a horror movie in mute. i couldn't move, i couldn't scream, i couldn't wake up. it was a really scary experience.

you know i've always had all kinds of strange dreams, but that was the first time i ever had one where i felt the physical pressure, and where the line separating dream and reality was nearly gone.

i've also mentioned that i had been thinking of sex a lot. that little mischievious thing that went up my skirt and wouldn't get off my chest is a little evidence that the dream is in regards to that.

the lady in white was probably a you know, those things which come back if they died pregnant. i'm too scared to mention the name now, my bad. maybe the little creature also symbolised a foetus. i don't know.

perhaps it is God's way of knocking some sense into me.

12 days more.

heidiho my Axes, how has everyone been doing? my concern goes primarily to those taking O Levels as well. how has your preparation been going?

i think it's best to study outside with a classmate. as i had mentioned before it's much better to be outside with someone who has been paying attention in class, instead of at home where there's nobody to ask if you've got questions.

what's more, there are distractions everywhere in your home. at least if you are outside, you're practically strapped onto that chair where you can study all you need.

i'm not sure about you guys but it's what i observed about myself.

so my study plan for the next two weeks are of course, study all out like fuck. teachers tell us not to burn the midnight oil, but i'm still gonna do that.

after all, i've always gone against their "don't sleep in class". i think i really have to repay all that time i've lost. in fact i think even if i were to study straight for the next few weeks without any sleep, it would still not be enough to make up for what i've lost.

i want to study hard because i'd like to get the course which i want; the only course which properly describes what i really want to do. its cut off points are 11, which makes going into this course a far-away dream judging from my current state.

but if i put in the effort for the next 12 days or so, then i'm very sure it would be possible.

who knows what 12 days can do? this is the time for me to make it... or break it.

don't feel dragged down just because time is running out. i used to wonder this: when people are on the edge, why do they think of falling? why do they never think of flying?

just because you are at the edge of the cliff, it doesn't mean you're gonna fall. stop to think for a moment and remember that you can also have a chance of flying suddenly.

Shoot.

Thank you.

i don't know how many times i've said i was going to move on. it's been 8 months since he walked away and out on me. i had stood there, watching his back, but he never turned back, not once.

perhaps that day's events were the determinant to our days following suit; while he continued on with his life, i stayed there staring at the spot where he had disappeared from a long time before.

it's funny how many things we can do despite staying in one spot.

i fucked things up with my family, my friends, my classmates. most of all i fucked things up with myself. i messed myself up, i isolated myself, thinking everyone didn't give a shit about me. i pushed everyone away; if they so much as to turn towards me, i run away.

yet when i was finally totally all alone, i wished for someone to give me the attention. by that time nobody cared about me anymore. i really felt so alone; even i had abandoned myself. who else were there to not give up on me?

i realise today that the simple answer to that question is: my classmates.

they have always been here. they cared about me but i was the one who withdrew myself from the company.   they've been through similar pain, and some of them had suffered even more than me. yet they're all going strong.

one day you're going to look back and ask yourself why you let one little fucker ruin your life.

open your eyes, see your surroundings. everyone cares about you. 

"they're here, but i'm not there". well, my dear readers. i think i'm going there now. i'm struggling to stand up, but at least now i know there are people who will be my pillars of support.

thank you, dearest 5/1.

They who extracted my respect.

lately i've been listening to more and more of Trapt. the memories that came with the tune, the pain that i feel when listening to the lyrics. they were all brought back up as Chris Taylor Brown's vocals hit me in the head.

no matter which song played, there's always something about it which describes an event in my life. "These Walls" reminds me of the fear i have of society; "Black Rose" of the way i treated my former self, the girl named Eindah Wrister; "Only One In Color" of the feelings i've had for the younger twin.

the very first Trapt song which i ever listened to was "Headstrong", and that was nearly three years ago. the younger twin was the one who introduced this song; in a way he was also who brought me to this band.

yet when i listen to these songs, i think of my own life more than i think of the memories with him. it's one of the few bands which don't remind me so much of him although he was the one who introduced them to me.

sometimes i feel like Trapt writes songs for me. i know it sounds silly, but that's how greatly their songs affect me.

"Love Hate Relationship" reminds me so much of this one boy in my life, whose stories are going to be badly intertwined with mine very soon if we don't stop what we're doing. we should stay away from each other yet... i don't know.

i've been confused about the relationship i have with this boy; i thought of him a lot ever since he came back into my life, and that was when the song came out. it totally rekindled my love for Trapt and their songs. it extracted twicefold of the respect i have for Trapt.

a few songs i would recommend you, that you would surely find meaningful if you bother about the lyrics: "Forget About The Rain", "Headstrong" and "These Walls".

it's okay if you don't understand the lyrics now. maybe in future when you're going through a rough time, listen to these songs again and you might get what they're trying to address.

Regrets are inevitable.

in life, there are always regrets. no matter which choice you make, you're still gonna regret something eventually, whether or not you did what you thought was right.

easy said, whatever you regret now, even if you had done what you think you should have, you're still gonna regret something anyway.

take the simple example of N Levels. you had two choices; sec 5, or ITE. you got stressed in the middle of sec 5, and you regret having chosen to continue doing O Levels. you regret, and you say, you should have gone to ITE.

then again, if you had really chosen ITE, maybe later on you look back and wish you had gone and tried O Levels instead, because you couldn't cope with ITE life either.

hmmm. i guess no matter what, regrets are still gonna come and haunt you. they are like a bunch of Zubats that are scattered around nearly every cave in every region, appearing before you every five steps.

sometimes you fight them, but sometimes you decide to run. you risk your party Pokemon's life if you fight them, yet if you run, you're depriving them of their experience points.

am i making sense? or maybe i'm not cause not everyone is a Pokemon fan. 

Yesterday oh yesterday.

it was our last P.E. together, and P.E. has always been the time of fun and enjoyment and bonding. i brought the camera which i had always used back then, to bring back the feel of 2011.

so yes, i recorded lots of shit! the best place to record from was behind Jingyu. the more dangerous it is, the more happening it is. and i guess that's a good tip for future videographers i guess, or journalists, heh.

i liked it when Faiz said "E'indah, do your thing!" but i hated it when he said "E'indah why never record!?"

hmmm. i am yet to edit the footage, cause i had a pretty long day yesterday. but i will, soon. and maybe i should also make a montage of some sort, and most of the videos from last year were from the P.E. period too.

went out again after school to meet with Jingyu on the bus to go to the airport for another study session. we spent a lot of time walking around to search for a place, because the Starbucks at T1 was full.

eventually we got a place at Starbucks T2, and we even got a place where she could charge her comp. but when we were ordering our drinks, the person said studying hours are over. hmmm.

we just bought our Caramel Hot Chocolate [introduced by Jingyu because i know nuts about Starbucks drinks] and smuggled them into the Maccy D one level below.

i got an Oreo cheesecake while Jingyu got Cinammon Melts, and only then did we finally took out our books and got focused. i did Chemistry while she, Geography.

i laughed a lot! Jingyu is definitely one pork chop. and i loved the parts where she couldn't see the Baphomet head in the Starbucks logo, but each time i look at it i instantly see it.

Jingyu: *stares* *squints* *brings further* i see nothing!!!
me: *looks* it's so obvious!!!

so earlier on at the Starbucks there was this guy who was like adik-adik as my mom would say, and he asked if he could use the socket. at that time i was reading my Pokemon comic and i heard him say to his friends, "eh kau tengok apa dia baca!" and they all laughed, thinking i didn't understand.

i told Jingyu about it, and i told her how sad i was that they laughed at me for reading Pokemon. she was like, "so what, he's a freaking gay." O GOSH XD

it got late, we had stayed there til around 10. i learnt a few new things about Alkanes and Alkenes as well as about Jingyu, cause we talked a little about each other too. story after story.

well then i guess that's it for now. i'd like to watch a few PewDiePie now. and i came to the conclusion that studying outside with a friend [who has been paying attention in class] is way better than studying to PewDiePie videos at home.

i love Pewds, but well. i have to love my studies too. they must never know about my relationship with the other. maybe Pewds can know about my studies but studies must never know about Pewds. in more ways than one.

BOYS BOYS BOYS! +barrel

each time i dressed up, something will always seem to go wrong somewhere.

i decided to wear out a skirt today, and was walking through a bunch of leaves by the mangrove when all of a sudden my ankles and feet were infected with dozens of RED ANTS.

i fucking screamed of course, what do you expect. and the bloody black tadpole gave me a silent laugh full of mockery, that damn barrel.

Black's been emotionless as of late, and i hardly see him smile too. but when he watched me shaking those ants off, i could almost see his eyes dancing with laughter, in addition to the smile that was forming at the side of his mouth.

well. as much as the damn ants freaked me out, i'm glad i witnessed that little fraction of a moment where he seemed like he wanted to laugh. although he is still a barrel.

two other significant moments made my day today: first, when Jingyu came over and told me that Cheng Yong [my classmate from 3/2 2010] said he read my blog and he thought my English was powerful.

second, when i went to the art room during free period after many eons of loitering around the school instead. Miss Chua had asked me how had my life been, and when i said t'was fine, she replied, "i like to see you smile. nobody should be able to take that smile from you."

it made me really sad to hear that.

and i missed being in the art room. all was crazy as always!

anyway, i have a crush! i went to Tamp in the evening to buy some Converse tees. i didn't have enough to satisfy the 2 for 29.90 promotion, but i still bought one. and that cute salesguy served me... again!

aaahhh he's as cute as ever x_x i love how he's just unable to stop smiling! and his teeth aren't so perfect either, which is just perfect for me {: and he was a blurblock at times, which is just so damn adorable x_x

he didn't seem to remember me, though. he still showed me the directions to the fitting room and cashier when he already did the first time we met. ):

i am going back soon to buy more tees. love Converse tees, they're very much like Ministry of Clothing though i still prefer the latter. and i wanna get the pair of pink sneakers, too. just beautiful.

so i think i'd like to go to a cold country someday, with a non-family member. maybe a foster brother would do, if you know who i mean.yeah, cause as i'd said; as much as i hate the cold, i need it in order to enjoy the warmth.

sex on a freezing night seems like a splendid idea, even though it requires clothes to be taken off. the irony.

Syamirul texted asking how Watch is [the one he got for my birthday]. ohhhhhh, yeah watch is fine baby, now aren't you gonna ask how the person is? oh and i've got a date with Had Rafael tomorrow evening XD



Lady Gaga's older songs were way better, in my very humble opinion. i still remember getting addicted to this song during a phone conversation with the younger twin (':

so ever since i withdrew myself from my classmates, i've been skipping school on PE days a lot. my reason was simple and that was because i didn't really want to interact with them. PE was always the time when we all bonded and stuff, when i couldn't run away by hiding in the corner of a classroom.

last week was my first time in a very long time going to PE and having fun watching my classmates play. tomorrow is the last PE we are gonna have, and... i regret not having tried earlier. 

 i love my classmates. i miss some of them here because they all decided to go on their own paths after N levels. but i wanna make sure i fully bond with the ones who have been in the same classroom as i have all these months of difficulty, before we all proceed to the seriousness of our O Levels.

The perfect drug.

yesterday my Maths teacher was talking about his O Level times, and everyone started questioning his age. he said, "oh, i'm only 27." to which my classmate Wei Liat replied; "oh you mean 72 ah?"

later on Mr Bernard had this super unneededly long story, starting because Wei Liat had said vulgar. i wouldn't type that whole story because you wouldn't get it; you had to be there.

that freaking exaggeration was funny in itself, and at the end of it all [which was many eons later] Mr Bernard said, "and by the time you get out of jail, you will already be 72!"

that was totally the icing on the cake! i think i was probably the only one who noticed and laughed about it though, sadly.

as for today, during English, i randomly told Ms Adimah that i wanted to eat during recess, but that i didn't dare go to the canteen alone. then she turned into a suspicious character, going on non-stop about her telepathic powers.

then Fazerah invited me to eat recess with her and her clique. which i did, and i tried to talk with them because i really missed interacting with them like in last year. but i don't think i did a good job earlier.

they were very entertaining though! the way they talked and all. and they asked me questions which i haven't been asked much lately, like which poly i wanna go, which course and all.

you know, i think i tend to have this issue where i mix English and Malay in a very horrible fashion when i get nervous talking.

we talked about sperm banks in Geography. mmmmmmmm. everyone was suddenly wide awake at this point, i swear.

o and that was my first time going to the board to write answers on my own accord, even though it was not much and i got called donkey for writing in light ink (:



new song from none other than Trapt. gotta loooooove Trapt, right?

i'm gonna blog about issues which you might find uncomfortable now. especially if you are pure and innocent and clean. okay brace yourself. i need to fucking get high right now. i've been thinking non-stop of sex ever since my 17th birthday, and this new song is fueling my desire for it. i know, i know i am fucking corrupted. i have been emotionally disturbed from a long time ago, and this getting sick in the mind was much expected already. this song also has a very deep significance to it, which is why it's affecting me more and more each time the song starts again. you, yeah you, you know who you are, you read the fucking lyrics. i hope you know what i'm going through, yeah you.and i hope you help me, in one way or the other.

i am done. i apologise, my Axes. i guess it's because i've been through shit and am also growing up.

thought you were the perfect drug; this time i think i took too much.