Pain.

i'm just studying peacefully at the kitchen table, as i was the whole day because nobody was in the house. she comes home and when she's in the kitchen, i happen to get tired. so i stare at my books and decide to pack up.

as soon as i make the decision, she yells at me that she wants to use the table. i don't respond and start to put a few of my pens into my pencil case. she comes to me and tells me to move away again, this time in an increased voice. so i answer, "yeah, i'm moving."

she yells again, "shut up! don't answer!" i give her my WTF look and says again, "i just said yeah i'm moving." and she practically screams for me to shut up. "don't raise your voice at me! NEVER raise your voice at me!"

i point out that i never did, and that she's the one raising her voice. "shut up! i am your parent, i am different! i am your mother!" i stop packing and stare at her. "what is your problem?" i ask. [note that i don't raise my voice, not one bit]

she loses it here. she stomps over and kicks the chair, throwing it against the iron board. she hovers over my laptop which is playing the soundtrack of To The Moon, and yells, "do you want me to throw this!? do you want me to throw this!?"

ah, fuck me. is all i can think of. i stare at the mess which her kick has made. i repeat, "what is wrong with you? what do you want from me?" somehow, asking her what's wrong is always what makes it wrong. if you get what i mean.

note. i have never raised my voice throughout her entire screamfest.

well, no worries. i continue packing while she continues screaming, and i stuff everything into my backpack just so i can get away from this faster.

when i get to my room, i start to cry. why does she hate me so much? is all i can think of.

i look at the butterfly that i had drawn on my left shoulder. it's my first butterfly from The Butterfly Project, and i've already made a pact not to cut myself. what's more, i've named it Natalee, after my very good friend who cares for me. i don't want it to die so quickly.

so i decide to do something else. i decide to draw on my wall, the space above my bed. that woman's voice rings in my head; you're crazy! delinquent! you son of a bitch! tears roll down my face but i try not to sob because it tells myself that i'm weak.

i want my foster brother here with me, but he's probably busy. and then i think of something else: tomorrow is Hari Raya Haji. why is she doing this to me tonight?

i make plans to run away from home in the early hours of Hari Raya Haji. i decide to draw myself on my wall with the words don't you dare miss me next to it.

this morning when i woke up, the first thing i do is take out my social studies and study. my bedroom light has blown and i can't study there which is why i'm at the dining table instead.

that woman has cooked dishes which i really like. i watch my little brother eat next to me and i really want some. i sneak a few bites of the rendang daging from his plate. when i want to get some for myself, that woman is practically watching the kitchen like a hawk.

in the end, i only manage to steal two pieces of fried chicken. well it's fine, i suppose. i do love chicken.

although it'd be nice to have a little of that ayam masak merah and that lontong and more rendang daging...

i continue to study.

here comes evening and she's asking my brother to ask me where is my baju kurung. i tell him i don't know, cos i really don't. she tells [no sorry, i mean yell.] she yells at me to search for it. i totally refuse because 1.i don't wanna follow them out. 2. i don't like her manners.

once again she loses it. she yells at me repeatedly, all of which i ignore. she runs to the room and gets something to hit me with, as she always does. but this time i don't shrivel from her threathening stance. maybe i've grown stronger.

i continue writing into my social studies notebook. "look at me! you look at me when i am talking to you!" she is not even talking, my dear Axes. she is yelling.

so i give her face anyway and look at her. my fringe is in the way and she can't see my eyes, i suppose, because she continues to shout, "i said you look at ME!" i say, "i am looking at you, what is your problem?"

"no, you are not! you are looking at my feet!"

for goodness sake, i am not.

she yells again, "i don't mind if your studies are bad, as long as you are not RUDE!"

"i was not being rude."

"YES YOU ARE!"

my goodness, who's the one being rude now!? she's the one yelling isn't she?

ah. the father decides to join in. "she thinks she's already smart just because she's taking her O Levels. she think she's good enough to step all over our heads now."

i've held it in, my dear Axes. but that. that makes me want to scream.

he continues, "just live with your aunt, please. i have no heart to look at you anymore. having you here just breaks my heart and irritates the hell out of me. you think you're good enough just because you're having your O Levels already."

you see? they don't know what i'm going through. yet they like to assume. both of them.

they think i'm cocky.

have i been cocky? i don't think so. i think i have been studying fairly hard enough.

why did he say that? did he really have to say that...?

they should be the ones who are always here for me.

when i write on a post it that my O Levels are coming and that i hope they'll give me the support, it got torn down from the fridge and into the rubbish bin.

and now they're breaking my hearts.

why do they not see that i'm really trying...? why is everything i do wrong in their eyes...?

maybe it's because my older brother is our mother's apple of her eye, while my younger brother is our father's baby. nobody dotes on me. they don't have time to tell me everything will be okay, because they're busy telling that to my brothers.

my brothers are wimps. maybe that's why they have to comfort them all the time and stuff...

this whole family is full of wimps! i have always been the black sheep and therefore i am not a wimp like them. i am the strongest girl in the world!

i hope to run away from this house. i don't know what else to do. i wish i have someone. i want to have someone who genuinely cares for me and for me alone.

i want to be someone's somebody... 

this really hurts so much... 

this loneliness eats into me everyday, 

it's just waiting to devour me whole right now.