lately, i've been getting texts and private messages on twitter and tumblr, from people telling me that they read my blog. some tell me to be strong, some tell me it's exactly what they've gone through themselves. some just wanted to commend on my English.
either way, i'm kinda glad that my writing is somewhat getting more recognition now. [isn't it? no?]
we shall start this post with way back in mid of this year. when i was still an island, in isolation away from my precious classmates. when i would sulk in the corner of the classroom and skip school on events like national day and teacher's day celebrations.
i detested going to school. it wasn't like the little kid's type of dont-wanna-go-to-school, you know? it was more than a dread. it felt like my life depended on my absence from school; if i went, i'd die.
i liked to skip school on Fridays, because it was the day of the week with P.E. i hated that lesson, because it was the time that everyone would be having fun with one another. something that i wouldnt be part of.
another reason was because it would remind me of the times back in 4/2 last year when i would always join in the fun. whenever i see the classmates enjoying themselves, i'd always cry.
then came the Friday where i decided to go to school. one of my classmates decided to come and talk to me during P.E. she asked me why i left my clique, and we both had a conversation. the day before, we had one, too. it was considerably pretty rare.
and then she asked me if i would like to study with her the next day. of course i agreed. after the P.E. for that day, i felt a little lighter. it felt like i had the courage to talk with my classmates again.
sometime later after that week, my other classmates invited me to join them for recess. it probably seemed random, but i was happy as hell.
i usually hid in the classroom during recess and sleep no matter how hungry i was, because i just didn't want to go to the canteen alone. that was probably one of the reasons why i lost a lot of weight this year.
it was probably thanks to that invitation to recess that i started going to school a lot more frequently. recess with my classmates was what stopped my starving, my loneliness, and the negligence in my studies. it didn't feel like school was hell anymore.
on the last day of school, my home tutor called me out of the classroom in the middle of her lesson. the first thing she asked me was; "E'indah do you want to go to the Graduation Nite?"
if it wasn't for that last few days that i had talked with my classmates, i would have shook my head for an answer. but thinking back, to how my last week of school had changed so drastically, i nodded my head instead.
my home tutor told me that i have a Poor conduct grade and that i was not invited, because of that. a part of me expected that, but my heart still broke a little inside.
she continued, "but you want to go right?"
i said, "yes. because i have my classmates."
she smiled and said, "Mr Syafie said that you can come..." my eyes lit up and she laughed. "cause i told him how you have been coming to school more frequently these few days."
"really? i can come???"
"he said so. but we have a condition for you... you'll have to help out with the preparation for the grad nite itself." she explained that i had to help out with the stuff like decoration, and all that stuff, you know? and then i'm invited.
right afterwards, i was joining my classmates for recess again, and they happened to talk about grad nite. i told them the news, and i was super excited. we were already talking about the dresses and heels and shopping trips!
now here i am, in the middle of my O Levels. grad nite is about three weeks away and since we end our exams a little earlier than some, we've time to get ready for it and all.
i do want to go to this event. in the past, i had the mindset where i didn't have a need to celebrate my last year of school because it sucked. but now... i really want to go to this event with my classmates. with my 5/1.
this is the problem...
every morning, when i stare in the mirror, at my bare self. the only thing i can focus on is my left shoulder.
i started cutting my shoulder in early May this year. i felt so high looking at all the cuts, the lines and streaks of blood down from my shoulder to my elbow. i thought they were beautiful. they were proof that i was alive. i really thought that.
i cut frequently ever since my first time. mostly i did it when i just felt lonely, but i did it after my parents beat me up too, which they did a lot because i kept refusing to go to school.
as for now, all i can say is, i cut lesser than back then. maybe because i found a new tension-reliever in smoking. the last time i cut was last, last Thursday, the 18th. after my Science practical exam.
i don't know why i stopped bothering to hide them. i used to cut higher, so even short sleeves could cover the cuts. but over time, i cut lower and lower, and never covered them all the time. maybe i just wanted someone to notice. i don't know.
know what's the Butterfly Project? it's something i found on Tumblr. if you have the urge to cut, draw a butterfly at the spot instead. you name it after someone. if you cut again before it disappears, it dies. if you do not until it fades away, it lives.
you may think it is not brilliant... but it helped me. the first time i tried it, i didn't cut even though my mother started thrashing out her anger on me again right afterwards. instead, i drew on my wall.
my point is... it's bad enough that my parents have been disappointing and upsetting me a lot during my O Levels period. if they keep this up, i might cut all the way til Grad Nite.
and i do want to dress up for my graduation night. but these scars...
they don't stand out so much in photos. but through the mirror, they're the only things i see. i feel ugly. i used to think the cuts were beautiful, but i think their scars are just plain ugly now.
all i can hope for is for me to never cut again til after Grad nite. or maybe for the rest of my life too. but with all that is going on right now, i'm not sure.
if i can control these tendencies til then and afterwards, i'll have everyone to thank for. because i think if i hadn't been invited to grad nite, i wouldn't have reason to stop cutting. i don't know.
but if something happened on the day before Grad Nite that were to make me cut... i don't know. i really want to go to this event. and i don't want to look ugly for it.
thank you for taking the time to read this. i just felt like i needed to blog it out, because unlike my diaries, these entries have an audience... i just wished people would listen to me; hear me out.
i don't know what will happen after i Publish this, but whatever it is... i have my own two feet.
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