dejection.

heidiho.

damn sad right now actually. shall get to tht soon. we go thru the whole day first, cos the sad part only came when i was otw home.

was all ready and went to my mom's bedroom telling her tht imma be leaving now, then she told me to run her some errands. thts one thing abt her, she's always very last minute. imma be like "mummy im gg off now." and shebe like "alamak can buy me smth first anot? urgent la."

so was late in meeting shad, like dammit. i actually was abt to leave early cos i wanted to be there before him, but my mom made me be late again, like damn. o well.

was walking to prp cos tht was where we wanted to go but in the midst it started drizzling so we went to take one round of 358 to go ws. then blah3, shad was wondering whether to get double chicken mggrill or double mcspicy.

i was like, get ur usual. then he said he'd get the double chicken mggrill. i was like ok, and we went in. he ordered first, and when i heard him say double mcspicy i was like -________- he turned and was like i get my usual ! and he was like so happy.

talked many random topics while eating, we were ninjas jumping from one subject to another, as always. o and at one point, shad laughed suddenly, i forgot what happened uh. but i loved tht laugh!

saw sherlyn, jaslyn and huiyu. when i saw jaslyn i was like shit, i have a lot to tell her. cos she always wanna know everything abt my love life. and i saw her looking at me with tht "young lady, you have some explaining to do" look. heheheh.

eons later went to take da train to tamp cos he was gg gym. he told me tht i dont hafta ask permission to go anywhere, heheheh. unless it is some life endangering thing.

and then he gave me a notebook O: i love it so much. better write in it with my best handwriting, gosh. it is so damn precious.

so well anyway. woah! where's the little thingy tht looks like an I whenever i hover my mouse over the text box? it's missing! it's missing! woah, this looks weird. it looks incomplete sia! hahahaah!

o where was i.

o yesssss, stopped by 7-11 cos shad wanted to buy water, and guess what? there were 11 big chicken paos like omg! but didnt have much money so i just stood there staring while waiting for the boy to buy his wata.

sent him to gym and waited with him for the sec 5 faris. talked more, and i laughed also, but cant rmb why. damn irshad is bloody cute yet handsome at the same time sia. i'm so proud of myself to have him as my boyfriend. heheheh!

aft the sec 5 faris came, said bye and then made my way to tamp mrt. at pasir ris interchange, waited eons for the bloody 403 to come. finally it did and then alighted right at the end to meet siying.

met up with her at this empty road, she ran towards me like those types of reunion in movies, except i didnt have a whit of emotion on my face while she had this huge smile on hers.

so followed her back to the chalet, and k la, not much ppl were there. saw nicholas yeo, the express dude who was in fencing with me back in 2008. he was nice, and i cant believe he still is despite me being a betrayer, heh.

went to breakwaters with asleah and siying, and caught up on each other's lives. been awhile since the three of us gathered tgt, we've been so busy working. i loved tht little chat we had by the waves, me, siying, and asleah. :3

eons later, timothy wanted to scare us but he failed ! then went to the playground near the chalet, playing nerfs with asleah, timothy, nicholas yeo, syafiq, with jingming and edmund joining later. we all kept headshot each other, omg damn fun/funny sia .

then went back to chalet to slack, went to the bedroom and slack while listening to random songs blasting on frederick's speaker. blasted some of the new trivium songs tht i got from irshad :3

ok uh, slacked a lot. k, im too lazy to blog alr. let the pics do the talking, hehehehe.








then many many eons later, i made my way out on my own cos siying was too lazy to send me out. wanted to listen to some music to drown the silence out, but then i was like, nah, what if some dude creeped up on me or smth. and then i was like safety over fear.

everything was fine til i dropped off at my stop.

i saw ivan chin. he was a very very good friend of mine in pri sch, damn a lot memories, all the fun stuff and all the shit. and his mommy was there too, i loved his mommy and she's always laughing whenever she sees me. when was the last time i saw them?

so i was abt to wave, when the mommy looked at me, and gave me tht look of disgrace.

she didnt recognise me. usually she would be like Hey! and ask me how's stuffs. i thought maybe it's ok, so i turned to look at ivan instead. he gave me a glance, and looked away.

i felt so fucking dejected.

well it's alright. walked away feeling so damn fucking disappointed, pet some of the market cats but i didnt stay long. when i reached home, just dumped my keys by the table and stomped off in fronta the mirror and was like, "do i look so damn different right now...?"

what a way to end the day tht started off so well. o well... pri sch is all past memories. right.?



this notebook is damn precious to me right now. it's smaller than the rest, and it's still empty, but it's still very very important and has memories alr. heheheh. thank you irshad !

o, and im gg out with azreenie tmrw! gonna follow her search for a job :3

we were running away last night.

idk from what, or who, or where we were going . but we were running. and we were hiding.


k this song suits the atmosphere of running.

ok so well anyway. i am talking abt last night's dream. i rmb most of it alr, but idk how to put it in words... it was one of the places where i went to on resident evil 5. i was with irshad, and if i aint wrong his twin was there too.

k ah, we were like running and hiding. and then at one point, we were lingering at the place whee i was slacking at ytd during my break. cool sia, ytd i was staring at the place, thinking how to get up there via parkour, then last night i dreamt of it.

ok, nvm. this shall be a randomly short post. cos i really dk how to put it in words. but there was one part where irshad was begging me to pleasure him. k dah, tht is all for now, no pic of me cos this post too short, i guess?

look what i did on da mirror! heheheheh.



irshad: ok, i shall be making my way to your place now. see ya! ^^
me: okay, take
*muhammad irshad noorhalim appears to be offline*
me: okay, take fuck you!

FIRETRUCKING SMALL, SMALL, WORLD.

so here is the deal.

let's start off with my own boyfriend. his uncle is muzzy, who happens to know hakim, who is my pri sch friend. i once asked hakim how he knew muzzy, he said muzzy is his friend's friend. turned out, tht mutual friend of theirs is nazrul.

i happen to work at EK with farhan and benna, who happen to be friends with hakim and nazrul. and nazrul happens to be muzzy's friend, and muzzy happens to be the uncle of a pair of twins who were in my sec sch, which brings the circle back to me.

wanna add more? my cousie aidil lives nearby muzzy, and they do know each other. AND, my cousins maya and aidil had same tuition as muzzy when we were all primary fives. mmhmm. tht last part, i just knew early this year, it shocked me like hell.

firetrucked right !

just so you know, i aint obsessed with work. i just love my job. thts an entirely different thing. no matter where i go uh, be it sec 5 or ite, im still gonna study very very hard. tho idk for what, for my future, ah whatever. imma just gg to study hard. o yes, FOR MY PARENTS.

uhm. my parents really love me a lot, and i love my parents a lot, no matter what shit happens. they want me to study hard, so, so be it. k nvm, shall talk more on this topic some other time!



let's end every post with a picture of me from now on! we'll see who truly deserves to be a lan of this bloggie, heheheheheh. let's see how long you can cope seeing my bloody face. siying confirm surrender three blog posts later.

love you all !

currently tengan merajuk. dont ask why. i shall just blog abt today in the normal tone.

woke up in the morn, went to do all the usual morning stuff, wanted to eat smth, heeding shad's advice, but i couldnt find anything light, so i just went off to the bus stop with just clorets. i was just on time today, not early like i always am.

was playing with my (shad's) hoodie zip when nazrul saw me, i was like woah, hi. then i thought he went off alr, but in the midst of my humming i realized tht he was still there, staring at me, so i was again like woah, hi.

today's am shift is with suriani, haryani, changyuan, and nazrul. i got ball pool, aft arranging the stuff in a more presentable way, went over to the other stations to disturb the rest. then i went to AH to disturb suriani.

i regret, cos she told me to go up one round. i was watching changyuan swing from one stop to another, i told suriani i wanted to try tht. along came haryani and nazrul. then the former went to disturb suriani and changyuan who were on AH.

nazrul asked me whether i am muzzy's cousin. i said no. hahahahaha.

then haryani and suriani came over to me and told me to go up one round. i made the former go first, and the latter aft me, heh. suriani was able to wear the child harnest sey! woah!

ok uh, aft haryani went, i made my step. was almost reaching the next stop when my foot slipped and i was screaming for my life! (at this point of time, EK hasnt opened, so there aint anyone, thts why we were all fooling around)

i didnt want to move sia, my legs were caught in a very awkward position. haryani tried to grab me but i didnt want to let go of the safety wire. suriani said i was like a cat mewing -___-

by the time i was safely put in the next stop, haryani and suriani was laughing so i couldnt help laughing as well. though it was scary , it was funny too! nazrul was laughing as well, and during the time i was hanging on, changyuan was there too and i know he couldnt tahan his laughter.

ok uh, in the end i did complete AH like finally! although it was damn scary, but it was a new experience la. thanks to haryani and suriani ! o and one part, haryani tossed me from one stop to another, tht was damn bloody fun sia!

next time imma swing like changyuan (;

and then ppl started coming in, so went to our respective stations. i bruised the area above my shin. there's no visible bruise yet la, but the pain is there.

today i got damn pissed at this one kid who seriously wanted to irritate the shit out of me. good thing i controlled tht anger, mindset mindset. and someone puked in the ballpool. had to call the cleaner and then had to prevent kids from gg in.

during my break, went to buy OCK, sat at staircase texting, before making my way to mac's to get myself a coke to drink on while staring at the big fish. heh, the first time i saw tht fish was on... 17th july, and i was like in love with it :3

not only was it big, but it was damn fast ! hehehe.

ok well anyways, made my way back to work, hoping irshad would make it. took over my station again, cos syafiq was covering me. and then in the midst, received a text from irshad saying he wont be able to make it.

idk why uh. but i cried. i fucking cried at my effing workplace sia, bloody hell.

thankfully it was just a few mins, i picked myself up again and went to scold some annoying kid who was tossing them balls outta the pool. but still couldnt help feeling real sad.

at 3.30 plus, was talking to suriani and syafiq who were at AH, when i saw some kid tossing balls out again. went to scold, and then went to pick up the balls cos i kasi muka (if not i would have asked him to pick up) .

then when i turn around, i saw some dude sitting at where i was sitting at earlier, staring back at me. i was stunned, cos i didnt see him come at all, so i stared back at him. then i tilted my head and frowned and was like, "who are you?"

he was like, "bennicker." and i was like o! so quickly picked up all the balls and went over to him. then taught him some of the basic ballpool stuff. didnt realize it was 4 til suriani told me! so said bye to her cos she was extended til 6, and syafiq who was doing midshift.

went to entrance where haryani, nazrul and jinghui were at, helped them with more of the envelope stuff, before gg to clock out with nazrul. haha he funny la, so clueless. scolded him cos he didnt turn off the walkie when someone was communicating, which meant a sudden outburst in the silent ops office -____-

went gr office, slacked awhile, asked why he added me on fb (he did, right aft the penin trip with shad and muzzy) and then he said it was a random add. so typical uh.

walked out, said bye, and at this point of time, i actually looked around for irshad. idk, i thought he would be giving me a surprise visit and tht the text saying he couldnt make it was just a joke. but nope. nada.

idk ah, i damn sad abt it sia! wanted to see him so damn badly, it's been a week since i last saw him. i cried some more at the bus stop, so silly i know. idk la eh. -__________________-

wanna shee my bloody face?

here i bring forth some pictures i took of myself, in year 2010, the time when i didnt have cammie . it's up to you to look at them or not, cause aft all it's me, i am not like other girls who look pretty in their pics. i still love myself tho.

and i AM bored.






wheeeee im having lots of fun~











this became a memory lane of some sort.
--------------------------------
woah, i just realized smth.
was there really a point in my life tht i had my fringe cover my LEFT eye? i dont rmb any shit like tht. woah. woah, wtf. omg.

mind-firetrucked...

YOUR SMALL, SAD, WORLD.

heidiho, another day at work-o!

met up with haikal before work, chatted with him and caught up on each other's lives, at mccafe. he took a long time to find the place cos he hasnt been there for so long alr, so silly!

talked abt many random shit, as always, and then left mccafe at 11:55. i liked the look on his face when i asked him whether he like to go up the down travellator. hahah!

hmm what next? started work as always, jasleena DM said she called me and spammed me texts cos she thought i didnt turn up, hah! today i got ballpool for the first half, covered breaks for pushpa and benna.

today was another good day at work. talked with more of the ppl whom ive seen before but never had the changce to converse with. did these envelopes thing, which was pretty fun. spent my whole shift doing tht same thing over and over again, fun jugak sey.

went for my break, was walking to mac's when i saw jiajing, so i asked him what time he break. said he just started, so i was like o aw man so i just went on ahead on my own.

dropped some cheese onto my uniform! went toilet to wash it off, by the time i got back to work, the stain was disappearing alr, heh. got back and traded stations with benna cos she was doing full shift.

before she went to her station, we talked awhile, she seems like a laid back chick who doesnt care what ppl think of her, heh. and damn, her eyes! so damn attracting X:

some time later she went off, so i went to my own station and attended to the things la, as always. wrote in my diary too, wrote a lot today! cos i was so damn sleepy, not many ppl attended my station, had to find ways to keep myself awake.

farhan disturbed me a lot today. he made fun of my (lack of) smile, haha. oh and jennifer passed me by when i was sulking at ballocity, third time alr! same spot, same look on her face, same quick smile i flashed. but this time she pinched my arm.

so when it was finally 8, just nice i was done with the last batch of envelopes, so went to megaplay, talked with chang yuan, telling him to go to ballocity cos i was gg home, then went to clock out.

the new kid seriously looked familiar sia. when i was covering farhan and the new kid for entrance, i saw a sheet of paper tht belonged to the new kid. his name was written at the corner, which was "nazrul". i tried to recall , but nth came.

when clocking out, when to check my schedule, saw the new kid is gonna be working with me tmrw, so imma talk with him more then.

went to gr office to take my stuff before gg back to entrance to say bye to farhan and new kid. farhan stared at me like whaaat is she up to, and then he was like, "setakat cakap bye je!" hahaha.

truth is, everytime i end my AM/mid shift, i will go to whoever is dg entrance just to irritate them, say tht im gg home alr. nasty lil grinch right? (ala syeera)

when saying bye to them, went to new kid and was like, hi whats ur name. he was like, nazrul. i was like, how old are ya. farhan was like, 16 la, oy go home la! then nazrul interrupted me by saying, "you were the one with muzzy tht time right?"

i was like, "OH YEAH! O NOWANDA YOU LOOK DAMN FAMILIAR LA!" then i had a effing shocked face, then farhan was like, "eh relak ah, kau nak guitar untuk hentak per?" funny shit! i just stood there laughing then he was like, "eh kau pergi balik! jalan keluar, senyum lebar-lebar!"

then went to haryani , said bye to her also, and then i made my way to the bus stop, where the bus took an extremely long time to come.

today was another good day at work. i really love the ppl there. i wish we can all bond tgt someday... like watch movie or smth. hehehehe. of cos, i'll have to work harder then.

so right now, fb and twitta is kecoh with a sec 1 girl named syirah insyirah.

truth be told i usually aint bothered with girls like these, but i cant help it. if a crowd is in my way, i'll just see what the commontion is abt uh. and i still dk whats gg on.

but, im only sure of one thing : i cant wait to graduate sia.

me witnessing these exchange of insults, this hurling of words and hatred towards one girl, it makes me wanna grab my things, grab my people and run far away from here.

by my people, i mean the 2011 cohort and esp my 4/2 classmates. by 'here', i mean from PRCS.

now i cant wait to graduate. now im more sure tht i wanna go to ite rather than spend one more year in tht sch with no more familiar faces, and with those bloody faces.

i dont wanna be the most senior in tht sch and to witness all these social shit happening, and i'd be expected to do smth abt it, but i know i cant.

watching all the ppl from 2011 cohort behaving so normally, like nth is gg on with the juniors, it kinda scares me. it makes me wanna run off from this place...

thts all for tonight.

heidiho! how do you like tht little moving pic at the side? heh. well it aint complete though, cos i still dont have any pics of me and other ppl whom i love, like the kids at EK :3

anyway, a short update. went to w/s with naz earlier, ate kfc and then read at the lib. i loved tht short trip, cos we bonded, and i like the part at the lib when we kept panicking whenever we saw librarian, cos we were sitting on the floor infronta a sign which says not to, heh.

borrowed a book abt urban legends, cos i read the teen romance sequel til the end. heh. okkk, wanna go play PS3 now, waiting for my irshad to wake up uh.

my best friend.

THAT is my best, best friend.

i met her nearly 4 years ago, but it feels like ive known her way longer than tht. i dont rmb the first time i ever talked to her, or what we used to talk abt, but i rmb when it was, which is home econs in sec 1.

she was my partner, and when she had on the cap, her face looked so damn malay. i rmb thinking to myself, how come ive never seen her in my mother tongue class? and i thought she looked pretty actually.

she's a damn funny person, although i used to think tht her jokes hurt my feelings a lot. we argued a lot in sec 1, first was abt a guy and second was abt a girl. (danish and priscilla...) tht was all silly, but it's good cause in the end our friendship just got stronger.

my friendship with her is another example of 'pull back, pull apart, again and again', cause tht was really how we were thru out the years.

in sec 2, she was the one who spent the most time with me. i confided in her a lot, we gossiped abt the same ppl and had the same stuff to say, and we had a lot in common. of course, most of the time we did disagree on some stuff la.

she spent every birthday with me. on my 13th, she was the one who patted my head when i recalled my older bro beating the crap out of me. she comforted me when asleah and farizah had st john stuff and couldnt spend the time with me.

on my 14th, she brought me shopping to bugis with her sister. she got me a book which ive always wanted before tht, and i still have it on display.

on my 15th, she taught me to cycle. at least tried to, cos i failed. i let her down then, but she still says she aint gonna stop teaching me the ways of the bike. sweet of her cos she just learnt a few months before she wanted to pass whatever knowledge she has to me.

on my 16th, she bought me pizza. she had asleah, shushan and my then bf to come over as a surprise, which was damn sweet.

she's been thru my crap the most. she was there thru all the brothers shit, thru all the guy shit, thru all the gossip shit, thru all the director shit, thru all the suicide shit. just all the shit. she's probably had enough eons ago, but she still tolerated.

i also wanna apologize to her. all this while ive always neglected her. siying, i know i aint there for you enough, because now we have jobs, and i have a boyfriend.

but i also wanna thank you, for giving me a lot. you gave me love, care, concern, hope, patience, and even when you scold me and hit me and called me idiot, it was all to get the sense knocked into my head.

thank you for being so bloody worried tht night when MKI called you, and for even telling my dad and bro abt it. for chasing aft me and pulling my hand when i cried on grad nite. for RD-ing with me, for laughing at my lame jokes, for pretending not to know me when i embarrass you in public, for letting me laugh and cry all i want.

thank you for all the memories, for the sleepover, for playing PS3 with me when my bro dont wanna, for letting me tell you all the sexy time stuff, for laughing at me instead of scolding me like what i thought you'd do. and i not only love you, i love your family too.

thank you for everything, this is for my very very best friend, the best friend of all my best friends: Loh Si Ying.

















imma stick with this girl for the rest of my life, no matter what, heheh!

last night was located at ehub carpark rooftop.

and who was there but all seven of my best friends :3 asleah, farizah, pearl, priscilla, sabrina, shushan and siying. it was nighttime and idk why ah, but the 8 of us were there, slacking and all. heheh. tht's damn rare in real life btw, fyi. right siying?

well anyway, currently i only rmb a few details uh. like farizah saying, "if we were able to rent a double decker bus, i'd drive it right here and throw a party in it!" at tht very second i thought it was a great idea, but of course we couldnt :3

we were all taking a parking lot each, lying down staring at the sky and just talking. i cant rmb what we were talking abt tho. but i rmb lying between siying and priscilla.

at one point we all sat up and gathered cos pearl wanted to tell ghost stories. we were sitting in a cozy little circle, and pearl was starting on her story when mrs sherri appeared.

she told us to clean up the mess tht we made with our stuff at our respective parking lots. we made it like our own house sey, serious shit, i saw the mess. at tht point in time pris was next to me, and then she pointed at siying and said, "you're kira arent you? go clean the mess!"

siying was standing up, but she also wanted to argue im sure, when mrs sherri broke into story mode.

she told us abt this boy, who was doing N levels. he was an art student, and he 'walked out on art, shut the door behind him, at 3PM', and according to her the N level art was at 3.30.

i had a flashback at tht point, and the boy literally walked out and shut the door behind him.

we were all staring up at mrs sherri, and then she said, "when he got his results, he just needed one more mark, and then he was able to go to sec 5. it was thanks to his walking out on art tht he went to ite."

she walked away mumbling smth, and then we were all like staring at each other... and then we went to clean up our stuff.

well anyway, a very very good morning to you all, although it is alr afternoon. what are my plans for today? nazriq just invited me go to whitesands to slack with him, how am i supposed to reject tht? this is a rare invitation nowadays.

idk when, but i wanna bring irshad to WW one day, i really wanna. he's not been there before, so i really wanna bring him there.

aside from tht, ive been thinking of the dream, and i think it's a really sweet one. first things first the 8 of us spending time like tht tgt. secondly, mrs sherri giving us encouragement thru stories. thirdly, it made me think more abt my decision between sec 5 and ite.

idk, i really dk.

i should be grateful tht i am an NA student and tht i have at least the opportunity to do my Os. damn, i know ive said i'll go to ite if i get 15 or above, and tht i'd go to sec 5 if 14 or below. but somehow it feels kinda wrong.

anyhoos. tmrw imma be working from 12-8, and 9.30-4 on tuesday. anybody wanna slack with me before/aft? quick, answer answer !

i kinda feel tht my workplace is the only place of solace i have nowadays. it's like, i love the ppl there, and i love my job. i feel like ive known them all for very long, and i feel like they're the only ppl ive ever known all my life.

it really feels like tht. even my classmates, aft grad nite it doesnt feel like tht anymore...

................... i need room to breathe.

a dream.

slept thru the afternoon and evening. as always, i dreamt.

it's abt this girl. who's like living in a room without walls. a house without walls. two guys wanted to build walls for her. in this dream, i was one of the guys. the taller one.

well anyhoos, the other guy was sort of my travelling companion and we just bumped into tht girl in one of the places tht we were walking thru. i dont remember what she was doing when we first saw her, but the companion and i saw her always staring at her house whenever she came to talk to us.

when she walked away, companion and i decided to build walls for her house.

we found some walls, idk what the material was... but it must have been something fragile cos i told companion (we shall just call him C) not to let it drop cos it'll break. of course, he did break a wall at one point, but i dont rmb my response to tht.

while we were transporting the walls, C found this piece of glass, which had letters on them. it looked like it belonged to another piece of glass tht was on one of the walls, but another piece was still missing when i placed the existing 2 pieces tgt. get it?

well anyway, we were almost done with the walls, C was putting up the last one when the girl came back. she saw her house, got this wide-eyed look on her face and then she started screaming.

she came towards her house, touched the walls of her house. i was watching her fingers run over the pieces of glass tht had letters. and then she said, "i dont believe tht strangers like you would help me. even my father and my scary mommy wont do this for me."

and then she looked up, at us, and continued, "i have three sides to me, only they have seen this third side of mine. tht is why they dont accept me as their child." and then she started crying, these tears just flowed down her face.

at tht point of time i thought to myself, tht the three pieces of glass represented those 3 split personalities, and the letters made up her name. and then i thought of the words 'scary mommy'.

i woke up aft tht, and i couldnt stop crying. was crying them eyeballs out while texting irshad. i know what the dream means, i know what its tryna say. but idk why its saying all tht to me.

firetrucked...

somehow this song suits the atmosphere of sunrise.

the light is flooding my room! slowly, but surely! what a beautiful morning, a very very good morning to all of you out there ^_^

the different kinds of 'miss'.

sigh. i miss irshad.

this feeling always comes unexpectedly. i've missed him a lot. i missed him when he was my best friend, i missed him when he was my brother, i missed him whenever he aint with me, i missed him when he was with his ex, i missed him when i was with my ex, i missed him when he's mine, and i miss him.

of course, i have to be grateful. they say the kind of 'miss' tht hurts the most is if he's right there but he can't be yours anymore. but truth be told, to me, the 'miss' tht hurts the most is the coincidence type.

for example, ytd. when i was at work, irshad was watching movie. idk at where la, but if let's say he was at the cinema above my workplace all along, tht'd be damn sad. cause we were nearby, but we still didnt get to see each other.

another example is trains. you sat there waiting, for hours, just waiting for tht special someone to turn up. you sit by the clock, staring at it occasionally, just waiting. when you finally decided to get on the train, sighing, hauling all your stuff bcos you're gonna be staying someplace faraway,... there he/she comes, just as the door closes.

i am speaking from experience.

those kinda coincidences hurt a lot, esp if you wont see each other again aft tht. tht's the kind of 'miss' tht is most painful.

the time now is 0604.

i wanna slack with them twins someday. like last time. feels so long ago. and ive not talked with 'irfan for quite some time alr, feel like wanna catch up or smth. truth be told, during the trip to penin, if he was there i bet he'd talk to me while shad and muzzy were talking.

well. i am bored right now. idk what are my plans for today and tmrw. ive got the weekend off before working for two days straight, mid and then am. when we were writing the scedule request, i actually requested for three days straight but i only got 2. o well.

listening to more than alive right now, im always dancing to myself whenever this song is on. it suits as bg song for a viary episode tht involves playing in the rain, idk why. in my opinion la. thts why i wanna play in the rain asap, just so i could use this song.

as silly as it sounds, it's still smth tht i wanna do.

ive always had weird ambitions la eh. once, i wanted to RD in the hallway with the other 4/2 ppl on the last day of sch (for us) , hiding our faces and then just disappearing. but then some goody two shoes ex boyfriend of mine said things like dont be stupid la, dont embarrass me, later ppl will ask me why you like tht, go concentrate on studies la you all and all tht crap, which just spoilt the bloody mood.

i bet z classmates would have enjoyed it if tht plan went on procedure. o well.

i was deprived of a lot when i was in the previous relationship. i feel a lot like a cat who's out of the cage right now. i do have an owner, a sweet boy who loves me very much, but i still have freedom to run around the house, or outside, and to play with the things tht i find.

in the previous relationship, i was in the cage. the door was open but the boy lingers outside, making sure i stay inside. he only looks in and pets me occasionally, petting and talking to me. if i go deeper into the cage, he panics and pulls me out so tht he can see me clearly.

yes, it really felt like tht...

but it's ok now right...? the boy i have now is the sweetest most kindest person i will ever be with right? in fact, he'll be who i'll be with for the rest of my life right?

i hope so.

was sleeping, was dreaming even.

and then without warning, it went pitch black. a little voice told me not to open my eyes, but the voice tht told me to open them must have been louder because in the end i did. and then i was in my room, up and insomniac.

and the song tht was playing in my head (so most probz it was playing in my dream as well) was 'when they come for me'. which drives my imagination insane.

let's share the dream i had shall we.

currently only rmb a little section. there must have been more before this, but of course, i dont rmb yet. i was with natalee, and she was saying to me, "i've heard of a girl who was with a boy for one year..."

along came, uhm, damn idk how to address her. i still have no rights to address her name. uhm, k we go by initials, along came NAH , in a car. i saw her, and then i interrupted natalee: "or more like, almost two years."

for some reason it silenced natalee, and then suddenly she and i were staring at the car NAH was in, and then nat was like, "shit....."

and then i dont rmb what next abt tht segment. another segment was a sorta like camp or somewhat like tht. i rmb getting up from a bed in this wooden cabin, and stumbled out the little door to be greeted with the beautiful sun in my face.

i saw some 4/3 ppl , and then one of them whom ive forgotten who, pointed over his shoulder and said, "they're all waiting for you!" i was confused cos i just woke up [in the dream] but i still went to the direction where he pointed, slowly...

as i walked, i rmb taking in my surroundings. i was walking this lane, not tht wide but no too narrow either, gg in deeper and deeper into the line of cabins. at one point, without warning i turned in. to the left.

there was a cabin tht was bustling with ppl , as i got closer i saw tht they were my classmates. felt a sense of relief, but then suddenly they screamed. yes my classmates screamed at the sight of me. all of them who were outside ran into the lighted cabin, screaming.

well for some reason i walked to tht cabin as cool as a cucumber, wanted to see why everyone was screaming but when i walked thru the door, i saw tht the people who screamed when they saw me earlier werent there.

oh! i rmb smth. before the screaming part, i saw farizah. she was wearing the red tee tht asleah and i got her for her 14th birthday, and when i asked her where she was going, she answered angrily, "i dont know! go there, they're waiting for you!"

yeah, then where was i ? oh then the people who screamed werent in the cabin when i reached. only a few who were like seated at these tables and chairs. i saw the usual girls, asleah, pearl, priscilla, shushan and siying.

i took a seat and said hello to everyone, priscilla was tryna get my attention and then when i finally looked at her she waved with this really sweet natural smile, and then i was like Hey!

i danced in my seat a lot, i remember smiling really widely a lot. if i dare say, i would say i was the one who lighted up tht little cabin. maybe tht was why they were all waiting for me, cos they were relying on my positivity.

oh, halt! no shit, i rmb the ppl who screamed alr. i rmb jingyu and tarmizi. k, i think i know what the dream is tryna mean alr.

well tht is all i rmb. and in the meantime, i still cant sleep despite it being half past 5 in the morning.

it's damn boring, the fact tht i always wake up earlier than irshad every morning, even aft a night of insomnia. like, i cant sleep, and then fell asleep at like 6, but when i wake up again aft tht, i still would have woken up before irshad. damn boring you know =.=

it's just damn saddening to not wake up to a good morning text since he awakens aft me all the time. o well, at least i know tht he wakes up to a good morning text every morn. he happy, i happy, the whole world happy.

ohhh i love my job !

had this song stuck in my head all day today.

heidiho lans! i just realized tht if you guys dont mind being called a lan, then you really deserve being the rare few who know this bloggie of mine. k. nvm, let's get started !

didnt get much sleep, idk why. and for some reason i was damn scared, though idk of what. i shut my eyes damn tightly as i tried to put myself back into temporary sleep, but i couldnt.

one reason was probably cos i had the light on. another reason was cause i wasnt sure if my door was properly closed shut or not. tht little gap leaves a huge amount of insecurity. and i tell you, my imagination during the middle of the night is horrible.

well. i survived la. i fell asleep eventually, but in the middle of shogun, my phone vibrated due to low batt, and i jerked awake. the phone was beautifully right underneath my cheek sia.

the sun was in my face, and i sat up to bask in its radiance. its warmth. got started reading diary of a wimpy kid:dog days, cos my bro randomly lent it to me. and anyway i was done with my library books alr, so why not?

aaaand surprise surprise, halfway thru i fell asleep. tht was like, 6 plus? woke up just nice at 930, went to mandi, took my time, basking in the warmth - of the hot water this time, damn i just love warmth. or heat. i love anything as long as i dont shiver from it. but ice cream is awesome!

well then. went to mac's but it was crowded so went to 7-11 instead, i was craving pao anyway :3 siying came a few mins aft i arrived there, she went to sit down while i took the biggest pao there was, heh. paid and then sat with her and she started ranting.

glad i could lend her a listening ear, cause at the end of our talk session she was like, "ive not talked like tht for such a long time." glad i was of some use, heh.

she sent me to work, the sweet thang. saw some ncc girls from our sch, amirah was there but i didnt say hi to her... it's alright, get rid of the past to make space for the future right? new boyfriend new family right? -.-.-.-

hayati and jennifer were in the office when i clocked in, went to check out to see what station i was assigned, since there was no briefing. i got megaplay!

so went over, suriani was at ballocity, chatted with her, and then when she went for her break, chatted with azura pulak. she's the pretty one i saw the other day, and woah, her voice is deep sia. k not deep like guy la, but not high like girls either. damn hot sia this azura.

1. i am not a les. 2. i am with irshad. 3. i am in love with irshad, i will not scandal with a co-worker.

chatted with her, she was also an NA student, so asked her abt her decision between sec 5 and ite. said she went to ite, and tht a friend of hers went to sec 5 but wasted tht one year cos her friend still ended up at ite. soo yeah, idk, i really dk.

today was quite boring uh. but chatted with suriani and farhan a lot today, heh. like bonding. i didnt know farhan is a sec 4NA student too sia. he showed me his and benna's art stuff, like woah, they were art students even! amazing, the world is full of mysteries...

i like benna's eyes. the way they turn at the corners, damn gorgeous. always taken in by them whenever i talk to her.

suriani, benna and farhan were the AM people, so when their shift ended, i went to chat with the PM ppl pulak, cos i was doing midshift. talked with the new guy, whats his name? idk. farhan say he muka selenge, right in fronta him, kurang ajar! mentang mentang dier chine, lol wtf. but funny.

talked with chang yuan too, although not really got to know him more. just talked abt handover stuff, cos when i was gg off, he had to do my station. ive seen him like on my first day of work but ive never talked to him before. must summon courage to socialize with him one day.

when i clocked out, asked jin for my pay, pretended to look at the schedule while waiting for her to show up with ma moolah, and when she did, said bye to her and went to gr office to grab my stuff.

chatted with wani , she made fun of me as always, she like big sis sey , she said im very funny cos its been a month since ive started working but i dont have any of them as friends on facebook cept azreenie, who has been fired anyway -___-

and then said bye to her and the GROs who were there, before walking to bus stop to go to library :3 the teen romance book i borrowed, it wasnt tht bad. i borrowed its sequel today, and also a book by the crossing places' author. heh, i love books a lot, dont you?

wrote this at work earlier:
"she sits in solitude
with pen and paper as company substitute
she doesnt mind trading the world
for the ability to remain with words.

being abandoned by society
leaves her no impact for entity
all tht matters is her ability
to turn her mistakes into philosophy

as long as she can generate positivity
from the slightest lack of energy
theres no space left for negativity
and she can release herself from captivity."

what does it mean? ask yourself !

heh.

went to watch puss in boots with mommy and naz today! as always, i did cry at a certain part of the movie. and puss is like damn cute and hot sia. yes, hot. he's a hot kitty!

hmm actually not much to blog abt. just tht, i bought a pair of cat socks! as in, there's a face of a cat on them socks. i love them so much! and i bought bright orange shoelaces to match with my EK uni, cause my seluar melorot. heheheh.

hm what else did i buy? not much la, but i ate a lot. i feel like abt to explode anytime soon. tht's always a great feeling! ^_^

let us have one minute of silence, for the less fortunate who can never be able to have this feeling of being full.
---------------------------------------------
*you can only play this song aft ONE FULL MINUTE OF SILENCE. integrity, ok kids?*



was having an interesting conversation with the handsome boy irshad earlier. it started when he was listening to this song. i loved tht conversation and i loved how we just tossed our perspectives and thoughts and views and opinions and all tht. it was great!

and i'm starting to like trivium too. the topics in their songs are like. WOW. not just wow, but WOW. embarrassingly even SotY can barely hold a candle to trivium. hats off for trivium !

tmrw imma be working from 12-8, with siying having breakkie with me before tht. i really hope she can have her pizza tht she so craves. and i wonder what's up. quite worrying abt her right now. according to her i am a shit expert bcos i am damn experienced :3

ok la. imma be reading a new lib book of mine. i borrowed a teen romance this time, surprise surprise. it's abt, uhm, teen romance? ok. these kinda books are so not my type at all right now, but still gonna give it a shot.

the protagonist is called Sadie, and i was like, wow with a name like tht, nowanda she thinks her life just sucks all the time. and she's been complaining of her sister who is apparently 'too goth', right... ok, nvm, shall just shut up and read it.

o and i see last night's dream. i see it but i cant seem to put it in words. abt my workplace cos i saw wani and the OM. there was a buffet !

heidiho, how i miss irshad so.
when will i see him again? only when there's a stop to this rain?
it feels like ive not seen him for days.
it feels like im running around in a maze.
is he at this maze's end? he should be, cos i smell his scent.
i wanna get of here, i want him damn bloody near.

k, a damn random poem. spontaneous one btw, heh. i am bored.

random topic .

heidiho!

it is a wonderful day so far. first things first, two videos have been uploaded. grad night speech, and my grad night surprise. for your sakes, imma be the kind-hearted soul tht i always am and shall emb these two vids in here right now.

grad nite speech


grad nite vid surprise


well, it is over. i wont mourn over the fact tht my GNV wasnt shown on grad nite anymore. mhmm! uhhuh!

ok, where was i ? i've finished reading "the crossing places" :3 it's the same genre as the darkening! but i still dk what the genre is specifically, bloody hell. o well.

idk what topic to philosophy abt today. although there were actually many meaningful phrases quoted in the crossing places, i get what they mean but i cant seem to put it in simpler terms, you know? hmn.

oh, nvm. relationships. let's talk abt relationships.

i think it's true tht we shouldnt really get into one at young ages. yes, our parents say it is because we have to focus on our education and all tht first. i agree with tht, but tht is not exactly the main reason. to me.

i mean, it's not like everyone cares abt education right? not giving firetrucks abt ur education aint an excuse to be allowed to get into an early relationship. get what i mean?

to me, the real reason why we shouldnt get into early relationships is for the love. simple yet extreme isnt it? yes, it's cause of the love.

one obvious elaboration is, if you really love the person, you'd wait. you guys would be having feelings for each other, but you wait for the future before getting all serious. cos if you get all serious now,

ok, nvm. i find it quite horrible tht i am talking abt this, when i myself am in a relationship at a young age. gah. k, we move on ok? we find another topic ok?

oh. a trend on z twitta is #thingsthtneedtoend. let's talk abt tht shall we !

ok, things tht need to end. to me, the answer is simple: nothing.
simple, yet extreme, yes, tht's what i always say.

nothing needs to end. everything deserves to go on. whether it is a legend, a friendship, or the ocean. they all deserve not to end. but always, somehow, someway or another, these things surely end.

a story has to end. a song has to end. a life has to end. although they dont deserve it, they arent able to go on anymore. why is tht so? why must things come to an end? why cant they go on, and on, and on, and continue doing/being what they are?

ironically, there is no end to an 'end'. why is it tht, something tht has put a stop to everything deserves to go on and on forever? not very fair isnt it.

so what im tryna say is, nothing needs to end, apart from endings itself. of course, we cant do much abt it, because these little things, no matter how great, will still end. it would be exhausting to keep up a story, or a song, or a life.

they will end.
but they doesnt mean they need to end.

penin with nephew and uncle

i'm hooooommmme!

today was quite tiring. went to penin , and then walked around funan. with the handsome boy irshad and muzzy. met up with shady at mrt station, door 11... on da train, stared out the window as always, though i really dislike when masok tunnel.

eons later, reached city hall, met up with muzzy, and made our way to penin. then went all the guitar shops, let them bond awhile, at one point irshad almost fell cos my foot was protruding, wow if he really fell then, all die sia.

walked around some more, and then when muzzy was staring at pedals, i went up to him and was like, "hi ." hey tht took me a lot of courage man. one thing i found cute was when irshad told muzzy, "play any trivium songs??" and then muzzy was straightway like "i dunno any trivium songs." and then shad was like damn sad.

went to eat at mac's aft tht, irshad had his double mcspicy upsize and i had double cheeseburger today. stared at muzzy's double filet cos i couldnt affort tht T.T

during eating, a lotta funny stuff uh. the curry sauce thingy, when irshad covered back his finished curry sauce, and then muzzy was like, "how many curry sauce did you say you have again?"

and then the part where irshad saw the dude shaking the fries under the table, he laughed like shit sia. sadly only he saw, which meant me and muzzy staring at him like grinches , and then muzzy was like, "ok shad ok, happy deepavali."

and then shad couldnt stop laughing, and he was laughing on his own, and then muzzy was like, "eh suka! sambut sekali la." kelakar! and then shady was there laughing non-stop, damn cute sia. i couldnt stop giggling my shoulders off.

a lotta funny stuff la, when we were eating. and we chatted a lot. didnt know muzzy was NA. and he drinks curry sauce.

hmm what next? went to walk around funan digitalife mall , tht was fun uh. went to the big challenger on the last level , walked one big round. oh, the part where we played the nintendo 3DS tht were on display, tht was fun and funny!

hm what next? i was looking for memory card for cammie. it's quite irritating, having to switch the one memory card i have from one cammie to another. so yeah.

aft tht, went to kfc, jumpa with muzzy's friends, one of them being hakim. i felt awkward, idk, most probz bcos of hakim's long term crush uh. idk, nvm.

splitz aft tht, went back to pasir ris with irshad, the poor boy was falling asleep on his feet, only managed to sit and nap for awhile from tamp to pasir ris. didnt wanna wake him up, but i had to, and he jerked awake, the poor thing.

walked to a void deck to sit and slack for awhile, you know he looked damn cute when he was laying his head on the table. then again, he's always either cute, handsome, hot, or amazing. occasionally irritating, or annoying.

but one thing he always is, is the love of my life.

he followed me climb stairs to the 9th floor, fowoo! tht was awesome. nobody has ever done tht with me before. i was damn happy sia i tell ya. and i still am :3 kissed a bit, before saying goodbye and making my way to my gate .

at nite, went off to library to slack awhile, and then went popular look around. got IQ84 alr la siaaaaaalll !!!!!! I WANT !!!!

well but i just bought a notebook in the end. i love the quote on the cover, it says, "no matter how old you are, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a light saber." i love it so much T.T and the notebook is so thick! yet so cheap! i love it.

went and sat awhile while waiting for my daddy, and then went central to eat. today, he taughed me: "lembu punya susu, sapi punya nama." for siying, it means when someone else gets credit for smth you did.

aaaaand yeah. had fun today la. next time IF slack with muzzy again , i better chin up and start talking. mm hmm!

thank you for wanting to read this my lans :3 and, sorry, uploading of 4/2's grad nite speech got jammed at 75%, so i just cancelled it. tmrw aye?

i love books ^_^

a responsibility tht i failed.

i remember, so better type it down right now so you guys can read abt it.

ok, i dont rmb the beginning, i only rmb from a certain part. but i know there was smth before this part tht i rmb, it felt like i was returning from a party of some sort. most probs, it was grad nite cos i was wearing my grad nite get up.

was passing by the study corner under my block when i saw damn a lot of males down there. they were all gathered, and for some reason all of them were wearing black. no, they certainly did not look like they just returned from grad nite too.

well anywayys, and then. i didnt know where to go, cos seriously all them males were blocking my way to get to the lift. in the end i just selit at the side, ignoring all their chatter. and they were talking abt ma dress, bloody hell.

as i was waiting for my lift - which did NOT look like my own house lift in real life - came along tht dude from 3/1 whose name i do not know. i know his face but idk his name. so well anyway, he came along. and then he stopped when he saw me.

he said smth which idk, but i just ignored la. then along came some of the black males from the study corner, and they all gathered nearby looking at me while i was waiting for the lift. when my lift came, i walked in, and so did they.

the lift stopped at a few alternate levels, and one by one them guys got out. but the remaining were like making a fuss over my dress. by the time i got to the 6th or 7th level, everyone was out except for me.

i rmb tht my destination was the 9th level. at the 8th, the lift stopped and all the guys were outside and making a huge noise while staring and pointing at me. i quickly pressed the close button and went to the 9th. i rmb pressing the 12, 13, and 14 buttons.

you know aye, in this dream, the block wasnt like my block in real life at all. in the dream, it's like those blocks tht only have one house near the staircase, just tht every floor is like tht, it's like one storey one unit. get it? so mine was 9th, yeah.

when i reached 9th and got out, some of the guys came up from the 8th floor. at this point of time they were all wearing a deep red colour. and, at this point of time, i heard my voice. i told them not to stay there and to get away. smth like tht .

they all refused and just started making more noise, which nearly drained my own voice out. so in the end i took out my keys and began unlocking the gate. then the bloody males took my keys and unlocked the damn gate on their own.

and, this was when i raised my voice. i yelled and screamed. i forgot what i screamed, but i certainly did. i rmb saying please. but i forgot, i cant rmb what the fuck i was begging for. which is really a pity cos i would wanna know too. o well.

yeah tht's it uh. o, and the house of mine looked really rundown... it felt like tht house, was my responsibility. a responsibility tht i failed. idk. maybe i was married and got divorced and was living alone. it felt like tht. it really did.

a responsibility tht i failed... yes, tht's the right phrase now.

soooo anyways! a good morning to you my lans! what is up for me today isit? well first things first imma be meeting haikal for breakkie , which i should be getting ready for very very soon, and then aft tht i might be slacking with a handsome boy named irshad.

and currently been damn engrossed in tht random book tht i randomly picked out at the library. it's so far kinda like "the darkening", which genre i still have not confirmed. should read tht, by stephen m irwin. damn bloody awesome book sia i tell you.

o so now my blog is a book review is tht it ? ok, imma go right now. will blog later ok? love you! oh and chalet day 2 has been uploaded. currently uploading farhan's speech and aft this would be uploading GNV surprise.



my classmates should do me a favour and make an account to subscribe, cos each time i upload a new vid, they expect me to let them all know or what, bloody hell. and anyway, the least they could do is gimme support, rather than slacking like free loaders. good enough i make vids for you all over the past few months at 4/2, the least you could do was bloody sub, ok?

sometimes those classmates of mine really do drive me peanuts sia i tell you.
but i still do love them.

my wonderful cousie.

THAT is my cousin.
my most amazing cousie ever.

i dont remember when we first talked to each other, but it was definitely the starting mark of a beautiful relationship.

my friendship with this girl has been the longest friendship in my entire life. i've seen pictures of the two of us, dating back to as far as 1996. she was born when my mommy started conceiving me, which makes me just nine months younger than cousie.

nine months younger, but just nice still in the same year. which made us a lot more closer and can talk abt things tht we can relate to.

we always went to each other first thing when at a family's gathering. whenever i arrive, the first thing tht the aunts and uncles would say, was tht cousie was in the room, or went downstairs, or etc.

first time sleepover was during P3. tht one had a lot of memories, was with another cousie, and then some funny things happened during tht time, and we still make fun of tht other cousie abt what he did during those nights.

seriously damn a lot of memories... and we always talked abt all the stuff abt our guys, our friends, our parents, our siblings. it's like no matter who we have a problem with, we'll just confide in each other.

i still rmb in p5, i drew this comic series, like fan-fiction of many different anime characters. and then i included cousie and i , as the main characters. i still have those drawings sey.

and then as we grew older, we just go out tgt more often too. we wanted to go into the same sec sch but sadly she got siglap. she was damn sad abt it and her mommy told me she cried a lot abt it. immediately i went over to my own mommy and told her to bring me to their house for a sleepover.

it wasnt a request, it was like a command. i commanded to my own mommy, just so i could be by my cousie's side, cos i didnt want her to be sad.

she was oblivious to my reasons of course. but when the days passed, i told her , tht i slept over only cos i wanted to cheer her up. i couldnt tell if she was touched or not, but i was still damn happy when she thanked me.

i still rmb we wrote letters to each other via snail mail . i was so happy when i received her letter, but i took my time opening it cos i didnt want it to be torn. and there were those times when our aunts got married and we were always the bridemaids.

and then in sec sch, our class mates were actually best friends in pri sch. me and cousie started to go out tgt more only in sec 2, around there? or was it sec 3 .

during sec 3 camp, she helped me a lot, she lent me sleeping bag and fussed over me abt whether i had everything alr or not. and then aft my camp, i went to sleep over her house, cos it was her bday but her family left her alone at home cos they had to go malaysia.

i spent her 15th birthday with her. or not, she would have been alone. she said, "luckily you slept over with me today. or not, now i would be like sulking here alone."

i rmb being upset when her clock struck twelve and i was abt to sing happy bday for her, but her friends called and beat me to it. i got damn pissed i must say, but i kept quiet thru out and aft they hung up i was like, "...happy bday! ^_^" but inside , i was fuming.

2010, was the year tht i hung out with her a lot. i always went over, she always came over, and we just talked and ate and laughed as if there was no tmrw.

i really miss those times... i really miss her a lot.

idk what happened. somehow got more distant this year. maybe it was the national exams, idk. most probz. whenever she makes plans to eat tgt or whatsoever, i would always be damn happy and i would immediately mark it in my calendar with a million smileys.

but whenever she cancels, i would feel damn bloody depressed. i cry abt it, i really do. cry a lot. and i am right now too. i really really miss her. my own bf has been spending time with his own cousie a lot these days, and im damn jealous.

and today, i bonded with a colleague of mine, and she really reminds me of my cousie.

haiz. when will she have time for me? now she's like looking for job with her friends. i'm damn jealous. and now i cant even text her cos she's busy watching movie. will she text me aft the movie ends like i tell her to? we'll see.

for now, let's just spam this post with pictures of me and her.












shit... i miss her so much sia. sigh.
ok, i am crying.