Marinate

Is anything ever random? It's hard to believe in non-methodical happenings. Not when you have almost a religious belief in long trains of events and thoughts. Not when you believe everything is connected, like soulmates through invisible strings and adult personalities through childhoods. 

This very spot I stand in, this very moment I breathe in, everything has led to this. I'm just sitting alone in a cliche coffee chain but it's enough to do me in. The parallels to my past, a Wednesday night in buona vista almost five years ago.

The throwing of dreamcatchers led to reading old messages led to realising the way I had hurt him. Led me here, simply wishing I have my good friend back. The friendship already hit its highs and lows in a short month, and I wish I'd soaked in its average longer. Late night conversations and sharing favourites and revealing pasts. 

I wish I was still nervously waiting for him, and we will ritually take a sip whenever the conversation lulled into silence. I wish I was still there by paya lebar counting trains, and he will ask Why are you doing this? I wish we are staying up all night talking again and I will say, I trust you now.

I wish I was still waiting beneath the tracks and we will walk beneath them to his neighbourhood, stopping to pet any cats along the way. I wish we were eating cheesecake in view of the tracks, and he will drive me home by a deliberately further route. 

It was all this happenstance that brought me to tears on a monday in orchard, and I can't help but to think now of where I would be if I had given it a chance. If it might have been enough to prevent me from feeling this way right here, right now.