7. High infidelity (2016-2017)

 (the playlist)

I've never been shy with my feelings. If I like someone or something, may the whole world know. I was however, really good at twisting them around to hide the truth. Always to the point of breaking, if not me, someone close to me. 

The excessive writing started again sometime after I turned 21. That's what happens when you feel like the whole world is against you. When the people from your schools are fine without you, graduation pictures. When the colleagues you see as sisters don't need you outside work, conversations in the language you don't speak.

I fed the insecurity that came from all the girls on social media and the friends of his who never liked me. I kept it like a pet and gave it our good memories to eat. I grasped onto a rose so tightly I never noticed the thorns making all of us bleed. 

Only years after I was doing it I learned the term emotionally cheating. There is no better way to describe the too-deep bond I shared with someone other than my own partner. It might have been different if it was a girl. Maybe it might even be different if it was any guy in the world other than his own best friend. 

But it's still true that nobody else understood me and put up with me the way a certain friend of a boyfriend did. It was still my year of Ugly and Lonely despite everything else. When you've been desperate for any form of validation and you find some in the deepest, dirtiest of friendships, you take it.

I already knew he was leaving again; the voices in my head told me so. But I never knew why I couldn't have left first, always having been one step ahead. Always waiting until his dust suffocated me first, and even then, worshiping the ground he had walked away on.  

I had reasons to leave. From the cruel words he spoke to the rift growing between us like a flower. Maybe I just had too much delusional love for him and none for myself, and in the end it destroyed three separate parties. Four, if you want to count what we did the previous year. 

He listened to my favourite songs and read all my posts, and I kept tally of it. The same way I kept tally of the few things I did for him, using them to justify the high infidelity that would come to be my third tattoo.