Backstroke

Dizzy. I can't believe I still have some bits of me left to unravel like this. It's like picking at old scabs and pinching pieces of cord left on the bed. On the surface it's me inviting old habits back. Refusing to eat, listening to old songs, downing caffeine all day and night, like a cliche drinking problem. 

It's not like anyone has hurt me lately. I still have the life I always wanted, a self made family in our own home. A job I still enjoy, dominoes falling or not. I'm not with someone who makes me doubt everything and I have enough friends to call my own. What's the problem this time?

You don't need drugs to get high when you have enough emotions and memories to bring you there. Despite all this weight on my shoulders and chest, sometimes I'm floating in an endlessness, pictures of my past like clouds. Sometimes I don't realise when sky becomes ocean, promising to engulf me if I'm not careful.

I haven't gone to swim in a very long time, but I remember the feeling of water in your ears. I remember the distorted sounds traveling through the pool, very much like the montage of my life that has played me to death the past week. I remember almost drowning when I was seven, and I'm convinced the water from then is still in my lungs somehow.

So how do i know whether it's safe enough to float or to swim for my life? With the bad memories that comfort and the good times that hurt? My chin is tilted but how do I know if it's to the right direction? Backstroke; I'm breathing easier, but I can't see where I'm going.