friendzone

During my recent breakdown I started reading old messages. It became reading old tweets and mentions, then digging up old diaries and now, reading very old blog posts. My past self was very sweet but naive, and she still had long roads to walk and strong currents to swim through. 

Now I'm thinking, I haven't written about something as simple as my day in awhile. Reading my 2011 posts brought me back memories I almost forgot. I'd be damned if I do, seeing as they were the foundation of the person I came to be.

It's been twelve years since the aforementioned posts, of the days in my first parttime job. Almost everything in detail, things that I find myself still laughing about. When did it stop being cool to journal and document your days via writing? I'd be honoured to be one of the flames who keep this alive again.

So here I am now, at the end of a day worth writing about. For someone with traces of social anxiety, I did a good job today. The first step taken was registering for this community event thing, where people in my age group gather to make friends. Something I very much needed during my anti-hero year.

My next obstacle was seeing a friend I haven't seen in ten years. There is still some invisible expectations you hope to meet, that you're still as nice as they remember, maybe better. But somehow it was easy falling back in, maybe from a combination of the old bond and my new outgoingness. 

I kept my friend company for awhile, since we were the first of our assigned tables. After just a little bit catching up, my anxiety already gone, I saw two members of my table arrive. I picked up my food and made some joke about me being accident prone, before walking over to table 7 and saying hello so easily. 

I told them where I live and work, being very careful not to reveal anything weird about me. About my living in the Northeast only recently and having been a pasir ris girl my whole life. One guy was in tech, and the other a civil servant. Add my retail to the mix and we already have three very different people at the table.

After some chatting and our group of three becoming five, we were made to fill in these cards. The guy on my right, the one in tech, he was pondering for awhile and I thought he looked like gurmit singh from his side profile. I told him so, but thank god we got interrupted before he could react. Looking back now I'm not sure if that was considered rude.

So I had to think for quite abit before being happy with my own answers.

I spend my days: daydreaming, writing

2 things I want to learn: 1. How to keep friends 2. Singapore history

2 things people can talk to me about: 1. Anything about themselves 2. Anything about myself

A question I'd like to ask is: Is there a way to have both happiness and identity?

There was some sort of icebreaker, which I thought would make a round and have the spotlight on us one at a time, but thank god it wasn't like that. There was an outline of the Singapore map on the floor, and first we were told to head to a makan place we love.

Honestly I didn't have anywhere to recommend per se, but I went to where I thought pasir ris was, with my mother's house in mind. Everyone seemed to flock to the west, but another girl looked a little lost near me. I told her I think this is pasir ris, and we got to talking very naturally. When she told me she just lived in the block upstairs, I said Oh so that's why you're just wearing slippers. And she laughed so heartedly, the dimple on her left cheek so deep.

Next we were told to go somewhere we want to explore. I went to the North where woodlands was, and I tried explaining to the nearest friends why but I couldn't put it into words. Basically I just see woodlands as an old friend I haven't seen in awhile, and I wish for us to catch up again on our many changes.

I'm surprised I didn't flaunt my northsouth line tattoo at this point.

One of those friends told the rest of us his clementi reason, how he stayed with his aunt since childhood and treated her like his own parent. It resonated with me, but I held back my story. He looked like he hardly talked about it, despite it being a big part of who he is, and I wanted him to have his moment.

The last, we were told to go somewhere we love to hang out in. I went to the central where orchard was, without hesitation, and my tech friend from table 7 exclaimed, Did you really choose your workplace?! I laughed and had to admit that work was one of my favourite places. Then someone beside me told us the magnetic hold that bugis had on him, and I understood what he meant.

We got back to our assigned tables after. I admitted a few things, like the way I enjoy my job unlike many others. I talked about the book I painstakingly wrote and then neglected. I shared the outline of it and the traits of one of the main characters, made a joke like Hmmm I wonder who is she based on. We talked about a post apocalyptic Singapore and the local writing scene, both of which tugged at my heartstrings.

We were given cards with conversation starters on them, but our group didn't seem to have trouble moving things along. We were all so different, jobs and aspirations and places in life, and that was exactly why we had so much to talk about.

One of the cards: What are some of the challenges that are preventing you from what you want to achieve?, something along those lines. And I was the one who had to get the ball rolling. At this point the mp of punggol west decided to sit next to me, telling us to pretend she was invisible. It was still a lot of pressure, but I somehow managed to go through.

I told them about how I really have so much to look forward to and yet I still feel so unfulfilled. Being happily married with a one-year-old son, working in a place I love, knowing what I want to be. These are the things some people wish they could have. And my entire table was single, so I was somewhat steps ahead in terms of these cliche achievements. (But then again I never graduated poly and they're all higher educated, so they're steps ahead of me in that sense.)

Said that the problem really is myself, that the only thing stopping me from finishing my novel and my dreams was me. Then I read out the question I wrote on my own card, Is there a way to have both happiness and identity? Everyone gasped at the question, I tried to relieve the seriousness, but I could see the entire table already pondering about everything themselves. 

After so much conversing, both deep and funny shit, we had to gather one last time with everyone else to share our takeaways of the night. And I learned that I had no reason to panic and get anxious at the thought of being who I am. Nobody is judging, and in a way, everyone sticks out like a sore thumb because we're all just so unique.

I've been having some identity crisis thing lately, feeling very washed-up and faded. Like I'm not very interesting anymore. Motherhood has brought me up in ways, down in others. But now I know, I will always be interesting, the way everyone and everything will always be to me.

I figured that my identity was never at stake after all. That I am still me, 27 versions of myself that have come to be who I am. The 28th version is forming, and I can see that she is made of both the sides of her that have been in constant battle. She is a mother who doesn't have time to write while raising her kid, and because he keeps trying to smack her keyboard; she is also a writer who is inspired by the bruises on her soul and her ghosts that follow her everywhere.

Today was exactly what I needed, laughter over parents pretending to be their babies in Instagram captions; reflections over our places in life and the steps to take next. It's been awhile since I stepped out the triangle that is the two loves of my life and I, and it's okay if you ever need to feel like yourself apart from the people you already love.