Finding a home in my school

Another reason I'd dreaded my birthday this year was because it was the same day my exam results would be released. I didn't really bother to check them, because I knew what to expect, and because I didn't want that to ruin my day. Kinda shallow of me, I know.

Just a few days ago I did went to see though, just for the heck of it. Alas, I couldn't even see my exam results because I hadn't paid my school fees yet. So what to do? Couldn't do much, so I just laid back and tried to forget it.

The very next day I got a text from the ECE [Electronics and Computer Engineering] office, informing me there was a due date if I wanted to appeal. That was when I knew what my supposed fate was.

One of the rules from my school was that, if you're retaking a module and you fail it for the second time, you'll straight get dismissed. I somehow knew I failed Daeln again, and it was no surprise to me anyways.

So today, I'd gone to Ngee Ann Polytechnic to appeal against my dismissal.

I had to write a letter explaining why I wanted this chance to stay in NP. When I held that pen in my hand, believe me I wanted to spill my heart out onto the paper. I didn't have the courage then, and all I could write was that I want to try again because everyone around me are having their hopes on me, including myself, and that I'm not ready to give up just yet.

I'm writing this post now to spill my heart out for real, about why I love NP and why I'd like to stay in this school until I graduate with a diploma.

The taxi ride was silent, just my mom sitting in the passenger seat and me behind the driver, staring out the window. The PIE was so familiar to me, reminded me of my trips to and fro school everyday. It felt like a long time since I had that view.

I couldn't stop staring at the bracelet from Loy, one of my semester 2 classmates. It was a gift from her in the beginning of year 2, all the way from her hometown in Cambodia. My thoughts went on to the other few friends I'd made during my short time in poly.

Mom was walking to and fro everywhere, from the Student Services Centre to the Engineering office to the Student Services Office, what a headache. I took the time to walk around the Engineering buildings, the halls and the smells all too familiar to me. I could close my eyes and find my way around easily.

During school it was a dreadful thing to be walking there alone among the crowds, because I'd always felt judged by everyone. But walking along the halls today with few souls in sight made me realise how I actually liked being in my school. 

I walked past Block 4, where my semester 1 classmates and I had first met one another's eyes. How we were forced to sit in a circle and trace each other's existence into our hearts. 

I remember locking eyes with Susan, who sat opposite me, and quickly looking away without even smiling. How Shihui was right next to me, always moving her head downwards to let her hair cover her face. How I thought they were all super weird, all of them. 

I went on walking past Co-op, where the whole lot of us would always sneak away to during class to buy snacks. Where, a year later, I was standing beside, drunk and in tears about my break-up with Shihui trying to calm me down.

The offices at Block 8, where my EngMec teacher had invested so much of his time into giving some of us an extra tutoring. Repeating his lessons again and again to make sure we understood. 

The poolside canteen, where I first had many awkward lunches with my classmates of 1A1. The benches outside the canteen where I'd sat with them, studying our asses off during final exam period.

I thought of the times I walked down the halls alone during school. How I'd only occasionally stop to shyly say hi to someone I used to have classes with. I thought of how I always wanted to see someone I know just so I could remove the frown I always wear on my face, and have a reason to give a genuine smile. 

I thought of the few friends I'd made during the past 3 semesters. The way they might have seen me and what they might have thought of me. It kinda saddened me to think of the way we got along back then, to know I wasn't part of their circle anymore. 

Shihui was probably the only one I still entrusted my thoughts with, the only one I could be weird with. I'd never forget how she had so much faith in me. How we only got closer in semester 2 when we were chucked onto the same boats. 

How Susan was the one who never stopped believing in me and being there for me from the very moment she asked me what my name was. I kept letting her down and she got dragged into my mess so much last year but she always greeted me with a smile when we got into separate classes. 

I felt like I'd let them down. 

I need to stand my ground, I need to stay in school, I want to try again. 

Walking in the halls of Ngee Ann is an all too familiar feeling for me, and I'd be lost if my feet aren't touching the grounds of my school anymore. I'd feel so lost if I don't see these people anymore, if I don't sit in the Atrium or the library, or get frustrated with the crowds of the Engineering blocks.

God, maybe my school is my second home after all. I'd spent most of my days in there ever since I'd enrolled last year, I don't see myself being anywhere else. Not in another school, not in any workplace. I'm too used to waking up in the mornings, long bus journeys which cause me to be late most of the time, classmates which I never talk to surrounding me. I'd feel so lost without these. 

If I ever get to stay in NP, if they give me another chance, I'd use the sense of home and familiarity of my school to push me into graduating with a goddamn diploma. I will only accept leaving behind this school properly.

First-half September reads

I'm gonna talk about books now, since my past month and few weeks have pretty much revolved around my reading.

I'm including you in by writing this in third person, so you can imagine yourself as the protagonist of the stories ^^

1. Matched - Ally Condie

You are born in a Society which controls your every move in life. Who you love, what you eat, when you die.

When you turn seventeen, you are bestowed upon your Matching Ceremony, in which the Society pairs you up with someone they think is your perfect Match. It turns out to be your best friend from childhood.

You think your match is perfect because you've known him for as long as you can remember. Until one day you see the face of another boy also labelled as your Match. That's when you realise the Society may not be as perfect as you think.

You meet this other boy, and he knows things you aren't supposed to know. He knows how to write with his hands, while you and everyone else are only capable of typing on your tabs.

You realise you have a decision to make.

If you choose to love the boy you grew up with, you are going according to the Society's wishes. If you choose to love the boy who can show you a different side of the world, you are going against the Society.

It's an invitation to war, but a part of you knows it's worth it to fight, so you can do the one thing you've never done: choose your life.

2. Monument 14 - Emmy Laybourne

You are on the way to school on the school bus, along with other students from your high school. Earlier that morning, you'd rushed from home to catch the bus, never stopping to say bye to your mother even.

Your peace is disrupted when hail falls from the sky. The hail increases in size, creating dents on the roof of the bus, toppling it over even. You take shelter beneath a seat while you watch the chaos around you.

The teacher from another school bus is trying to gather everyone she can. The few survivors that remain are driven into the nearest building: a hypermarket called Greenway. The gates and doors close shut behind you, and you try to register what just happened.

You gather around one of the television sets in the electrical department, and you get news about what's happening outside.

There have been escalating disasters going on, from mega tsunamis to a chemical spillage. It's not safe to be outside.

You take a look around the other survivors. They are six high school kids (some popular, some not), two eighth graders and six little kids, as young as five. You guys are trapped while chaos ensues outside; sure, you may be stuck in a hypermarket which ensures you are well-supplied, but how long more can you--all 14 of you--survive?

3. Reboot - Amy Tintera

Five years ago, you were shot three times in the chest.

178 minutes later, you awaken as a Reboot: faster, stronger, less emotional. The longer Reboots are dead, the less human they become when they awaken. At 178, your number is the highest, making you the deadliest Reboot.

You are a soldier serving Human Advancement and Repopulation Corporation (HARC), where you meet the next newbie you are training. His number is 22, making him the lowest and practically human compared to you.

You are irritated with his many questions, his slow reflexes, his never-fading smile. When he refuses to obey an order, you are told to eliminate him if you can't get him in line.

Being the perfect soldier, you've never gone against an order before; but there's something about 22 that makes you think twice about your place. Makes you feel human. Makes you feel down for being looked up to only because of your high number. Makes you want to rebel against everything you've ever known.

____

The Monument 14 trilogy especially was SO good, trust me.

Poem about time

Time is waiting in the dark;
Observing what may be called art.
Time is sitting by the hourglass;
Watching the sand fall as the seconds slowly pass.

Time is racing against the clock;
Deafened by the crow's caw.
Time is slowly forgetting names;
Dust gathering in the photo frames.

Time is not awaiting the future;
Looking at the clock through the mirror.
Time is the waves never reaching your feet;
Not knowing the definition of speed.

Time is staring at the one you love;
Counting the infinity stars above.
Time is finding tears in a smile;
A centimetre becoming a mile.

Time is the definition of suddenly;
Compared to the meaning of immediately.
Time is avoiding the speeding cars;
Only God knowing the due dates for these scars.

Time is your enemy suddenly loving you;
A newborn taking decades just to turn two.
Time is the cracks in a mural;
Awaiting the guests at my funeral.

____

Wrote this poem in 2010, it still hits me in the heart everytime I read it.

Birthdays, past and tomorrow

19th September, 2008. 

I wasn't sure what was going on, but my best friend wouldn't let me go home. She made me wait at Burger King for more than an hour, though I had no idea why.

When it was apparent that whatever it was wasn't gonna turn up, she brought me to the third floor, to More Than Words. I waited outside, staring at people in the distance, recognising a Hai Sing student as one of my primary school classmates.

My best friend exited the store and presented to me an envelope. I opened it to see her tiny handwriting on the front of a card; it was my birthday that day. "Happy 13th Birthday E'indah :D", it said. I nearly teared up.

I asked her what it was that she'd made me wait for, but she wouldn't answer. I tried not to be sad, but it was already eating away at me. We parted at the bus interchange, and I went straight home, trying not to cry the whole way.

As usual, nobody greeted me when I stepped into the house. It just hit my emotions a lot harder, and as stupid as it sounds, I lied down on one side of the bed and bawled my eyes out.

After an hour, I got a text from my mother, telling me to go down to where she was at. I refused, because I wasn't in the mood, but she scolded me to listen to her. So I did, as much as I didn't want to.

I found her at the community centre and greeted her with a scowl on my face. She told me to head on to the second floor, for unknown reasons, but I wasn't in the mood to wonder why so I just did as told.

The first thing I heard was my favourite song at that year playing. I went to the pillar in the middle to see a purple package with my name on it. I was a little confused until I saw two girls creeping up on me.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" they exclaimed. I was still in a state of shock, but when I registered what just happened, the first thing I did was cry. They laughed at my silliness and commended, "Asal kau nangis!? Jangan kental ah!" I couldn't help smiling at that.

That day, I received tons of birthday wishes from my classmates in school and through texts. My first birthday of secondary school, and it was nothing but sweet.

19th September, 2010.

My 15th, my third birthday of secondary school. 3 of my friends had brought me out to eat Mad Jack, which I so happily devoured. In the middle of the meal, one of them asked the other in Chinese, "When do we give her?", probably talking about a present. I chuckled to myself because they didn't think I understood.

They brought me up to the 4th floor of the mall, where the photobooths were at. That was probably the last time I ever took photos there because the place shut down a few years later.

I was rained down upon with presents later. I still remember what they were up to this day; a handmade bracelet from Siying, a pair of headphones from Shushan, Sticky candy from Pearl.

We went to the park afterwards, with the intention to cycle. Because I didn't know how to, my best friend Siying spent her time teaching me. I was still a complete failure at the end of the day but she didn't stop trying.

The next day, 20th of September, I went to get Cinammon Melts after school with the Malay girls of the clique, Asleah, Farizah and Sabby. After plenty of chit-chat and laughter at McCafe, we went to get slurpees and walked over to the pond beside the mangrove.

We spent all our time taking photos, and after a while somebody got the crazy idea of a birthday bash for me. They eyed a row of water taps along a brick wall outside the toilet, and without warning, they filled their Slurpee cups with water and splashed the contents all over me.

I'd thrown away my cup so I didn't have anything to defend myself with. Water was thrown all over me and I was laughing away with them but it was so, so cold!!! I tried to run but my stamina wouldn't help me, til eventually I just let myself get destroyed.

I was soaked by the time the sun was setting, drenched and shivering, but it was the best birthday ever. A birthday that had spread over 2 days with all the important girls of my life.

19th September, 2012. 

I was dreading this day. My 17th. My parents and I hadn't been on good terms for a while, and I knew they were too egoistic to put that aside to spend time with me. Also, I'd left my best friends earlier that year about 6 months before, a fall-out which I didn't put my own ego aside for.

It was my first ever birthday alone, and I allowed it to be spent with someone who was using me. A day that should have been happiness and gifts ended up in the spill of tears and first blood.

Later on in the afternoon, someone came knocking on my door. It was Sabrina and Shushan, probably the nicest and the most forgiving in the clique. Despite how shitty I'd been toward all of them, they took effort to come over and bring me out.

I cried seeing them there on my doorstep, I cried reading the long birthday card from Sabrina. She was never emotional, never one to speak her mind, but she spilled her heart out to me in her letter.

How I'd appreciated it, but I couldn't shake off the feeling that it was too late.

That was when I declared my hatred for birthdays. I promised myself never to utter the words "happy birthday" to anyone ever again, because those words when said to me never made me feel any better.

19th of September, 2013. 

A year since I last spoke with my parents, of course they wouldn't wish me, much less take me out. I rarely went out with my aunt too, so I didn't mind that she couldn't bring me out.

At this point I'd patched up with the girls from secondary school, but they were all too busy with their own things, of course. Everyone worked, or had assignments, or projects. I understood, and I really wasn't expecting anything from anyone, so it was okay.

The wind called me to wish me, but when he said he couldn't come to Singapore to bring me out, a part of my heart broke. I told him it was okay, because it really was.

I had nothing to do, and my grandmother kept making comments about how birthday girl was spending her day alone and at home, so I went to blog. I blogged about the exact reasons why I hated birthdays, right out from my 17th and from my heart.

The wind read everything and he ended up getting angry at me, because "You just had to make me feel more guilty." We got into an argument just minutes before my birthday ended.

18th of September, 2014. 

So here I sit, staring at the clock, daring it to turn midnight. I can't remember the last time I wished someone 'happy birthday'. Maybe I improved from it a little, because I did acknowledge some birthdays, like how I'd gone out with Mom on hers and sang "22" for Zye on his twenty-second.

But I told myself I don't want to accept anymore acknowledgement for my own. I've told maybe just one or two new friends about my birthday, most of whom have left my life and probably wouldn't give a shit tomorrow.

Even most of my Heroines don't know when my birthday is. I've seen how chaotic it gets when another member has their birthday. Wishes and surprises. It's scary; even scarier if they do know my birthday but not care about it. One of the reasons I dread my own birthday.

I don't know if I have the balls to face tomorrow. I don't know if it's time for me to cherish my birthday again. I don't know if I should tell Heroine that I'm turning 19 tomorrow, if I should take that one step towards having a normal relationship with birthdays again.

It's so scary, it really is. Nobody would understand this weird feeling I have for birthdays, and that saddens me. I'm too scared to acknowledge my 19th, my 20th, my 21st... I'm too scared to risk cherishing it when I'm not even sure if others would.

Hurricane Aamir

In this quite confusing post, I am retelling the tale of the wind that swept me off my feet. I've copied and pasted my past posts and poems, retelling a story through them. This is a closure to my path with someone I was with for a year, who took me for a ride again and again. 

If it gets confusing:

italics are text from a past blog post, written at the time it happened. 

Courier are text in the perspective of the wind.

Bold are taken from poems I'd written to briefly describe my feelings. 

normal are text I am writing right now, in telling the story.

I'm trying my best to tell this story without much new content, because I'm quite sick and tired of writing about the same asshole again and again. This is a closure, to remind myself and show others how cruel this innocent face really is. Or you can go this link for more shit [posts labelled 'Aamir]

Also, this post is fucked up because it's shit from my head. That's always fucked up, but I'm just too pissed off at his cruelty and my stupidity. 

Four, crooked teeth, lines above the smile;

Held hands and fought for love far longer than a while.

Convinced and believed, worked hard for forevermore;

Until the day "I just don't love you anymore."

January, 2014. 

Two days after our first year together, he said we were meeting for the last time. I did not get what that meant, but I had hoped I could make him change his mind. I tried to write a letter, but I had lost that skill. My handwriting was in shambles, and I did not know what I was saying so I tossed it aside.

You weren't missing her as much as you used to;

The flame that was burning for her had turned blue.

She wasn't moving you the way she was before;

You just didn't love her anymore.

I went up to him with a frown on his face. I did not deserve that. He brought me somewhere we could talk, and once we were seated I just lashed out whatever was on my mind. 

You woke up the next morning without her in your head;

No recollection of all the things she had said.

Forgotten the things she had done for you;

Forgotten the days she had planned for two.

And I still did not understand when he just said he had "lost his feelings" for me. I thought I did my best to make him happy and listen to him and to not pull him further from God anymore. I thought I gave him space and checked on him sometimes and not be a bitch when he made me upset, I thought I did everything I could, why would he suddenly say that?

It was all I could do to persuade him I'll try harder, harder than I ever had if he weren't pleased with my efforts. I was trying not to cry but that was an absolute failure, like my persuasions were.

A veil across your eyes to her good side;

Yet convinced it was all along that you'd been blind.

Two arms wrapped around yours, tears down your uniform;

No guilt in you, walked away from your own storm.

I hated how he got up when I wasn't finished talking. I'm not sure when, but at one point when he told me to accept his decision, it was all I could do not to wail. I interlocked his arm with both of mine and kept wailing, "Don't leave, just stay."

He shrugged me off coldly and walked away. I never saw him again.

____

It was hard letting go but I did it.
I went back to my family at Pasir Ris, I made new friends, I went back to writing. Things I never had when I was with him.

The last time I had a bad break-up, it wasn't that easy. I told myself Wow, I'm pretty strong for a one-year relationship with a boy I'd adored.

It was all so peaceful for the next 6 months, until that day in July.

July, 2014. 

What if you woke up to remember why you loved her;

Would she again become part of your desire?

Would you walk with her again no matter how your legs tire;

Would you ignite again, that fire?

Today, you continue missing her. You find yourself still thinking of her, missing her, six months after you abandoned her. A part of you regret the decision of going back to the life before her, and yet you know you need to have this new start.

Would it be shrugged off as just another regret;

Would she be no more than just a girl you met?

Would it sadden you to realise what you've lost;

Or would it no longer dare be again in your thoughts?

You meet her again after half a year; there she is, as usual, waiting patiently for you to come home.

She stares at you in awe as you approach her, that longing in you to sweep her off her feet like you used to everyday. You embrace her, and she allows it, and she looks up at you with those hopeful eyes. She doesn't look one bit mad at you for abandoning her; she looks like all she cares about is the fact that she's right there in your arms.

He told me "I freaking miss you", his exact words I promise, and we met the next day. Broke fast together, caught up on each other's lives. He told me he found it difficult to move on from me, unlike the past crushes he'd had. Convincingly asked me "Do you think we're made for each other?"

He told me a lot of things which I believed, and when he asked if I would like to start over again with him, I said yes. 

A second chance, Four times two makes Eight;

His love never forgotten, he thinks we're joined by fate.

____

Two steps into a new beginning, he decides he isn't ready;

I hide my upset, understand and accept whatever his need.

Two days after he came back, he told me he wasn't ready, that he wanted to be just friends. To be lifted up like that only to be let down again, of course I was saddened. I thought it was cruel, but I told myself it's okay. I have to understand it's what he needed.

We continued talking after that and we even met a few times, just as friends. I mingled around and I met someone I really liked who was Ghost-Type, but was not as familiar with as I was with the wind. I didn't give the Ghost a chance at this point.

Two weeks later the wind asked me once more, if I would like to be his girlfriend... again.

Raising my arms and letting my feet go light;

Closing my eyes shut despite my fear of the night.

Having faith in the breeze running through my hair;

Allowing it to lift me and take me anywhere.

I was scared that he'd hurt me again, but I was always brave enough to try again.
I said yes, I would.
I had to reject the Ghost and the block of Ice, both of whom would never hurt me like how the wind had done, twice.

Hanging in the eagle's arms, hands around its neck;

Not an inch afraid, believing it's got my back.

Hair over its shoulders as I'm brought across the skyline;

The pair of wings on its back is as good as mine.

I thought I was a brave person. This boy had hurt me two times, and yet I still had faith in him to carry me once more. I believed with all my heart and soul he would never let me down again. I even promised his best friend I'd make sure he would never lose interest in me again.

Taking me away to places new and old;

Faith to protect me from the fall or cold.

Caught up in the euphoria and in your laughter;

Forgetting the possibility of what would come after.

Because we were together for a year, we were familiar with each other. I was familiar with him. Deep inside I was grateful I didn't have to start over again with someone else, that I was starting over with someone who already knew me. And I trusted him with my life.

The wind turns into ice sliding down my spine;

Shards of cruelty stabbing into the heart that's mine.

The arms around me quickly releasing their hold;

I didn't know the flames of Hell could be so cold.

I was wrong.
I was not brave, I was stupid.

He let go of me again, told me he didn't want me after all. That he didn't know what he was doing when he asked for me back. He even mentioned he liked someone else, and that that person liked him back too, and that's why he was thinking twice about getting back with me again.

He dropped me for the third time in a year, second time in a month. How cruel.

Broken legs and a twisted neck as I hit the ground;

Continuously admiring you in flight, withholding all sound.

I told him it was okay, and I continuously told myself it was okay, even though I was having so much difficulty holding in the tears. There he was, free and probably happy while God I thought I was gonna die.

All I'd done for him and all the faith I had in him and all the chances I gave him; I gave him all I had and even that wasn't enough for him.

Puddle of blood the only reminder I was once alive;

A raging fire, once in control over this knife.

Watching your wings being your strength to be gone;

Your happiness and freedom being the last I set eyes on.

The last time I talked to him was when he confided in me about the girl he likes. He was mindlessly going on about someone else the way I would have talked about him. God it hurt so bad but I just listened. Not for long though because I cracked a while after.

He said "I promise I will never hurt any girl anymore like how I hurt you," and was insulted when I pointed out the fact that he never keeps his promises.

God I had to hurt so many good guys because I stupidly chose this asshole.

It was the last time I talked to him, and it was when I learnt to close the windows so the wind can never come in again. The wind just wants a room to hide in, to protect himself from himself, that he doesn't care whose house it is as long as he's away from the outside world.

Don't go knocking on people's windows if all you want to do is make a mess of everything and leave again. Think twice before you decide to come back or do anything at all.

P.s. I'm not doing a check on this post like I do with the others, so if you think it's crappy and messy I don't fucking care.

Wind of voices

The first thing I see are my black jeans. My black shirt. My black sneakers. I hold up my hands. They are dirty. I don't need a mirror to guess that my face is probably just as soiled.

Something about ferns... They are everywhere. I see a few HDB blocks but even those are not as many as the fern trees. They are growing everywhere, I could die strangled by their leaves.

I see a family pass me by, looking at one another like they were the most wonderful things each has ever seen. They look happy to be together; they don't even realise I'm standing there and practically walk right through me.

One of the daughters picks up a fern leaf, spins around while letting it go. I watch the fern float higher and higher until it is gone into the clouds.

When I look back down from the sky, I see a boy staring at me. He grins and runs off, and I find myself chasing after him. I've never seen him before, yet he has the aura of something familiar, as if I've been intimate with him in my past life.

I lose him for a moment, fern trees breathing down my neck and pulling my ankles wherever I go. I stand on a lift lobby, very sure I've lost him, when there he is in the distance.

He holds another girl in his arms, she with her long wavy dark hair. They stand in a space that is surrounded by the playground, embracing each other. Occasionally he looks over her shoulder and gives a secret smile at me.

My stomach wants to lurch and my throat wants to throw itself out my mouth. People are gathered around them, filling up the playground and watching and cooing at them, I believe admiring how cute they are together.

I see his eyes on me still, how longingly they look at me. I almost see him reaching his hand out to me, but I turn away when I notice how she looks completely in love with him.

I can't ruin that, can't ruin the show that everyone is enjoying.

I hide at the back of the playground, making sure I don't see them anymore. I sit in the shadows of the audience, sobbing until a soldier comes over to me. A soldier, with a patch over his left eye and a wooden leg. He looks like a pirate in these parts, yet I identify him as a soldier because the rest of him looks that way.

He has a huge gun slung over his chest, while he holds a chain whip. He tells me not to cry, comparing my heartbreak to his past. He tells me he's lost an eye and a leg in the war, and yet he never cries.

"That's your story, this is my story, and I want to cry as and when I feel sad. I don't care about your past!" I argue. He continues demanding I stop crying, that I just suck it up unless I lose a leg and an eye myself, then I can cry. The bastard!

I glare at him, and that is when he whips me with his chain. I don't see it coming, and even if I did, he moves fast. It tears through my jeans and even my skin; I catch a glimpse of my bone through the hole his chain has made. My bone looks burnt, as if the chain is made of fire.

He tells me to stop crying, while he holds his chain up, ready for another beating. I turn to run instead, into the lift I was standing by earlier. A silhouette that resembles the Grim Reaper is the last thing I see before the doors close on me.

As the lift takes me up to the highest floor, I drop to my knees and bury my face in my hands. The whispering in my ears grow more and more intense the higher I go.

The door finally opens after what seems like forever; in front of me is nothing but a straight lane. Neither doors nor windows decorate its dirty walls. I don't see where it ends.

I begin walking to the end, and that is when the whispers become shouts. I can't make out what they're saying, but the voices act like wind blowing against me. The louder they get, the harder it gets for me to walk forward. My injured leg doesn't help.

My desire to jump to my death is what keeps me alive, to the extent that my walks become crawls. I try to get up, but I hear the crack of a bone. I look down and watch in horror as the bottom of my leg breaks away from my thigh. I fall on the remaining of my leg, and watch the rest fly back to where I came from.

I make out a little of what some of the voices are saying: I hear "red and blue", "Fernvale", "die with a Ghost". I hear the name of the boy, and the girl he was hugging. It's almost too much for me to bear.

I think I almost reach the end, and the voices become sharp as knives, cutting into every part of my face. The Grim Reaper stands before me; he lifts his cloak to reveal the soldier from before.

I can't run anymore. I let his chain cut through my every bone, as he whips at me again and again. It is made of fire, it burns me yet it doesn't hurt me. In fact, I seem to enjoy the heat. It's solace compared to the cold of the voices and the wind.

He cuts me into pieces, each part of my body flying off to where the lift door stands. He cuts off my ears and finally I hear nothing but silence, as my head lifts from the ground and floats back to wherever the wind of the voices takes me.

I am finally in oblivion.

It is my last thought before I wake up from the nightmare.

Close the windows

The window at my feet.

The window at my feet. 

Cold cement below the surface of my thin mattress.

A warm bed with pillows all around.

A few books at my feet, arranged neatly in boxes.

Dozens of books at the front of the room, arranged neatly on all five shelves. 

A text from the wind.

A text from a ghost. 

The sound of jingling bells.

The sound of someone gaming. 

I pick up my cat and cradle her in my arms.

I pull my brother's hair and make some joke about him. 

I stay in bed, stare at the ceiling and think about the bad dreams I had.

I get up, stare out the window and think about what I should do that evening.

The house is cramped, filled from the floor to the ceiling with unnecessary things.

The house is spacious, an executive flat, kept spick and span. 

I don't have to worry about breakfast because my grandmother always makes me something without fail.

Mom's at work, I have to get my own breakfast as well as my brother's.

I am pressured to do my best, especially in my studies.

I am left to tend to my own life. I'm not sure if my parents know how much difficulty I'm having in my studies. 

I am not alone but I am angry.

I am strong but I am lonely.

I have what I need but not what I want.

I have what I want but not what I need. 

Too much mess that I try to deal with.

Too much mess that I have to simply sweep under the carpets. 

The wind blows through my hair, comforting me when it gets too hot.

The wind forces its way in and messes everything up, forcing me to fly with it. 

The wind is a gentle breeze that I need.

The wind is a tornado ripping through my life, destroying everything.

I close the windows so the wind doesn't leave.

I close the windows so the wind doesn't come in ever again.

I am happy being here with my new family. I never want to return to Pasir Ris.

I miss my old family. I want to return to Paya Lebar.

I am home. This will be my home forever.

I am home. But I want to go back to my real home.

Home is where you choose to be,

not where you came from. 

Where you were saved,

not where you were born.

Why I can't and won't repent

So a while ago I told myself I would start to acknowledge my own religion.

After about a month or so thinking about it and going through more bullshits of life, I've come to the decision that I shouldn't, and I won't. I did try, but I realised it isn't my fate to love Him.

It'd have been easier if I started from young, but I didn't. I read about my religion a lot last year, but it didn't interest me like it should. I find myself more interested in things that clash with my religion instead.

To me, religion tears people apart, from themselves and from each other. I see many people from mine making it out like they're higher and mightier than others just because they believe. They go on hindering others for one sin, when they're committing a different sin themselves.

It's not just sin it's behaviour too, and most people who keep boasting about their beliefs are no better than those who openly don't follow the rules. Feels like religion is making people look down on those different from them. Brings more war than peace.

I feel like atheists (or people who aren't that iffy about religion) are nicer people in general. I've read stories about these people, and met quite a few, and they don't look down on those who heavily believe in religion, although you see them being judged a lot themselves.

Part of me never believed in my own God. Sure, I believed in His existence but I never once believed he had the power that everyone says He has.

I'm not convinced when people say He has something better planned for you; if you died before you got that something, then everyone just dismisses it as 'God loves him more'.

I heard that suicide is a sin in my religion, and I also heard that God planned our death before we were even born. So if someone died of suicide, isn't it what He wanted? Is the person still gonna be punished for that sin? Because if he is, that's pretty unfair.

There's also the Jodoh thing. It's pretty cruel how He makes two people fall in love and give their everything to each other, only to rip them up apart just because He doesn't want them together for life. People can say "He knows what's best for us" but I don't think anyone would be happy if that happens to them.

If God really loves us, why doesn't He just accept the way we are? Even if we sin a lot, even if we're tattooed, even if we're gay? No? I question too many things about Him that we should just accept. Idk.

I've had many questions about these, and many other things about this matter but nobody ever had an answer for me, even when they're religiously inclined. So many gaps in this religion that I wouldn't have noticed if I wasn't so curious.

Just my own opinion, that's why I don't find myself suited to be a Muslim.

It was always what the wind wanted for me, that's why I tried so hard. It was always for him. Thinking about it, he probably further deterred me from wanting to repent and shit, comparing the way he looks differently at those who aren't as religious as him. Ugh nevermind let's not.

Now I've thought about it hard, and if I chose what I want, I choose not wanting to hug my own religion after all. I'm just not interested, I don't find most of the religion's aspects logical, and I simply like to consume/do many things that are forbidden.

A day at the hospital

I woke up and we were already rushing to the hospital. I thought it was a dream, because I remember getting into a car accident. But I wasn't the problem; it was my mom.

When I saw her the first thing she said, with just a tinge of misery, was "I had a great fall." I couldn't help but think of Humpty Dumpty when she said that. Dad has always been making fun of Mom that way. I almost took it as a joke.

Apparently Mom had fallen at work, on the luggage conveyor belt at her workplace. I overheard her talking on the phone with her colleague about the way she fell, and I stifled a giggle when I imagined it.

So while Mom was being treated and all, I just went and have a normal day at the hospital.

At first I just sat reading the book I'd brought, Fangirl. It's about a girl who goes into college and realises that she can't be stuck in her past 18 years. The things that happen to her slowly forces her to grow up and leave all her familiarity behind.

The main character is annoying sometimes but I found myself being able to relate to all her bullshit.

I went on reading until my little brother showed up and told me he was hungry. I didn't realise I was too, so we went off to get stuff to eat.

We came across a vending machine that dispensed 'fresh hot sandwiches', but we didn't have enough coins for it. So we walked on to the 7-11 where I got myself a big fat nice hot chicken pau and icy cold milk tea. We used the change for the sandwich vending machine.

After slotting in our coins, the machine flashed WAIT 190 SECONDS, the 190 decreasing to 0 by the second as a countdown. When it got to 0, bam, a wrapped sandwich appeared in the little window. We sat outside the A&E, eating all our hot food and talking about bullshit like we always do.

I brought sushi after that, and then we came across a pond with dozens of huge fish. They were the same kind of fish as the ones at Downtown East, yet we still found ourselves being excited about them.

You could donate 2 bucks in exchange for fish food, so we did that and spent the next 15 minutes or so throwing these bits into the pond. They smelled like the cuttlefish snack that comes in string, so we thought those damn fish were cannibals.

You should have seen how excited the fish were when we threw the food in! They were almost fighting to get one. The big dark fish were on one side while the bright sparkly white koi were on the other. We thought they were racist too.

Who knew that fish could be so weird too?

There was one that didn't move from the bubbles coming from the purifier thing or whatever it was. It just stayed there among the bubbles, like it was its personal Jacuzzi. It didn't leave its spot, not even for the food.

There was one that kept swimming on its side, and we noticed that it hadn't gotten any food. We tried to get it to eat, but it was never fast enough to snag a bite.

There were also the suckerfish that mostly stuck to the floor and walls of the pond, and when we saw one coming up to the surface, we rushed to feed it. It came up, slowly, and then SPLASH it jumped to bite the food fiercely, shocking the shit out of my brother and I!

The koi were rabbling on about something, their mouths opening and closing non-stop. We looked at one and mimicked its mouth movements, saying rabble? rabble rabble? over and over. I imagined looking at us through the koi's perspective. Who knew if they were saying something intelligent and calling us humans dumb morons for our constant rabbling???

All in all, the hospital is a really cool place. I got sad looking at the patients and all, but I tried my damndest trying not to imagine their life stories. It's a habit I need to stop because it always makes me emotional on the inside.

A flame and a ghost

I went on a date today ^_^ It's been eons since I last went on one. Get ready for yet another post about nothing more than the day I had.

We both turn up in navy blue shirts, blaming the other for being a copycat. We give each other a hello hug, and he kiss the top of my head like he always does. We aren't together but we sure act like we are. "Just make it official already!", as my friend said.

I tell him he can bring me anywhere today, that I don't care where we go as long as I'm with him. I don't mean to sound cheesy but that's the honest truth!

Before we set off anywhere, I tell him I need to get my chewy cookies. Chewy cookies are a luxury to me, especially those M&M ones from Cookies For Sid. The first and last time I got them was back in last year with my cousin, because I always missed the shop somehow whenever I passed it by. This time, no way!

He brings me to Esplanade, and I tell him some of the stories of my memories there. The sun is still high in the sky so not many people were outside, but I like having the sun in my face. so I drag him to sit by the river.

We sit there for quite a while, me just soaking in the warmth of the sun and his presence, and taking panorama pictures of the city skyline.

After a line of conversation we make our way to Gardens by the Bay, cutting through Marina Square as a shortcut. Idiot can't remember where the shortcut exit is, so we end up walking in circles around the mall.

I tell him more stories, memories of my prom shopping with the girls, episodes of South Park which I'm reminded of.

It's a sign that I'm getting more comfortable with him, to be telling him things which he wouldn't give a shit about, and that he's comfortable with me too, to not be hiding the fact that he really doesn't give a shit xD

About 45 minutes later we finally find the exit by the cinema, where I give him a thousand applauds for being such a genius.

We get to the bridge with the weird twists and turns at the top, overlooking the city skyline and the river. I tell him what is it about water that's so scary to me; how water looks calm on the surface but runs deeper than that, with the ability to pull you in, close in on you, taking up your personal space and even robbing you of your breath. He agrees that the ocean and its secrets are not a pleasant place.

Our hands interlocked with each other's, we head to the rooftop of the Marina Bay Sands mall, where I take more pictures of the scenery. The roads are so beautiful from up high, the way they snake around above the water.

We walk side by side on the differently-leveled boards, holding each other's hand as a way of balance. I tell him I am his shadow, a side character from a video game, following him wherever he goes. "You jump, I jump!"

After taking a dozen pictures on the rooftop, we head on down towards Gardens by the Bay, cutting through Marina Bay Sands on a bridge.

My breath is taken away at the moment we exit the hotel. There's a bit of everything; roads on either side of me, trees and flowers ahead of me, a reservoir in the distance, birds and dragonflies flying past me, the wind blowing through my hair.

It's my first time walking through Gardens by the Bay. I've always wanted to come here, and ever since I discovered I'm a Fire Type, I've been more scared, as silly as it sounds. But I need not be afraid, for the place is more powerful than I am. More stunning. I'm small compared to it.

We walk through the park, just holding hands and talking about the randomest things. The both of us share a common hatred for people, but despite the crowds, we don't care about anyone else but each other.

We make it to Marina Barrage, where we stand overlooking the bridge that separates the reservoir and sea. He brings me into a gallery that tells and shows everything about the place. How it was formed, how it works, and other historical and geographical facts.

I can't deny that it interests me, to know how water is managed here. In a way, it's knowing my fear and enemy. In fact, we've been hanging around water a lot today; almost like I'm getting along with it :3

I tell him more memories of my secondary school girlfriends as we walk through the rooftop of Marina Barrage; how I miss them so. We sit down on the grass, looking at Marina Bay Sands in the distance, talking about girls and guys.

He tells me this is the first real date he's ever been on. A date where he just walks around in her presence, just talking and knowing her better. I tell him it's the first time I've been on a date in the city, about how my previous lover never wanted to bring me further than his own convenience.

Our eyes find each other in the dark of the night, and he smiles at me.

He tells me the sun may be gone now, but I can still be his flame and his light.

I like the way he caresses my face with the back of his hand. I go very still, careful not to shock him into moving his hand away from me.

We get up when we realise it's getting late; he takes my hand and I attempt to twirl myself around under his arm. My bag accidentally hits him instead, and I end up laughing while he clutches his stomach in pain xD

"I think we look so cute together." he sheepishly says at one point. I think we are too ^_^

After an entire day together, we grow more familiar with each other. On our way to the MRT station, we try our damndest to trip each other but to no avail. Up to the point where he suspiciously looks at me and I walk as far as I can away from him even with our hands locked together. We look so silly but at that point neither of us really cares about people anymore.

Because he resides in the West and I'm from the East side myself, we part right at City Hall. We give a goodbye hug, his lips landing on the top of my head. He strokes my face one more time, eyes locked in mine, before saying a final farewell.

"See you on Wednesday," being our promise of meeting again.

Oblivion

I'm just gonna get straight to the point.

I've been feeling suicidal lately. I've been wanting to just die. This feeling has never felt so great before. It's been here for a week and it isn't going away.

While most of the time in the past I wanted to die only because I wanted people to start appreciating me, right now all I want is to leave everything behind. I really don't care who mourns and who doesn't.

I just want to abandon the world, my emotions, and whatever little responsibilities that I have.

I want to let the world rot without me watching.
I want to leave my sadness and anger and even happiness behind.
I want to stop feeling pressured by the future whenever I do something.

Right now I feel like whatever I do either (1) does nothing and has no point, or (2) will make a drastic effect on my future.

Whatever I put all my heart and soul into gets me nowhere, and whatever I carelessly do will affect my entire life. It's so tiring. I just want to stop whatever.

I want to stop thinking of my lack of money,
I want to stop thinking of my non-existent ties with religion,
I want to stop thinking of how I've been neglecting my studies,
I want to stop thinking of how I keep draining my parents' money and energy.

I should and I can do something about the above, but right now I just don't want to. I just want to leave those sources of pressure behind. Like I just want to cut of all ties with them, and even though "the only way out is through", right now I only see one route: death.

At the moment I'm not that sad or angry at anything, I'm just tired at all these thoughts. Tired of the effects of whatever I'm doing and not doing.

Seems silly to be exhausted about all these little shit when I'm not even 20 yet, but yeah. I guess I'm giving up.

Like how Kenny from The Walking Dead said he felt peaceful when he was about to die; that's exactly how I want to feel. Peaceful, to be taken away from all this mess, instead of being awake every morning and having to fight this shit everyday.

I'm not gonna attempt anything, don't worry. I just wish I could be taken away to oblivion, just floating around in space and time, taken away by neither floods nor wind. Nothing to care about.